
Find Out What Eric Trump, Michio Kaku, And Jordan Spieth Have To Say
IKEA MonkeyJesus christ Onion
IKEA MonkeyHorrible.
IKEA MonkeyWhile its nice that Schumer is "moved to tears" over this, it only adds fuel to the alt-right's fire in calling us liberal crybabies. We cannot cry over this. Not in public anyway. We must show that we are steadfast, strong, and clear-headed in our fight against this dictatorship.
IKEA MonkeyA likely story
A Franklin Park woman who had consumed three "potent" drinks at a bar told police she would have sobered up if she had continued to drive her car and had not been pulled over for driving erratically, Riverside authorities said.
Instead, Katherine Muhlenbruc, 25, was charged early Friday with two...
IKEA MonkeyHe's literally a manbaby

While the world suffers the immediate consequences of one man’s horrible mistakes, that man was reportedly sitting in the White House watching Finding Dory, an animated children’s film about fish starring the voice of Ellen DeGeneres.
IKEA MonkeyI'm 100% Lyft now
Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is facing criticism online for his relationship with President Donald Trump after the administration imposed a temporary ban on travel to the United States from seven majority Muslim countries.
Kalanick said in a Facebook post that the 90-day ban could hurt "thousands"...
IKEA MonkeyI love him
Last night, Moonlight/House of Cards/Luke Cage/Hidden Figures actor Mahershala Ali accepted a SAG Award for his role in the first of the films on that long list, in which he played a surrogate father figure — a drug dealer who attempts to instill hope in a kid he immediately identifies as an outcast within his community — for the film’s body-transcending main character, Chiron. (Chiron, himself, is played with miraculous continuity by three actors — Alex R. Hibbert, Ashton Sanders, and Trevante Rhodes — across his childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.)
But Ali’s acceptance speech was about more than Moonlight — which was, itself, already about a lot. In a similar way to Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Taraji P. Henson, and Stranger Things’ David Harbor, Ali responded to America’s politically dire and inhumane times with a speech that did not, as usual, perfunctorily thank a list of people. Ali drew on the themes of Moonlight to stress the current gaping void in empathy that exists both in American politics and everyday American life. This, of course, is in reference to the repulsive Trump/Bannon executive order issued on Friday, which effectively calls for the religious persecution of Muslims through detainment and rejection of anyone from seven nations in which Trump doesn’t have business ties, as well as for the closure of our borders to refugees.
Mahershala Ali of @moonlightmov #sagawards pic.twitter.com/q9txL6fW8R
— SAG Awards® (@SAGawards) January 30, 2017
“I think what I’ve learned from working on Moonlight is we see what happens when we persecute people. They fold into themselves,” he began. “And what I was so grateful about in having the opportunity to play Juan, a gentleman who saw a young man folding into himself as a result of the persecution of his community, and taking that opportunity to uplift him — to tell him that he mattered, that he was okay — and to accept him. And I hope we do a better job of that.”
Ali spoke of his own experience converting to Islam, and of his ordained minister mother’s acceptance of his decision. “She didn’t do backflips when I called her to tell her…17 years ago. But I tell you now, we put things to the side, and I’m able to see her, she’s able to see me, we love each other, the love has grown, and that stuff is minutiae, it’s not that important.”
Unlike the Oscars, SAG speeches aren’t rushed by the invasion of an orchestra meant to stifle anyone who runs overtime. So Ali actually also had an opportunity to say the usual thanks — to director/writer Barry Jenkins, playwright Tarell Alvin McCraney, and the trio of Chirons.
Sometimes the intersection of politics and entertainment can be naive, and sometimes it can plaster over the nuances of both. But last night, turning a self-congratulatory ceremony that is by its nature discordant with political/humanitarian turmoil into a platform for discussion — particularly when it’s smart, inclusive discussion — felt like a powerful gesture from the people who chose to do so. Now, if only some Trump supporters would watch this speech, and then, better yet, read the stories of people who’ve already been impacted by Trump’s ban. And if only that’d make any difference for them. One has to hope something will.
IKEA MonkeyReal actual saint John Cena
John Cena made history on Sunday night at the Royal Rumble, when he defeated AJ Styles to capture his 16th world title, tying Ric Flair for the most recognized world title reigns all-time. But he made sure to not make the celebration all about him.
Immediately after winning the title, Cena hopped the guardrail and went into the ringside crowd, placing the world title on the shoulder of a Make-A-Wish child. Cena, of course, has granted more wishes for the Make-A-Wish company than any other celebrity, by several factors of 10. (I don’t know how math works.)
It was an amazing moment, and one that likely Cena and that special fan will remember forever. It’s yet another example that no matter how you feel about John Cena the wrestler, John Cena the human being is a pretty wonderful dude. Now Cena is in the catbird seat heading into WrestleMania … where he’ll probably treat like 600 kids to a special pizza party and then be upset that he isn’t doing more.
IKEA MonkeyWell that's terrifying!
IKEA MonkeyI thought Mexico was gonna pay
IKEA MonkeyErin

WASHINGTON—Disability rights groups celebrated Thursday after the federal court for the District of Columbia handed down a ruling requiring all private businesses nationwide to install handicapped-accessible wheelchair jumps. “This is a major victory for any disabled American who’s ever been prevented from performing a killer wallride or 360 bunny hop by the lack of proper handicap accommodations at a place of business,” said Alexis Pereira, a spokesperson for the American Association of People with Disabilities, adding that thanks to the ruling, wheelchair-bound individuals would finally be able to take full advantage of the nollies, table tops, and half cabs guaranteed by the Americans with Disabilities Act. “Until now, disabled Americans have had limited options for where to go to bust out badass G-turns and inverts. We’re hopeful that with this ruling, those with disabilities will never again be denied their constitutional right to shred.” Pereira added, however, that there was still a long way to go to ensure there were adequate wheelchair-accessible grind rails outside all government buildings.
IKEA MonkeyIs he or is he not then throwing Trump under the bus?
Former New York mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani said President Donald Trump wanted a "Muslim ban" and requested he assemble a commission to show him "the right way to do it legally."
Giuliani, an early Trump supporter who once had been rumored for a cabinet position in the new administration, appeared...
IKEA MonkeyREALLLY REAL

SCHENECTADY, NY—Repeatedly seeking to ease his friends’ growing skepticism and disinterest, local man Joel Mayhew peppered his explanation of the rules of the board game Pandemic with reassurances that it will be fun, sources confirmed Friday. “I know you’ll really like it once we actually get going,” said Mayhew, flipping through the game’s instructions to clarify the rules while pausing frequently to promise that the game was much less complicated than it seemed. “Okay, so, basically, once you’ve completed the movement part of your turn, one option is to give or take a city card from another player. You’ll get the hang of it, I swear. Although—and don’t worry if you forget this part, because I can just remind you—you can only share a city card with a player who’s already in the same city as you. Seriously, you’re going to be addicted after we’ve played through the whole thing a few times.” At press time, two of Mayhew’s friends had abandoned the game, and he was hastily reassuring those who remained at the table that it was actually more fun with fewer players.
IKEA MonkeyOnion has been really real lately

PHILADELPHIA—Repeatedly chastising himself for making such a foolish decision, area man Anthony Vasquez reportedly spent all day Friday dreading the fun activity he had signed up for. “Goddamn it, I’ve only got two hours left before I have to go out and do this stupid thing,” Vasquez said of the enjoyable leisure activity that he had voluntarily paid $70 for, told multiple friends about, and has been looking forward to for the past three weeks. “What the hell was I thinking? I have to take the train all the way downtown, stand in line, and then probably talk to people afterwards. Maybe it’ll get canceled at the last minute or something.” At press time, a reluctant Vasquez had grudgingly left his apartment, taking small comfort in knowing the fun activity would at least soon be over.
IKEA MonkeyJust some HELPFUL INFORMATION
With the Doomsday Clock as close to midnight as ever before and comparative nuclear arsenals being discussed more on the news than in an episode of The Americans, there’s no better time to get educated on the effects of nuclear war. Thankfully, this adorable little cartoon from the people at AsapSCIENCE is here to illustrate exactly how and why we’re all going to die.

The video goes step-by-step through the aftermath of dropping a one-megaton bomb (about 80 times the size of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima), noting that all of these effects can be altered by weather, location, and whether the bomb explodes mid-air or on the ground. Thanks to these cutesy infographics, we now know how close we would need to be to blast site in order to vaporize and about the lasting, deadly effects of fallout radiation. So fun!
It should also be noted that ...
IKEA MonkeyHUH
Jared Kushner, President Donald Trump's son-in-law and one of his closest White House advisers, is registered to vote in both New Jersey and New York, while White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is on the rolls both in Virginia and his home state of Rhode Island, according to elections officials...
IKEA MonkeyI need this forever
Seth and Retta Go Day Drinking
I would watch this as a series forever and ever.
IKEA MonkeyHe's bonkers
IKEA MonkeyI really love the purple one

In his first solo collection for Valentino, designer Pierpaolo Piccioli debuted a soothing array of diaphanous gowns, a deeply pleasant continuation of the house’s strong past couture showings. If there is anything I love more than a soft pleat, it is pastels in a soft pleat, and in this collection there is plenty to…
IKEA MonkeyAttacks a Nazi who said Hitler did nothing wrong
IKEA MonkeySo.... the US taxpayers will pay for it, not Mexico
IKEA Monkey"Who are you gonna believe, me or your own two eyes?"
IKEA MonkeyAmazing picture
All White Houses leak. Sometimes the leaks are big, sometimes small. But there are always people willing to talk to reporters about the "real" story or about why the chief executive made a mistake in regards some decision he made.
That said, I've never seen so much leaking so quickly — and with...
IKEA MonkeyOoh. I wish I had money.
IKEA MonkeyInteresting. When you click through, the article refers to Chelsea with female pronouns, but in the blurb on the feed I read, it referred to her as "him". Somebody changed it after it was published.
IKEA MonkeyNuts

For generations, U.S. presidents have gone to great lengths to avoid potential conflicts of interest. When I was elected, I followed suit by placing my small business in a blind trust to assure our citizens that I would always put the country’s interests ahead of my own. It’s a vital presidential tradition. That’s why I find it a bit curious that our new commander-in-chief has been allowed to ignore it.
For Christ’s sake, you people made me get rid of my peanut farm before you let me be president.
I grew up on that farm. When my father died, I moved back home and worked those fields with my own two hands to keep it afloat. It was a hard job, but it was so rewarding. It wasn’t just a business—it was the place I called home. Letting go of the family farm was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I did it because the American people asked me to. I did it for their sake, without enthusiasm, but also without hesitation.
Boy, times sure have changed, haven’t they? I couldn’t help but notice that the current occupant of the White House owns more than 500 companies, has business interests across the Middle East and Asia, and owes hundreds of millions of dollars to banks he is now responsible for regulating. It seems a touch unfair that a bigger fuss was made about my little peanut operation than all his office towers, hotels, and golf courses combined. All I had was a farm, you know? A small, precious farm.
Seriously, it was just a few fields and a warehouse, and you idiots still appointed a special prosecutor and spent six months investigating it.
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about what life would be like if I still had my peanut farm. I miss it so much. I miss feeling the sun on my face. I miss the earth in my hands. Sometimes, I’d go out to the fields before dawn. I’d watch the sun come up, watch it cast golden light on my plants, row by row. It was so calm; so quiet. Those were some of the best days of my life. It sure would’ve been nice to live out the rest of my years there, but I had to do what was right. I suppose only some of us have to.
God, I loved that peanut farm!
And where were my conflicts of interest, exactly? Seriously, do enlighten me, America, because I honestly have no idea. Did you worry I might be cutting deals in back rooms with the peanut butter lobby? Or that I might be too busy at harvest time to focus on the economy or the Middle East? Apparently, you did, and almost obsessively. Meanwhile, your new president holds a lease from the federal government to operate a $200 million hotel six blocks from the White House. I mean, come on!
Maybe I’m just a sucker. Apparently, all I needed to do was hand off control of the farm to my family. If I’d staged an elaborate song and dance about distancing myself—whatever that means—from all the day-to-day planting, picking, and salting, maybe I could have kept my peanut farm with the full blessing of you, the American people.
Besides, that peanut farm would probably be worth $200 million today, easy.
IKEA MonkeyIt was good.... it wasn't, like, GREAT or anything. Hollywood just loves congratulating itself.
IKEA MonkeyThe #MensMarch tweets that Patton Oswalt inspired were hilarious. Corey got retweeted by Patton for a particularly funny joke about farting in an Ann Taylor.
Piers Morgan, famous mansplainer, transphobe and occasional outspoken moron, has been having trouble with his feelings of emasculation due to the fantastically successful Women’s March this weekend. He took to both Twitter and a completely incoherent Daily Mail column to whine about “rabid feminists” and demand a Men’s March (here’s a concise, accurate summary of the aforementioned column: “March good but Madonna yelling bad which means feminism bad, but feminism good, me better feminist than women but no, march bad, mean angry women, wahhh, wahh, wahh.”).
On Twitter, Morgan was even more nasty. Note the new avatar Morgan is sporting on his Twitter account: himself being embraced by The Donald.

As a result of Morgan’s hissy fit, he was subjected to a barrage of mockery by comedian Patton Oswalt with a #MensMarch hashtag that caught on rapidly.
Hey @piersmorgan, I'm at the #MensMarch. Am I at the right Arby's? No one's here. I'm in a "Bro-varies Not Ovaries" half-tee.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 21, 2017
Even worse, however, for a brown-noser like Morgan, this morning he was snubbed by extremely attractive and talented megastar Ewan McGregor, who wasn’t amused by the host’s recent spate of sexism and decided not to drop by and chat.
Was going on Good Morning Britain, didn't realise @piersmorgan was host. Won't go on with him after his comments about #WomensMarch
— Ewan McGregor (@mcgregor_ewan) January 24, 2017
It turns out McGregor’s daughters were part of the protests on Saturday, so naturally the actor was offended.
I'm with you in spirit today women of the world. My daughters are marching. I'm so proud to see this extraordinary power.
— Ewan McGregor (@mcgregor_ewan) January 21, 2017
Morgan fired back with a column calling McGregor the “Kim Jong-Un” of Hollywood because an actor storming out of a studio is absolutely equivalent to a dictator who sends people to concentration camps. Morgan’s one fair point — that McGregor and other celebs should speak out against Roman Polanski if they’re so concerned about assault — unfolded in a typically trollish way: he used Polanski’s guilt to absolve Trump rather than to condemn Polanski.
Look, the fact that this blowhard has the kind of massive public forum he does is one of the great injustices of a deeply unjust world. He’s a thin-skinned, shallow-minded, self-obsessed bigot with a victim complex. But then again, we just elected one of those types to be the leader of the free world. So maybe we get the pundits we deserve.
IKEA Monkeylol ok
Ald. Joe Moreno is slated to speak at an upcoming prix-fixe dinner about the ever-divisive subject of gentrification in Logan Square. [ more › ]