PLANET EARTH 2 IS UNBELIEVABLE I HAVE WATCHED IT ALL PLEASE SEE IT
In the first of a three-part video series, Vox’s Joss Fong looks at how the technology used to film nature documentaries has changed over the past 50 years and how the producers of Planet Earth II used contemporary image stabilization techniques to make the series with a more cinematic style.
In the 1970s and ’80s, it was enough for the NHU to show people a creature they’d never seen before and provide the details in the narration. The films were illustrated zoology lectures. Since then, the producers have become sticklers for capturing specific behaviors, and in Planet Earth II, they showcase the drama of those behaviors. Each scene sets up the characters to perform something - something brave, something brutal, something bizarre. They’ve made room for our emotions; that’s what cinematic storytelling means.
And visually, the cinematic approach means the camera is often moving.
Hollywood filmmakers have kept the camera in motion for decades, but for obvious reasons, it’s much more difficult when your subject is wildlife. As we explain in the video at the top of this post, NHU producers used new stabilization tools throughout the production of Planet Earth II to move the camera alongside the animals.
The program doesn’t make you wait long to showcase this new approach. The tracking shot of a lemur jumping from tree to tree is one of the first things you see in the first episode and it put my jaw right on the floor. It’s so close and fluid, how did they do that? Going into the series, I thought it was going to be more of the same — Planet Earth but with new stories, different animals, etc. — but this is really some next-level shit. The kids were more excited after watching it than any movie they’ve seen in the past 6 months (aside from possibly Rogue One). The Blu-ray will be out at the end of March1 but there’s also a 4K “ultra HD” version that had me researching new ultra HD TVs I don’t really need.
Update: The second video in the series is an ode to the BBC’s pioneering use of slow motion and time lapse photography in their nature programs.
Fong also explains one of my favorite things to come out of the first Planet Earth show, the slow motion buffer capture system used by the crew to catch great white sharks leaping out of the water.
But also, digital high-speed cameras came with a continuous recording feature. Instead of pressing a button to start recording and then pressing it again to stop, they could press the button as soon as they saw some action, and the camera would save the seconds that happened before the button was pressed. That’s how the cameraman captured this great white shark coming out of the water, not just in the air, for this sequence in the 2006 Planet Earth series.
I hope the third program is on sound, which has been bugging me while watching Planet Earth II. I could be wrong, but they seem to be using extensive foley effects for the sounds the animals make — not their cries necessarily, but the sounds they make as they move. Once you notice, it feels deceptive.
I still have a Blu-ray player than I barely use and only buy 1-2 BR discs a year, but Planet Earth II is one of those increasingly rare programs you want to see in full HD without compression or streaming artifacts.↩
For their short film Ten Meter Tower, Maximilien Van Aertryck and Axel Danielson coaxed dozens of people to jump off of a 10-meter diving platform for the first time.
Our objective in making this film was something of a psychology experiment: We sought to capture people facing a difficult situation, to make a portrait of humans in doubt. We’ve all seen actors playing doubt in fiction films, but we have few true images of the feeling in documentaries. To make them, we decided to put people in a situation powerful enough not to need any classic narrative framework. A high dive seemed like the perfect scenario.
After the first 10 seconds, I was riveted to the screen for the remaining 16 minutes. It’s not at all obvious who will jump easily and who won’t.
My head says, “Go!” But my heart says, “No!”
People often worry about competition from others, but in the sporting world, the workplace, the home, and school, the struggle against the self — closing the gap between what you want your life to be like and reality, what your head wants and what your heart can provide — is always the most significant and difficult. (via @thisiseamonn)
These are gorgeous and tragic but did anyone else not know it was pronounced doo-BOYCE and not the french doo-BWAH??? News to me and all of my teachers!
W.E.B. Du Bois was an American author, sociologist, historian, and activist. Apparently Du Bois was also a designer and design director of some talent as these hand-drawn infographics show.
In addition to an extensive collection of photographs, four volumes containing 400 official patents by African Americans, more than 200 books penned by African-American authors, various maps, and a statuette of Frederick Douglass, the exhibition featured a total of fifty-eight stunning hand-drawn charts (a selection of which we present below). Created by Du Bois and his students at Atlanta, the charts, many of which focus on economic life in Georgia, managed to condense an enormous amount of data into a set of aesthetically daring and easily digestible visualisations. As Alison Meier notes in Hyperallergic, “they’re strikingly vibrant and modern, almost anticipating the crossing lines of Piet Mondrian or the intersecting shapes of Wassily Kandinsky”.
Wealth. If I had stayed close to the original chart, the updated version would have shown that in 2015, African American households in Georgia had a median income of about $36,655, which would fail to capture the story of inflation (net asset numbers aren’t published as cumulative for one race). Instead, I wanted to see how wealth varies by race in America today.
The story is bleak. I hesitated to use the word “worth”, but it’s the language used by the Census Bureau when they’re collecting this data and, since money determines so much of an individual’s life, the word seems relevant. For every dollar a black household in America has in net assets, a white household has 16.5 more.
The man, the myth, the LEGEND – this week, we humbly welcome friend of the show STEVE DYER to help us dissect TNT’s riveting classic Rizzoli & Isles. Ship off to Boston with us, won’t you?!?
not only am i doing 0 work my hairline has also receded 7 inches since inauguration
Try adding some fiber to your media diet.
Flickr
If you’ve noticed getting things done at work is harder now than it was before the inauguration, you’re right. A new survey commissioned by BetterWorks (a software company that helps people set and track goals) found that politics has slowed a lot of people down post-election.
Basically, the explanation is this: In 2017, you’re more likely than ever to have a job that requires you to be on a computer for at least some of your day. If you’re on your computer, there’s an 87% likelihood that you’ll use a portion of that time to check political posts on Facebook or Twitter. And if you’re using those platforms, you already know that everyone hanging out there is… fired up.
There seem to be two big results that accompany a rich diet of political links and screeds. First, they’ve noticed a rise in something called “workplace incivility,” and second, 29% of workers say they are less productive now than they were before the election. That number climbs to 35% “among those who read 10 or more political social media posts per work day.” In other words: more takes = less will to remember ccing Katie from marketing on that followup email.
Here’s something I’d like to point out, though: productivity isn’t necessarily good. And decreased productivity isn’t necessarily bad. Reacting to a barrage of depressing news with a depressed mood is… the exact correct order of operations, and the expectation that you should be able to generate uniform output at work despite the 70 billion variables that go into inhabiting a mortal form on a given day just isn’t realistic. To put it another way, if the news were this consistently awful and you were still describing your mood as perky and upbeat, you’d be unhinged. Locking your jaw and smiling through stress is a lot scarier sounding than, “Today I read that Betsy DeVos said [something], so I spent 10 minutes on Wikipedia trying to understand it.” One of those people is engaging their feelings, and the other might scream unexpectedly because SOMEone forgot to CHANGE the TOILET PAPER ROLL in BATHROOM again.
So we’re gonna be less focused at our jobs. That makes sense. But since the frequent-post-readers had a 35% admission of decreased productivity compared to the fewer-post-readers’ 29%, it might also make sense to try and figure out how much new information we’re able to take in without dying inside. Because, for the foreseeable future… this is the media landscape.
Something as simple as ingesting news without the middleman of Twitter seems like a place to start. Prioritizing a roundup like NYT’s morning briefing or NPR’s hourly news summary over Twitter in your ~media digestion routine~ might help get you to the big headlines without slapping yourself in the face with the same bad news over and over again. Cause it turns out hearing, “Something happened” once and authoritatively is less of a nightmare for our state of mind than a chorus of “Something happened,” “Something didn’t happen,” “25 somethings that happened before something happened,” “You won’t believe this iconic tweet thread about something that happened,” “Imo people who say something happened are bad,” etc. Hm.
None Of Us Can Focus was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Aaron McAvoy’s washing machine makes a banging noise while washing clothes so he played The Devil Went Down to Georgia in time with the banging. This is the most perfect little internet entertainment…I actually started crying I was laughing so hard. A much needed respite from the world. See also the washing machine edition of Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ and a tribute to George Michael. (via @aaroncoleman0)
You’d think by now the whole thing would be easier to endure You’d still be sad and angry, but less frenzied than before You’d make it through the day without becoming quite so tired You’d have a conversation where “calm down” was not required Each time your phone lit up it wouldn’t fill your heart with fear You wouldn’t frame your plans around the phrase “if we’re still here” You’d have a decent shot at simply sleeping through the night You’d feel something other than a permeating blight Instead you are reminded as each custom is defiled: The world is being held hostage by a giant fucking child
Three Weeks Later was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
It seems exceedingly anachronistic that other countries don't have gay marriage yet, right? Especially Australia? I honestly react to that information when people are like "slavery is still legal in 7 countries"
this analogy is maybe a bit strong but like u get it
by Dan Savage
The debate over same-sex marriage is roaringinAustralia, where same-sex marriage is still against the law, and—surprise!—all the failed arguments used against marriage equality in the United States, Canada, the UK, etc., are getting trotted out.
A Sikh community leader has told the Australian parliament that putting through a bill in support of same-sex marriage would “destroy the whole human race.” Bawa Singh Jagdev, who is the current Secretary of the National Sikh Council of Australia, also suggested that same-sex couples should instead call their relationships “homo unions." The comments came in a public submission to the current Senate inquiry into the government’s draft marriage equality bill. He said in the submission: “What the proponents of the bill are proposing and supporting is against the law of nature. God created humans on this planet to propagate the human race and not to destroy it. This bill will destroy the whole human race.”
There are currently 7.5 billion human beings on the planet. The biggest threats to the survival of the "whole human race" are overpopulation, fossil fuel consumption, habitat destruction, and human stupidity. We're propagating ourselves to death, thanks in part to religious traditions that fetishize reproduction, seek to control women's bodies, and stigmatize birth control, abortion, and homosexuality. But, okay, sure, keep pointing a finger at the "threat" homosexuality poses to the survival of humanity, religious folks, if you it makes you feel better less culpable for rising seas and the sixth mass extinction.
Buy you gotta love Jagdev's compromise: call them homo unions, not marriages. It's the only way to save the planet! Gee, who knew a silly semantic game was powerful enough to save the human race from extinction?
The Dowager Pontiff—the previous pope—made the exact same argument back when we were fighting for marriage equality in the United States. (Coming soon: The fight to preserve marriage equality in the United States.) I responded at length at a college appearance. I am forever grateful to the rightwing activist who recorded my remarks and put them up on YouTube in an effort to discredit me. Now please enjoy "Dan Savage Attacks the Pope! [WARNING: GRAPHIC LANGUAGE]"...
I would like to gift my remarks on the pope to any Australian activist fighting for marriage equality who wants to adapt them. Swap out "the pope" for "Bawa Singh Jagdev," go find a podium to stand in front of and a gullible anti-marriage-equality activist stupid enough to signal boost your response to this idiocy, and help defeat this idiotic argument.
I know I spent much of yesterday bellyaching on the topic of celebrities using social media, but it’s not like they’re going to suddenly stop. So while we’re all here we might as well enjoy ourselves. So here’s a pro tip: unfollow the people who keep retweeting Donald Trump into your feed, and replace them with Val Kilmer. You won’t be disappointed. His Twitter is a mix of tweets about Mark Twain, anecdotes about his heady days mingling with other famous people like Lou Reed and Fifty Cent, and closeup shots of his abstract art — usually some combination of enamel, stencils and spray paint. There’s also a lot of “Val-” portmanteauxing going on.
Kilmer has been producing sculpture and painting for years now, and recently set up a web site where you can purchase limited editions of his creations for extremely reasonable prices. There’s a whole series on the word GOD—Kilmer is a devout Christian Scientist (a few years ago, TMZ reported that he refused treatment for a throat tumor because of his religion, and in 2016, Michael Douglas speculated Kilmer was suffering from the same type of oral cancer he’s had, which Kilmer refuted in a Facebook post. In a radio interview with K-EARTH 101, he said he was suffering from a mysteriously swollen tongue. The radio host says he sounds a little like Marlon Brando, and he quips back that he sounds like Sly Stallone on quaaludes.)
ANYWAY, I’m not here to speculate about Kilmer’s health, I’m here to say, his tweets are Good and entertaining to read. See below:
Once I whispered to #BridgetBardot all night... in the south of France... and I don't speak much French... and she speaks even less English.
And we need Val. Smash that Follow button! He’s only got 183,000 followers.
Follow Val Kilmer’s Twitter was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Yes, for Americans though not for the world as a whole. For the relevant thought experiment, assume an exogenous shift in noise trading boosts the value of the dollar. That increases the wealth of individuals and institutions that are long dollars, and presumably this is the case for this country overall. If you owned lots of ponies, would you not want the price of ponies to go up?
A weak desire to substitute into imports could blunt this result somewhat. Or in other words, American tourists will benefit to a disproportionate degree.
The down scenario is that a lot of emerging economies have too much dollar-denominated debt, and the second-order blowback from their potential insolvencies could hurt America too.
Stefano Brizzi, a 50-year-old meth-addict who murdered a gay police officer after luring him to his apartment for sex and drugs and then ate him, has died in prison where he was recently sent to serve a life sentence.
Stefano Brizzi, 50, was found guilty last month of murdering Gordon Semple, 59, in April. A court heard that he lured the officer to his London flat for sex and drugs before strangling him, dismembering his body and dissolving it in acid in a bath, copying the method of corpse disposal used by Walter White, the lead character in the US TV series.
In gruesome details that emerged in court, the prosecution also accused Brizzi of cannibalism after bite marks were found on the dead officer’s rib and it was revealed that the Italian had cooked other parts of his body.
Brizzi admitted dismembering and disposing of Semple’s body, but claimed the officer, who served in the Metropolitan police for 30 years, died accidentally during a sex game after a dog leash around his neck slipped.
An officer with the Metropolitan Police for three decades, Semple reportedly left his home on April 1st and visited the Shangri-La hotel in the Shard building later that day. He left the hotel at 12.30pm and was last seen on CCTV about two-and-a-half hours later near London Bridge. Semple met Brizzi on Grindr, the court heard:
The court heard that on the day of the murder Brizzi was tired and bad-tempered because he had been engaged in heavy drug use, had not slept and had been let down by someone else on Grindr. He was also dissatisfied with Semple’s appearance, describing him as fat, ugly and unattractive.
Brizzi and Semple had been trying to persuade other gay men in the area to join them for a “chemsex” party, but when one man agreed to join them he was sent away by Brizzi, who told him via intercom: “We’re having a situation here. Someone fell ill but we’re taking care of it. So our party is cancelled,” the court was told.
Pathologists believe he killed the officer after the pair had sex.
Semple’s body was discovered on April 7 after a neighbor alerted police to a “smell of death” coming from the flat. Semple’s dismembered body was found dissolving in a bath of acid. Brizzi reportedly dumped body parts in the River Thames and attempted to boil his flesh away. He also ate some of it:
Officers found a pool of fat and grease inside Brizzi’s oven, which had a blood-stained handle. Semple’s DNA was found on chopsticks, a cooking pot and the oven.
Brizzi, who answered the door to officers wearing pink underpants, initially confessed to deliberately killing Semple, telling police at the scene: “Satan told me to.” But he later changed his account, claiming it was an accident caused by sexual asphyxiation.
Crystal meth addiction was behind much of Brizzi’s behavior, the court heard:
The judge said there were “terrible features” of the case and that Brizzi’s drug addiction had ruined his life. He added: “Regret you express now for Mr Semple’s death has to be seen against what you did over a number of days to his body.”
The defendant sat in the dock with his head bowed throughout the hearing.
Before the murder, Brizzi had been a £70,000-a-year web developer at Morgan Stanley, but lost his job because of his crystal meth addiction. The court was told he sought help from a users’ support group, whose organiser described how Brizzi had been obsessed with Breaking Bad.
Chris Edelson with today's must-read essay in the Baltimore Sun:
A week ago, men and women went to work at airports around the United States as they always do. They showered, got dressed, ate breakfast, perhaps dropped off their kids at school. Then they reported to their jobs as federal government employees, where, according to news reports, one of them handcuffed a 5-year-old child, separated him from his mother and detained him alone for several hours at Dulles airport.
At least one other federal employee at Dulles reportedly detained a woman who was traveling with her two children, both U.S. citizens, for 20 hours without food. A relative says the mother was handcuffed (even when she went to the bathroom) and threatened with deportation to Somalia. At Kennedy Airport, still other federal employees detained and handcuffed a 65-year-old woman traveling from Qatar to visit her son, who is a U.S. citizen and serviceman stationed at Fort Bragg, N.C. The woman was held for more than 33 hours, according to the New York Times, and denied use of a wheelchair....
The men and women who reportedly handcuffed small children and the elderly, separated a child from his mother and held others without food for 20 hours, are undoubtedly "ordinary" people. What I mean by that, is that these are, in normal circumstances, people who likely treat their neighbors and co-workers with kindness and do not intentionally seek to harm others. That is chilling, as it is a reminder that authoritarians have no trouble finding the people they need to carry out their acts of cruelty. They do not need special monsters; they can issue orders to otherwise unexceptional people who will carry them out dutifully.
* This headline refers to people only executing Trump's orders, not other human beings. Not yet.
In just two short weeks, President Donald Trump has destabilized the globe and quickly eroded even our most trusted alliances. This is exactly what his likely sponsor Putin wants, of course. This is exactly what his white supremacist advisor Bannon wants — he’s said so on the record (“Lenin wanted to destroy the state, and that’s my goal, too.”). And if sowing fear in the populace offers the GOP an excuse to pump up military spending, so be it. Most Americans, however, prefer to sleep well at night. And if we’re going to take a clear, resounding stand against this unthinkable menace, we have to use his own tricks against him.
Think about how you might discuss the head-spinningly bad judgment that led to his first and failed military operation in Yemen. Instead of talking about how all special ops are sticky but President Obama, in spite of his flaws, was incredibly careful about not putting American forces in harm’s way, try this:
It was a disaster, a huge disaster, and totally preventable. Trump messed up. Completely incompetent.
Or maybe you’d say:
Those SEALs went in there, and got torn apart. Nightmare, never should’ve happened. Trump messed up, big league. Completely unstable.
And you’d also definitely say:
Impeach the guy. He’s an unstable person. Yemen? Disaster. Everyone knows it’s true. Even he knows it. Awful. Everyone agrees.
Sure, it sounds like an SNL skit. Nonetheless, this is how the resistance (and the Democrats in office and those running for office) must communicate now. With simple, repetitive talking points. Forget clever. Use Trump’s rhetoric. Reckless, scary words are the most useful words to describe him, because almost everything he does is reckless and scary. For example:
And the phone calls, to Mexico, Australia? Unbelievable. He wants to start wars. Impeach the guy. Totally unstable. Everyone agrees.
Another important rule of Trumpspeak? Don’t let anything go. During the election, we kept hearing “crooked” and “emails” and “Benghazi” about Hillary. So keep every single travesty on the tip of your tongue. Repeat, repeat, repeat to the point where you’re boring yourself. When some new horror comes along, add it to the mix, very few words, oversimplified:
Bowling Green Massacre? Total lie. An embarrassment. Kellyanne Conway is an unstable person. Let the mentally ill buy guns? Are you crazy? Terrible! Let Putin bomb Ukraine? Bad idea, very bad. Incredibly dangerous.
Then return to the big ones:
Look at Yemen. Disaster. Totally preventable. More nuclear arms? Is he joking? He’s dangerous. Unsafe. Has to go. It’s horrifying, an embarrassment. Everyone knows it.
If you’re not boring yourself, you’re not doing it right. Seriously.
It’s time to stop trying to sound like the smartest person in the room. Your psychoanalysis of our new president only makes you sound hung up on unimportant brainiac things. Details, issues, policy analysis? Those are great for longer pieces, sure, but they’re too subtle to spread virally on social media, and too complicated to inject into conversations and protests and action calls. Make sounds that any human can understand. Throw in some core values if you want, but make that simple, too:
He’s dead wrong on immigration. Everyone knows it. Doctors, academics, American citizens, treated like criminals? Terrible. An embarrassment. He’s unfit. He‘s gotta go.
Remember that simple messages will make you sound more trustworthy to a lot of people. Thanks, TV culture! Your detailed analysis of high capitalist corruption is not going to help that much. Instead, say this: HE’S TRYING TO START A WAR.
Of course, Democrats and progressives are incredibly afraid of using rhetoric of fear, like Trump and Bannon do. But isn’t fear our new reality? Aren’t we scared out of our minds over Trump, a man who has quickly demonstrated that he’s self-obsessed, unthinkably reckless, and utterly incapable of making even the faintest diplomatic sounds come out of his mouth? We can’t sit back and wait, because his mistakes are going to build on each other until they snowball into a global disaster.
And how would Trump say that?
We’re in big trouble, huge trouble. This guy wants to start World War III. We have to stop him. He’ll get us all killed.
Remember that standing up to Trump is not about creating chaos. Standing up to Trump means restoring safety to our world. This is a rhetorical strategy — linking Trump to danger, linking Trump’s removal to safety — but it’s also plainly true: We don’t have to set stuff on fire to make our point. That would only strengthen Trump, giving him an excuse to send in the militarized police while undermining human rights. Remember what we’re fighting for: Safety. Peace. Human rights. Preventing the US from becoming the laughing stock of the world, or worse, starting global conflicts with nuclear weapons in play.
So repeat the same simple messages. Then call your reps and say the same things. “We’re worried for our lives. We’re worried about our children. Trump is unstable. He’s dangerous.” Ask them: ‘Why aren’t you standing up to him? Why aren’t you protecting us?”
Remember the things Trump said about Hillary? The devil. An unstable person. Belongs in prison. Has tremendous hatred in her heart. Crooked. It’s clear now that every last one of his descriptions of her were, in fact, projections. And now Trump is saying, of his #1 enemy, Lindsey Graham, “He’s trying to start World War III.” You think he’s not projecting this one time?
Millions of people feel the same way about Trump. Millions of people are losing sleep over this man. Stop reading the horrifying news for hours, stop trying to be clever on Twitter, stop impressing your friends with your nuanced analysis of filibustering, and let’s all speak in one, clear, simple voice. Impeachment is political. Trump has committed impeachable offenses, and the list is growing, to the point where impeachment feels inevitable to many observers. A recent poll has four out of ten registered voters supporting impeachment, and that support will only grow as Trump and his advisors continue to behave recklessly. Republicans who stand by him are likely to find themselves on a sinking ship. So pick up the phone and use Trumpspeak:
Trump is incredibly dangerous. Incredibly dangerous! It’s obvious. He’s corrupt, he’s unstable, he’s reckless. Yemen? Disaster. Putin? Pulling the strings. We’re not safe with him in office. Totally unsafe. We need your help. When are you going to take a stand against this guy? When? He’s got to go. It’s obvious. Everyone agrees.
In His Own Words was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
“Hello welcome to Jimmy’s Sub Shack.”
“Hi.”
“Have you been here before?”
“Why is that relevant?”
“Have you been here before?”
“Yes.”
“Can I take your order?”
“I’ll have the BLT.”
“Half or full?”
“Full.”
“Combo or ala carte?”
“Combo.”
“Turkey bacon or poultry bacon?”
“Isn’t turkey a kind of poultry?”
“Soaking or bone dry?
“Uh, neither?”
“Diet or regular?”
“For what? The tomato?”
“Iceberg or dijon?”
“Dijon is not a type of lettuce.”
“White, wheat, or pimento wrap?”
“White.”
“Cut in half or intact?”
“In half.”
“Decimal or imperial halves?”
“What?”
“Single halves or double quarters?”
“Whichever.”
“Under the crust or over the bread?”
“I don’t – what?”
“Chips or fruit with that?”
“Fruit.”
“Apple or plum?”
“Apple.”
“Mutsu or Crispin?”
“…that’s two different names for the same kind of apple.”
“Would you like a drink with that?”
“Iced tea.”
“Iced or hot.”
“I said iced.”
“Sweetened or unsweetened?”
“Sweetened.”
“Black or green?”
“Green.”
“Ice in the cup, or on the side?”
“In the cup.”
“Add a bakery item for 99 cents?”
“No thank you.”
“Cookie or parfait?”
“I said no.”
“Do you have a Jimmy’s Sub Shack Dealtacular Club Card?”
“No.”
“Would you like one?”
“No.”
“You earn points!”
“No.”
“You get free stuff!”
“No.”
“It tracks your movements and can be entered into evidence in a courtroom.”
“That’s… not an enticement.”
“For here or to go.”
“For here.”
“Inside the dining room or out on the patio?”
“Inside.”
“Smoking or non.”
“You haven’t been able to smoke inside a restaurant in this state since the 80s.”
“Would you like a receipt?”
“Sure.”
“Laser printed on the bag or stapled to the bread?”
“Neither of those sound good.”
“Carry it to the car for you?”
“I said I’m eating it here.”
“Thank you?”
“You’re welcome?”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
I watched this like CHARLIE YOU HAVE TO BURP OR YOU WILL DIE
The 2017 Wind Games were recently held in Spain and featured skydivers from all over the world competing in a number of indoor skydiving1 events. Maja Kuczynska competed in the freestyle category and her routine/dance/performance was arresting.
My mind broke a little watching this. People are not supposed to move like this, like superheroes…it looks like not particularly well done special effects. At several points, the way she moves reminded me of Saruman toying with Gandalf before flinging him to the top of Orthanc in the Fellowship of the Ring.
Judge Merrick Garland walked into his living room, where his wife was sitting quietly on the couch. The television was on. Jeopardy had just ended. The Garlands liked to watch together but that night Merrick was sidetracked, assisting the child of a former clerk with her law school admissions statement via Skype.
“It’s going to be Gorsuch,” Merrick said, gesturing to the television. Earlier that day he read that the President would be revealing his nominee for the Supreme Court, game-show style, and in primetime.
“Jeopardy just ended. Don’t pay attention to it. I’m not,” his wife said.
“I mean, our resumes are the same. I suppose he has a PhD. But I’ve been a judge longer. And my Circuit is better. And more of my former clerks have gone on to become law professors.” Merrick sat down next to his wife and put his head onto her lap. “He is a decade younger than I am.”
“And taller. Nina Totenberg says he likes fly fishing.” Merrick Garland’s wife began solving the New York Times crossword puzzle on her phone and waiting for her husband to go away.
“Of course. He’s conservative.” Merrick Garland got up from the couch. “So that means he’s rugged.” He made a fist and punched it into the air, pronouncing the word “rugged” like a pirate. “Give me a break. Everything he knows about fly fishing is from reading A River Runs Through It. His hands are as soft as these.” Merrick Garland held his hands up to his wife’s face. She slapped them away, gently.
“Judge Gorsuch. You’re such a dick,” he sang. “You’ll dismantle the EPA and make us all sick.”
“I don’t know. Call Joe Biden,” his wife offered. “Last time you were like this he knew how to cheer you up.” It was true. Being around an alpha male, someone who did whatever the hell he wanted at all times had helped Merrick Garland last time.
Merrick Garland dialed Joe Biden but no answer. He texted him, “hey.” Joe Biden responded immediately, “hey champ.”
“Oh hey. I just tried calling you,” Merrick typed. “But your phone is in your hand, seems like? Maybe you accidentally sent to voicemail.”
“Hi mom,” Joe Biden texted.
“Can you call me?”
Joe Biden called Merrick Garland.
“Want to come over and watch Season 1 of the Sopranos?” Merrick Garland asked.
“That sounds fun, pal, but I don’t think I’m in D.C. anymore,” Joe Biden answered. “Jill, where are we?” he yelled to his wife who couldn’t hear because she was doing cancer research in her study. “Jill? Dr. Biden, where are we?”
“Philly,” Jill Biden screamed loudly enough that Merrick Garland could hear on his end.
“I’m just not taking this Gorsuch nomination well,” Merrick explained. “Like, we’re so similar on paper.”
“Judge Gorsuch is a real man’s man though.”
“See, that’s what I mean. He’s an elite just as much as I am. The sportsman stuff, it’s all affect.”
“Merrick, what the hell are you saying? Donald Trump is the p-word and you’re whining about affect versus effect.”
“That’s not what — ” He took a deep breath and recited a mantra softly to himself. “Last time, when I was this upset, when Senator McConnell refused to interview me — ”
“I’ll take the Amtrak down tomorrow. Meet me in front of the Senate and dress up like we’re robbing a bank.”
Merrick Garland and Joe Biden met in front of the Senate as planned. Both were wearing black sweatsuits but neither appeared very threatening.
“Merrick, what’s the first thing you do when you start writing a judicial opinion?” Joe Biden asked.
“I make my margins one inch and tell the computer not to add space between paragraph breaks.”
Joe Biden mock punched the judge. “And after that?”
“I apply the facts of the case to the law.”
“Exactly right. You apply the facts of the case to the rule. And the rule here is: no stolen seats. And the fact is they’re Goddamn stealing the seat. They stole the seat from us. So what does that mean?”
Merrick Garland shrugged because he had no idea where Joe Biden was going and wished they could instead be watching the episode of the Sopranos where Tony and Meadow visit college.
“It means we steal all the seats from all the Senate toilets.”
“That’s not applying the facts to the rule?”
“All. Of. Them.” He loud whispered, while yanking Judge Garland into the bushes. Senator McCain, on his way to decide if today was the day he’d save the post-World War II order, didn’t see them.
“Ladies first.” Joe Biden said. He and Merrick Garland snuck into the women’s bathroom where Senator Claire McCaskill was at the sink wiping tears from her eyes. They pivoted quickly into the open stall behind her and Joe Biden began unscrewing the first toilet seat. He handed the screwdriver to Merrick Garland and with his eyes asked if he wanted to do the next one.
“I just feel if we keep saying ‘President Bannon’ eventually it will stick,” said a voice. It was Senator Amy Klobuchar.
“Yeah, but do his voters even care what we say?” asked Senator Kamala Harris. “I mean, you tell me. I’m from California.”
“Oh Claire,” Senator Klobuchar rushed over to Senator McCaskill. “What now?”
“I’m going to get primaried if I vote to confirm Judge Gorsuch.”
“Then don’t confirm him,” Senator Klobuchar said very reasonably.
“But we have to save the filibuster for when one of the liberals dies.”
Joe Biden coughed on purpose. There was only so much women’s crying he could take before he believed he ought to intervene.
“Joe, get the hell out of here,” Senator Klobuchar said without even having to look that it was Joe Biden hiding in a bathroom stall.
“Don’t mind us. We’re removing all the toilet seats in the Senate.”
“Stealing them. To protest my stolen seat,” Merrick Garland said.
“Neil Gorsuch is a real outdoorsman, my staffer told me,” Senator Harris said.
“You know, he wrote part of the Hobby Lobby decision,” Merrick Garland said.
“Of course we know that, Merrick. Do you know how many times I’ve been on the same Supreme Court Justice shortlist as you?” Senator Klobuchar asked as she took the toilet seat back from Joe Biden.
“No, no, let them continue. The resistance will take all forms. It’s good they’re doing this.” Senator McCaskill said as Senator Harris started making fundraising calls from the quiet stall nearest the window.
“Holy shit, did something die in here? Who’s in there?” Joe Biden kicked under the stall in the men’s bathroom.
“Is that Vice President Biden I hear out there? It’s Chuck Schumer.”
“Chuck, did something crawl up you and die?” Joe Biden asked, as Merrick Garland gagged into his black hoodie. “I hope Steve Bannon crawled up into you and died.”
“Ah yes, Joe,” Senator Schumer said as he emerged from his stall. “I too wish that.” He shook Merrick Garland’s hand. “Senator Klobuchar texted me that you two were doing this. I think it’s a great idea. Democrats need to start playing more three-dimensionally.”
“So do you think you’ll interview Neil Gorsuch?” Merrick Garland asked Senator Schumer.
“The skiing judge. You know, I read he was on the slopes when he found out his old boss, Justice Scalia, had passed.”
“That’s put on,” Merrick said. “And he clerked for Justice Kennedy not Justice Scalia.”
“Merrick, what the hell are you ever talking about? Eyes on the prize, kid,” Joe Biden yelled. “We’re pulling a stunt here. Not explaining.”
“Merrick, you leave the thinking to us now. Go enjoy your retirement,” Senator Schumer said as he washed and dried his hands.
“I’m still a judge on the D.C. Circuit,” Merrick said.
“Go have fun with Joe, now. It’ll all be fine,” Senator Schumer lied.
Joe Biden and Merrick Garland stood in the hallway, roadmapping which bathrooms to hit next, when Judge Gorsuch approached them.
“Oh my God. That’s him? He is a fucking cake eater,” Joe Biden said.
“He wants to gut the Chevron doctrine and help topple the administrative state. He wants to curb individual liberties unless you believe you are free to tell women when to use birth control.”
Joe Biden was not listening. He was walking towards Judge Gorsuch. “My God, he should be an athlete not a judge. Look at the size of those hands. He should’ve played hockey. I could’ve taught him how to body check. He could really check, that fucker, if he were a hockey player.”
“But the Supreme Court does check the President,” Merrick Garland said as he jogged to catch up with Joe Biden.
“No, like this.” Joe Biden checked Merrick Garland, playfully, but it was enough to knock over the appellate judge.
“Neil Gorsuch the fly fisherman.” Joe Biden extended his hand to the judge. “Why in the world didn’t you become a hockey player? My God, we could’ve transformed you into fucking tractor.”
“Vice President Biden.” He shook Joe Biden’s hand. “I would’ve loved to play professional hockey.”
“And Merrick Garland. A pleasure. Sorry I am sopping wet.” He gestured to his wet clothing and the trail of water behind him.
“We’re just pulling some pranks, Neil. Sorry about all that,” Merrick said.
“We just wanted a strong visual for our base,” Joe Biden continued.
“We’re sorry,” Merrick offered obsequiously.
“God damn it, Merrick. Don’t apologize for being right.” Joe yelled. “They stole your seat so we stole his.”
Stolen Seats was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
