Over four months after MTV canceled Nicole Byer’s comedy Loosely Exactly Nicole, the show might be getting a second chance at an unexpected place. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Facebook is reportedly “near a deal” to revive the series for a second season, and “a writers’ room has already been opened and some of the […]
You may remember Bill Wurtz from his video history of Japan, which I called “the most entertaining history of anything I have ever seen”. I still stand by that, but his new video on the history of the Earth from before the Big Bang — “a long time ago, actually never, also now, nothing is nowhere” — to the present day is just as good. On the development of the ozone layer billions of years ago:
In 2012, Michael Lewis gave a commencement speech at Princeton University, his alma mater. In the speech, Lewis, the author of Liar’s Poker, Moneyball, and The Big Short, talks about the role of luck in rationalizing success. He tells the graduates, the winners of so many of life’s lotteries, that they “owe a debt to the unlucky”. This part near the end is worth reading even if you skip the rest of it.
I now live in Berkeley, California. A few years ago, just a few blocks from my home, a pair of researchers in the Cal psychology department staged an experiment. They began by grabbing students, as lab rats. Then they broke the students into teams, segregated by sex. Three men, or three women, per team. Then they put these teams of three into a room, and arbitrarily assigned one of the three to act as leader. Then they gave them some complicated moral problem to solve: say what should be done about academic cheating, or how to regulate drinking on campus.
Exactly 30 minutes into the problem-solving the researchers interrupted each group. They entered the room bearing a plate of cookies. Four cookies. The team consisted of three people, but there were these four cookies. Every team member obviously got one cookie, but that left a fourth cookie, just sitting there. It should have been awkward. But it wasn’t. With incredible consistency the person arbitrarily appointed leader of the group grabbed the fourth cookie, and ate it. Not only ate it, but ate it with gusto: lips smacking, mouth open, drool at the corners of their mouths. In the end all that was left of the extra cookie were crumbs on the leader’s shirt.
This leader had performed no special task. He had no special virtue. He’d been chosen at random, 30 minutes earlier. His status was nothing but luck. But it still left him with the sense that the cookie should be his.
This experiment helps to explain Wall Street bonuses and CEO pay, and I’m sure lots of other human behavior. But it also is relevant to new graduates of Princeton University. In a general sort of way you have been appointed the leader of the group. Your appointment may not be entirely arbitrary. But you must sense its arbitrary aspect: you are the lucky few. Lucky in your parents, lucky in your country, lucky that a place like Princeton exists that can take in lucky people, introduce them to other lucky people, and increase their chances of becoming even luckier. Lucky that you live in the richest society the world has ever seen, in a time when no one actually expects you to sacrifice your interests to anything.
All of you have been faced with the extra cookie. All of you will be faced with many more of them. In time you will find it easy to assume that you deserve the extra cookie. For all I know, you may. But you’ll be happier, and the world will be better off, if you at least pretend that you don’t.
You can watch Lewis’ speech as delivered on YouTube:
I wonder if hearing that moved the needle for any of those grads? I suspect not…being born on third base thinking you hit a triple is as American as apple pie at this point. (via @goldman)
Now that the public part of the Comey hearing has ended I want to offer an acknowledgement of all the time you spent tweeting about it. Please do not mistake my brevity for a lack of appreciation — far from it! It is more an affirmation that I understand how busy you are with all your other responsibilities, and what a sacrifice it must have been for you to tear yourself away from them, knowing that you would have to make up all the lost time later.
In any event, I hope you will allow me to be the first to offer my undying thanks for all the work you did just now. I cannot overstate how valuable it was that we had you there to provide commentary on social media during this moment of national significance. Your voice in particular rose above the din to add unique and irreplaceable value to a subject about which many of us would have been confused or even clueless without the impressive guidance you brought to bear.
I know you are the modest type, and you’ll be embarrassed by all this praise, but before you brush it off with self-deprecating asides about just being part of the conversation I want to say, no, that’s not what happened, and we all know it: You, sitting there tweeting even though you knew thousands of other people were doing and saying the same things — frequently faster and often with more precision and wit — were the hero that America needed at moment where it never needed a hero more.
Now I know you’re anxious to get back to everything you put off so you could come to us in our hour of desperation, but please do so knowing that our gratitude goes with you and will never die. This country owes you a debt it can never fully repay, but will try to a little bit each day from here on out. Take a bow. You’ve earned it.
Thank You For Your Service was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
I just like reminding people that nothing makes sense.
Two years ago, Kansas repealed a law requiring that 20 percent of the state’s electric power come from renewable sources by 2020, seemingly a step backward on energy in a deeply conservative state.
Yet by the time the law was scrapped, it had become largely irrelevant. Kansas blew past that 20 percent target in 2014, and last year it generated more than 30 percent of its power from wind. The state may be the first in the country to hit 50 percent wind generation in a year or two, unless Iowa gets there first.
Some of the fastest progress on clean energy is occurring in states led by Republican governors and legislators, and states carried by Donald J. Trump in the presidential election.
The five states that get the largest percentage of their power from wind turbines — Iowa, Kansas, South Dakota, Oklahoma and North Dakota — all voted for Mr. Trump. So did Texas, which produces the most wind power in absolute terms. In fact, 69 percent of the wind power produced in the country comes from states that Mr. Trump carried in November.
Great intro video, but subscribe to my channel if you want some real advanced tips
The internet is chock full of articles and videos on how to be happier. But why chase happiness when making yourself miserable is so much easier? In this video, CGP Grey shares seven tactics to maximize your misery:
1. Stay still.
2. Screw with your sleep.
3. Maximize your screentime.
4. Use your screen to stoke your negative emotions.
5. Set vapid goals.
6. Pursue happiness directly.
7. Follow your instincts.
Big news around these parts: the Shake Shack is coming out with their first cookbook next week. Shake Shack: Recipes & Stories details how the Shake Shack came about and spills the beans with recipes for almost all of the food, burgers, chicken sandwiches, and fries included. According to Eater, the recipes have been tweaked for the home cook:
Rosati shares almost all of the company’s recipes, though unfortunately he isn’t giving away any real secrets here. The processes have been adapted for the home cook, and Garutti told Eater that only “six people” in the world know the real recipe for Shake Shack’s signature sauce.
The recipe in the book for Shack sauce is a mixture of Hellman’s, Dijon, Heinz, pickle juice, salt, and pepper. “We make our own from scratch,” Garutti says, but when he and Rosati first started testing recipes for the book they came to the conclusion that these weren’t recipes “most people would want to make at home,” because they were labor-intensive, “messy,” and time-consuming.
#and I just don’t feel entitled to someone else’s life’s work.
That comment exactly!! It’s not mine and I can survive without it, so I will.
This is why honey is not vegan.
The problem here is that honey, especially if you buy it ethically from an apiarist, isn’t actually detrimental to the well-being of the bee or the hive. In the wild, honey is used as a food stock, but in a domesticated honeybee colony, the bees are fed quite well, and so the honey is a surplus.
The alternatives, like sugar, relies on monocrops in third world countries, with transient labour. Growing up, there was a sugarcane field by my house, and I’m sure the Haitian men who worked backbreaking hours hacking a machete through knife-bladed leaves in 40 degree heat for a couple dollars a day would have traded a testicle to be a Canadian honeybee. Stevia’s going the same way, iirc.
Additionally, apiarists are actually huge proponents and activists for sustainable bee-keeping, and it’s estimated that the domesticated hive may be the last great hope for declining populations, because we can optimize their chances for survival.
It’s their life’s work, sure, but it’s not the death of them to use it responsibly.
literally read anything about the history of sugarcane and the cuban sugar industry if you think sugar is or ever has been more ethical than honey
Beekeepers-
Provide a home for the bees
Keep that home warm in the winter
Keep the bees well fed, negating the need for honey, which the bees would make anyways
Still do not take all the honey, just in case
Protect the bees from predators
Monitor the hives for any signs of the parasites, diseases, etc. that cause colony collapse disorder
Their bees-
Provide a valuable and reliable source of pollination for plants in the area, both wild and crops
Help keep the local ecosystem healthy
Honey-
Is one of the healthiest things you can eat
Is able to keep for a EXTREMELY long time (Millennia even), making it more valuable than many perishable foods without being full of preservatives
Can be used to soothe sore throats, nauseau, etc.
Has been eaten by humans since at least Ancient Egypt (We’ve found STILL EDIBLE honey in tombs)
Is a great tool in cooking, adding sweetness without raising the sugar content much
Is a staple food in many people’s diets
Honey is amazing you can put it on or in pretty much everything I goddamn love it and you should too.
Honey is also a natural antimicrobial that has been used medicinally since time out of mind on external wounds like edible neosporin.
Particularly useful in the treatment of dermal abcesses.
“oh no we steal it from the bees!”
*has no problem benefiting from exploited migrant farm workers*
The TRUMP ADMINISTRATION is attending Mass before they leave Europe. POPE FRANCIS is finishing up his homily about how he can’t think of a less Catholic family than the Trumps. IVANKA is smiling and wondering how hard it really could be to convince a billion people to care about the bullshit you are selling. JARED is not smiling, but he is thinking about how satisfying it sometimes can be to accomplish simple tasks like pumping a car with gas, or taking a tenant to small claims court for minor property damage or completing a mandatory compliance training at work.
JARED [fidgeting in his pew, nervously]: I still have to do those mandatory HR trainings. One’s for harassment prevention and one is for like bullying in the workplace. Do you think I could access them on my phone here?
IVANKA [leaning in]: Every interaction you have with a female isn’t an opportunity to be mothered.
JARED [afraid]: You’re my wife though?
IVANKA [powerfully]: I don’t know where the training is. Ask Kellyanne. Better yet. We’re in St. Peter’s Basilica. Say a prayer the FBI doesn’t have the recordings of —
[JARED’s phone vibrates. It’s his brother JOSH commenting on his recent MyFitnessPal inactivity.]
JOSH [via MyFitnessPal app]: I noticed you haven’t logged any meals today. You ok, bro bro?
JARED [via MyFitnessPal app]: I’m in the Vatican. I’m doing some weird fast thing with the other Catholics on the trip. They won’t eat before they receive Communion or something.
JOSH [via text messaging]: Message me here, dummy. Fucking cathies.
JARED [liking JOSH’s comment, “fucking cathies”]: I’m effing starving.
JOSH: Nah, you’re probably just thirsty. Get some of that weird g-d water before it’s turned into wine lol.
JARED: Why do people always say I’m probably just thirsty when I say I am hungry?
[POPE FRANCIS invites poor people and MELANIA to the altar. He washes their feet and they all joke about how terrible everything on Earth is now and how disgusting TRUMP is.]
JOSH: Because you’re weak. You, need, like, a trigger warning for when Steph Curry effs around with his mouth guard.
JARED: Cavs in 7 btw.
JOSH: Omgggg no
JARED: Yeah jk. I have to say that because I think we won Ohio.
JOSH: Who the eff is we? The only thing keeping me from getting Lebron to run for Governor of the state of Ohio is knowing that defeating Kasich would make your father-in-law kind of happy. And why are you at a church with them? Does mom know?
POPE FRANCIS [to the congregation]: I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth.
JARED [crossing his fingers with one hand and typing to JOSH with the other]: Did you see what we are wearing? It’s like we’re sitting shiva at the Olive Garden.
[POPE FRANCIS says something about Jesus’s blood and JARED feels faint. When he regains his bearings, JARED remembers hosting a blood drive his senior year of high school. It was literally the only thing on his Harvard application. The National Honor Society had hosted theirs a week earlier but a guidance counselor called a bunch of nurses and finagled another drive, so Jared could organize it and write a personal statement about the experience. The hospitals in Bergen County must’ve had so much blood that month, JARED thought.
STEVE BANNON enters and the building somehow does not crumble. He is yelling that Europe is a Christendom. Everyone, including POPE FRANCIS, shushes BANNON.]
STEVE BANNON [obstinately, because he hates being shushed]: And I fucking love that about Europe.
[STEVE BANNON takes his seat in the pew in front of JARED and IVANKA but first pisses in the holy water even nuns know not to bless themselves with. He says “beep beep” to KELLYANNE CONWAY so she makes room, as he glares at JARED who is still messaging his brother via MyFitnessPal.]
JARED [to JOSH, via MyFitnessPal app, again]: Ugh, Steve is here.
JOSH [via text messaging]: You’re a mess. Text me here. Look at your fucking life. Go for a run.
STEVE BANNON [staring directly at JARED]: Normally I would report people using their phones in Church to my friends at Opus Dei. [STEVE BANNON removes his phone from his cargo pocket and shares a meme of what baggage handlers do to your luggage at airport, except the meme says ‘they’ instead of ‘baggage handlers.’ He was late to Mass because he was editing the footage in his hotel room where he knew he would have the strongest wifi signal.] But, as they say, when in Rome.
POPE FRANCIS [clearing his throat, but not expecting much from this group]: Take this, all of you, and eat it.
JARED [via MyFitnessPal app]: brb I think they’re getting to the dinner part?
STEVE BANNON [reaching his back to rub it, and then hurting his back even more]: My back is fucking killing me. Can you hurry up and get to the wine part? [STEVE BANNON googles his symptoms.] I either have diabetes or something really bad.
KELLYANNE CONWAY [whispering quietly, hoping to least appear pious to POPE FRANCIS]: You don’t already have diabetes?
STEVE BANNON: I haven’t been to a doctor since they forced Ronald Reagan to acknowledge AIDS. [STEVE BANNON stretches all the way around in his seat, so his hot breath reaches JARED, who winces.] Hey Jacob. I saw the story in the Times Magazine about how you’re a slumlord in Baltimore. Jesus fucking Christ. I knew you were a wuss but are you also LARPing a lost season of the Wire?
POPE FRANCIS [raising a cup, but wanting to chuck it at the TRUMP ADMINISTRATION]: This is the chalice of my blood, the blood of the new and eternal covenant, which will be poured out for you and for many for the forgiveness of sins.
[JARED looks to IVANKA for help but she is reading customer reviews of her book, a bestseller.]
KELLYANNE CONWAY [now using her full-volume, Anderson Cooper-interview voice, but slurred with fewer mood stabilizers because she has been fasting]: You know, Jared, when the MSM profiles me, I am framed as a harried working mother who can do it all.
IVANKA [inflating her book’s Amazon rating and ranking, by creating fake user accounts like STEVE BANNON showed her]: It wasn’t a profile of him.
JARED and STEVE BANNON [for once, in unison]: It was a full-scale investigative report.
KELLYANNE CONWAY [googling furiously for the article]: Wait. Like the investigation?
[Meanwhile, TRUMP is receiving Communion. POPE FRANCIS looks up at the image of God painted on the ceiling and, in Spanish, negotiates that while he knows he is moving things a little fast here on Earth, he’d be willing to advocate redistributing only some of the wealth, if God could please please please smite the TRUMPS on a silly technicality, like using mobile devices in Church.]
KELLYANNE CONWAY [loading the article on her phone]: By the way, we need a name for the investigation. [She opens her Notes app and types, portmanteau of Jared plus treason?] Like only to use internally, I mean.
[The floor of the basilica splits open but none of the TRUMP ADMINISTRATION falls into Hell because this is real life and not a Christian allegory. SEAN SPICER group messages the staff, safe in their pews, to please pick him up a Church bulletin, and everyone deletes his text simultaneously.]
Jared Kushner Texts at Church was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
sorry if this is NSFW for your workspace but today's gay drama is that this porn is catching flak for being disrespectful to aboriginal culture, and yes, this is a real debate that is happening in all of our finest publications.
Google it if you don't believe me, I think you have enough keywords to figure it out
IVANKA is project managing a dinner she is hosting to convince JUSTICE KENNEDY to retire this summer. She understands how important a right-wing judiciary is to her father’s base, and believes that a vacancy on the Supreme Court could distract from the all the obstruction of justice and treason talk. IVANKA realizes that she hasn’t heard from JARED in a few hours and rushes to her bedroom to scold him for sleeping during the day.
JARED [sitting on his bed and flipping through an old yearbook, reading his senior quote, a lyric of his favorite band at the time, the Wallflowers.] We could be heroes, just for one day. [JARED smiles as he remembers the day his father wrote the check to Harvard, how special it made him feel to have a dad who would open doors for him, especially at the expense of worthier individuals.] I can be a hero anywhere. I don’t need to be a hero in Washington. Where do Democrats always want to move? Scandinavia? Denmark could be fun.
IVANKA [standing in the door and imagining that she is drowning JARED, not herself]: Another soliloquy? To leave or not to leave? Wake up, Jared. This is your life now. You’re not going anywhere.
JARED [existentially]: I haven’t had a dream since we moved into this dumb house.
IVANKA [logically]: If you’re Hamlet that makes me Ophelia. Which means you’ll be the one who kills my father. [IVANKA takes the yearbook from JARED, and begins tearing pages from it, until the binding breaks.] Go downstairs and help the help with dinner. This is not Hamlet. It isn’t even King Lear. It’s Frontline and we are about to defund PBS. Besides, the President is mine to avenge, not yours.
JARED [putting on his tie and jacket]: First, can I try to get the Lockheed Martin CEO on the horn again?
IVANKA [shaking her head]: Don’t use my brothers’ diction. [IVANKA texts JUSTICE KENNEDY that they will be serving Korean tacos tonight, and that he should please, please bring his appetite.] If we are moving anywhere it will be France and I will probably leave you for Emmanuel Macron.
JARED walks to the dining room, dragging his feet and whining the entire way. JARED is really crabby even though the media reported that he was the one who convinced TRUMP to fire James Comey earlier this week. IVANKA pays no attention as she directs her staff to fill a piñata. JARED eats a carrot stick from the veggie tray and immediately gets the hiccups.
JARED [hiccupping]: Why the fuck do carrots always give me the hiccups?
IVANKA [inspecting the fill of the piñata and then showing her assistant the tree in the yard it should hang from]: It’s been a stressful week for all of us. No one cares about how much air you swallow while eating.
The doorbell rings and it is JUSTICE KENNEDY. He is wearing his judicial robes, tattered and soiled, and he is extremely out of breath.
JUSTICE KENNEDY: I’m sorry that I am catching my breath, before meeting with the family of a coequal branch of government, but a terrier chased me half a block.
IVANKA gestures to JARED to get up and greet the Supreme Court Justice. She motions to her staff to bring JUSTICE KENNEDY a towel to dry his sweaty face.
JARED [rolling his eyes]: Hello Justice.
IVANKA [lying]: Justice Kennedy, it’s so nice to finally meet. In this household, we worship your judicial restraint and moderation. [IVANKA dabs the Justice with the towel.] Please accept my deepest apology for the damage. She’s Steve Bannon’s dog and sometimes she loosens herself out of her leash.
JUSTICE KENNEDY: That’s kind of you to dog sit for Mr. Bannon. I didn’t realize he was still in the picture, to be frank.
IVANKA [shamelessly]: He may join us for dinner. He has been staying upstairs.
The KUSHNER CHILDREN enter, singing “But Her Emails,” a song they wrote themselves, to the tune of “Frère Jacques.”
JUSTICE KENNEDY [eating a carrot stick and then hiccupping]: What delightful children!
There’s a loud rolling sound coming from upstairs. IVANKA knows that it is STEVE BANNON, awake from his nap and bowling with cannon balls he has pilfered from the Coast Guard.
IVANKA [texting STEVE BANNON to quit it, unless he wants to scare off their best hope for reclaiming the narrative]: Jared, why don’t you tell the Justice about your newest business plan?
JARED [entering his carrot sticks into MyFitnessPal]: It’s Netflix but for tap water.
JUSTICE KENNEDY [raising his water glass disgustedly]: Is this from a tap?
IVANKA: No, no. Jared’s product will be bundled with the AHCA if the Senate can ever move away from —
STEVE BANNON enters. There are still marks on his bloated face from the mask his doctor prescribed him for his sleep apnea. He is eating Twizzlers and yelling at his dog to heel.
JUSTICE KENNEDY [randomly]: I’ll never forget where I was when I learned Twizzlers were made of mostly flour.
STEVE BANNON [shoving the Twizzlers into JUSTICE KENNEDY’s personal space]: Want one? Be careful. [STEVE BANNON winks theatrically.] Yours might be poisoned.
IVANKA [texting her chef that they are ready for dinner to be served]: Steve is kidding. He doesn’t think you’ll voluntarily retire while my father is President.
STEVE BANNON [truthfully]: You’re not in the family.
JUSTICE KENNEDY [enjoying arguing]: What about my vote that healthcare, one of the largest sectors of the economy, is not commerce?
STEVE BANNON [enjoying arguing]: What about your vote to uphold the constitutional right to abortion, only in the narrowest of circumstances?
JUSTICE KENNEDY [acknowledging that he agrees to disagree]: I thought it was just brilliant to submit to the media a list of judges the President, if elected, would like to appoint to the Supreme Court, to help convince those otherwise disinclined to voting for him that he cares deeply about dissolving public sector unions. It worked on me, in fact.
STEVE BANNON [eating a fistful of Twizzlers]: What’s for dinner?
KUSHNER CHILDREN [in unison]: Taco night! Kimchi! Kimchi!
STEVE BANNON [gagging himself]: Barf.
The staff sets up the taco making station on the dining room table. Everyone but STEVE BANNON digs in. Even the BANNON DOG begs for kimchi.
JUSTICE KENNEDY [chowing down, and getting food everywhere]: I never knew a dog to eat vegetables. She must like the funk from the fermentation.
IVANKA [kicking the dog]: Please excuse her.
STEVE BANNON: The bitch hasn’t been the same since they made me spay her.
IVANKA [powerfully]: We asked that if you insist on not crating her, you make an accommodation. Spaying a dog that regularly escapes from her restraints seems reasonable, don’t you think, Justice Kennedy?
JARED takes a Twizzler from STEVE BANNON’s stash, and begins coughing hysterically. JUSTICE KENNEDY texts his former clerk and current colleague, JUSTICE GORSUCH, that he wasn’t wrong about these people.
IVANKA [calmly]: Steve, you told me you were kidding about the poison.
STEVE BANNON [truthfully]: I was. He isn’t choking.
IVANKA [sternly]: Jared, you aren’t choking. Justice Kennedy, he isn’t choking. [IVANKA gestures to her children to begin their presentation about why JUSTICE KENNEDY should retire before the market crashes and even government pensions disappear.]
JARED [having an aha moment]: What does it even matter? [JARED dramatically pushes away from the table.] I’m going back upstairs.
JUSTICE KENNEDY [rising to shake JARED’s hand]: The Prince of Washington, what a delight to finally meet you. I see now that the executive branch is in very steady hands. [JUSTICE KENNEDY texts ROBERT MUELLER to please pick him up as soon as he can. He has lots to share.]
JARED brushes past JUSTICE KENNEDY, and walks not upstairs, but into the yard. He picks up the broomstick next to the tree where the piñata is and begins whacking the papier mâché skull. He whacks and misses, whacks and misses. Eventually the piñata falls down, without breaking. He kicks it, but he still can’t break it open. Defeated, JARED sits on the ground and texts IVANKA that he is outside and asks whether someone can bring him a jacket.
Jared and Ivanka Host Dinner was originally published in The Awl on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
Sasheer Zamata of the SNL cast is leaving after this last season as well, which makes three cast members who called last night’s episode they’re last. Zamata was most known for her impersonations of Michelle Obama, Beyonce, Solange, and Rihanna.
I feel really good about the bet I placed on not making it to 2018.
Former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn will defy the Senate Intelligence Committee subpoena for documents related to the Trump-Russia probe and invoke the 5th Amendment against self-incrimination, according to the AP.
That’s according to a person with direct knowledge of the matter. The person spoke on condition of anonymity to discuss the private interactions between Flynn and the committee.
Flynn’s decision comes less than two weeks after the committee issued a subpoena for Flynn’s documents as part of the panel’s investigation into Russia’s meddling in the 2016 election.
An annual national burger poll, which ranks America’s chains based on familiarity, quality, and likelihood of purchase, revealed a surprising winner this year: Five Guys. The pollsters attribute the win to Five Guys’ ability to expand beyond its regional roots — it now has 1,500 locations worldwide. In-n-Out claimed the top spot in the last two years.
Tony Bourdain posted a very adorable photo of himself with girlfriend Asia Argento and made his relationship, in People parlance, “instagram official”:
not making it to 2018.
not making it to 2018.