Shared posts

22 Sep 15:58

Talking Smack

by Reza

talking-smack

22 Sep 18:08

Rhode Island Man Manages to Get Four DUIs in 30 Hours

by Aleksander Chan
Krankota

(Star-Spangled Banner as performed by mouth trumpet)

Rhode Island Man Manages to Get Four DUIs in 30 Hours

John Lourenco, 53, appears to have been a part of an unprecedented number of arrests by Rhode Island police this month after he was cited with four DUIs in the space of 30 hours. Lourenco allegedly crashed four different vehicles while driving drunk, three into other vehicles and one into a tree.

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30 Sep 15:01

Numbers One Through 12, Ranked

by Albert Burneko on The Concourse, shared by Albert Burneko to Deadspin
Krankota

These will never stop making me laugh.

24 Sep 15:00

If Lesbian Porn Were Accurate, In Haiku

by Anna Pulley
Krankota

HAHAHAHAHA

Petite Red Head and Caliente Latina Roommates Surprise the Pizza Delivery Man

With a lecture on

how his employer should

compost pizza boxes.

*

Two Blondes Engage in Some Much-Sought-After Pussy Play

Susan and Chris knew

how understaffed the local

no-kill shelter was.

*

Read more If Lesbian Porn Were Accurate, In Haiku at The Toast.

25 Sep 18:15

Dirtbag Zeus

by Mallory Ortberg

ZEUS: what is this
i dont like this
HERA: it's our son
that's our son, i've just given birth to him
i've named him Hephaestus--
[Zeus flings the newborn off Olympus]
ZEUS: what son
i dont see any son

 

ZEUS: wanna hook up
IO: aren't you married?
ZEUS: my wifes cool
we have an open thing
IO: wow
i guess ok then
[the sky darkens]
ZEUS: oh shit oh fuck
IO: what is it
ZEUS: my wife is coming
IO: i thought you said your wife was cool with--
ZEUS: shut up
i have to think
[ZEUS turns IO into a cow and casually leans against her]
ZEUS [whispering]: i am so sorry
i will change you back as soon as she leaves
HERA: what are you doing down here
ZEUS: I BOUGHT YOU THIS COW ISN'T THIS COW GREAT IT'S A PRESENT FOR YOU YOU CAN KEEP IT FOREVER AND EVEN KILL AND EAT IT IF YOU WANT
[whispering] i am so sorry

Read more Dirtbag Zeus at The Toast.

25 Sep 16:20

Elderly Columnist Reviews Her Local Applebee's and It Is Poetry

by Erin Gloria Ryan on Jezebel, shared by C.A. Pinkham to kitchenette
Krankota

I want this lady to be my grandma.

Elderly Columnist Reviews Her Local Applebee's and It Is Poetry

Marilyn Hagerty, North Dakota newspaper restaurant critic behind the most viral Olive Garden review of all time, is back with a review of her local Applebee's. And thank goodness.

Read more...

25 Sep 17:40

The New Owner Of The Clippers Wants Players To Ditch The Apple Products Because He’s ‘MICROSOFT 4 LYFE’

by isaacand
Krankota

Heh

Steve Ballmer

Getty Image


By all accounts Steve Ballmer’s finally in charge of the Los Angeles Clippers. After months of back and forth with the NBA’s most dysfunctional couple, Donald and Shelly Sterling, Ballmer’s ready to start his tenure. His first order of business is ridding the organization of iPads, iPhones and every evil thing Apple has created. After all, Ballmer is MICROSOFT 4 LYFE having been the CEO from 2000 until his resignation just a few short months ago. He’s still the largest owner of Microsoft stock with $15.7 billion in shares.

It should come as no surprise, then, that the Clippers will be a Microsoft organization. The son of a Ford Motor Co manager, he’s always been a company and product loyalist, banning his own family from using Apple’s iPhones.

“Most of the Clippers on are Windows, some of the players and coaches are not,” Ballmer said.

“And Doc kind of knows that’s a project. It’s one of the first things he said to me: ‘We are probably going to get rid of these iPads, aren’t we?’ And I said, ‘Yeah, we probably are.’ But I promised we would do it during the off season.”

So the Clippers went from hating black people to hating Apple products. We’re finally making progress America. #BendGhazi’s slowly bringing us together as a nation.

[Reuters]


Filed under: Sports Tagged: APPLE, DONALD STERLING, Los Angeles Clippers, steve ballmer
25 Sep 15:00

How To Tell If You Are in an Essay on Adulthood

by Sarah Hamburg

Previously in this series.

You love Don Draper, but at the same time you're glad patriarchy is dead. It was a tough fight, and when you watch Don Draper you can see that he understands this too— both the love, and the complicated gladness.

At patriarchy's funeral you were the one who laid a wreath on the coffin, and it was you who brought coffee to the grieving widows. You offered your shoulder and tried to be strong. You worry now that they may not have noticed.

You realize that how you view adulthood must have been shaped by something. Maybe that something includes race, sexuality, religion, ability, class, gender identity... maybe more. This is why you invite others to share the ways they deviate from you.

Other people are ALWAYS welcome to add their thoughts. You are only starting the conversation.

You read Henry James. 

You realize that it's too soon after patriarchy's death to speak about progress.

Read more How To Tell If You Are in an Essay on Adulthood at The Toast.

25 Sep 01:21

Mom Attempts to Serve Vagina Cookies to 2nd Grade Class, It Ends Badly

by C.A. Pinkham
Krankota

Wow.

Mom Attempts to Serve Vagina Cookies to 2nd Grade Class, It Ends Badly

Who's up for some lady fingers? Well, not fingers, as such.

Read more...

25 Sep 14:53

Stevie Johnson Has A Fantasy Team Full of Regular People

by Christmas Ape
Krankota

That's super fun.

Getty Image


NFL players get relentless hounded over Twitter by fantasy football players upset that they didn’t get as many points as they would have liked in a game that doesn’t have any impact on the actual player’s life. So it’s only fair that Stevie Johnson gets to make jokes on Twitter that he is putting together a fantasy regular life team full of everyday people doing everyday things.


I drafted many of you to my fantasy work team so make sure to grab me some points today at your workplace. Don't let me down.

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 24, 2014

Personally I think I’m a pretty okay fantasy mundane life player. It’s only 11 a.m. and I’ve written a bunch of blog posts, walked the dog and did the laundry. Once I go to the gym a little later, I feel like that has to be worth eight, possibly even 8.5 points.

Though I don’t know. Everyone else seems to be earning Stevie 13 points. It’s like this whole league only operates in increments of his jersey number.


13 pts/ day each day you don't skip class #HBHF@JimmyM717: @StevieJohnson13 I didn't skip any classes today, that's gotta be a few points”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014


13 points, easy #HBHF@FittedGameMean: @StevieJohnson13 go back to work tomorrow 12 hr shifts 7a-7p I kno that's good for a gang of points”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014


13 easy pts. Salute “@GDubb827: @StevieJohnson13 about to hit my 6 yr mark at the treatment facility I work at for juvenile boys!!!”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014


Easy 13 pts #HBHF@WJCashmoney: @StevieJohnson13 got an A on my first college quiz. How many points we talking?”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014


13 pts for the ladysman “@youngGONZO_: @StevieJohnson13 Ripped up tickets, escorted 5 people to their seats & still got some girls numbers.”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014


Legendary, 13 pts for sure “@DJMarcotix: @StevieJohnson13 I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything”

— HiMom. (@StevieJohnson13) September 25, 2014

How are YOU earning Stevie Johnson 13 fantasy points?

24 Sep 21:29

Easy mistake, @Slate pic.twitter.com/IDkw0Cr5xO — jennifer bendery (@jbendery) September 24, 2014

by Barry Petchesky
Krankota

hahahaha!

Easy mistake, @Slate pic.twitter.com/IDkw0Cr5xO

— jennifer bendery (@jbendery) September 24, 2014

Read more...








25 Sep 12:30

These Modern SAT Questions Seem Legit

by ludditeandroid
Krankota

Hahaha!


Winter is coming, which means it’s now the time of year where leaf fall down so call it “Fall” we talk good. It’s this autumnal time when high school seniors take the SAT for the first or second time, so we thought we’d help them prepare for the type of questions a modern SAT test will totally include. That’s where @NewSATQuestion comes in, a Twitter which serves as a completely legit source of practice questions you need to survive in today’s fast-paced scholastic grind.

We’ve collected some of our favorite modern SAT questions below.

#NewSATQuestions Who does Kanye West credit for influencing him as an artist? a.) Yeezus b.) Himself c.) Kanye West d.) All of the above

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) April 5, 2014

#NewSATQuestions Before each meal, it is proper etiquette to: a.) place napkin on lap b.) say Grace c.) upload picture of it to Instagram

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) March 24, 2014

#NewSATQuestions Jennifer Lawrence could get the: a.) b.) c.) D.)

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) September 1, 2014

#NewSATQuestions The object below is best described as a: a.) t-shirt b.) sweatshirt c.) tank top d.) Ray Rice jersey pic.twitter.com/2W7hxZ76Mh

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) September 17, 2014

#NewSATQuestions If Drake begins ascending a mountain at an elevation of 0, where'd he start? a.) halfway b.) the bottom c.) yes d.) the top

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) March 12, 2014

#NewSATQuestions Starbucks messed up Kate's order. Kate's white. How done is she? a.) 100% done b.) 300% done c.) SO done d.) She can't even

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) March 14, 2014

#NewSATQuestions Turn down for what? a.) Jesus b.) School c.) The Vine d.) The answer cannot be determined based on the information provided

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) March 13, 2014

#NewSATQuestions Who is the best hide-and-seek player of all-time? a.) Waldo b.) Osama Bin Laden c.) Malaysian Airplane d.) Too Soon

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) March 25, 2014

#NewSATQuestions Which of the following has the largest surface area? a.) Giraffe b.) School Bus c.) Peyton Manning's forehead d.) Snorlax

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) April 6, 2014

#NewSATQuestions Joe has 6 blunts. He smokes 2, & gives 1 to his friend Travis. How many are left? a.) 3 b.) 4 c.) 2 d.) enough to get faded

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) April 6, 2014

#NewSATQuestions If Hodor and Khaleesi were in a room together, he would most likely: a.) Hodor b.) Hodor c.) Hodor d.) Hodor

— New SAT Question (@NewSATQuestion) May 19, 2014

Banner image by sarah-ji via Creative Commons.


Filed under: GammaSquad, Web Culture Tagged: .lol, NEWSATQUESTION, SAT, STANDARDIZED TESTS, TESTS, Twitter
24 Sep 20:51

The Ten Commandments, Ranked

by Greg Howard on The Concourse, shared by Rob Harvilla to Deadspin
Krankota

Unexplained Lists might have just reached the singularity.

The Ten Commandments, Ranked

1. Thou shalt not kill.

Read more...








24 Sep 15:45

Hey Look, It's The Sad Cocktail Grenades You Always Wanted

by Albert Burneko
Krankota

Worth the clickthrough

Hey Look, It's The Sad Cocktail Grenades You Always Wanted

Evidently these have been around for a while, but they're new to me. BuzzBallz: Regret In a Can. BuzzBallz: Liquid Cold-Sore. BuzzBallz: Convex Around the Sides, Like Your Abdomen When Fluid Accumulates In Your Peritoneal Cavity as a Result of the Liver Cirrhosis You Get From Living the Kind of Life That Involves Really Any Kind of Non-Observational Interaction with BuzzBallz. BuzzBallz!

Read more...

24 Sep 16:17

Hope for the Best

by Reza
Krankota

YES.

hope-for-the-best

24 Sep 04:00

Tasks

In the 60s, Marvin Minsky assigned a couple of undergrads to spend the summer programming a computer to use a camera to identify objects in a scene. He figured they'd have the problem solved by the end of the summer. Half a century later, we're still working on it.
23 Sep 16:00

A Mildly Satanic New Video Game That You Can Only Play Online With Money

by Stephen Totilo on Kotaku, shared by Tommy Craggs to Deadspin
Krankota

Super interesting.

A Mildly Satanic New Video Game That You Can Only Play Online With Money

The first thing that threw me about Jason Rohrer's new multiplayer video game was that he told me I could only play it with money on the line. Real money. MY money. Then he said the game would mail me a check if I won. It was all legal, he assured me.

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20 Sep 18:10

Bra Company May Finally Have Your Boobs Figured Out

by Tracy Moore
Krankota

Interesting!

Bra Company May Finally Have Your Boobs Figured Out

Your boobs, man. What they are all about? Are they noncompliant or are you doing it wrong? Why are they so hard to literally pin down to your chest? Because they are boobs and you are you. Good news: There is a company working on that, and they may have cracked this boob conundrum wide open.

Read more...








23 Sep 13:39

There Are No Pandas On Metta World Peace's New Panda Shoes

by Tom Ley
Krankota

Best part is the tweet.

There Are No Pandas On Metta World Peace's New Panda Shoes

Metta World Peace is going to be playing basketball in China this year, and he's going to be calling himself The Friendly Panda, or something. Anyway, he's also going to be wearing the shoes you see above, because Metta World Peace does whatever he wants.

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23 Sep 05:00

6 TV Shows That Put Insane Work Into Details Nobody Noticed

Krankota

Neat!

By Adam Wears,Amanda Mannen  Published: September 22nd, 2014  It's fun to poke holes in the plots of movies or TV shows -- that's a big part of our business model. But if we're going to mock the ones who do it wrong, we should take time to give a tip of the hat to the ones who are so obsessive about getting it
22 Sep 18:30

TSA Finds Guns, Ammo, 58 Bricks of Pot in Woman's Luggage

by Isha Aran
Krankota

Huh!

TSA Finds Guns, Ammo, 58 Bricks of Pot in Woman's Luggage

A Canadian woman attempting to fly out of JFK airport to Barbados has some explaining to do after the jolly folks at TSA found some rather questionable material in her checked luggage.

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22 Sep 19:06

Andy Reid Busts Out A Jolly Postgame Victory Dance

by Tom Ley
Krankota

So! Jolly!

Andy Reid Busts Out A Jolly Postgame Victory Dance

This moment, from the Chief's locker room following their victory over the Dolphins yesterday—flagged by Arrowhead Pride—is just your latest reminder that happy Andy Reid is one of the best things the NFL has going for it right now.

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22 Sep 16:20

Kanye West Becomes A Technical College Fashion Teacher As Part Of His Community Service

by justintinsley

His hometown of Chicago wasn’t the only place Kanye popped up at recently. As part of his mandated community service stemming from a 2013 attack on a paparazzi at LAX, Kanye West added another title to his vast mantle of distinctions: instructor. ‘Ye has been spending a good chunk of his 250 hours teaching students at the Los Angeles Trade Technical College, a school known for its concentration in apparel design.

An undeniable truth about Kanye, misguided or not, has always been the nearly unrivaled passion in everything he embraces. Judging from the photos posted via Instagram, it appears like North’s pops enjoyed himself in his temporary (maybe?) new role, too. And kudos to The Artist Formerly Known As The Louis Vuitton Don for not being one of those teachers who feels the need to write everything on the blackboard.*

Without speaking to any of the students, how effective Kanye The Teacher is is up for debate. Although, if one had to guess, a cross between a hybrid of Samuel L. Jackson in Coach Carter, Denzel Washington in The Great Debaters and Roland Pryzbylewski in Season 4 of The Wire once the students began taking a liking to him is a good place to start.

And who knows, pending he was any good and he found some true enjoyment in it, Kanye and education could be a reality somewhere down the line.

kanye-2

Instagram


kanye-3

Instagram


[HHDX]

* – To be fair, it’s also a tad easier to reach students when you’re one of the most recognizable people on the planet.


Filed under: Music, SmokingSection Tagged: EVERYTHING ELSE, FEATURED, Kanye West, SMOKE BREAK
22 Sep 18:52

Mother-Daughter Prankster Team Burn Giant Penis Onto Football Field

by Dayna Evans
Krankota

Parenting!

Mother-Daughter Prankster Team Burn Giant Penis Onto Football Field

If you're going to burn a giant, 100-yard penis onto a football field at your high school, who are you going to ask to be your accomplice? Your cousin? The valedictorian of your class? A landscaping expert? No, asshole, your mom.

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22 Sep 14:44

10cc's "I'm Not In Love" Was The Real Song Of The Summer

by Andy Beta on The Concourse, shared by Rob Harvilla to Deadspin
Krankota

Fun read!

10cc's "I'm Not In Love" Was The Real Song Of The Summer

Right now, on the upper reaches of the Billboard 200 album chart, in the midst of 21st-century pop frivolities like Maroon 5, Jeezy, Sam Smith, Ariana Grande, and Now That's What I Call Music 51, sits Guardians of the Galaxy: Awesome Mix Vol. 1, which once reigned at no. 1, and now sits comfortably in the Top 10 for the sixth straight week. Not bad for an album whose cover art features an old cassette tape and whose most recent song came out in 1979; in fact, it's the first soundtrack album in history consisting entirely of previously released songs to top the chart.

Read more...








22 Sep 14:45

Rich LA Schools Have Vaccination Rates As Low As South Sudan

by Vince Mancini
Krankota

Jesus Christ.

HippieParents

Getty Image


Right wingers love to portray Hollywood as a town full of kooky, out-of-touch, magically thinking space dopes (as opposed to the out-of-touch, racist, doomsday preppers who live in the real ‘Murica), and sadly, a lot of Hollywood residents spend all their time proving them right. Specifically the anti-vaxxer crowd, the left wing’s answer to birthers and chemtraileys. It’s gotten so bad that in wealthy parts of Los Angeles, reports The Hollywood Reporter, vaccination rates are on par with southern Sudan. Whooping cough is making a comeback, and domestic measles is at a 20-year high. But hey, at least we’re not living in NAZI GERMANY, isn’t that right, Rob Schneider?

Children’s Hospital Los Angeles is at the front line, with 72 pertussis [whooping cough] patients this year. “A number of them have been in the ICU and very, very sick,” says CHLA infectious disease specialist Dr. Jeffrey Bender. “They cough so hard, it turns into vomiting and broken ribs; they end up intubated, to ventilate their lungs.

Although whooping cough was once a national scourge, killing more than 1,100 in 1950, decades of immunizations — the DTaP (diphtheria, tetanus and pertussis) vaccine and its forerunners — almost eliminated the disease. Only six Americans died of pertussis in 1995. Alas, an epidemic has arrived. (One case of pertussis typically can cause at least a dozen secondary transmissions because it is so communicable. Antibiotics do little to ameliorate the symptoms, except to shorten the period of infectiousness.) Medical officials are increasingly alarmed — especially here in L.A. No other county in California has more cases: 1,317 so far this year. “It’s a smoldering fire that has started and it could be a complete wildfire if vaccination rates continue to fall,” says Dr. Deborah Lehman, associate director of pediatric infectious diseases at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

The problem, it seems, is “PBEs,” Personal Belief Exemptions, which you can get instead of vaccinations if you want to infect the sane parents’ kids with deadly diseases so you can flip the bird to the mercury octopus who gives autism with his needle limbs.

[...] Whether it’s measles or pertussis, the local children statistically at the greatest risk for infection aren’t, as one might imagine, the least privileged — far from it. An examination by The Hollywood Reporter of immunization records submitted to the state by educational facilities suggests that wealthy Westside kids — particularly those attending exclusive, entertainment-industry-favored child care centers, preschools and kindergartens — are far more likely to get sick (and potentially infect their siblings and playmates) than other kids in L.A. The reason is at once painfully simple and utterly complex: More parents in this demographic are choosing not to vaccinate their children as medical experts advise. They express their noncompliance by submitting a form known as a personal belief exemption (PBE) instead of paperwork documenting a completed shot schedule. [TheHollywoodReporter]

I for one am proud of this brave stand against the lizard people our nation’s brave entertainment workers are making. If you let the lizard Hitlers kill your kid’s whooping cough, and the next thing you know, they’re using the fluoride in our water to power Xenu’s soul tractor. And f*ck that, he uses his Kabbalah beam to give you wrinkles! Anyway, this fight against the tyranny of unmeasled skin involves all of us, and if we have to lose a few Apples or Moon Units in the battle against the great space satan, so be it. Do your worst, you invisible ancient volcano monkey.


Filed under: Film Drunk, GammaSquad, Movies Tagged: hollywood, los angeles, MEASLES, PBE, PERSONAL BELIEF EXEMPTION, VACCINATE YOUR DAMN KIDS, VACCINATIONS, WHOOPING COUGH
21 Sep 19:25

Here's Which Food Each State Can't Stop Talking About

by C.A. Pinkham

Here's Which Food Each State Can't Stop Talking About

Or at least, what food they can't stop talking about on Twitter, according to a team at the University of Arizona.

Read more...

21 Sep 17:35

Please Enjoy This 5th Grader’s Note Written After Discovering The Dead Kennedys

by Andrew Roberts
Photo of Dead Kennedys

Getty Image


I believe we’ve all done a lot of silly, smart, interesting, and unusual things in our youth that shaped us into the people we are today. It’s just that normally when people go on about such things, normal folks tend to give it a big wanking motion and go about their day. That doesn’t mean it isn’t cool, it just means people don’t personally care about you.

Now this awesome note from a 5th grader should be an exception to that because it features one of the more punk realizations you will ever find at that age. It belongs to 20-year-old Taylor Ruth and it represents the moment she found out about the Dead Kennedys from the library:


Now look, this could very well be fake. This is the Internet and we’ve said it a million times across dozens of bullsh*t articles about awesome things that turned out to be fake. That doesn’t lessen the main impact here: The Dead Kennedys are pretty damn cool. It would kill the excuse for the childish thoughts on the man and “fashists” with a heart.

“The man” does suck though and this did remind me of the time Jello Biafra played “the man” in Tapeheads. You can’t go wrong with Tapeheads.

(Via Badass Digest / Tumblr / VanayLands)


Filed under: Media, Music, Web Culture Tagged: Cool Kids, DEAD KENNEDYS, Might Be Fake, Punk Rock, The Man, TUMBLR
21 Sep 17:45

The Lions’ Stephen Tulloch Hurt Himself After Sacking Aaron Rodgers And Doing The Discount Double Check

by isaacand
Krankota

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Detroit Lions.

Stephen Tulloch

FOX


This is the most Lions injury of all-time. Middle linebacker Stephen Tulloch sacked Aaron Rodgers and then did the discount double check. And then he blew out his knee.

THAT’S SO LIONS!


Filed under: Media, Sports Tagged: AWESOME CELEBRATIONS, detroit lions, END ZONE CELEBRATIONS
20 Sep 16:05

How To Make Pasta With Leeks And Prosciutto, While There's Still Time

by Albert Burneko

How To Make Pasta With Leeks And Prosciutto, While There's Still Time

Oh shit, dinner is still A Thing. It exists. Disaster. This is you, creeping incrementally homeward in the transportation gridlock of your locale and mode of transit, flop-sweaty and wild-eyed like John Lithgow on the airplane, doing a frantic mental inventory of the nigh-barren refrigerator waiting for you and the sad combinations of "food" that might be assembled from its contents. Ketchup and ... ketchup and baking soda. Ketchup and fat-free Greek yogurt and the bag of celery I dropped in the bottom drawer like nine months ago. It's probably still OK, right? Maybe? Ketchup and baking soda and yogurt ... casserole? Ketchup and baking soda and yogurt casserole, and the slam of a door, and the screeching of tires, and being alone again, forever, probably.

Read more...