Shared posts

29 Oct 18:30

About The Pushup Contest Jeremy Piven Says He Won In Cuba

by dguproxx
Krankota

Shared entirely for #5. Obvy.

Novak Djokovic Foundation - London Gala Dinner

Getty Image


Okay, a few things:

1) First things first: That is the best picture of Jeremy Piven. Go ahead and poke around a bit for yourself, if you like. Take all the time you need. You will not find a better picture of Jeremy Piven. I promise.

2) Here is Jeremy Piven’s story about winning a pushup contest in Cuba, via Vanity Fair: “I went to Cuba one time, and ran out of cash, and they don’t take credit cards. And so I was genuinely stranded, and had to be incredibly crafty. You’re not going to believe this, and I’m almost afraid to even say it, but I had a pushup contest with a guy who was absolutely sure that he could do more pushups than me. I was so desperate to just get a few dollars to get some food—I was much younger, of course—and so we battled it out, and I made a little money. I made enough money to eat, and then I went home.”

3) There is so much more to that story. There has to be. And I must know all of it.

4) Like, was Jeremy Piven just running around a communist country challenging strangers to pushup contests? And if so, how many people did he challenge before he got to this guy? A dozen? More? Fifty?

5) “Hey, how was your day, honey?” “Very strange. An American in a fedora ran up to me on the street and challenged me to a pushup contest.” “ME TOO.”

6) Or was it the flipside of that, where some brawny Cuban saw an American tourist and challenged him to a pushup contest that had a grand prize of $5 and the pride of the winner’s respective countrymen. Was there a crowd around them? Was his Cuban adversary promptly imprisoned by Castro’s men for bringing shame to the nation? IS HE STILL IMPRISONED TO THIS DAY?

7) What was Piven’s plan if he lost? He entered into a Cuban pushup contest for money despite having no money to pay up with if he ended up getting vanquished, according to his story. People have been killed for less. I mean, probably.

8) How was this not an episode of Entourage? It’s got everything: a fuzzy plot filled with holes, everything working out in the end thanks to a reckless act of bravado, Jeremy Piven doing pushups, EVERYTHING.

9) As I was typing that I got a crystal clear image in my head of Johnny Drama standing off to the side shouting “VICTORY” while Turtle tries to trade one of his sneakers for Cuban weed and Vince realizes he should drop out of Aquaman 4 to do an indie Che Guevera movie, much to E’s dismay.

10) LLOYD!

27 Oct 21:06

Football As Football Gets Big Break, Has Logos Used On Fox

by RobotsFightingDinosaurs
foxfc

NFL on FOX

Things have really been looking up for Football as Football since their Kickstarter campaign failed. They opened up a web store, and yesterday they were featured multiple times in Fox’s broadcast of the Falcons/Lions game in London. As far as I could tell watching it, the logos popped up on the bumpers pretty much every time the game was coming back from or heading to commercial in place of the teams’ normal logos. According to their twitter feed, Football as Football licensed the logos out to Fox for the broadcast to add some European flavor to the game.

As an added bonus, the game was super exciting, meaning that presumably the logos found a pretty significant audience. So hey, good for the designers over at Football as Football. They have proven their moms wrong and shown them that no, a degree in graphic design is not worthless. Hopefully this means that we get to see more of this kind of thing in the future.

28 Oct 15:00

Scary Stories to Tell Dads in the Dark

by Jessie Guy-Ryan
Krankota

SO GOOD

Jessie Guy-Ryan's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

It was snowing. They told him when he took the gig--taking care of the resort during the winter season--that it'd be a lot of snow. A hell of a lot of snow. "I don't mind," he chuckled, "Don't gotta mow the lawn at least!"

Shoveling the front walk was a bitch, though. At least it just had to be cleared for him and the girls to get to the SnowCat and back.

He stamped his boots on the mat in the front hallway, carefully propping the shovel up against the corner where Sally had laid down the tarp. Tossing his gloves and boots in the corner, he pulled his phone out and texted Sally the coffee emoji. Jen had taught him that recently. Before hitting "send," he paused and added a blue heart.

Hopeful that coffee was on its way, he made his way to the area of the front lobby they'd taken to using as a makeshift living room. He heard the fire roaring and Jen and Kelly's giggles above it. He entered the room, and noticed the two girls cuddled up in an armchair--his armchair, the comfiest armchair, the one he always sat in--engrossed in the iPad.

"Now, what are you two troublemakers doing over there, sittin' in your dad's chair?"

The giggling stopped. The iPad, too, seemed to stop, a frozen reflection of red and blue and green glows on his daughters' faces. After a moment that might have been a temporary stoppage of spacetime, they stared up at him blankly.

Their voices had the howling winter wind deep within them as they tonelessly recited in perfect monotonous harmony, "This is our chair."

"We have always sat in this chair."

"We will always sit in this chair."

*

Read more Scary Stories to Tell Dads in the Dark at The Toast.

28 Oct 16:00

The Eight Types Of People You Meet In Every Office

by Mallory Ortberg
Krankota

OMG

The Product Manager Who Fights An Invisible Enemy Every Morning

He's so funny! Who is he swinging his arms wildly at? Is he screaming silently, or trying desperately to breathe because something is choking him? No one knows, because by the time he joins the office meeting at noon, he's in no shape to talk about it. (He's usually very badly beaten!)

The Woman Who Lives Under The Glass In The Copy Machine

Every office has one of these -- a woman whose head is only visible when you lift the cover off the copy machine in the morning and see her staring up at you from underneath the glass. How does she fit in there? What is she mouthing silently at you? Nobody knows, but it's better not to be alone with her for too long.

Read more The Eight Types Of People You Meet In Every Office at The Toast.

28 Oct 13:40

Watch The Denver Nuggets ‘Shake It Off’ In This Tremendous Parody Video

by isaacand
Krankota

So great.

I normally abhor parody videos, especially ones involving Taylor Swift. But I found myself watching this one until the end. And it’s got nothing to do with the mascot or the cheerleaders or the fact that “Shake It Off” is kinda catchy.

No sir. It’s Timofey Mosgov.

Watching a 7’1″ man wildly gesticulate in an awkward fashion is the reason the internet was invented. Thank you, Denver Nuggets. I needed that in my life.

28 Oct 20:51

meretricula: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...





meretricula:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS

YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH

28 Oct 17:51

Watch These Old People From The '60s Get Shitfaced To Wiz Khalifa

by Tom Ley on The Concourse, shared by Tom Ley to Deadspin
Krankota

So much fun. The article is perfect.

Here we have some cobbled-together footage of old white people getting hammered in the 1960s, cheekily set to "Black and Yellow" by Wiz Khalifa.

Read more...








27 Oct 15:00

Moments of Sheer Restaurant Absurdity

by C.A. Pinkham
Krankota

ENTIRELY shared for #3. It's magnificent.

Moments of Sheer Restaurant Absurdity

Welcome back to Behind Closed Ovens, where we take a look at the best and strangest stories from inside the food industry. This week, we bring you an assortment of truly absurd restaurant stories — the third of which is probably one of my all-time favorites for this series. As always, these are real e-mails from real readers.

Read more...

27 Oct 19:30

Princess Jasmine Cat Riding A Roomba-Powered Magic Carpet Is The Ultimate Test In Feline Patience

by Stacey Ritzen

The worst part about this video isn’t that this poor cat is being forced to dress like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin or sit on a jaunty little Persian Carpet on a top of a Roomba — it’s that this is a boy cat. Yes, this is the infamous Max the Roomba-Riding Cat, previously seen dressed like a shark while chasing a duck. I mean aren’t they worried that Max is going to get bullied by other boy cats for dressing up as a princess? Or that he’ll grow up confused or even worse yet, he’ll — *lowers voice* — turn gay? SMH.

Kidding, obviously. If Max feels like he best identifies wearing a princess dress, then more power to him. Now excuse me while I watch this GIF on an endless loop.

jasmine-cat

Huffington Post


(Via Huffington Post)

24 Oct 16:08

Annie Lennox Whitewashes Explanation of "Strange Fruit"

by Rich Juzwiak on Gawker, shared by Erin Gloria Ryan to Jezebel
Krankota

Shared nearly entirely for completely amazing Billie Holliday/Maya Angelou anecdote at the end. Also fuck Annie Lennox, but we already knew that.

Annie Lennox, who recently boiled down what Beyoncé does to "twerking " to dismiss Bey's feminism, was less specific though still not quite...right when when Tavis Smiley asked her about covering "Strange Fruit" on her new album Nostalgia. Popularized by Billie Holiday in 1939, "Strange Fruit" is a song about racism that vividly describes a scene after a lynching (the strange fruit is the black man hanging from it). Annie Lennox did not mention lynching in her description of the song to Smiley:

Read more...








24 Oct 17:12

Texas Should Declare Independence And Make This Their National Beer

by Will Gordon on The Concourse, shared by Rob Harvilla to Deadspin
Krankota

AGREED

Texas Should Declare Independence And Make This Their National Beer

Yesterday, one of my idiot friends told me that certain South Floridians have expressed interest in seceding from the rest of the state. Roughly 11 seconds of exhaustive Googling just now failed to turn up much evidence, but let's say it's true. Makes sense. The government's way up north, and apparently run by a combination of Jimbo Fisher and a rotating cast of whichever three other guys haven't landed on the wrong end of a Cops episode in a given week. And besides, Florida's so huge (and dongy!), it seems unlikely that even a competent, well-meaning legislature could account for the interests of such varied constituencies: They've got oranges and amusement parks and old people and Cuban people and footballers and surfers and alligators and just so many different kinds of shit happening.

Read more...








23 Oct 21:48

Watch These Non-Ohioans Try To Eat Gross-Ass Cincinnati Chili

by Albert Burneko on Foodspin, shared by Albert Burneko to Deadspin

Here's twelve non-Ohioans (West-Coasters, specifically) trying to choke down some signature Ohio foods. There's a pretty broad selection of foods, here—Glier's goetta and so forth—but the centerpiece is the Skyline 3-way; they start eating it around 2:10 in the video. Spoiler alert: They think it's gross!

Read more...








23 Oct 17:29

My Friends, It Is Time To Send Brooklyn Beneath The Waves

by Albert Burneko
Krankota

Hahahahawhat.

My Friends, It Is Time To Send Brooklyn Beneath The Waves

One of the challenges of writing about things on the internet is having the discipline to contain yourself, for the sake of being able to call an item of work finished instead of knitting it into some mammoth all-encompassing rant about, like, American culture or capitalism or the human condition or whatever that will take you the rest of your life to finish, even though nominally it is about cheese-fries or the Knicks or a weird dude you saw on the bus or some other bit of ephemera. Striking a balance between saying everything about a thing and saying nothing about it, you know?—sometimes this is hard.

Read more...

22 Oct 20:04

Halloween Wizard Nose Looks Like A Hefty Set Of Dick And Balls

by Tom Ley on The Concourse, shared by Tom Ley to Deadspin
Krankota

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Halloween Wizard Nose Looks Like A Hefty Set Of Dick And Balls

We have some bad news for the makers of the Wizard Nose: This thing doesn't look like a wizard's nose, fellas. It looks like an old guy's unit.

Read more...








22 Oct 15:50

Aziz Ansari Takes Over Sesame Street in a Ridiculous Fashion

by Rebecca Rose
Krankota

I want to hug the whole world now. So good.

This video of Grover and Aziz Ansari is just ridiculous. Totally, totally ridiculous.

Read more...








22 Oct 16:10

Conservative Think Tank: You Dumb Broads Worry Too Much About Roofies

by Anna Merlan
Krankota

JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST.

Conservative Think Tank: You Dumb Broads Worry Too Much About Roofies

A conservative think tank has embarked upon a quest to convince us all that women worry way too much about getting drugged and raped. This is an interesting hill to die on.

Read more...








22 Oct 14:00

How To Tell If You Are In A Jack London Story

by Mallory Ortberg

Previously in this series: Alexandre Dumas.

You are a dog who has murdered just everyone.

You are a man. You are a man.

You are a woman, and no good to anybody.

You were weak once, long ago, in a land where the sun shone. Now everyone you know is dead.

A man once taught you how to love by beating you gently with his calloused hands. Now he is dead.

Read more How To Tell If You Are In A Jack London Story at The Toast.

22 Oct 12:15

Google Fired Back At Stephen Colbert With The Perfect, Subtle Change To Their Search Results

by Kris Maske
colbert-height-google

Comedy Central


Last week Stephen Colbert took Google — and more specifically CEO Larry Page — to task for listing his height as an emasculating 5’10” on their search results when he has very clearly been a strong 5’11” since his teenage years. It was a glorious, random segment for Colbert to leave us with before taking this week off. Only during his week off, Google has fired back with this tremendous adjustment to their results…

colbert-height-google-result

Google


Well played, Googs. Well played. But watch your back, Page (note the second, even better joke). I imagine hope we’re just getting started here.

Via Huffington Post

20 Oct 20:06

Escaped NYC Carriage Horse Hassled By The Fuckin' Pigs

by Tom Ley

This extremely chill carriage horse escaped from his oppressors in New York City this weekend, and proceeded to take advantage of his freedom by going on a morning jaunt down 11th Avenue.

Read more...

18 Oct 18:40

Spry Dog Doesn't Give a Fuck About the Weather Forecast

by Dayna Evans
Krankota

Ripple is the best meteorologist.

Spry Dog Doesn't Give a Fuck About the Weather Forecast

While attempting to tell the people of Edmonton, Canada what their weather forecast for the week looked like (note: horrible), one weatherman was left to deal with a scrappy dog who was having none of it. I'm a dog. I don't even get what he's saying. Let's play.

Read more...








18 Oct 20:55

That Dude From Buffy Arrested at Idaho Comic-Con

by Dayna Evans
Krankota

Man. Xander looks like b-hole.

That Dude From Buffy Arrested at Idaho Comic-Con

Nicholas Brendon, 43-year-old former star of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, was arrested Friday night in Boise, Idaho for "malicious injury to property," TMZ reports. He was also charged with "resisting or obstructing officers."

Read more...








19 Oct 18:10

Wanted Man Discovered In a Dark Closet, Casually Munching On Salad

by Dayna Evans
Krankota

Why the hell not.

Wanted Man Discovered In a Dark Closet, Casually Munching On Salad

A man who was wanted for stealing a car and shoplifting in Monroe County, Tenn. was discovered inside the dark closet of another person's house, casually eating a big bowl of salad, WRCB3 reports.

Read more...








20 Oct 16:21

Marcel the Shell (With Shoes On) Returns, Is Still Adorable

by Jay Hathaway
Krankota

This is absolutely delightful, y'all.

Comedian Jenny Slate has brought back her most famous character, the adorably earnest little Marcel the Shell (With Shoes On) for a surprise third installment of his YouTube series. Slate's also-very-funny husband, Dean Fleischer-Camp, returns as Marcel's unseen, but very understanding interviewer.

Read more...








19 Oct 16:13

Here Are Some Otters Eating Sushi From Chopsticks

by C.A. Pinkham
Krankota

I love this so much.

Because you've been good, here's a video of otters eating sushi from chopsticks. You're welcome, world.

Read more...

17 Oct 20:11

These Are Our Favorite Vines

by Tom Ley on Rabbithole, shared by Tom Ley to Deadspin

These Are Our Favorite Vines

Vine is great. The Deadspin staff spends a good chunk of every work day sharing and laughing at Vines, and earlier today I asked everyone to share their favorite Vine of all time with me. These are the responses I got.

Read more...








20 Oct 04:49

One TV Station Is Willing To Tell The Truth

by Timothy Burke on screengrabber, shared by Timothy Burke to Deadspin
Krankota

Hahahaha!

One TV Station Is Willing To Tell The Truth

Send stories, photos, and anything else you might have to tips@deadspin.com.

Read more...








17 Oct 20:56

This Woman Wants You To Help Her Bone Sergio Romo

by Tom Ley
Krankota

The internet is really doing a great job today!

This Woman Wants You To Help Her Bone Sergio Romo

We got a lot of emails this week, but none were better than the one we received on Wednesday from a woman who calls herself K.G. We want to share it with you, not only because we admire K.G.'s free-spirited outlook on life, but because she is seeking assistance.

Read more...








17 Oct 18:00

All Pumpkin Everything: How Did Fall Turn Into Nutmeg Season?

by Will Gordon
Krankota

Finally some goddamn perspective.

All Pumpkin Everything: How Did Fall Turn Into Nutmeg Season?

The list of pumpkin-spiced items to which we are seasonally exposed grows longer every year: Since Starbucks opened the floodgates with the Pumpkin Spice Latte in 2003, we've been enticed, repulsed, and confused by similarly flavored vodka, bagels, yogurt, donuts, oatmeal, M&Ms, etc. And yes, this year they even came for our Oreos.

Read more...

17 Oct 18:47

Brooklynites Demand Removal of Homeless to Make Park Safe for Dogs

by Hamilton Nolan
Krankota

White people! smdh

Brooklynites Demand Removal of Homeless to Make Park Safe for Dogs

Fort Greene is one of the loveliest, and most expensive, neighborhoods in Brooklyn. It's the neighborhood that inspired Spike Lee's anti-gentrification rant earlier this year. Wealthy Fort Greene dog owners will not put up with homeless people, in the park.

Read more...








17 Oct 16:47

Dinosaurs

by Reza
Krankota

Ha!

dinosaurs