Shared posts

01 Sep 17:10


by Reza


27 Aug 18:39

The NFL Wants Kids To Learn About Fantasy Football In Math Class

by Barry Petchesky

The NFL Wants Kids To Learn About Fantasy Football In Math Class

The Wall Street Journal has a Q&A today with Mark Waller, the NFL's chief marketing officer. There's a lot of corporatespeak, and then the conversation turns toward the children. The NFL is most definitely thinking of the children.


27 Aug 18:34

Dressed to impress at the #Packers Welcome Back Luncheon. — Green Bay Pac

by Barry Petchesky

This is REALLY worth the clickthrough.

Dressed to impress at the #Packers Welcome Back Luncheon.

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) August 27, 2014


28 Aug 14:00

Lord Alfred Douglas, Dirtbag

by Mallory Ortberg

NPG x28098,Lord Alfred Bruce Douglas,by George Charles Beresfordbabe
how much do you love me
oh god
are you in prison again?
lol that was like one time in france
it doesn’t count as prison if you’re in france
what are you doing like right now
I’m trying to finish The Importance of Being Earnest
okay well
stop doing that and sue my dad
you should sue my dad
why would I do that?
he’s been telling everyone you’re gay
I am gay
well but he’s being really shitty about it
everyone’s shitty about it
well then just sue him because he sucks and I hate him
that doesn’t seem like much of a basis for a legal case
oh my god
are you going to sue him or not
all I want is a boyfriend who will sue my dad
I really don’t think that’s too much to ask
a boyfriend who will sue my dad and also come down to the Savoy to bail me out because they keep saying I owe them like £300 for champagne and sex grease
like I brought my OWN sex grease obviously


babe come over
are you all right, my ivory poppet?
im sick
come over and take care of me

it’s the boys’ first day of school
and Constance’s birthday
come over im dying
all right
I’ll be there
bring champagne


sweet Christ, Bosie
the lawyer has produced the letters I gave you in court
how in God’s name did they find their way to his hands?
I told you to burn them
what letters
our — letters of an intimacy, Alfred
did u give them to me when I was wearing that velvet suit
I don’t know
I think so
I do think so
because i gave that away
the letters?
or the suit?
i mean both i guess
like the letters were in the suit probably
lol idk i gave that guy a LOT of stuff
what guy?
the sex guy
that one guy who has sex for money
or like one of the guys who has sex for money
obviously there’s not just the one


Bosie, what is this?
its my translation of Salmoe i did for you?
thats what i said
its the version i did of your Salmon in English
youre welcome
do you even speak French
uhh what kind of a question is that
yes i speak french
what does this sentence mean?
‘On ne doit regarder que dans les miroirs’?
“don’t look in mirrors”
“buy low, sell mirrors”
“a mirror saved is a mirror earned”
something about mirrors
it’s French, it’s all the same thing
oh and not to be a dick or anything by the way
but i havent gotten my translators fee yet??


Bosie, are you at home?
do u want me to CUM OVER

Bosie, I’m ill and Constance is away
could you please come by the house and see me?
ahhh sorry im actually not in town right now?
you said you were going to come over a moment ago
a lot of things
im in jail right now
in France
in french jail so
hope u feel better soon babe
get better so we can have sex when youre better and not gross


Bosie darling, they’re sending me to Pentonville for two years
I must see you before I go
please come
sorry new phone who is this
also like whoever this is I like girls now
I mean I liked them before
just like a heads up
girls: I’m for ‘em
their legs and what have you
all the various bits that make up girls, physically and sexually and so on
big fan
so if you know any girls for sex
send them my way
send them my sexual way
(for sex)

Read more Lord Alfred Douglas, Dirtbag at The Toast.

29 Aug 12:00

5 Deranged Authors Who Wrote the Same Book Over and Over



By Seanbaby  Published: August 29th, 2014  Creeping along the walls of my home is an ever-expanding library of books by and for the deranged. I don't want to terrify you, but I know every secret of the ninja, and my section on metaphysical breast augmentation is far more than any one sexy man
29 Aug 04:00

Writing Skills

I'd like to find a corpus of writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher's 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I've heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I'd bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.
28 Aug 16:10

How To Dress For Work

by Mallory Ortberg


thinking linen


wonder jumpsuit


weather tank and tactical water

Screen Shot 2014-08-28 at 8.45.00 AM

science cape


all-bitch pantsuit


medicine hat


fighting circle


hobblin’ dress


medicine hat, part 2


a sexy horse


knife dress


thorn hat and body of crows


a man who is always biting you


cigar + vest + crimping


choking trousers


Independence Braid

Read more How To Dress For Work at The Toast.

28 Aug 19:59

Hark, A Vagrant: Batch of comics 10

buy this print!

Hello my friends!

It's been a while. I'm trying to stretch these comic making muscles again, so here are a load of sketchy sillies. In the past year, I've been doing some work in books and tv, as I've mentioned, some of it working out and some of it not. But I'm very excited to tell you that I just finished this book with Scholastic, which should be out next fall! It's a lot of fun and I hope you will like it!

I'm working on the sequel to the Hark A Vagrant book next with Drawn and Quarterly, so good news, you'll be seeing comics more frequently! And I miss making them.
27 Aug 21:39

@sportspickle Newest Madden is so realistic, it has manning face.

by Barry Petchesky


@sportspickle Newest Madden is so realistic, it has manning face. #manningface

— Jesse Nelson (@JesseDNelson) August 27, 2014


27 Aug 15:38

The First 100 Police Academy Films

by Log

This is outrageously dumb, and also amazing.

Following is a list of the first 100 Police Academy films, as they appear in Halliwell’s Film Guide.

  • Police Academy
  • Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
  • Police Academy 3: Back in Training
  • Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol
  • Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach
  • Police Academy 6: City Under Siege
  • Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow
  • Police Academy 8: The Real Bronx Cheer
  • Police Academy 9: Attack Of The Chapel Hatpegs
  • Police Academy 10: Blue Oyster Uncut

The first movie to focus entirely on the antics of the gay men in the Blue Oyster Bar, PA10 was ninety solid minutes of non-consensual dancing with a procession of increasingly straight men who unwittingly walk through the doors of their gay enforcement zone.

  • Police Academy 11: Academy Is A Seven Letter Word
  • Police Academy 12: Other Seven Letter Words Include Justice and Boobies
  • Police Academy 13: Operation: Attractive Woman
  • Police Academy 14: The Smell Of Larceny
  • Police Academy 15: Nuts To Crime!
  • Police Academy 16: A New And Highly Erratic Recruit Causes Zed To Really Up His Wacky Game
  • Police Academy 17: This Job Isn’t Easy, Hence Systematic Brutality
  • Police Academy 18: Nazis In The Hood
  • Police Academy 19: OPERATION: KILL THE NAZIS
  • Police Academy 20: Well, Yes, You Could Argue That The Nazis Were Briefly Good For The Economy, But That’s Ignoring A Whole Raft of Humanitarian Objections
  • Police Academy 21: Deeper Analysis Reveals That Germany Was Due To Come Out Of Recession Anyway, And Why Are We Even Talking About This When The World Is So Full Of Sweet Greasy Poontang
  • Police Academy 22: The Precinct Becomes Too Nutty To Qualify For Public Funding
  • Police Academy 23: Vampire Cops vs Werewolf Robbers vs Judges From Fucking MARS
  • Police Academy 24: Veal Farm Brouhaha
  • Police Academy 25: The Gay Men From The Blue Oyster Begin To Wonder Where The Straight Men Are Coming From, Decide To Try Leaving The Bar, And Spill Onto The Streets Like A Thousand Randy Gollums, Requiring Police Attention
  • Police Academy 26: Mini-Mahoney Goes Tiny Bananas In A Miniature Monte Carlo
  • Police Academy 27: Please Police Me
  • Police Academy 28: Police To Meet You
  • Police Academy 29: Police And Thank You
  • Police Academy 30: So That’s Why They Call It Hump Day
  • Police Academy For Dogs
  • Police Academy For Fish and Wizards
  • Police Academy 33: The Latest Recruit Appears To Be Nothing More Than A Bubbling Phial Of Spunk
  • Police Academy 34: Whoa, That Bubbling Phial Of Spunk Rose Through The Ranks To Commandant Pretty Quickly. Who Knew That Being Carried Around In A Test Tube Rack And Bubbling Approvingly Whenever A Nice Rack Of Tits Passes By Could Get You Places
  • Police Academy 35: You Appear To Have Somehow Misheard “Maritime Law”,  And Instead Of Having A Speedboat Chase, You Married Some Thyme. Now You Are Hitched To A Herb*

*The Hitched To A Herb spin-off series were not the celebrated cinematic releases that the Police Academy movies remain to this day. Hard ThymeJack and Dill, and Cumin My Anise all went straight to DVD.

  • Police Academy 36: Guys Guys There’s A New Female Recruit You’ve Got To See This She Is Attractive Come On Guys
  • Police Acedumy 37: Whoa, That Hot Chick Was A Bad Guy! What A Twist
  • Police Academy 38: How Can You Have The Twist To One Movie In The Next Movie
  • Police Adademy 39: If That’s Your Main Beef With This List You Have Your Priorities Utterly Fucked
  • Police Academy 40: Mahoney Alone (UK: Only The Mahonely)
  • Police Academy 41: Jones Alone (UK: AlonealongaJones)
  • Police Academy 42: Mahoney Jones – Together At Last
  • Police Academy 42b: Jones Alone 2: The Mahoneymoon Is Over
  • Police Academy 43: Steve Guttenburg  & Judge Rheinhold’s Micro-Precinct For Boys

This movie featured two Micro-Precinct spin-offs. “A Girl Gets A Job In The Micro-Precinct, Ruining It For The Men Who Just Wanted To Have Sexy Posters On The Walls While They Did Their Paperwork After A Hard Day Being Heroes”, and “Although She Did Turn Out To Be A Lesbian Who Shared Their Enjoyment Of The Posters, There’s Still Something The Boys Aren’t Happy About,  And They Decline To Analyse Their Discomfort”

  • Police Academy 44: A Lady Accidentally Inhales A Balloon, Shooting A Tampon Somehow Out Of Her Fanny, Which Comes To Rest In Mauser’s Coffee Cup Just As He Takes A Sip And Asks, Approvingly, If They’ve Changed Coffee Brands In The Precinct
  • Police Academy 45: Water Academy
  • Police Academy 46: Fire Academy
  • Police Academy 47: This Is Really Making The Police Seem Harmless, Likeable Even, Good Work Guys
  • Police Academy 48: Light-Hearted 9/12 Terrorist-Themed Romp
  • Police Academy 49: Guys, This Brand New Recruit Says He’s Never Been To A Strip Joint, That Gives Me An Idea For An Assignment
  • Police Academy 50: Hightower Eats Weetabix For 180 Minutes, Demonstrating Without Jokes That He Is Undeniably A Large Man
  • Police Academy 51: Mississippi River Boat Of Crime Gone Wild
  • Police Academy 52: Honey, I Spayed The Tackleberry
  • Police Academy 53: Downtown Misdemeanours feat. Missy Elliot
  • Police Academy 54: Egyptian Antics
  • Police Academy 55: I Said FREEZE PUNK Not FREE SPUNK
  • Police Academy 56: Seriously I Don’t Have Any Spunk For You Guys, Stop Following Me
  • Police Academy 57: Hightower I Totally Just Killed An Unarmed Black Man Can You Tell People I’m Not Racist Please It’s So Unfair All I Did Was Kill Him
  • Police Academy 58: Zed Is Up A Tree
  • Police Academy 59: This Harassment Charge Is Bullshit – You Tell Me How I’m Supposed To Arrest A Ghost Who Lives In A Bra Without Attempting To Remove The Bra
  • Police Academy 60: Blue Oyster Nights
  • Police Adademy 61: Blue Oyster Nights 2 – You Walked Through That Door, Now You Are Doomed To Dance. This Is The Way Of The Gay Man
  • Police Adademy 62: Blue Oyster Nights 3 – Let’s Just Drop The Dancing Metaphor And Just Say What We’re Getting At - All Gay Men Want To Fuck All Other Men Against Their Will, And It’s Only The Overwhelming Disapproval Of Society That Stops Them. The Second You Legalise These Horrific Atrocities, And They Are Atrocities, You Will Unleash A Carnival Of Gay Fucking In Every Room In Your House. If That’s What You Want Then Go Ahead, I’ll Be Vomiting In An Alley For The Rest Of My Life, Imagining Dicks I Do Not Want In My Mouth And Ass
  • Police Academy 63: Their Second Assignment
  • Police Academy Hospital: Sexual Healing
  • Police Academy Hospital 2: No Seriously, This Is Good For You
  • Police Academy Hospital 3: YOU’LL NEVER GET BETTER IF YOU DON’T SUCK IT
  • Police Academy 66: The Tinkers Have Build A HQ, Why Tinkers Need HQ, Hmm Suspicious
  • Police Adademy 67: OK That HQ Was Legit, Maybe Tinkers Do Need A Base Of Operations, Sorry Tinkers
  • Police Adademy 68: This Anarchic Humour Only Underlines The Need For A Codified Framework Of Law
  • Police Academy 69: When There Is No Law, The Police Must Create A Scarf Of Law Using Their Legs As Knitting Needles On The Streets Of The City
  • Police Academy 70: White Collar Crime Has Finally Spread To The Ghetto

Police Academy 71 had an illegal title, and was never released.

  • Police Academy 72: Crockpot Of Crime
  • Police Academy 73: Our Newest Recruit Appears To Be Nina Simone, How Do We Spin That
  • Police Academy 74: This New Batch Of Recruits Don’t Seem Optimistic At All
  • Police Adademy 75: Infinite Mirrored Corridor Of Mahoney
  • Police Adademy 76: Hip Hop Copz vs Reg Grundy Productions
  • Police Adademy 77: A Packet Of Cheese & Onion Crisps Fails To Drop For Hightower At The Vending Machine. Later, Zed Gets Two Packets For The Price Of One. Hightower Is Outraged –  I Mean He Used To Be A Bad Guy, Now Here He Is, Eating My Crisps. Unfortunately Hightower’s Whining Quickly Makes Him Lose Allies, Leading Him To The Inevitable Conclusion That Justice Is Secondary To PR
  • Police Adademy 78: The Philantropic Catburglar Presents A Moral Quandary, Especially Troubling When You Consider Her Lovely Tits
  • Police Adademy 79: How Do You Spell Condoleezza Rice, I’m Writing Her An Email
  • Police Adademy 80: Of Course I’m Being Polite. I’m A Big Fan Of Her Work At Dropbox
  • Police Adademy 81: Holy Fuck Condoleezza Rice Replied, How Cool Is That
  • Police Adademy 82: What Happens After The Fifth And Final Letter From Your Internet Service Provider
  • Police Adademy 83: Avant Garde Definition Of A Sequel
  • Police Adademy 84: Driving Miss Mahoney
  • Police Adademy 85: The Boys In Blue Oyster – Our New Recruits Are  A Bunch Of Hot Leather Queens
  • Police Adademy 86: The Blue Oyster Bar Recruits Tested Poorly With Our Target Audience And Are Now The Villains
  • Police Adademy 87: Yes That Is Like The Opposite Of What Happened With Zed
  • Police Adademy 88: Weekend At Bernies 3

(The Police Academy ownership of the lucrative Weekend At Bernies franchise was short-lived, and Bernie went on to feature instead in a number of Nightmare On Elm Street films. Tip! When the hell-hound resurrects Freddie Krueger by pissing a fireball onto his junkyard grave in Nightmare on Elm Street 4, check out the Bernie-led conga-line in the background!)

  • Police Adademy 89: We Are All Damned, All Of Us
  • Police Adademy 90: That Lectern Blow Job At The End Of The First Movie, From The POV Of A Camera In Mahoney’s Urethra
  • Police Adademy 91: Jones Learns A New Noise
  • Police Adademy 92: I Put The Arse Into Larceny and the Peen into Peenitentary
  • Police Adademy 93: TIMECOP vs SPACECRIME
  • Police Adademy 94: Lassard & The Giant Peach
  • Police Adademy 95: Toot Toot Fraud Trumpet Naaaaaa
  • Police Adademy 96: The Ninety Sixthest One Yet!
  • Police Adademy 97: At Last, We’ve Got John Leslie On Board
  • Police Adademy 98: Shit. It Was Leslie Nielsen We Wanted. Who Is This Limey
  • Police Adademy 99: Everyone Calms Down
  • Police Adademy 100: The Crow

The Crow movies went on to have their own rich history, which you can read here.

A version of this list was read out for the 100th episode of the Regular Features podcast. With thanks to Simon Swatman.

27 Aug 23:17

Taco Bell is Offering a Lifetime of Free Food

by C.A. Pinkham

Ha! That's some good contest, right there.

Taco Bell is Offering a Lifetime of Free Food

A new contest has Taco Bell offering the hypothetical perfect prize for many hungry, grease-loving Americans: a literal lifetime of free Taco Bell food.


27 Aug 20:30

Wait, Hello Kitty Isn't a Cat?

by Isha Aran


Wait, Hello Kitty Isn't a Cat?

Hello Kitty is one of the most easily recognizable characters in the history of modern culture. She's the smileless (well, mouthless) Mona Lisa. And this year, she's turning 40 (just two years until Esquire can deem her bangable )! But did you know that Hello Kitty is not actually a cat? No? Well that's probably not the only thing you don't know about the enigmatic Kitty.


27 Aug 15:38

The Best

by Reza


27 Aug 14:45

KSK 2014 NFL Prekkake: Houston Texans

by Christmas Ape





Last year: 2-14, last in AFC South, no. 1 pick recipient

Acquisitions: Jadeveon Clowney, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Tom Savage, Andre Brown, Chris Clemons

Departures: Matt Schaub, Ben Tate, Owen Daniels, Danieal Manning, Earl Mitchell

Disgruntled star player who desperately wants out: Andre Johnson

Guy who’s just trying to be the best teammate he can be: Arian Foster

Vegas 2014 win total over/under: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Getty Image

Five places where Ryan Fitzpatrick attended college:

– Harvard

– Fair Harvard

– “A school in Cambridge”

– Beardy State University (Harvard)

– The Harvard of the Harvards


Fan forecast by Stephanie Stradley:

So as the Texans were going 2-14 last year because they were a team adrift without a solid quarterback, Texans fans were going, “Well, I can deal with this because at least we will get a top quarterback next year.”


Goodbye Matt Schaub. Hello Ryan Fitzpatrick. Let the excitement commence!

The 2013 Texans cleaned house, but they didn’t. They got rid of their first time NFL head coach who is reputed to be good developing quarterbacks and replaced him with a first time NFL head coach who is reputed to be good developing quarterbacks.

And they’ve kept the GM who was a first time GM when he was hired by the Texans. His greatest career accomplishment might be being the youngest GM in the league when he was hired at age 36 after accomplishing nothing of note for the Broncos. The best articulation why he didn’t get canned was something to the effect of, “Well, he wasn’t responsible for the roster composition and bad picks, and was merely ineffectual as opposed to affirmatively terrible at his job.”

Being human kevlar may be the handiest skill for anyone working for a company.

So what are the Texans going to be in 2014? Football Outsiders projects them to have the easiest schedule in the league, so they might just be good enough to not to be able to draft a top quarterback in 2015.

There’s a thin reed of hope about developing 4th round quarterback, Tom Savage. Cool name, really strong arm, looks like Nick Cage if you are drunk and squinting. If he is turned into something above serviceable, the Texans could become one of those cheap quarterback teams that can sorta afford to pay Captain America J.J. Watt.

The new head coach, Bill O’Brien is a former Patriots assistant hoping to break the curse of all former Patriot assistants being abysmal NFL head coaches. He begins his tenure with the same problems the previous staff had: 1 Eh quarterbacks; 2. A small core group of stars, surrounded by some starters and depth that might not make some other rosters; 3. Not much cap room to try to fix obvious problems.

So far, Texans fans don’t really have much of a sense of what their team will be in 2014. Many of their best players are coming off of injuries, haven’t played much in preseason games, and their health is being preserved for the regular season. The coaching staff claims that what they’ve run in the preseason is vanilla.

Possibly this extreme rest thing works for them, or they start the season looking like a bucket of rust. Given the errant passes I’ve seen in practice without a real pass rush, I’m not optimistic for the offense. Apparently a member of the Denver Broncos defense who faced them in practice agrees:

Something I've never had happen before, mid-practice a #Broncos player said to me "The #Texans are terrible…"

— Brandon Krisztal (@BKDenverSports) August 19, 2014

With J.J. Watt and Jadeveon Clowney, there’s the possibility of seeing some pretty cool quarterback crushing Vines, so there’s that for entertainment value.

But in summary, there are fans who are not embarrassed about their quarterback. Then there are fans that have semi-realistic hope for the development of their future quarterback. Then there are Texans fans.

[top gifs via]

26 Aug 17:33

Arby's Has a Secret Menu Item Called "The Meat Mountain"

by C.A. Pinkham

Goddammit, America.

Arby's Has a Secret Menu Item Called "The Meat Mountain"

It is everything you'd hope/fear it would be.


27 Aug 14:00

Science Headlines I Would Like To See More Of

by Mallory Ortberg

800px-Lake_LureThe Oceans Are Fine And Full Mostly Of Fish And Water, With A Very Small, Normal Amount Of Plastic In Them

Still Plenty Of Places For Us To Put Our Garbage Before We Have To Start Worrying About Anything

There Are Over 1300 Species Of Birds In Danger Of BIRTHDAY PARTIES

Pretty Much All Trees Are Doing Fine And Also There Are No New Diseases For You To Worry About

People Just Don’t Seem To Be Getting Alzheimer’s Any More

You’re Getting Plenty Of Sleep; Don’t Worry About It

Increased Sausage McMuffin Consumption Linked To Gracefulness, “Swan-like” Necks In 27-Year-Old Bloggers

Temperatures Normal For This Time Of Year

Yosemite Fire Goes Out All By Itself

Some Good News About Whales

Everything In The Rainforest Is Normal And Great

Sitting’s Honestly Not That Bad

We’re So Far Away From Any Kind Of Tipping Point That It Would Be Ridiculous To Worry

Southern California Faces Another Week Of Moderate, Seasonally Appropriate Rain

Swansea University fit backpacks to learn sheep secrets

Shocking Pictures Demonstrate How Consistently Level California’s Water Reserves Are

Not Eating A Burger Right Now Linked To Depression, Is Easily Cured By Eating A Burger Right Now

Scientists Find Evidence Of Life On Europa, The Good Kind, That’s Conscious And Mobile And Friendly, Not An Outline Of What Might Have Once Been Bacteria

Mosquitos? Never Heard Of ‘Em

Read more Science Headlines I Would Like To See More Of at The Toast.

25 Aug 17:46

Looking At the Internet

by Reza


25 Aug 15:40

Roy Halladay Won’t Be Tweeting About Butt Plugs Again Anytime Soon

by isaacand
Krankota The replies. The simplicity of 'ROY WHAT' is still killing me.

Jennifer Lawrence butt plugs


A guy can’t even tweet about butt plugs anymore without people getting their panties in a bunch. Shame on you world. Former MLB pitcher Roy Halladay made a casual comment on Twitter about a boat taking on water.

I recomend putting in a butt plug beforez putting the boat in the water but im no expert!

— Roy Halladay (@RoyHalladay) August 24, 2014

In truth, I didn’t know the term “butt plug” could be used like that. I thought it was called a boat plug or drain plug but whatever I’m not boat savvy. I’m #TeamDryLand after all. Anyway, the butt plug stuff got scooped up by the Twitter world because heh, butt plug.

I should know twitter people my not be up to snuff on boat terms. At times I feel Im talking to Beavis & Butthead "uh he said butt plug uh!"

— Roy Halladay (@RoyHalladay) August 24, 2014

Listen, I laughed at butt plugs. I laughed pretty damn hard. I’m also a 12-year-old masquerading as a 30-some blogger, ok? Stop judging me Roy.


Filed under: Media, Sports Tagged: butt plugs, ROY HALLADAY, Roy Hallady butt plugs
25 Aug 14:21

Brittney Griner Throws Down A Nice Breakaway Dunk

by Tom Ley

Brittney Griner slammed home the first dunk in the history of the WNBA playoffs during last night's rout of the L.A. Sparks.


25 Aug 13:20

Bill Hader’s Day Off

by Amos Barshad

“I moved here the day this place opened,” Bill Hader says as he walks into the film haven Cinefile Video in West L.A. “I didn’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t have a job. So I just kind of hung out, trying to talk to the movie nerds.”

Fresh off the set of his first romantic leading role, in Judd Apatow’s Amy Schumer vehicle Trainwreck, and with the wide release of his dramatic Sundance smash The Skeleton Twins around the corner, Hader is quietly enjoying a bubbling post-SNL existence. But he can still effortlessly evoke the petrified peon he once was. “I’d be at the counter like, ‘Hey, uh, you guys gonna hang out and watch Eraserhead at the Nuart tonight? I am.’ And I’d be saying that as I’m wearing an Eraserhead T-shirt?”

After a comfortable, quiet childhood in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and a misguided few years at a community college in Scottsdale, Arizona, a 20-year-old Hader moved to L.A. with dreams of making movies — dreams he was too shy to share. “I never said ‘I want to be a filmmaker’ out loud,” he says, while re-browsing the aisles with great focus and plucking out gems for careful perusal: the bloody The Phenix City Story; Ken Russell’s infamous The Devils; the obscure Deadhead Miles, a trucker movie starring Alan Arkin and written by Terrence Malick. “Because I’d never made anything.”

As a kid, he first became aware that “director” was a job because of John Landis. “My dad showed me Animal House, and then I saw his name on Trading Places. ‘Oh, the same guy did that … ’” When he was a bit older, Hader became consumed by Stanley Kubrick, in part because he’d never seen a photo of the legendary filmmaker. “I would daydream: What does he look like? And I remember watching the making of The Shining, and my stomach was in knots: I was finally gonna see him.”

Click here for all of our Saturday Night Live at 40 content and to vote for the best SNL cast member ever.

Oklahoma wasn’t exactly a hotbed of cinematic culture, and brief journeys elsewhere proved unfruitful as well. “When I was 17, literally within the first hour I was ever in New York City — my dad was there for business — I walked into a video store,” Hader recalls. “And this guy goes, ‘Hey, Stretch, you gonna rent anything?’ And I said, ‘No?’ And he went” — and here Hader drops into a perfect caricature of a New Yawk accent — “‘Then get the fuck outta my stoaah!’” In the back pages of The Hollywood Reporter (it was 1999!), he found work as a PA. He was lonely and underemployed in L.A., but finally blessed with the free time and the wherewithal to indulge his movie obsessions: ’40s musicals, ’50s noir, Robert Altman, Jean Vigo, Jean-Pierre Melville.

“Back then, you’d get a free episode of Mr. Show when you rented [a video],” he says. “So I’d go up with Le Samourai or Bob le Flambeur or something, all these orange VHS boxes, and I’d go home to my tiny little apartment and watch those two movies, and watch Mr. Show. And then I’d usually come back the same day.”

Years passed, and Hader climbed the PA ranks, quietly imagining this would lead to an assistant director gig and some kind of creative fulfillment. Then one night, while in California’s Mystery Mesa, shooting the Rock vehicle The Scorpion King, Hader reached a breaking point. “I’d been up for like 20 hours,” he says. “I couldn’t find the hotel. And I was so bleary-eyed and tired, and I just pulled my car over and I sat there for a while, and I thought, Why am I doing this? And that was it. I finished that movie a week later, and I never PA-ed again.”40

To pay the bills, he got a job as an assistant editor at a postproduction house;41 to feel not-dead inside, he joined his buddies in comedy classes at Second City L.A., where small rewards came almost immediately. “I move out here, and next thing I know I’m 25,” he says, “and the only thing I’ve heard is, ‘Can you get a coffee, can you hurry up with the thing, blah blah blah.’ It was nice doing something and hearing someone go, ‘Hey, you’re good at this.’” But he was still watching a lot of movies, he makes sure to point out, running through more selections: “Merry Widow. It’s insane, so good. One of the best comedies ever. Eyes Wide Shut. It’s hilarious. A whole movie about Tom Cruise trying to go out and fuck somebody and he can’t get laid.”

Eventually he started a sketch group, Animals From the Future, with three other dudes; they did backyard shows in Van Nuys. It was a small and simple joy. And, in a move that’ll make you believe in the inevitable correctness of the universe, that was enough to get him his big break. One of the dudes in his group was Matt Offerman, Nick Offerman’s younger brother. Nick came to one show with his wife, Mullally. And Megan Mullally, ever the oracle, told Lorne Michaels about Hader. Soon, Hader got an SNL audition.

Hader’s professional experience at that point was basically nonexistent, though he had played a driver on a particularly mindlessly cruel segment of Punk’d (starring poor Bizarre), but, perhaps for the best, hadn’t actually gotten to say anything. Battling nerves before the audition, he set up a meeting with his now-manager, Naomi Odenkirk,42 whom he knew through a friend.

“She was like, ‘What are your characters?’ I said, ‘I don’t really have characters?’ She was like, ‘What are your impressions?’ I said, ‘I don’t really do impressions?’ And she was like, ‘Well, do you do anything? A voice? Anything?’ I was like, ‘I can do this Italian guy?’” Hader had recently been to Mann’s Chinese Theatre to see A.I., and he had overheard a lecherous older Italian gentleman hitting on pretty young girls by offering to acquire them gelato. Sitting with Odenkirk, he mimicked the man. “She said, ‘That’s good! That’s a start! You can do voices!’” That voice would become the befuddling talk show host Vinny Vedecci, Hader’s first recurring SNL character.43

Saturday Night Live

Hader has said he never truly felt comfortable throughout his first four seasons on the show. “The way I looked at it was, ‘Suddenly, you got SNL. And now, you got something to lose.’” Laser-focused on “How do I stay here?” he worked on filling a utility-man role, like his hero Phil Hartman. “It was like the A-Team: ‘OK, I’m the impressions guy.’ And I’d do someone at the table read, even if I had a bad idea, just so the writers could go, ‘OK, we don’t like that sketch, but we know he can do that guy …’”

Hader has never been a good sleeper and six years on SNL only exacerbated his troubles. “It would take almost a month [after a season] to fully come down and feel like a human being again. I’d wake up in the middle of the night — ‘What do you need?’”

During one Christmas episode — at the end of the first half of the season, when the cast and crew are typically beaten-down and ready for a break — he had a full-on panic attack while performing as Julian Assange. “It felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe, I started sweating. I thought, This is not good — abort! abort! I remember getting my makeup taken off and saying, ‘I don’t know what’s going on out there. I don’t know what just happened.’”

It wasn’t until the after-party of a Seth Rogen–hosted episode in 2009 when he felt fully at ease. That was the night Michaels pulled Hader aside and told him, “You can work here as long as you want.”

“I was so rigid,” Hader says now. “It’d be a sketch where I’d be, like, a customer at a Jamba Juice, and I’d run my line over and over again, all the different permutations of how I could say it. That was his way of saying, ‘Relax.’”

“Bill is super neurotic,” Andy Samberg  says now. “That makes him so lovable. For someone so talented, he has to have that level of neurosis — it’s the only way you’re gonna love him so much!”


Hader came up in the same SNL class as future stars Samberg and Kristen Wiig; it was, we know now, the dawn of a new era. On a recent episode of Marc Maron’s WTF podcast, Mike Myers recalled Michaels telling him, “It’s the court of the Borgias. If someone offers you a drink, check their hand to see if they have a poisoned ring.” But by 2006, the treachery and narcotics that had fueled the show to greatness in decades past had been quietly swapped in favor of squad-first civility. And Hader was the Prince of the Nice Guys.

On his first sketch ever, he played a TV psychiatrist flippant about the possible death of hundreds in an imminent plane crash. (He recalls: “Darrell Hammond was playing the news anchor, asking me, ‘So do people want to know when they’re going to die?’ And I’m like, ‘Oh, no no no no, they don’t wanna know.’”) That same night, he had a memorable impression-off with new pal Samberg, and did a wonderfully doddering Al Pacino, in mid-Katrina relief efforts, swinging a hammer with no apparent awareness of its intended usage. It was a good first night out, but more so, it was telling.

“The first episode, when he did Pacino,” Samberg says now, “the crowd went fucking bananas. I knew, This dude’s gonna destroy.

Samberg had the grace and looseness of a guy who’d lost his virginity at summer camp at 14 to a counselor. Wiig was an odd bird, but a naturally manic star. Hader’s secret was his blankness. In person, wearing jeans, flip-flops, and an untucked dress shirt, he’s aggressively casual; his tall frame slumps and his speech drawls. But in the middle of an anecdote he will transform, seamlessly slipping into an impression — like, say, a perfect raspy rendition of Christian Bale’s Batman, mucking his way through a justification of the ending of The Dark Knight. And when he does, the trademark Bulging Bill Hader Eyes will come out.

The template for his SNL Hall of Famer career was laid down that first night. From his neutral state, he could go to extremes: sports anchor Greg the Alien; talk show host Jame Gumb; James Carville, king of the snakes. Which is not to say he shouldn’t have been operating under fear and powered by anxiety: It might not have been therapist-approved, but it certainly worked.

Hader yanks out a copy of It’s Always Fair Weather, Gene Kelly’s follow-up to Singin’ in the Rain. “People did not like it when it came out,” he says. “But it’s really wonderful. At SNL that would happen all the time. We’d think something was the funniest thing ever, and the audience would just be like — NO.”

Like what?

“John Mulaney and I wrote this thing once. It was Casey Kasem talking to his estranged son. Dana Carvey was Kasem, and I was coming back in the middle of the night to ask for forgiveness. It was a really tense scene, but we were talking like Casey Kasem the whole time. I was always asking, ‘When are you gonna get a job, when are you gonna get out of the house — and what recording artist had more no. 1 hits than anyone in history … that’s Mariah Carey, with 17.’ We thought it was the funniest fucking thing we’d ever written. And it went up at dress and it bombed like nothing has bombed. I could feel it on my face, like, ‘Are you joking?’ This is what I get for going into something with full confidence.”

And so believe him when he says that when he and Mulaney first collaborated on Hader’s breakout character, Stefon, they never foresaw the legend blooming. They tried it first in a sketch with Ben Affleck, which aired to little fanfare. They tried it in another sketch with Bradley Cooper, where it went to dress and didn’t play well. Writer Doug Abeles, who was working on “Weekend Update” at the time, suggested they try it one more time there.

“I remember it was the Gabourey Sidibe show, and it was the last ‘Update’ feature of the dress, which means they didn’t have a lot of confidence in it,” Hader says. “And then at dress, it played! And then I ended up closing out ‘Update,’ and that was crazy. And the next week was the final show of the season, and Lorne was like, ‘I want another Stefon.’ And I remember going out and getting a recognition applause? And then seeing past the cue cards, and Andy’s hitting John’s shoulder like, ‘Dude, you got yourself a fucking recurring character!’”

He may always sweat it out, but deep down Hader knows he’s always been good. “I remember telling my dad as a kid, after a particularly bad basketball game,” he says, “‘The only things I’m good at are being funny, and knowing a lot about movies.’ And nothing’s really changed.”


Hader has never been one to watch himself onscreen, which is becoming more awkward. “I couldn’t sit through the Sundance screening of The Skeleton Twins, and apparently it went unbelievably well,” he says. “And afterwards they’re like, ‘Hey, how about that reaction, huh?’ ‘Oh I wasn’t there!’ ‘Why?’ ‘’Cause I’m scared!’” But it’s not pessimism, not quite. It’s just a typically modest notion: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Hader has a holding deal with HBO — basically a green light to pitch a show, although he’s in no hurry to make that happen. Those early auteur dreams are still kicking around, too, but he’s in no rush there, either. Maybe, if the HBO thing happens, he says, he’ll direct an episode or two and see where that’ll take him. There is, for now, not too much to prove. “I’m from Oklahoma,” he says. “The fact that I live in L.A. is newsworthy there.”

But there is more, of course. Since 2007, his second season on SNL, Hader has strung together a progressively more impressive selection of bit movie parts, moving from a blip of dying Jabba the Hutt in Knocked Up to the heartbroken cop of Superbad44 to the mustachioed, repressed theme park boss of Adventureland. They’re the “‘insane authority figure’ kind of guys,” he says of his characters — “the weird, tall, creepy-looking guys.” With The Skeleton Twins, he takes a leap forward as Milo, a failed, suicidal actor still in love with his own (male) Mary Kay Letourneau. Hader turns in a pissy, winningly bitter performance. He wasn’t after anything like this. But he may have a broader range than anyone, even he, expected.

We take a couple of more laps around Cinefile, Hader fully engrossed in the treasures contained therein. “Thieves Like Us, this is bonkers. Woman Under the Influence, it’s unbelievable — just seeing this thing spiral out of control. 8 Million Ways to Die — there’s this scene … it’s supposed to be, like, a tough scene, but Jeff Bridges is just eating a snow cone the whole time?”

Then we step outside, where the sun is dazedly bright. “It really is bizarre, just walking back into that store,” he says. “Sometimes you feel like, ‘Is this for real?’ Right where we’re at, [I can remember] I’m 20, 21 years old, bumming around this street, kind of back over to that doughnut shop, walking around, not knowing many people, just, like, trying to fill time. And being like, ‘Did I make a mistake?’ There’s a pit in your stomach, and you’re trying to stave it off, trying to distract yourself from it: ‘Did I make a mistake?’ And coming back here, it’s — look at this!

“Right now, it worked out. Right now, it’s working out.”

Illustration by Linsey Fields

25 Aug 04:00

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


I love this so much.

My upcoming album, 'Linked List', has covers of 'The Purple People Eater', the Ninja Turtles theme, 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini', and the Power Rangers theme, with every song played to the tune of the next.
18 Aug 18:45

Glasshole Wants You To Wear A Computer On Your Face While You Cook

by Albert Burneko


Glasshole Wants You To Wear A Computer On Your Face While You Cook

National Geographic magazine, a mail-order Caring About Things merit badge for baby boomers, has been running a "Future of Food" series on the Plate, its food blog, for the past few months. This month's entry was written by Mary Beth Albright, an attorney, food writer, and former contestant on Food Network Star's seventh season, and it's ... hhhehhhhh ... it's something.


22 Aug 15:30

Your End-of-August Cocktail Is A Lemon Rosemary Vodka Fizz

by Michelle Dean on Domesticity, shared by Albert Burneko to Foodspin

Your End-of-August Cocktail Is A Lemon Rosemary Vodka Fizz

It's August. If you are reading this it is because you are stuck at work while your friends are off at their "lake houses" and "beach trips." The news, domestic and international, is awful. You need to relax. You need a cool beverage to relax. Allow me to suggest that the optimal beverage is a lemon rosemary vodka fizz.


22 Aug 03:45

The U.S. Copyright Office Has Ruled That Photos Taken By Animals Cannot Be Copyrighted

by Andrew Roberts


There’s is now a definite ruling on the copyright status of the monkey selfie you see pictured above. In a copyright dispute that stretches all the way back to 2011, Wikimedia has been proven correct in their belief that the photo isn’t bound by copyright law because it was taken by the monkey and monkeys have no copyright claim.

The U.S. Copyright office settled the debate between British photographer David Slater and Wikimedia by updating their rules to reflect any photos taken by animals in addition to a few other interesting things. From Mashable:

“The Office will not register works produced by nature, animals or plants,” the federal office, which operates under the Library of Congress, wrote in a recent update to its regulations. “Likewise, the office cannot register a work purportedly created by divine or supernatural beings, although the office may register a work where the application or the deposit copy(ies) state that the work was inspired by a divine spirit.”

You can read the whole thing in PDF form here, but the money is in that quote. All those dog paintings and pieces of toast with Jesus on them are copyright free. It is a joyous decision that wasn’t a waste of time at all.

Still that only covers the United States. Slater’s equipment was still used to take the photo during his trip to Indonesia back in 2011 and other countries might see it differently. Until then though, The black macaque from the photo stole the equipment and got away with it. It’s no wonder it is smiling.

(Via Mashable / Telegraph / Newsweek / NPR)

Filed under: News, Web Culture Tagged: Animals, COPYRIGHT, Copyright Battles, MONKEYS, photography, SELFIES
22 Aug 12:30

Josh Brolin Filled His Reddit AMA With The Goonies And Thrashin’ News We Needed

by ludditeandroid

Josh Brolin is neat.

Image (10) Josh-Brolin-Goonies.jpg for post 332083

Amblin Entertainment

Josh Brolin stopped by Reddit yesterday for an Ask Me Anything. The purpose of the visit was ostensibly to promote Sin City: A Dame To Kill For, but Brolin — unlike Woody Harrelson — brushed off the promotion and instead talked about The Goonies, surfing, Thrashin’, leopard print thongs, what George W. Bush thought about W, and a few other longer anecdotes about hanging with Tarantino and ripping the seam of his pants in front of Russell Crowe.

We’ve collected some of our favorite answers and things we learned from the full thread.

Let’s get the Goonies references out of the way:

GrandMasterT: Is there a possibility of a sequel to The Goonies?
Josh_Brolin: We just wrapped!
axcairns: Please don’t tease us like that!
Josh_Brolin: There’s always a possibility. Seriously, no teasing. About every 5 years it comes up. I’ve never read a script. It seems that recently in the last year, there’s been more talk of it than usual from the likes of Corey Feldman and Richard Donner. But that’s as far as it’s gone for me. I don’t know how I feel about a sequel, given that I love the original movie so much.

GrandMasterT: The Goonies is the all time best adventure kid’s movie for my generation. Do you have a funny or interesting story from making that movie?
Josh_Brolin: They didn’t show us the – actually, I do! They didn’t show us the ship that was being built, which would now be CGI I’m sure, so this was long enough ago that everything was practical (which made things much more fun & fantastical) – so it was on a stage, the stage was a massive pool with a practical 110 foot boat built in it. And they backed us up into the stage, into the water, had the camera set up so that we could have an “organic” reaction, put us underwater, I came up out of the water, turned around, we all came up out of the water, I turned around and said “Holy sh*t!” which ruined the whole take. And the surprise. So we had to resort to acting in the end.
trios13: Did you guys giggle everytime someone said “one eye Willy”? I never realized it was a euphemism until I went back and watched it in my teens! I’ve heard this story before…Why would “holy sh*t” ruin the take? Sh*t was said at other times in the movie.
Josh_Brolin: My first day at work, half the day was ruined because I giggled so much. My dad didn’t often bring me to the set, being an actor himself, so my infancy as an actor was wracked with a lot of giggles and nervousness.

8_Wolf: Hi Josh! Thanks for this AMA! Two questions: A. Being The Goonies your first movie, does it have a special place in your heart? If yes, more because of being the first or for the “adventure type of film and success it had? B. When you made MIBIII, how many times you cracked up in laughter portraying a young Agent K that had to be serious but not too serious, working with Will Smith?
Josh_Brolin: I’ve never had more fun on a movie than I did on The Goonies. I thought that was how it was going to be for the rest of my career. And even though there have been massive fluctuations in the past 30 years, I still hold that as my greatest experience.
Watch the gag reel for MIBIII on YouTube. Very hard to keep a straight face the entire film.

But let us never forget that other ’80s classic, Thrashin’.

judomonkeykyle: How much training did you have to do for Thrashin’? Did you already know how to skateboard?
Josh_Brolin: I did. On the audition, part of the audition process was me having to skateboard outside while they watched me from across the street, second floor window. I hit a pebble, my skateboard went out into the street, and an 18 wheeler ran over it. The only reason I got the part was because the Goonies poster was up at the time. But yes I got the part.

LouisArmstrong3: HEY JOSH! when will you be making Thrashin’ 2?
Josh_Brolin: Right after Goonies 2. Back to back.

Steven Spielberg is not having that Stanislawski bullsh*t.

I_am_solipsism: What’s your craziest on-set story?
Josh_Brolin: My craziest on-set story comes from during the Goonies, when I came up to Spielberg and said that I wanted to climb the walls of the tunnels and that it represented my mother’s womb, for some odd reason. I was reading Stanislawski at the time and Spielberg’s response was “Why don’t you just act.”

Bill Clinton loans DVDs to George W. Bush.

GrandMasterT: What did George W think of your impersonation of him?
Josh_Brolin: Oliver Stone saw Clinton at a art exhibit in China, where Oliver was selling some of his art. They started talking about W, Clinton (who’s very close friends with W) loaned him his DVD, Oliver found out, and when Oliver asked Clinton how W liked it, his response was “Funny, but kind of sad.”

Josh Brolin’s video game tastes run old school.

dynamoJaff: Would you consider playing Joel in the adaptation of The Last of Us? I think you would be perfect casting!
Josh_Brolin: Thank you very much. I’m stuck on Robotron and Asteroids and Galaga. But that sounds interesting…



Not all of the questions were serious.

lmanders32: Tell me which is grittier: Tommy Lee Jones’ glare, or a literal bucket of grits?
Josh_Brolin: Glare. Hands down.

SullivansTravels: When are you going to record a cover of Chamillionaire’s Ridin’? They see me Brolin, they hatin…
Josh_Brolin: It’s been a joke my kids’ entire lives. Should we set it up now?

baltikorean: When will you start hosting the web series “Trollin’ with Josh Brolin,” in which you scour internet articles and post outrageous comments in message boards?
Josh_Brolin: I LOVE THAT IDEA! RIGHT NOW! Better than my old buddies’ idea of “Brawlin’ with Brolin”

Merrizon: what super power would you have?
Josh_Brolin: Always loved X-ray vision. I bought those glasses. I spent most of my allowance on those f*cking glasses that never worked.

bozobozo: What is your favorite dinosaur?
Josh_Brolin: Dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Rex, because we have the same length arms.

Ladylovelybones: Any tips on how to be as awesome as Josh Brolin?
Josh_Brolin: Leopardskin thong.
Ladylovelybones: Noted.

richardwrinkle: To prepare for your role as a young Tommy Lee Jones in MIBIII how many hours a day did you practice making your face extra weathered and wrinkly?
Josh_Brolin: I have been practicing my whole life.

jasonml: Since you’re like, Thanos now, can you beat the bullies in my school up? Please?
Josh_Brolin: I was severely bullied as a kid. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. The misfits always win.

Brolin and RDJ

Getty Image

Filed under: GammaSquad, Web Culture Tagged: AMA, ASK ME ANYTHING, josh brolin, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, REDDIT, REDDIT AMA, sin city 2, SIN CITY: A DAME TO KILL FOR, thanos, THE GOONIES, The Last of Us, THRASHIN'
22 Aug 16:22

New Roommate

by Reza


21 Aug 14:45

Kid With Popcorn-Bucket Hat Gets Smoked By Foul Ball, Falls Onto Field

by Tom Ley

I'm ashamed at how funny I found this.

Your browser does not support iframes.

This really couldn't have gone worse for the young fan wearing a popcorn tub as a hat.


21 Aug 13:37

What Black Parents Tell Their Sons About the Police

by Jazmine Hughes

This is profoundly sad.

What Black Parents Tell Their Sons About the Police

A Tumblr quote floated over to me about around the time of Trayvon Martin's murder, from a Jonathan Lethem book that I've never read (The Fortress of Solitude). At this point, I don't really need to read it, because it's already asked me the most important question I've heard in a long time: "At what age is a black boy when he learns he's scary?"


21 Aug 14:00

Girls Who Don’t Code: A Riot Grrrl Manifesto

by Mallory Ortberg

This is kind of hilarious

13901166155_a444acdae6_z HEY GRRLS




























Read more Girls Who Don’t Code: A Riot Grrrl Manifesto at The Toast.

20 Aug 15:24

First Three Episodes Of Frankenstein, M.D. Are Now Online - Walk this way, please.

by Victoria McNally

So great

Pemberley Digital’s latest modern web series has finally arrived! It’s the team’s first deviation from Jane Austen-inspired adaptations and into classic horror with Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, and so far it’s pretty solid. Newcomer Anna Lore hits just the right balance of overenthusiastic scientific interest and total disregard for her own limits in her portrayal of Victoria Frankenstein, and there’s even a great nod to Igor from the movies!

Future episodes will go up on the PBS Digital Studios YouTube channel, and you can find additional material on the official site. Keep an eye out for how Victoria (I am never going to get over that, by the way) talks about her mom in the second episode. Mary Shelley would be so proud.

(via The Daily Dot)

Previously in Pemberley Digital

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