A reader writes:
I just started working for an all-remote company who announced an in-person retreat not long after I was hired. (And after I specifically asked during the hiring process if any travel was required and was assured it was not, but anyway…) I am disabled (albeit not visibly), so travel is a struggle but usually doable, and the vibes I got from leadership were “you better have a really good reason for not attending.” I was still early in my probation period, wanted to make a good impression, so I sucked it up and agreed to attend.
The retreat is coming up, and leadership has been infuriatingly coy about details, but the more they share, the more I realize this is going to be a nightmare and I physically cannot do most if any of the “fun” team-building activities. In another situation, I would pull out at this point, but my plane ticket was nonrefundable and my reputation is still on the line. I am anxious, frustrated, and just generally upset about the whole thing.
I’m meeting with my manager this week to basically disclose my disability and explain I will be sitting a lot of stuff out.
Any advice you could provide, about this conversation with my manager, how to survive the trip, how to handle questions about why I am not participating, how to professionally communicate to leadership that accessibility extends far beyond just booking accessible hotel rooms, anything would be so helpful.
This sucks, I’m sorry.
I would start with this: “As more info has been shared about activities at the retreat, I’m realizing I won’t be able to participate in most of it, and possibly none of it, because of a disability. Having to field lots of questions about why I’m not able to participate obviously isn’t a comfortable situation to be in. Would it make sense for me to skip this one and attend in the future if they’re more accessible?”
Or if you’d prefer to attend at this point, despite the situation they’ve created: “As more info has been shared about activities at the retreat, I’m realizing I won’t be able to participate in most of it, and possibly none of it, because of a disability. Can we talk about what the logistics will be since I won’t be able to do X, Y, and Z?” They may be caught off-guard and not have a good answer on the spot, so if there’s a way you’d prefer to handle it, offer that up (like “I’d be happy to attend the potato sack race and cheer from the sidelines, but for the afternoon of zip-lining, I think it would make sense for me to stay back at the hotel” or whatever you’d ideally want to do).
If you go and get questions from coworkers about why you’re not participating, it depends on how much you’re comfortable sharing. Anything like the following would work:
* “Bad back, can’t!”
* “Medical stuff, I hope you have fun though!”
* “My doctor would kill me.”
* “Medical restrictions, but it looks fun!”
If you’re breezy and matter-of-fact about it, most other people will be too. But if you encounter anyone who’s determined to “fix” the problem and find a way for you to participate (which can be well-intentioned or can just be someone who’s a busybody), you can shut that down: “Oh, I appreciate it, but this is the safest option for me so no thank you.” … “I don’t want to get into medical stuff at work, but there isn’t actually a way to make it safe for me. Go have fun, I’m fine!” … and if necessary: “Truly, no.”
I’d also recommend talking with HR to explain the situation and ask that they ensure accessibility is given more consideration in the future. It sounds like this possibility wasn’t on anyone’s radar at all, and it needs to be. Sometimes that happens when a company has never done a retreat before, or with a new and growing company that is brand new to having to consider the diverse health needs of a workforce. If they’re large and have been around a long time and have done in-person retreats before, this is a lot more startling. But either way, they need to get it on their radar now, and I’m sorry you have to be the messenger.
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