firehose

The early ’90s were spoiled for choice when it came to comic book adaptations. Not only was Batman: The Animated Series on the air, but X-Men led Marvel’s push to get on the small screen, diving right into the often convoluted continuity of everyone’s favorite mutants, luring in a generation of fans, and paving the way for cartoons to follow. That’s why we’ve set out to review every single episode of the ’90s X-Men animated series.

This week, we dive into Jubilee’s Erotic Friend Fiction, and everything is different and none of it makes sense.

Previously, on X-Men:

In our last episode, Storm almost got married to a genocidal space-slaver, which just about gets her onto the list of the five worst relationships in X-Men history. The slaver in question is Arkon of the planet Polemachus, and fortunately for Storm, the rest of the X-Men went out and started a rebellion while she was preparing for her wedding, eventually leaving the planet completely destabilized, with a group of unarmed and untrained former slaves facing off against a vengeful demigod with access to an entire fleet of spaceships in a fight for their freedom and lives. Our Heroes!

All that romance in the air led to a discussion of just which X-Man has the worst love interest, and the Commenteers offered up a few suggestions of love gone terribly, terribly wrong:

That time Angel sexed up Husk in front of her parents while doing lazy circles in the sky was pretty uncouth. — Adam Bacon

Nightcrawler dating his sister will never not gross me out. — Elizabeth Stege

Can I just say “all of them” and be done with it? Collectively, the X-Men have been with vampires, racists, terrorist leaders, clones of terrorist leaders, mass murderers, space dictators, extra evil space dictators, an avatar of death, secret sentinels, demon queens, furries, and Longshot. — Brandon ‘Zak’ Zachary

Incidentally, anyone mentioning the events of NYX can see themselves out.

Oh brother, this is the one I’ve been warned about since we started. Our episode today is “Jubilee’s Fairytale Theater” from writer Brooks Watchell and producers Frank Squillace and Tom McLaughlin, and cousin, this thing is off the rails before it even gets started. If you’re a regular reader of the column, you may remember that a few weeks ago, there was an episode that inexplicably swapped out the title sequence that’s been part of the show for five seasons and replaced it with one that added in clips from episodes and topped it off with a remixed theme song with more squealing guitars before going right back to the original. Well, it’s back, and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Everything is different in this episode. The character designs, the animation style, even some of the voices have been changed, and considering how this thing starts, there was a second there where I thought they may have gone ahead and changed the entire premise of the show. Why?

Because we open in the caverns beneath the X-Mansion, where Jubilee is leading a bunch of unnamed children on a field trip.

This raises a very important question, but as Jubilee explains in a flashback, she’s chaperoning this tiny band of non-mutant youngsters because Professor X promised them they could go on a field trip, but on the day they arrive, he and the rest of the X-Men have been summoned to go talk to the president. Thus, he, Wolverine, and Gambit hop on the blackbird to Washington. Wait a second, that’s not Gambit! THAT’S A FAKE GAMBIT!

Jubilee may have gotten a redesign that makes her look exactly like what would’ve happened if Bret “The Hitman” Hart had become one of the Planeteers, but Gambit is sporting a new design and a new voice, and you know what sounds even sketchier than Gambit? Someone doing a breathy impression of Gambit.

Point being, Jubilee has been stuck with the kids, and if you were hoping that this show would answer the question of just who the hell these children are, where they came from, why they are not accompanied by a teacher and why they have no idea what the Xavier School actually is, I’m afraid we’re both out of luck. Incidentally, when they actually ask about the Xavier School, Jubilee tells them that it’s “kind of experimental,” which I guess is as accurate a description as you’re likely to find of Professor X’s paramilitary strike force training camp.

Needless to say, Jubilee and the kids get trapped in the caves when one of New York’s many earthquakes starts up and collapses the tunnel, and since no one else was around when they sent a bunch of children into a long cave system, they end up trapped. Fortunately, Jubilee has her “satcom 3000 digital beeper” to call for help, but in the meantime, she needs to tell the kids a story to keep them from panicking.

And this is where things get BANANAS.

In true Tina Blecher fashion, Jubilee starts telling all the kids about a long-ago kingdom ruled over by “a handsome prince, and his true love, the princess Jean,” (oh buhruther) who are unfortunately menaced by the evil sorceror Magnus, Master of Metal.

You can see where this is going.

Magnus and his men, who look suspiciously like Onslaught…

…are stalking through the forest looking for the MacTaggert Crystal, when they run across Gambit, whose Cajun accent has officially gone out of control. He’s leading the “rebell-YON” against Magnus, claiming it will be a “night-MARE” if the peasantry doesn’t aid him. Magnus’s robot knights soundly thrash him, something I think we can all sympathize with, when he’s suddenly rescued by a mysterious outlaw, someone who battles so fiercely against Magnus that he spreads rumors that she doesn’t even exist, but is merely a legend told by the citizens to give each other hope.

No prizes for guessing who it is.

Because of course Jubilee stars in her own erotic friend-fiction. And of course she’s an elf. All she needs is two scimitars to complete the look.

Jubilee battles Magnus’s metal soldiers, who she refers to as “clankers” (racist), handily defeating them and rescuing Gambit. The lead soldier tries to get away, but he’s stopped by Jubilee’s “right-hand troll,” Logan, whose nipples are way too prominent for this show to have gotten past BS&P intact:

Having successfully saved the day, Jubilee is immediately set upon by Gambit, who tells her “Ah, fair one, I could show you so MANY tings,” before Logan interrupts him. Somehow, Gambit is even more of a creep in Jubilee’s friendfic than he is in the regular show.

Gambit claims to know where the MacTaggert Crystal is, and leads Jubilee and Logan through the woods to find it. Along the way, he tells them how Magnus hired him to use his t’ievin’ skills to find the Crystal, but he ended up giving him a fake and keeping the genuine article for himself, stashing it in The Cavern Of The Lost, a dungeon suitable for four 5th-level characters.

Once inside, they just walk to the crystal and retrieve it, only to be met by Sabretooth — who, if you’ll remember, was the source of the problems the last time they left Jubilee alone — and a couple of the metal soldiers. A fight scene ensues, but naturally, Fantasy Roleplaying Jubilee beats the living mess out of Sabretooth, palm-striking his nose, dropkicking him, and then punching him out with her bare knuckles, shortly before elbowdropping Voldemort and making out with the two guys from Supernatural. Or at least, that’s what I wish happened.

“Wish? Did somebody say… WISH?!”

It’s Jambi the Genie from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse!

Wait, no. Sorry, that’s “Xavier the All-Knowing,” a wizard who’s even more powerful than Magnus. He appears in the form of a floating head and informs Jubilee that she has a Very Special Destiny and that her innate goodness is the key to unlocking the power of the crystal, and it’s at this point that I have started actually critiquing a story written by a fictional teenager for being full of hack clichés. This is what my life has come to.

Gambit leads Jubilee and Logan to a secret passage to Magnus’s dungeons, and sure enough, they’re stopped by the metal soldiers, revealing that they’ve been led into Magnus’s trap.

Not pictured: His hilarious pointy Iron Sheik boots.

Since he obviously can’t break Jubilee’s spirit — since she’s so great and cool and awesome — Magnus threatens Logan, who informs Jubilee that “your light brightens my world, mistress,” and begs her not to use it for dark purposes. Alas, Jubilee gives in to save her friends, zapping the crystal with her fireworks and transferring their power to Magnus. But what’s this?! Jubilee continues pouring on the fireworks, which somehow overload Magnus’s own magnetic powers, causing him to be swarmed by every metal object that’s not bolted down:

There is no way the first draft of this strip didn’t include the line “Now that’s what I call getting screwed!” but, well, here we are.

Purely by coincidence, the climax of Jubilee’s story happens just as the X-Men arrive, with Cyclops blasting down the wall to free the kids, who promptly call Wolverine a troll. Before they leave, Jubilee wraps up the end of her story by telling them, I kid you not, “everyone was pretty happy,” and then the single best thing in the series happens when Fantasy Roleplaying Cyclops decides to reward Jubilee for her service to the kingdom by sending her to school where she can study very hard. Jubilee dips, the kids leave, The End.

Discussion Question: I’m not gonna lie, I hated this episode the first time I watched it, but going through it the second time, it really grew on me. Maybe it’s just for how weird it is, maybe it’s because “right-hand troll” is the best accidental burn that I’m going to add to my vocabulary, I don’t know. But what other cartoon episodes did you hate when you saw them that later grew on you?

The guardrails that line US highways are meant to protect drivers in the event of a crash, but many that have been installed over the past decade may also present a danger. The manufacturer of those guardrails, Trinity Highway Products, is heading to court this week facing allegations that it changed its guardrail design without informing the Federal Highway Administration and has been improperly accepting federal money ever since, according to The New York Times. Separate lawsuits reportedly allege that those changes have led to five deaths and many other injuries in at least 14 accidents across the US.

Federal agencies reportedly didn't know of the change for seven years

When the end terminal of a guardrail is hit, it's supposed to divert the rail away from the oncoming vehicle while also absorbing the crash's impact. But in some instances, the end of the guardrail fails to do this, instead allowing the rail to pierce the striking vehicle — and potentially anyone inside. This has allegedly started happening because of a seemingly minor cost-saving change by Trinity: shrinking the width of the guardrail's feeding channel from five inches to four. Though Trinity is said to have conducted and passed tests for this new design, it apparently did not alert or receive approval for the change when it was made back in 2005. Federal agencies were reportedly not made aware of it until 2012. The video above demonstrates use of the ET-2000 terminal, which is the predecessor to the altered model, the ET-Plus.

Trinity is now facing a false claims lawsuit saying that it improperly took federal funds for this new guardrail, which was not specifically approved. The suit was filed by Joshua Harman on behalf of the US government. The Times reports that Harman partially owns two companies that manufacture and install guardrails and was sued by Trinity for patent infringement back in 2011. Bloomberg reports that Harman could earn as much as a third of any judgement against Trinity, which has up to $1 billion at stake.

Despite the serious claims, it's unclear if Harman will be able to back them up. Trinity tells Bloomberg that the allegations are "false and misleading," and the Federal Highway Administration still allows states to receive federal reimbursement for them, having not found enough evidence that they're a problem. However, several states are opposed to the new rails. The Times reports that Missouri, Nevada, and Massachusetts have all banned further installation of these new guardrail terminals, expressing concerns over their safety. Tens of thousands of the terminals have reportedly been installed nationwide.

Trinity did not respond to a request for comment. This is the second time Harman's case has gone to trial. Bloomberg reports that the first case again Trinity was declared a mistrial in July.

Kickstarter, Neocolonialism, No Pineapple Left Behind, Subaltern Games.

By Adam Smith on October 13th, 2014 at 7:00 pm.

Roundabout is a very silly game about a limousine that is constantly rotating. No, that’s not quite right. Roundabout is a sweet and surreal love story about the driver of a limousine that is constantly rotating. Closer.

Whatever else it is, Roundabout is the greatest example of the importance of a remarkable theme and visual style that I’ve seen this year.

I knew I’d played something very like Roundabout as soon as I saw the first trailer but I only found time to play No Goblin’s driving simulator this weekend. The game I was thinking of was Kuru Kuru Kururin, in which a spinning stick must be maneuvred through a series of mazes. Roundabout is built on precisely the same principle. Object spins, locked to the centre of the screen, and you guide it through obstacles that are designed to allow passage but to make you rue the ceaseless rotation.

Beyond the basics, everything that Roundabout does feels almost entirely unlike anything else in gaming. The music is driven by slap bass and funky rhythms, the story is told through short live action cutscenes starring intentionally awkward costumed non-actors, and the bodycount is enormous but there isn’t a mean streak in sight. It’s a cohesive comedic package, which never me laugh but kept a very happy smile on my face throughout.

There’s a hint of Wes Anderson’s self-conscious artifice in the cutscenes, which repurpose stock footage for their best gags, but feel like the contents of an alternate reality’s cutting room floor throughout. If there’s a tightrope above the Zany Canyon, Roundabout is undoubtedly teetering across it but it’s far more in control of its passage than you’d expect given that it’s a game about a rotating limousine.

Let’s address that. The car spins, whether it’s moving or not. The game acknowledges that this is happening – it’s a major plot point and almost every character addresses the fact – but mostly to point out that it is an awesome thing for a limousine to do. It’s intentional, the spinning – driver Giorgio Manos arrives at Limo Training School and ploughs through every obstacle in her path, rotating all the while.

Her instructor is surprised but he gives her a pass. Most of her passengers are delighted, if a little confused at first, when they see the eyecatching means of motion. Later, an evil businessman sees the spinning limousine as such an ingenious innovation that he figures he’ll make millions if he steals the concept for his own uses. He’s part of a cast that includes a skeleton called Jeffrey, a moonlighting baseball coach and the two most unenthusiastic enthusiastic children in the world. ‘Yayyy’, they mutter, as if the icecream had fallen out of the cone right before filming began.

There’s plenty to do, although all of it revolves around revolving. Story missions lead you around the fairly small map and you’ll be able to drive through the lot in a couple of hours if you don’t get distracted by the minigames, high score chasing or unlockable upgrades, paint jobs and hats. Yes, the car can wear a hat. Remember – we’re above the Zany Canyon.

I found it impossible to proceed without trying to gain every available star in some of the early tasks. Perfecting the game would take a great deal of effort and repetition. Stars are awarded for finishing levels within a certain time limit, for collecting every available star, for building bonus multipliers, and for managing to take a passenger from A to B without exploding en route. There’s a lot of exploding in the game, as the limo can only take a limited amount of damage before the flames start to roar under the bonnet, but the punishment for fiery extinction is light. Explode during a mission and you’ll be taken back to a checkpoint, very close at hand, and if you happen to be roaming the open world when disaster strikes, you’ll respawn nearby.

There are modifiers in the game’s menu that allow for instadeath to be applied, meaning any slight mistake is fatal, or for Big Head or ‘non-violent’ mode to be activated among other things. The first has a real effect on the game, as do several others, but the cosmetic changes are simply that – cosmetic. I’m glad that non-violence is an option, as the squirts of blood, garish and cartoonish though they are, didn’t seem right in Giorgio’s weird world. At one point she goes on a date, driving through a mall and obliterating everyone and everything in her way, and I felt much better about the prospects of continued romance when I didn’t have to imagine the body parts clinging to the windscreen wipers.

The layouts of the roads and parks, which form the levels and puzzles of the game as it were, are probably less diverse and fiendish than Kuru Kuru Kururin’s maps. I couldn’t say for sure and the less abstract form of Roundabout obscures some of the design, making a direct comparison tricky. There’s plenty of satisfaction in mastering the limo’s timing though, as well as the various power-ups that are unlocked throughout, and performing a perfect run is a source of glee.

But it’s everything that happens around the puzzles that makes Roundabout such a delightful thing. It doesn’t even feel like a puzzle game because the open world and narrative structure disguise the fact so well. The performances and the visuals are like an act of legerdemain, designed to fool people like me into enjoying a game that they would have dismissed if it had simply been a construction of lines and shapes. A minimalist design might have made sections easier, or allowed developers No Goblin to create terrifyingly complex suburbs to navigate, but Roundabout is a game about a lady called Giorgio who drives a limousine that is constantly rotating.

It’s a very silly game indeed but there’s a sweetness at its centre that would put even the finest fondant to shame. Through all the raised eyebrows, ill-fitting costumes and fluffed lines, Roundabout has a sincerity that makes me happy to recommend it to anyone, even if it did fool me into playing a puzzle game.

Roundabout is out now.

If you're a fan of giant fighting robots (and really, who isn't?), some great news emerged from New York Comic-Con this past weekend: the entire Mobile Suit Gundam franchise is being officially released on home video (DVD/Blu-Ray) in the United States. The Gundam franchise, a collection that spans over 25 different anime series and spin-off manga, video-games, models and other toys, focuses on a bunch of futuristic space wars fought by different human pilots in giant robotic "mobile" suits. It is the grandaddy of the "real robot" concept in science fiction, where giant robots are treated as just one of many tools of interpersonal conflict. American viewers may be more familiar with later iterations of Gundam thanks to the re-airing of Gundam Wing on Cartoon Network in the late 1990's and early 2000's.

Now Sunrise, the Japanese animation studio that owns the rights to all the Gundam properties, announced an expanded deal with its distribution company, Right Stuf, to re-release the original series that started it all back in 1979, Mobile Suit Gundam, on home video in early 2015. Right Stuf will also issue the first-ever North American releases of Turn A Gundam and Gundam ZZ next year, with subsequent series to follow. Pricing, video format, and exact availability details have yet to be announced, but for collectors and mecha buffs, the announcement alone is a big victory.

Netflix's payments to Verizon for a direct connection to its network didn't result in immediate improvements for the companies' joint subscribers, but they're finally paying off with better video performance. Verizon FiOS actually topped all other major ISPs in Netflix performance in September with an average stream rate of 3.17Mbps, Netflix said today.

Netflix

Although Verizon FiOS led all large ISPs in Netflix performance, Google Fiber is still No. 1 among all ISPs regardless of size with a 3.54Mbps average in September.

In August, Netflix streamed at an average of 2.41Mbps on Verizon FiOS, ranking tenth out of 16 major ISPs. In July, Netflix speed on Verizon FiOS was 1.61Mbps and in June it was 1.58Mbps, ranking 12th in both months. The Netflix/Verizon deal was announced in late April. When performance continued to get worse after the interconnection agreement, Verizon said it might take until the end of 2014 to get all the proper network connections in place to speed up video.

Cheri Loughlin, better known on the internet as blogger/corporate mixologist The Intoxicologist, has released a book of cocktail recipes and erotic stories due out October 14.

The book title is Cocktails with a Tryst: An Affair with Mixology and Seduction. There are 12 short stories and 27 cocktail recipes. 

But if you're like me, you're wondering, "Are there cocktails in the erotic stories?"

This is how I imagined it:

"Oh Sam," she moaned, adding 3/8 ounce of 3:1 honey syrup to the shaker according to the original Penicillin recipe, "I brought the Honey, now you provide the Milk."

But in reality: Not so much. There are some scenes that take place in bars (while drinking Martinis) and after cleaning up bars (then the after-hours fun begins). Champagne is used in one scene as a garnish... of sorts.

There are also a few scenes involving ice, and you know that makes me excited anyway. 

Recipe-wise, drink names are often paired with the story scenes. For example, after a changing-room encounter in a lingerie store with a woman named Brandy, it is suggested that one might make the Brandied Bustier (with dark rum, apricot brandy, orange liqueur, and lime juice), or Brandy's Exquisite Cherry (brandy, spiced rum, port, maraschino cherry syrup).

The recipes tend include champagne and/or orange juice; I'd consider them brunchy in general.  

Though I can be a real snob about drinks served in cocktail bars, with drink books written by drag queens and coming from drunken YouTube video stars and bundled with erotic fiction, I can enjoy the occasional bit of fun.