Binary! I’m sure you all know that 11001001 in binary translates to 201 in our own decimal system, which means…approximately nothing significant. Anyway, in this season one episode, which both Shalon (via email) and wonderlandjunkets (via tumblr) suggested to us, we have a really nice variety of fashions from all over the map. The episode starts with the Enterprise docking at a starbase and being boarded by some maintenance people in Jeffries tube suits:
Butts lol
I suppose we’ve seen them outside a Jeffries tube situation enough to know that they’re just “maintenance/janitorial” suits but I’ll always think of them that way.
Some guy who is trying SO HARD to be Evil Picard comes in, looking goateeish:
His brow game is tight though
I guess I have to give the man a little credit for trying to distinguish himself from JLP with the goatee. But for real! He looks more like JLP than the guy in the porn parody!
He brings with him two little aliens named One Zero and Zero One, who are Bynars, and will be fixing the ship’s computer.
My Buddy and Kid Sister have really evolved
This alien race works in pairs, like raptors or turtledoves or terrifying children in the Hotel Overlook. They literally finish each others’ sentences. It’s cute for, like, a second, and then it’s creepy. However: they are wearing some darling disco jumpsuits that are asymmetric when viewed singly and symmetric when viewed as a pair. Adorbs.
Also there is maybe a little person working in Engineering?
Unaddressed Dwarf is my Spinal Tap cover band
She might not be a little person that would have her own reality show on TLC, but she is getting it done over there with a sweet AC Slater mullet that somehow works on her.
The Bynars go to check out the bridge, and for some reason Riker asks Wesley “Cool Story, Jeopardy Teen” Crusher to keep an eye on them, because he doesn’t trust them. Now, of course Riker’s gut feeling turns out to be true, but there’s really no reason for him not to trust them now. They just fixed another ship with apparently no problem, and were specifically sent BY STARFLEET to fix the ship. Simmer down, Will, not everything is a crisis. And even if it was, you don’t leave Wesley in charge.
Just gonna stare creepily at you guys while you work, hope that’s cool
Riker starts wandering around the ship looking for stuff to do since he’s “not great at organizing his leave.” Girl, please. You’re on a starbase. Go find literally any woman, throw her a lustful glance and take care of business. But instead, he runs into all his colleagues going off to do various things. Worf, Tasha, and some randos, the lady one of whom is rocking a cute Harlem Renaissance-style coif, are going to go play Parrises Squares:
House of Spandex was having a sale on cerulean
Shalon, one of our tipsters, described these as “Skintight blue spandex with pants-crappingly-insane sleeve and collar armor(?) made from some kind of nubbly black rubber.” First of all, Shalon, if you crapped your pants after seeing these outfits, I’m not sure how you’ve handled a lot of other looks on this show. Frankly, I’m not sure you’re even still alive. We’ll address the sleeves in a second. But look at those gym bags! They are almost certainly the same one Charlie noticed in a Season 7 episode, Liaisons. Way to keep it consistent, art department.
But back to those sleeves that made Shalon need a diaper so bad.
Okay, YES, they are pretty nuts.
I would bet $1000 right now that that sleeve is made from one of those nubbly floor mats you see in the airlock of a store. The costume people just got one and cut it up. As someone who has a coat made out of a shower curtain, and once considered sewing a dress out of astroturf, this is the kind of innovation I like to see.
Elsewhere, Geordi and Data are painting:
OMG boring
Or rather, Data is painting, while Geordi is watching Data paint. How exciting could that possibly be, Geordi?! Go read a book about how to get laid.
Bev is supes excited because she’s going to hear a talk by a scientist. This actually sounds dope and would totally be a thing I would do on my leave time. I’m including this both because to leave her out seems rude, and because look at her hair in this screenshot!
Pantene Pro-V technology continues well into the future
It just looks RULL good, unlike many Season 1 hair moments.
Riker eventually wanders down to the holodeck, where the Bynars are doing some maintenance work. They’re like, “oh hey, we made some adjustments to the holodeck, maybe you should check it out,” and then they share this look:
Disco party later? Disco party later
Oooh gurl I love those little jumpsuits they’re wearing. They could be members of an elite jazz dance squad. But like: Riker. You are already suspicious of them. This extremely suspicious shared glance didn’t set off any alarms in your head?
Riker wants to play his trombone - excuse me, ‘BONE - he literally calls it a BONE - with a jazz trio in a Bourbon Street Bar, 1958. The holodeck is like, I got you:
That neon sign might be in all-caps Lucida Handwriting, sick
Then he asks for an audience:
This audience looks busted
What the hell are those waitresses wearing? Dirndls? Pirate wench outfits? And that guy in the red sweater sure looks pissed to be there. No wonder Riker asks for this audience to be removed and for something more intimate:
Hiiiiiiiiieeeeee
According to Riker, blondes and jazz don’t mix well, so he asks for something different:
Tawny Kitaen!?
jk, that’s not Tawny Kitaen. Her hair would indicate that she wishes she was, though. And holy shit, does this lady have a good grasp on sensually aggressive staring. Finally, we get what Riker likes: a pretty brunette woman:
Will Riker and Ron Swanson: Men of Taste
First off, girl looks good. But second off: THIS LOOK IS NOT 1958. That dress and that hair (or any of these holodeck beauties’ hair) are decidedly 1988. This is like if Marty McFly went back to the high school dance and Biff was wearing Air Jordans. To specify a year and then not tailor the clothing to that year is confusing. You can’t just go out to JC Penney and buy a prom dress, guys. However. She is working it out anyway. Rikes is astounded:
So confused with dem baby blues
He gives her the ol’ elevator eyes, starting at every straight man’s favorite thing, her shoes:
I was a Rockette once
The shoes are okay, but VERY matchy, and a little too “Mrs. Claus goes to Rio.” Also, check out those dance tights.
Ruche chill
Here’s where you can start to see WHY this dress does not belong in 1958. In 1958, you had two main skirt silhouettes: super-full, and super-narrow. This is sort of an in-betweenie. Both the full skirts, which would have been poufed up with crinolines underneath, and the narrow ones, which I think Minuet here would probably have been rocking for sex appeal reasons, would not have been made of whatever this gross synthetic fabric is. It’s too swishy and thin, and the skirt style doesn’t make sense. Not to mention that her boobs are all wrong. I mean, they’re great and nice - for 1988. In 1958 she would have been wearing some crazy underwear that made them less round and more pointy.
Yes, you have seen me on Law and Order
And finally, her pretty face. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is here that’s serving me 1988 Dallas Realness instead of 1958 Liz Taylor Realness, but I think it’s the blush. That very severe line of blush is super-80s. And maybe the bangs, a little bit? Her jewelry is pretty great. And yes, I recognized her from Law and Order.
Her name is Minuet and she is here to show Riker a good time.
Buhhhhhhhhh
It seems like one of the nice things about the holodeck is that you don’t really need to work that hard to get what you want. Do you want to make out with this beautiful woman? Great, then just do that. But Will Riker likes a challenge. So he decides to seduce her anyway…through the magic of THE BONE.
THAT kind of bone
At least we know he’s got a good embouchure.
Also appearing with Riker are Combover Piano Guy:
Maybe I’m bald, maybe I’m not…WHO KNOWS
His tie looks like it could be really interesting, but all I can see are fuchsia moons and stars, like some sort of monochromatic Lucky Charms.
I am bald, but I am owning it
This guy, the drummer, is wearing what appears to be a silk and velour shirt. Dude knows how to get tactile.
I am not bald but hoo boy that would have been a better choice
The bass player, who appears to be taking style tips from one or more Little Rascals, appears to be married. Mrs. Bass Player, please tell your husband that his hair could be so much better. Such a waste of a bass player. Man, do I love bass players.
Will dazzles Minuet with his stunning boning technique and she asks him to dance. He seems really into it, which is weird, because we know Riker prefers equals, especially in matters of love, and a computer program can never be your equal. But still:
Bass Player, you perv
But just as things are starting to heat up - though the band is still in the room - they get BUSTED by Picard. Of course, he’s the cool cap, so he’s like “keep it up, kids, don’t let me bother you, if you’re going to drink I’d rather you do it here than drive home”:
Carry on boning, number one
But Minuet asks him to join them, which I will warn you right now will NOT lead to a threeway no matter how hard you wish it to. She speaks to JLP in French and is generally charming and they kick it for a bit.
Not a threeway :( :( :(
But outside the holodeck, there is an antimatter containment breach. Data tries to reach Picard, can’t, and orders everyone off the ship. This means we get a lot of sweet background artist shots:
I SEE A SKANT BACK THERE
All three of these people, in these costumes, appeared in Episode 1.6, making me wonder whether they didn’t just reuse a shot from that episode. I remember that forest green thing, I remember that casual colorblock sweater, and I sure as heck remember that skant man. Efficiency!!
One Grecian Urn
What was Lavender Dress doing before this red alert got called? And what is her job on the Enterprise? There is no place for Grecian sandals here, young lady.
NO RUNNING
Here we have a nice robin’s-egg blue flowing top on a man, and some trompe l’oeil suspenders on a lady. Fuck you, gendered clothing!!!
I said no Grecian sandals!!
This is the reason they tell you not to wear heels on an airplane. What if you have to make a water landing and go down that slide and your stiletto punctures it and everyone dies because of your shoe choices? Grecian sandals are terrible for running during red alerts. I do like this tween’s color scheme, though, and her little brother’s tie-dye poncho is strangely inoffensive to me.
That’s barely a skant. More like a ska
Young lady, are you wearing that out of the house? That’s not a dress, that’s a shirt, and if you bend over, everyone will see your business!! Is that what you want? Oh, it is? Okay, carry on then.
Also that little boy is wearing marbled leggings #notmadatit
BRAIDS
Are those UGGS, young man?!?!?!
The lady in the fuchsia with the grey over-tunic could learn some things about the following subjects:
- silhouettes
- necklines
- hem lengths
- drapery
- overtunics having only one hem length at a time
The colors look nice on her though.
That’s just a blanket you put a belt around, friend
Bring me this space muumuu IMMEDIATELY
Oh, how I love this thing. I bet she and Grecian Sandal lady were having a pillow fight when the alarm sounded.
So everyone is off the ship - OR SO THE COMPUTER SAYS. It lies about Picard and Riker still being in the holodeck so just as Data is programming the ship to get far away from the starbase in case it explodes, everyone is like “OH SHIT THE CAPTAIN AND RIKER ARE STILL ON THERE” and reacts sort of like this:
This is where the pants-shitting REALLY starts
But then! The issue with the ship FIXES ITSELF and it WARPS AWAY and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK.
Turns out that the Bynars fucked around with the ship and now it’s circling their planet, Bynaus. There’s a bunch of confusing pseudoscience that of course Picard and Riker figure out how to fix, but they have to tell the ship to self-destruct in order to make it work? Sure. They go pose in Engineering to do so:
Riker Lean
There’s a shot of the self-destruct countdown at 2:01, which is the title of the episode, but in decimal, not binary:
MEANINGFUL
And finally Picard and Riker are back on the bridge, where the little aliens are collapsed:
r u ded
They’re not dead, but the computer that keeps their species alive (?!?!?!) got knocked out by a supernova (?!?!?!?!) and all the code is now in the Enterprise’s computer (?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!)
So in order to save them, and the rest of their planet, Picard and Riker just have to find the file and put it back in their computer. Basically, their whole civilization was almost killed because they didn’t back up their data. GIRL, GET AN EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE.
But don’t worry, Picard and Riker figure it out and it’s fine.
Sorry we sort of kidnapped you
I like that they have almost the same outfit, but not exactly, like backup singers in a Jefferson Starship show choir routine.
Riker and Picard aren’t mad, just disappointed:
Really, guys?
Picard uses this opportunity to test his skills at the comm, and finds it’s just like riding a bike:
And all of her clothes come off!
This is my Facebook cover photo right now. You can call me peanut butter because I KNOW UR JELLY
There’s only one last loose end to wrap up, and that’s Riker and Minuet. She was really starting to intrigue him, and he never sealed the deal. So he heads back to the holodeck (it’s holodeck four, by the by) to find her:
Girl that is a WIG
But she’s gone forever, since she was programmed by the Bynars to distract him. She’s not real, Will! focus on someone who is! Like Deanna, who does not appear at all in this episode. COINCIDENCE???? YOU TELL ME.
p.s. trekcore.com, we love your screenshots, girl
