Dance Magers

This is a pair of snakeskin cowboy boots with BONUS standing cobras rising from the toes. How awesome would it be if you could cast a spell on these bad boys and make the snakes come to life? Now those would be some killer boots. See what I did there? Come kick me in the nuts until I'm coughing blood. Thanks to chichi, who agrees it would be awesome to kick somebody's ass with these things and break a cobra off in their butthole.

Back in 1991, the mighty Criterion Collection licensed the rights from EON Productions to make special edition laserdiscs based on the first three theatrical Bond movies, Dr. No, From Russia With Love, and Goldfinger. Today Criterion is known mostly for its superb Blu-Ray and DVD editions of classic Hollywood and foreign films like Hidden Fortress and Nashville (not to mention Scanners!), but back in the '80s and '90s they frequently released laserdiscs of big budget commercial movies like Close Encounters and Ghostbusters, letterboxed in the original aspect ratio and packed with special features. (Their spectacular Blade Runner set, released in 1987, was one of the bestselling laserdiscs of all time and may have rescued the format from an early obsolescence.) The Bond movies were both hugely popular and historically significant, making them a natural fit for the company.

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Streaming video is rapidly becoming the movie-watching mode of choice, but does the takeover of streaming video mean that the special features and commentaries that accompanied DVDs are dead?

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Nintendo will release a line of Skylanders-style NFC action figurines and video games for Wii U and 3DS codenamed Nintendo Figurine Platform this year-end sales season, president Satoru Iwata announced during its financial results briefing today.

The figurine can read and write game data across many titles, enabling players to "customize your NFP to raise or train your own Nintendo characters." According to tweets by analyst David Gibson in attendance at the briefing, the company demonstrated technology by showing a Mario figurine being used across several games.

"And it has been designed to be compatible with multiple software titles for Nintendo platforms," Iwata said. "In other words, the figurines, which consumers can buy and...

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Sneakerheads are among the most passionate collectors in the world. The price tag, limited availability, and beauty of sneakers have been linked to murders, riots, and people standing in line for absurd amounts of time since the 90s.

For some, this intense fanaticism has turned into a sexual fetishization called sneaker destruction. And apparently there's an infinite amount of ways you can destroy your ridiculously expensive shoes for sexual pleasure. 

In the sneaker destruction community exists a group of people who get off on videos of people popping the air pocket on their Air Max sneakers. The videos, which are mostly shared on YouTube, start in a variety of ways but always end with the same money shot—a sharp object puncturing the air bubble. The visual of a hunting knife, razor blade, or power drill being driven into the air bubble of sought-after sneakers makes for some weird, yet oddly satisfying, videos.

Popping the bubbles of Nike Air Maxes for sexual pleasure is a pretty small niche thing. When I brought the videos to three nationally renowned fetish experts none of them had even heard of the phenomenon before. 

Dr. Gloria Brame is an expert in anything kinky, and has been a private sex therapist for the last 14 years in one of the kinkiest cities in the world, San Francisco. She told me that "destruction of property doesn't even show up in the literature till later. Abusing footwear is really about the harm. It's thrilling, dangerous, and angry."

Image via YouTube user lovinsneax1

Brame says fetishes come and go based on the current culture. Back in the day, people used to fetishize bicorne hats (that's the kind Napoleon used to wear). Shoe destruction is a contemporary fetish that Brame says speaks to the fact that our culture has become more violent. Sharing the videos online makes it fun to be part of what Brame called a “fraternity of weirdness.”

As I dug deeper into the annals of message boards and video sites, shit got weird fairly quickly. So I decided to reach out to Ginnasio, a seasoned shoe destroyer, to see why he ruins kicks for kicks.

VICE: Can you explain the feeling you get when you tear into a brand-new shoe with a knife?
Ginnasio: You can't explain the thrill. Sometimes I just can't resist the urge to do it, without any reason. That mostly happens with famous and trendy models of sneakers. I have met some people and let them try it out. Some appreciated it; others thought it was stupid.

When did you first realize you were attracted to destroying shoes? Are you sexually attracted to shoes in general or just to their destruction?
I was 13 or 14 the first time I modified my sneakers. I had fun, so I decided to continue. I like sneakers in general, but I only love them when they are trashed.

What is your favorite kind of shoe destruction?
I prefer to trash them to the level where they are still wearable—making holes and small cuts in the sneaker. I like swimming with them and walking in deep mud.

What does swimming and trekking have to do with shoe destruction?
I don't know why, but usually shoe destruction and bathing clothed are related. Most people engage in both.

Does destroying a more sought-after pair of sneakers increase the level of sexual pleasure you get?
Yeah, probably. Also, the ads from a big chain like Foot Locker represent kicks as a way of life. It's almost like they are part of the body. Converse advertisements always show dirty or trashed Chucks. They know the market and are targeting this important side of humanity.

How many shoes do you think you destroy a year? Is this hobby breaking the bank or what?
I trash about 8 to 10 pairs a year, but I usually wear them for months after they are trashed before I decide to destroy them completely. I spend about a $1,000 on shoes a year, but I get about a third of that money back from the website EverythingMustDie.com.

They pay you to destroy shoes?
They give me money for my videos and host them. Others pay them to watch.

Tell me about the shoe-destruction community on YouTube. Do you guys send one another shoes to destroy?
Yeah, sometimes. Some people have asked me to trash their shoes for them and vice versa. When I realized that all around the world there are really many people with the same hobby I was excited. I have always thought I was alone... But there are tons of "destroyers" in various countries. However, I have never met another shoe destroyer in person, though.

Have you ever had a sexual experience where you mix the shoe destruction in with the plain old intercourse?
I can say that I had a sexual experience just after a complete destruction of all my stuff, shoes included. I destroyed a bunch of stuff I had just bought: white jeans, tee, socks, underwear. 

Do you have any other interesting sexual tendencies? 
No. I'm single and hetero. If you count my fetish, then I've had some gay experiences as well.

I've heard this a predominately gay-male activity; is that true? 
Not at all. They're varied like anything else—straight, gay, and bi.

Does destroying shoes directly get you off? Like, is cutting into a shoe enough to make you ejaculate?
Yeah, sometimes.

What do you think of all the negative comments on YouTube?
They are a part of the game and I accept them so long as they contain any actual criticism, and not just insults (which happens sometimes). Moreover, the third-party site I publish my videos on gives a small part of its funds to charity.

What is something that people think about shoe destruction that isn't true?
That are spending habits are not validated. I have an absolutely normal life, as most of us do. Shoe destruction is a somewhat strange hobby, not a way of life.

Do you consider it a hobby or a fetish?
I am not really attracted by feet. Some other destroyers are, and they ask me to make videos barefoot. I only love to make my shoes trashed.

Do you think anything in your childhood lead to your attraction to shoes?
No. Just like many children, I loved to soak my shoes in a puddle or in mud. The only difference is that I still love to do it.

A faked photo of Jessica Alba

I’m looking at an image of Jessica Alba. In it, her face appears just as it does in every red-carpet photo you’ve ever seen of her, but her body looks a little unfamiliar: The most striking differences is that it doesn’t have any clothes covering it, and that it’s having some anal sex with a guy in a gold silk shirt.

This photo is, of course, a fake. As far back as I can remember, there's been a big online demand for this particular brand of smut, which involves stitching the heads of celebrities onto the bodies of porn stars.

Usually, the people who create the fakes—almost all of whom seem, understandably, to work under pseudonyms, such as “Lord Hollywood,” “Knight in the Wired,” and “Pirate Duck”—post their work to online forums, where it's critiqued by fans and other fakers. Occasionally, fakers get into head-to-head “duels” with other forum users voting for the winner. Of course, nobody with an internet connection actually pays for fake nudes of female celebrities, so the fakers practice their craft merely for forum kudos. Or, if you're being more thoughtful about it, because it allows them to subvert Hollywood’s control over their fantasies—young starlets in low-cut tops, frolicking in bikini scenes, mounting motorcycles in short shorts for no particular reason—and repackage them into something more risqué for the gratification of both themselves and legions of enthusiastic wankers.

One such fan is Mr. Charles. When I meet him in a Starbucks, I learn that Mr. Charles is in his late 40s and, judging by his slightly baggy blazer, guess that his small potbelly may once have been 15 pounds heavier. He’s greying around the temples and wears thin, black wire-frame glasses. For whatever reason, he has chosen a pseudonym that makes him sound like a postwar slave-owner. Picture a senior manager at a software company and you're probably not far off the man I'm looking at.

He tells me that he has a wife and two daughters but hasn’t seen them for more than a year. “You don’t realize it when you’re on the path,” he mewls. “You don’t realize how it’s not just something you do any longer only when you’re bored, but something you do because you need to do it. Daily. Hourly.”

Mr. Charles began surfing fake celebrity porn forums five years ago, when his wife and two little girls were out of town. He doesn’t remember exactly how he came across his first fakers' forum but thinks he wound up there after searching for sexy photos of Jessica Alba on Google. He’d just watched one of her movies on TV and wanted to masturbate about it before going to bed.

The images he found on this first forum were leagues beyond the bikini shots he’d initially hoped to find. Tere were hundreds of images of Alba, contorted into every conceivable position: missionary, doggy, cum shots, double—even triple—anal. He recalls that he masturbated four times before bed that night.

“I don’t know how to describe it,” he gushes. “Remember when you were 13 and just discovered masturbation? How good that felt? How powerful? It was like that.”

Over the next few years, Mr. Charles would return to the forum, and other forums like it, at first weekly, then daily, then sometimes hourly. He even began to browse the forums whenever the colleague he shared his office with stepped out for lunch. “I just needed more,” he says. “My wife became unattractive to me. These images were more than your normal porn. Suddenly I could have any of the young actresses I saw in movies and on TV at any time and in any position.”

Mr. Charles says that the fake images he masturbated to seemed real enough to him that it felt like he was actually joining his favorite stars in their most private, intimate, and erotic moments, an engagement Hollywood always teased but could never allow. He opens his laptop and shows me some of his most beloved images, not shy about browsing through a folder of 900 very explicit photos in a very packed coffee shop, before arriving at the one of Jessica Alba getting to know the guy in the gold silk shirt. The pseudonym on the photo is the mark of a prolific faker known as “Black Magnus.”

“This is the one that changed everything for me,” Mr. Charles says, as if he'd witnessed a holy revelation or shaken hands with an alien rather than simply found a Frankensteined image of "Jessica Alba" getting anally penetrated in the recesses of the internet.

He explains that, two years ago, he happened upon this particular fake of Alba for the first time. He’d never seen it before, even though it was by Black Magnus, his favorite faker. Mr. Charles first stole a peek at it when he got to his work computer in the morning and logged in to one of his favorite forums. The mixture of pain and pleasure on Alba’s face played on his mind for the next three hours, and when his colleague left for lunch he couldn’t wait any longer. As soon as the door shut behind her, he started masturbating.

And then his colleague opened the office door. “She actually screamed,” he says.

A faked image of Natalie Portman

The resulting investigation led to Mr. Charles’s dismissal. Unbeknownst to him, his company had begun tracking the web history of all its employees. His browsing history was all there: Alba having anal sex, Natalie Portman in a bukkake session, former Disney stars doing stuff that Disney would presumably not be very happy about them doing.

“When your bosses see that you’re looking at pornographic images of some very young actresses… well, I would have quit in shame if they hadn’t fired me,” he says, before adding that he never viewed fakes of underage actresses. “Matter of fact, faking underage stars will get you immediately banned in most forums.”

Mr. Charles came clean to his wife and promised to get help for what he now realized was an addiction. But the resulting depression from his firing, the loss of trust from his wife, and his inability to find another job—combined with his promises to stop looking at fakes, but his powerlessness to resist the temptation—led to her leaving him ten months later, taking their two young daughters.

I’m about to ask Mr. Charles if he still looks at fakes, but given the collection he’s just taken me through, I already know the answer. So instead I ask why he continues to indulge in the very thing that made his life fall apart. “Why does an alcoholic need a drink?” he answers.

Years before Mr. Charles’s firing, a 17-year-old Italian boy named Marco was whiling away his lunch hours drawing comic book heroines in a notebook, most of the time with their clothes torn to shreds, instead of socializing with his schoolmates. “I couldn’t explain it then,” Marco says, “but I drew these fake people with their clothes off because I wasn’t good at having real relationships, much less feeling comfortable around girls. I think the drawing of the obviously unattainable fake comic book superheroes was a way to release my teenage sexual frustration. Plus, I always liked to draw.”

Another fake nude of Alba

Unsurprisingly, Marco’s reclusiveness and his drawing of unobtainable women may have also had something to do with his relationship with his mother. A year earlier, his father had run off with the woman he'd hired to clean their house, leaving Marco and his mother to fend for themselves—something his mother wasn’t much good at.

The more his mother withdrew from life, the more panic attacks Marco found himself having at school, which led to increased bullying from his classmates. It wasn’t long before he started self-harming; eventually he became bulimic. Things came to a head shortly after Marco’s 18th birthday, when his mother killed herself. His father didn’t show for the funeral. “I knew I should have been mad at my father, but all my anger went towards my mother,” he says.

Over the next two years, Marco’s self-harm increased. Drug use and thoughts of suicide became a constant problem. Any job he managed to get he quickly lost. But it wasn’t until one night before his 21st birthday that things hit rock bottom. “The thoughts of suicide had become so prevalent that I could literally hear them in my head,” he says. “I don’t know what stopped me, but I managed to walk out the door and made it to the hospital.”

Upon his release from the hospital, Marco was referred to a treatment center where he attended cognitive-behavioral-therapy sessions for six months. “It wasn’t until I did an extra session with an arts therapist that I began to turn the corner,” he says. “She was the most nonjudgmental person I’ve known. She asked what made me happy and I just answered, ‘Drawing unobtainable women.’ And she said, ‘So do that.’”

So that’s exactly what Marco did, beginning to draw his comic-book women again, before getting a job at a local internet café and messing around with a pirated version of Photoshop, a platform that allowed him to create far more lifelike superheroes than ink on paper ever could.

“I’d show my photoshopped drawings of superheroines to a friend I made who worked late shifts with me at the café,” Marco says. “To my surprise, he had no shame in admitting he loved the topless ones. He even had me print some out for him. We laughed about it, but I did. It made me feel good.”

A faked image of Mila Kunis

The next week his friend came in with a memory stick containing several hardcore pornography images, as well as multiple photos of Keira Knightley, Shakira, and Mila Kunis.

“‘You think you can make me up an image?’ he said to me,” Marco recalls. “It was a challenge, since it was manipulating existing images. In many ways it’s much harder than just drawing your own. The first wasn’t that good; neither were the next five or six. With cartoon art, like you find in comics, you don’t need to worry about lighting, but in creating photorealistic images, the ability to match lighting and shading is what makes it.

“But I got good fast, and my friend soon made me aware he had been sharing my images on online forums. When I checked them out it was odd; there were dozens of comments praising my images, and there was also this big community of users who liked the same stuff I did. I felt not only accepted but respected, for the first time in my life.”

Over the next year, Marco made dozens of fakes, his reputation on the forums growing every time he released a new one. He then started winning duels with other fakers, which gained him even more praise. And though he knew that plenty of his fans were looking at his images just to get off, Marco was creating them as both an emotional release and also as an acceptance of who he was.

“At first I would sign the images with my real initials, because I was no longer ashamed,” Marco says. “But the more I made, the more people online started requesting their favorites. They’d especially love my Natalie Portmans and Sarah Michelle Gellars, and they really liked the Jessica Albas, who I always liked from Dark Angel. At the same time, many of my fans also said I needed a better pseudonym, like the other great fakers had, than just my initials.”

So what pseudonym did he choose? “Black Magnus,” he says, adding that the recognition and encouragement of his talents gave him a confidence that, just a few years earlier, he could never have dreamed of having.

It’s that confidence gained through creating celebrity fakes, Marco says, that enabled him to fully kick his self-loathing. “I know many might not consider it ‘art’,” he says, “but that therapist was right: It has the power to change your life.”

All names in this story have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. The fake images in this story are posted as examples of other fakers’ works and were not created by “Black Magnus.”

Michael Grothaus is a journalist whose first novel is about America’s addiction to celebrity, explored through a porn addict’s involuntary entanglement in the world of sex trafficking among the Hollywood elite. He is represented by the Hanbury Literary Agency in London. You can follow him on Twitter: @michaelgrothaus

NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (LRO) experiences 12 "earthrises" every day, but it recently took full advantage of an opportunity to capture this image of Earth — and it's marvelous.

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Scientists have engineered the first living microbe that can carry and pass down an expanded genetic code to future generations — one that has six base pairs instead of the usual four. It's a breakthrough that will not only allow us to build powerful new forms of life, it's also changing what we know about evolution.

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This is a short video of Redditor LivingOaks' mom's eyeball. It has a naturally occuring blood vessel that spells love in cursive. Although personally I think it actually spells lovem. Still, I'm jealous the blood vessels in my eyes don't spell anything. Maybe if I pop a few straining on the toilet that will change. *eats a block of cheese* I'm really hoping for, 'If you can read this you're close enough to stab.' Keep going for a short video of the blood vessel in question. Thanks to Julian, who referenced that one chick in Indiana Jones's archaeology class that wrote 'LOVE YOU' on her eyelids. SOLID REFERENCE.

Eating Tiger Penis Is Now Illegal in China

When Scientific American editor Michael Moyer was invited to appear on Fox & Friends, America's number-one-rated morning show, a producer asked him to talk about future scientific trends. Moyer said he wanted to talk about climate change. He was told to talk about something else.

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Historical Twitter accounts are fun, but they're also lousy with fakes. That's not a problem with @OnePerfectShot, an account that tweets beautifully framed stills from classic movies. According to creator Geoff Todd, the account's mission is to "honor the past and... inspire a new generation of perfect shots." That's a mission we can believe in.

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NASA has launched a livestream from the International Space Station. Four HD cameras attached to the ISS are now providing an around-the-clock perspective of Earth, including audio conversations between the crew and Mission Control. You can watch it live right here.

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This is a $110 reversible Chewbacca/Han Solo hoodie. It's Chewbacca on one side, Han Solo on the other. Han's jacket was inspired by his parka on Hoth. I like how they added a name tag though, just to make it clear. What percentage of the population do you think would recognize you as Han Solo if you were wearing it? My guess is less than fifty percent. At least twenty percent would guess you're a character from Star Trek. Nobody will guess you're a character from Stargate or Battlestar Galactica, because if you've even heard of Stargate or Battlestar Galactica there is no way you couldn't recognize Han Solo from a mile away. I bet Star Wars was like, your gateway drug. Thanks to carey, who made me promise to buy her one in a small but they're out of smalls so it looks like I'm off the hook and don't even have to lie about how it must have gotten lost in the mail.

In the wake of the Fukushima disaster, Japan has doubled its efforts to find a viable alternative to nuclear power. An updated proposal from the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) seeks to solve the island nation's energy woes — and it's the much vaunted scifi-like idea of building an orbital farm.

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Do my balls work? Are my sperm swimming? Could my girlfriend get pregnant? These are all questions I am confident the answer to is no. I have been toasting my nuts with a laptop 14 hours a day for far too long for there to be anything alive down there. My balls are like a alien planet -- NASA would be pleasantly surprised to find a sign of life on them. And now two guys have developed a take-at-home male fertility test that can determine if your sperms are viable or not. *holding up cup* Uh-oh, mine are all yellow! "That's urine." I didn't understand the instructions on the side of the box.

Developers Greg Sommer and Ulrich Schaff say their new portable male fertility test allows men to monitor the quality of their sperm regularly from the privacy of their own home. Formerly with the national laboratory, the researchers say their new consumer product may be available by early next year. "It allows men to test and track their fertility from the comfort and privacy of their own homes," Sommer told the Albuquerque Journal this week. "It's a portable, easy-to-use diagnostic system with the accuracy of a clinical lab test."

Hey, whatever works. Personally I am trying to NOT be fertile. But that's just me I struggle to even take care of myself. Could you imagine me trying to raise a child? "Don't even joke about it." Haha -- my mom, ladies and gentlemen! She does not want me making her a grandmother. Thanks again to Thaylor H, who informed me driving with a Slurpee between your legs can do wonders for your fertility. You just have to name the baby 7-11 or Big Gulp when it comes.

Is the Department of Justice Forcing Banks to Terminate Porn Stars' Bank Accounts?

It's been months now, but Disney is still struggling to keep shelves stocked with toys and costumes from its mega-hit Frozen—all of which sell out within hours, much to the chagrin of frustrated parents everywhere. But has the insane demand for Elsa merch prompted Disney to repackage accessories from its other franchises in a desperate attempt to capitalize on Frozen-mania?

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Solar energy is one of the best and most easily implemented options to reduce our use of fossil Carbon based fuels. Never mind that the sun is only up and strong for part of the day, and is often covered by clouds. If you put a few square meters of solar panels on the roof of a residential or commercial building, you get clean and free (after the investment into the system) electricity thereafter. Clearly, this is an underutilized technology. In recent years there has been a precipitous drop in the cost of implementing solar energy, so it is now economically kinda dumb to not put solar panels on your roof. Worked out over the long term, a properly done implementation of solar can save a home owner hundreds of dollars a year after accounting for the cost of the equipment, installation, maintenance, and permitting fees. And, since part of your energy is coming from non-Carbon based sources, by implementing solar you also save money on those Survivalist Training Courses you might otherwise have to buy for your grandchildren if you expect your progeny to continue to exist in the not-too-distant future.

But every dollar that you save by using solar energy is a sum of money not earned by utilities and the owners of the energy production system, which generally translates into Your Power Company + The Koch Brothers.

So, naturally, the Koch Brothers and various energy utilities have been investing money to make sure that solar is not worth it. One way to reduce the viability of solar to the home owner or small business is to reduce or eliminate the payments that utilities make back to the owner of the solar energy system in the purchase of excess energy produced during those bright sunny days when your solar panels are at home doing their job while you are off at work doing your job.

A Sunday Review editorial published over the weekend in the New York Times discusses this strategy. The Koch Brothers and others have, over the last few months, ramped up their spending to reduce or eliminate renewable energy incentives. Since for the most part utilities are regulated state by state, this is being done at the state level. At present, owing to grassroots organizing combined with a bit of rare common sense in state legislatures, most states require utilities to pay for energy fed back into the system by homeowners with small power plants. But, there are moves to reduce these paybacks or to charge homeowners a surcharge so the utilities actually make money on your electricity, to the extent that for many homeowners, installing solar may not be worth it. This is a kick in the groin for homeowners and small businesses who have already installed systems with certain expectation of cost and benefit, and it is a kick in the groin for the planet, and our future, because the shift to solar for some of our energy will be slowed down by these nefarious changes in regulation.

According to the NYT,

Oklahoma lawmakers recently approved such a surcharge at the behest of the American Legislative Exchange Council, the conservative group that often dictates bills to Republican statehouses and receives financing from the utility industry and fossil-fuel producers, including the Kochs. As The Los Angeles Times reported recently, the Kochs and ALEC have made similar efforts in other states, though they were beaten back by solar advocates in Kansas and the surtax was reduced to $5 a month in Arizona.

But the Big Carbon advocates aren’t giving up. The same group is trying to repeal or freeze Ohio’s requirement that 12.5 percent of the state’s electric power come from renewable sources like solar and wind by 2025. Twenty-nine states have established similar standards that call for 10 percent or more in renewable power. These states can now anticipate well-financed campaigns to eliminate these targets or scale them back.

In some contexts, the utilities and their lobbyists are making the simple, straight forward, and correct, argument that wanton installation and use of domestic solar will hurt their profits. But we all know that the number one problem with our energy system at present is that it is driven by profits of the few at the cost (often through externalities, such as everybody dies etc. etc.) all others. Energy utilities should be viable, not profitable, and everyone knows and agrees with that. (Except the energy utilities.) And, of course, the Wealthiest People In The World need to keep their Mega Yachts well appointed, so that’s a consideration that most common people take into account … and ignore, resent, and get mad about.

So, as the NYT points out, Koch and friends have an alternative strategy to gain the hearts, minds, and monies of the American people.

Solar expansion, they claim, will actually hurt consumers. The Arizona Public Service Company, the state’s largest utility, funneled large sums through a Koch operative to a nonprofit group that ran an ad claiming net metering would hurt older people on fixed incomes by raising electric rates. The ad tried to link the requirement to President Obama. Another Koch ad likens the renewable-energy requirement to health care reform, the ultimate insult in that world. “Like Obamacare, it’s another government mandate we can’t afford,” the narrator says.

Here’s the ad that blames Obama for wanting to harm old people:

Thanks, Obama!

Here’s the ad that links Solar Energy and Obama Care to Solar Energy:

Do you find this annoying? Of course you do. But there is something you can do about it.

Since this battle is being fought at the state level in the US, if you are a US citizen and voter, just contact your state reps and tell them that you do not appreciate what the Koch Brothers and various utilities are doing. Send them a link to the NYT editorial …

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/27/opinion/sunday/the-koch-attack-on-solar-energy.html

… and tell them that you support home owners and businesses that want to use solar and that you don’t want to see any hint of legislation to interfere with that effort. Not sure who your state representatives are (or is, in some states, you have only one)? CLICK HERE to find out.

You might decide to not do this for one of two reasons, and in both cases you are wrong so please consider. Incorrect reason 1) “I live in a state that has already implemented good laws and regulations and I see no evidence that the Koch Brothers and Kin are coming after us, so why bother?” The reason this is wrong is that they are coming after your stat, you just don’t know it yet. Your letter, phone call, or email to your reps are a form of inoculation, imperfect, but potentially effective, against this. Incorrect reason 2) “My particular legislators are cool. They won’t vote in favor of any such Koch Sponsored Legislation (KSL).” That is wrong because your legislators are embedded in a complex system of give and take. It’s called “Politics.” They need a record of having been contacted by numerous constituents about this. That only happens if you contact them. So just do it.

Shawn Otto, in his book “Fool Me Twice: Fighting the Assault on Science in America,” reports that he once asked a legislator (at the federal level) what constituted a “groundswell” of support for a particular issue. I don’t recall the exact number, but Shawn was told something to the effect and of the magnitude of “a dozen or so” letters from constituents. Note, I said letters, not emails. A letter looks like this:

It’s a tremendous amount of work. You have to print it out, find an envelope somewhere, get a “stamp” which costs several cents, and put the object in one of these:

… but it is worth it. Every one of those is probably worth hundreds of emails, because emails can be automated. But just to be sure, you can send the same text as an email and as a “letter” and while you are at it, send a tweet or two. When you send a tweet to your representatives, be sure that the tweet does not begin with the @ sign because if it does, it will not be generally viewable to others who follow your Twitter account. Put a “.” or something (not a space) first, then others will see what you are up to and perhaps join in. (See this for how to use Twitter more effectively.)

OK, that’s all for now. Imma go tweet my reps. See you later.

Did you watch Game of Thrones on HBO Go last night? Then you may have gotten a surprise bit of information that is so monumentally huge, it's not just a spoiler for the show but it's possibly a spoiler for the A Song of Ice and Fire books as well. CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK.

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Have you ever smoked weed with your buddies and spent an inordinate amount of time making stereotypical “we’re stoned, bro” jokes centred around completely cartoonish and unrealistic inventions? If you have, you may be familiar with the part of the conversation when some dude invariably says, “You know what’d be great? A robot that gives you blowjobs,” and the game ends because you’ve reached the pinnacle of the ridiculous and stupid and far-fetched and comically weed-y. Well, thanks to a new product called the Autoblow 2, you’re going to need a new dumb weed joke zenith.

The Autoblow 2 is billed as the world’s preeminent “realistic robotic oral sex simulator for men.” It comes equipped with a motor built that lasts over 500 hours, a removable mouth-shaped sleeve made from artificial skin, adjustable speeds (duh you need adjustable speeds), and is "super easy to clean." The Autoblow 2’s website specifies (emphasis theirs): “The feeling of having your penis inside of the sleeve while the spring-loaded beads stroke up and down can best be described in two words: surprisingly good.”

Earlier this year, Brian Sloan, a former lawyer and the creator of the Autoblow 2—as well as other adult entertainment products like the original Autoblow, Mangasm, and Ladygasm—realized that despite investing over $100,000 into creating and testing the product, he was still $45,000 short of having the funds necessary to complete the project. This led him to launch an IndieGoGo crowdsourcing campaign, which has become something of a viral success. With 16 days left in the campaign, the Autoblow 2 has raised over $40,000.

I found the concept and crowdfunding success of the Autoblow 2 fascinating, so I decided to give Brian a call in China (where he’s based) to discuss what his law school buddies think of his new career choice, the other names considered before settling on "Autoblow," and why sex toys should work like kitchen appliances.

VICE: OK, let’s start with the most obvious question: why?
Brian Sloan: [Laughs] Why not?

I think that if you asked men what their ideal masturbation-improving device would be, many would say, “Something that does it for you and you don’t have to do anything.”

I’ve just always had this idea that it would be the ultimate fetish toy. In a way, it can improve people’s lives, you know?

Ever since I started making toys, I always thought the Holy Grail would be an awesome, automatic machine.

The Autoblow 2 sleeve. Photos courtesy of Autoblow 2.

You were a lawyer before getting into your current gig. Do you remember the moment that you decided, “This is nice, but I should quit and start making sex toys in China”?
During the summer between my second and third year of law school, I had a job in a fancy law firm. On the weekends, I would make up a map of garage sales at six in the morning, then I would hit this route of sales during the day. I was making more money buying and selling garage sale goods than I was in my fancy law firm job. I came to China because I was trying to see if I could pay for my trip by solely buying antiques and selling them on eBay. I tried it once and it worked. Then I started meeting more and more people here… and I figured, Wow, I just want to move here and start a business.

I fell into the adult market because I was a bit obsessed with eBay and I knew what sold well in different categories, and there wasn’t really many people selling latex fetish wear and bondage equipment. I found out in China where I could get rubber suits made, and then it took off from there because I was able to make custom sizes—especially for bigger people—for a much lower price than they were used to.

What is the Autoblow 1 like?
The Autoblow 1 is a stroker. There were similar strokers to it before it, but it’s battery-powered. It’s on our original website, RoboticBlowjob.com. With the Autoblow 2, the concept is the same but the execution is much different. Basically, other people sell similar products to the original Autoblow, but no one ever went all out and made something that’s the quality of a kitchen appliance that’s a male stroker, like we have for the Autoblow 2.

I mean, if you bought a sex toy and it broke a few months later, you wouldn’t say, “Aww, I can’t believe it. That’s outrageous,” because you sort of expect it to break. But if you bought an espresso machine for your kitchen, you’d expect at least a year or two of functioning.

There are female toys built that are built at the quality level of a kitchen appliance. But, until now, I think, there are no male toys that are an item that you would consider a home appliance, not a toy.

Autoblow is a fantastic name. What other names did you guys bandy about before you settled on it?
Good question. Whenever I’d mention this product to some old-timers in the industry, it reminds them of a product that existed in the 80s called RoboSuck. The old-timers told me the RoboSuck was a machine that plugged into the cigarette lighter in your car that was popular with truckers.

But basically, we were considering names that had to do with robots and sucking. That’s why we originally named the website RoboticBlowjob.com. I wasn’t big into domain names at that time and I probably wouldn’t have named it such a funny name if I could do it over again. It’s so ridiculous—and maybe that’s why it’s good—but I would never do that again.

Oh, and we considered using the name Suck It, but ultimately decided against it.


The Autoblow 2, without the inserted sleeve.

Why should people use an Autoblow 2 over, say, a Fleshlight?
I think there’s two considerations about male sex toys. There’s how it feels on your penis. And there’s, "Does this feel real?"

These are related but separate concepts. I don’t think anyone would say, Oh the Fleshlight doesn’t feel good. The Fleshlight feels really good. And it replicates a pretty good, sex-like feeling. But because it’s not automatic, you’re still sitting there, jerking off with your hand. You’re just improving the feeling part. You didn’t improve that much on the realism side. I think that toys—especially for men—are going to move towards a direction where products don't just feel good on your penis, but they feel like the real sexual act.

The difference with the Autoblow 2 is that it’s automatic so you can just put it on your penis. You can either hold it or leave it there, and I think the sensation is totally different, since you don’t use your hands. You can watch your movie or do whatever you’re going to do, and it really feels like someone’s giving you oral sex you because you’re not touching yourself. It’s kind of a surprising experience.

I can’t say that the feeling on your penis is so much better than the Fleshlight’s, but I can say that it feels good like a Fleshlight, but it’s also different because it’s realistic. You’re not jerking off.

You’ve done really well with this IndieGoGo campaign, raising $40,000 of your $45,000 goal. What kind of messages are you getting from the fans of the Autoblow 2?
Interestingly, I’m getting messages from disabled people and people with MS. I'm also getting a lot of emails from a bunch of Iraq War vets, who have various mobility problems who have been looking for an automatic device. Vets tend to email. And we’ve received word from other people who are just giving us support, telling us that they think the concept is cool.

And there are people from the industry reaching out about doing some kind of projects together. So, it’s been really interesting. A lady reached out to me whose friends with a lot of porn stars and cam models and she wants to do a product together. So many things are happening that I thought would never come from the IndieGoGo.

How does the Autoblow 2 compare to real thing?
The real thing is different. The feeling is very similar to the real thing because with the real thing, you don’t exactly use your hands. But you also don’t have to talk to the Autoblow 2 when you’re finished. You don’t have to form an emotional bond with the Autoblow 2, and there are many guys that that's a benefit for.

I think a lot of guys who actually use it are married and don’t have sex with their wives anymore. Or they’re single and the emotional part isn’t important to them.

Physically, it’s different. I mean, it’s a machine. But for some guys I think that has some benefits.

Last question: Do you use the Autoblow 2?
I would say that I have tested the Autoblow 2, but I’m not a diehard masturbation toy user. I mean, I think of it in the same realm of thinking as, "Should an alcoholic run a bar?" Maybe not. I've made the Autoblow 2 as good as it could possibly be, and frankly, the only way to do that was by testing. When I see friends who do a business because they love something about the business, they always pick the wrong business for themselves because they’re blind to the realities of the industry. I can’t say that I’m like the biggest personal user of masturbation products, but I can say that I understand exactly what men want. And I think I’ve delivered it to them.

To donate to the Autoblow 2 IndieGoGo, click here. To learn more about the Autoblow 2, visit Autoblow2.com

Follow Jordan Sowunmi on Twitter.

Lebowski Fest, the long-running tribute to the cult classic comedy The Big Lebowski, came to Los Angeles for yet another trip down cinematic memory lane. These bizarre conventions happen periodically in 30 cities across the English-speaking world. People who have seen the movie a bunch of times get together to behave like the Dude and Walter: Dress shabbily, drink, go bowling, and yell catchphrases. Some also wear costumes.

In Los Angeles, on April 25 and 26, it was clear that there's been a weird arms race of costume obscurity going on since these started in 2002. A classic Dude getup, a well-executed Jesus-the-child-molester costume, or a nihilist in black with stuffed ferret may have once been good ways to get recognized for your effort, but not anymore. Now you have to dig deeper into that barrel to come up with something memorable.

No, deeper. Now scrape. Now you're getting it.

Maybe you'll recall that there is briefly a dog at one point in the movie, obscured by a carrying case. So a thing you could do is dress as a dog, and then, the whole night when people ask "Why a dog?" remind them that there was a dog, and they'll probably remember.

Both of these Asian guys had the same basic idea. Think about it for a second. Give up? They're the Chinaman who took Lebowski's legs in Korea! One wore a period paramilitary outfit. The other decided to be truer to Lebowski's account of events, and opted for what would probably be an elderly Purple Heart recipient's recollection of the hated Chinaman.

I asked if this lady was wearing a photo of a marmot, a-la the Dude's misidentification of the nihilists' pet ferret. Nope. That's a beaver. It's a beaver picture, because Maude Lebowski refers to a porn movie at one point as a "beaver picture." Remember? While I was talking to her, a guy suggested he take my camera and get a shot of both of us. So that's me with the lady wearing a beaver picture.

Was there a Soviet guy in the movie? No. But remember when they mention Lenin? That's this. Thing is, when your costume is someone who's been immortalized in millions of statues, you have to have the face shape for it. And granted, he took a stab at the goatee, which is the honest way to do a costume, but if it were me, and the day were coming, but I still just had stubble, I'd head to a costume store. Like Lincoln, the costume doesn't work without the exact right facial hair. 

If you can easily recall the five seconds of the movie where Maude Lebowski is being lifted off her crane painting apparatus by two burly guys in overalls, this is a great double costume. If not, it's just overalls.

If you google it, you'll find out that "Branded" was a real TV show, not something made up for the "Is this your homework, Larry?" scene. You'll also find out that the main character really should have on a cavalryman's uniform, at least for the opening sequence. Again, that's if you google it.

This isn't so much a costume as a memorial on a shirt that this guy made. The one thing I was hoping to see at Lebowski Fest was a really excellent Brandt costume in honor of Philip Seymour Hoffman. It would be hard, because clothes-wise it's just a conservative suit. But the right blond hair and nervous bluster would have really sold it. Oh well.

Does this have something to do with the "Over the line!" standoff scene? Close, but no. In between the memorable "the Chinaman is not the issue here," and "Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature," Walter says something about drawing a line in the sand.

Next to him is a guy in a "Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, he eats you." costume, which I also liked.  

Sure, why not balls? My first guess was that this is what would remain after the nihilists cut off Lebowski's johnson. Think harder though. You'll have to recall what makes a man, according to Lebowski: "Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost?" to which the dude replies: "Sure, that and a pair of testicles."

What had captured this guy's imagination was the scene where all the porn stars in Malibu use a blanket to toss that topless lady into the air. He's dressed as one of the guys, and because apparently he didn't have someone willing to dress as the topless lady (skin-colored suit?), he brought a prop lady. He had to carry his prop lady around all evening, and leave her lying face up on the table while he bowled. Make of that what you will, grad students.

These fun, chatty guys flew out from Australia for Lebowski Fest, and they dressed this way because "everything else had been done." I assumed they were the nihilists in negative, after the battle in the parking lot toward the end of the movie. I didn't give it a second thought, until I overheard something about them being a rash. There is a line about a rash.

Costumes show off the thing about yourself you want people to notice. You can draw attention to your good looks, if that's where your vanity is, or, through attention to detail, you can draw attention to your geekiness if that's what you're most proud of. The least successful costumes at Lebowski Fest—the embarrassing outfits that you have to constantly explain—are the ones that show the closest kinship with the characters in the movie.

Good on you if you're into that sort of thing.

Follow Mike Pearl on Twitter

Inspired by the sad story of Bruno the Bear, artist Eiko Ishizawa created this "Great Sleeping Bear" sculpture/sleeping bear. It's stunning — and now it can be yours, because the artist is selling a limited amount of her handmade work.

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This is the R2-D2 measuring cup set available from ThinkGeek ($20). The stacked cups actually make up his body, and his utility arms are nested measuring spoons! Admittedly, I bet R2 would be a great helper in the kitchen. C-3PO? C-3PO is not a good helper anywhere. "Target practice." I stand corrected. Keep going for a couple more shots and a video, because some measuring cups need a video. Thanks to TGILAM, hands down the best cookie baker in the galaxy.

It's only been four years since the Lost finale, but co-creator Carlton Cuse already thinks ABC will likely reboot the series. "We have to go back to the island!" an ABC executive will presumably scream.

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For years, Iran has been blocking foreign television channels. Now, the country's medical community is convinced that these electronic countermeasures are responsible for a growing number of cancer cases—and their concerns recently received support from a Grand Ayatollah.

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This is the 1993 Ford Explorer that Redditor scoodidabop converted into a Jurassic Park Ford Explorer. You know, it's a real shame Ford didn't monopolize on the opportunity and make a real Jurassic Park edition when they had the chance. What were you thinking?! I would have like, a whole fleet of those things. Or at least one...THAT I BONE IN ALL THE TIME. You know that cup of water in the movie that ripples when the t-rex is approaching? Well in my car it gets kicked off the dash by my girlfriend when we're trying a new sex position. "The pterodactyl?" CAW, CAW! Keep going for a couple more shots, but check out scoodidabop's Imgur gallery for the entire modification process. Thanks to PYY, who agrees there's nothing more romantic than making out to the Jurassic Park soundtrack in the backseat of an Explorer. Whoa, that is how babies are made! (Jk jk I have no clue how babies are made and I want to keep it a surprise)

This is a series of upcoming Finish postage stamps featuring the iconic homoerotic art of Tom of Finland (aka Touko Laaksonen). I'm really digging that one face and butt design. That guy's all, "Peekaboo, I see you! Like my mustache?" I would love to get a piece of mail with that on it. Truthfully, I'd love to get a piece of mail period. You know when the last time I got a piece of fan-mail was? Fan-mail, LOL. One time I actually thought I did get a fan letter until I recognized my mom's handwriting. She loves me and cares about me. Thanks to IJJ and LupusYonderboy, who agree there should be far more nude postage stamps. Right? Maybe I'd start collecting again.

Photos by Steven Smith

Somewhere along the great corporate coastline of the North American highway system a truck driver is hitching-up his pants and sauntering across the asphalt to his rig. Behind him, golden arches eclipse the setting sun. He is an elite member of an army of civilian road warriors, transporting somewhere in the neighborhood of 90 billion pounds of meat per year to restaurants and supermarkets across the country.

According to every environmental expert out there, producing that amount of meat is completely unsustainable. The average American eats 270 pounds of meat per year, putting us in second place (behind Luxembourg, oddly enough) as the flesh-eating capital of the world.

According to the EPA, the factory farming industry is responsible for 28 percent of global methane emissions, thanks largely to cow burps. That methane, which contributes greatly to global warming, can and has caused severe droughts in portions of the country where cattle, and the corn necessary to feed them, are raised and grown. And they screw up the water supply, too. From the EPA: “agricultural nonpoint source (NPS) pollution was the leading source of water quality impacts on surveyed rivers and lakes, the second largest source of impairments to wetlands, and a major contributor to contamination of surveyed estuaries and ground water.”

Long story short: We need to find viable, palatable, nutritious alternatives to traditional meat.

With that in mind I decided to replace one meal per day for seven days with sources of protein that can be purchased alive from a pet store.

At this point I should note that I’m not some granola here to chew your ear off about how fucked up factory farming is. In fact, I eat a lot of meat myself. I’m from northern Michigan, where there’s only one day in the Christian calendar year when most folks will intentionally choose fish, and I’m the type of heathen who doesn’t even abstain on that day. So this little experiment was done for my own sake, to know what sort of animal-based dishes I can look forward to when hamburgers are enjoyed exclusively by the one percent.

Before beginning the diet, I consulted my doctor to make sure I wasn’t about to spark some Contagion-type situation. As I told him about my plan he put his chin in his hand and nodded politely, but seemed pretty unconcerned.

“Isn’t there anything I should be worried about?” I asked.

He shook his head with an offhand warning against eating mice intestines. “Make sure to take those out.” 

“Sure,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to eat their poop.”

After a pause, and without irony, he told me where in town I could find the best price on regionally raised beef tenderloin.

And so, with my doctor’s blessing, I drove to the pet store to buy some groceries.

Day 1: Crickets Pancakes

Nutritional Facts: 1 serving equals 100g of crickets. Each serving contains 121 calories, 12.9g protein, 5.5g of fat

Ingredients

4 cups of flour
1 cup of roasted crickets

Directions

Place your crickets in the freezer for 1-2 hours, then boil briskly for 1-2 minutes. Strain and cool. Place clean and cool crickets on a cookie sheet and bake at 300 degrees for 45 minutes.

Remove antennae and legs gently; they fall off easily. Crush collected crickets using a rolling pin or mortar and pestle until they are ground into small brown specks. Insufficient grinding will result in their small faces peering out at you from the batter L. Use flour in pancakes.

First Impressions

Crickets smell fishy—an aroma no doubt exacerbated by their placement in my local pet shop in thick plastic bins against a backdrop of blue fish tanks. In an effort to outwit my better instincts I told myself that the shrimp-like aroma wafting from my hotcakes was actually almonds.

Taste

Crickets taste like almonds, if you think of almonds, and shrimp if you think of anything other than almonds. This flavor is subtle, but when you place it in a pancake drenched in syrup, it becomes amplified. I recommend incorporating the cricket flour into a savory pastry, instead. Like nuts, they add a satisfying crunch.

Day 2: Mealworm Fries

Nutritional Facts: a single mealworm can be broken down as 10.63% protein, 3.1% fiber, 420 ppm calcium, and 10.01% fat.

Ingredients:

1 fresh Idaho potato (russet)
2 dozen mealworms—boiled
1 cup chopped scallions

Directions

Place mealworms in the freezer for at least one hour. Remove from freezer and boil two minutes. Slice your russet lengthwise into long slender sticks, skin on. Heat oil in a deep pan. Drop fries, meal worms, and scallions in together. Fry until worms and potatoes are golden brown. Remove and season with sea salt, chili powder, and cayenne pepper to taste.

First Impressions

Mealworms aren’t exactly protein-packed and iron-stacked compared to beef, but they occupy only half-an-inch of space and require virtually no resources. Also, the little plastic container mine came in is totally recyclable, and they stiffen in the freezer, so handling them doesn’t feel perverse at all.

Taste

Everything tastes good fried, and mealworms are no exception. The deep fry and the cayenne really mask any potentially off-putting flavor, but the worms themselves have virtually no odor before you cook them, and they become light and crunchy afterward, perfectly complementing the soft insides of the potato. This was also one of the quickest-to-cook meals on my menu, which gives it bonus points.

Day 3: Mice Pie

Nutritional facts: Mice are 55% protein and 19% fat, according to feline-nutrition.org. Which, incidentally, has one of the most wonderful website banners I’ve ever seen. Seriously, just go check that thing out.

Ingredients:

4 dead, flayed, skinned, and boiled mice

2 boiled potatoes

¼  cup of shredded cheddar cheese

½ cup of mixed veggies (in my case, from a can)

Directions:

Learn quickly why beef and poultry are excessively processed and packaged (without their heads) by attempting to remove the innards from a distressingly soft, malleable creature that reminds you of how much you once loved Fievel.

Once you’ve carefully removed the salvageable sections of mouse meat located mostly around the hindquarters (use clean nail scissors if your household utensil selection isn’t equipped for gutting rodents), toss the scraps in boiling water while you prep your shepherd’s pie (boil taters, shred cheese, open the veggie can—it’s not rocket science). Bake all ingredients together for 30 minutes at 375 degrees.

First Impressions

Ideally, you should buy your mouse alive from a pet food store. Do NOT, under any circumstances, buy a mouse bred to be a pet for your pie. When I tried to do that the lady at the store told me pet mice are “pumped full of antibiotics” and will kill whatever animal you feed them to. Those words of wisdom may have saved my life.

Unfortunately, many pet stores don’t carry live feeder mice. Mine didn’t, and I had to scramble for a substitute. I’d read catching and eating the wild mice that run through walls and grassy fields is unwise because there’s no telling what they’ve eaten, so I decided to try a favored alternative: Arctic mice.

I chose to ignore the ominous “not safe for human consumption” label on the little blue box of dead mice the pet store kept in a subtle mini-fridge next to the bearded lizard’s aquarium. The frozen mouse company doesn’t want to be responsible for my choices, but those little guys were raised in a sterile lab, which is more than you can say for your average chicken nugget.

Taste

You want to believe that mice taste “just like pork!” But they don’t. Considering how little I managed to salvage from their sad small bones, the flavor of my mice was potent, almost gamey, and much more like an overripe rabbit than a pig, which makes sense, really.

I spent most of the night afraid I was dying of a zoological disease, a dire consequence according to the box. I could taste mouse in the back of my teeth throughout the next day.

Day 4: Banana Worm Muffins

Ingredients

½ cup shortening
¾ cup sugar
2 bananas, mashed
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
½ cup chopped walnuts
2 eggs
¼ cup dry-roasted mealworms

Directions

Mix all ingredients in a large bowl. Bake in greased cupcake pan at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

First impressions

Banana muffins are easy as hell to make, and adding worms is quick. This time I bought the “giant” ones instead of just large. If I had planned ahead, I probably would have done it the other way around (XXL meal worms work better next to fries).

Taste

Banana worm muffins are surprisingly delicious. Mine were a bit dry because I let them stay in the oven for a full hour, which is what the original recipe called for. Stick to my abbreviated cook time, and you’ll love them. All banana flavor, no wormy texture. Will keep you full all morning.

Day 5: Battered and Fried Minnows

Nutritional facts: Similar to silversides, but packed with protein (especially by comparison to other fish). Minnows can be eaten whole, so that’s what I did.

Ingredients

1 dozen live minnows

Equal parts flour and cornmeal (enough to dredge each minnow completely)

Vegetable oil

Directions

According to Craig, my friendly bait slinging salesman, minnows’ lives are best ended by adding salt to their water. This seems intuitive, but wasn’t all that efficient. My minnows persevered, and started doing this creepy lunging thing like they were eating the insides of the Styrofoam bucket. Or their fallen comrades.

I wanted to put them out of their misery as soon as possible, so I dumped them into a strainer, covered it with a plate, and plugged my ears while they flopped their way to suffocation. I recommend cutting to the chase and killing them in this fashion sooner than later.

Once the minnows are dead, rinse them off in cool water and dredge them in the combination of flour and cornmeal you’ve prepared and set aside in a nearby bowl. Heat oil in a deep pan, and drop the minnows in a fryer until they are golden brown. I let mine get extra crispy, which turned out to be a good choice.

First Impressions

By mid-week my enthused confidence had waned. People, I thought, aren’t going to eat these recipes if they require Little House on the Prairie-style prep time. An exaggerated analogy, maybe, but one that our microwave-meal culture legitimizes (in 2009 sustainable food firebrand Michael Pollan wrote, “the average American spends a mere 27 minutes a day on food preparation”). My deep-fried minnows were a well-timed reminder of how simple it can be to create new cooking habits. If I had known in advance the most efficient way to kill them, I would have discovered a meal that required less time and attention than boxed mac and cheese.

Taste

About halfway through I ate one that actually tasted fishy. It unsettled me, and sent me down a dark path of thinking about eyeballs and fragile fish bones. Up until that moment I had considered this meal downright delicious.

Crisp and hot. Pairs well with beer.

Days 6: Cricket Pad Thai

Ingredients:

4 oz rice stick noodles
3 tablespoons fish sauce
1 tablespoons soy sauce
3 tablespoons fresh squeezed lime juice
2 tsp. sugar
Peanut oil
1 cup crickets
2 cloves of garlic
2 eggs, beaten
¼ cup scallions, finely chopped
1 cup bean sprouts
¼ cup fresh cilantro (cilantro tastes like soap, but if you like it…)
Crushed peanuts to taste

Directions

Combine fish sauce, soy sauce, lime juice, and sugar in a bowl and mix. Heat peanut oil in a wok or skillet, and cook the crickets over medium-high heat. Scramble the eggs on the other side of the wok. Remove crickets and eggs and set aside. Add garlic and scallions and fry briefly.

Add sauce mixture, crickets, and eggs back into the wok and warm thoroughly. Cook rice noodles for about ten minutes in boiling water. Remove and drain noodles, and add to wok or skillet. Add bean sprouts and toss thoroughly, top with peanuts and cilantro.

First impressions

By day six, I’d become so old hat at buying crickets that when the kid behind the counter asked me if I wanted “cardboard or paper for these” I knew exactly what he meant and what my answer would be. (Pro tip: cardboard gives the crickets something to cling to so they don’t jump around the bag and give you the creeps.)

Actual Taste

This was the meal I was most looking forward to, and I blew it. I was expecting the fishy flavor of the crickets to pair well with this classic dish, and I’m sure it would have. My first bite was overpowering and salty, and at first I thought the soy sauce was the culprit. It turns out that peanut oil isn’t exactly like every other oil. I didn’t see it burning, but it was. A disappointment, but also the reason I’ll probably revisit eating crickets after this experiment has ended.

Day 7: Chocolate-Covered Crickets

Ingredients:

Semi-sweetened chocolate chips for baking

Crickets

Directions:

Take roasted crickets (like the ones used in the cricket flour), and dip those fellas in melted chocolate.

First Impressions

Day seven happened to land on my birthday, so I thought I’d treat myself to something sweet. Chocolate, much like fryer grease, can make anything delicious.

Taste

Yes. The chocolate somehow divested the crickets of their evil shrimp-like powers and turned them back into crunchy almonds again. The perfect way to end my diet.

Conclusion

Eating mice, bugs, and worms isn’t as bad as our first-world privilege would lead us to believe. If you have the right recipes, it can be downright delicious—even healthy. Over the course of my weeklong diet I lost 3.5 pounds. My energy level actually improved over the course of the experiment, and I didn’t experience nausea or any other forms of sickness.

Unfortunately, we’ve all inherited the habits built by a long and thoughtless series of unsustainable choices. The great cheeseburger gravy train established generations ago is pulling into the station as I write, and probably won’t be around for our children—who would do well to develop a taste for alternative meats at an early age. While the deeply flawed system wasn’t our doing, the burden of fixing it is on us, and replacing a couple of meals per day with some tasty bugs might not be the worst place to start.

Obligatory disclaimer: Consult your doctor before eating weird stuff from pet stores.

Prior to her death at the tender age of 115, Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper was the world's oldest woman. Recently, scientists had the opportunity to study her blood — and what they discovered could have serious implications to the future of rejuvenation therapies.

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