Erika Peterson

Dear Mary, 26 May 2013:

I’m really confused right now and as I can’t talk to anybody else I’m trying the anonymity of the news paper. I have a relatively new girlfriend – it’s only a few months since we got together – and as a result of her having a virus, and vomiting all the time, the Pill wasn’t effective, and now she is pregnant. She wants to have an abortion because she says we don’t know each other well enough to be parents, and I can’t think of anything worse than aborting an unborn child. All the controversy going on right now doesn’t help, and I am at my wit’s end. None of our parents has a clue as to what is really going on. I’m in my late 20s and she is a few years younger. What are your thoughts?

Dear Anonymous,

Unlike you, I can think of something worse than aborting an unborn child: a woman who is unwilling to put her health and future at risk and commit to 18 years of parenthood with a near-stranger so that a grown-ass man doesn’t ever have to feel confused or sad about a decision he will never have to make for himself.

What an awful position you’re in, being physically unable to be pregnant and yet knowing exactly what pregnancy is like, and specifically what your girlfriend should do about hers! So many pregnant people experience complicated emotions about unplanned pregnancy and bodily autonomy, while you’re cursed with the absolute knowledge of what’s best for all pregnancies, if only everyone would just listen to your penisfeels for a minute.

But you’re helpless to force every pregnant person ever to carry every pregnancy to term, which is the right thing to do because you personally can’t imagine anything worse than something you literally cannot imagine because it literally will never happen to your body. O, cruel fate!

What can you do? Make a lot of frowns at your girlfriend so she sees how sad you will be if she doesn’t spend the next nine months, and potentially 18 subsequent years, attending to your emotional wellbeing, the most delicate and precious thing on the earth (besides zygotes).

Where do we get one of these?!

Kate McKinnon seems like a doll and in this clip, Ellen is a really good sport.

The post Ellen Watches ‘SNL’s Kate McKinnon Do Her Best Impersonation Of Ellen appeared first on HelloGiggles.

photos/post/graphic design: Kristin Ess

The shorties have spoken! Here’s a tutorial for all the lobs + bobs out there. We HAD to hit up our favorite songstress Alison Sudol to be in this tutorial because she recently went shorter, and like many of you she mentioned that she has a hard time doing pretty updos. This one’s fairly simple if you know how to french braid. If you don’t, better click here and learn that first! If you do know how to french braid, grab some bobby pins + hairspray because here we go!

1. Start with clean, dry hair.
2. Part your hair all the way around in a big horseshoe shape about 1- 1 1/2 inches above your ear. Clip that section up.
3. French braid both sides and get them to meet in the middle in the back of your head. Take both of the loose ends and make a teeny tiny bun. If you need hairspray to make the bun stay, give it a little shot and then bobby pin. It’s TOTALLY okay if it’s a bit messy. It’s going to get covered up anyway.
4. Let down all the hair from the section on top and take a bit of texturizing spray to it (we used THIS ONE which is a bit expensive, but you could also use THIS ONE which I also love!).
5. Tease the crown area for some volume and then smooth it over with your comb.
6. Give the top layer a light veil of hairspray.
7. Now start twisting the sides back as you see Ali doing in photo 7. Pin the twist to the braid as you go. NOTE: That’s the whole point of the braid! You’re using it to secure the hair! That’s the trick to getting short hair “up”, otherwise everything tends to fall out or not reach.
8. Repeat the same twist + pin method to the other side. Secure the twist by pinning it to the braid as you go.
9. Once both sections reach the back, roll those two “tails” you have left over from the twists. I prefer to roll upward, but you can roll sideways or down if you prefer. Just be sure to check your work in the mirror as you go. Look at it from the front, the back and the side to make sure it looks balanced! If you have a hard time rolling the leftover pieces (aka: if they’re too short) you can always just tuck them into the braid. If the hair is too soft, spray it a little with some hairspray. YOU CAN DO IT!
10. Once you’re done, give it a good veil of a strong-hold hairspray. You know my FAVORITE.

We’ll try and do more updos for short hair! We hear you + we know you want them! If you try this, please let us know how it went for you via instagram @thebeautydept! Good luck! xo

Dick Sleeves No.17

Juggalo’s Surrender by Jeffrey Anne Durango

NYT, Social Q’s, 24 May 2013:

Our group of close friends has spent the last few years attending one another’s weddings. We all give gifts to the newlyweds, except for one couple who hasn’t given gifts to anyone. Now the nongivers are getting married. Some of us do not want to gift them at all, whereas others think a more modest than normal gift is in order. What do you think? - Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It sounds to me like these non-givers are completely missing the point of getting married, which is to receive household items and cash. They may be misguided, believing that marriages are about celebrating a couple committing their lives to each other, or they may be malevolent, dooming their friends’ unions to sure destruction by depriving them of tea towels, the literal fabric that holds marriages together.

Or, it may be that the cost of attending several weddings in a short time period makes it financially difficult for this couple to buy a gift on top of funding their attendance, but I don’t see how a little electricity, or dinner or diapers, is more important than the sterling silver Crate & Barrel salt shakers you’ve all earned by falling in love with another human being and declaring it publicly.

Healthy friendships are built on well orchestrated passive aggressive punishments tailored specially for the people you care about most. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that everyone does it in a way that your friends will sort of notice but that you can all sort of deny doing later, that way you can all quietly judge-and-jury each other for the rest of your incredibly fulfilled lives.

DIY Know Your Shoes Guide from Enerie here. My favorite shoes aren’t listed yet - Louis Heels which were popular in the 1920s. First seen at inspiration & realisation’s Facebook page.

Our friends over at Trekcore have been posting some fun found footage from recovered workprint VHS tapes of TNG - lots of extended scenes, scenes without visual effects, etc.

This one was brought to our attention by Aaron because of the above costumes - obviously these are PRIMO Power Rangers in Space unitards, with the pink ranger following the Deanna Troi trend of a vagina arrow. Hop over to the Trekcore post to see some more details on these almost-lost treasures of costume design.

veganfeast:

mika-sama:

elizabeth-antoinette:

raincityvegan:

• Massage Oil – Coconut oil soothes tired and sore muscles. Add a few drops of essential oils for more effect.
• Athletes Foot – The powerful antifungal properties of coconut oil make it perfect for any fungal infection. Add a few drops of oregano or tea tree oil for more antifungal power.
• Acne – Coconut oil gently fights the bacteria that cause acne. Dab it directly on the offending pimples and watch them shrink.
• Cleanser – Coconut oil makes an effective and gentle cleanser to remove the grime of the day.
• Lice – Coconut oil kills and removes this pesky problem.
• Stretch Marks – Prevent and soften stretch marks from pregnancy with coconut oil for soft and supple skin.
• Warts and Moles – Rub oil into area and cover with a bandage. Rub in fresh oil and place a new bandage each day.
• Moisturizer – Coconut oil is an excellent way to soften and hydrate dry, rough, or damaged skin.
• Face Scrub – Mix coconut oil with baking soda, sugar, or cinnamon and oatmeal for the perfect face scrub and exfoliator.
• Dandruff – Massage coconut oil into the scalp to ease symptoms of dandruff, both itching and flaking.
• Curb Appetite – Take a spoonful before meals to curb appetite so you don’t overeat.
• Wrinkles – Rub into lines, creases, and wrinkles to rehydrate skin and soften those wrinkles away.
• Sore Throat – Dissolve a spoonful in your mouth and let it slowly roll down the throat. This will coat and protect the throat, boost the health of mucus membranes, and fight any infection.
• Ring Worm – Rub coconut oil onto affected area to kill the fungus that causes unsightly ringworm. Add tea tree oil to clear the infection even faster.
• Lip Balm – Coconut oil hydrates and protects lips. Coconut even offers some protection from the sun, about an SPF 4.
• Cold Sore – Coconut oil has antiviral properties that will help the body get rid of the virus that causes cold sores. Rub it on when needed and add a drop of oregano oil to speed healing.
• Lubricant – Coconut makes an all-natural personal lubricant for intimate moments without chemicals.
• Gum Removal – Coconut oil gets the sticky stuff out of hair, carpet, and anywhere else it doesn’t belong.
• Pet Health – Coconut oil can do a multitude of things for pets, both topically and internally. It improves breath, makes for a shiny coat, eases joint problems, cleans ears, gets rid of fleas, and much more.
• Stys/Pink Eye – Rub a small amount of coconut oil on the sty or around the eyes to get rid of these painful and annoying infections quickly.
• Earaches – Earaches, swimmer’s ear, and ear infections clear up fast with a few drops of coconut oil mixed with garlic oil.
• Cradle Cap – Coconut oil is gentle and safe for infants and helps ease the itching, pain, redness, and flaking associated with cradle cap.
• Diaper Rash – Coconut oil can help heal mild diaper rash gently and effectively.
• Bruises – Rub coconut oil into bruised skin to speed healing and watch the bruises fade fast.
• Age Spots – Coconut oil has beneficial effects on any skin blemish. Use it to help fade age spots with powerful antioxidants.
• Shaving Cream – Coconut oil keeps the razor gliding smoothly while leaving skin smooth and soft.
• After Shave – Don’t want unpleasant bumps and rashes after shaving? Coconut oil soothes sensitive skin and promotes healing.
• Toothpaste – Mix 1 part coconut oil with 1 part baking soda and add a couple drops of peppermint oil. This makes a refreshing, natural toothpaste that whitens and cleans without added preservatives, fluoride, sweeteners, or other chemicals.
• Chicken Pox – Ease the itch and encourage healing with dabs of coconut oil. It also works on poison ivy, poison oak, mosquito bites, and other insect stings or bites.
• Yeast Infections – Coconut oil fights these fungal infections internally and externally.
• Makeup Remover – Coconut oil removes oil-based makeup easily, like mascara. It cleans, hydrates, and makes skin glow.
• Conditioner – Coconut oil conditions, strengthens, and repairs hair. Massage it in and rinse it out after ten minutes. A small amount can be rubbed in to dry hair to tame frizz.
• Polish Furniture – Coconut oil gives a protective shine to wood furniture. Just make sure you test it out on a small area to make sure you like the outcome.
• Energy – Coconut oil and its medium chain triglycerides make it an excellent energy source to improve stamina, endurance, or just to give you a boost through the day.
• Deodorant – Mix coconut oil with cornstarch, baking soda, and your favorite essential oils for a natural deodorant that smells fantastic.
• Eye Cream – Reduce puffiness and dark circles with a few dabs of coconut oil.
• Eczema – Coconut oil reduces the itchiness, pain, flakiness, and dryness of eczema, psoriasis, and dermatitis.
• Sunburn – Coconut oil can help prevent sunburn for short exposures. When you burn, it will also speed healing and take some of the sting away. Make sure you wait until all the heat has dissipated before applying it or you trap the heat in. Wait 24 to 72 hours depending on the extent of the burn.
• Hemorrhoids – Coconut oil eases the pain and discomfort of hemorrhoids and encourages natural healing both internally and externally.
• Nose Bleeds – Rub a bit of coconut oil in nostrils to fight the dry cracking that can lead to nose bleeds and pain.
• Canker Sores – Dab coconut oil on canker sores to kill infection and speed up healing. Coconut oil is also a far tastier way to treat canker sores than most other methods.
• Toothaches – Coconut oil eases the pain and strengthens teeth. You can mix it with a drop of clove oil to almost instantly relieve pain.
• Acid Reflux – Take a small spoonful with meals to keep acid reflux and heartburn at bay.
• Urinary Tract – Treat urinary tract infections with a spoonful of coconut oil. It may even ease the painful passing of kidney stones.
• Nursing – Coconut oil works great to repair dry, cracked skin, including sore nipples from nursing.
• Alzheimer’s – Some research points to coconut oil as a way to slow the progression of or prevent Alzheimer’s and dementia.
• Bones – Coconut oil aids the body in the absorption of calcium and magnesium. Both minerals are important for strong bones and teeth.
• Epilepsy – Coconut oil may reduce the incidence and intensity of epileptic seizures.
• Fitness – Coconut oil boosts energy, increases metabolism, improves thyroid function, and aids healthy weight loss. It is the perfect addition to any workout or fitness regimen.
• Cooking – Coconut oil doesn’t form harmful by-products when heated like most other oils and animal fats. Use it to replace butter, cup for cup in recipes. Sauté, cook, bake, broil, braise, and more using coconut oil as a healthier alternative.

Coconut oil is the only thing I use for literally everything. Great post to bookmark for future reference!

Things to try!

E is obsessed.

Hosting a party? You’ll probably need a hairstyle that will hold up while you finish prepping the party for your guests. Now before you get intimidated and RUN from these 25 (which seems like a lot) steps, just know that most of theses steps are broken down into serious detail. It’s not that crazy, I promise. To duplicate this look, you’ll want to actually see the intricate details because that’s what makes this look so special. It shouldn’t take you more than 15-20 min to do after you’ve waved your hair. This looks extra-romantic when done on naturally curly or wavy hair–it also saves a lot of time! Ok, here goes!

You will need: a beach spray, a light holding “flexible” hairspray, a comb, a 1″ barell curling iron, bobby pins, 1 clear elastic, a blowdryer and a soft detangling brush.

1. Start with clean dry hair. (If you have naturally curly or wavy hair, you can skip down to step 10.)
2. Spray some beach wave spray at the root all over. This will help add texture and volume.
3. Once you’ve applied beach spray to your root, heat it up with a blowdryer. (Oops- accidentally cut most of the blowdryer out of this photo, but that’s what’s happening.)
4. Now apply a thin layer of flexible hairspray all over. Try to use something that’s also a heat protectant if possible.
5. Gently brush the hair out using a soft brush.
6. Leaving the ends out, curl your hair all over.
7. Here’s an extra visual of curling with the ends out.
8. Tease the crown for a little volume.
9. Smooth it over.
10. Take the bottom section of your hair and make a low loop using a clear elastic. Pull the ends around and mess it up a little. Then give it a light spray with hairspray.
11. Take two pieces above that and twist them backward (inward toward each other).
12. Now tie them together right above the clear elastic.
13. Pin them together and then pin it to your clear elastic.
14. Do another twist and tie right above that.
15. Pin that together as well.
16. If you have extra loose pieces, you can twist them and weave them through.
17. Here’s an illustrated shot so you can see where the hair is weaved through.
18. Braid a piece on the left side and pin.
19. Braid a piece on the right side and pin.
20. Take the remaining sections in front and lightly tease. If your hair is naturally curly, don’t tease it here!
21. Twist the hair and pull out a couple fine strands as you twist.
22. Pull that section back.
23. Pin it.
24. Lightly tease the bottom of the ponytail part for a little extra texture. Again, don’t tease here if your hair is naturally curly.
25. Spray all over with a finishing hairspray.

If you do this and you Instagram it, please tag us @thebeautydept! We would love to see your final result. Remember– don’t try too hard. This hairstyle should be loose and flow-y, not too tight. xo

Post + Photography by Amy Nadine, Graphic Design by Eunice Chun

I created this simple tutorial for a few reasons:

1. I want to make sure that when you highlight your brow bone, you highlight underneath the entire brow, not just the outer half of it (so you “lift” up the whole brow),
2. To gently encourage you to use a matte light pink kohl pencil instead of a white shimmery shadow (that is distracting and defeats the purpose),
3. And to remind you that brightening the brow bone shouldn’t be detectable; it’s an illusion that draws light to the area and creates the appearance of lifting the brow, simple as that. So blend blend blend!

Here’s how: 

TOOL:

A Light Pink Matte Pencil — my favorites are Damone Roberts Highlighter in Pink-a Boo (as seen above) and Benefit High Brow Pencil.

STEPS:

1. Start at the inner corner of the brow and draw a line directly under it all the way to the outer corner.
2. Blend the product into the skin with your finger. If you blended too much, go back and repeat both steps. You should blend enough where you don’t see the line anymore but not too much that it’s not effective.

LOL

#bestever

Post + Photography by Amy Nadine, Graphic Design by Eunice Chun

This is a simple but powerful trick that even I didn’t learn until 8 years into my makeup career! I’ve shown you how to wet the brush for a more intense eye shadow in our Wet Shadow Video Tutorial, but now I’m suggesting if you want a really strong drawn-on retro brow with sharp edges, try dampening your brow brush before dipping it into the shadow. Here’s how: 

TOOLS:

• A Matte Eyeshadow — Pick a shade that is the same color as your brow hair, or if you really want to go bold, try one shade darker. I’m obsessed with Stila In The Know Palette of all matte colors and have found the Earth shade is a perfect for drawing in a strong brow.
• A Stiff Angled Brow Brush — Most brow brushes have stiff and dense bristles that are slanted but my favorite is the Laura Mercier Brow Brush.

STEPS:

1. Dip the end of the brush into running water (or a small cup of water).
2. Sweep the dampened brush directly into the eyeshadow.
3. Draw a quick swipes on the back of your hand. Like I always say, any makeup brushes with cream or wet products on them HAVE to first go through the back of your hand before they can go anywhere near your face! This will smooth out any clumps and give you a more even application.
4. Fill in your brow. Revisit my Brow Guidance Tutorial for help with shape.
5. If there are any uneven spots, smooth them out with a Q-tip.

You probably heard some of these, maybe all. I thought about stories that touched me or made a big impression and that came from Zen or Taoists masters. Here are the eight I compiled. Do you have others you like, that inspire you?

How Fast Can I Learn?

A martial arts student went to a teacher and declared he wanted to learn the system, he was devoted and ready. How long would it take? The teacher replied: “Ten years.”

The student, a bit impatient and not satisfied with the answer went ahead and said: But I want to master it faster than that, I will work every hard, practice 10 or more hours a day if necessary. How long would it THEN take? The teacher replied: “Twenty years.”

I Left Her At The River

A senior and junior monk are walking down a path together and they come to a river with a strong current. As they prepare to cross they see a young, beautiful woman in need of help to brave the waters. She notices the monks and asks for help. The senior monk carries the woman on his shoulder and lets her gently down on the other bank. They part ways. The junior monk is upset.

Hours go by and the senior monk noticing the discomfort on the younger monk asks: Is something in your mind? The junior monk says: “As monks we are not permitted to touch a woman, how could you carry her across the river?” – The senior monk replies: “I left the woman hours ago at the bank, however, you seem to still be carrying her”.

Must remember to leave her at the river. / Shutterstock

The Difference Between Pain and Suffering

There is a Buddhist teaching that says that when you get hurt, say, by an arrow, that is pain. The arrow hitting your arm, it hurts. Pain. However, there is a second arrow, which is your reaction to the arrow, the getting angry, the planning revenge, that is beyond pain, that is suffering.

Is That So?

I learned this story from A New Earth, Tolle’s book, which I keep reading and re-reading:

There was a zen master who enjoyed a good reputation in his community. One day the neighbors came to his door enraged and furious, accusing him of having fathered the child that their teenager was about to bear.

The zen master said: “Is That So”? The rumors ran wild and the master lost his reputation. A few months later the child was born and the baby was brought to the zen master, who accepted and cared for him or her.

A year later the daughter of the neighbors admitted that the father was actually the butcher of the town. The parents, mortified, went back to the Zen master’s house and confessed, apologized and asked for the child back. The zen master said: Is that so? – then returned the baby.

Nobody In The Boat

The Taoists have a famous teaching about an empty boat that rams into your boat in the middle of a river. While you probably wouldn’t be angry at an empty boat, you might well become enraged if someone were at its helm.

The point of the story is that the parents who didn’t see you, the other kids who teased you as a child, the driver who aggressively tailgated you yesterday – are all in fact empty, rudderless boats. They were compulsively driven to act as they did by their own unexamined wounds, therefore they did not know what they were doing and had little control over it.

Shutterstock

Just as an empty boat that rams into us isn’t targeting us, so too people who act unkindly are driven along by the unconscious force of their own wounding and pain.

Until we realize this, we will remain prisoners of our grievance, our past, and our victim identity, all of which keep us from opening to the more powerful currents of life and love that are always flowing through the present moment.

Archery

A Zen Master observing students at archery practice notices one of them who is consistently missing the mark, and says: “It is his desire to win that drains him of power.”

Psychiatry

Upon meeting a Zen master at a social event, a psychiatrist decided to ask him a question that had been on his mind. “Exactly how do you help people?” he asked.
“I get them where they can’t ask any more questions,” the Master answered.

Moving to a New City

I heard this one a long time ago.

There was a person coming to a new village, relocating, and he was wondering if he would like it there, so he went to the zen master and asked: do you think I will like it in this village? Are the people nice?

The master asked back: How were the people on the town where you come from? “They were nasty and greedy, they were angry and lived for cheating and stealing,” said the newcomer.

Those are exactly the type of people we have in this village, said the master.

Shutterstock

Another newcomer to the village visited the master and asked the same question, to which the master asked: How were the people in the town where you come from? “They were sweet and lived in harmony, they cared for one another and for the land, they respected each other and they were seekers of spirit,” he replied.

Those are exactly the type of people we have in this village, said the master.

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Kelly Kapowski was fabulous. Every high school in America has a “Kelly Kapowski,” and you probably hated the K. Pow at your school. Beautiful, the most popular girl in your zip code, head of the cheerleading squad plus captain of the volleyball, swim and softball teams, and dating the hottest guy in the school. Can you please stop being so amazing for like 4 seconds? Jesus. With the recent nostalgia for all things 90s, it’s hard to believe that Saved By The Bell only ran from 1989 to 1993. I guess it makes sense that the show would only run four years given that it’s about high school, and what message would the network be sending to America’s Children if people stayed in high school longer than four years?

Even though the show stretched into the early 90s, style-wise it’s still a show about the late 80s. People make fun of 80s fashion, but it was kind of amazing. Here are 10 very important retro style lessons from Kelly Kapowski herself.

1. Polka Dots Are Amazing.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

If you really want to make a unique style statement, the next time you work a room throw on some vibrant-ass polka dots. You’ll really lift your body off the page!

2. It Is Perfectly Okay To Wear Skimpy Tops Out In Society.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

If you’ve got it, flaunt it sister girl! But never just wear a skimpy top on it’s own. Layer it with something else so you don’t come off like the village harlot or something like that. You don’t want people to get the wrong idea.

3. Like so!

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

See what she did there?

4. Swimsuits Are Fine, Too.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

Preferably a one-piece, to really accentuate your bangin’ bod.

5. A Pop Of Color Is Always Nice.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

Floral is nice, too! But not too much. Show some skin to break it up.

6. Always Keep Your Shoulders Exposed.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

Why cover those things up? Let them out!

7. Wear Your Sweaters Off The Shoulder.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

Wearing your sweater off the shoulder has to feel playful and effortless, like “Would you look at that. My sweater has fallen off! Hehehe.”

8. Suspenders Are Key.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

Most importantly, if you wear a pair of suspenders with a skimpy top, it still counts as layering!

9. Keep That Hair Teased To Eternity.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

But try to avoid using too much hair product.

10. And When You Feel Like Your Hair Is Teased Enough, Tease It Just A Little More.

Saved By the Bell : Seasons 1,2,3,4,5 Complete Series

The higher the bang, the closer to God.

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Check out Madison’s eBook, “How To Be Beyonce,” here.

1. The test audience that viewed the pilot was less than impressed: they classified the show as being “weak.” This happened a few months before the first episode aired… so either major changes were made, or they asked a new test audience. Either way, I’d love to know how those original critics feel now…

2. There were a number of different titles that were in question for the series. Some being: “Friends Like These,” “Six of One,” “Across the Hall,” “Friends Like Us,” and “Insomnia Café.” They went the simple, one-word route.

3. The first pilot was originally called “The Pilot,” as most series title their first episode. However, in keeping with naming all of the episodes “The One…” they changed it to “The One Where It All Began.” The only exception to this was the very last episode, which was called “The Last One.”

4. Courteney Cox was originally supposed to play Rachel, but it was decided that she’d be better off as Monica.

5. Three Simpsons cast members made regular appearances throughout the series: Dan Castellaneta, Hank Azaria and Harry Shearer.

6. When the cast got their first paychecks, Courteney Cox bought a car, and Matt LeBlanc bought a hot dinner. When he auditioned for the show, he was broke.

7. Joey’s “how you doin’?” pickup line ranked fourth in TV Guide’s “Top 20 TV Catchphrases” in 2005.

8. Courteney Cox was pregnant in the last few months of shooting the series, but they covered it up well, as Monica wasn’t.

9. Joey played Dr. Drake Ramoray in a fictional version of Days of our Lives. Jennifer Aniston’s dad, John, is on the actual Days of our Lives.

10. Chandler got his first on-screen kiss from Jill Goodacre Connick. She is married to Harry Connick, who starred in Independence Day 4 as Will Smith’s friend who dies in the first air battle. That role was originally offered to Matthew Perry.

11. The series was filmed on the same sound stage that was used for filming some of Full House. The pilot was shot on the same stage that was also used for Everybody Loves Raymond.

12. The Central Perk set is still together and can be visited at Warner Brothers’ Studios in L.A.

You should like Thought Catalog on Facebook here.

cat + vacuum

omg. that’s it. I can’t.

I fill out most of the form on autopilot with a pen that has been Scotch taped to the string tied to this clipboard. Name. Birth date. Address. Phone number. Email address (optional). Social Security Number. Then I hit a hiccup:

Marital Status:  Single   Married   Divorced   Separated   Widowed

Wait… I run my pen over the options and have to go back to the beginning. None of these is me! Haven’t they forgotten one? It always takes a second for me to remember what I’m supposed to circle.

I am “Single” in the eyes of the government, of the law, of the creepy guys at the bar who say, “No ring, fair game!” — and in the eyes of this doctor’s office. That I live with my boyfriend of over a year is completely irrelevant. (To them. Not to me… Hi, babe!) So I go to circle “Single” and actually feel a little bit guilty about it, as if my boyfriend would be offended. As a compromise (with my conscience), I make a wobbly circle around “Single” that includes the first half of the “Married” option, as if that somehow indicates how seriously I take my relationship, or that I’m even in a relationship at all. Like the doctor is going to look at that little, oblong, errant circle and go, “Ah. Someone actually loves her. Maybe I’ll try to doctor her better so she doesn’t die.”

The demographic label for my situation is “Single, Cohabitating,” which I think makes me sound like a test subject that lives in an apartment with all glass walls and a couple other confused people who all have to wear soft hospital-gown onesies and no shoes as we’re watched by scientists 24/7. “These specimens? They’re single, cohabitating 20-somethings. Don’t tap on the glass.” I admit that “Single, but in a Mutually Beneficial, Rewarding, Long-Term Relationship with a Promising Future” is a little wordy to put on the forms I apparently have to fill out every fucking time I go to the gynecologist. (Seriously, what is up with that?)

Lately, I’ve been reading everything I can about this demographic. Call it research or navel-gazing, but whatever it is, it hasn’t yielded all that much information, to be honest. Or rather, the information about those of us who are single and cohabitating (or “single, committed”) in our 20s seems to be more defined by what we are not. We are not unattached and looking for love, online or otherwise. We are not married. We are not getting married. We are not single parents. We are an in between, transitional entity, on our way to permanence or dissolution…aren’t we?

Perhaps our seemingly temporary status is why we’re glossed over in media portrayals. Long-term and/or cohabitating relationships are not inherently dramatic. No one is coming together or bouncing back apart. No one is making any life changing decisions for the better or worse. Things are stable, sustained. It’s not too interesting to watch a couple eat popcorn and pay the electric bill. (I suppose you rarely see a happily married couple, or a happily single person either, to be fair.)

Additionally, how many blogs and websites and magazines and books out there center on meeting people and dating? How many are about getting married? How many are about improving and maintaining a happy marriage? How many are about parenting? All of these different life stages have specific cultures built around them. There is literature. There are resources. There are processes and expectations and outlets to turn to when you fail, or to help you succeed, or — at the very least — there are accounts of the experiences of others to make you feel like you’re part of a community. But there’s a gap in the knowledge: “This is how you pick the right person. This is how you get him/her to like you. This is how you make him/her your boy/girlfriend. (NEBULOUS TIME LAPSE.) This is how you plan a wedding…” Whoa! Back up, please. Life is not a Broadway musical; we can’t get married at the end of the show after meeting in some adorable, fated manner just 2 hours ago.

So what about the long-term relationship? What about that in between time? What about those who, like me, live with (or are otherwise seriously committed to) their significant other and either cannot or will not take the “next step” in the foreseeable future, but also are happy and have no desire to end the relationship? I feel like the only prominent advice out there is about keeping things interesting in bed (Um, pretty sure I shouldn’t put ice in there, but thanks, Cosmo!), and the only narratives we see are from people who are ending said nebulous time between committing to another person and marrying that person. Is this a new life stage, or is it just a necessary, temporary rung on the ladder that’s been getting, increasingly, further from the next rung, as many Americans are now delaying marriage longer than ever before? And regardless of the answer, how do we navigate− and enjoy and prosper in!− this new and expanding landscape?

Basically, where are the books that tell you how to not get married yet?

For millennials, it’s beginning to make sense to get married later in life, across economic and educational spectrums. This fantastic report from the National Marriage Project, as well as this article and this one from The Atlantic, give a pretty good snapshot of what is happening and why. With the emphasis, especially in trying economic times, on financial and career stability, more highly educated men and women are delaying marriage and child-bearing until they’re “settled” and independently successful. I really identified with the assertion that, as elegantly stated in the National Marriage Project Report, my generation thinks of marriage as a “capstone” rather than “cornerstone” of adulthood. Instead of getting married as a step to becoming a successful adult as in generations past, we think of it as the icing on the cake.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, women with less education and in lower income brackets are having children earlier, without necessarily bothering to get married, because they perceive diminishing returns. As the article above by Derek Thompson, “The Decline of Marriage and the Rise of Unwed Mothers: An Economic Mystery” points out that marriage is declining or maintaining across demographics but that, ”Marriage has declined the most among men whose wages have declined the most.” This means that women in a similar economic position don’t see the benefit of permanently tying themselves to someone who might end up a financial drain. Thomas explains:

“The development of time-saving technologies — cheap prepared foods, cheap clothes, machines to wash, dry, and vacuum — has not only encouraged more women to seek work, but also made it relatively easier for single parents to raise a child. Put starkly, technology makes it cheaper and easier than ever to be single. It makes marrying a financially unstable man even more risky.”

And again, if we’re waiting longer to get married — or just not getting married at all — then what are we doing? Faffing around? Serial dating? Crying and masturbating a lot more? The answer, I think, is that many of us are sliding into being “single, cohabitating” or “single, committed” for years, without the ability or intention of changing our relationship statuses — on Facebook or otherwise.

To say that our culture is wedding obsessed is an understatement. The wedding industry, which accounts for $40 billion (billion with a B!) per year in the U.S. alone has leaked into mainstream entertainment and created, I think, a gluttonous feedback loop: Watch brides pick out their dresses! (I have to buy a dress just as nice!) Watch brides change their minds! (It’s ok to buy a second dress…everybody does it!) Watch brides compete to see who has the “best” wedding! (I have to have the best wedding! Get me more white tigers and cupcake trees!) Watch brides finally get the chance to be the “princess” or “diva”! (I’m allowed to treat my bridesmaids, mother, mother-in-law, florist, and unfortunate future husband like they are meaningless pieces of dog shit because IT’S MY DAY, GODDAMNIT.) We produce what we consume, and we’re consuming expensive, ridiculous, theatrical weddings.

We see every plane that crashes on the news, so we tend to think that planes crash more often than they do. There is not a news day slow enough for an anchor to report, “American Airlines flight 453 touched down safely in Tampa today, 14 minutes ahead of schedule. Good job, everybody. Enjoy Tampa, I guess.” But thousands of flights do exactly that every day. Similarly, seeing weddingseverywhere can give you (or maybe just me) the impression that everyone is getting married. Everyone but you. (I even work as a social media consultant for a wedding photographer, so I am steeped in this stuff.)

Compounding that problem is Facebook. Literally everyone you know from high school is getting married. Even that dude that you thought, “Man, no one will ever touch that guy’s penis.” — he’s getting married. Again. Every time I see another blurry phone picture of someone’s engagement ring, or think, “Who the hell is…” and then click on the name of a girl who has changed her last name, I feel a slow, quiet, creeping panic: I’m falling behind.

It’s not that I even have a particular desire to get married at this point in my life; I just don’t want to lose. It’s that capstone vs. cornerstone thing again. My peers are capping off their adulthood; I am eating ramen in my pajamas and scraping mold off hamburger buns so I can eat those, too. My peers are buying cars and houses; my next dream purchase is an automatic cat toilet.

But of course, as the data I just cited explain, it’s not actually everyone — it’s just that all the people that are going to get married now are getting married now. And I have to see all of them on my newsfeed.

Which brings me back to one of my questions earlier: Am I “on deck”, or am I carving out a space with Joshua that’s separate from the marriage pipeline? Is cohabitation and/or long-term commitment still just a rung, or it’s own destination?

And I think, regardless of the answer, I need to embrace this period of my life and not treat it as a pit stop. And, like I said, I’m not sure that I have a model to do that. How do I not get married yet, but have a fulfilling and robust relationship? And do I care whether or not my relationship is in the pipeline or on the sideline? What does the answer to that change about how I live my life and love my boyfriend?

I would like to try to speak to this in a few (possibly many) posts, if you all think that might be interesting. Along the way, I would love to hear from others of you who are also single, cohabitating and single, committed. I’m interested in telling stories, offering anecdotes, sharing failures and frustrations, and generally just offering a window into how I (we) are navigating our life together.

Potential topics in the How To Not Get Married Yet series include:

• Forgiveness, Or: The Lease Isn’t Up Until August So We’d Better Get Over This Shit
• “If/When I/We Someday Maybe Have Kids…”: Talking About the Hypothetical Future Without Ruining Everything
• Can I Talk About My Poop Yet?: And Other Pressing Concerns About Boundaries
• Household Logistics: I Don’t Care About Gender Stereotypes, Just Take Out the Frickin Trash
• Why Exercise? You’re Not Not Gonna Sleep With Me: And Other Issues of Motivation
• Should I Be In This Picture? You’re Sure — ? Oh. Ok.: Navigating Family and “Family?”

What did I miss? Comments welcome! Stay tuned.

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