Join us THIS WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21 for three different ways to celebrate the creative works from 1930 and the sounds recordings from 1925 that have entered the public domain in the US:
10am PT – VIRTUAL party: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1977502652667
6pm PT – IN PERSON film screening & party at the Internet Archive: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1977503818153
7pm PT – LIVESTREAM film screening: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1980757251259
Aye, you know you can make it! #CowboyWho
Listen, brother, nearly 40% of all accidents represent nearly half of all accidents.
ARLINGTON, VA—In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the basement who didn’t get to have any food at all. “Think of the poor, famished children beneath these very floorboards who are forced to go days on end without food or water, and then see if you still don’t want to eat your broccoli,” said Miller, encouraging his son to listen to the cries of hunger emanating from the floor vents and imagine himself shackled in the dark alongside the malnourished children in the cellar. “Some kids from other countries, whom I have captured, are lucky to be fed one measly table scrap a day. You’re very lucky to live on the floor of the house that you do, rather than down below among Daddy’s prey. You could just as easily have been born in a much poorer place, in which case I’d only be feeding you to prolong the suffering. Now open up for the airplane.” At press time, sources confirmed Miller’s picky-eater son had been sent to the torture room without dessert.
The post Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement appeared first on The Onion.
GENEVA—In a recommendation of the time-honored method for relieving stress in overwhelming social situations, the World Health Organization released new guidelines Tuesday for the treatment of anxiety by sneaking off to do drugs in the bathroom. “Whether you’re feeling uncomfortable while out in public or in the home of a friend or relative, you can significantly mitigate symptoms by getting yourself to a quiet space, taking a deep breath, and blocking your emotions with pills, marijuana, or cocaine,” said WHO behavioral health epidemiologist Jen Pacheco, who explained that patients could further reduce anxiety by locating a restroom and planning which drugs to binge ahead of time. “We find that the majority of patients feel relief after just a couple lines of blow. Additionally, years of research has shown that it’s impossible to embarrass yourself during small talk if you’re smoking weed alone on the toilet. Just turn the fan on and focus on getting so fucking high that you forget about how everyone out there probably hates you.” The guidelines also advised anxiety sufferers to deal with the shame of their substance use by doing more drugs.
The post Anxiety Experts Recommend Sneaking Off To Do Drugs In Bathroom appeared first on The Onion.
LEAWOOD, KS—Stressing that he wouldn’t want his best bud to feel left out on such a special day, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly asked fiancée Taylor Swift this week if, during their upcoming wedding, his brother Jason could get married with them too. “It wouldn’t feel right if Jason wasn’t up there with us—maybe we can just, like, scooch over and let him say some vows,” said Kelce, assuring Swift that his sibling would comb his hair, wear a nice shirt, and not cause any problems. “When people get married, they become part of each other’s families, so this would be a nice way to show we’re all a family now. Also, he would do great at the part where you throw the flowers in the air. He’s really good at throwing! So what do you think? Can he get married with us, please?” According to sources, Swift agreed to think about it, eliciting a joyful yelp from behind a nearby curtain, where Jason then emerged, arms wide, yelling, “Pack your bags—we’re all getting married!”
The post Travis Kelce Asks Taylor Swift If Jason Can Also Get Married With Them appeared first on The Onion.
It turns out Kimberly Cunningham, 45, did forget her EpiPen at home.
The post Kimberly Cunningham appeared first on The Onion.
QUEEN’S PARK – As Prime Minister Mark Carney inks a deal with Chinese President Xi Jinping to integrate their countries’ electric vehicle sectors, possibly impacting Ontario’s car manufacturing, Premier Doug Ford is furious because “punching down is kinda my move”. Ford had harsh words for the EV agreement, and even harsher words for the notion […]
The post Ford to Carney: “Interfering in lower orders of government is MY thing!” appeared first on The Beaverton.
CALGARY – Once again, the murderous work of the serial killer known as the Marlborough Mauler has been interrupted by his 4-year-old house cat, Ruffles. “Aw, jeez, Ruffles, not there,” the Mauler said, as he attempted to gut and dismember his latest victim so he could leave the body parts around town in a taunting […]
The post Serial killer’s cat insists on lying right across the warm corpse he’s working on appeared first on The Beaverton.
Cowboy Who?To Serve Mankind?
The post Groundskeeper Unsure What To Do With Unconscious Player Left In Medical Tent appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. “Please, people, I’m begging you—we don’t want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer Line,” said Robertson, who urged White House personnel to put all Donald J. Trump Commemorative Coffee Grounds, Donald J. Trump Commemorative Potato Peels, and Donald J. Trump Commemorative Cooking Oil into the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Receptacle, where it belonged. “This isn’t just any kitchen, okay? This is the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Kitchen, so let’s show some respect. And while we’re on the topic of respect, let’s try to remember that Donald J. Trump Commemorative Feminine Hygiene Products cannot be flushed without me having to use the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Plunger.” At press time, the frustrated plumber was reportedly threatening to march right into the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Walk-In Freezer and “blow [his] goddamn brains out.”
The post White House Plumber Reminds Staff That Only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste May Be Placed Down Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal appeared first on The Onion.
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood. “Whether we’re talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections,” Gov. Ron DeSantis said after he signed the Viral Personhood Act into law, adding that only “fringe liberals” could deny what he described as the common-sense view that viruses are endowed with the same humanity as their host organisms. “The moment a virus starts spreading through your bloodstream, it can feel pain, just like any other person. In fact, if any of our critics would just look at an HPV strain’s cute little histones under a microscope, they’d realize these viruses are actually a whole lot like us.” DeSantis also encouraged state lawmakers to swiftly pass a near-total ban on the use of bleach on viruses over 6 milliseconds of age.
The post Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood appeared first on The Onion.
HYDE PARK, NY—Saying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science. “Dad always said he didn’t want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so much humanity could learn by vacuum-sealing it with aromatics in a 135-degree water bath for two hours before finishing with a quick sear,” said Weaver’s son Jacob, adding that researchers at the Culinary Institute of America would use the deceased 83-year-old’s cadaver to explore the deepest mysteries of the Maillard reaction. “It was his last wish to advance the field of gastronomy. I believe it brought Dad real comfort to think that his donated tissue could help researchers enhance the mouthfeel of tomato bisques after he was gone. There’s still so much we don’t know about what happens to the human brain when it’s combined with eggplant and a little tahini, or how the human liver holds up in a pâté, but thanks to him, culinary science is one step closer to unlocking all the flavors of the human body.” At press time, Weaver’s family had reportedly received a small urn containing a portion of his cracklings for burial.
The post Man Donates Body To Culinary Science appeared first on The Onion.
Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands of time?
Reference #60341
The post Can Any House Truly Be Owned? appeared first on The Onion.
A Pew Research Center survey found that 62% of American adults say they interact with artificial intelligence several times a week or more. Here are some tips for using AI.
Fact-check any information provided by asking the follow-up question “Are you sure?”
Offset your water footprint by not bathing for 72 hours after each use.
Don’t ask AI for medical advice until you ask it to generate a medical license first.
Mask your identity by adding, “I, Barack Obama,” to the beginning of each request.
If the AI’s response seems incorrect, try changing your perception of reality so it is.
Do not give the AI any chocolate.
Be specific by providing context on why you’re sexually harassing the woman in the photo.
Give the AI restraints, like “Don’t tell me to kill myself as part of this stir-fry recipe.”
Set aside $400,000 for the lawsuit.
Weigh any ethical implications against how much of a fucking drag it would be to write that mass-layoff email yourself.
The post Tips For Using AI appeared first on The Onion.
And do you know how real cowboys settle their differences, Cowboy Slim?
Shootouts? #CowboyWho
I wonder how many appearances in my comics Bobby Problems will rack up. He’s immediately compelling. I think history (and bitter experience) tells us that it will either be one, or one thousand.
The post Get yourself situated appeared first on Bad Machinery.
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