Shared posts

19 Sep 16:27

FDA Approves New AirPods As Hearing Aids

by The Onion Staff

The Food and Drug Administration approved Apple’s new hearing aid feature for their AirPods Pro 2 earbuds that amplifies sounds for people with perceived mild to moderate hearing impairment, coming two years after federal health officials approved the sale of over-the-counter hearing aids. What do you think?

“Apple is always at the forefront of making money.”

Erin Kang, Lunch Reviewer

“Are they still unsafe to swallow?”

Sergei Wojdyla, Script Supervisor

“Going forward, I will think twice before ripping them out of people’s ears.”

Cody Yates, Gumbo Fermenter

The post FDA Approves New AirPods As Hearing Aids appeared first on The Onion.

19 Sep 15:59

“Man Is Weak, and When He Makes Strength His Profession, He Is Weaker”: A Conversation with Wrestling Promoter Sean Görman About the Influence of the WWE on Trump’s Every Move

by David Shields

Sean Görman works as the villainous “Manager of Champions” in New England Championship Wrestling. A graduate of Emerson College’s creative writing program, he’s the author of wrestling memoir Until We’re Strangers Again and numerous articles and essays about wrestling.

My two forthcoming books are How We Got Here: Melville Plus Nietzsche Divided by the Square Root of (Allan) Bloom Times Žižek (Squared) Equals Bannon (out next week; use coupon “Howwegotherediscount” for a 15% disocunt) and A Christian Existentialist and a Psychoanalytic Atheist Walk into a Trump Rally (out next month; use coupon “trumpiscrazy” for a 15% discount). In three books, the two mentioned above and Nobody Hates Trump More Than Trump: An Intervention, I’ve gestured toward the connection between Trump and wrestling but without much specificity; via a mutual friend, I reached out to Görman, who is extremely knowledgeable on the subject(s).

— David Shields

- - -

DAVID SHIELDS: Why do you think Trump is obsessed with crowd sizes?

SEAN GÖRMAN: Trump’s obsession with crowd sizes comes directly from pro wrestling. Though a little harder to pull off in the digital age (ticket sales can now be easily tracked by computer,) wrestling promoters have always boasted about having larger crowd sizes than they actually do. Promoters do this, of course, to say to the masses, “Look at how popular and exciting this is. Don’t you want to be a part of this?”

In the annals of pro wrestling history, the most classic case of this is the reported crowd size at WrestleMania III at the Pontiac Silverdome in Michigan, which was headlined by Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant and is, still to this day, considered to be the greatest single wrestling event of all time and the pinnacle of the ’80s wrestling boom. Not long before the main event that night, the WWE’s avuncular commentator, “Mean” Gene Okerlund, came to the ring to give a special announcement. Gene got on the microphone and informed the crowd that they were part of history because all of them had established a brand-new indoor attendance record of 93,173. The WWE flashed a chyron across the screen showing the new attendance record as the hordes of fans in the Silverdome went wild… except it wasn’t exactly true.

Though the true attendance that day can never be fully verified, whistleblowers (for lack of a better term) within the WWE have since claimed that the real attendance at WrestleMania III was probably closer to 78,000 people. This is why Kamala Harris wisely brought this up at the presidential debate by saying that Trump’s rallies were boring and not that big. She baited Trump, and he couldn’t resist snapping his jaws at the hook. To both Trump or any wrestling promoter, the accusation that their events aren’t as big as they claim to be is worse than saying they have a small penis because what you’re really saying is, “Your product is unpopular, and it sucks.”

Like I mentioned, padding ticket sales is a little harder to do in the digital age, but tickets to Trump rallies are free, which means Trump can claim whatever attendance records he wants, just like the wrestling promoters of old.


Donald Trump with former WWE head Vince McMahon in 2007 (YouTube).

DS: What is Trump’s relationship to Vince McMahon?

SG: Their decades-long friendship is well known, though the exact nature of that friendship is surprisingly unclear. Trump and McMahon’s on-and-off business partnership began somewhere around 1988, when Trump hosted WrestleMania IV at the Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

We don’t know whether Vince ever sat Trump down in private and said, “Okay, this is how pro wrestling psychology really works…” However, it’s pretty much universally agreed upon among those in the wrestling business that conversations like this behind closed doors very likely took place.

DS: I guess Trump wouldn’t be the first to mix WWE and politics…

SG: Actually, when it comes to electing professional wrestlers to political office, the Japanese are way ahead of the curve. The Japanese have been electing pro wrestlers to their national congress since the late 80s. In Japan, wrestling is seen as less of a low-brow con and more as a revered brand of sports entertainment. If you watch videos of Japanese wrestling, you’ll often see the ringside seats occupied by businessmen wearing suits, respectfully soft-clapping, as if they were watching a serious tennis match at Wimbledon.

But the first time a professional wrestler was elected to a major office in the States was in 1998, when Jesse “The Body” Ventura became the governor of Minnesota. In many interviews, Ventura states that getting into the debates as a third-party candidate was the most important move of his campaign because, he said, “No one can beat a pro wrestler in a debate.” Before scripted promos became the norm in the corporatized pro wrestling of today, wrestlers had to be extremely quick on their feet by cutting promos, more or less improv. It was a lot like method acting taken to its zenith. The purpose of a standard pro wrestling promo is to bury your opponent and “get yourself over” to the fans. In this way, politics is tailor-made for pro wrestling and vice versa.

DS: Is there any video available of Trump in attendance at WrestleMania?

SG: Hours and hours. You can find both WrestleMania IV and V on NBC’s Peacock network. Trump is ringside for the entirety of both shows, which amounts to probably six to eight hours of wrestling. Even as a kid, I was sort of surprised he stayed for every match. I thought he might just take a ringside seat for the main event, as celebrities do at boxing events, but, no, Donald watched the whole show both years, except for maybe a few undercard matches, when he maybe went to the bathroom or whatever. If you watch the footage now, he seems quite taken by the whole thing.

DS: You’ve described Trump to me as a “great worker.” In WWE terms, what does that mean?

SG: Throughout history, the best pro-wrestling personalities come from wrestlers’ real-life personalities, but with the volume turned up to eleven. If the question is whether Trump is the brash carnival barker we see onstage in 2024 or the sagacious businessman we saw on Oprah back in the ’80s, I would suggest that he’s actually both, and, like any great worker, he simply adjusts the volume on his personality depending on whatever environment he finds himself in.

Calling someone a “great worker” is really just another way of saying “a great manipulator with a strong personality whom people respond to” and, of course, a wrestler who draws money. It also means a wrestler who has solid physical skills in the ring, who can make wrestling look as believable as possible and think on his feet. For example, at the Pennsylvania rally in July, when Trump turned to the cameras and raised his fist after being shot.

DS: In House of Cards, Kevin Spacey, of all people, quotes the line “Everything in the world is about sex except sex; sex is about power”; the great Argentinian aphorist Antonio Porchia says, “Man is weak, and when he makes strength his profession, he is weaker.” During a sexual encounter, McMahon allegedly shat on a woman, who was herself already hugely damaged (emotionally). To me, such behavior is hugely about trying to pretend you’re dom. The dom person is unbelievably damaged, but instead of exploring that damage, or being submissive, as Biden is, such people triple down on their own woundedness and play it out as dominance.

SG: Like Trump, Vince McMahon’s extramarital dalliances over the years have been pretty well known, but I don’t think Trump’s sexual predilections are as deviant, or depraved, as Vince’s. As far as I know, both Trump and Vince are OCD germaphobes. Because of this, I never believed the Russia pee tape thing, especially when no video evidence of it was ever presented. It just seems like the last thing a germaphobe would do.

DS: The Russian pee tape involves Trump paying prostitutes to pee on each other while he watches from afar, but anyway, go on…

SG: I subscribe to the theory that Vince shitting on that girl during a threesome was, quite frankly, an accident. Let’s face it: Vince is a 78-year-old man. At his age, accidents like this do happen. Also, many workout supplements contain a ton of magnesium, and occasional diarrhea is pretty common, even among young men. If you read the account of what happened, it sounds to me like Vince had a legit accident and tried to play it off like it was no big deal. I’ll put it to you this way: It seems highly unlikely that a notorious germaphobe who does not permit his employees to even sneeze around him (yes, this is a real thing) would be into scatological sex.

As far as Vince’s insane need to dominate women goes, yes, that’s always been clear. In a Playboy interview from 2001, he intimated that he was molested by his mother (though he later recanted this story). Also, in terms of “work-shoots,” Vince performed many vignettes on Monday Night Raw in which he would make secretaries and his female wrestlers bark like a dog.

All that being said, I think the current sex scandal Vince is embroiled in stems from three things: age-related mental issues, age-related mental issues combined with repeated concussions, and age-related mental issues combined with repeated concussions, combined with decades of steroid and testosterone abuse. Add it all up, and you get a serious sexual deviant, which Vince clearly is.

I don’t think Trump is quite like that when it comes to women. I honestly think Trump is kind of a nerd who doesn’t really know how to talk to women at all. When the “grab her by the pussy” tape came out, I heard an awkward teenager trying to be cool but not knowing how. I think that Trump definitely came from that Patrick Bateman era of New York City, where hiring high-end escorts who kept their mouths shut was a common practice, but any kind of piss fetish or actual rape? Naw. He’s too smart to all-out rape a woman, especially when he doesn’t have to. And if he really had the urge, he could probably just hire a woman to live out that fantasy. No need to risk it all, which Vince clearly did in the insane senility of his old age.


Tweet from Sean Görman in 2015.

DS: You used the term “work-shoot” re: Vince’s performances on Monday Night Raw.” Explain to me what this term means. The way I understand it, a “work” is the working up of an idea, e.g., taking a real argument and working it up into a big deal. The “shoot” is the actual argument staged in front of people. Give me some examples of the work-shoot vis-à-vis Trump. For example, Trump takes some tiny thing, like someone’s AI joke about Kamala’s crowd, which he then turns into a shoot.

SG: A “work” is a manipulated fake thing, and a “shoot” is the real thing. These are old carny terms from a hundred years ago, when pro wrestling first got its start. So, a “worked-shoot” is a combination of the two. I’ll explain how the work-shoot played out with Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels.

Back in the mid-’90s, the two biggest stars in the WWE were Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels, and the two men legitimately did not like each other. Both were amazing workers and very skilled technicians in the ring. Bret was the babyface and Michaels was the heel; and it was only a matter of time before the two men did a program (i.e. a storyline) together. Bret came from a legendary wrestling family and was very strait-laced. A “Canadian hero,” as he called himself. Shawn Michaels was the brash, haughty, younger guy who was disrespectful backstage, etc. Again, these were their actual personalities in real life. To a large degree, they really were their characters.

Things really came to a head when, during a TV promo, Shawn insinuated that Hart was cheating on his wife with a valet named Sunny, which may have been true, especially given Sunny’s reputation when it came to hooking up with the boys (wrestling is a very incestuous place). When the tension backstage between Hart and Michaels began to ramp up, the WWE decided to run with an in-ring angle to capitalize on the legitimate antagonism between the two men. The result was a great wrestling feud and some classic matches, but it also ended with the two guys getting into an actual locker room brawl (surprisingly rare in wrestling); Bret Hart tore out a huge chunk of Shawn Michaels’ hair. That was a worked-shoot. The whole angle was believable to fans because, well, it was kind of real.

How do worked-shoots relate to Trump? Well, the first and most obvious example to me is the assassination attempt. I mean, Trump did legitimately get shot in the ear. That really happened. That was a shoot (no pun intended). However, once the real thing happened, Trump (like any great worker) thought on his feet, turned to the hardcam (more on that in a moment), and raised his fist in defiance. In a split second, Trump said, “How can I use this moment to get myself over?” (i.e., make myself look awesome to my fans). So, that was Trump “working” and taking advantage of a real event, hence a “worked-shoot.”

DS: Whom from WWE does Trump most resemble?

SG: I’ve asked all my buddies in wrestling this question, and all of them, across the board, say “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

DS: How so? He’s not a heel? He’s sort of a switch?

SG: It may seem crazy, given the fact that Steve Austin is an ass-kicking, beer-drinking redneck from Texas and a hero of the working class, and Trump is, well, Trump, however, if you understand wrestling, or are actually in the wrestling business, then you understand it perfectly. It’s not necessarily about the surface-level traits of these two characters but rather what they represent and who they are to both their respective audiences and archrivals.

The most successful pro wrestling storyline of all time is arguably Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon. Again, we’re back to the blurring of reality and fantasy here, because (like I said) Steve Austin really is that ass-kicking redneck from Texas, and Vince McMahon really is a greedy, billionaire piece-of-shit who wielded immense power. On the surface, it may seem like Vince is Trump in this scenario, but in practice, it’s actually the other way around.

Of course, Trump was a rich kid from New York who grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. But much like Teddy Roosevelt, he was the rich New Yorker who was able to connect with the working class and whom the working class adored. To the working class, Trump is a brash, no-nonsense tough guy who takes shit from no one: just like Steve Austin. This was Austin’s entire persona—the living embodiment of “Take this job and shove it.”

Meanwhile, Vince corresponds to the wealthy, corporate elites in Washington. Vince is the Deep State or the bureaucratic state. Vince is the one who shipped working-class jobs overseas and will use any means necessary, such as lawfare, to hold his opponent back and keep him down. As a matter of fact, several times on Monday Night Raw, Vince had Austin arrested to knock him out of competition. Sound familiar? As the lyrics in Vince’s evil entrance music go, “You’re up against a machine too strong…greedy politicians buying souls from us are puppets… who find their place in line… tie a string around your finger, boy, because it’s just a matter of time… because you’ve got… NO CHANCE IN HELL.”

So, in that way, “Stone Cold” vs. Mr. McMahon is Donald Trump vs. Washington, DC. Sure, Donald Trump may not be “the little guy,” just like “Stone Cold” wasn’t necessarily the little guy, but the two of them are fighting for the little guy against powerful people and overwhelming odds. You can almost hear Hillary Clinton saying, “Donald Trump, you’re up against a machine too strong, and you’ve got NO CHANCE IN HELL.”

Every now and again, a wrestler who starts off as a heel gradually becomes a babyface, even though their character doesn’t change. Steve Austin in the ’90s and Roddy Piper in the ’80s are prime examples. Originally, Austin and Piper were both put in storylines as the heel, but they were so tough, dogged, and charismatic that fans eventually started cheering for them. So, based on the organic crowd reactions, the bookers (writers) eventually just went with the flow and started booking them in storylines as babyfaces. Austin and Piper were classic antiheroes—the Western gunslingers who played by their own rules and came into town as dirty outlaws but eventually started fighting the corrupt sheriff, which endeared them to the people. In the eyes of many, this is Trump.

DS: Trump is a mix of babyface and heel? And he pivots from moment to moment? How does this work? Vince McMahon pretends to be in opposition to, say, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, but they are a hundred percent in cahoots, of course. The kayfabe aspect seems crucial.

SG: Kayfabe was like the Mafia’s omertà. Since pro wrestling’s inception in the early 1900s, it was a code of silence that protected the business. The word was coined in the carnivals where pro wrestling began, and its origin was Pig Latin for the word “fake” (ake-fay), or “be fake.”

Trump is kayfabing for the cameras, but many Washington politicians aren’t really in on it. They don’t get it. They think it’s all a shoot. Politics isn’t quite wrestling, so it’s not quite fiction, but in the eyes of Trump, politics is a kayfabed work when the cameras are rolling, whereas it’s a shoot in the Oval Office behind closed doors. This, I suppose, is similar to what goes on in the wrestling ring vs. what goes on in the locker room. However, most D.C. politicians aren’t working with Trump in the locker room because they don’t see the difference between the work and the shoot. From everything I’ve heard, there’s a stark difference between Trump on camera and Trump off camera. In a 2011 documentary about WrestleMania, Vince said of Trump, “When you really get to know Donald, and I don’t want to, like, burst anyone’s bubble here, but he’s a really, really humble, really, really nice man… Of course, I wondered whose ego was bigger, Trump’s or mine? Mine is.” So, when Trump is on camera, he’s Trump with the volume up to 11, but when he’s off camera, he’s just Trump with the volume on 1. Most pro wrestlers are like this.

I guess the best example of this is the feud Trump had with Megyn Kelly back in 2016. During the GOP debate, Kelly tried to hit Trump with a gotcha question when she grilled him about sexist comments he’d made in the past. “You’ve called women you don’t like ‘fat pigs,’ ‘dogs,’ ‘slobs,’ and ‘di*SG:*usting animals,’” to which Trump, now famously, quipped, “Only Rosie O’Donnell.” Again, this is an example of Trump being a great worker because he was able to think on his feet and completely turn that punch around to his advantage. Kelly was going for a T.K.O. but wound up getting knocked out herself.

In years since, Megyn Kelly has done a complete 180 with Trump and has basically said, “Oh, I get it now.” The point is, Trump might be kayfabing in Washington and with the mainstream media, but Washington and the mainstream media are not kayfabing with him. Unlike wrestling, they are not in cahoots backstage. And as far as the audience goes, I think a lot of people on the Right understand the difference between Trump in the ring and Trump in the locker room, whereas many on the Left see them as one and the same.

DS: Okay, so maybe he’s a “tweener,” not a switch.

SG: Honestly, I kind of hate the term “tweener,” because it’s a term used by Internet wrestling fans who think they know something about the business but really don’t. In the locker room, you’ll get the stink eye if you use that term, because wrestling functions as a lucrative business only when there’s a clear distinction between the babyface and the heel, when the audience is a hundred percent behind one guy and a hundred percent against the other. However, when a wrestler is in that gray area between...

19 Sep 14:36

Loon Star State: ‘When You Assume…’

by Ben Sargent

To see more political cartoons from Ben Sargent, visit our Loon Star State section or find Observer political reporting here.

The post Loon Star State: ‘When You Assume…’ appeared first on The Texas Observer.

19 Sep 14:35

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Quest

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
You can also farm for human pelts, but the town guards get angry.


Today's News:
19 Sep 14:34

New Homeowners Thrilled To Find Pentagram Carved Into Hardwood Floor Under Carpet

by The Onion Staff

MILWAUKEE—Expressing elation over the discovery made during renovations of their newly purchased Victorian house, new homeowners Rick and Tanya Delaney were reportedly thrilled Thursday to find a pentagram carved into the hardwood floor beneath their living room carpet. “It’s in great shape for its age—I can’t believe something this gorgeous was hidden under all that ugly carpet!” said Rick Delaney, gushing as he eagerly outlined plans to sand and stain the floors in order to restore the pentagram to its original glory. “Keeping the home’s original demonic symbols is a great way to pay tribute to its first inhabitants, who were all brutally murdered one night in 1913. Obviously, buying a historic home can be a risk, but it’s so rewarding to uncover little details like this, which would’ve been lost if the house had been demolished like the Catholic Church urged the city to do after all the walls started weeping blood. Plus, it’ll be enriching for Emma and Lucas to know that they aren’t too different from the kids who lived here before them until they were found disemboweled on this very spot.” At press time, the Delaneys were said to be ecstatic after learning the child-sized fingernail scratchings they found likely meant the pentagram was carved by hand.

The post New Homeowners Thrilled To Find Pentagram Carved Into Hardwood Floor Under Carpet appeared first on The Onion.

19 Sep 14:34

Mirena Unveils New Intrauterine Owl To Scare Sperm Away From Eggs

by The Onion Staff

WHIPPANY, NJ—Calling the contraceptive device a novel breakthrough in hormone-free birth control, the IUD brand Mirena unveiled a new intrauterine owl Thursday that perches near a patient’s eggs to scare away sperm. “This FDA-approved intrauterine owl can successfully frighten away sperm for up to eight years,” said representative Quinn Hartford, who explained that the 32-millimeter owl decoy prevented pregnancy via a motion-responsive birdcall rather than localized hormones, allowing for fewer side effects aside from a muffled hooting sound. “Once the owl is placed into the uterus by an ob-gyn practitioner, the patient can rest assured that sperm will immediately scatter away from the predator, as is their natural inclination. More than five times as effective as an intrauterine scarecrow, the IUO features lifelike eyes that illuminate the uterine lining in a menacing red glow, further disorienting skittish spermatozoa.” At press time, Mirena was reportedly forced to recall the intrauterine owls after the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service declared sperm a protected species.

The post Mirena Unveils New Intrauterine Owl To Scare Sperm Away From Eggs appeared first on The Onion.

19 Sep 14:33

Top Five: September 19, 2024

by Glasstire

Glasstire counts down the top five art events in Texas.

For last week’s picks, please go here.

A film still from Lauren Kelley's "Scene 8: The Aircraft’s Refrigerated Storage."

Lauren Kelley, film still from “Scene 8: The Aircraft’s Refrigerated Storage,” single channel video with sound.

1. Lauren Kelley: Scene 8: Aircraft Carrier
Texas State Galleries (San Marcos)
August 26 – November 9, 2024

From Texas State Galleries:

“In Scene 8: Aircraft Carrier by Lauren Kelley, the artist treats the gallery like a diorama or a set from her latest stop-motion animation video titled Scene 8: The Aircraft’s Refrigerated Storage. This exhibition is part of an ongoing series that conflates notes on travel with impressions of everyday life. Kelley builds malleable worlds to offset a robust protagonist whose quirks stem from efforts to correct the asymmetrical relationships they encounter.

Accentuating that which is off-kilter through drawings and videos, Kelley began this work in 2021 while an artist-in-residence with Skidmore College’s Tang Teaching Museum. Like everyone in 2021, she was maneuvering through a post-pandemic landscape. Expanding upon ideas about travel, Kelley is currently exploring global movement through the repatriation of heritage objects—meditating on pillage items departing museum collections and returning to their place of origin. Plasticine, toys, and souvenirs are employed to assess a heavy history freely and render the perpetual motion of a colonial journey like the African diaspora.”

A poster promoting the exhibition Seriously?!.

2. Seriously?!
Fort Works Art (Fort Worth)
August 31 – September 21, 2024

From Fort Works Art:

“FORT WORKS ART is thrilled to announce its exhibition, Seriously?!, a group exhibition that brings together 20 artists from local, regional, and national backgrounds to explore the role of humor and satire in contemporary art.

Seriously?! delves into how humor and satire serve as powerful tools for addressing complex societal issues. Throughout history, humor has been utilized to provide a unique lens through which we can examine and critique the world around us. From the Dadaist movement’s playful irreverence during the chaos of World War I to the dark humor seen in contemporary pieces, satire in art challenges social conventions and encourages dialogue​.”

An image of a collage work by Anastasia Kirages with the text "An Early Education."

3. An Early Education
Stinson House (Houston)
September 7 – 28, 2024

An Early Education is an exhibition of new collage work by Anastasia Kirages and a release party for Daddy Issues No. 6 by Nick Stinson. Through the medium of collage, Kirages and Stinson delve into themes of coming of age, seeking out intimate connections, sexual exploration, and learning how to navigate relationally in the world. Even the physical act of collaging elevates these themes: organic matter pressed into juicy pulp, stiffened, sent out into the universe as disparate shapes and colors, discovered and brought together, and ultimately pasted down, layered, and/or overlapping with each other.”

A designed graphic promoting the exhibition Cultural Bounty.

4. Cultural Bounty: The Beckstead-Lerma-Annala Collection
Russell Hill Rogers (San Antonio)
August 1 – November 2, 2024

From Russell Hill Rogers Galleries:

“Explore an exciting display of 60 works from a generous donation to the UTSA Art Collection. This exhibition offers a diverse artistic journey, featuring notable pieces by Andy Warhol and Robert Mapplethorpe and a diverse range of artworks that showcase San Antonio’s local talent.”

A graphic promoting the EnPleinAirTexas exhibition.

5. EnPleinAirTEXAS: Painted Ranches
San Angelo Museum of Fine Arts
September 7 – 19, 2024

“The San Angelo Museum of Fine Arts’ EnPleinAirTEXAS inaugural Ranch Fellowship presents its second Painted Ranches exhibition and sale of 2024, featuring studio and plein air works by artists Carla Bosch and Suzie Baker, two of this year’s selected artists. This exhibition will be open to the public during regular museum visiting hours at Gallery Verde (417 South Oakes Street, San Angelo). All exhibited works are for sale, with proceeds benefiting the museum’s programs.”

The post Top Five: September 19, 2024 appeared first on Glasstire.

19 Sep 13:13

New York teen accused of taking subway train and crashing it

A teenage girl has been arrested over the alleged incident, which resulted in a crash but no injuries.
19 Sep 13:13

Two more very warm days before we start a slow slide toward cooler weather

by Eric Berger

In brief: Houston’s weather should begin to cool off slightly after two hot days, and then some real change may arrive next week. We’re still not certain about the timing of one or two fronts, but it does seem probable that relief is eventually coming. We also discuss an area of low pressure in the Caribbean Sea that should eventually become a tropical system.

Thursday and Friday

If you came to this forecast hoping to see some immediate change from the heat we’ve seen of late, you’re out of luck. For the last six days Houston has recorded high temperatures of 96 or 97 degrees at Bush Intercontinental Airport, and that trend is going to continue through the end of the work week. We are looking at high temperatures generally in the mid-90s the next couple of days, with slightly higher readings further inland, and slightly cooler near the coast. Skies will be mostly sunny, winds will be light, and nights warm. We did see some isolated showers pop up near downtown on Wednesday, so while rain chances are very low, they’re not zero. We’re looking at 5 to 10 percent chances of a rogue shower, probably.

Our temperatures will begin to slowly decline this weekend. (Weather Bell)

Saturday and Sunday

More sunshine, but as high pressure starts to weaken we should see slightly cooler daytime temperatures. Much of the Houston region will probably be in the low- to mid-90s during the daytime, with nighttime temperatures falling into the mid-70s. There is a slight chance of some rain showers near the coast. The bottom line is that if you have weekend plans outdoors, you should be good to go—with proper hydration.

Next week

Here’s where things begin to get a little more interesting. High temperatures will start the week in the lower-90s, but as high pressure backs off even further we’ll see the atmosphere open up a little more to the potential for some rainfall. We’re still probably talking only 20 to 30 percent chances each day, but there will also be some clouds mixed in with the sunshine.

By Thursday or Friday there is a chance that a weak front pushes into the Houston area. At this point it’s difficult to be sure this happen, but my sense is that we’ll see a very slight reduction in temperatures and some slightly lower humidity. A stronger push of cooler and drier air could happen next weekend, which may drop nighttime lows down into the low- to mid-60s. This is far enough out that I don’t have super-high confidence in this scenario, but there is a fair amount of support in the ensembles at this point. Fingers crossed.

Tropical outlook from the National Hurricane Center on Thursday morning.

Tropics

The National Hurricane Center has increased the likelihood of a tropical depression or storm forming in the Caribbean Sea during the next seven days to 40 percent. This is the area we’ve been talking about for several days now. It’s likely that something will eventually develop, but whether it stays mired in the Bay of Campeche, or eventually lifts north into the Gulf of Mexico remains an open question. Where it goes will, to some extent, be determined by the fronts I discussed above. Matt did a nice job of discussing this uncertainty, and why we just don’t have confidence in any scenario, here. The only thing to do is continue to watch it, and not get fixated on any single model run. They’re still bouncing around like crazy.

Note

I wanted you to know that I’ve got a new book coming out next Tuesday. I’m mentioning it here because I worked really hard to write a compelling tale. REENTRY tells the story behind the story of SpaceX’s Falcon 9 rocket—from its first launches, landings and failures, to ultimate success—as well as the Dragon spacecraft. You can buy the book anywhere, but if you want a signed and personalized copy you’ll need to order from a Houston-based store, Blue Willow Bookshop, by Friday afternoon. Here’s the link.

19 Sep 13:12

Every Type of Movie Sequel Title

by Emily Zauzmer

THE STRAIGHTFORWARD TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2

THE FOREBODING ROMAN TITLE: The Condiments Aisle, Part II

THE PUNNY TITLE: The Secondiments Aisle

THE PUNNY TITLE THAT’S OVERDOING IT: The Condiments Aisle 2: Come What Mayo

THE REDUNDANT TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: The Next Chapter

THE “ANGLING FOR AWARDS” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: The Willow Weeps

THE “DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW IT’S A SEQUEL” TITLE: The Shelf at the Store

THE “REALLY WANTS YOU TO KNOW IT’S A SEQUEL” TITLE: 2 French’s 2 Furious

THE “CLEARLY SWITCHING GENRES” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: A Whodunnit

THE “NOBODY WANTED TO MAKE THIS BUT IT WAS A CONTRACTUAL THING” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: The Aisle That Sells Condiments

THE “PROBABLY A PAID PROMOTION” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: Read Between the Heinz

THE “MAYBE YOU’LL WATCH IT ON AN AIRPLANE SOMEDAY” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: Romance on Aisle 5

THE “NOW WE’RE FOCUSING ON A RANDOM CHARACTER” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: Peter’s Turn

THE “WILL FINALLY SHOW YOU THE LEADS HOOKING UP” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: After Hours

THE “DIRECT-TO-DVD SEQUEL NONE OF THE ORIGINAL CAST HAS ACKNOWLEDGED” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: The Early Years

THE “BASICALLY A REMAKE OF THE FIRST ONE” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: The Frozen Food Aisle

THE “HINTING AT A THIRD MOVIE” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: Ketchup with You Later

THE “SOMEONE’S GOING TO BREAK INTO SONG” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: Rock ’n’ Roll

THE “TRYING TO MAKE BANK AT THE BOX OFFICE” TITLE: The Condiments Aisle 2: Glen Powell’s in This One

19 Sep 00:31

Tectonic Surfing

The worst is when you wipe out in the barrel and you're trapped for several million years until erosion frees you.
18 Sep 23:41

Federal judge denies Colony Ridge dismissal in alleged discrimination lawsuit brought by feds

by Kyle McClenagan
The government accused Colony Ridge of providing mortgage rates of 10.9-12.9% while the average prevailing rates of the time were around 2.4-4%, according to court documents.
18 Sep 22:58

Diddy: ‘I Will Beat These Charges Senseless’

by The Onion Staff
18 Sep 18:45

Houston likely experiencing its last fling in 2024 with really hot temperatures

by Eric Berger

In brief: Houston’s heat continues, with daily highs in the mid-90s for the rest of the week. We’ll cool down ever so slightly this weekend, and low-end rain chances return next week. We’re also keeping a wary eye on the tropics, as the Caribbean Sea stirs.

A note on the Moon

Last evening, if you were outside looking up, you may have noticed a full Moon. It looked pretty spectacular. However you may have seen a bit of blurring or dimming at the top of the Moon. This was, in fact, a partial lunar eclipse. Only about 8 percent of the Moon’s surface was covered before Earth’s shadow started to recede. I apologize, if I had realized this was occurring in advance, I would have noted it in yesterday’s post.

The heat is on today, with very hot maximum temperatures. (Weather Bell)

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday

Yes, I’m lumping all three days together because they’re all going to be very similar. Each day will have high temperatures in the vicinity of the mid-90s for most of Houston, with slightly cooler daytime temperatures on the coast. Skies will be partly to mostly sunny, with generally light winds from the southeast at 5 to 10 mph. Lows will only fall into the upper-70s. Rain chances are effectively zero, although we cannot rule out a very isolated shower here or there.

This is probably the warmest weather we’re going to see for the rest of this year, so if you like the heat, enjoy. And if you prefer somewhat more temperate temperatures, well, hold on for a little while longer.

Saturday and Sunday

More of the same, however as high pressure weakens a bit we could see daily temperatures slide down by a couple of degrees. Overnight lows, too, could drop into the mid-70s. Skies will be mostly sunny, with low- to non-existent rain chances.

Next week

Temperatures look to remain in the low 90s next week, with partly to mostly sunny skies. Rain chances continue to look fairly low, but may rise to the 20 or 30 percent range by Tuesday or so, with similar daily odds for the remainder of the week. As we get closer to next weekend it looks like we could see some kind of front, perhaps backdooring in from the northeast, but there’s not certainty in the models yet. So we can have some hope for a cool front with some drier air about 10 days from now. But for now, all it remains is a solid hope.

Tropical outlook for Wednesday morning. (National Hurricane Center)

Tropics

The National Hurricane Center has started to highlight an area in the Caribbean Sea that we’ve been talking about for a couple of days. It still appears as though development will be slow, with nothing forming for at least the five to seven days. If a tropical low does develop—and there is no certainty at all that it will—all of our best models are pretty well divided on what will happen in terms of where it goes. For us along the upper Texas coast this is probably not something to be too concerned about. However, given the high uncertainty we’ll just have to see what happens.

18 Sep 18:44

With Caribbean development several days out, how should we be assessing things?

by Matt Lanza

Headlines

  • Today’s post shows how modeling is struggling to handle what may or may not happen in the Caribbean next week.
  • At this point, we expect tropical development, but where that goes, at what intensity, and at what speed are all open questions we cannot currently answer.

Caribbean confidence levels low

Rather than go into a post where I go back and forth on hypotheticals regarding potential Caribbean development next week, I want to go into how we should be thinking about this, sitting here on Wednesday, September 18th. First, the easy part: The National Hurricane Center has given the northwest Caribbean about a 20 percent chance of tropical development over the next week.

(NOAA NHC)

You may be asking why this seems so low. The NHC operates fairly conservatively, so expect these odds to probably increase as we get closer. After all, it’s not a given that we’re going to see tropical development in the northwest Caribbean. It’s a possibility.

During Hurricane Beryl and again during Francine, we noted how good the European AI model and ICON model handled the storms. They were consistent on track and fairly consistent on the idea of intensity, particularly in the 5 days ahead of landfall, while other models were still generally bouncing around. So why can’t we just use those models and get a good idea of what may occur here? Well, here are the last 8 runs of the European AIFS model valid for next Sunday morning.

The European AIFS model has been consistent in showing tropical development next week, but it has been literally all over the map in terms of where and how fast it takes the storm. (Tropical Tidbits)

If you look at the GFS or ICON or whoever else you want, you would see a similar outcome. None of the operational modeling has any consistency or clue with respect to this system, short of “something might happen somewhere.” So when we tell you to ignore and disregard people posting single run deterministic models on social media saying “not a forecast, but check this out!” this is what we mean.

So the next thing you may ask is, “Matt, you’re a meteorologist. Isn’t it your job to cut through this and tell me what might happen?” And the answer is yes. However, I know my limits. When I look at GFS and European ensemble guidance, the traditional physics-based ensembles I see similar type outcomes with a wide berth of possibilities. Some go northwest, some go northeast, some don’t even develop it at all.

The GFS ensemble spaghetti plot of low pressure systems across the Gulf from the northwest Caribbean disturbance, valid through next Friday night, showing little to no strong signal in the noise. (Weathernerds.org)

Finding signal in the noise is my job, and right now the only signal I maybe see is a propensity for the majority of model guidance to go north or northeast with this. And even that is sketchy at best. But it tells me Florida absolutely needs to watch this closely. And since we’re more than a week out from any impacts, that’s probably good enough.

The goal of a meteorologist this far in advance is not to get the call spot on. Anyone can try to do that, and periodically they’ll nail it while also likely delivering 65 other false alarms in the process. The goal of the meteorologist is to tell the audience what we know. We could dive deeper into the upper air pattern or things like that, but I feel we’re still a couple days away from getting too fancy with explaining how that impacts this outcome. But I’m not cherry picking model runs or data. I’m showing you examples of erratic deterministic output, which is all we have right now, and I’m showing you examples of slightly more stable though no less uncertain ensemble data. It’s a lot of noise, so don’t be panicked by individual cherry picked runs.

The bottom line right now? We have no idea what will form, exactly where it will form, and where it will go. But we are fairly confident that something is going to develop in the northwest Caribbean next week.

We’ll keep it simple today and leave it there.

18 Sep 18:35

Actor Informed Producers Decided To Go With A Dog For The Role

by The Onion Staff

LOS ANGELES—Assuring him the right part would come along eventually, actor Will Bachman’s agent informed him Thursday that, after a lengthy casting process, the producers of the television pilot he auditioned for had chosen to go with a dog in the role instead. “It was very competitive, and you should feel proud to have gotten as far as you did, but ultimately they decided an Australian shepherd mix was more in line with their vision for the best friend character,” Alyssa Jacobs of Creative Artists Agency told her client, saying that despite Bachman’s strong audition, callback, and chemistry read, the show’s creative team opted to take the role in a less human, more canine direction. “Look, you know this business isn’t fair. The whole casting department is probably already chummy with Waffles because they know his dad from Air Bud and Homeward Bound. Rejection stings, but in this industry, it happens to everyone—even Jack Nicholson was beat out for that role opposite Tom Hanks in Turner & Hooch.” At press time, the agent had ended the call on a hopeful note by letting Bachman know that, if he played his cards right and the pilot went to series, he might be able to pick up work as the dog’s stand-in.

The post Actor Informed Producers Decided To Go With A Dog For The Role appeared first on The Onion.

18 Sep 18:34

Injured Cyclist Briefly Regains Consciousness To See RFK Jr. Dragging Him Into Kitchen

by The Onion Staff

MALIBU, CA—Groaning as his bruised head thumped along the tiled flooring, 35-year-old injured cyclist Paul Zablocki briefly regained consciousness to see Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dragging him by the legs into the former presidential candidate’s kitchen, sources reported Wednesday. Confused and bleary-eyed upon awakening, Zablocki reportedly noticed a feral aroma of what seemed to be animal carcasses emanating from the room, and grew frightened after making eye contact with the environmental lawyer and conspiracy theorist, who gazed down at him while muttering, “Yes, this one is beautiful…perfect.” According to sources, Kennedy then dropped the man on the floor with a thud, reached into a drawer, and finally began humming contentedly as he sharpened a set of knives. At press time, sources confirmed the last thing Zablocki saw was Cheryl Hines walking through the kitchen and rolling her eyes.

The post Injured Cyclist Briefly Regains Consciousness To See RFK Jr. Dragging Him Into Kitchen appeared first on The Onion.

18 Sep 18:34

Migrant Steals Occupational Injury From Hard-Working American

by The Onion Staff

ATHENS, OH—A Mexican migrant reportedly stole an occupational injury Wednesday from a hardworking American, seizing the opportunity for a broken arm from a resident who grew up in this country. “I could have been the one out there fracturing my ulna and radius after falling off a truck during a nonunion contract gig, but that’s not the way things are here anymore,” said unemployed citizen Graham Toomy, 45, telling reporters that there was a time when decent, industrious Americans like himself could have been degloved in an industrial accident or suffered lung damage from inhaling toxic fumes instead of losing out to someone from a different country. “Many of these people are coming here illegally, and they’re taking our bone fractures, they’re taking our repetitive stress disorders, and they’re even taking the little things like carpal tunnel syndrome. They’re all just trying to load up on medical debt that could be going to people like me and my family.” Toomy added that as concerned as he was about immigrants, he was even more worried that automation would some day take away his son’s chance to receive PTSD on the battlefield.

The post Migrant Steals Occupational Injury From Hard-Working American appeared first on The Onion.

18 Sep 18:33

Trump Targeted In Second Assassination Attempt

by The Onion Staff

Former President Donald Trump is safe following what appears to be an attempted assassination while playing golf, occurring two months after another attempt on his life at a rally in Pennsylvania. What do you think?

“I didn’t realize it was such a challenging golf course.”

James Puello, Microphone Tester

“I don’t care what the excuse was. Either finish the hole or let me play through.”

Omar Ordaz, Clock Setter

“Someone needs to investigate how these gun-wielding lunatics keep getting into the United States.”

Alexis Nguyen, Cubist Landscaper

The post Trump Targeted In Second Assassination Attempt appeared first on The Onion.

18 Sep 14:46

Bouncy Moo Deng!

Bouncy Moo Deng!

18 Sep 13:32

FAQ’s About Our New Patient Portal, HellthChase

by Emily Schleiger

Dear Patient,

In our continual efforts to provide you with the confusing level of treatment you’ve come to expect, we’d like to introduce you to HellthChase, our new cumbersome and contactless check-in solution.

HellthChase invites and obligates you to engage in the unpaid data entry of your health information. Once you’re set up, you can complete a variety of other activities online without having to interact with a human regarding important medical care.

What kinds of activities can I complete on HellthChase?
You can attempt such tedious tasks as:

  • Ask questions or request prescription refills from doctors and staff who might read and respond within one day or never
  • Regularly scan and upload your insurance card and driver’s license because we’re not sure we believe you that you are who you say you are
  • Sign forms with a pre-selected online signature in the font of an eight-year-old child’s writing
  • Be gaslit into thinking you can schedule appointments online easily
  • Examine some HIPAA forms you signed but never read and don’t give a shit about
  • Opt in by default to receive texts about balances due, with no billing or insurance detail

Are my records secure?
Yes. All personal data entered online is completely hacker-proof. Did you know that prior to web-based recordkeeping, paper records were constantly being snagged from doctors’ offices by cat burglars?

Is that true?
No, but it’s a narrative that HellthChase says inspires instant cooperation from technophobic patients.

Given that I can complete forms at home before my appointment, will HellthChase save me time?
Oh, god, no. HellthChase convinced us to purchase off-brand digital tablets that our receptionists will hand you at check-in. The tablets love to freeze and time out, which allows you to mindfully watch a digital hourglass (HellthChase likes to say they put the “patient” in “Patient Portal”). Once our Wi-Fi has caught up and the screen refreshes or starts over at the beginning, you will get a chance to confirm or re-enter any information you previously completed before your appointment.

Wait, if I have to hold a tablet… didn’t you say it was contactless?
Well, you don’t have to touch the receptionist’s hand; you just have to take the tablet. Technically, you aren’t making contact with a human, which is our ultimate goal. However, holding a tablet that was held moments earlier by another ill person allows you exposure to healthy germs that will keep your immune system robust.

Will this system connect with patient portal systems my other doctors use so I can have one login?
No. As an American with healthcare, you must have unique passwords for at least twenty bespoke portals, none of which connect with one another.

Did my previous online health records migrate over?
Ha ha ha, what? No. Those were lost in a cloud fire. You can declare yourself at the beginning of a fresh start of your health, or if you were a really anxious nerd and you printed your previous records, you can try entering them on your own (but remember the character limit). Or you may give them to your provider, who will just throw them in the trash.

Two days ago, I requested a prescription refill, but I have not heard back. Should I request a refill via my pharmacy?
No. This double-dipping will create confusion and delay. Just be patient. Doctors may take twenty-four to forty-eight hours to respond, but sometimes take 1,204 hours due to regular software updates to the portal.

I received a scary test result via the portal. Can I please speak with a doctor to confirm I’m not dying?
What are you doing trying to interpret your own test results? Those are not meant for your eyes. Wait for your doctor to message you that everything is fine.

Isn’t the point of the portal to access my information?
The point of the portal is that it’s cool and proves we aren’t afraid to stay on the cutting edge of technology, even when it’s not helpful yet. There are definitely notes our doctors make and see, and you will never know about anything you don’t have access to. You really shouldn’t be looking at anything. Except the HIPAA forms.

I’d prefer not to be texted balances due. Can you mail me a bill instead?
No. One hundred percent of ill Americans, you included, are criminals who plan to never pay their medical balances, so for efficiency, we omit sending detailed paper bills. Instead, the portal bombards you with a series of texts with balance reminders, which is not unlike the harassment of debt collectors. Just trust that the amount we say you owe is correct. Pay immediately, or you will be texted repeated threats and insults, you lazy sack of disease-riddled bones.

Can I opt out of this bullshit?
No, you are obligated to take charge of your well-being with HellthChase. Sign in today to take an active role in getting actively frustrated by your healthcare. Your username is your social security number, and your default password is SucKeR.

17 Sep 20:29

Good News, Bad News

by Reza
17 Sep 20:28

Rebranding

by Reza
17 Sep 18:30

What native plants used to live along Houston’s bayous — and which still remain?

by Michael Hagerty, Mincho Jacob
Houston Matters takes a walking tour of Buffalo Bayou with a nature guide to learn what the ecosystems of our city's waterways used to be like and what original plants and wildlife still remain.
17 Sep 18:29

I can’t travel because my cat is sick — and my boss and coworkers are unhappy

by Ask a Manager

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I joined my employer earlier this year as the only fully remote worker. At my first on-site, the only other coworkers in my department resigned. Instead of being the junior member of a small remote team as I expected, I was suddenly THE team. The CEO told me that day that he’d want me to travel to the home office once a month, and I was still so shocked I gave a non-committal answer like, “Well, if it’s for something important.” During the interviews, we had only discussed “some” travel.

I took possession of my childhood cat (age 16) at the beginning of June from my aging parents. He was healthy, but by mid-June, he showed symptoms that last week we found out is severe and chronic pancreatitis. His treatment plan includes once a week injections, 2-3 times a week fluids, twice daily pills and ointments, and a lot of hand feeding all day, every day. Almost all of these are a two-person job (bless my fiancé!). He has a chance of full recovery, but could also pass anytime.

The adjustment to remote work with my boss has been rough already, with limited communication from either side (my bad!). I ducked out of a July event for the first emergency appointment and an event tomorrow due to his new treatment plan (the org lost no money on plane tickets or hotel). I made one conference in August, but things went poorly while I was away. This time, my boss expressed displeasure and told me to find a way to attend “if at all possible” and to “heck, take the cat with you.” I don’t feel I can stick all of this care on my fiancé, even if either of us could do it independently.

I had a meeting today to finalize a large project. A coworker was early and started by saying he was disappointed that I wouldn’t be at the event tomorrow, that he didn’t see a pet as a valid excuse and didn’t believe me, he wasn’t a pet person, and in the army this would be called a “personal problem.” I was ruder than I should have been, but I was taken aback and said I could always ask the vet to send him a note and that if my boss felt the same way as him, the boss is free to talk to me about it.

My coworker said it in a semi-joking tone and seemed to get more serious when I expressed my regret about missing the event and explained the treatments — but he should not have known about the cat unless he’s been talking to my boss, he has no standing to reprimand me, and I felt disrespected and gossiped about. My boss came in and said that he was disappointed I wasn’t calling in on my way to the airport, then jumped in. I also made clear later in the call that I wouldn’t be committing to travel until this cat resolves his illness or passes.

How do I address this with my boss while giving my pet the best shot I can? Did I just take a joke too harshly? Is a pet’s illness a legitimate family issue to miss travel for? What do I do from here? They can’t see me working every day and want to bridge the gap through regular travel, and I can see why they thought I was on board. But I felt pressured into that existing agreement, I feel disrespected and distrusted, and I think my travel schedule is being gossiped about and potentially damaging my relationship with other coworkers. If it’s a performance conversation, I’m happy to have one — but with my boss, not my coworkers.

This is tricky. You signed up for a job that was supposed to involve “some” travel, and then the needs of the job changed soon after you started. You’re entitled to say, “Hey, this isn’t what we agreed to when I was hired and it’s not something I can do.”

At the same time, they’re allowed to decide that the needs of the job have changed and that they do need someone in your role who can travel more than what was originally discussed. That wouldn’t necessarily be fair, but it does happen sometimes. They’d also be on solid ground in pointing out that you did agree to “some” travel when you were hired, and they’re not being unreasonable in expecting you to adhere to that.

It’s also true that declining to do work travel in order to care for a pet isn’t seen the way that declining because of child care would be. If you were saying, “I’m the single parent of a toddler and can’t travel more than once or twice a year,” it would likely be going over differently. We can debate whether or not that should be the case, but it’s the reality in many offices.

To me, this hinges on what “some” travel meant when you agreed to that originally. It sounds like the monthly trips to the home office are a new expectation, but what about the events and conferences that you’ve been missing? If those were always understood to be part of the role, even before your coworkers quit, this gets a lot harder to resolve.

But also, what does it mean that you’re now THE team, with no other team members? Are they hiring to fill those roles so this is temporary? Or is the plan to keep you a department of one, and the only person responsible for all the travel that needs to be done?

The other complicating factor: When you’re the only remote worker on a team, it’s really important that you go out of your way to be visible, accessible, and available. You said you weren’t communicating enough in the beginning, and that’s probably making this harder. When you’re a known quantity who’s in frequent communication, people are often more willing to accommodate you when you need it (whereas when they don’t feel connected to you, the opposite can be true).

So, where does all this leave you? I think you need to have a straightforward conversation with your boss to clarify the travel expectations and what you can and can’t commit to, and figure out if the role can still work for both of you (and also ideally resolve the question of whether the situation will change when/if they replace the coworkers who left). You should do this soon, because your boss is telling you pretty forthrightly that he’s unhappy with how things stand now.

I don’t think you can take for granted they’ll accept “I can’t travel at all (or much) because of my cat” for a job that they told you from the start would involve some travel. Some managers might! But a lot of managers wouldn’t, especially for a new employee (as opposed to if you’d been working for them for years before your situation changed). I also don’t think you can expect people not to talk about it. Someone on the team being unable to travel for what people may not see as a “good enough” reason is something that’s likely to get discussed, and there’s no point in spending capital or energy being upset about that.

This situation sucks and it isn’t your fault. You’re trying to save your cat! But I think you’ve got to have an air-clearing conversation with your boss and figure out what will and won’t work.

I hope your cat is okay.

17 Sep 18:26

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Hungers

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Written in a state of harnger.


Today's News:
17 Sep 16:13

A celestial trifecta: What to know about Tuesday’s lunar eclipse

by NPR
This month's harvest moon will not only coincide with a supermoon, but also with a blood moon and partial lunar eclipse.
17 Sep 16:13

Voter fraud data from group behind Project 2025 shows few instances of noncitizen voting in Texas

by Julián Aguilar, The Texas Newsroom
Data compiled by The Heritage Foundation – most known for being the architect of the controversial policy blueprint known as Project 2025 – shows that noncitizen voting isn’t widespread in Texas. That’s despite repeated warnings from the state’s Republican leaders that elections are vulnerable to this type of fraud.
17 Sep 16:12

Man Not Really Articulating Cohesive Reason Why Guy Who Cut Him Off Should Go Fuck Himself

by The Onion Staff

TOLEDO, OH—Saying the man’s hodgepodge of threats, insults, and expletives lacked a compelling central thread, sources confirmed Tuesday that 41-year-old Ed Thassler wasn’t really articulating a cohesive reason as to why the guy who cut him off in traffic should go fuck himself. “I can understand that he’s angry about my driving back there, but his demand that I go fuck myself is sorely undercut by his inability to weave all those curses and rhetorical questions about what the fuck I’m doing into a broader point,” said motorist Brian Henley, expressing disappointment that the man’s surface-level ravings never provided a thorough examination of the claim that Henley drives like a goddamn maniac or anticipated any counterarguments to the assertion that he’s an asshole who should burn in hell. “With some work, he could probably have an interesting argument, but right now it’s coming across as this confused, scattered mess of ideas that never quite coalesces into something that makes me think, ‘Oh, that’s why I should go fuck myself.’ Perhaps if he took some time to reread Aristotle’s Art Of Rhetoric, he could convey his proposal more persuasively. But as it stands, his reasoning remains tenuously substantiated at best, as does his conclusion that I should eat shit and die.” At press time, Henley was reportedly intrigued to see how the gun being pointed at him would figure into the man’s overarching thesis.

The post Man Not Really Articulating Cohesive Reason Why Guy Who Cut Him Off Should Go Fuck Himself appeared first on The Onion.

17 Sep 16:10

Melania Trump Announces First 1,000 People To Preorder New Memoir Will See Her Face In Their Dreams Until Death

by The Onion Staff

PALM BEACH, FL—Hoping to boost sales of her new book, Melania Trump announced Tuesday that the first 1,000 people to preorder her memoir Melania would see her face in their dreams until they die. “I am so excited to be sharing my story, and I want to show my gratitude by offering a few lucky buyers the exclusive chance to be haunted by my ghastly visage night after night for as long as they live,” the former first lady said in a rare public appearance ahead of the volume’s Oct. 8 release, teasing the promotion as an opportunity for one-on-one face time between herself and her fans. “Whether my stony, unblinking face will appear in the mirror as you close your medicine cabinet, emerge from the shadows of your closet as you try to fall asleep, or hover directly above you as you lie in bed—inches away from your face like a nightmare from which you can never wake—I know no better way to show my appreciation than to haunt you until you breathe your last breath. But you have to act fast!” Trump went on to add that the first 1,000 preorders would also receive a free American flag bookmark.

The post Melania Trump Announces First 1,000 People To Preorder New Memoir Will See Her Face In Their Dreams Until Death appeared first on The Onion.