Cowboy Who?

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had selected Gillette Stadium for her election night watch party. “I think 65,000 seats should be enough to fit everyone, but we can always have overflow in the parking lot if need be,” said the self-assured Green Party presidential nominee, beaming excitedly from her place on the stage as she looked out at the three supporters who had already assembled to watch the election coverage with her. “Booking this place was worth every penny. No one shows up to these parties early, but they’ll start trickling in soon, and a few hours from now this place will be heaving. It’s gonna look so cool when we drop all those President Stein balloons I ordered. I can already hear the roar of the crowd as I become America’s 47th president! I’ll see if they can queue up some green lasers for the moment when my 270th Electoral College vote comes in. And I can tell my victory speech will be one for the history books—though maybe I should try to pare it down to 45 minutes while we’re waiting for the votes to come in.” At press time, sources confirmed that Stein had gone ahead and booked the stadium again for 2028.

The post Confident Jill Stein Goes With Stadium For Election Party appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Squirming and saying “no, no, no” while aides attempted to calm him down, second gentleman of the United States Doug Emhoff was forced to sit in a corner at his wife’s election night watch party after getting too hyper, sources reported Tuesday. “Okay, Doug, I know it’s exciting to watch Kamala run for president, but I’m going to need you to take a deep breath and count to 100,” said campaign aide Tara Friedland, who just moments earlier had grabbed the overly excited 60-year-old lawyer by the ear after he jumped up from his seat, began sprinting around, and let out several high-pitched screams. “Doug, look at me. Remember what we talked about. Election night is a grown-ups’ event. And when we are at a grown-ups’ event, we don’t do cartwheels, we don’t throw our food, and we don’t jump up on the table and steal the microphone when Kamala is talking. Do you understand?” At press time, Emhoff had reportedly been placed in a limousine and driven back to the vice president’s official residence after he took his shirt off, ran up on stage, and bit several Secret Service agents.

The post Doug Emhoff Forced To Sit In Corner Of Election Party After Getting Too Hyper appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Crossing their arms and tapping their feet impatiently, election officials across the nation announced Tuesday night that they wouldn’t release the results of the 2024 presidential race until you had brushed your teeth and put on your jammies. “The results are in, the 47th president of the United States has been chosen, and all the poll workers have gone home—but before the winner is called, you’ll need to get ready for bed,” said Zack Manifold, a Georgia election officer and one of many key state officials throughout the country who stressed that there were clean pajamas in your dresser drawer and you had better remember to floss, too. “If you end up eating more kettle corn after you’ve brushed your teeth, you’ll have to brush them again, and it will take even longer to find out who will occupy the Oval Office for the next four years. As long as you don’t dillydally, you can watch the victory party for five minutes, but then it’s light out!” At press time, the nation’s election officials announced you could stay up late just this once because of how cute you looked.

The post Election Officials Announce Results Won’t Be Available Until After You Brush Teeth, Put On Jammies appeared first on The Onion.

thekinglemingle:

I referred to something as a “real Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra moment” in conversation with someone who has never seen TNG, and let me tell you, that was a real Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra moment

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Need an amusing distraction today? I do.

Last week we talked about the oddest things you’ve found when cleaning out a desk or workspace, and below are 15 of my favorite stories you shared.

However, what is not my favorite is the knowledge that 30 of you — 30 separate people — thirty — reported finding nail clippings left in a desk you inherited. Why?

And yet, even burdened with that information, we must move onward.

1. The diorama

I found an entire, miniaturized diorama of the office, complete with desks, tables, smoking area outside, and hung up motivational posters. The cherry on top was that each person working there had their own figurine, complete with distinctive accessories.

When I found it, the former employee was posed as having his feet up on his desk, smoking a cigarette and eating a miniature Subway sandwich. He had left the position to open a Subway franchise.

2. The statues

We had an intern who drove the whole office crazy with his elitist behavior. After his time with us had ended, we needed to look for info on the computer he had been using, and we discovered a folder full of dozens of pics of ancient nude male statues. One of my coworkers pointed out that *of course* even his porn would be pretentious…

3. The burn book

I was doing a deep clean of a desk I was assigned and found a note taped to the underside of a drawer. It was basically a burn book of every employee the person who had my desk prior worked with. It ended with, “Whoever reads this, you’re welcome!” I agreed with most of it, honestly.

4. The emails

I just cleaned out my desk and found that my predecessor printed out EVERY email she sent, then highlighted them, made comments and annotations in red pen. These were emails she had sent, not emails she received. My favorite one was one she had sent to the CEO telling her she was an idiot … not long before she was fired.

5. The photo cut-out

My manager was fired. When we cleaned out their cubicle, we found a two foot tall cardboard photo cut-out of her manager’s head.

6. The notes

A few months after one of my coworkers was fired, their desk was cleaned out for a new hire. Under the desk we found at least 50(!) post it notes with varying messages, including comments about women colleagues’ bodies, Bible verses, comments about hating management, and “do not get fired again.” Guess that didn’t work out for them.

7. The condoms

Condoms. Lots and lots, with various *ahem* features. I put them in a clear jar and left it on their new desk with a post-it facing outward “Don’t need – free to good homes.” The person was incompetent, unpleasant, entitled and out of the office for a few days.

8. The Fungus Basement

My current company has … the Fungus Basement. Old laboratory space in a damp basement that became contaminated with fungal growth- it’s hard to sterilize fungus away and it wasn’t worth the risk of contaminating newer lab space, so an entire working lab got locked away in a lightless basement being slowly overgrown by The Fungus™. We just heavily sealed all the doors and vents to keep it in there, and I can’t imagine what a horror movie set it’s turned into.

9. The hair

At my first museum job, straight out of grad school, I was assigned a storage closet for event props, catering equipment, and our beer/ wine/ snacks for donor events. It had clearly not been cleaned in many years, and was so full and disorganized it was impossible to close the door. I went in one weekend, with my mom, to clean it out and spend some time with a parent I had not had a lot of one on one time with due to working and school. Was super excited about the day and very energized to clean up something that was irritating me.

But then we found the gallon-sized ziplock bag of human hair. No explanation, no label, nothing. Somehow someone stacked it above the cans of lighter fluid, which seemed to us at the time the only logical place to store a gallon of human hair.

10. The rubber stamp

A rubber stamp saying, “This article is also available in Esperanto.” To my knowledge, we have never published Esperanto-language works, but this stamp was in our mailroom for years until I finally took it to my desk. The actual stamp part is gone, but I’m keeping it to mystify whoever ultimately cleans out my desk.

11. The cheese

I wasn’t there to witness it, but the woman sitting next to me and the company parted ways. Her desk was always covered in opened crisp packets, half-full bottles of pop and other detritus.

My boss had to clear the little drawer cabinet we each had under our desk. He discovered that departed coworker had been storing cheese in it.

12. The quesadilla

A coworker left, and another coworker and I were the only ones left to clean out her desk. Amongst a melange of personal effects, we found a hard copy of our reporting schedule with a handwritten missive at the top. It read, “I am a quesadilla.” It is now my go-to mantra during inane work situations.

13. The pistachios

Pistachio shells. I moved into a cube in a corner after the previous guy had moved on. He had apparently been snacking on pistachios for years, and instead of using the garbage can ALSO UNDER HIS DESK, he just tossed them under his desk and called it good. It wasn’t visually obvious, but as soon as I tried to sit down my feet encountered a ~2 foot tall mountain of pistachio shells.

14. The gun

Wasn’t a desk but a car. My first job out of college was as a car salesman. I’d just sold a car and since it was a slow day I figured I’d help out the lot attendants and clean out the big stuff from the trade-in. Usually it’s just trash, but sometimes people leave stuff like IDs or important documents in the glove box, or CDs or the like.

In this case it was a .38 revolver. I called the guy and he said, “Oh, THAT’S where I left it! Can you hold on to it for me?” So for a few days underneath some sales forms in my desk drawer was a revolver and a set of bullets.

15. The tiny ducks

About two months ago I lost a team member who left for another job. She was a delight.

Someone had taken on an innocent office prank of hiding very tiny ducks everywhere. They were multicolored “rubber duckie” style ducks that fit on the tip of your finger. They were often on top of bulletin boards, water fountains, mundane places but they usually brought a smile.

She was very reserved but always nice and positive. When I opened her drawer to clean out, I found the entire bag of the ducks. I had to send her a text to let her know she had been outted as the duck prankster.

Voting in the 2024 presidential election is underway, with candidates Kamala Harris and Donald Trump promising vastly different visions for the country if elected. What do you think?

“I’m technically still waiting in line to vote in the 2004 election.”

Gabriel Malwitz, Costume Retailer

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“I don’t like division, so I voted for both.”

Joy Hollifield, Container Filler

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“I’m not political, but I am violent.”

Russ Casteel, Shale Shoveler

The post America Votes In 2024 Election appeared first on The Onion.

The post ELECTION ALERT: Still Too Early To Know Which Minority To Scapegoat appeared first on The Onion.

RALEIGH – Hundreds of millions of onlookers worldwide have turned their eyes to North Carolina, where international journalists have been embedded for weeks to report on every twist and turn of the state’s agriculture commissioner election. “This election will have wide-ranging ramifications on everything from the displays at the state fair to the quality of […]

The post World holds its breath as North Carolina elects new agriculture commissioner appeared first on The Beaverton.

Cat-Hair-Covered Yoga Pants: Voted for Harris

Toupee-Hair-Covered Suit Pants: Voted for Trump

Bear-Hair-Covered Vintage L.L.Bean Board Shorts: Wrote in “RFK Jr. + The Worm”

Pants Worn Only Every Four Years That Were Bought by Someone Else: Voted for Jill Stein

Frayed Corduroys That Nobody Wants or Needs: Voted for Cornel West

Fair-Trade, Ethically Sourced Cotton Trousers: Did not vote in protest

Novelty Pajama Bottoms with Weed Motif: Forgot to vote

Wasn’t Sure Which Pants to Wear: Did not vote because busy giving interview to New York Times about being undecided

Pink Capri Pants: Told husband she voted for Trump but voted for Harris

Blue Capri Pants: Told husband he voted for Harris but voted for Trump

Black-Belted Denim That Barely Covers Pale White Belly: Voted for Trump but only because he gave him $75 million after destroying Twitter

Red, White, and Blue Bodybuilding Pants: Duh

Tactical Ripstop Pants with Zip Ties in Pocket: Double Duh

Sweatpants That Say I’M VOTING FOR THE FELON: Not allowed to vote due to wearing “electioneering” clothing

Sweatpants That Say ORANGE LIVES MATTER: Not allowed to vote due to wearing something so fucking stupid

Modest Full-Length Skirt So Jesus Can’t See Ankles: Voted for JD Vance

Khakis Bought at Macy’s in an Effort to Look Like a Totally Normal Person, After Telling Sales Clerk to Give Her Job to a Man and Go Birth a Bunch of Babies: Is JD Vance

Snow Pants with Tater Tot Hotdish Stain: Voted for Tim Walz

Snow Pants with Tater Tot Hotdish Stain: Is Tim Walz

Wrangler Jeans with Ivermectin Stain: Voted for Trump

Blue Suit Pants with Ketchup Stain: Is Trump

Tan Suit Pants the Color of a Coconut: Voted for Harris

Tan Suit Pants the Color of a Coconut That Will Soon Be on Stage Celebrating a Victory for Democracy: Is Harris

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

Where is the line between what is and is not acceptable when talking about pettiness between coworkers?

I’m dealing with two employees on the same team who simply do not like each other for a variety of reasons. Luckily, these two do not have to actually work together very often but sit in the same suite. They are both big personalities, have strong opinions, and can both come off strong. Apart from counseling them on being aware how they come across when interacting with each other, I’m at a loss for how to address the pettiness they’ve both adopted from the perspective of “you both need to remain professional with each other” — things like saying goodbye to everyone on the team except the other one, ordering dessert for “whoever wants some” with ingredients that the other is allergic to, not holding the door open for the other “without realizing they were there.” I have a hard time figuring out where the line is between “you are not meeting the expectations of appropriate conduct” and “come on, just don’t be a jerk” especially when one claims things like “you can’t prohibit me from ordering the dessert that I want and offering the leftovers to others.”

Their work performance is pretty solid. They’re both passionate about the work they do, execute it well, and are (for better or worse) both sort of “staples” of the team (subject matter experts and likely committed to being at this company for a long time).

The way to approach it is to focus on the outcome you want, which is “no one on the team can tell you don’t like person X.” They can feel however they want to about each other, but if other people pick up on those negative feelings, that’s a problem — because it will make the working environment uncomfortable for everyone.

So yes, of course they can order whatever dessert they want even if the other person happens to be allergic to it, and of course sometimes they might not say goodbye to absolutely everyone when they’re leaving … but rather than getting mired down in those details, focus on the outcome you need from them, which is they can’t make people uncomfortable with their behavior and they need to treat everyone with a baseline level of warmth and pleasantness.

I would frame it this way: “You need to conduct yourself in such a way that you’re not making this a negative work environment for other people. If people can tell you don’t like Jane, you’re not meeting that job requirement. If people perceive you as being petty or vindictive, then you’re failing at that. And I take that very seriously — it is an absolute requirement of being on this team that you treat everyone with respect and that you don’t make the rest of the team uncomfortable. Unless you truly need me to give examples, I’m not going to go through the pettiness I’ve seen instance by instance; I assume you understand what I’m talking about. It needs to change if you want to remain on this team.”

And you should hold firm on that line. Solid work performance or not, you can’t keep people who behave this way. They’re poisoning the environment for the entire team … and at some point the rest of your staff will start to worry about how they’ll be treated if they somehow end up on the wrong side of one of these employees.

OTTAWA – With Americans voting today to determine the next President of the United States, every single Canadian has announced plans to keep their lights shut off in hopes that they will not get drawn into any mess that inevitably ensues. With polls showing an incredibly tight race between Vice President Kamala Harris and former […]

The post Canada turns off all lights in hopes US will think we’re not home appeared first on The Beaverton.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I wonder if you have any tips/tricks on how to keep focused on work when there is a major event going on? I recall trying to work for several weeks after the 2020 election and January 6 and know my work was not efficient or good quality during that time. I’m so anxious about the election results that I know I will be following all day and probably many more days after since it’s unlikely we’ll get results for some time. Focusing on work during this time seems extremely difficult and pointless.

Things that help me when I need to focus during difficult times:

•  Remember that when a crisis is happening in the world, it’s natural and human to be distracted. As long as your work allows for some ebb and flow, you don’t need to perform at 100% every minute. (Don’t take this advice if you’re performing surgery tomorrow, but otherwise give yourself some grace.)

•  Remind yourself that there’s nothing you can do to change tomorrow’s outcome. Whatever you could have done to help affect the outcome, that time is now behind us. (Unless you still need to go vote, in which case do that immediately, or are going to walk off the job and drive people to polls or make GOTV calls, in which case go for it.)

•  To the extent that you control your work activities on any given day, choose them strategically. Maybe tomorrow is the day that you’ll organize all your files and do other undemanding work, or maybe it’s the day to throw yourself into something intellectually demanding as a distraction. Know yourself and plan accordingly.

•  It’s okay to take breaks to check the news but schedule them so they don’t take over; for example, you might decide you’ll check the news for five minutes every two hours, but nothing so momentous will happen in between that you need to check more than that. The feeling that constant vigilance will somehow help is an illusion to give yourself a sense of control, but it doesn’t actually change anything; all it does is keep you in a state of stress.

And this one isn’t work-specific, but during particularly stressful events it can help to put energy into doing the kind of good in the world that you want to see more of: help others, donate to charity, be extra kind to someone. Time is going to pass this week whether you spend it paralyzed by stress or not; you might as well choose to spend it putting good into the world.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I help an awkward new employee connect better with coworkers?

I am a senior team member. Reporting to me are Bill (mid-level — seven years of experience), and three people at the junior level (one to three years of experience). Bill is the newest hire on my team, hired because we really needed someone to take some stuff off my plate and also hopefully act as a resource and mentor to the more junior staff.

Bill’s work is good and I am happy with the hire, but without fail, he says the perfectly wrong thing. It is harmless, socially awkward stuff: trying to join a joke but the delivery is loud and the reference is obscure, or unknowingly suggesting something that is a pain point. Think of Michael Scott’s cringiest social moments and you will have an idea.

This is compounded by the fact that two of my junior level staff applied for this role when I announced we were hiring. I discussed with each of them that the move just was not right, they were too junior for the responsibilities, and they understood, I think … but it for sure makes interacting with Bill extra grating. Bill has noted to me that it is hard to join a new team where there are established relationships so I know he is picking up on it. The two staff members will text and grab coffee together sometimes, though they are certainly cordial to everyone. I have organized a weekly lunch, but it winds up just adding to the awkwardness because Bill kills the conversation with a disconnected statement about a topic we all finished talking about 10 minutes ago.

I think Bill’s attempts to make social strides, especially with everyone but especially with these two is just adding to the pressure and awkwardness of it all. It is painful to watch! Any suggestions of how to coach someone on connecting with coworkers, but to just the right degree? Should I be taking any other action to make everyone like each other more?

It’s not really your role to coach Bill socially. And he may just be an awkward guy, which is okay — people are allowed to be awkward! There are probably some places where you can coach around the edges (“when you made that reference to X, people were confused because X is pretty obscure and most people don’t know what it is”), but I wouldn’t count on it making a significant difference. I’d also lay off the weekly team lunches, or at least do them much less frequently — they don’t sound like they’re working and might be making things worse, and either way that’s a lot of organized togetherness.

What I do think is your role, though, is looking for ways to set up Bill where he can do better. What’s he good at? Can you look for opportunities where it would be logical to pair him with one of your junior people to collaborate, in an area where he has expertise and is comfortable? Can you keep an eye out for times where a junior employee is struggling with something and you can genuinely suggest Bill as a resource? And then set Bill up for success there as much as you can — for example, letting him know that he’s great at X specific nuance of Y and asking him to collaborate with Jane on that specific element of it. You’ll need to keep an eye on how those interactions go — you don’t want to increase everyone’s aggravation if he doesn’t handle those well — but the hope would be that if people have more positive interactions with him, it might change their comfort with him and he might start feeling less awkward too.

The goal should be less about revamping Bill’s personality — some awkwardness and quirkiness is totally okay in most roles — and more about getting everyone more familiar with each other through the work itself and helping the rest of your team see Bill’s value.

2. My boss asked me to talk to a coworker about her cleavage

I am the office coordinator for the school where I work, and my boss asked me to talk to a coworker/friend of mine about showing cleavage at work. My boss has been approached my parents as well as other staff members about this coworker’s clothing. I don’t know how to approach this. She’s an educational assistant and most of the EA’s here are fairly dressed down, as it can be a pretty physical job. She does have a large chest and I know that that can be an issue when buying clothing, as I have the same issue.

I just feel uncomfortable speaking to her. I think the reason my boss asked me to speak to her is because I am friends with her and so that it’s not an “official” reprimand and could be dealt with discreetly.

Her direct supervisor is a man, but the principal (the one who asked me) is a woman. I do have some authority within the school but it’s mostly organizational; I have some administrative responsibilities and have been asked to sit in on these types of meetings in the past with other employees, but I am in no way a supervisor of anyone and I am not in HR.

You should decline to do this. It’s not your job to give dress code feedback, and it sounds like you’re being asked to do it so someone else can avoid an awkward conversation, which is not a good enough reason. And if it’s really true that they want to avoid it being an official reprimand, they can easily accomplish that by … not making it an official reprimand. Managers can give feedback without it being memorialized as formal discipline; it can simply be a conversation/reminder about the dress code.

If your coworker isn’t in compliance with the dress code, that needs to be handled the same way your employer would handle any other dress code problem — which presumably means a reminder by someone with the authority to issue that kind of reminder, not asking a friend to pass along a message.

I’d go back to your boss and say this: “I thought more about your request that I talk to Jane about her clothing, and I don’t feel comfortable doing that. It should come from someone with the authority to discuss the dress code and answer questions if she has any. I think she’d feel very awkward hearing that from a peer, and I’m not comfortable delivering that feedback to a peer.”

Related:
my employee’s clothes accentuate her chest — how do I talk to her about it?

3. Left out of a group chat

I work in an office of eight (one manager, me, and my six coworkers), which is then part of a larger division. For the past week or so, my coworkers have all been discussing different New York Times games. I normally play Wordle myself, so I jump into these conversations too. It’s been a fun thing to chat about in the mornings.

However, my coworkers will also discuss these games in a Teams chat that I’m not a part of. I was out sick one day earlier this month, and I’m thinking that might have been the day they started it. I guess I’m just confused by the fact that I’m part of these regular conversations, and for some reason all six of my coworkers (even the guy who started three weeks ago!) have not thought to add me? My coworkers are all very nice people who treat me well, respect my time, etc. — my point being that I have no reason to think they’re purposely excluding me as some sort of schoolyard bullying tactic.

Do I bring this up to them? Do I bring it up to my manager? Thinking about it, I don’t think I care, but it does seem a little hurtful. I mean, what would my manager even do? Wag his finger and tell them to add me?

It sounds like there’s every reason to believe it was unintentional — it’s likely they did start it on the day you were out and then haven’t thought very deeply about it since. You can just say, “Hey, can I get in on the games chat on Teams?” and that shouldn’t be weird (particularly if they’ve talked about it in front of you) and should take care of it. The only way this would be weird is if your coworkers were a bunch of exclusionary asses and it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

Note: the New York Times tech union is currently on strike and asking people to honor their picket line by not playing Wordle and other NYT games during the strike.

4. My organization doesn’t post job openings until the old person has already left

My organization seems to have a policy of not posting a staff member’s position until that person has left. Is there any way that this makes sense? I don’t know why they want four weeks notice if they don’t use that time to find the replacement. Hiring is slow anyway, so this routinely means that positions are open for months, which I cynically think maybe they like because they are saving money while everyone scrambles to cover the workload. Anything I’m missing here?

I’m curious whether this is actually their policy, or whether it’s just what happens in practice because they’re slow and/or disorganized. If it’s their policy, it’s a bizarre one! Generally a notice period (even a four-week one) isn’t long enough to hire a replacement and have them start while the departing person is still there to train them, but there’s no reason to squander that time; generally you want to move forward on filling soon-to-be vacancies with some sense of urgency. (There are some exceptions to this, of course, like if questions need to be worked out about the position before you post it, but typically you’d want to begin recruiting pretty quickly.)

By the way, four weeks notice is two weeks longer than the standard in most industries, and you might consider whether you really need to stick to that:

can I give 2 weeks notice when my employer says they “expect” 4 weeks?

5. I’m ready to retire young but don’t want to burn bridges

I’m a mid-career manager of a small team of experienced individual contributors involved with fairly high-profile projects for my organization. The organization consistently struggles to prioritize work and provide the appropriate resources; we often are trying to do too much, all at once, with too little. Despite this, my team is well-respected and gets things done. However, I’m tired and have been vacillating in and out of burnout for years. Vacations offer only a short-term fix. I suspect that I have undiagnosed neurodivergence that makes my set working conditions especially challenging.

My company does not offer sabbaticals. I have been focused on FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) for years and I’m finally at a point where I feel like I’ve accumulated enough that I can take an indefinite break and am planning on resigning within the next six months. I’ve worked for this organization for a long time and, as I’m still relatively young, I’m sure my resignation will come as something of a surprise. I don’t want to leave my small team and my manager in a bind, but for the sake of my own best interests, I’m not comfortable giving more than a couple of weeks notice.

I have not yet determined if my mini-retirement will turn into full-blown retirement and mark the end of my corporate career. How do I frame my resignation and deal with questions from colleagues during my notice period when I’m not leaving for another job? I want to leave on good terms, but I’m not open to being convinced to stay with the organization while they figure things out. I want a clean break on my terms.

You’re overthinking it! You’re allowed to resign any time you want. It’s true that people might be surprised to hear that you’re not going to another job but you can say, “I’m taking some time off before deciding what I want to do next.” That’s true! “What I want to do next” doesn’t need to mean a job, necessarily. Or if you’re up for sharing more, you could say, “I’ve worked for a while to be able to take a long break from work, and now I’m able to do that.”

If you’re pushed to stay longer since you don’t have the deadline of a start date somewhere else, just hold firm: “I do need to stick with X as my last day because I have some immovable plans for right after that.”

This isn’t bridge-burning! You’re not an indentured servant; you get to decide when you’re ready to leave a job. And leaving a job for any reason nearly always creates some inconvenience for the team you’re leaving; that’s just part of the deal with resigning, not a reason not to do it.

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President Donald Trump. “As soon as I entered the voting booth, my hand lurched forward and marked the box for Trump,” said Shultz, explaining that every time he attempted to select Vice President Kamala Harris instead, his hand went entirely limp and he was stricken with intense, overwhelming nausea. “Eventually I swatted at my right hand with the voter information packet, and I even tried stabbing it with a ballpoint pen. That seemed to subdue it for a while, but when I tried voting for [incumbent Senate candidate] Bob Casey, my hand reached for my throat and began strangling me.” At press time, an eerily smiling Shultz confirmed his only desire was to “make America great again.”

The post Neuralink Patient Unable To Stop Hand From Voting For Trump appeared first on The Onion.

In brief: A line of storms passing into Houston will clear the area later this morning, and the region should see clearing skies for the second half of the day. Then we’ll have a brief period, about 24 hours, of somewhat drier and cooler air. A second front (no strong storms this time, probably) may bring some similarly cool weather for the weekend, but no promises.

Election Day weather

You don’t need me to tell you that today is Election Day in the United States. We are seeing storms pushing through the metro area this morning, but they will be east of the area by or before noon. After this there will be mostly fine conditions this afternoon, with clearing skies and light winds as a weak front settles in. Space City Weather is apolitical, but that does not mean we don’t encourage everyone to vote. Please find the time to do so today. The weather will be fine.

And then, after the election is over, I would hope that we remember that we are all Americans, stronger when united than divided. Just because your neighbor put out a Trump-Vance sign, or someone down the street has a Harris-Walz bumper sticker, does not mean they’re a bad person. We’ve been too conditioned by heated rhetoric and social media to ‘hate’ those who have different political opinions. If you actually get out and talk to your neighbors, no matter their political views, you’ll find that in Houston we’re all united behind common values, such as: summertime humidity here is the worst.

Tuesday

I expect the line of storms rumbling into Houston this morning to reach the coast by late this morning, and move offshore. Modestly drier air will move in behind the front today with northerly winds at about 10 mph. We should see clearing skies this afternoon with temperatures in the lower 70s for the most part. I expect it to be quite lovely this evening. Overnight lows in Houston will drop into the upper 50s for most locations, with coastal areas remaining in the 60s. For a day or so, it’s going to feel like fall.

Wednesday

By tomorrow we’ll start to see the beginnings of an onshore flow, and dewpoints will recover pretty quickly. So don’t blink or you’ll miss the drier air. Skies will be partly cloudy, with highs of around 80 degrees. Lows on Wednesday night will not drop below 70 degrees for most of Houston with muggier air.

Thursday and Friday

These will be a pair of partly sunny days with high temperatures in the low 80s, and warmish nights with lows around 70 degrees. There will be some low-end rain chances each day, but any accumulations will be slight.

Saturday and Sunday

Another front will approach the region ahead of the weekend, but the forecast models are still pretty divided on how much cooler or drier air it brings. In other words, I’m afraid our forecast for the weekend remains pretty low confidence. If pressed, I’ll say daily highs will be in the upper 70s, with nights in the 60s, but I’m prepared to be wrong. Rain chances aren’t zero, but they’re also not very high, maybe 20 percent daily. We had a question from the Houston Marathon about long training runs for this weekend, and at this point I wouldn’t be overly concerned about rain chances on Saturday morning. Whether we get some drier air in time for a long run remains possible, but not a certainty.

Next week

Even if we do get some decent cooling with this weekend’s front, we should be back into a warmer and more humid pattern early next week. Most of our guidance still indicates the arrival of a nice cold front during the middle of next week, but I’m still not confident enough to make any promises. However, it does seem fairly likely.

Tropics

Tropical Storm Rafael is strengthening this morning, and should cross Cuba into the Gulf of Mexico by later on Wednesday, likely as a hurricane. The storm’s current forecast track may look concerning, but the reality is that there are two scenarios which are most likely—and neither is particularly threatening to Texas.

The first scenario is that Rafael remains a hurricane as it reaches the central Gulf of Mexico, in which case it is likely to be steered toward southeastern Louisiana or thereabouts. If Rafael becomes weaker it is more likely to drift due westward toward Texas. However, in this scenario the storm would be considerably weaker, and probably not pose much of a threat beyond some easterly winds and higher seas. We’ll continue to watch things closely, of course. Look for a full report on The Eyewall later today.

Headlines

• Tropical Storm Rafael is expected to become a formidable hurricane as it tracks toward the Cayman Islands and western Cuba tomorrow and Wednesday.
• Heavy rain and localized flooding are possible there and in Jamaica with Rafael.
• Once in the Gulf, there is some uncertainty on Rafael’s track, but models are in good agreement that a surge of dry air will wrap into the storm at some point, likely leading to its demise before it can find land again.
• However, locally heavy rainfall is a possibility, particularly in central Georgia and southern South Carolina (south of Helene’s hardest hit areas) as Rafael’s moisture surges north and interacts with a cold front.

Tropical Storm Rafael is born

Apologies for the later than hoped for post today, as today was a busy day at work!

We have run up the ladder since yesterday’s post, going from PTC 18 to TD 18, to now Tropical Storm Rafael. The storm has winds of 45 mph, and it appears to be in an environment that will promote steady, if not rapid intensification over the next 24 to 36 hours.

Model guidance is in good agreement through tomorrow and Wednesday on a track taking Rafael due northwest just west of Jamaica, across the Cayman Islands, and right into western Cuba as healthy hurricane. Tropical storm force winds extend out about 105 miles from the center, so a tropical storm watch has been issued for the Lower and Middle Florida Keys. Hurricane Watches are posted for Cuba, and warnings are posted for the Cayman Islands.

In addition to the tropical storm and hurricane conditions, heavy rain and flooding are a possibility for Jamaica, the Cayman Islands, and Cuba as well. Heavy rain will eventually work into portions of Florida and the Southeast as well as Rafael comes north. More on that in a second.

So where will Rafael go on the other side of Cuba? That’s a tough question right now, as there are several factors in play once the storm gets into the open Gulf of Mexico. Moisture surging out ahead of Rafael will “pre-saturate” the Gulf to make it somewhat more hospitable for the storm to maintain intensity as it comes halfway across the Gulf of Mexico. But once it gets into the northern Gulf, the combination of significant dry air and wind shear may be Rafael’s undoing.

The wind shear is always a bit of a question mark; sometimes as storms come north, the shear can help to actually vent the storm a bit, which can unintentionally cause further strengthening. In this case, I think the shear is too strong, and this ample dry air (and there’s a lot of it) will likely take its toll on Rafael. Because the storm will likely be weakening, it would reason that it should keep going northwest or even west northwest across the Gulf, almost like an aimless wanderer. If Rafael maintains its intensity longer than we anticipate, it could turn more north-northwest toward the Panhandle or the central Gulf Coast. For now, impacts on the Gulf Coast are probably limited to pockets of heavy rain, rough seas, and minor tidal flooding issues. But as with any storm during hurricane season, it makes sense to monitor it closely in the coming days.

In terms of rain, it will be interesting to see how that initial surge of moisture interacts with a cold front approaching the Southeast on Wednesday and Thursday. There are model uncertainties on exactly how this will play out, but it appears that a significant rainfall event may unfold over central Georgia or southern South Carolina. This will be south of the hardest hit areas from Hurricane Helene. But it still means heavy rain and flooding are possible. Right now, the forecast calls for about 3 to 6 inches of rainfall, but some models do drop bullseyes closer to 10 inches in some areas southeast of Atlanta or west of Charleston.

The important takeaway here is that with Rafael expected to weaken due to dry air, there should not be a second surge of rain that follows this like we saw with Helene. So, it’s something to monitor closely in central Georgia and South Carolina, but the hope is that it will be manageable beyond localized issues. We’ll keep an eye on this.

Once Rafael dissipates, that’ll do it. Another area just north of the Caribbean may try to develop in several days, but it’s not a concern right now.

PALM BEACH, FL—Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. “Oh, my tummy hurts real bad—definitely shouldn’t have had so many, but they looked so good,” the 459-pound Don Jr. said to his equally overweight brother Eric, both of them spitting out chewed-up pieces of mail-in ballots as they writhed in pain on their shared bed, groaning in evident discomfort from the bodily expansion that results from consuming nearly 30,000 calories of ballots and a significant portion of a voting booth. “I didn’t need those last few referen-yums [sic]. But once you start, you can’t stop. Ugh, some of these were definitely fraudulent, too. Get out of the way, Eric! I feel like I’m gonna puke!” At press time, the seat of Eric Trump’s pants had reportedly split after he attempted to snack on one more election worker.

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MALIBU, CA—Insisting that situations such as this compelled the federal government to act immediately, former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told reporters Monday that he was demanding Secret Service protection after finding a Cheez-It on his kitchen floor. “Today, I’m calling on the White House to move with swiftness and urgency to provide me with appropriate protection against cheese-flavored snack threats,” said the Trump campaign surrogate, who vividly described the terror he felt after he saw the baked menace lying next to his refrigerator and realized he was completely unguarded against stepping on it with his bare feet. “It missed my foot by an inch or less. Obviously, I’ve made many powerful enemies—but which one left this square-shaped cracker there? And who benefited from letting it get this close to me? Congress must answer these questions. Right now, though, I need trained agents sweeping every building I enter for floor-bound snacks to ensure this never happens again.” Kennedy went on to issue a stark warning, stating that if the Cheez-It had been extra cheesy flavored, he would be dead right now.

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WASHINGTON—With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending machines. “Projections show that by the time polls close, approximately two-thirds of the U.S. electorate will have turned out and, in their attempt to vote, selected chips, candy, or a soda,” the report issued Tuesday read in part, explaining that millions of registered voters had visited the community centers and church basements where their polling sites were located, automatically proceeded to the nearest vending machine, and, in an effort to fulfill their civic duty, used the keypad to make their choice. “According to exit polls, Snickers and M&M’s appear to be in a dead heat, with many of those surveyed telling pollsters they wish there had been different choices this election, like ice cream bars or maybe a Chipwich. Others expressed pessimism about the direction in which the country was headed, citing the inflation that had driven the cost of Powerade above $2.” At press time, millions of Americans were reportedly signaling to each other that they had voted by stuffing an empty bag of Doritos in their shirt pocket.

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The perfect three-bed, one-bath home for six bandmates, your girlfriends, and all your gear. 

Reference #378314

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CEDARBURG, WI—Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy before he entered the voting booth. “I just don’t know enough about fifth-century BCE Athenian democracy to make an informed decision in this election,” said Powers, frantically reading about the Enlightenment to see for himself whether John Locke said anything about Kamala Harris’ record on immigration. “I’d hate to step into that booth and make a hasty decision before I examined for myself how each candidate stacks up against Sinn Féin organizer Arthur Griffith and his 1905 policy calling for an independent Irish republic. It’s not really my style to fall in line with one party or another without first reading everything modern academia has to say about the history of the campaign button.” At press time, election workers were reportedly begging Powers to just pick one already after he had spent several hours attempting to translate texts from the proto-democratic societies of ancient Phoenicia on his phone.

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HARRISBURG, PA—Pursing his lips while he examined the “I Vorted” sticker displayed on his jacket, local man Doug Matney was beginning to worry Tuesday that the place where he had cast his ballot wasn’t a legitimate polling site. “I was headed into the community center, but then this woman out front directed me to the building three doors down, which, now that I really look at it, seems to be an abandoned warehouse,” said Matney, noting that he began to have suspicions about the authenticity of the polling station when he saw that the American flag displayed inside had only a handful of stars but hundreds of stripes. “A person inside handed me a ballot that was long and skinny like a grocery store receipt. After I filled it out, a shirtless guy told me to feed it into the voting machine, which was just a hole in the floor where he’d torn up a wood plank. He made computer sounds while I did it, and then all the poll workers screamed, ‘Congratulations!’ Dang, now I’m wondering if a few of them weren’t even election officials.” Matney told reporters that his concerns about the location’s legitimacy were assuaged somewhat by a worker who promised to authenticate his vote in exchange for $40.

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WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340 million, that would be great,” Americans across the country said as they paced tensely around their homes, continuously refreshed their social media feeds, and sat in bars with their arms crossed and eyes glued to TV screens. “We don’t normally smoke, but a cig would really hit the spot right now. Our nerves are just fried. We really need something to cut the stress. If you need all 340 million of them, though, we understand.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation had followed-up by asking Obama for 340 million lights.

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