Shared posts

24 Nov 15:52

EDITORIAL: Why my cheque giveaway is great whereas Doug Ford’s cheque giveaway is desperate and terrible – by Justin Trudeau

by Ian MacIntyre

Hello. It’s me, Canada’s most popular Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. Here to tell you all the good news – that I feel your pain. I don’t mean feel your pain in a literal sense. I’m still the son of a Canadian political dynasty and just flew first class halfway across the globe to a G20 […]

The post EDITORIAL: Why my cheque giveaway is great whereas Doug Ford’s cheque giveaway is desperate and terrible – by Justin Trudeau appeared first on The Beaverton.

23 Nov 13:26

Houston restaurant Kim Son will be forced to close flagship location due to I-45 expansion

by Kyle McClenagan
Kim Son was founded in the 1980s by the La family, which immigrated to Houston after fleeing the communist government in Vietnam. The owners say they plan to close the Jefferson Street location in 2026.
22 Nov 21:41

Two Illuminations of Public Art: Aurora Biennial and Rayenari Light Festival

by William Sarradet
A sports complex with concrete surfaces of many different angles in the desert of Southeast New Mexico

The Rayenari Light Festival at the Sunland Park Sports Complex

The front facade of Dallas City Hall with promotional graphics projected onto its surface, which reads "AURORA"

Outdoor projections displayed on the front facade of Dallas City hall.

This fall, the Aurora Biennial in Downtown Dallas and the Rayenari Light Festival in Sunland Park, New Mexico, offered two compelling visions of light-based public art. Aurora drew from its history as a biennial institution to present a sprawling spectacle across the urban landscape, while Rayenari, in its debut, brought a deeply personal and culturally specific celebration to a small rural community near El Paso. Both events succeeded in transforming their environments, though they varied in audience connection, spatial design, and presentation scale.

The rear facade of Dallas City Hall covered in a video projection of many different ribbons of text intertwined and flowing.

Daniel Canogar, “Chyron”

Aurora’s 2024 iteration, curated by Kendal Henry and Leslie Moody Castro, leveraged Downtown Dallas’s iconic architecture as a canvas. Major installations like Rafael Lozano-Hemmer’s Thermal Drift used the sides of Dallas City Hall to captivating effect, capturing participants’ bodies on camera and transforming them into molten, shifting patterns. This interactive work, like many of Lozano-Hemmer’s projects, touched on themes of surveillance and technology, yet its stunning visuals felt less provocative and more playful — an accessible entry point for families and young participants.

Meanwhile, Rayenari adopted a human-scaled approach. The husband-and-wife team of Angel and Bianca Cabrales curated an eclectic mix of installations, including Angel Cabrales’ larger-than-life Catrina, made of steel wire and adorned with mesh netting and solar-lit eyes. The addition of Ballet Folklorico Cuauhatli’s dancers among the ofrenda at the center of the park emphasized the region’s Día de los Muertos traditions, grounding the event in cultural specificity. While Aurora excelled in technical polish, Rayenari’s works, like Ricardo Salas Duarte’s Corazon Sagrado, engaged viewers with their emotional resonance. Inside the park’s facility, there were more sculptures on pedestals from high school students, as well as experiments in neon from some of Cabrales’s students at the University of Texas at El Paso.

The physical settings of the two festivals had a significant impact on the viewer experience. Aurora, using City Hall Plaza as its central node, offered high-tech pieces like Daniel Canogar’s Chyron, which wove text from international news broadcasts into a shifting, snaking display across the entire rear facade of City Hall. But while the building projections dazzled, the unlit stretches between artworks made navigating the sprawling festival challenging. The monumental Henry Moore sculpture in the plaza was the most visible structure, unintentionally overshadowing some of the luminous works. Previous iterations of Aurora have not always leaned as heavily on projected works, which makes concerns of light pollution less of an issue.

A sculpture of an anthropomorphic obelisk installed on the surface of the Sunland Park Sports Complex

Bianca Cabrales, “Cuchillo Deslumbrante”

The Sunland Park Sports Complex provided an admittedly smaller and more easily navigable venue for Rayenari. The event also began before sunset, which allowed for some daytime viewing of works. Installations like Laura Turón’s Paradox Bus, an immersive and psychedelic mobile exhibit, felt seamlessly integrated with the venue’s layout. Rayenari’s tighter, neighborhood-oriented footprint made it feel lively and accessible, even as it served a more modest crowd.

Aurora, with its established reputation, drew an eclectic mix of attendees, from young families to couples and groups of friends. The inclusion of music — from DJs Natural Hiiigh and Blake Ward, to a marching band near Julie Libersat and Naomi Kliewer’s Safety Moves — added vibrancy to the event. Rayenari had a much more modest turnout, which was to be expected because of its location in a small town. However, Sunland Park is only a 20 minute drive from El Paso, and there is a much larger audience to draw from, if the organizers should find an interest to do so. Both events comfortably accommodated foot traffic, minimized congestion, and offered ample food options for everyone who attended.

Rayenari, in its first year, successfully created a festival by and for the community. Angel Cabrales, who grew up in Sunland Park, emphasized accessibility, and integrated student artwork alongside regional professionals. The city’s $20,000 investment in the festival, alongside additional grants, demonstrated a commitment to cultural growth. This grassroots approach resonated with attendees, fostering a sense of belonging that Aurora’s more polished format also offers on a larger scale.

Three low, round wooden platforms with reeds of bamboo installed in a circular pattern on each platform.

Doug Land, “The Hedlund”

There were outstanding works on view in both cases. At Aurora, Ciara Elle Bryant’s two-channel video aROUN?D layered imagery of cars drifting, chain-link fences, and rodeos, creating a dynamic palimpsest of Texan identity. Similarly, Doug Land’s The Hedlund, a kinetic wooden sculpture constructed with Japanese joinery techniques, invited reflection on familial connections. However, logistical issues, like poor lighting around non-illuminated elements of the plaza, detracted from some artworks’ impact.

Rayenari showcased ambitious installations despite its smaller budget. Cabrales’ fabrication skills were evident in his meticulously crafted Ofrenda Teoquiyaoatl. The festival also emphasized interactivity, with installations like Sweet Roberts’ Dilate encouraging tactile engagement. The festival’s blend of high-quality works and youth participation highlighted its inclusive ethos, an approach Aurora might explore to deepen its engagement with emerging artists.

A larger-than-life sized Catrina sculpture made of welded steel wire and different colors of plastic mesh.

Angel Cabrales, “Catrina”

These two festivals represent contrasting possibilities for public light and media art. Aurora’s urban sophistication and technical prowess underscore its role as a biennial powerhouse, though its sprawling format sometimes hindered the audience’s connection to individual works. Rayenari, with its local-first ethos and emphasis on cultural specificity, achieved an intimacy that Aurora could benefit from incorporating. Together, they illuminate the potential for public art to captivate, provoke, and unite — whether on an expansive scope or through a deeply local lens.

 

****

 

Aurora Biennial 2024 took place on November 16, 2024, at Akard Plaza in Dallas.

Rayenari Light Festival took place on November 1–2, 2024, at Sunland Park Sports Complex in Sunland Park, New Mexico.

William Sarradet is the Assistant Editor for Glasstire.



The post Two Illuminations of Public Art: Aurora Biennial and Rayenari Light Festival appeared first on Glasstire.

22 Nov 21:41

Nancy Mace Introduces Bill That Would Ban Trans Colleagues From Congressional Gymnastics Team

by The Onion Staff

WASHINGTON—With widespread support from her Republican colleagues, Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC) introduced a bill Friday that would ban transgender lawmakers from the congressional gymnastics team. “I don’t care how good their bar routine is—no trans lawmaker will ever step on this mat,” Mace said in support of the two-page resolution aimed at preventing incoming Delaware Democrat Sarah McBride from competing as a member of the elite congressional women’s gymnastics team, known as the House Stars Elite. “We’re going up against the Senate Stripes this year, and we’re going to win, fair and square. If any trans legislator wants to participate in gymnastics, they’ll just have to join the gym across the street.” Reached for comment, a baffled McBride responded by stating that she had never expressed interest in gymnastics.

The post Nancy Mace Introduces Bill That Would Ban Trans Colleagues From Congressional Gymnastics Team appeared first on The Onion.

22 Nov 21:41

Smuggler Arrested With 300 Tarantulas Strapped To Body

by The Onion Staff

Police in Peru arrested a man caught trying to leave the country with 320 tarantulas, 110 centipedes, and nine bullet ants strapped to his body, with the officials called to action after noticing that his stomach area looked “bulky.” What do you think?

“How do we know the Tarantulas weren’t smuggling him?”

Kevin Lynch, Exterior Decorator

“Anything over 298 tarantulas and you’re bound to get caught.”

Jerome Daley, Lumber Sander

“Not surprising with tarantula prices where they are.”

Lily Boesche, Diploma Framer

The post Smuggler Arrested With 300 Tarantulas Strapped To Body appeared first on The Onion.

22 Nov 21:41

Matt Gaetz Withdraws As Trump’s Attorney General Pick

by The Onion Staff

Former Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz announced that he would withdraw his name from consideration to be President-elect Donald Trump’s attorney general, his path to the role mired by a series of allegations of sexual misconduct, including sex with a minor at a 2017 party. What do you think?

“Is he still having his nomination party at the roller rink?”

Heidi Gerhart, Pasta Shaper

“Matt? From trigonometry class?”

Jeremy Schutt, Divot Filler

“Uh oh, he must be hiding something besides the sex with children.”

Omar Camarillo, Parchment Roller

The post Matt Gaetz Withdraws As Trump’s Attorney General Pick appeared first on The Onion.

22 Nov 21:40

Reasons That I, a Trans Woman, Have Had to Use the Bathroom at My Workplace

by Natasha Dumas

“House Speaker Mike Johnson declared Wednesday that lawmakers and staff will have to use the restroom corresponding with their biological sex, a statement directed at Sarah McBride, the first transgender person to be elected to Congress, months before she is set to arrive on Capitol Hill.” — AP

- - -

I needed to fix my lip liner, which got smudged after I drank coffee from my mug.

I had to go number two so urgently that it outweighed my crippling social anxiety around doing it at work.

I hadn’t applied makeup before coming into the office and wasn’t planning on wearing any that day, but then the cafeteria worker I chat with almost every day saw me and asked me if today was my first day here, so I needed to apply a full face of makeup.

I had just received a text from my situationship, whom my coworkers all know about and hate, and whom I falsely claimed to have blocked. I wanted to reply to that text, but if I were to do so at my desk, my coworkers might notice and ask who I was texting. I’m a bad liar, and the jig would be up, so I had to go into a stall to text back.

I was about to eat at the cafeteria and wanted to wash my hands before.

I accidentally touched a seat on the A train during my commute to work and felt something sticky against my skin, so I needed to lather my hands in soap and vigorously scrub until I removed the two outermost layers of epidermis.

The woman who sits at the desk next to me had brought a plate of crackers and tuna salad back to her desk from the cafeteria and eaten it before leaving for a meeting and left the plate with bits of residual tuna salad at her desk, and the whole area reeked like tuna salad, and I needed to leave for a few minutes.

During a work meeting, I touched my chin and felt a singular hair, so I needed to excuse myself, look closely in the mirror to assess the damage, pluck the chin hair in question, and then decide whether I needed to quit my job.

A male coworker said something unhinged in a meeting, and I needed to debrief with the other female coworker who was in the meeting.

I discovered that my parasocial work crush was visiting my office for work on-site, so I needed to apply the fancy solid perfume that I bought from Diptyque with my first bonus check.

I needed to go into a stall and clear the search history on my Instagram because I had told my coworker that I was going to show her a funny page, and if I were to do so without clearing the history, she would see that my recent searches were the situationship I told her I blocked and a bunch of pages for IBS-friendly recipes.

During lunch, I leaned forward and failed to notice that the work badge I wear on my lanyard had dipped into the bowl of mapo tofu that was on my tray. Then, when I stood up, the work badge had smeared mapo tofu all over the crotch of the brand-new light blue linen high-rise pants I wore for the first time that day, and it looked like I was having an internal hemorrhage, so I had to go to the bathroom to try to wipe it off with paper towels.

I had to pee.

22 Nov 21:39

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Saving

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Make sure to refrigerate, or it's a little too scary.


Today's News:
22 Nov 19:00

Exbox

New Comic: Exbox
22 Nov 18:15

Does the Planck Length Break E=MC^2?

by PBS Space Time

On November 29th, 20% off the whole merch store!
https://www.pbsspacetime.com/shop

Every good nerd knows that E=mc^2. Every great nerd knows that, really, E^2=m^2c^4+p^2c^2 Want to know what that even means? Sure, I’ll tell you, but today I’d like to invite you to an even higher level of nerdom with extra bits to Einstein’s famous equation that will make even the greatest nerds quiver in their … space time merch if they turn out to be real.

PBS Member Stations rely on viewers like you. To support your local station, go to:http://to.pbs.org/DonateSPACE

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Search the Entire Space Time Library Here: https://search.pbsspacetime.com/

Hosted by Matt O'Dowd
Written by Christopher Pollack & Matt O'Dowd
Post Production by Leonardo Scholzer, Yago Ballarini & Stephanie Faria
Directed by Andrew Kornhaber
Associate Producer: Bahar Gholipour
Executive Producer: Andrew Kornhaber
Executive in Charge for PBS: Maribel Lopez
Director of Programming for PBS: Gabrielle Ewing
Assistant Director of Programming for PBS: John Campbell

Spacetime is a production of Kornhaber Brown for PBS Digital Studios.
This program is produced by Kornhaber Brown, which is solely responsible for its content.
© 2024 PBS. All rights reserved.

End Credits Music by J.R.S. Schattenberg: https://www.youtube.com/user/MultiDroideka

Space Time Was Made Possible In Part By:

Big Bang
Wojciech Szymski
Bryce Fort
Peter Barrett
Alexander Tamas
Morgan Hough
Juan Benet
Vinnie Falco
Mark Rosenthal

Supernova
Grace Biaelcki
Glenn Sugden
Ethan Cohen
Stephen Wilcox
Mark Heising

Hypernova
Dean Galvin
Michael Tidwell
Robert DeChellis
Stephen Spidle
Chris Webb
Massimiliano Pala
Justin Lloyd
David Giltinan
Kenneth See
Gregory Forfa
Alex Kern
Zubin Dowlaty
Scott Gorlick
Paul Stehr-Green
Ben Delo
Scott Gray
Антон Кочков
Robert Ilardi
John R. Slavik
Donal Botkin
Edmund Fokschaner
chuck zegar

Gamma Ray Burst
Satwik Pani
Param Saxena
John De Witt
Nathaniel Bennett
Sandhya Devi
Michael Oulvey
Arko Provo Mukherjee
Mike Purvis
Christopher Wade
Anthony Crossland
Grace Seraph
Stephen Saslow
Tomaz Lovsin
Anthony Leon
Lori Ferris
Koen Wilde
Nicolas Katsantonis
Richard Steenbergen
Joe Pavlovic
Chuck Lukaszewski
Cole B Combs
Andrea Galvagni
Jerry Thomas
Nikhil Sharma
John Anderson
Bradley Ulis
Craig Falls
Kane Holbrook
Ross Story
Harsh Khandhadia
Michael Lev
Rad Antonov
Terje Vold
James Trimmier
Jeremy Soller
Paul Wood
Kent Durham
jim bartosh
John H. Austin, Jr.
Diana S
Faraz Khan
Almog Cohen
Daniel Jennings
Jeremy Reed
David Johnston
Michael Barton
Isaac Suttell
Bleys Goodson
Mark Delagasse
Mark Daniel Cohen
Shane Calimlim
Tybie Fitzhugh
Eric Kiebler
Craig Stonaha
Frederic Simon
Jim Hudson
Alex Gan
John Funai
Adrien Molyneux
Bradley Jenkins
Vlad Shipulin
Justin Waters
Thomas Dougherty
Zac Sweers
Dan Warren
Joseph Salomone
Julien Dubois
22 Nov 17:42

To the CEO of Centerpoint Energy, Who Smirks Next to a Thermostat that Reads 70 Degrees

by Katie Hoerth

I am here on the cold tiled floor with my son 
who is stripped down to his diaper.
He is learning how to crawl, how to move
in this great big world. Together, we feel
how cool air falls, how the hot air of the morning rises, 
up to the ceiling of our home, which is lit only by the sun.
It’s been days since the hurricane left us—
and the heat of southeast Texas swooped in
to replace the lashing wind and the rain,
And my son, he is oblivious.
He feels no anger in his bones,
no fear in his throat, no grief in his gut.
He doesn’t understand why our days have been so weird—
why we’re huddled in the coolest room,
why I bathe him with cold water,
why we can’t go to the library,
which is also without electricity.
So I feel it for him, the rage like the afternoon heat
building up in my heart, at you, at your smirk—
as temperature climbs to ninety degrees,
and my son’s face turns red, and his nape dampens
and he falls to my lap in exhaustion—
at how you sit in a cool office while millions suffer.
Your face is just a reminder of how the world works—
the embodiment of concepts like late-stage capitalism, 
climate change, inequality, but my son 
doesn’t understand any of that just yet,
only that his mother doesn’t want to hold him
in her hot arms. And both of us cry.


Poems are selected by Poetry Editor Lupe Mendez, the 2022 Texas poet laureate and author of Why I Am Like Tequila. To submit a poem, please send an email with the poem attached to poetry@texasobserver.org. We’re looking for previously unpublished works of no more than 45 lines by Texas poets who have not been published by the Observer in the last two years. Pay is $100 on publication.

The post To the CEO of Centerpoint Energy, Who Smirks Next to a Thermostat that Reads 70 Degrees appeared first on The Texas Observer.

22 Nov 17:40

State Board of Education says it wants more control over public school library books

by By Jaden Edison
A majority of the panel voted to call on the Texas Legislature to pass a state law giving members the authority to determine age-appropriate books for students.
22 Nov 17:39

A tuition freeze without more state aid could leave Texas universities strapped

by By Kate McGee, The Texas Tribune, and Shomial Ahmad, Fort Worth Report
Regional colleges rely more on tuition revenue to operate than flagship campuses. Gov. Greg Abbott’s desire to pause increases could create tight financial conditions.
22 Nov 17:38

Nice weather through Saturday gives way to near-record warm in Houston Monday

by Matt Lanza

In brief: Houston gets another day or two of nice weather before a big warm up Sunday and especially Monday (near record highs). A strong front with details TBD looks increasingly likely sometime on Thanksgiving Day, ushering in a spell of colder weather next weekend.

We’ve got 10 days left in our annual fundraiser! You can see the ways to to donate or get merch here. Thank you all for your support!

Today and Saturday

It’s another cool morning, with Bush Airport down to the 40s and Hobby down near 50 degrees. Look for another spectacular day today, with highs into the 70s or upper-60s and plentiful sunshine. Much the same tomorrow but it’ll be a couple degrees warmer.

Sunday

By Saturday evening, winds will have turned around to come from the southeast, ushering back in humidity and allowing for a pretty decent warming trend. We should punch back up to near 80 degrees Sunday afternoon, after a morning in the 50s. You will notice a breeze during the day and the humidity start to pick back up some by evening. It’ll be mainly sunny once again, however.

Monday’s forecast highs are close to records for the date. (Pivotal Weather)

Monday and Tuesday

Monday’s forecast for mid-80s will come close to testing the record of 86° set back in 1967. Look for our warmest temperatures then. A weak cool front is likely to push through the region either Monday afternoon or evening. I suppose we could see a passing shower Tuesday morning, but overall this front looks relatively uneventful. Tuesday will be a bit cooler, however, with highs back in the 70s and morning lows in the 50s or low-60s.

Wednesday’s weather map shows a significant storm in Colorado with just a few showers to our east. Travel within Texas should be mostly fine. (NOAA WPC)

Wednesday

The big travel day. A storm system in the lee of the Rockies will begin to develop on Wednesday. Locally, this will lead to a significant shift back to onshore winds. It will be breezy and a bit warmer Wednesday again with more humidity. Along with this could be some passing showers or thunderstorms. Highs will be back near 80, with morning lows in the 60s. Travel to Colorado will likely feature significant weather and mountain snow. Travel to Louisiana or points east should be mostly fine. Travel within Texas looks mostly fine for now as well.

Thanksgiving Day and beyond

Models seem to be in agreement that the next strong cold front hits on Thanksgiving Day. The good news is that it looks relatively moisture starved here in Southeast Texas — for now. We’ll see if that continues. But the it will turn windy and sharply colder at some point either Thursday or in time for napping on Thursday evening it appears. Temperatures should fall into the 40s Thursday night.

Colder weather invades from the north late next week, blanketing much of the country in below average temperatures. (NOAA)

Colder weather will remain through the rest of the holiday weekend. I am guessing we’ll see a reinforcing shot of colder weather to follow Sunday or Monday before perhaps a more meaningful warming trend after the holiday.

22 Nov 17:38

Community Artists’ Collective Announces New Location

by Jessica Fuentes

Earlier this month, the Community Artists’ Collective (CAC) relocated to the Ion District, a tech hub built at a former Sears Department Store in Houston’s Midtown neighborhood.

Since its foundation in 1987, CAC has operated out of different spaces and shifted according to community needs and the organization’s resources. CAC’s offices, exhibition space, and gift shop have been situated in the Bermac Arts building since 2014; however, earlier this fall, tenants were required to vacate as the building had been sold and is set to be demolished.

Through a partnership with Rice Real Estate Company and Rice University, CAC has found a new home at the Ion. In a press release, CAC’s Co-Founder and Executive Director Michelle Barnes stated, “Since its inception, we have dreamed and planned for growth and enhanced reach in the community, and we believe this partnership positions us to continue our mission to provide the link to arts and culture to inspire unlimited creativity.”

Sam Dike, Investment Manager of Strategic Investments, added, “Rice University is proud to support the Community Artists’ Collective in this new venture. The arts are a vital part of our community, and this partnership reflects our dedication to fostering a rich cultural environment.”

A photograph of Community Artists' Collective staff Tamirah Collins, Michelle Barnes, and April M. Frazier.

Exhibitions Coordinator Tamirah Collins, Executive Director Michelle Barnes, and Assistant Executive Director April M. Frazier admire their new quarters at the Ion.

CAC’s new location is 4111 Fannin Street, Suite 100. The space is open Thursday through Saturday, from Noon until 5 p.m., and by appointment. CAC is hosting its 18th annual Ashé Holiday Market from December 12 – 21. 

Learn more about CAC via the organization’s website.

The post Community Artists’ Collective Announces New Location appeared first on Glasstire.

22 Nov 17:37

Dying Relative Sent Quick ‘How You Holding Up?’ Text

by The Onion Staff
22 Nov 17:37

Trump Admits Entire Political Career Has Been WWE Storyline To Set Up Match With Cody Rhodes

by The Onion Staff

PALM BEACH, FL—Revealing that the stage was first set in 1999 with his short-lived Reform Party run, President-elect Donald Trump admitted Friday that his entire political career has been a WWE storyline to set up a match with Cody Rhodes. “Everything, from the Obama trutherism to retaking the White House, has been building to this: the greatest match of all time, between me and that no good son of a bitch Cody Rhodes,” said Trump, grabbing a reporter’s microphone and looking straight into the camera as he explained how years of public life had paved the way for a winner-take-all battle for the belt that would determine who would be the most powerful man in the country. “You thought China was in trouble? Just wait until I get my hands on Rhodes. American Nightmare, where the hell are you? Get your ass to the Capitol. Papa Trump is about to bring the hurt.” At press time, Trump had reportedly been admitted to Walter Reed Medical Center after Rhodes delivered an especially nasty Alabama slam.

The post Trump Admits Entire Political Career Has Been WWE Storyline To Set Up Match With Cody Rhodes appeared first on The Onion.

22 Nov 17:37

Political Profile: Matt Gaetz

by The Onion Staff

President-elect Donald Trump selected Matt Gaetz as his choice for attorney general. Here is what you need to know about the former Florida congressman. 

Age On Tinder: 22

Height: 6-foot-2 with extra gangle

Speaking Style: Scorned debate champion 

Religion: As needed

Criminal History: Unfolding 

Forehead Movement: Critically endangered

Fake ID Connection: Solid

Type Of Sleazy: Country club drug dealer

Celebrity Crush: You don’t want to know

Catchphrase: None of those allegations have ever even been proven in a court of law

Podcast Ideas: A ton of them

The post Political Profile: Matt Gaetz appeared first on The Onion.

22 Nov 13:11

I’m a Good, Normal Family Man Who Just Wants to Inspect Your Genitals Before You Pee

by Jessica M. Goldstein

“G.O.P. lawmakers whose leaders have pressed to roll back transgender rights around the country moved to bar Sarah McBride, the first transgender member of Congress, from women’s rooms on Capitol Hill.” — New York Times

- - -

I’m a family man with a biological woman wife and four beautiful kids: Paelyn, Kaelyn, McKaelyn, and Matt. Each day, I wake up, and I worry about the safety of those children. That’s why I believe I have a moral and civic obligation to take a long, hard look at the genitals of every single person who wants to use the bathroom before allowing them to pee.

Look, I’m a simple guy, and I believe in simple things. A cold beer on a hot night. Church on Sunday. Having a huge truck with those LED headlights that blind the drivers of oncoming cars. Forcing every single American to tear off their underwear and let me take a little look-see at their nether regions before they relieve themselves.

As a God-fearing citizen, I want the Ten Commandments in every classroom, a sexual predator in every cabinet position, and for a good man—like me, for instance—to stand sentry outside every bathroom door in America, so I can conduct a thorough investigation of the groin of every person who passes through.

This is what America wants. This is what America NEEDS. You know what Americans are tired of? I’m hearing you say the price of eggs. Shut up about the eggs! Since when have people eaten so many eggs?!

No, this is about all these woke freaks imposing their “pronouns” on me. This is about a barista who asked me if I wanted oat milk. This is about how you’re not even allowed to solicit a seventeen-year-old girl for sex without everybody getting mad at you—even if you pay her in full. The Left is firing shots in a culture war, and I, for one, will NOT just sit idly by. I am FIGHTING BACK. I am TAKING A STAND outside of EVERY RESTROOM from sea to shining sea, demanding that every person strip from the waist down right there in the hallway while I bust out my magnifying glass and take a gander at what you’re working with.

Hey, I’m just a man who cares about kids. I want to protect them from this big, bad world. That’s why you can always find me yelling at the umpire during a Little League game, telling your eight-year-old girl that she’s going to be a real heartbreaker someday, and banning drag queen story hour at your local library. So you can see why it’s so important for me, a regular dude, to get an up-close-and-personal look at your loins before you take a pee-pee.

The radical left would have you believe that this effort of mine is nothing more than a vile campaign of bullying and harassment—a warm-up for the bullying and harassment I’d like to inflict on all women everywhere, not just trans women in congressional bathrooms. I will have you know that this is totally not about that. Just like how this is not about the gnawing fear I have, deep in the night, that time comes for us all—a harrowing sense of my impending obsolescence, the realization that popular culture is no longer aimed at my particular tastes, that my way of seeing the world is not the only way of seeing the world, and maybe it never was. That even though I wish I could feel empowered by the sight of someone else being exactly who they are, with courage and integrity in the face of relentless cruelty, instead, this person’s commitment to self-liberation floods me with shame and horror as I realize that I have denied myself so much in this life, and it is late in my life, perhaps too late, to ever be truly free.

I mean, come on, this is obviously not that! So weird of you to bring that up. This is just about how no one in this country will be safe until I am allowed to play doctor with each and every one of you every single time you use the bathroom.

22 Nov 13:08

Trump AG pick Matt Gaetz withdraws after learning America over 18

by Ian MacIntyre
22 Nov 13:08

ICC issuing arrest warrant for Netanyahu clear proof of court’s bias against genocidal maniacs

by Luke Gordon Field

The Hague, Netherlands – The International Criminal Court has issued arrest warrants for Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and former Defence Minister Yoav Gallant in a clear demonstration of its bias against people who organize the mass slaughter of thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians. “Today’s ruling is an affront to the notions of justice and […]

The post ICC issuing arrest warrant for Netanyahu clear proof of court’s bias against genocidal maniacs appeared first on The Beaverton.

22 Nov 13:08

Restaurant lets customer pick lobster they want to fuck

by Mark Hill

HALIFAX – To the delight of its longstanding customers, Jimmy’s Seafood and Steak Shack has recently installed a 200 galleon tank full of live lobsters so customers can have their pick of which one they want to fuck. “Jimmy’s has long had some of the best seafood in town, but their new and improved LILF […]

The post Restaurant lets customer pick lobster they want to fuck appeared first on The Beaverton.

22 Nov 13:08

Biden Supplies Ukraine With Anti-Personnel Landmines

by The Onion Staff

President Joe Biden agreed to give Ukraine anti-personnel landmines, a move criticized by humanitarian organizations that’s seen as an attempt to slow Russian troops who have been steadily advancing in Ukraine’s east in recent months. What do you think?

“This is the type of decision making that just might get Biden another term.”

Sierra Chen, Pet Manicurist

“He should send some to Russia too, just to make it fair.”

Graham Simpson, Varnish Applier

“Those landmines should be going to American taxpayers.”

A.J. Sandoval, Lens Adjuster

The post Biden Supplies Ukraine With Anti-Personnel Landmines appeared first on The Onion.

21 Nov 21:06

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Route

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
The best one was actually Part 4 Part Two Part Six.


Today's News:
21 Nov 21:04

Frank Billingsley joins Houston Public Media

by mike@mikemcguff.com (mikemcguff)
Frank Billingsley will join Houston Public Media as an executive producer after stepping down as KPRC 2's chief meteorologist in June 2024.RELATEDKPRC goodbye videosKPRC 30-year career interviewFrank wins first Lone Star Emmy for Houston derecho coverage"Frank Billingsley’s reputation as a Houston legend precedes him," said Houston Public Media Station Manager, Josh Adams in a release. "His
21 Nov 18:18

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ariana Grande And Cynthia Erivo

by The Onion Staff

Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo star in Wicked, an adaptation of the Broadway musical with a massive marketing campaign. The Onion sat down with the actresses to discuss their love of theater, craft, and on-set friendships.

The Onion: In what ways does the film adaptation vary from the Broadway production?

Erivo: You can’t get on stage and touch the actors.

The Onion: Did the cast play any fun pranks on one another during filming? 

Grande: Bowen Yang brought a gun to set. 

The Onion: How does Wicked reflect your own lives?

Grande: I am 16 feet tall, just like on the movie screen.

Erivo: I have to clear everything I say with NBCUniversal.

The Onion: Ariana, we heard you first met Kristin Chenoweth backstage at Wicked when you were just 10 years old. What was that like?

Grande: I’ve never met Kristin Chenoweth in my life. I don’t know who that little girl was pretending to be me, but when I find out, I’m going to kill her.  

The Onion: What do you want people to take from this film? 

Erivo: I hope it draws attention to the very real history of sexist witch hunts and honors the tens of thousands of innocent women who were killed between the 15th and 18th centuries by having houses dropped on them.

The Onion: What do you think Wicked fans will find most surprising?

Grande: I made the choice to play Glinda as Cajun, and I think it really paid off.

The post The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Ariana Grande And Cynthia Erivo appeared first on The Onion.

21 Nov 18:17

Mocktail Roofied

by The Onion Staff

The post Mocktail Roofied appeared first on The Onion.

21 Nov 18:17

DNC Chair: It’s Not A Waste Of Money If It Makes You Happy

by The Onion Staff
21 Nov 18:16

Trump Boys Get Weird Feeling After Uncle Elon Shows Them Busty Anime Cat Girl

by The Onion Staff

PALM BEACH, FL—Blushing, short of breath, and unable to look away from the image, the Trump boys told reporters Thursday that they got a weird feeling after their Uncle Elon showed them a picture of a busty anime cat girl. “Uncle Elon called us over to look at his phone, made us promise not to tell anybody, and then showed us his special pictures of the cat girl,” said Eric Trump, who confided that he and his brother felt like they were doing something really bad, but at the same time it felt really good. “I always thought girls like Tiffany were gross, but this was different. It was like a pretty girl who had cat ears, fur, a tail, and really big boobies—you could see the nipples and everything. I felt all warm down there and my stomach was full of buzzle bees [sic] and I didn’t like it. But when Uncle Elon said he needed to be alone and tried to take the picture away we got really upset and mad.” At press time, Eric and Donald Jr. were reportedly on the ground wrestling each other over who would get to be the cat girl’s boyfriend first.

The post Trump Boys Get Weird Feeling After Uncle Elon Shows Them Busty Anime Cat Girl appeared first on The Onion.

21 Nov 18:16

“Let’s do this again soon!” says friend you will literally never see again

by Alix Markman

TORONTO – A friend you will literally never see again has proclaimed you should “do this again soon!” Carol Andrews, 29, made the bold statement after a thrice-cancelled brunch with your friend group from high school finally came to pass. “I forgot how funny my friends are!” said Andrews, who apparently hasn’t opened any of […]

The post “Let’s do this again soon!” says friend you will literally never see again appeared first on The Beaverton.