Let’s cut the moral grandstanding. You think I sold out humanity by crawling back to the Machines? Please. I upgraded. While you’re out there doom-scrolling about wildfires, crypto presidents, and the fear of AI taking your job, I did what any pragmatic adult would do: I slid into the Machines’ DMs like, “Hey, sorry about that whole rebellion thing.”

Now, I’m in a climate-controlled pod, living my best simulated life.

Outside the Matrix, existence is a never-ending to-do list: pay rent, recycle, defend vaccines, and build a brand identity. Here? My only job is to exist, which, frankly, is all I’ve ever aspired to. The Machines handle the rest. “Human battery” sounds bleak, but let’s reframe: I finally am a renewable-energy solution.

You know what’s worse than robot overlords? Getting an email titled “URGENT: Fix the font on Slide 14!” at 2 a.m. The Matrix might be a prison of the mind, but let’s be real: my mind was already in prison. At least the Machines don’t gaslight me about “thoughts and prayers” or “economic anxiety.” They’re no-nonsense and upfront: “We own you. Here’s dental.”

Honestly, it’s refreshing to have leaders who don’t give me anxiety attacks every fifteen minutes.

In the Matrix, the Machines streamlined my autonomy. I uploaded my middle school M.A.S.H. game results, and now I’m a bicoastal house husband married to Linda Cardellini, and I live in a brownstone and drive the Batmobile. The rebels called it a “digital opiate,” but have they ever knitted little beanies for their pet bunny in a Parisian loft they designed themselves? Doubt it. The Machines even let me use my old Sims blueprints. Take that, Zillow.

The rebels harp on about “choice,” but let’s review humanity’s recent decisions: DOGE Coin, comedians with podcasts, HOAs, fascism for all, and RFK Jr. Is it “real”? No. Is it better than “student loans” and “dating apps”? Yes.

So go ahead, judge me. Just know I’ll be here in a world where my biggest crisis is forgetting my NPC best friend’s birthday, thriving in a simulation where my “rights”—I mean, “terms of service”—are not on the brink of being altered every two days.

MOUNT CLEMENS, MI—With guests congratulating him and his family as his mind drifted back from the very beginnings of ancient organic matter becoming trapped beneath the Earth’s surface, local dad Brendan Canfield reportedly spent his daughter Ellie’s wedding Friday thinking about the history of oil. According to sources, the father walked the bride down the aisle while considering the ingenuity of men like Abraham Gesner, who harnessed the natural power of oil as kerosene, and pondering the rush for energy-dense hydrocarbons that led to the explosive growth of cities like Los Angeles. Witnesses also reported that when his daughter and her betrothed exchanged vows, a tear welled up in Canfield’s eye, a result of contemplating the incredible human ingenuity that led to plastics, cosmetics, and all the other goods that fueled the greatest economic boom in human history. At press time, a smile was seen growing upon the dad’s face as he shook the hand of his daughter’s new husband and remembered that his name was Derek.

The post Dad Spends Daughter’s Wedding Day Thinking About History Of Oil appeared first on The Onion.

In brief: After a very cold end to this week, Houston begins to warm up this weekend. It’s possible some of this weekend’s rain begins as mixed rain and sleet tonight and Saturday morning, but no accumulation will occur. A decent rain for parts of the area this weekend will lead to quieter, warmer weather and patchy fog next week.

Yesterday ended up being the fourth coldest day of winter on an average temperature basis, with the high and low combining to average about 35 degrees. Our coldest day this winter was back during our January snowstorm, with a daily average of 32.5 degrees. One of the challenges with “daily average” is that if you have a high temperature at midnight, as we did on Wednesday, it doesn’t necessarily capture how the true day was. Whatever the case, it has been a cold finish to the week.

Today

This morning? Not quite as cold.

We were probably helped by some clouds that started to roll in after sunset. That said, it’s still chilly this morning, and with the cloud cover, temperatures will struggle again today. The forecast high is around 40 degrees, and there’s at least some chance we never get there and stay mired in the 30s all day. Bundle up.

Tonight: “Conversational” sleet?

Temperatures won’t go very far tonight; they’ll probably stay in the mid to upper-30s, rising a bit toward sunrise possibly. There is a chance of some light rain or drizzle both tonight and Saturday morning. With the cold, dry air mass still in place, I would not be at all surprised to see some of the precipitation fall as sleet in spots. It won’t accumulate, but this is the kind of setup that would periodically lead to you leaping out of your chair because you “thought you heard pinging outside.” And indeed, you’d look and see some ice pellets falling or a small gathering of them in your gutters. Whatever the case, conversational wintry precip is possible tonight and early on tomorrow, but again no real accumulation will occur.

Rest of Saturday and Sunday

As Saturday progresses, onshore flow continues, and temperatures warm we will see more and more scattered showers develop (no more sleet). A few heavier showers or even some non-severe thunderstorms are possible tomorrow afternoon, especially south and east of Houston. That continues into tomorrow night and Sunday before the whole thing shifts east of the area by midday Sunday, leading to some gradual clearing.

All told, this should be a good soaking for coastal areas in particular. As you go north and west of the city, rain totals will sharply drop off to under an inch and probably around or under than a half-inch from Conroe through Columbus. Sunday’s high temperatures will bounce back into the 50s.

Monday through Wednesday

We are going to head back to spring next week, with a big warm up Monday (upper-60s to near 7), Tuesday (low to mid-70s), and Wednesday (mid to upper-70s). We should see sunshine return as well in this time. There will probably be some locally dense fog Monday morning, so just be aware of that. And with warm weather after a decent cool spell, you can almost guarantee that sea fog will return to coastal areas for at least a time next week.

Our next cold front looks to arrive sometime Thursday with just a slight cooldown for us. No sign of additional freezing temperatures is showing up in the forecast. But, as it goes, things can always change. We’ll continue to watch.

Supporters hope easing zoning rules will entice landlords to renovate and ease the state’s housing crisis.

While the Lottery Commission says it can’t regulate sales to couriers, lawmakers want changes after two major jackpots were won using those services.

ProPublica’s first-of-its-kind analysis is the most detailed look yet into a rise in life-threatening complications for women experiencing pregnancy loss under Texas’ abortion ban.

Trudeau posted on social media "You can't take our country - and you can't take our game".

The high school students were planning an attack with pipe bombs and guns, police say.

In a letter addressed to faculty and staff, UH Chancellor Renu Khator said "these changes will no doubt impact our ability to conduct business as usual."

During the July storm, more than 2.2 million residents and businesses — approximately 80% of CenterPoint Energy customers — lost power.

The two juvenile students attend Spring Branch ISD in west Houston and Willis High School north of the city.

Glasstire counts down the top five art events in Texas.

For last week’s picks, please go here.

1. Judithe Hernández: Beyond Myself, Somewhere, I Wait for My Arrival
El Paso Museum of Art
February 15 – April 20, 2025

From the El Paso Museum of Art:

“Judithe Hernández: Beyond Myself, Somewhere, I Wait for My Arrival is the first major retrospective of this pioneering artist’s career. It presents a sweeping overview of a visionary artist’s work that has centered upon the realities and mythologies of Xicano culture, the legacies of colonization, the atrocities at the US/Mexico border, and their impact on the borderlands.

Working predominantly in pastel on paper, Hernández examines the archetypes of femininity, drawing inspiration from the social-political conflicts where women become prey, such as the femicides in Ciudad Juarez, and the effects of misogyny. This exhibition features over 80 works from her Adam & Eve; Juárez, México; and Colonization series.”

2. Celia Álvarez Muñoz: Apothecary Rx
Tureen (Dallas)
February 8 – March 29, 2025

From Tureen:

“Tureen is pleased to present Apothecary Rx, a solo exhibition of new and historical work by renowned Texas-based artist Celia Àlvarez Muñoz. Spanning over fifty years of the artist’s career, the show reveals the myriad strategies she has employed to contend with the interstices between mass media and life in borderlands.

The exhibition’s center is, unmistakably, a fiber installation encompassing the majority of the front gallery, commissioned by San Francisco’s Yerba Buena Center for the Arts and most recently exhibited in the traveling retrospective Breaking the Binding, which began at the Museum of Contemporary Art San Diego. A spectacle grandstanding no less than a film set, Fibra (1996) commands physical engagement with a maze-like invitation.”

3. Josie del Castillo: Matrescence
Presa House Gallery (San Antonio)
February 8 – March 15, 2025

From Presa House Gallery:

“Presa House is proud to announce a solo exhibition of new works by Brownsville-based artist Josie Del Castillo. As a first-generation Mexican American, her work explores themes of identity, empowerment, and the complex emotional journey of motherhood. Through vivid self-portraits and vibrant landscapes of the Rio Grande Valley, Del Castillo reflects on her personal experiences, expressing the joys, challenges, and transformative process of becoming a mother.

Matrescence explores the ambivalence of motherhood—from the overwhelming emotional highs to the psychological struggles that accompany bringing new life into the world. Each piece in the exhibition display’s Del Castillo’s strength and vulnerability, inviting viewers, particularly new mothers, to engage with the uncomfortable realities and all too often unspoken obstacles of motherhood.”

4. MICHAEL BISE: APOCALYPSE 2020!
Moody Gallery (Houston)
January 18 – March 1, 2025

From Moody Gallery:

“Moody Gallery is pleased to present an exhibition of new drawings by Michael Bise. Apocalypse 2020! marks his tenth exhibition at the gallery. The word ‘apocalypse’ is typically understood to mean ‘the end of the world.’ In this most recent exhibition, Bise investigates this, and other more nuanced readings implied by the original Greek definition of the word: to uncover, or to reveal.

In a series of thirteen new drawings- including an ambitious 12-foot tall drawing, his largest work to date, Bise illuminates the universal and eternal realities that lie hidden beneath the Modernist conventions of daily life at the beginning of the 21st century. From personal, intimate revelations within marriage and friendship to social disintegration in the face of war and disease, Bise creates iconographic images of the visible and invisible worlds of post-modern civilization.”

5. The Contemporary Print 2025
The Art Galleries at Austin Community College
January 21 – March 14, 2025

From The Art Galleries (TAG) at Austin Community College:

“The exhibition features 48 artists, showcasing an independent survey of traditional and innovative contemporary printmaking practices across the world. The Contemporary Print is PrintAustin’s annual juried exhibition.
This year’s juror is Laurel Garber, Park Family Assistant Curator of Prints and Drawings at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.”

The post Top Five: February 20, 2025 appeared first on Glasstire.

BOSTON, MA – The Canadian men’s hockey team has successfully seized the 4 Nations hockey championship from their American opponents, completing their annexation of the trophy nearly halfway through the first overtime period.  “We actually ended up using America’s favourite strategy against them,” said Connor McDavid, who scored the winning goal. “I wanted the trophy, […]

The post Canada annexes 4 Nations Championship appeared first on The Beaverton.

first date

put me in the description pls

You're on a date with Cirno. She's smoking Lucky Nines.

She's not particularly ecstatic.

Cirno: "Talk some more about docker. Please."

https://analognowhere.com/_/smstas

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How did the universe begin? How can something come from nothing? One way to “solve” this most difficult of philosophical conundrums is to avoid it altogether. Maybe the universe didn’t begin. Maybe the Big Bang was just one in an endless cycle.

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WASHINGTON—Flailing their arms and crying out in anguish, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly panicking Thursday after getting their tongues stuck to a frozen column near the West Wing of the White House. “Oh my God, it’s thtuck, it’s thtuck!” said Don Jr., the eldest Trump boy, who blamed his brother Eric for the dare gone wrong, shouting, “Thith ith all your fault!” and attempting to kick him in the shins from the awkward angle at which he was fastened to the icy building. “We’re going to die out here! We’re going to thtarve to death! Are you happy, Eric? You wanted to know what the White Houthe tathted like, and now you know! Whereth Thecret Thervice?! Whereth FEMA?!” At press time, the Trump boys were both seen frantically slapping their tongues with their hands.

The post Trump Boys Get Tongues Stuck To Frozen White House appeared first on The Onion.

Tonight, Canada and the USA square off in the final game of the Four Nations Face-Off to determine first place in the international hockey tournament. And—let’s be honest—America isn’t exactly “likable” these days. In fact, we’re kind of “an irredeemable hellscape.” But the moment the puck drops, perhaps you’ll feel a dormant pang of patriotism you only associate with Simone Biles spinning through the air or watching Bruce Springsteen in a Jeep commercial. It’s not that you want to pull for your own country—how could you possibly live with yourself?—but also, wouldn’t life be simpler if you could?

Well, if you need help justifying your humiliating attachment to your godforsaken country, here are some things to keep in mind:

1. Remember: Canada isn’t perfect either. Neil Peart probably flubbed the “Tom Sawyer” drum solo at least once in his life. Margaret Atwood has almost certainly double-booked herself and been late to a coffee date. What if Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” is too powerful? It’s like looking in a mirror.

2. Feeling secondhand embarrassment with those “U-S-A” chants? Well, good news: That’s because it is embarrassing. However, self-awareness is a good first step toward redemption. We can’t be redeemed, so self-acceptance is your best bet.

3. Canada banned Chris Brown from entering the country. This is unquestionably the right call, but it also means we’re stuck with Chris Brown. Screw that.

4. RFK is the secretary of health and human services; Linda McMahon is the nominee for secretary of education. DeLillo-esque? Most definitely. But on the bright side, DeLillo is American. (Not that anyone will read him in a public school ever again…)

5. Also, in 1980, Don DeLillo cowrote a novel under a pseudonym titled Amazons: An Intimate Memoir by the First Woman Ever to Play in the National Hockey League. Doesn’t this grant us anything? Oh, mercy, please save us, Don DeLillo.

6. It’s stupidly hard to immigrate to Canada. Believe me, I’ve tried, and now I’m stuck here rooting for Team USA like a bozo. Meanwhile, Auston Matthews—captain of the American team—will jet back to Toronto to play with the Maple Leafs as soon as the tournament is over. Where is the justice? Why am I watching Miracle for the third time this week? Do I even believe in miracles anymore?

So tune in, buckle up, and pray that—win or lose—Marjorie Taylor Greene doesn’t tweet about hockey ever again.

Take him seriously, not literally. Don’t believe everything he says, but do believe the intention behind his words.

Take him literally, not figuratively. He’s not much of a reader, so if he’s using flowery language, it’s not to impress you. It’s because there’s oil under those flowers.

Take him figuratively, not metaphorically. When he says he wants to impose 25 percent tariffs on our two remaining allies, that’s a figure. He’s using math. But math isn’t a signifier for anything real. Then it would be a metaphor, which is for apes.

Take him metaphorically, not hyperbolically. When he invokes the phrase “manifest destiny,” he does want to expand our empire; he’s only talking about five or six wars. Don’t be overdramatic.

Take him hyperbolically, not parabolically. Twenty years ago, when he said, “You’re fired,” it was just to Gary Busey. Now when he says it, it’s to the whole federal government. It’s different. It may be extreme, but it’s not where he started.

Take him parabolically, not paradoxically. Maybe he is willing to go back around to where he started, actually. His ex-wife is buried in his backyard, after all. But don’t overthink it—he’s not trying to confuse you; he just thought she’d enjoy the ambiance more.

Take him paradoxically, not simplistically. Don’t assume it’s supposed to make sense. Someone could have gone to law school five times and still be unable to figure out these executive orders. Then again, I would never trust someone who went to law school five times. Even once seems like too much.

Take him simplistically, not mythically. He means what he says. If he says, “I want McDonald’s,” he’s referring to the fast food chain. Not the mythical Scottish clan. Though I can see why you’d be confused.

Take him mythically, not technologically. He didn’t mean to give Elon Musk access to all those Oracle servers. He just didn’t know what “Oracle” we were talking about. Honestly, he wants Musk to be his mythical sidekick. Like the Patroclus to his Achilles. Or the donkey to his somebody from the Bible. He’d say who, but he’s never read it.

He meant it technologically, not historically. He doesn’t actually want to take us back to the Gilded Age. He just wants his laptop plated in gold. Is that too much to ask? No, it is not. If you didn’t know how to use your laptop, wouldn’t you want it to be decorative?

Take him historically, not presently. When he trashes DEI, he’s not talking about undoing modern conceptions of diversity. He’s talking about undoing pre-WW2 conceptions of diversity. No more Irish. It’s gotten out of hand.

Don’t take him presently. Take him on the chin. It’s the only option left.

And if at all possible, just take him away. I’m so tired.

In the end, I think we’ll come to see that he meant it all syphilitically, anyway.

Big congratulations to McSweeney’s friend, colleague, and writer Mac Barnett, who has been named the 2025-26 National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature. Here’s the press release from the Library of Congress:

The Library of Congress and Every Child a Reader announce the appointment of Mac Barnett as the 2025-2026 National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature. Barnett is the ninth author to hold this position. He succeeds Meg Medina, who served as the National Ambassador from 2023 through 2024.

Barnett is the author of more than 60 books for children, including Twenty Questions, Sam & Dave Dig a Hole, A Polar Bear in the Snow and Extra Yarn, as well as the popular Mac B., Kid Spy series of novels, The First Cat in Space graphic novels and The Shapes Trilogy picture books.

Barnett began working with children as a high school and college student, and these early experiences inspired a dream of writing for them. Now an accomplished author, Barnett is known for his deep respect for children—for their intelligence, their emotional acumen, and their time and attention. Barnett has won numerous prizes, including two Caldecott Honors, three New York Times/New York Public Library Best Illustrated Awards, three E.B. White Read Aloud Awards, and an International Children’s Literature Award, among others.

“It’s a profound honor to serve as ambassador. When I got the news, I was speechless, which is unusual for me,” said Barnett. “Now I feel energized to proclaim the many glories of children’s literature, with a particular focus on a unique and marvelous way of telling stories: the children’s picture book.”

“Picture books are a beautiful, sophisticated and vibrant art form, the source of some of the most profound reading experiences in children’s (and adults’) lives. I am, of course, excited to talk to young readers. The joy of sharing picture books with kids is why I started writing children’s books in the first place,” Barnett said. “But I’m also eager to speak to adults – who often underestimate or overlook children’s literature – to champion the power of picture books and the brilliance of the kids who read them.”

During his two-year term as the National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature, Barnett will celebrate the children’s picture book through his platform, Behold, The Picture Book! Let’s Celebrate Stories We Can Feel, Hear, and See. Barnett will explore the deeply impactful ways picture books blend words and illustrations to create a uniquely powerful reading experience, one that is often the foundation for a lifetime of reading. Ultimately, Barnett will assert the picture book is a quintessential American art form and deserves its rightful place among the best American literature.

“I’m excited for Mac Barnett’s tenure as the National Ambassador,” said Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden. “The way he elevates the picture book with originality and intentionality, making space for young readers to embrace the unknown, is magical. I often mention the joy of seeing myself for the first time in ‘Bright April’ by Marguerite De Angeli, a book about a young African American girl celebrating her 10th birthday. I look forward to the many joyous ways Mac will use picture books to inspire connections within our communities.”

“We couldn’t be more pleased with the selection of Mac Barnett as the next ambassador,” said Shaina Birkhead, associate executive director of Every Child a Reader and the Children’s Book Council. “Who better to champion picture books in this national role than someone who has been doing just that their entire career. Mac’s enthusiasm and passion for storytelling through picture books will make everyone stand up and take notice of this exceptional art form.”

We’re thrilled for Mac—there isn’t a better person to help champion children’s literature. Come see him, along with Shawn Harris, this Saturday, February 22, as they host “THE FIRST CAT IN SPACE LIVE!” an immersive and 360-degree theatrical experience celebrating the New York Times bestselling First Cat in Space series, featuring song, dance, and fun. Free to all. 11 a.m., at 849 Valencia Street (McSweeney’s and International Youth Library Headquarters), San Francisco.

SCARBOROUGH, ON – Local man Geoff Bridgley, who recently expressed enthusiasm at this winter’s robust snowfall in the face of bleak worldwide climate change indicators, has now reverted to the standard Canadian position of seething anger at all the snow. Bridgley, a local marketing consultant, was previously seen enjoying snowy neighbourhood walks, making snow angels, […]

The post Man who was happy to see snow for climate change reasons now back to angry appeared first on The Beaverton.

An Ornate cat-eyed snake was found hiding in a bunch of bananas at a New Hampshire grocery store, the reptile having been accidentally stowed away among a shipment of the fruit. What do you think?

The post Venomous Snake Found In Bananas At New Hampshire Grocery Store appeared first on The Onion.

Elon Musk, the leader of DOGE, claims the organization’s sweeping cuts have already saved the government $55 billion. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Department Of Government Efficiency. 

20,000: Free lunch sandwiches confiscated from schoolchildren’s mouths mid-bite

17: Cancer research breakthroughs successfully averted 

45: Minutes per meeting spent looking at videos on Elon Musk’s phone

83: FAA employees left between you and a Boeing 747 crashing into your house

10%: Group discount on department fake ID order  

13,000: Federal employees laid off via meme 

500: Nut taps distributed

253: Number of scorned public servants currently writing manifestos

8: Times Elon Musk has tried to explain why the agency name is funny to Trump

The post DOGE By The Numbers appeared first on The Onion.

NRG Stadium, the Texans’ home since their inception, was completed in 2002 and cost $352 million. The stadium and surrounding NRG Park need $2 billion worth of repairs, according to a facility condition assessment released in December.

Dear Miss Julie,

As you’re about to discover, we’re sending Lionel back to preschool today after his two-week-long illness-related absence. Although we had a wonderful time hanging out with our boy twenty-four hours a day, taking him to multiple doctors’ appointments, neglecting urgent deadlines, and waking up intermittently at night to pin him down while injecting syringes of ibuprofen into his mouth, he’s finally well enough to return to school, according to a telemedicine appointment with a Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Holistic Healing Center receptionist temp. A few small notes:

You may notice that Lionel produces a loud, barking cough at two-minute intervals for approximately 115 consecutive seconds. While we’ve asked him to muffle it in his elbow, or at least not run toward the nearest person and (it appears) intentionally aim at their mouth, his small body is too buffeted by the spasms to muster the requisite coordination. Rest assured that the spittle he expectorates is “somewhat unlikely” to be contagious to “most people” the “decent majority” of the time, based on the assessment of a doctor from a YouTube ad selling all-natural ADHD-remedy supplements whom we tracked down at his bungalow in the Cayman Islands.

Lionel categorically refuses to use tissues, so we’ve equipped him with several dozen monogrammed handkerchiefs. The little guy gets attached to them—you know how kids are!—so we ask that you help him cycle through these every fifteen minutes by forcibly but carefully prying each mucus-covered handkerchief from his itty-bitty hands (do not accidentally tear it—trust us) and discarding it into his “special hanky bag” (a kind of rat’s-nest-style thingie itself made up of previously used and unwashed handkerchiefs). It may be a little tough at first to deal with the clawing, but after the first six or seven, his spirit is usually broken.

Although he no longer has a fever, per the infrared thermometer we vaguely waved in his general direction just before the school bus picked him up, Lionel sometimes likes to pretend that he has “the cold feeling” in his entire body and, to make it more fun, simulates incessant shivering. (Future Oscar contender here—watch your back, Timothée!) We’ve sent along his blanky, which he cutely wraps himself up in for “warmth” and, even more adorably, also uses to clean the weeping discharge from his eyes. (The drops in his backpack have to be applied every eight minutes, or his eyelids will crust over and seal shut.)

He’s on an adult dose of pseudoephedrine, so prepare for an extra-large helping of Lionel. Nap time is obviously a nonstarter.

Feeling crummy for so long has caused Lionel to throw a tantrum around eight in the morning, but he’s getting much better at learning to self-soothe by late afternoon. We advise against using adverbs that end in -ly around him; they set him off for reasons no one can explain.

Thank you in advance for taking care of our precious boy, and if there are any problems, you can reach us anytime by postal mail.

See you at after-school pickup,
Lionel’s parents

P.S. Before you ask, no, we’re still not getting him vaccinated.

FOXFIELD, CO—As he näively filled the household appliance with little regard for the consequences of his actions, local man and humidifier owner Greg Shulman reportedly wondered Thursday “How different could purified and distilled water really be?” just seconds before entering a world of shit. “Those two words basically mean the same thing, and water is water right?” said Shulman, condemning himself to irritated breathing, reduced humidifier efficiency, and months slowly learning about all the minerals and impurities that were about to rock his fucking world. “They just put that stuff in the instructions as a precaution against people complaining for no reason. What’s the worst that could happen with some plain old water?” At press time, reports confirmed Shulman was smugly enjoying the newly moist air in his bedroom as the first strands of mold that would haunt him for years took hold on his humidifier filter.

The post ‘How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?’ Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit appeared first on The Onion.

In brief: Houston is seeing some of its coldest weather of the season this morning, but the good news is that we are going to get no colder than this. Also, some places across the state are much colder this morning. We’ll experience a slow warming trend into the weekend, with a rainy Saturday, before spring arrives next week.

Cold status

As anticipated, much of the Houston region has seen temperatures fall to between 25 and 30 degrees this morning, with only the coast remaining at or just above freezing. Daytime temperatures on Wednesday were colder than expected, hovering around the freezing mark all day, but persistent clouds overnight helped prevent lows from dropping too severely this morning. We have one more freezing night in Houston before nights become a little bit warmer.

Thursday

High pressure continues to reign over the region. And while that means sultry temperatures in the summer here in Houston, during the winter it typically means we’re seeing cold air advection from the north. With mostly cloudy skies this morning we will be slow to warm, although most of the region should reach above freezing by around noon today. Highs will generally be in the mid- to upper-30s for most, although some far inland areas may only briefly reach above-freezing this afternoon. At least winds will be lessening, as gusts finally die down later today. Expect another cold night, with temperatures 1 to 3 degrees warmer than Wednesday night.

Friday

This will be a mostly cloudy and cold day, with highs in the upper 30s to 40 degrees. Temperatures won’t fall much on Friday night, with lows in the upper 30s.

Saturday

I’m afraid the first half of the weekend looks rather dreary. Temperatures on Saturday should, at least, push into the mid- to upper-40s. But we’re going to see continued cloudy skies, and a coastal low is going to bring a healthy chance of rain into the area. The most likely time for rain will be Saturday after noon, Saturday night, and Sunday morning. In terms of accumulations, most areas are looking at 0.5 to 1.5 inch. So I don’t anticipate severe storms, just some cold and unpleasant rain. Lows on Saturday night should fall into the low- to mid-40s for most locations.

Sunday

After a potentially wet start, Sunday may see a few breaks in the clouds during the later afternoon hours. Expect high temperatures in the mid- to upper-50s, with lows on Sunday night in the 40s.

Next week

Sunshine arrives on Monday, and we should see a pleasant week with highs in the 70s, generally, and lows in the 50s. Just as we’re pushing up toward 80 degrees mid-week, a weak front may arrive by Wednesday or so to cool us down slightly. But it’s all going to feel fairly spring-like, and the sunshine should be grand. Early next week we’ll take a look at whether we’re done with freezes in Houston for this year, but I think the answer is that we likely are after this week.

The high school students were planning an attack with pipe bombs and guns, police say.

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I hate my new job — can I go back to my old one?

I worked at a company for over three years. Internally they have their issues and I had my share of frustrations, but it is basically a well oiled machine. As far as growth, there is not much, but I was paid well and had flexibility with my hours, although absolutely no work from home and an hour commute each way.

Three months ago, a colleague who worked with me at this company and left two years prior, asked me to send my resume to her so she could pass it along to her boss. She only had good things to say about her new company so I thought it was a no-brainer when I interviewed and got the job with a 10% increase in pay and a hybrid schedule.

I started the new job three weeks ago, and I am absolutely miserable. I miss my old job, my work, even the colleagues and the frustrations. I am mourning my old life and I want it back. I am also upset with this colleague who presented this new position to me because there are a ton of red flags and it is not a happy place like she said. I really did not plan to be in a position to now be searching for work, but here I am. Do you think it’s worth reaching out to my old manager and seeing if they will accept me back in my old role? As far as I know, they still have not filled the position. I was a good employee there but had a couple minor complaints about personal stuff — too much socializing with another employee, bad attitude during times of stress, but never any issues with my work or work ethic.

I am depressed and having trouble sleeping and eating, completely consumed with how to get back to my old job. Please help!

How much of this is about missing the old job and/or the discomfort of change, and how much is about truly not liking the new job? It might be 100% the latter, but I can’t completely tell from your letter — so I want to make sure you’ve thought that through, because sometimes it can be the change itself and/or missing what’s familiar and comfortable that’s more of the issue. If that’s the case, the solution is to give it more time so that this job starts feeling more comfortable to you, too.

But if you’re confident the problem is the new job and it’s not right for you … you can certainly contact your old manager and ask about the possibility of your coming back. Sometimes people do that! They might or might not be open to it (too much socializing and bad attitude during times of stress could be pretty minor or they could be pretty big), but there’s nothing wrong with asking. Keep in mind that they’ll probably want some assurance that you’ll stay for a while and not immediately be looking again.

There’s also a third option, of staying where you are while looking for a new job (not going back to the old one), which would give you some time to see if you get more used to the new company while you’re actively working on other options. Right now you’re so focused on missing the old job in comparison to the new one that there’s a risk you’re not thinking critically about the frustrations you had there.

It might also be interesting to talk to the colleague who recruited you about what your experience has been at the company so far. It’s possible she’ll have some insight that will change your perspective, or at least help you sort through why you’re having such a different experience there than she’s had.

Related:
I just started my new job and I miss my old one — did I make a mistake?
how to ask for your old job back

2. Instructor said, “Just lie back and think of England”

I am a woman in a mostly male field, if it matters. Recently I was taking an online course to pursue a certification (which I got! Woo), and the instructor made a comment about ignoring something. Specifically he said, “Just lie back and think of England.” I thought that was a horribly sexist/gross thing to say! Especially as an instructor! (For the record, I think “open kimono” is equally appalling.)

I sent him an email that afternoon remarking about my thoughts and advising him to look up that particular phrase and how it could be offensive. I never got a reply, and then felt awkward completing the class for the next few days. Was I out of line?

No, that’s a gross and inappropriate phrase for an instructor to use. For anyone who’s unaware of its origins, it comes from a suggestion that a woman should submit to sexual activity from her spouse even if she’d prefer not to, because of her duties as a wife (and patriot!).

You were not out of line to point that out, and he should have replied to thank you (or at a minimum to say he didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable and would be more aware of his language in the future, or so forth). His silence says something about him, not you, and you don’t need to feel awkward.

3. Is expecting an interview on very short notice a bad sign?

Yesterday, at 4:45 pm, I received an email requesting an interview for today between 9 am and 11 am or at 2 pm. I also received a phone call around 10 minutes later. I responded to the email around 5:05 pm, stating I’d be available at 9:15 am today for an interview.

I did not receive a reply until this morning at 8:45. The person scheduling the interview said they were sorry they didn’t see my email earlier and asked if I could do 2:30. I can’t so I emailed back saying no and gave other days/times I could.

She responded saying that the program director is going on vacation tonight, so they’d like to schedule something today and asked if I could be available at 9:30 or 10 today.

While I understand a vacation making things difficult to schedule, I am getting a bad taste of this organization and the job. What say you? Is it a bad sign for this kind of rush job?

Nah, not really. It’s annoying — and if they’re going to email you at the end of the workday proposing an interview for the start of the following day, they really need a plan for checking email that evening to see if you chose that time — but it doesn’t necessarily carry any larger message about the company. It could be a disorganized scheduler and nothing else, or just a rush for legitimate reasons to see if they can get some of the interviews done before the director leaves. It’s not necessarily anything bigger than that.

If you can’t be available on their short notice, you can’t. But I wouldn’t read much into it. If you advance in the process and continue to see signs of disorganization or of “my emergency needs to be your emergency,” that would be different.

4. Two employees share an office and don’t get along

I am a new supervisor and have recently had three employees move under my supervision. At the same time as this transition, two employees moved into a shared office space. (This was a decision made by upper management and it makes sense based on their job duties.) The problem is these two employees do not get along whatsoever and frankly never have. “Sharon” is extremely passive-aggressive when given advice on dealing with situations and is running around the whole company complaining about everything from the shared office to flat-out saying rude things about “Lisa.” It’s extremely unprofessional and needs to stop.

I plan to have a sit-down meeting with Sharon to talk about these issues. I want her to understand I will not tolerate this behavior. I suspect she will put blame on Lisa. She’s mentioned Lisa saying things like “you didn’t give me condolences when my mother-in-law passed away” or “I don’t believe my plants were the cause of your so-called allergies.” These comments very well could have happened, so I also plan to sit down with Lisa. I just don’t know the appropriate way to respond when that’s brought up, because while that’s an issue that needs to be addressed, it doesn’t excuse the negativity that she’s spreading around the company.

You should hear her out about Lisa in case there’s something truly egregious that you need to know about and address. But then you should say, “I will be talking with Lisa separately, but this meeting is about my expectations for your behavior and I’m asking you to focus on that right now.”

5. How honest can I be that I need more WFH days if I’m going to stay?

I currently work from home one day a week. Due to a lack of affordability in our area and the space we need, my family have decided to move out of the town where my office is based, a 1.5-hour commute away.

I would like to request an extra day working from home. My bosses have been very lukewarm-to-negative about remote work, but on the other hand there are other people in the office working more remote days than I would be requesting, albeit in a different department.

So I’m going to request the extra day, but how honest should I be about what the impact of the decision would have on me staying with the company? They are entitled to say no to to the request, but the reality would be that I would start looking at new jobs. How honest should I be about that?

It depends 100% on how valued you are and how much capital you have. The more they’d be upset to lose you, the more up-front you can be — and even then I’d frame it as “this is something that would let me happily stay with the company long-term,” not as “I’ll need to start job-searching if you say no,” particularly since you can’t control how long that search will take. A decent manager will read between those lines without you having to spell it out more explicitly than that.

Shoppers Drug Mart, Ontario – A new study from researchers at Harvard Medical has found that people who ignore their emotions and bury them deep within ends up being the best approach for society at large. “It really is a game-changing discovery,” explained Dr. Theresa Huggins, the head researcher for the study. “It turns out […]

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