#Rowen #RoninWarriors

There heads dropping foward, every muscle relaxing, relaxing, until finally they're in deep, deep sleep. #CowboyWho

In his first news conference since the federal election, the PM laid out his approach to talks with his US counterpart.

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I don't know why either, but it was fun to draw.

Today's News:

NBC News:

When Welker tried to point out what the Fifth Amendment said, Trump suggested that such a process would slow him down too much.

“I don’t know. It seems — it might say that, but if you’re talking about that, then we’d have to have a million or 2 million or 3 million trials,” he said. “We have thousands of people that are — some murderers and some drug dealers and some of the worst people on Earth.”

“I was elected to get them the hell out of here, and the courts are holding me from doing it,” he added.

“But even given those numbers that you’re talking about, don’t you need to uphold the Constitution of the United States as president?” Welker asked.

“I don’t know,” Trump replied. “I have to respond by saying, again, I have brilliant lawyers that work for me, and they are going to obviously follow what the Supreme Court said.”

The oath of office, which Trump has now taken twice, is “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

I’ll repeat what I wrote a few weeks ago when the Chinese government correctly mocked Trump’s tariffs as “a joke in the history of world economics”: Democrats and all other Trump opponents should repeatedly call into question Trump’s mental fitness for office. Don’t (just) argue that he’s trying to subvert the Constitution as a WWE-style authoritarian, but argue (also) that he clearly doesn’t even remember the oath of office. He’s in early dementia. Trump’s father was suffering from severe dementia when he was Trump’s age. Throw Biden under the bus: remind people that we just saw what happens when a mentally enfeebled 80-year-old^* serves as President, and that under Trump it’s far worse. Biden was sleepy but steady; Trump is agitated and erratic. Only some dementia sufferers act lost and confused — others act out in anger and belligerence. Trump is in the latter group. He doesn’t remember the oath of office.

* Keep calling him “80”; make his sycophants correct you that he’s “only” turning 79 in June.

by Cassandra Jaramillo and Lizzie Presser

ProPublica is a nonprofit newsroom that investigates abuses of power. Sign up to receive our biggest stories as soon as they’re published.

The Texas Senate has unanimously passed legislation that aims to prevent maternal deaths under the state’s strict abortion ban.

Written in response to a ProPublica investigation last year, Senate Bill 31, called The Life of the Mother Act, represents a remarkable turn among the Republican lawmakers who were the original supporters of the ban. For the first time in four years, they acknowledged that women were being denied care because of confusion about the law and took action to clarify its terms.

“We don’t want to have any reason for hesitation,” said Republican state Sen. Bryan Hughes, who authored the state’s original abortion ban and sponsored this reform with bipartisan input and support. Just last fall, he had said the law he wrote was “plenty clear.”

The bill stops short of removing what doctors say are the ban’s biggest impediments to care, including its major criminal penalties, and doesn’t expand abortion access to cases of fetal anomalies, rape or incest. Sen. Carol Alvarado, the Democratic lawmaker who co-authored the bill, said that its limits were a “real hard pill to swallow” but that it could still make a difference. “I believe this bill will save lives,” she said.

ProPublica’s reporting showed how doctors in states that ban abortion have waited to intervene in cases where women ultimately died of high-risk complications.

To address that problem, Senate Bill 31 states that a life-threatening medical emergency doesn’t need to be “imminent.” It also says doctors can terminate ectopic pregnancies, which occur when the fertilized egg implants outside of the uterine cavity. It would allow for a pregnant patient to receive cancer treatment, Hughes said, even if doing so threatened the viability of a fetus.

The bill also clarifies that medical staff or hospital officials can discuss termination with patients without violating a provision of the law that criminalizes “aiding and abetting” an abortion. It had been unclear to doctors whether simply discussing the option could lead to steep criminal penalties; patients have reported not being able to get straight answers from their providers about their prognosis and options for treatment.

It remains to be seen how the bill, if made law, would be interpreted by doctors and hospitals, and whether risk-averse institutions would still delay care during pregnancy complications.

Many reproductive rights advocates are skeptical given that the bill does not explicitly address many high-risk pregnancy complications. The most common one in the second trimester, previable premature rupture of membranes, or PPROM, occurs when someone’s water breaks early. In these cases, the chance of the fetus surviving is low, but delaying a pregnancy termination leaves the patient at risk of infection, which can lead to sepsis, a potentially deadly condition. Since the state banned abortion, lawyers at many hospitals across Texas have advised physicians not to empty the uterus until they can document signs of infection — an indication of a life-threatening emergency.

The death of Josseli Barnica, which ProPublica reported last year, reveals the dangers of forcing miscarrying patients to wait for care. Diagnosed with an “inevitable” miscarriage at 17 weeks, she showed symptoms similar to PPROM without an official diagnosis — her water had not yet broken. While stable, she was made to wait 40 hours until the fetal heartbeat ended before doctors induced delivery. She later died of sepsis, which medical experts say she likely developed because of the wait.

In addition to documenting cases in which women died of sepsis, ProPublica has shown how rates of the potentially deadly complication spiked by more than 50% statewide in second-trimester pregnancy-loss hospitalizations after Texas banned abortion.

Officials with the Texas Medical Association, the Texas Hospital Association and major anti-abortion groups — Texas Right to Life, Texas Alliance for Life and the American Association of Pro-Life OB-GYNs — told ProPublica they believed that this bill would now allow doctors to offer a termination at the point of a PPROM diagnosis, before infection set in.

Dr. Zeke Silva, chair of the Texas Medical Association’s Council on Legislation, included PPROM on a list of potentially life-threatening conditions he believed may fall under the bill’s clarified exception. The list, which is not exhaustive, includes preeclampsia, renal failure, liver failure, cardiac disease, pulmonary hypertension and neurological conditions. He added that decisions to intervene because a medical condition could be life-threatening “are, by definition, subjective, based on multiple clinical considerations” and must be based on “sound medical judgment.”

However, ProPublica spoke with six legal experts who said they were unsure whether hospitals, wary of litigation or penalties, would interpret the bill to mean that doctors can offer a termination to patients with PPROM.

Some PPROM patients can remain pregnant for weeks and not develop infections, while others can contract an infection and deteriorate very quickly, noted Molly Duane, a senior staff attorney at the Center for Reproductive Rights. “I could see some doctors saying this means, ‘I have more leeway to intervene in all PPROM cases,’ and others saying, ‘I still don’t know, so I’ll wait until signs of infection.’”

The largest association of OB-GYNs, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, said in an emailed statement that it did not support the bill: “This bill would keep Texas’ abortion ban in place and we strongly oppose the abortion ban and will continue to do so.”

Yesterday, the Texas Senate also passed Bill 2880, which would authorize civil lawsuits against anyone in or outside of Texas who distributes or provides abortion medication to someone in the state. It is expected to face pushback in the state House.

The Life of the Mother Act now goes to the House, where it must be voted out of committee before it heads to the House floor. Both chambers would need to agree on a final version before the governor could sign it into law.

For years, North Korea has been secretly placing young IT workers inside Western companies. With AI, their schemes are now more devious—and effective—than ever.

Poorly maintained sewers can have disastrous consequences, but regular inspections can be time-consuming, expensive, and dangerous. The solution: subterranean dung drones.

News outlets tend to highlight the first 100 days of a new administration, and they like to show the changes with charts. It gives a feel for a true direction instead of empty claims and where we might be headed for the next few years. This time around was no exception.

For Bloomberg, Mark Niquette and Gregory Korte charted the economy, which is complex and can’t be shown with a single metric, so they showed several, such as inflation expectations:

For Axios, Jacque Schrag and Natalie Daher used a timeline of events, color coded by type:

Irineo Cabreros and Aatish Bhatia, for NYT’s the Upshot, used eight charts, closing with approval rating:

Not to be outdone, the Washington Post used ten charts and made sure to number them. On executive orders aimed at the bureaucracy:

Financial Times (paywalled) also went with ten charts to show the first 100 days. Reuters used 47 photos instead.

I am sure there were many more, but you get the picture.

Tags: economy, government

Here are my experiments with "Vibe Coding", ie using AI to write all code for you without reading or understanding it yourself. I used gemini+cursor, claude code, and openais codex. I programmed a souped-up version of langton's ant, as well as a personal website. Then I let AI Agents loose on my machine to make art and destroy my computer.

TLDR: Vibe coding is fun and fast, but sloppy and insecure.

~ MY LINKS ~
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/emergentgarden
Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/emergentgarden
Langton's Ant Colony: https://evolvecode.io/turmites/index.html
Emergent Garden: https://emergentgarden.io/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/max_romana
Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/emergentgarden.bsky.social

~ MUSIC ~
My music boy: https://youtube.com/@acolyte-compositions?si=2P97LlROhNgQYOa-
https://youtu.be/QcKhPLxrUWM?si=PHmCg7wsFzuXda3u

~ OTHER LINKS ~
Crappy Plane Game: https://fly.pieter.com/
Langton's Ant: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Langton%27s_ant
Turmites: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turmite

~Timestamps~
(0:00) Code that Vibe Codes
(2:33) Coding with Cursor
(3:52) Langton's Ant Colony
(14:20) Final Program
(15:36) Reading AI Code
(17:19) AI Agents
(19:04) Please Nuke My Computer
(21:43) Final Review

Land of the Primordial Machine p.5-6

...

delirious mage is approached by a mechanical arm and machine sentience

Mage is lying on the hood of the car. Mechanical arms are using scissors to remove her jacket. Her arm is still missing.

OpenBlade: "You've done this a lot?"

The mechanical arms belong to a vintage fully sentient MilTekBot holding a spare limb, dressed in a leather jacket.

MilTekBot: "No."

On his face screen a MilTek manual is printed:

Miltek Archive
14.5 Limb replacement

14.5.1 What are nerves?
One might think that the nerve endings of human bodies are not too dissimilar to circuitry of a common computer. One would be wrong.

https://analognowhere.com/_/snishe

• archive
• support/store

OTTAWA – Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has announced that he will run in a by-election in the conservative stronghold of Battle River-Crowfoot, after being told that he could not run in his preferred area of deep-red rural Texas. After losing his Carleton, Ontario seat of 20 years, Poilievre announced that newly-elected Battle River-Crowfoot MP Damien […]

The post Poilievre to run for by-election in safe rural Alberta riding, after rural Texas riding not available appeared first on The Beaverton.

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Today's News:

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton is investigating two leading toothpaste makers over their use of fluoride, suggesting that they are "illegally marketing" the teeth cleaners to parents and kids "in ways that are misleading, deceptive, and dangerous."

The toothpaste makers in the crosshairs are Colgate-Palmolive Company, maker of Colgate toothpastes, and Proctor & Gamble Manufacturing Co., which makes Crest toothpastes. In an announcement Thursday, Paxton said he has sent Civil Investigative Demands (CIDs) to the companies.

The move is an escalation in an ongoing battle over fluoride, which effectively prevents dental cavities and improves oral health. Community water fluoridation has been hailed by health and dental experts as one of the top 10 great public health interventions for advancing oral health across communities, regardless of age, education, or income. But, despite the success, fluoride has always had detractors—from conspiracy theorists in the past suggesting the naturally occurring mineral is a form of communist mind control, to more recent times, in which low-quality, controversial studies have suggested that high doses may lower IQ in children.

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Under President Trump, the Food and Drug Administration may no longer approve seasonal COVID-19 vaccines updated for the virus variants circulating that year, according to recent statements by Trump administration officials.

Since the acute phase of the pandemic, vaccine manufacturers have been subtly updating COVID-19 shots annually to precisely target the molecular signatures of the newest virus variants, which continually evolve to evade our immune responses. So far, the FDA has treated these tweaked vaccines the same way it treats seasonal flu shots, which have long been updated annually to match currently circulating strains of flu viruses.

The FDA does not consider seasonal flu shots brand-new vaccines. Rather, they're just slightly altered versions of the approved vaccines. As such, the regulator does not require companies to conduct lengthy, expensive vaccine trials to prove that each slightly changed version is safe and effective. If they did, generating annual vaccines would be virtually impossible. Each year, from late February to early March, the FDA, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and the World Health Organization direct flu shot makers on what tweaks they should make to shots for the upcoming flu season. That gives manufacturers just enough time to develop tweaks and start manufacturing massive supplies of doses in time for the start of the flu season.

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Trump alleged that both organisations have produced "biased and partisan news coverage".

OTTAWA – Following Prime Minister Mark Carney’s successful campaign in the recent federal election, US President Donald Trump is sending him a gift basket filled with the only US export that hasn’t decreased since he took office: children with the legal right to live in America. “I heard somewhere that Mark likes kids, so I […]

The post Trump sends Carney a congratulatory basket of deported children appeared first on The Beaverton.

In brief: Severe thunderstorms are developing in Houston as of noon on Friday, and will pose a threat for the next 12 hours across the region. We’ve got details about all of the threats in this update, with a particular concern for the evening commute.

As anticipated, with daytime heating, we are seeing severe thunderstorms developing in the Houston region. As of 12:30 pm CT there are large clusters of storms near Kingwood and just west of Katy. From this point forward we expect additional development throughout the afternoon and evening hours as the capping inversion over the region breaks.

From now until about 5 pm the majority of activity should be clustered along and north of Interstate 10, but that certainly does not preclude thunderstorms developing in the southern half of the region. Unfortunately we expect that the majority of the region is likely to see activity during the evening commute as the storms spread, making for a messy time on freeways. If you can leave earlier today, that’s probably for the best.

In terms of threats we have three major concerns right now.

RAIN: These storms will be capable of producing heavy rainfall, and under high rainfall rates we are likely to see street flooding. For this reason we have implemented a Stage 1 flood alert for the region through tonight. Essentially, you need to be weather aware on roads, take extra time, and do not drive into high water. Rainfall amounts will vary widely, with most of the area likely picking up 0.5 to 2 inches. I am concerned about a few bullseyes of 4 inches or more, which are possible.

WIND: There is a healthy chance of damaging winds with these storms, so anything you can batten down would be helpful. The threat of damaging winds is the highest we have seen so far this spring, so again this is another reason to stay off roads amid strong thunderstorms this afternoon and evening if possible.

HAIL: In some thunderstorms near Kingwood weather spotters have already observed quarter-sized hail this afternoon. So this is a distinct threat as well as these storms pass through.

Tornadoes are also possible, but the threat is on the lower end of the scale.

Over the next several hours the bulk of the storms will shift southward, ahead of a front rumbling into the area. Areas south of Interstate 10, accordingly, will likely face the greatest threat of severe weather from late this afternoon to late this evening. By midnight, or shortly afterward, the threat of storms should move offshore. After that, the weekend looks lovely.

We will update later today as warranted.

'cause ooo eee #CowboyWho

On an average school day, harried students at the University of Texas at Austin rush across Speedway to get to class, stopping only to dodge a dangerously fast Lime scooter. On Monday, however, several students made a pitstop to get their makeup done by one of over a dozen drag performers, each in vibrant outfits and elaborate makeup of their own. The students then continued to class, a little more colorful and sparkly than before. 

The performers showed up—some even calling out of their day jobs—for the student-run initiative called the Day of Drag, which encouraged students to show up to class in drag to protest the University of Texas System’s ban on drag performances. As university systems across the state have enacted similar bans and the Texas Legislature continues to attack LGBTQ+ rights, students are shouldering the weight of advocating for their rights. 

On March 18, the UT System Board of Regents said its universities cannot sponsor or host drag shows in their facilities The decision also followed a similar ban from the Texas A&M System Board of Regents on February 28 banning drag show events on campus. The Texas A&M resolution cited President Donald Trump and Governor Greg Abbott’s executive orders that prohibit using funding for “promoting gender ideology.” The resolution also said drag performances could “create or contribute to a hostile environment for women.” On March 28, the University of North Texas system followed suit and paused drag performances on its campuses. 

Texas A&M’s ban came just ahead of the scheduled date for Draggieland, an annual drag show hosted by the student-led Queer Empowerment Council. After first hearing about the new policy, members of the council, including Alex Gonce, the event chair and treasurer, began fielding questions from reporters and administrators about their event being banned. “We were completely blindsided,” Gonce told the Texas Observer. “It was very scary and all at once.”  

Within a week, the council teamed up with the Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression, a civil libertarian legal group that advocates for free speech on college campuses, to sue A&M for infringing on their First Amendment rights. A federal judge temporarily blocked the university’s policy on March 24. In her ruling, Judge Lee Rosenthal suggested the students would prevail in their free speech claim and wrote: “Anyone who finds the performance or performers offensive has a simple remedy: don’t go.”  

Three days later, Draggieland went on as planned at the A&M campus in College Station. 

Gonce first joined the council as a representative for a different student organization, Transcend. They said they enjoy being able to do more activism work as part of the Council, because Transcend focuses more internally on resources for its members. “Having a central place to go to make our voices heard has been really good,” Gonce said. 

At UT-Austin, Isabella Thomas, a government and Spanish junior, didn’t see any advocacy groups organizing after UT announced its own ban, so she took action by planning the Day of Drag. She later learned other groups tried to challenge the ban but learned it would be more difficult to fight than A&M’s because the UT System did not publish a written resolution—Board Chairman Kevin Eltife merely announced the policy in a written statement.

Thomas decided to have students go to class in drag because the decision, while vague, explicitly forbade the university from hosting drag performances, not drag altogether. “We’re definitely pushing the line a little bit,” Thomas told the Observer. “But we’re not actually crossing the line.” Thomas got the event approved by the Office of the Dean of Students, which handles requests for campus events. 

A steady stream of students came by to get glammed up by the artists, each with their own strong personal style. Some students walked away with faces sporting pastel glitter and rhinestones, others with strong contours in deep blue or purple. Graduate student Savvy Cornett said they were looking forward to wearing their full face of makeup, complete with sparkly blue eyeshadow, to the animal physiology class they TA for. “I’ve always wanted to have my makeup done via a drag queen, so this is a dream come true, and I’m so excited to go to class later” Cornett said. 

Last session, Abbott signed Senate Bill 12, which would have criminalized “sexually oriented” drag performances performed in front of minors. A federal judge ruled the bill unconstitutional in September 2023. 

Thomas has found that sense of community and hope through drag performances. In particular, she said, she goes to drag queen Brigitte Bandit’s weekly “LegiSLAYtion & Liberation” show in downtown Austin, which makes her feel less alone. 

“I feel hopeful for a future, which is something that not a lot of people can say and probably something that I wouldn’t say all the time,” Thomas said. But, during the two-hour show each Tuesday, “I feel hopeful. I feel like we are going to get past this.” 

Bandit came to the event in pink, blue, and white chaps—the color of the trans flag—danced to Chappell Roan’s “Pink Pony Club,” and read from drag icon Sasha Velour’s memoir, The Big Reveal, as part of a drag queen story hour. “Whenever they try to ban drag, we just put students in drag, bitch,” Bandit said at the event. “Ain’t nothing illegal happening here. We’re just having fun.”

This session, the Senate passed Senate Bill 18, which would cut funding from public libraries that host events in which people “dressed as the opposite gender” read a story or book. Republican legislators have also targeted LGBTQ+ rights in higher education, building on last session’s passage of Senate Bill 17, which prohibited DEI offices and practices and shut down spaces for queer students like the Gender and Sexuality Center at UT-Austin.

Now, Thomas said there’s more pressure on students to take the lead. “I’m happy we haven’t given up,” Thomas said. “[But students are] having to take on this extra work to continue providing space for their community.” 

At A&M, Gonce said the Queer Empowerment Council had to take on several initiatives formerly hosted by its Pride Center, like Lavender Graduation, after SB 17 forced the center to close. 

The Lege has also continued its crusade against “DEI” in higher ed. Senate Bill 37, authored by Republican Senator Brandon Creighton, would prohibit courses that “require or attempt to require a student to adopt a belief that any race, sex, or ethnicity or social, political or religious belief are inherently superior,” which would likely target gender and ethnic studies courses. 

Zoey Gonzales told her friend she didn’t care if she was late to class—she was getting her makeup, dramatic red and pink winged eyeshadow, done. “This is way more important than my classes right now,” Gonzales said. “If I myself as a trans person won’t be here to stand for my rights, then who will?” 

Arwyn Heilrayne, who helped organize the event, danced around in a “Moo Deng Says Trans Rights” shirt, with blue eyeshadow and deep pink blush and glitter on her cheeks. She said she contributes to student organizing with her energy. “It’s so hard in this world to have fun sometimes,” Heilrayne said. “Movements are only sustained through joy, So we have to have joy as much as possible.” 

Thomas, the Day of Drag organizer, said events like these are important to foster a sense of community. “Even though this is most likely going to be a one-off event, celebrating the artistic value of drag, just celebrating queerness on campus, we want students to continue to plug in with the queer community,” Thomas said. “Having support and knowing that there are other people like you that love you unconditionally is just so incredible.” 

The post At UT, a Day of Drag and Defiance appeared first on The Texas Observer.

In his first news conference since the federal election, the PM laid out his approach to talks with his US counterpart.

The prime minister also laid out how he will approach forthcoming talks with President Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON—Signing the executive order just minutes after storming off the set, President Donald Trump revoked federal funding for PBS this week after his grandfather clock reportedly received a lower-than-expected Antiques Roadshow appraisal. “For Christ’s sake, $2,500?” said a visibly flabbergasted Trump, who appeared to grow more and more irate as the appraiser explained that the longcase clock was likely a reproduction from the 1980s and not the 19th-century family heirloom the commander-in-chief had claimed it was. “This is solid walnut, handcrafted in the Black Forest. This thing is worth $25,000 at the least. You must be out of your mind. You’re crazy. What are your qualifications, anyway? You people will never see a cent out of me again.” At press time, sources confirmed Trump was scraping the “Made in China” sticker off the clock.

The post Trump Revokes PBS Funding After Antique Grandfather Clock Receives Meager Appraisal appeared first on The Onion.

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Scolding thousands of employees for letting themselves become distracted from their schooling, Rockstar Games announced Friday that Grand Theft Auto VI would be delayed until the studio’s developers got their grades up. “We understand how much our team wants to release a painstakingly crafted Vice City into the world, but there’s just no way we can do that for them until we see them put their nose to the grindstone in Algebra II,” said Strauss Zelnick, CEO of Rockstar parent company Take Two Interactive, stressing that a C-minus in biology “just wouldn’t cut it,” particularly given how much games cost to develop these days. “The simple fact is they’re losing track of what matters most, which is making the honor roll, finding a summer job, and really thinking about their future. You can’t just skip half your homework assignments and spend all your time working on jiggle physics for the strip clubs scattered across the fictional state of Leonida. Maybe if they get that GPA up, we’ll consider releasing GTA VI for them in Q2 of 2026. But that’s a big maybe.” Zelnick added that it wouldn’t hurt if Rockstar’s team of software engineers all tried joining the junior varsity track team.

The post ‘GTA VI’ Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up appeared first on The Onion.

Template 1

Dear President Trump and [RELEVANT MINIONS]

I’m just writing from [UKRAINE / GAZA / THE HEARD AND MCDONALD ISLANDS] to say, once and for all, thank you for all you’ve done for us.

For too long, democratic nations around the world have [RECOGNIZED OUR SOVEREIGNTY / AT THE VERY LEAST ACKNOWLEDGED OUR PEOPLE’S RIGHT TO BE ALIVE / KNOWN THAT WE ARE UNINHABITED BY HUMANS]. Your administration has finally put an end to that dark era in our history by [SUGGESTING A TREATY THAT RENDERS YEARS OF FIGHTING, SUFFERING, AND DEATH POINTLESS BY GIVING YOUR IDOL PUTIN EVERYTHING HE WANTED / OFFERING TO KICK US OUT AND CONVERT OUR LAND INTO TRASHY HOTELS / IMPOSING TARIFFS ON PENGUINS, ELEPHANT SEALS, AND SEABIRDS].

We want to say thank you in our language, so [DYAKUYU / SHUKRAN / “DONKEY-LIKE PENGUIN BRAY” ]. Or, to put our thanks in a language you understand better, we’re also offering [FULL ACCESS TO OUR RARE MINERALS IN EXCHANGE FOR NO SECURITY ASSURANCES / OUR POPULATION’S VOLUNTARY RELOCATION AND THE PASSIVE CEDING OF ALL OUR LAND TO YOU FOR YOUR PERSONAL PROFIT / WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE AFTER HERE: BABY SEAL MEAT? A GOOGLE SEARCH BAR SO YOU CAN FIND OUT ONE SINGLE THING ABOUT OUR TERRITORY?].

Sincerely,
Your foreign admirer

Template 2

Greetings [MR. PRESIDENT / DEAR LEADER / GOD’S FAVORITE SON]

I think I speak for all [CIS WOMEN / JEWS / PEOPLE OF COLOR] when I tell you how grateful I am for this administration. As a member of a marginalized group, I’ve always dreamed that I could be [USED TO JUSTIFY / USED AS COVER FOR / BLAMED FOR] [TRANSPHOBIA / IMPRISONING PEOPLE BASED ON THEIR BELIEFS OR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN / ANY HUMAN ERROR OR SOCIAL PROBLEM IN THE ENTIRE WORLD].

When [STOKING BATHROOM-SHARING FEARS / CALLING OPPONENTS “ELITIST” / DISMANTLING EVERY PROGRAM INTENDED TO PROMOTE EQUALITY] proved inadequate to achieve your administration’s objectives, I’m proud that [PREVENTING ME FROM COMPETING IN SPORTS WITH MY FRIENDS AND CLASSMATES WHOM I VERY MUCH WANT TO COMPETE WITH / CALLING ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH YOU AN ANTISEMITE, INCLUDING ME IF I DISAGREE WITH YOU / SHOUTING “DEI” EVERY TIME A PLANE CRASHES] provided a more effective method of [RUINING / RUINING / RUINING] our society.

I look forward to our future collaborations in [SCRUTINIZING ATHLETES’ GENITALS IN THE NAME OF PROTECTING ME / SHIPPING DISSIDENTS TO CONCENTRATION CAMPS IN THE NAME OF PROTECTING ME / USING ME AS A SCAPEGOAT EVERY TIME YOU MAKE A MISTAKE].

Your policy alibi,
Marginalized American

Template 3

Dear business genius,

I’m a [WORKING-CLASS PERSON / MIDDLE-CLASS PERSON / SUPER-RICH PERSON]. Thank you for making me poorer.

Staying brief to save ink money,
[YOUR NAME. LITERALLY ANYONE]

Template 4

How’s it going, eh, President Trump?

It’s Canada, your beloved neighbor to the North. We’re known for being polite, so we’d be remiss if we didn’t thank you for saving our country from years of conservative leadership.

We never expected an authoritarian American president to benefit our Canadian Liberal party, but you managed an ingenious method of gaining influence: consolidating our entire nation’s emotions and energy around one particular aim: hating you. Did you know the Liberal party was down 25 points in popularity when you began your attack on Justin Trudeau? Before you became President again, our conservative candidate, whose name we have already forgotten, was a shoo-in for prime minister. All it took was your relentless taunts and threats, along with your general personal distastefulness, to bring our citizens to their senses and completely turn around our election. Talk about government efficiency.

We’re so grateful, it almost makes us want to become the 51st American state.

Just kidding. And we were also kidding about being polite: you can kiss our moose-, poutine-, and maple syrup-loving asses and go to H-E-double hockey sticks.

Piss off, hoser,
Canada

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Today's News:

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that his tariff hikes could result in a frozen supply chain this holiday season, President Donald Trump claimed Friday that any toy shortages Americans experienced could be easily overcome by making the family’s servants dance for their children’s enjoyment. “Maybe instead of 30 dolls this Christmas, children play with the life-size human figurines they already have,” said the commander-in-chief, noting that when he and his siblings were growing up, they often kept themselves entertained with nothing more than a couple of old, beat-up chambermaids whom they berated into acting foolish for their amusement. “Why do children even need dolls when they can play dress-up with the undocumented help, make the day laborers kiss—whatever fun act of humiliation they can imagine. For generations, kids were perfectly content just demanding their housekeepers perform for them under threat of being fired. I guess it was a simpler time.” Trump went on to state that he had even set aside one of his favorite childhood maids for his grandchildren to debase.

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WASHINGTON—Claiming the fantastical creatures were “way too cool” to leave their investigation to a handful of so-called experts, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued a statement Friday encouraging Americans to do their own research about dragons. “People, especially new parents looking for awesome bedtime stories, need to be reading everything they can possibly find about these ancient and powerful beings instead of blindly accepting the narrow range of depictions put forth by the mainstream media,” Kennedy wrote in a statement published on his department’s website, adding that too many Americans only believed what they had heard about dragons on Game Of Thrones while dismissing less conventional sources like Earthsea and the Dark Souls trilogy. “There’s a lot of misinformation out there claiming that something with two legs and wings is a dragon, but I’ve read enough to know that’s a wyvern and not a true dragon, which has four legs. There are some great subreddits on them. Just yesterday I read a romantasy fan fiction suggesting that dragons are capable of forming emotional and even sexual relationships with humans, but the establishment wants to bury anything that challenges the official narrative that dragons are big, evil lizards who hoard gold. Take it from me: Anyone who tells you dragons only breathe fire is lying to your face. They can breathe ice or acid or curses, be good or evil, and speak any number of languages, but it’s up to you to come to your own conclusions about how much dragons rule.” The statement went on to say that while Americans should approach dragons with an open mind, they should remain skeptical of Chinese propaganda depicting them as lame floating snakes with mustaches.

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