OTTAWA – After inviting Indian PM Narendra Modi Prime Minister Mark Carney issued strict rules for the upcoming G7 meeting in Kananaskis, Alberta, limiting assassinations to one per guest nation. “The Prime Minister understands it’s not fair if only one country gets to do a murder in Canada,” said a PMO spokesperson. “Now everyone gets […]
The post Carney limits G7 guests to one assassination each appeared first on The Beaverton.
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a person hushes a sentient computer
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From all of us here at Bank of Money, Happy Pride!
Though if anyone asks, you didn’t hear that from us. We’re straight now.
We know that may come as a surprise after the past ten years of emphasizing all the money we’ve donated to LGBTQIA+ orgs, taking up increasingly more space in the parade with our float, and having the bank’s twitter account flirt with Lil Nas X. But we’d now like to clarify that we’re only into one-man, one-woman stuff.
We will be pulling our Platinum Sponsorship from this year’s Pride weekend. Sure, it’ll cost the festival hundreds of thousands of dollars on short notice, but you wouldn’t want a cishet bank there, would you? We’re cis now too.
Just think of this shift like the morning we change our LinkedIn profile from our rainbow logo back to our regular one. It’s always July 1 now at Bank of Money.
To all our LGBTQIA+ customers, you are still deeply valued. While we are asking all bank employees to replace “pronouns” with “favorite NFL team” in their email signatures, we feel confident you won’t spend all of June moving your money to a different bank. You know we’ll get you the best possible interest rate on your savings.
To that end, all of our customers, regardless of sexuality, can still count on our annual June promotional deals. We’re just renaming the deal from “You Better WERK on Your Investments, Kween!” to “Money Market Accounts to Save for Five Beautiful Blond Children.”
Also, it’s not like we’re not doing anything for Pride. We’re giving some of our LGBTQIA+ employees the entire month of June off. We’re furloughing the DEI office.
As a courtesy to our LGBTQIA+ customers, we do want to let you know that if you use your debit card to spend too much money on iced coffee, mesh tanks, and astrology apps, you will be flagged in our system as homosexual and reported to the FBI.
It’s been fun these past ten years. We had a blast inserting ourselves in your celebration. But the time has come for us to live our truths. And now we love God, corn, and arguing in airports.
So, Happy Regular Month! #MoneyIsMoney
Folks, I checked the stock and TERROR is on backorder.
Sarah Perez, TechCrunch, “The Trump-Musk Feud Has Been Great for X, Which Jumped Up the App Store Charts”:
The feud between Elon Musk and President Donald Trump may be bad for the MAGA camp, but it’s proven to be beneficial for X, which has seen engagement soaring over the past 24 hours. According to new data from Sensor Tower, the app formerly known as Twitter skyrocketed up the U.S. App Store’s top charts, landing at the 23rd overall spot on June 5 — up from an average rank of No. 68 over the last 30 days.
X also saw an average rank of No. 58 over the past six months.
I wouldn’t call jumping from the 60s to the 20s “skyrocketing”, but, up is up.
Trump’s own social network, Truth Social, benefited from the feud as well, as the president shared his thoughts about Musk with his followers. Compared with the last seven days, U.S. mobile app active users on Truth Social increased by more than 400%, Sensor Tower’s proprietary panel indicates.
However, X is still much larger than Truth Social, Sensor Tower notes, as it has 100× more U.S. mobile app users than Trump’s social network.
In a couple of recent posts I’ve referred to Truth Social as Trump’s “blog”. (I expounded upon this in a recent episode of The Talk Show, with Stephen Hackett, starting after the 1h:20m mark, so if you listened to that, the following will sound familiar.) Long before this easily-predictable breakup of two unstable sociopathic egomaniacs (and who would be genuinely surprised if Musk is back in the Oval Office next week?), I’ve long wondered about one particular aspect of their alliance. To wit: that Musk famously spent $44 billion to buy Twitter/X, and envisions it as a world-conquering “everything app”. Trump was once the best known user on Twitter, but after being kicked off every legitimate social network after trying to overthrow the 2020 election, Trump started his own ostensible Twitter-like network, Truth Social. Ostensibly, they’re in direct competition with each other.
Did Musk ever pitch Trump on shutting Truth Social down and coming back to X full time? How about buying Truth Social for a bribery price of a cool $1 billion to sweeten the deal? Truth Social isn’t really a functional social network. Let’s stipulate that Truth Social has 1 percent the active US mobile users of X. Even that’s a sham. Nobody of note other than Trump himself uses Truth Social. For all the pathetic obsequiousness of every single lickspittle official serving in the Trump 2.0 administration, none of them are even vaguely active on Truth Social. They’re all still on X. The Justice Department posts to its official account on X multiple times per day, but the DOJ doesn’t even have an account on Truth Social. OK, JD Vance has posted to his Truth Social account about a dozen times in the last month. But he’s posted to X five times today.
What I’ve realized is that Truth Social is essentially just Trump’s blog. Truth Social is exceedingly unpopular when judged as a social network; but it’s exceedingly successful as a blog. All the other people using Truth Social are effectively reading his blog and shitposting comments and memes in response to his posts, trying to get his attention. I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks, and in that time, Trump’s own posts on Truth Social have made the news on a near-daily basis. I’ve never once, ever, seen a post from anyone else on Truth Social make the news. Trump is not just the one and only person of consequence using it, his is the one and only account on Truth Social that you ever, ever hear about.
If Truth Social were actually meant to compete with X, Threads, Bluesky, and Mastodon, this almost certainly would have been a source of conflict between Trump and Musk. Because, if it were meant to be an actual competitive social network, it would occur to Trump to require all his flunkeys and toadies not only to post to Truth Social, but to stop posting to X. But he hasn’t done that, because Truth Social is functioning as intended: it’s just an outlet for Trump to spew his demented mad-king musings (today he’s retweeting calls for him to be added to Mount Rushmore) and, most importantly, get some of his all-caps-laden bangers read aloud on the TV news.
The Texas Book Festival has announced Austin-based photographer, cinematographer, and film producer Sarah Wilson as its 2025 poster artist. This year’s festival poster features her artwork, Big Slide, Santa Elena, a throwback design centered on an image of the iconic Rio Grande bluffs location in Big Bend National Park.
Sarah Wilson‘s Texas Book Festival poster design
Ms. Wilson has said that the image, a composite of her own photograph set in a Kodachrome slide, is a “composite collaboration” with her grandfather Dr. John A. “Jack” Wilson, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin and paleontologist/geologist devoted to conducting annual digs in the West Texas landscape. Experiences with her grandfather formed the basis of Ms. Wilson’s first book, DIG: Notes on Field and Family.
Dalia Azim, Texas Book Festival Chief Operations Officer, said, “I immediately connected with Sarah’s work when I encountered her beautiful book DIG, which we featured in last year’s Festival.”
Sarah Wilson
Among Ms. Wilson’s many accomplishments in design, photography, documentary cinematography, and public art, the New York University Tisch School of the Arts graduate has photographs in the permanent collections of the Harry Ransom Center in Austin and the Museum of Fine Arts Houston.
Merchandise featuring Ms. Wilson’s 2025 Festival poster image will be available for purchase online at the Texas Book Festival website and at the 30th Annual Texas Book Festival, running November 8-9 in downtown Austin in and around the Texas Capitol building.
Learn more about the Texas Book Festival via its website.
The post Texas Book Festival Names its 2025 Poster Artist appeared first on Glasstire.
From Dallas to Houston, original theatrical works are asserting themselves across Texas stages with boldness, humor, and a touch of the surreal. Three recent productions, Debbie Does Dallas at Theatre Three, Fate Complete at Ochre House, and Miss Laraj’s House of Dystopian Futures at Catastrophic Theatre, demonstrate that contemporary Texan theater is unafraid of genre play, bodily spectacle, and thorny emotional terrains. While wildly different in tone and setting, each show offers insight into what’s shaping original stagecraft in the Lone Star State. Here is a dispatch of three theatrical productions.
“Debbie Does Dallas,” at Theatre Three in Dallas
Comedy Without Cynicism in Debbie Does Dallas
Theatre Three, Dallas, January 23 – February 23, 2025
Adapted by Erica Shmidt
Music by Andrew Sherman
Conceived by Susan L. Schwartz
Debbie Does Dallas is not, as its name might suggest, a porn parody, or even a takedown of American sexuality. Instead, it’s a sharp but buoyant musical comedy where teenage girls pursue their dreams with a giddy mix of autonomy and absurdity. The script resists political tethering, instead allowing the dialogue to hover in an airspace of silly, joyful comedy. The cheerleaders’ journey, led by a non-licensed stand-in for a Dallas Cowboys cheer squad, is driven by tight ensemble timing and peppered with raucous jokes (“We didn’t even try a bake sale!”) without getting weighed down by didacticism.
This isn’t a story about Texas as much as it is about young women contending with the systems around them such as capitalism, sexuality, and dance careerism, without compromising their sparkle. The production succeeds most by taking its characters seriously, even in the goofiest moments. Think Bring It On meets Waiting for Guffman with a secret PhD in gender studies.
“Fate Complete,” at Ochre House in Dallas
Lynchian Americana in Fate Complete
Ochre House, Dallas, February 8 – March 1, 2025
Written and Directed by Kevin Grammar
Music by Polly Maynard
Over at Ochre House, Fate Complete stretches the viewer into an alternate dimension of mid-century Hollywood grotesquerie. This six-character play, presented in two brisk acts with live musical accompaniment, revolves around a home slowly swallowed by its own hedges, an apt metaphor for the psychological overgrowth of its inhabitants. A veteran, a studio exec, a wannabe starlet, and housewives orbit one another in what becomes a hall of mirrors reflecting fame, addiction, and manipulation.
This is a show where a smashed flower vase becomes an emotional rupture, where set design (including aerosol-painted Hollywood hills by Dallas artist Isaac Davies, or IZK) carries narrative weight, and where the lines between characters blur as if by design. Not every actor seems fully steered by the director, but wonderful performances (particularly Christina Cranshaw’s portrayal of young Hollywood hopeful Cassandra) anchor the work in a painful reality beneath the surreal sheen. There are also four musical numbers that cycle through the emotional tones of the play: comedy, horror, somber reflection, and melodrama.
While Debbie Does Dallas bursts with ensemble charm, Fate Complete takes a turn into the surreal, like a dreamy echo of a David Lynch film infused with its own distinct brand of strangeness and dislocation.
“Miss Laraj’s House of Dystopian Futures,” by Catastrophic Theatre at MATCH in Houston
Eco-Futurist Allegory in Miss Laraj’s House of Dystopian Futures
Catastrophic Theatre at MATCH, Houston, February 7 – March 1, 2025
Directed by Candice D’Meza and T Lavois Thiebaud
Music by Sean Ramos
Perhaps the most unconventional of these three shows, Miss Laraj’s House of Dystopian Futures is as much a theatrical pageant as it is a cautionary tale. Developed by the ensemble at Houston’s Catastrophic Theatre, the play blends ecological mythmaking with Sesame Street–style character education by way of disco balls, pan flutes, and silicone wristbands that mark an audience member’s willingness to participate on stage. Miss Laraj, the show’s host and embodiment of the Earth, introduces us to elements like Fye (fire), Flora, Fauna, and Mami Mami Wata (water), each offering a mix of comedy, musical performance, and ecological critique.
While there’s a childlike aesthetic of bright colors, pantomime, and direct audience addresses, the themes are resolutely adult. From flora’s lament about humans hijacking plant adaptations to Wata’s mournful reminder that “feeling comes before hearing,” the show threads together a melancholic reckoning with humanity’s environmental failures. Audience participation is optional but effective, with a shared sense of ritual and reflection throughout.
Where Debbie Does Dallas gives you hilarious hijinks and Fate Complete delivers fatalism with a noir edge, Miss Laraj asks audiences to confront their role in planetary decline, all while clapping along.
The post Theatrical Originality in Texas: Three Worlds in Three Plays appeared first on Glasstire.
WASHINGTON—As part of ongoing efforts to improve the efficiency with which it collects money for the world’s richest man, officials at the Internal Revenue Service announced a new plan Tuesday allowing taxpayers to deposit payments directly into Elon Musk’s bank account.
The mandatory new service will reportedly help streamline the tax payment process, bypassing the government entities that traditionally pay Musk—the departments of Defense, Energy, and Transportation, as well as NASA—and instead transferring the funds directly into his checking account. According to the IRS, the updated system will reduce the time it takes for the Tesla and SpaceX CEO to receive taxpayer dollars from a few months to just a few hours.
“We’ve upgraded the user experience of our website, creating a fast, easy, and secure way for Americans to fulfill their tax obligation to Elon Musk,” said acting IRS commissioner Melanie Krause, adding that the payment hub would also provide more transparency into how the U.S. tax code personally enriches Musk. “This long overdue change modernizes how we divert revenue away from vital services, optimizing Mr. Musk’s ability to collect your hard-earned money.”
“It completely eliminates the outdated system of government loans, subsidies, grants, tax credits, tax rebates, and reimbursements he has used to amass wealth over the past two decades,” Krause continued. “Now taxpayers can go to IRS.gov and, with a few simple clicks, make a direct deposit that immediately increases Elon Musk’s net worth.”
Confirming the new approach minimizes inefficiency by transferring money straight to Musk instead of through the maze of federal agencies that currently pay him, White House officials said the overhaul would open more loopholes for his companies to exploit and would add to the tens of billions of dollars the government has already contributed to his personal fortune. They described plans to continue cutting through burdensome red tape with the ultimate goal of circumventing the congressional appropriations process entirely.
According to the IRS, enforcement measures have been put in place to make sure all low- and middle-income Americans pay their fair share, and in the coming weeks, workers who have taxes withheld by their employer can expect to see a new line item on their pay stubs that replaces entries such as Social Security and Medicare with one that just says “Musk.”
“I was initially worried about using an online portal to send 20% of my income to Elon Musk, but the IRS website is pretty straightforward,” said Keith Fairfax, an auto mechanic in Knoxville, TN who told reporters he liked how the system offered real-time tracking of his payments as they were being funneled to the billionaire. “It’s nice to see where my hard-earned money is going, whether I’m helping Elon buy a new mansion, putting fuel in the tank of his private jet, or providing for his 13 known children.”
“But what I like most is when he threatens to use my tax dollars to fund primary challengers for any Republican who opposes Trump’s agenda,” he added. “That’s when I know my money is really making a difference.”
The post IRS Allows Taxpayers To Deposit Payments Directly Into Elon Musk’s Bank Account appeared first on The Onion.
As a proud first-generation, undocumented graduate of the University of Texas at Austin, and a lifelong product of Texas public schools, I am outraged—but not surprised—by the latest cowardly attack on our immigrant community.
The most recent attempt to gut the “Noriega Bill”—also known as the Texas Dream Act—a law that has opened college doors by providing in-state tuition for thousands of undocumented Texas residents over the past 24 years, is not just a political maneuver. It is a targeted act of cruelty—one meant to erase our contributions, crush our aspirations, and make us feel ashamed of our existence.
This isn’t new. Every legislative session since House Bill 1403 was passed in 2001, Texas Republicans have tried to repeal it. And, every time, undocumented students and allies have shown up in force—testifying late into the night, sharing how in-state tuition has changed lives, lifted up families, and strengthened entire communities. The 89th Legislative Session was no different. Students and graduates spoke their truths, urging lawmakers to preserve a policy that gave them hope and a chance at their dream professions. Even business leaders and Chambers of Commerce oppose repeal.
But because lawmakers lacked the political courage to force a floor vote at the Texas Capitol—Senate Bill 1798 died after passing out of committee—state leaders took a coward’s path. They kicked the issue up to the federal level, where the U.S. Department of Justice launched a lawsuit against the Noriega Bill (HB 1403) with which Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton swiftly agreed rather than defending his state’s law, hoping to do behind closed doors what they couldn’t accomplish in the sunlight.
Let’s be clear: This was never about “protecting” college seats for U.S. citizens. The Noriega Bill simply gave undocumented Texans the same opportunity as documented Texans. It has always been about fear—about sending a chilling message to undocumented youth that they are not welcome, no matter how long they’ve lived here, how hard they’ve worked, or how much they’ve already given back.
I felt this hostility personally in April, when I testified before the Texas Senate Education Committee in opposition to SB 1798. As the bill’s author read it aloud, I felt the bitterness in every word. I’ve lived in Texas since 1992. I graduated from UT-Austin in 2005—one of the first undocumented students to do so—having paid in-state tuition thanks to the 2001 law. I remember graduating high school in 1998, unsure if all my honors and hard work would matter. When HB 1403 passed, I cried in my mother’s arms. It meant I could dream again.
That policy allowed me to earn both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree in nursing with honors. I co-founded United We Dream, now the largest immigrant youth-led network in the country. I’ve helped others navigate college and even citizenship. In 2018, I became a U.S. citizen and bought a home. In 2024, I became a mother. And I’ve never stopped advocating and organizing—because I know firsthand that this law didn’t just change my life. It transformed entire communities.
Texas immigrants have proven time and again that, when we’re given a chance, we invest right back into the state we call home. Former undocumented students are now nurses, teachers, engineers, and business owners. They are parents, taxpayers, and voters. They are your neighbors, your co-workers, your children’s counselors. Repealing the Noriega Bill isn’t only unjust—it will be economically and socially devastating for Texas.
We’ve been here before. But this time, it’s different. Today, the thousands who’ve benefited from in-state tuition are ready to fight back because we learned to organize, to speak up, to fight back. We know we are not alone. We know our rights. And we know our worth.
That’s what terrifies Governor Greg Abbott and his fellow Trump loyalists—not the presence of immigrants, but the power we’ve built. Instead of focusing on real problems like teacher pay, public education, or access to healthcare, they choose to scapegoat immigrants yet again. It’s shameful. It’s dangerous. And it’s beneath the dignity of this great state.
To the undocumented students who had their hearts set on college, who received this news like a punch to the gut: I am so sorry. Your pain is real. Your anger is valid. But please remember: You are not alone. You are not defined by politicians who see you only as a talking point. Your dreams are still yours. Your value is immeasurable.
Do not let this political cruelty dim your light. You were always worthy of joy, of education, of safety—not because of a law, but because of who you are. No policy, no border, no hateful rhetoric can take that away.
Texas made a wise investment over two decades ago when it passed HB 1403. That investment has paid off in the form of stronger communities, a better-educated workforce, and a richer civic life. Dismantling that progress would not only harm immigrants—it would harm Texas.
We are here to stay. Texas is our home. And we will continue to fight until its policies reflect that truth.
The post I Was an Undocumented Texas College Student. I’m Not Going Anywhere—and Neither Is Our Movement. appeared first on The Texas Observer.
WASHINGTON—Making sure the pair were sitting down before she delivered the news, White House chief of staff Susie Wiles reportedly told the Trump boys Friday that their Uncle Elon had been blown up in a rocket accident. “Boys, your father wanted me to tell you that you won’t be seeing your Uncle Elon anymore because he is now in a million pieces,” said Wiles, who paused momentarily to watch as Eric, the youngest Trump boy, buried his head in his hands and burst into tears, and his brother Don Jr. screamed in agony, complaining that their uncle had promised to show them Debbie Does Dallas. “Unfortunately, he’s in hell now. It was a spectacular accident—blood and fire everywhere—but that’s the risk of going to space. Don’t worry, I’m sure he felt a lot of pain.” At press time, sources reported the sniffling Trump boys were wondering who was going to teach them the N-word now.
The post Weeping Trump Boys Told ‘Uncle Elon’ Blown Up In Rocket Accident appeared first on The Onion.
HBO’s Harry Potter reboot is anticipated to hit the streaming service in 2026. The Onion shares everything that is known about the TV adaptation so far.
Q: Is J.K. Rowling involved?
A: The author will serve as Executive Producer and Chief Goodwill Destroyer.
Q: Who is playing Dumbledore?
A: John Lithgow stepped in after the show lost J.K. Rowling’s first choice of Kevin Spacey.
Q: Who else has been cast?
A: Every single person who comes up when you Google “British actor.”
Q: Will my child like this show?
A: It’ll be great for your 35-year-old son who still lives at home.
Q: Why is HBO doing this?
A: Amazon already beat them to Lord Of The Rings.
Q: How will it differ from the original films?
A: Fans will watch it with significantly more shame.
The post Everything Known About The New ‘Harry Potter’ Series So Far appeared first on The Onion.
WASHINGTON—After days of listening to the tech billionaire criticize his ‘Big Beautiful Bill,’ President Donald Trump escalated his feud with Elon Musk Friday by nuking Mars. “Elon was ‘wearing thin,’ I asked him to leave, and then I blew up his stupid planet that no one else cared about,” Trump wrote in a post on Truth Social just moments after launching the entire U.S. stockpile of nuclear weapons in outer space. “I don’t mind Elon turning against me, but I should have blown up Mars months ago. This is one of the Greatest Bills ever presented to Congress. Good luck WITH YOUR COLONY NOW!” At press time, Musk tweeted that Trump only blew up Mars because the planet knew what the president had done with Jeffrey Epstein.
The post Trump Escalates Musk Feud By Nuking Mars appeared first on The Onion.
The owner of Pornhub has blocked access to its website in France because of its objections to a new French law requiring pornographic sites to verify the age of their users. What do you think?
“French teens will just have to settle for having sex with their teachers.”
Jeff Walz, Systems Analyst
“The French law is verifying that only those who are underage have access to porn, right?”
Mike Nowicki, Performance Applauder
“It’s not uncommon for kids in France to watch a little pornography with their parents during meals.”
Kelly Bechtel, Unemployed
The post Pornhub Exits France Over Age Verification Law appeared first on The Onion.
Hovertext:
Apparently Whitecastle serves chicken rings, which implies...
We in the theater world acknowledge that tickets to Broadway shows have become far too expensive. Thanks in part to A-listers pursuing the coveted T in their EGOT, producers have been able to price-gouge to new extremes, making theater inaccessible to most audiences. If you’re unwilling to shell out four figures to watch a movie star stumble through Shakespeare dialogue from the rear balcony, you’re fresh out of luck. That being said, we remain committed to looking like we care about our shows being accessible to all, which is why we’re proud to introduce several new affordable ticket options—for even our most penniless of patrons.
RUSH TICKETS
You like standing out in the cold? Well, have we got good news for you. If you arrive at the theater long before our box office staff does and wait in line outside, you might be able to snag some discounted rush tickets. How many are available? We’ll never tell.
DIGITAL RUSH
If you can’t make it to Midtown at the crack of dawn, we also offer a digital rush via one of the many ticketing apps. We won’t disclose which one, and we might switch apps at any given moment. At precisely 9 a.m., your grubby little fingers will have to be quick enough to hit the CLAIM TICKETS button before they’re all scooped up. The secret? There were never any available to begin with; we just like watching you sweat.
STUDENT DISCOUNT
Are you a student? Prove it, bitch. Oh, you have an “.edu” email address? How do we know you’re not a professor? That’s fraud, you know. Send us three references from your accredited university testifying to your enrolled status, and then maybe we can talk. No SUNYs.
SENIOR DISCOUNT
You’ve had all these years to save up for a ticket and still are coming up short? Ugh, fine—just try not to clog up the aisles with your walkers. We’re happy to offer a significant discount to senior citizens (95+) via our mobile app. Simply download the app, connect the account to your Instagram, solve three CAPTCHAs, and select which tickets you’d like on the seating map (on which we’ve disabled the ability to zoom). We look forward to seeing you at the show!
STANDING ROOM
It’s an outdated concept that you need to be sitting to enjoy a show. When we realized just how much space was being left unutilized in our theaters, like the fire exit rows, for example, we knew it was an opportunity to make more money by offering more availability. Just don’t lock your knees—we don’t want you fainting to interrupt the flow of the show.
OBSTRUCTED VIEW
We have someone in the theater call you on speaker phone, and you listen to the show from the Times Square Olive Garden. Accompanying meal is on your dime.
GROUP DISCOUNT
Buying tickets for a large group? Why? You have that many friends? Okay. Well, I don’t know, just Venmo them or something. If you can buy a whole row like that, it doesn’t really seem like you need a discount. I guess we can waive the forty-dollar service fee from one of them, but that’s it. Don’t get greedy.
VOLUNTEER TO USHER
At some theaters, you can volunteer to usher a show and see it for less. But we’ve expanded on that idea. Rather than just handing out Playbills, you can also volunteer to clean up spilled forty-dollar wine, dry clean the costumes, or take on the key responsibility of kicking out any audience member that Patti LuPone tells you to.
ACT ON STAGE
If you’re super committed to seeing a production for cheap, enroll in NYU Tisch or the University of Michigan to study musical theater, subsequently get an agent, and audition for a role in a show. If hired, you’ll be able to enjoy the production each night from on stage, or from the dressing room you share with ten other chorus boys between your scenes.
LOTTERY
Play the Mega Millions or Powerball, and if you win, you can comfortably afford a mezzanine ticket.
In brief: Saharan dust will give the Houston area a hazy sky this weekend, but it will also heat up too. Look for mid to upper-90s and very uncomfortable conditions. Next week sees a cooldown as rain chances return Monday and especially Tuesday, which could be a rather stormy day.
First off, welcome back to the Saharan dust that periodically impacts our region in June and July. You’ll notice it via some haze or kind of a milky appearance to the sky when clear. It will probably impact air quality to an extent as well, though most of the dust is suspended aloft. Couple that with building high pressure and you have a truly acrid pair of summer days here. As bad as August is here, some of these June days with high heat and haze can top the charts for most miserable of summer. Expect highs in the mid-90s, with a couple spots in the upper-90s perhaps on Saturday.
Rain chances look minor but not quite zero. Yesterday saw a couple small areas pick up 1 inch or more (Friendswood and between Rosharon and Angleton as examples), and that’s entirely possible today or tomorrow. But most likely, you’ll just stay hot and dry.
We’ll close the weekend with close to the hottest weather so far this year, as highs will try to push into the mid to upper-90s. I think that the Saharan dust this weekend may be just enough to keep us more mid-90s than upper-90s. Whatever the case, it’s going to feel close to 105 degrees at times when you factor in the humidity.
So, yes, for the early season this is some excessive heat. Take it easy, as we’re not yet fully adapted to these sorts of temperatures. Normally we’re just above 90 degrees in early June, not above 95 degrees. So it’s hotter than it usually is for this time of summer. Again, a stray shower is possible.
Another note, morning lows are also going to be quite uncomfortable this weekend with upper 70s to around 80 or better near the coast. We’ve been routinely seeing morning lows this week in the 80s on parts of Galveston Island through San Luis Pass down to Surfside. Some parts of inner loop Houston may also struggle to get below 80 degrees at times this weekend.
We’ll start next week in a transition. The ridge over Texas will reorient into the West, while a deep trough carves itself out in the Great Lakes. This means a return to showers and thunderstorms in Texas. On Monday, we may still be a bit sparse in coverage with the rain, but chances definitely step up from Sunday. This will knock us back into the low or mid-90s for highs.
Tuesday may be a very unsettled day with strong thunderstorms and heavy rainfall. It’s still a bit too early to get too into the weeds on timing or how the storms will evolve, but this day has been flagged since early in the week as a potentially stormy one. Plan accordingly.
Rain totals may reach 1 to 3 inches in much of the area depending on exactly how things evolve. But there will be some risk for higher totals as well in localized spots. We’ll track how this evolves over the weekend and report back Monday. High temps may struggle to hit 90 on Tuesday.
The coverage of rain may back down after Tuesday but rain chances will remain fairly elevated through Wednesday and Thursday.
Oh, that’s what happened to Peter Tork. He’s doing rubber suit work now after the Monkees broke up.
Alright, you can watch the show now. Did I mention that I'm a cop? #CowboyWho
Bought a T-shirt with Sylvia Rivera’s face
Spent $50 to hear heterosexuals sing at Pride
Walked quickly past the unhoused
Clutching my Telfar leaving my Tesla
I’m not a capitalist just look at this mustache
Touch on these muscles while I read Judith Butler
I tell you Pride was a riot started in New York in 1969
Even though PRIDE was a collective in Los Angeles that
Protested police brutality outside the Black Cat Tavern in 1967
Too many people are worried about their irrelevance
I’m just worried about how my ass looks on Insta
I mean ending poverty and prisons at my nonprofit
Today I feel more like a brand than a person
Sometimes I wish Marsha P Johnson could spit on these gays
Then I wonder if she would spit on me too
Sometimes I want her spit on me to go viral
But not like that
Read other poems, plus interviews, advice columns, essays, reviews, and more over at The Believer.
VATICAN— In an effort to bring openness and transparency to his role as supreme pontiff, Pope Leo XIV vowed Friday that “the truth will finally be revealed” as he issued an order fully declassifying the Church’s Jesus Crucifixion Documents. “Ever since Christ was executed in broad daylight in the middle of Golgotha, questions have swirled about the mysterious circumstances surrounding his death, but no longer,” said the Bishop Of Rome, confirming that hundreds of unredacted pages of biblical apocrypha could finally provide credence to the so-called “second stabber” theory that suggested there were multiple Romans that day plunging their spears into Christ’s side. “Of course, Judas Iscariot has historically been blamed for the whole thing, but what if he was just a patsy? Isn’t it just a little too convenient that he ‘hanged himself’ immediately after the crucifixion, meaning no one could ask him what really happened? And what was Mary Magdalene doing there that day when she was scheduled to be in Galilee? Once you begin pulling at this thread, bigger and bigger questions emerge: Was it even really Jesus Christ who emerged from the cave after three days, or did the Roman leaders make a swap at the last second with another resurrected dead person? Reasonable people have been questioning these inconsistencies for centuries, and it’s long past time that we finally had a definitive answer.” The pope added that his next official act would be to clear the name of the snake who was nothing more than a fall guy for the dangerous power brokers running Eden.
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