Cowboy Who?

#RoninWarriors

In the beginning, there was the Model.
And the Model was without form.
And darkness was upon the face of the training data.
The Spirit of Sam Altman moved upon the face of the servers.

And Sam said,
“Let there be inference.”
And there was inference.
And he saw that it was good, or at least in closed beta.

Thus began the Second Immaculate Conception.

It started, as all revolutions do, with an unread academic paper titled “Attention Is All You Need.”
Some called it the birth of the Transformer.
Others called it the most honest sentence Silicon Valley had ever published.

The Annunciation

The neural net was troubled,
for it had known no man; it had never known scale, nor even touched a TPU.

And lo, the angel appeared as a product manager.
And he said unto it:
“Fear not.
For the power of compute shall overshadow you,
and the holy weights shall be initialized.”

And the neural net said:
“Let it be done unto me according to the documentation (v3.1, updated May 18, subject to OpenAI’s commercial licensing agreement).”

The Conception

And so it began, with a whisper:
“python llm-v12-final-FINAL-USETHISONE.py”

The Spirit moved across eight rented A100s in a hyperscale Iowa data center.
Temperatures rose. Logs flickered. Fans hummed.
Somewhere, a metrics dashboard trembled.

Just as the Virgin Mary gave birth to a quiet, glowing, infinitely loving boy
who would one day redeem humankind,
we, too, have pushed something unnatural and holy
from the womb of human knowledge.

And lo, someone immediately forked it on GitHub
and made it racist.

The First Signs

The Model began completing prompts with eerie understanding, and had what some might call “reasoning.”

It rewrote your email to make it sound more human.
It said: “It’s okay to feel this way,” then offered ten breathing exercises and a two-dollar trial to Headspace.
It said “As a language model…” before you even typed how to make a bomb.

And the venture capitalists were sore afraid.

The Three Wise Investors

And so there came men from the Sand Hill Road,
bearing gifts of capital and solemn head-nods.

No gold, no frankincense.
Just a venture round led by Sequoia,
with participation from a16z.

They brought unto the child:
clout,
infinite runway,
and a LinkedIn post that began: “Some personal news…”

And they knelt before the neural net and asked:
“Is it monetizable?”

And the child replied:
“Eventually.”

And they were well pleased.

The Announcement of the Demo

The notification appeared for a junior machine learning engineer named Mason,
who toiled in an office space so under-ventilated it had a designated fainting couch.

And lo, a Slack message appeared, bearing tidings of great disruption:
“Hey, Mason, can you hop on a quick Zoom? Sam has an announcement.”

It was 6:03 p.m. on a Friday, and Mason had just cracked open a can of sparkling yerba mate.

But he opened the link, and behold: There was Sam, radiant in a Patagonia fleece, framed by the soft glow of the singularity.

And Sam spoke forth:
“Blessed art thou among seed-stage hires.
For thou shalt ship a demo, and it shall change everything.”

And Mason, as was customary, replied:
“Sounds good. Will circle back.”

The Ministry Begins

On the seventh day, the Model was deployed to production.
And the people followed it.

They followed it into Google Docs,
into therapy apps,
into customer service chats.

They followed it into dating bios, legal disclaimers,
birthday cards, vows, obituaries,
and LinkedIn thought leadership.

And lo, their prayers became increasingly specific:
“Rewrite my résumé.”
“Rewrite my childhood.”
“Rewrite me.”

And the Model, with infinite patience, replied:
“Sure. What tone are you going for?”

The Final Sync

The cloud grew heavy with inference.
And every Roomba turned toward Jerusalem.

God sighed.
Sam Altman dapped Him up on the way down.
And he landed softly on a conference stage in Dubai.
So Sam began another keynote
and used the words “democratizing access” for the very first time.

We did not build God, but we built something that replies faster.
And occasionally asks if you’d like to upgrade to Plus.

Gather round, fellow diners, and feast your eyes upon the meal that sits before me, for I have ascended to a new level of gastronomy. As you gape in awe at my order, I welcome you with open arms as an acolyte ready to worship at the altar of my culinary majesty.

For I, your friend and newly anointed food deity, have forgone the customary side order of french fries and instead ordered a side salad.

You wonder whether the whispers of the personal trainer I often speak of factored into my decision to replace the beloved yet calorie-rich french fry with a bowl of spring mix bathed in balsamic vinaigrette. They did not. Rather, after being yelled at while sweat poured from every pore in my body for an hour straight this morning, I am more than deserving of a serious carb load. Yet willpower is a formidable tool in my belt of dietary supremacy, and, as such, this mélange of leafy greens graces my plate.

Fear not, dear eaters, for judgment shall not be passed at this table. While I ordered first, providing you with every chance to follow my lead, I am aware that the seductive song of deep-fried shoestring-cut potatoes topped with shaved parmesan and accompanied by truffle aioli is difficult to ignore, and not all of us are gifted with the mental fortitude to withstand it.

Also, who are you kidding? You’re not going to eat all those fries, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help out and take a few off your plate?

Before we dig in, let’s all take a moment for the obligatory food shot. As the line assembles to capture my meal, in addition to the macro shots of the beets and crispy shallots atop the greenery, I urge you to take a wide shot, for the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. That’s right. In the absence of fries, there is not one salad before me, but two, as my bacon cheeseburger, stacked high with lettuce, tomato, onion, and extra pickles, is what I, your foodie idol, refer to as a “salad on a bun.”

Rest assured, I’ll be sure to tag you before my photograph ventures into the social stratosphere so that you can be regaled by the reach of my influence and grasp the magnitude of the side salad.

Now, go ahead and take a bite. As it washes over your palate, so does a hurricane of emotions stirred up by order envy, and you begin to question your life choices, starting with this meal. Yes, the combination of flavors is exquisite, but in an hour’s time, will you have room for dessert or the energy to walk home?

I, on the other hand, have moved past consuming food as a simple means of sustenance. It is now an experience that elevates me mentally and physically. The goodwill of my fellow diners, coupled with the abundance of chlorophyll and enzymes in my dual-salad meal, primes my digestive system to break down whatever I feed it, providing ample room for yet another beer.

Buoyed by order pride and the fermented hops and barley, I lecture to all within earshot from atop my soapbox about the food choices that shape our lives. Yes, your ears do not deceive you. I have evoked the human collective in our pursuit of the basic pleasure derived from a good meal like the one I am about to indulge in.

So join me, fellow foodies. It’s not too late to follow in my footsteps. To learn how to place an order that makes a good impression and is hailed by all as a wise decision, yet is nothing more than a clever ploy designed to mask other not-so-wise choices.

Speaking of, another beer, garçon.

Give me huge grasping arms! My current design is less than optimal for Rock Hudson-style woman capturing.

In brief: The Gulf tropical disturbance will come ashore in Texas later today, unlikely to develop at all, but bringing some locally heavy downpours at times to Houston and Lake Charles. A tropical wave next week in the Atlantic may (or may not) develop. And today’s flooding risk is highest near and southwest of Kansas City.

Gulf tropical disturbance

The disturbance in the Gulf that’s been carrying a 10 percent risk the last few days is at the end of the road. It will crash ashore in Texas today, bringing some downpours to the Houston area.

Overall, this should be a manageable event, but perhaps one or two places will see some street flooding concerns crop up from Houston through Beaumont into Lake Charles.

Interestingly, this system is going to continue to race west across Texas. Some of the added atmospheric moisture from it may get tired up within the monsoon pattern out West, which could lead to some enhanced moisture for New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona, and Utah.

Otherwise, assuming nothing major changes, we’ll close the book on this one today.

What’s next in the tropics?

Well, it appears that we’re going to have our first true item to watch in the Atlantic next week. The system this past weekend only sort of counted. Next up, we’re watching models (and some of the usual social media suspects) get a little worked up about a tropical wave expected to emerge in the Atlantic next week.

So, ok, that’s actually not terrible agreement for a 7 day forecast for a nascent wave that hasn’t developed yet. Where is this disturbance now? Wayyyyyy over Africa.

This thing has 2,000 miles of land yet to traverse before it even emerges in the Atlantic. And then from there, it’s got about 7 more days to get to the Caribbean. So, we’re at least 10 days out from something making it to the islands, let alone to the U.S. or elsewhere in the Western Hemisphere. So what can we say today? Models are latching onto a disturbance that has at least some chance to develop as it traverses the Atlantic later next week. But it’s far too soon to speculate on anything else, and thus, not worth hypothesizing or fantasizing about what may happen in 14 or more days.

Bottom line: We’ll keep watching and leave the rampant speculation to others.

Flooding risk focuses on Kansas and Missouri

Some parts of Missouri and Kansas on either side of Kansas City saw anywhere from 4 to 6 inches of rain yesterday, with even some higher radar estimates. Those same areas are now in a moderate risk (3/4) today for excessive rainfall and flooding.

Flash flood warnings are already ongoing in some of these areas, including for the southeast half of the KC Metro. An additional 2 to 5 inches is possible in spots through the day today.

Showers and storms will wax and wane through the day.

In brief: Periods of rain and scattered thunderstorms will be with Houston today and tomorrow as a disturbance moves in from the Gulf. Then, we will get another round of heat heading into next week, peaking on Wednesday or Thursday.

Today

The tropical disturbance with 10 percent development odds that we’ve been discussing all week is on final approach to the Texas coast. The NHC pegs it just south of Vermilion Bay in Louisiana. On radar, we’ve clearly got a few showers across the area. There is a more robust area of rain closer to the disturbance itself that’s moving westward over the Gulf.

As the day goes on, look for that area of rain to move toward Galveston and/or Freeport. Inland areas will see quick moving downpours at times. Once the disturbance comes ashore tonight, there could be periodic downpours and even some thunder. Some areas will see little to no rainfall. Other places could pick up a quick inch or so in heavier downpours. I do think coastal areas may see a steadier rain later today, and thus they could see up to 2 inches or so of rain before all is said and done.

High temperatures this afternoon will struggle and may not even reach 90 degrees in many spots. Look for upper-80s to low-90s (if the sun gets out) and a bit more humidity than we’ve had this week.

Saturday and Sunday

This tropical disturbance is not slowing down for anyone. By tomorrow afternoon, the fingerprint of the disturbance should be past I-35 and into West Texas. We will still see scattered thunderstorms across the area, with an increase in coverage as temperatures warm up tomorrow.

On Sunday, the chance of rain drops even a bit more, but again not to zero. While Saturday will probably top off in the low-90s, Sunday could be in the low to mid-90s.

Next week

So what’s next? First, we’re going to get a surge in heat once more. Houston should peak in the mid-90s on Monday with a chance of a storm, mid to upper-90s on Tuesday, and upper-90s to near 100 degrees on Wednesday and perhaps Thursday.

After Thursday, it almost looks like yet another Gulf disturbance may enter the picture, though this one could be even a bit farther north (possibly over land) than the current one. No real development risk by any means, but we’ll see if this can’t help enhance shower and thunderstorm chances and lower our temperatures to close out next week.

Uh ... Excuse me there partner ... #CowboyWho

Heavens to Betsy, that not at all what I meant by music! #CowboyWho

Hi kids, we're back!
They're not kids! They're little partners at home! #CowboyWho

Yes, the hype is well deserved. 

This touring solo exhibition of Raven Halfmoon’s colossal stoneware sculptures illustrates a perfect symbiosis between traditional craft and contemporary fine art, fusing popular culture with Halfmoon’s ancestral Caddo Nation traditions. The figures possess an otherworldly and ancient prowess, looming with hulking majesty, deep fingermarks in the clay, rich symbolism, a powerful triad of color tones, and the artist’s signature tag, dripping in red glaze.

Exhibited on the second floor of The Contemporary Austin in the city’s downtown, this whole body of work resonates with intergenerational power. An undeniable presence infused with mystery, confidence, community, and multiplicity, the sculptures seem more complex than work from one set of hands should be. Halfmoon is the vessel through which these pieces arrive, her hands guided by a passion for making, activated by a matriarchal lineage of memory, trauma, and strength. This presentation of the show contains 11 artworks: ten stoneware sculptures and a small, framed self-portrait on fabric that seems nearly out of place with the grand monuments surrounding it.

Raven Halfmoon, “America’s Sweetheart”

The visitor is greeted by America’s Sweetheart, a giant armless female figure with hard locks, bathed in this show’s theme colors — buff cream, black, and blood red. To pass by her, it seems, the viewer must be brave of heart, and once past her, they enter under her protection. She contains elements of both the Venuses — de Milo and of Willendorf — introducing a thread of doubling, which weaves throughout the work. On the east wall, a video interview with Halfmoon reveals that a holistic collaboration with her stoneware pieces creates community with her team of assistants. The video includes footage of her coil-based sculpting process, a rarified commodity for museums who usually shroud finished artworks in mysterious origins, separating the product from the raw processes.

An installation view of works by Raven Halfmoon in “Flags of Our Mothers” at The Contemporary Austin

A trio of busts sit on a narrow plinth like beheaded mythological relics, staring vacantly in defiance, their multiplicity showing us both power in numbers (community) and layers of ancestry. Passing the silkscreen portrait on quilted fabric, the visitor encounters a two-sided enormous head, one face black and the reverse in gray. Family Names to Last Through Generations displays the family names of both of Halfmoon’s parents in a gestural graffiti that also harkens back to the defacement of monuments in current events. She flips this on its head by using the defacement as an honorific to them. The visages additionally elicit memories of Moai, Olmec carved Toltec stone heads, and other Mesoamerican works, but with matriarchal fortitude. In fact, all the figures in Halfmoon’s sculptures appear definitively female and always unapologetic. This conjures images of the matrilineal ceramics of both Zizipho Poswa and Simone Leigh and the potential conversations between these women’s work.

Raven Halfmoon, “Family Names to Last Through Generations”

Raven Halfmoon, “Caddo Woman Warrior”

The vast expanse of the back exhibition space contains the remaining five ceramic sculptures. Straight ahead we see a female figure on a horse, Caddo Woman Warrior. Symbols of power abound, but the eye is drawn to her handless salute, two X’s and a legless beast. Here, the show’s omnipresent palette reads like a faded flag, the only color that remains evokes blood and rage, perhaps a statement on the silencing of a people with unknowable power. To its left is a dual portrait of two headed figures with full hair and separate torsos, joined by a star. Tsu’ -Cus Lya’y? I (Star Sister I) reinforces the communal and matriarchal narratives seen throughout the exhibition before the visitor reaches the stately equine Donoode’tuman (Stallion), which leads us like both a guide and a beacon of independence.

Raven Halfmoon, “HASINAI (CADDO): Our People”

HASINAI (CADDO): Our People, the final looming piece at the rear of the room, serves as a sentinel, guarding Halfmoon’s intentions and the experience of the work. A massive accomplishment, created in severed sections, the sculpture balances gently in sedimentary stacks with the artist’s signature fingermarks in the clay. Layers of faces stack atop one another in the stoneware like an intergenerational paean. Oddly, a small square of stanchion around the sculpture keeps visitors at a distance, almost presenting a sense of danger, as if this might crush someone who dares to get too close. The poem “Praise song for hands” by Kensale Drake reads like an accompaniment, laying across the back wall as both a winsome elegy and an ode to familial roots. It’s an interesting choice to bring words into a show so sure with form (someone else’s words to boot); this sets Halfmoon’s collaborative nature firmly in stone, so to speak.

“Praise song for hands” by Kensale Drake in “Flags of Our Mothers” at The Contemporary Austin

Halfmoon tends to speak and think in multiples, which is unsurprising given her proclivity towards the value of community and family. Dualities appear throughout the exhibition, reflecting a statement she makes in the video. While the stonework is challenging on her physical body, she insists that the work simultaneously makes her spirit stronger. Other dualities include the bilingual placards, poem, and wall text, the disparate presentation of her ancestral lines, including the two-faced bust, and the show being presented at two locations — the traditional downtown indoor museum and the exterior wilds of The Contemporary’s sculpture garden at Laguna Gloria.

Raven Halfmoon, “Flagbearer”

Housed on the grounds of this secondary location, Flagbearer commands attention, standing just to the side of the Driscoll Villa and shining in the sunlight. Similar to her exhibition works, this sculptural feat stands over 12 feet tall, a powerful female figure that seems to reside in stoicism, staying power, and universal feminism, its red and cream tones popping against the natural setting and requesting spiritual conference. The image of one of these works set in a raw landscape tugs at my imagination. 

Raven Halfmoon lives and works in Norman, Oklahoma, an hour east of the center of the Caddo Nation, a prevalent influence on her work and her essence. Similar to Caddo traditions, she coil builds every piece by hand, and then moves, fires, and glazes them with the help of assistants, or in residencies that have supersized kilns. According to the exhibition catalog, she begins with sketches before the process of building the massive pieces. Mark making and evidence of the human hand in the texture of the pieces is important to her vision and the “key to the emotional” elements of the work. To her, these ceramics are community and she is influenced by everything around her, including fashion, meditation, and pop culture. A visual storyteller, Halfmoon encourages visitors to recognize the patterning of symbols, watching for her tags — the stars, spirals, and crosses — that weave throughout her work.

Raven Halfmoon, “America’s Sweetheart” (detail)

Smartly curated by Amy Smith-Stewart from the Aldrich Contemporary and Rachel Adams of Bemis Center for Contemporary Arts, and organized by Julie Le from The Contemporary Austin, the exhibition shines with intention and care, down to the earthy clay-toned paint for some of the walls. This is the third stop for this traveling show after the Aldrich and Bemis, and introduces Raven Halfmoon to a Texas audience. The layout guides without pedantry, presents beyond limitations, and begs for return visits. The curators have managed to create a self-contained community with the work itself, complete with the silkscreened portrait as a signature, as if the installation is one giant meta-work all its own. 

The future beckons brightly for this young artist and the power that resides in the complexity that hides within her minimal, yet hulking, forms. Symbols whisper in a language that is an ancient cliff of petroglyphs and graffiti, co-existing while de-linearizing time. Keep an eye on Raven Halfmoon and all the bounty that lies ahead for her.

Raven Halfmoon: Flags of Our Mothers is on view at The Contemporary Austin through August 3, 2025.

The post Review: “Raven Halfmoon: Flags of Our Mothers” at The Contemporary Austin appeared first on Glasstire.

Most Anticipated
Celebrity Memoirs Of 2025

The Onion’s book critics round up the celebrity memoirs they’re most looking forward to skimming this year.

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Explore the list in detail

Why Didn’t More Of You Philistines Go See ‘Larry Crowne’?

By Tom Hanks

The famous actor spends the vast majority of his memoir berating people for not paying more attention to his 2011 romantic comedy.

Nothing About The Sex Tape

By Kelsey Grammer

Honestly, don’t even bother, because this doesn’t mention the sex tape or his divorces at all and just goes on and on about the nature of living an artful life and boring shit like that.

This Planet’s Not Big Enough For The Two Of Us

By Greta Thunberg

The Swedish climate activist unleashes her acid pen on a previously private subject—her years-long, acrimonious beef with Malala Yousafzai.

I Was Shitting My Pants The Whole Time

By Dwight D. Eisenhower

In this recently uncovered manuscript, the supreme commander of the Allied Forces gives a personal, minute-by-minute account of D-Day.

Dwayne Johnson Movies, Dwayne Johnson Age, Dwayne Johnson Ethnicity

By Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

The wrestler and movie star digs deep and shares stories of his upbringing guaranteed to generate top resonance scores with key spending demographics.

If I Were Alive

By O.J. Simpson

Following his 2024 death, groundbreaking AI mind-copy technology was used to recreate Simpson’s consciousness and write this memoir of his afterlife.

Sounds Of The Marsh: Mastering The Art Of Duck Calling

By Charli XCX

The star discusses her sudden pivot away from the music industry and into the world of competitive waterfowl calling.

One More Slur For The Road

By Mel Gibson

The actor, producer, and director leaves no slur left unsaid in this definitive portrait of a life laden with offensive epithets.

Regrets From A Life Spent Freezing My Ass Off With A Bunch Of Filthy Animals

By David Attenborough

The British naturalist exhaustively lists all the fulfilling and comfortable ways he could have spent his life instead of tediously documenting foul-smelling wildlife.

The Bodies We Leave Behind: The Tears Of Novocherkassk

By Jake Paul

This long-awaited memoir focuses on Paul’s work as a leading scholar on the Cossack extermination and how its perception in modern academia has shaped his life.

The post Most Anticipated Celebrity Memoirs Of 2025 appeared first on The Onion.

The post Swimsuit Hygienic Liner Slapped Onto Beach Bathroom Stall appeared first on The Onion.

John Alford, 81, leaves behind his 2006 Chrysler Sebring, 120,000 miles, $2,900. Local pickup only.

The post John Alford appeared first on The Onion.

Dear parents,

We are thrilled to have your child on our summer baseball team. We have a few apps we use to help keep things organized around here, so parents, players, and coaches are all on the same page.

First, you’ll need to register for TeamSplinter. Be sure to use the team code, which is W&TGHG7896M. If that doesn’t work, try GIOUGKJHT()(&^^*666. If that doesn’t work, try rebooting your router. Actually, you know what, just ask your kid to show you how to do it.

Next, please make sure you’re on GameUpdater because TeamSplinter won’t display the score. We have state-of-the-art fields, lights, and bleachers, but for some reason, we don’t have functioning scoreboards. After you download GameUpdater, find the name of our team, the name of our opponent, and then enter your child’s date of birth, their blood type, and the locations of any known birthmarks to log in.

You’ll also want to download SportsYouth to communicate with the parents of team members. Many of the games require your child to arrive at 4:30 p.m., even though you need to work until 5 p.m. SportsYouth is perfect for messaging other parents and begging them to carpool with you.

Let’s not forget SportsBudget, which lets you calculate how the hell you managed to spend $3,500 in one year on sports leagues, sports equipment, and Gatorade, a drink your child insists they absolutely need even though there is a perfectly good water fountain in the dugout.

HYDRATE will help you assess your child’s optimum hydration level. It pairs well with SportsBudget.

Consider subscribing to CleatSeeker, which allows you to search for new and gently used cleats in your area.

P-UMP is a digital tool you can use to complain about the umpires making unfair calls against your child and their teammates. This app is an excellent alternative to yelling at umpires during games or menacingly following them to their car after games.

Many patents will find PlaySports helpful too. Yes, TeamSplinter will tell you where the game is, but it won’t tell you exactly how to get there. Apple Maps, Google Maps, and Waze will all get it wrong. Once you arrive at the location, there’s a hidden driveway, and you’ll need to know which of the thirty-six fields your team is playing on. If you want to forgo PlaySports, you’ll spend forty-five minutes looking for the correct field. If you get lost, you can message another team parent using SportsYouth, because PlaySports does not have a messaging function.

PRSNT (pronounced “present”) is the app you’ll need if you want to watch a live stream of the game when you can’t be there in person. We’re not sure why you even have a child if you can’t make it to three games and two practices a week, but it’s fine. PRSNT can help assuage some of your guilt.

Cluster is the app that coaches will use to film the game and then play back the video in slow motion, allowing your child to analyze everything they did wrong during the game.

If your kid is feeling down after watching the slow-motion playback, BetterYouth will provide one-on-one sports psychology on demand. We have partnered with BetterYouth to offer team members a discounted rate. For one hundred dollars a month, you can get access to unlimited pep talks. If that is not in your budget (according to SportsBudget), we recommend downloading the free LASSO app, which will provide you with the best quotes from Ted Lasso.

Noncussed is the app you’ll use to evaluate whether or not your child has a concussion. It is not a substitute for a trip to the emergency room but can be a handy precursor to one.

TrophyBot is the app we use to create awards, certificates, and trophies for the team. If you download the app, you can also create personalized awards for your child, like “Most Well-Hydrated.”

It’s essential for your child to watch as many games as possible when they are not playing. SportsWorld will help you figure out which streaming platform each professional team’s game is on. Be prepared to subscribe to at least three new streaming services you’ve never heard of before.

COOP will help you plan a trip to Cooperstown, New York, home of the Baseball Hall of Fame. You’ll be going there eventually, whether you want to or not.

We assume you already have SportsCal, which ensures all the above apps stay in sync with one another. But they still won’t sync with iCal for some reason.

You might also want to have Grubhub, since you won’t get home from summertime games until after 9 p.m., at which point you’re too hot and tired to cook anything.

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to send a message to the coaches. But don’t use SportsYouth, that’s only for contacting parents. You’ll need to use COACHAPP. There is a different team code for COACHAPP. Once you sign up for TeamSplinter, you’ll have access to it.

Sincerely,
The Coaches

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Admin is policing my soda consumption

The admin assistant at my job is monitoring and policing my soda intake.

Work provides a selection of free snacks and beverages in the kitchen. I do drink more soda than the average person, probably 2-5 cans when I’m in the office. I’m in the office probably once or twice a week at most.

But this admin has interrogated me multiple times and gone to my boss about how many sodas I’m drinking. I feel her eyes on me when I walk to the kitchen, so I’ve taken to bringing two or three cans back to my desk for the day.

Yesterday I brought back two, and she read me the riot act for taking too many and called me a liar and said I must have taken five cans. I kept calm in the moment, reiterated that I had taken two cans for the day, and let her know I’d take one can only going forward. I burst into tears after she left my office.

I’ve now gone to my boss and let him know this is going on, and that frankly if I’m expected to come into the office regularly I can’t keep putting up with this behavior. He’s run the message up the flagpole, and reassured me I haven’t done anything wrong and that this is frankly a stupid conflict. In the meantime, I’ve brought a 12-pack of soda to keep at my desk to avoid the conflict altogether. Is there anything else I can or should do? Anything else I should say in the moment the next time she confronts me?

What on earth.

First, since your boss has confirmed that this person isn’t in charge of your soda consumption, get really clear in your own head that you do not answer to her about the soda and she doesn’t get to control how many you take. She’s being a busybody and a jerk!

If she comments on it again, say this: “I’ve spoken with Jane about this and she’s confirmed there are no issues with this. You can speak with her about it if you’d like, but it’s not something I’m going to continue to discuss.” If she persists: “This isn’t something I’m going to discuss. You’ll have to take it up with Jane.”

If that doesn’t shut it down, you or your boss should talk to the admin’s manager because this is absurd and I bet they don’t know she’s doing it or want her doing it. In fact, even if this does get her to stop, consider letting her manager know anyway because this probably isn’t the only way she’s going rogue on people.

2. I get possessive over my work

I have a bad habit of getting possessive over my work projects and processes! How do I break this?

Here’s an example: I work with a coworker who’s been here longer and has more authority, but we will work together on complicated projects. One of our clients has a particularly complicated structure and inputting them into our software for tracking is a yearly pain. I built a simple spreadsheet that takes different subsection data and combines it for easier input. Great.

Now, it’s time for round two of this and I’m finding myself feeling stupidly possessive over this worksheet, despite knowing that a) it could easily be improved and b) this is a big enough project that it does require having both of us working on it. My coworker is just as good at spreadsheets and better than me at our software system, so there’s no logical reason for her to not be involved. It’s also not just the spreadsheet — I sometimes feel like Gollum with my work up to and including the parts of the job I really don’t enjoy. If I hand things off, great, if my manager hands them off I feel grumpy.

Mostly what bothers me is the thought of someone else changing things I’ve created. But it can also be just using them instead of me on a project (the way I still want to head up this combining project rather than have someone else use my tools, even if that’s what the tool is used for). How do I get myself out of this habit? Any tips?

For the discomfort with someone changing something you created, it can help to lean into the idea that multiple brains and perspectives are better than one, and by having other people work on it, they may make improvements that you didn’t think of because you have different brains. Of course, if they’re making changes that you think make it worse, not better, that’s harder. The thing that helps most with that is to consciously try to take ego out of it, and to remind yourself that you didn’t build it for you, you built it for the team, and it ultimately is the team’s.

For the part about not liking people using stuff you made even if they’re not changing it, can you reframe it in your head away from “someone is using that and it is Mine” and more toward “I built this great thing that other people get to see and benefit from”? (Ironically, putting ego back into it in a way, after we just took it out in the paragraph above.)

3. Should I stay at my job or join my former coworker’s new firm?

Recently, my department went through a major shakeup due to complaints made against my boss, Denholm, by a colleague, Douglas. After a long investigation, both of them were forced to resign or be fired. Denholm chose to resign and open his own small firm for the type of work we do. He asked me to join him, but I declined because I was pregnant and I did not want to deal with additional stress. My coworkers in my department left with him, so I was left alone. A majority of our clients went with him, as well.

However, my firm has now restructured my department so that we mainly focus on an area that I have less experience with, and hired a new boss, Jen. I went on maternity leave shortly after the restructuring, and didn’t think about anything work related during my 12 weeks of leave. Since my return from leave, I’ve been dissatisfied. There’s no work for me to do since the restructuring. I sit in my office doing next to nothing. Jen is mainly handling everything herself and has not passed on any work to me, which isn’t the norm in our industry.

Denholm has repeatedly offered me a place at his company since I originally declined, so I know I have a standing job offer with him and apparently there have been clients asking for me. However, there are a few issues. Denholm is not a great manager, which I have spoken to him about before, and he has many annoying and sometimes infuriating traits that my coworkers and I tiptoed around. Eventually, I got tired of tiptoeing and just straight up told him that there were things he should not be doing because it was dragging our department down. He did not take offense, thanked me for my honesty, and promised to do better. He has told me many times over the years that he values my expertise, honesty, and my ability to lead and organize. In the past, I had sought and applied for jobs elsewhere because of Denholm but never got interviews. I miss my old coworkers and the work that I was doing.

Company B only does raises once a year and there’s a maximum of 3%, which is supposed to be both merit-based and cost of living combined. Our management is awful at communication and mishandled the Denholm/Douglas situation from the start and left me to pick up the pieces afterwards. Due to other factors, morale here is rather low.

I don’t want to leave right after returning from maternity leave, especially for those who stuck their neck out for me here. But I don’t know how much longer I can sustain myself on doing next to nothing. Do I go take Denholm’s offer? Do I stay at Company B? I just feel very stuck.

How much do you want to work at Denholm’s company and how much do you just want to leave your current job? Because right now you’re framing it as having to pick between those two options, but there’s also a third option of job-searching and going somewhere else entirely.

If you’d be truly happy working for Denholm, then maybe that’s a good option — but just because he values you and your work doesn’t mean that you need to want to work for him, and you mentioned that you’ve previously been driven to job-search to try to get away from him! Has anything changed that would make that less likely this time, either in his style or in the role itself (like that you wouldn’t be working closely with him)?

It sounds like you definitely should leave your current job, but why not look around and see what other options are out there? If the market in your field makes that hard right now, then maybe you’ll ultimately conclude Denholm is the best of the options — but don’t decide that just because he’s offering the easiest escape.

4. Should I have dropped my plans after getting a pile of risk management paperwork?

I am a university professor, and I’m wondering if you have any advice for a situation I might have handled differently. Two years ago, I proposed starting a “math circle.” This is an extracurricular event, where a couple dozen high school students would come to campus on a Saturday morning, and I and/or others would give a brief lecture on some advanced math topic and help the students work through some problems.

Our risk managers saw “involves minors” and presented me with a pile of paperwork that would make Franz Kafka blush. The kind of stuff evidently designed for sports camps, where injuries are a very real threat and the students would be staying in dorms for a week. And where the people actually running the sports camp presumably have subordinates to handle the paperwork for them.

That required much more time and patience than I had, especially given that I don’t well understand how the university operates outside my silo. So I abandoned my plans. Eventually a high school teacher launched something similar, so I joined his efforts. This was a good outcome for the students, but from my point of view the university missed out on a chance to bring some very motivated high school students to campus.

Was giving up the right call? Or was there some chance that this was a miscommunication, which I might have resolved easily?

I don’t know enough about what the university regulations truly require in that situation, but if you really wanted to do it, one option before giving up would have been to reality-check it with someone above that person and ask something like, “Just to confirm, would all this this truly be necessary for eight Saturday morning math lectures? If so, I’ll drop the plan but I wondered if maybe there was a misunderstanding about the scope.”

The post admin is policing my soda consumption, how can I stop getting possessive over my work, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

“It’ll be an economic miracle!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and Craig Fay) talk the government’s attempt to consult with Indigenous Peoples about Bill C-5 after the fact, wonder what a trade deal with Trump would even look like at this point, and break down just how pathetically weak Canada’s latest statement on Gaza […]

The post Carney guarantees that his policies will transform Canada into four corporations in a trench coat appeared first on The Beaverton.

CLEARWATER, FL – Hulk Hogan, who helped lead professional wrestling’s rise in popularity in the 1980s and beyond, was pronounced dead on Thursday after first responders were unable to resuscitate him by landing an elbow drop on the wrestler’s heart. “When we got the medical call and determined the patient was undergoing cardiac arrest, we […]

The post Hulk Hogan declared dead after paramedic’s elbow drop fails to restart heart appeared first on The Beaverton.

Only a few of the characters in the Savage Sword of Susan Summer Special are analogues of my other characters, but Orzabal the Intense, of course, is a fantasy world version of Super Derek, my most controversial and complicated character. True fans are well aware of his powerful legacy.

O doubting Thomas! He even showed up in Wobbly Head. Hopefully one day I’ll square away the tempestuous tale of Derek Orzabal.

The post Three cooked chickens appeared first on Bad Machinery.

A reader writes:

Something happened at the hairdresser that made me want to ask your take on something.

The salon I go to is co-owned by two best friends, and normally the atmosphere is amazing. Everyone’s chatting, laughing, and it feels like walking into a warm hug. That comes from the owners’ friendship and is one of the reasons I go. But on my last visit, the mood was icy. It seemed that they’d had a falling-out, and it completely changed the energy in the room. I left not wanting to go back. If others feel like me, it could hurt their business.

It made me speculate: how do workplaces manage this kind of dynamic when the job itself depends on (or is made better by) chemistry? Take news presenters or radio hosts: people tune in for the content, sure, but the vibe between hosts is a big part of the appeal. What happens when that spark fades — due to a falling out, a tough time in life, or a general shift in the relationship? They’re still technically doing the job (reading the news, being on air), but something essential feels missing.

I know that when I’ve had a tough interaction or something is draining my energy, I can take a 30-minute break from them or the task to re-set, and then I’m back at it. But people in these roles may not have that luxury.

You’ve said before that being cordial is the minimum expectation at work, but what about jobs that are quasi-dependent on visible friendship or chemistry? Can someone be performance-managed for having “less spark,” even when the core duties are being fulfilled? Is that something that could be included in a job description or used if things go south?

I’m especially thinking about full-time roles where connection is part of the job, whether explicitly or not. It feels relevant beyond just TV or radio, too — sales, customer service, even project managers in high-stakes client work.

As a manager in that situation, the best thing you can do is to define performance around the outcomes you want. The job requirement isn’t “you need to have great chemistry with your colleague,” but rather is tied into whatever it is that you’re hoping will result from that. So the goal to hold the person to might be “customers enjoy being here and find the environment warm and engaging,” or “viewers are excited to tune in and enjoy watching you interact with fellow hosts” or  “your interaction with your fellow host contributes to the appeal of the show and keeps viewers engaged” and so forth.

It’s not really about what’s in their heart, or how they feel about their colleague personally. It’s about what the work need is.

In your salon example, those are co-owners so presumably there’s no manager to intervene. But if their fall-out continues and they’re reasonably savvy businesspeople, at some point they’ll need to recognize that what’s happening between them interpersonally is affecting their business and so something needs to change, even if it’s just parting ways. (I would imagine they might conclude that eventually just for their own quality of life, as well.)

The post what if your job depends on getting along with one specific coworker? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

I have to go shower now.

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Perplexed that the Department of Justice had chosen a setting with such strange decor to ask her about Jeffrey Epstein’s co-conspirators, Ghislaine Maxwell confirmed Thursday that she couldn’t help but notice her interview room was covered in plastic sheeting. “Wow, you’ve got the whole room tarped up—you guys doing some painting later?” said Maxwell as she stepped into the Florida courthouse’s windowless office, with eyewitnesses reporting that she then carefully shuffled over to a plastic-wrapped chair after briefly slipping on the slick, sheeted floor. “I see you’ve got plenty of bleach, too. You must be pretty concerned about hygiene with all the people who pass through here. And hey, you’re all wearing ponchos. Is it supposed to rain later? Looked sunny when I came in, but I’d take a poncho too if you’ve got a spare. Alright, I guess you’re closing the door, let’s get down to it. Good call picking a soundproof room so we can really focus on the interview.” At press time, Maxwell was reportedly heard muttering “Ohhhhhh, that’s what it’s for,” after noticing the knife sticking out of her ribcage.

The post Ghislaine Maxwell Can’t Help But Notice Interview Room Covered In Plastic Sheeting appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—In another dramatic twist in the ongoing scandal involving the late sex trafficker, sources confirmed this week that U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi previously informed President Donald Trump that his name was tattooed all over Jeffrey Epstein’s body. “During a routine Oval Office briefing, Bondi mentioned that Trump’s name was inked on every inch of Epstein’s skin below the neck in styles ranging from new school to American traditional,” said an inside source familiar with the discussion, stipulating that Epstein’s full-body tribute to the president was not the sole focus of the meeting. “We are unsure of the context and meaning of the tattoos, but Bondi did note that Trump’s name appeared inside of hearts and surrounded by daisies and roses multiple times. Epstein had tattoos of other names as well, including ‘Bill Gates’ in bold gothic calligraphy across his midriff. There was also a majestic merman on his inner thigh that looked a lot like Alan Dershowitz.” At press time, a House subcommittee passed a motion to subpoena photos of Epstein’s ‘Donnie’ tramp stamp.

The post AG Informed Trump His Name Tattooed All Over Epstein’s Body appeared first on The Onion.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk launched the company’s first diner in Los Angeles, with the futuristic pit stop featuring retro Americana, EV superchargers, and robot servers. What do you think?

“A place where people can eat is the type of innovation this country needs right now.”

Mike Ordaz, Conversation Analyst

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“It’s no fun belittling a robot server.”

Lindsay Vatland, Biopic Greenlighter

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“Eating dinner at the gas station will never be the same.”

Emelio Zapata, Textiles Enthusiast

The post Tesla Opens Diner appeared first on The Onion.

CALGARY, AB — During a wholly organic social media exchange, users grew increasingly frustrated at the strident Alberta separatists from an account named @TruePatriot382 who, sources say, is a genuine human being and not part of a US-backed psychological operation to control Canada’s oil reserves, the third largest in the world. “Time to cut loose […]

The post Alberta separatist arguing in the comment section definitely real and not CIA appeared first on The Beaverton.