Cowboy Who?

#Kento #RoninWarriors

Looks a lot like Saskatchewan, doesn't it? Except it isn't. You know how you can tell? First of all, it's December, and there's no snow! #CowboyWho

Well ... you know ... they don't need to use real cars. They could just get little models, put the camera up close.
What are ya talking about Cowboy Slim?
The cop show those kids are talking about.
We don't want them to do a cop show, do we? We want them to have fun right here at the corral.
#CowboyWho

Well, that was a mistake that lasted six years.

Do you bees have meat on your hands?

Should we be alarmed that the horses are wearing Crocs on their heads?

DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Colorado stated that they could seduce a bear if their life depended on it. “Nearly 70% of male respondents claimed that if they encountered an aggressive grizzly in the wild and push came to shove, they would be able to win the affection of the charging animal with nothing but their raw sex appeal,” said lead author Peter Wilmore, explaining that most study participants aged 18 to 65 admitted that it might not seem like they could slip into thigh-high stockings, throw on some cherry red lipstick, and charm the pants off of a North American brown bear, but they were nonetheless convinced that if it was absolutely necessary, they would be able to lure one of the large mammals into their embrace. “Despite any previous indication that they had any game whatsoever, these men insisted that a surge of adrenaline and a flash of their ‘just-fuck-me’ eyes would be all they would need to entice an enraged mother bear protecting her young to sleep with them.” Wilmore warned men to seek the help of park rangers when attempting to get a bear to come home with them and make love all night long.

The post Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It appeared first on The Onion.

The U.S. Senate unanimously approved a resolution to withhold their own paychecks in the event of a government shutdown, although they would still receive backpay after the future shutdowns end. What do you think?

“This is why it’s more stable to be a senator in the private sector.”

Grant Haverty, Raisin Dehydrator

---

“Now let’s see what we can do about the fact that they get paid the rest of the time.”

Mick Deibert, Graffiti Remover

---

“They can always spend the break legislating overseas.”

Jocelyn Fu, Church Custodian

The post Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay During Government Shutdowns appeared first on The Onion.

EDMONTON – Stay Free Alberta, the group behind the 300,000 person effort for Alberta Independence, have vowed to legally appeal a judge’s ruling striking down the validity of their petition, just as soon the American State Department directs them how. While Justice Shaina Leonard ruled that the provincial government failed to meet its constitutional duty […]

The post Alberta separatists vow to appeal petition denial as soon as US State Department tells them how appeared first on The Beaverton.

A rare appearance for Shelley’s dad and Peggy, her daughter. And Paul Scoville. Actually, Paul Scoville appearances haven’t been all that rare, recently, have they?

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that “Buy Canadian” policies now means Canadians can now support the country’s economy by purchasing local public assets like ports, airports, and crown lands. “When we tell people to ‘Buy Canadian,’ we mean all of it,” Carney told reporters while nailing down a ‘FOR SALE’ sign on […]

The post Carney clarifies “Buy Canadian” also means public assets appeared first on The Beaverton.

After months sequestered in the Pagoda of Masculinity, which is beneath my parents’ house but is fair to consider my basement, I have emerged a new man. Through my relentless commitment to living the ascetic lifestyle of a monk who is allowed to play video games, I, the Angulord, have at long last fully maxximized my looks.

There is no length I have not gone to for the sake of cultivating my flawless aesthetic. I have smashed my jaw with a hammer to increase its definition. I have injected testosterone to enhance the capacity of my muscles. My abs are as firm as freshly quarried gravel thanks to peptides (which I take subcutaneously) and riptides (which I allow to carry me out to sea during thunderstorms, forcing me to swim ashore or die). So far, I’ve only been declared legally dead twice, and just for five or six minutes each time. My doctor says that the oxygen deficit has left me with the cognitive capacity of a police horse on the verge of retirement. I told him to suck my sharp dick.

Oh, I should have mentioned: I have cryogenically frozen my penis and filed it down to a fleshy icicle to replace any feminine roundness on my body with a masculine point. Also, my doctor is a woman, but I use he and him pronouns as a sign of respect.

The penis-freezing is just the tip of the iceberg, both figuratively and literally. For the past nine years, I have devoted my waking hours to the task of becoming more handsome, and due to my nightly infusions of owl blood, many of my sleeping hours as well. My unyielding pursuit of perfection has allowed me to achieve the striking visage of a tertiary character on the Vanderpump Rules reboot. At long last, I am a stone-cold seven, the kind of guy who could win a Jacob Elordi lookalike contest in a farm town with a population of two hundred.

How have I accomplished this? For starters, I spend sixteen hours a day live-streaming my gym routine while simultaneously giving betting advice on overseas cockfights and state-sanctioned executions. My stamina is made possible by a battery of prescription and designer drugs that would make the doctor who killed Michael Jackson black out from jealousy. A billionaire, who describes himself as “apolitical” despite earning his fortune by creating an AI application that automatically deletes Black people’s résumés from hiring databases, finances my lifestyle. And yes, I have been banned from YouTube for calling for Janet Yellen to be imprisoned for earning a degree in economics while female. But I have a new platform on the free speech purist app CHODE (Connecting Heterodox Orators… Dudes, Exclusively.)

Has this immense effort made me appealing to women? Absolutely not. But that’s fine with me. I already have one mommy, and she’s a bitch. I do occasionally have sex, an act that I consider yucky. It also takes valuable time away from my regimen of doing crunches while improving my mind by listening to recordings of Theo Von guessing how science works. It’s honestly better than school. I dropped out of eleventh grade after my civics teacher wokely suggested that the holocaust happened.

So, yes, I bone. I smush. I push my man-stalactite into the world’s driest caves. Of course, I don’t care whether women enjoy intercourse. In fact, bringing a woman to sexual climax is gay to me, actually. Why are you, as a man, engaging in lesbian behavior? And I should note: Sex is not pleasurable for me either. On account of my extensive battery of implants and injectables, my sperm are so full of microplastics that each one is the size of a marble. Every time I reach orgasm, it’s like an agonizing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Still, my unstoppable #grindset has earned me the adulation of thousands of men who are only allowed to see their children with third-party supervision present, as well as those guys’ teenage sons who hate them. I have also been the subject of fawning profiles in all seven remaining print publications, each of which has ignored that my whole deal is basically medieval eugenics wrapped in an eating disorder and peppered with substance abuse and misogyny.

Speaking of which, my primary care physician, Dr. Yesenia Cordova, who I’d better not find out is Latina, says I have mere hours to live. Apparently, eating a fistful of iguana tranquilizers for breakfast every morning has turned me cold-blooded, and I am no longer appropriately adapted for life on the Earth’s surface.

I have alienated everyone from my past because with all the focus on my looks, I never spent any time personalitymaxxing. So while I am on my deathbed, I am joined only by several of my worst-smelling Patreon subscribers, who have been taking selfies with me for clout since they arrived. Death cannot come soon enough, mostly because I’m excited to finally meet Charlie Kirk and achieve alpha status in the afterlife by telling him how sad his wife isn’t.

I bid you all a stoic farewell from the Angulord. But thanks to all the microplastics, at least I am leaving a maxximally beautiful corpse.

A 59,000-year-old neanderthal tooth unearthed from a cave in modern-day Russia revealed the earliest known evidence of dentistry, with it appearing as though someone drilled out a cavity. What do you think?

“I didn’t know hunting and gathering gigs included dental.”

Abel Stein, Peanut Sheller

---

“So that’s who dentists evolved from.”

Mitchell Laraway, Beard Stylist

---

“We should have guessed they had cavities from their gummy bear paintings.”

Imani Carpenter, Sidewalk Salter

The post Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry appeared first on The Onion.

Windows XP SP 2 introduced Data Execution Prevention (DEP), which takes advantage of a then-new feature of x86-class processors that allowed you to deny execution from data pages. The new feature was Physical Address Extensions (PAE) which also allowed those 32-bit processors to access physical RAM above the 4 GB boundary. Although you could turn on Data Execution Prevention on all systems, only server products would use the memory above 4 GB.

A reader asked, “What was the real reason client editions were prevented from using more than 4 GB of RAM?”

The use of the word “real” in the question implies that the reader believed that the official reason was a lie, and there was some nefarious evil reason for the limitation. It’s unclear what this nefarious reason would be. Maybe the reader thought the “real” reason was “To force users to buy copies of Windows Server, which is far more lucrative”, though that doesn’t make sense. The cheapest version of Windows Server 2003 32-bit edition that supported more than 4 GB of RAM was Enterprise Edition, which sold for $3,999.¹ This is an outrageous price for a consumer operating system.

The reason why consumer products don’t use RAM above 4 GB is explained in the documentation that accompanied the introduction of the feature under “Driver issues”.

Typically, device drivers must be modified in a number of small ways. Although the actual code changes may be small, they can be difficult. This is because when not using PAE memory addressing, it is possible for a device driver to assume that physical addresses and 32-bit virtual address limits are identical. PAE memory makes this assumption untrue.

…

[M]any device drivers designed for these systems may not have been tested on system configurations with PAE enabled. In order to limit the impact to device driver compatibility, changes to the hardware abstraction layer (HAL) were made to Windows XP SP2 and Windows Server 2003 SP1 Standard Edition to limit physical address space to 4 GB.

As explained above, memory above 4 GB was not enabled for compatibility reasons. Many drivers inadvertently assume that all physical address fit in 32 bits. (DMA drivers for example.) Those drivers would corrupt memory if memory above 4 GB were made available.

Memory above 4 GB is enabled on server because if you are a server administrator, you don’t install random drivers for that hand-held scanner you bought at Best Buy from the bargain bin for $10. Server administrators typically run only the plain vanilla drivers that come with Windows. (They don’t even install manufacturer video drivers.) All the drivers that come with Windows have been tested for addresses above 4 GB. That 2001 driver for the $10 handheld scanner has not, and there’s a good chance that it will truncate addresses above 4 GB and corrupt memory as a result.

The consumer market and the server market are very different in terms of usage pattern. Consumers will install practically anything. Server administrators install as little as possible. Consumers have no technical expertise. Server administrators have access to highly-skilled staff.

Of course, this is all now a historical oddity. Systems with only 4 GB of RAM are vanishingly rare, and Windows began discouraging the production of systems using 32-bit processors in 2020, finally ending the production of 32-bit editions entirely with Windows 11.

¹ The only other version that supported more than 4 GB of RAM was Datacenter Edition, and on the pricing sheet I found, they didn’t even bother listing the price. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

The post Why do Windows client editions on 32-bit x86 systems artificially limit RAM to 4 GB? appeared first on The Old New Thing.

The Rio Grande Valley occupies the southernmost region of Texas. Similarly, its public institutions have developed resources that address needs across a distributed population. In McAllen, both the public library system and South Texas College have invested in facilities and equipment that merit attention from artists and makers throughout the area. Like the library systems documented in the Texas Panhandle and Central Texas regions, McAllen’s institutions prioritize equitable access to tools and technologies that would otherwise require significant individual investment. The Valley presents a distinct geographic challenge: artists working in McAllen, Harlingen, Brownsville, and the communities between them operate across a dispersed region where institutional resources function as regional anchors. These facilities serve not only their immediate cities but support the broader creative infrastructure of the Valley.

McAllen Public Library, Central Branch

600 West Main Street, McAllen, Texas, 78501

The McAllen Public Library’s Central branch was converted from a former Walmart structure into a library facility exceeding 120,000 square feet. While not the largest library in the United States, the scale places it among the nation’s most substantial public library facilities, comparable in footprint to other major Texas library projects like the Frisco Public Library. The scale of the building presents enormous opportunity; the library has made use of the space to provide generously proportioned sections in a diversity of disciplines.

The children’s section is notably expansive, featuring collections of junior graphic novels alongside traditional fiction and nonfiction materials. A dedicated teen space requires reservations and includes seating adjacent to curated selections of young adult literature addressing both fiction and nonfiction interests of adolescent readers.

There is a cafe inside the facility at the main entryway but outside of the main floor, a feature that enables extended use by patrons engaged in research or project work. Study rooms are available, and the building’s open floorplan accommodates efficient wayfinding across its substantial footprint. A Texas section houses historical and regional materials, including multiple copies of titles addressing local geography, natural history, and regional documentation.

The library’s materials collections prioritize Spanish-language holdings, reflecting the demographic composition of the region. This intentional curatorial approach addresses the actual population served rather than imposing collections from outside the regional context.

The MPLab at the Central branch provides access to three-dimensional printing technology. The service operates as a staff-managed process: patrons submit digital files to library staff, who handle file preparation and cost estimation based on material usage. Prints are executed after patron approval of the estimated cost. The printer functions as a production tool rather than a public-access device; patrons remain responsible for generating or sourcing designs, while staff provides technical assistance with color selection and modifications. This model contrasts with facilities offering open-access printing, but provides resource availability that would otherwise require significant investment from individuals seeking such printing services.

The computer lab provides general workstations equipped for research and document preparation. 

Lark Branch Library

2601 Lark Avenue McAllen, Texas, 78504

The Lark Branch operates as both a community library and recreation center, integrated into the city’s parks system. The facility features terrazzo flooring and houses a basketball court available for gym rental at resident rates of $20 per hour or $35 for two hours.

The library maintains standard fiction and nonfiction collections, a children’s section with junior graphic novels, and computer stations. A Texas section holds materials on regional history, natural history, and regional documentation, including works on Texas trees and wildflowers relevant to artists depicting natural landscapes. A dedicated teen space requires reservations and includes seating adjacent to the graphic novels and comics section, with curated young adult literature addressing both fiction and nonfiction interests. For visitors seeking a more streamlined experience, or physical activation as a part of their library experience, the Lark Branch may offer a more expedited experience. This branch is about a seven minute drive north of the Central library. Using North 23rd Street, visitors may easily navigate between either location by car.

The branch offers other community programming, including book clubs and tabletop gaming clubs.

South Texas College, Pecan Campus Makerspace

3201 West Pecan Boulevard, McAllen, Texas, 78501

South Texas College operates a makerspace facility currently restricted to enrolled students, faculty, and staff. The college has indicated plans to expand public access through its “learning commons and open lab” program. A timeline for public access expansion has not been formalized, though makerspace staff suggest that public use may be available within a year’s time.

The makerspace equipment inventory includes PRUSA PLA printers, resin printing systems, and ABS/QRS printers (including a Stratasys machine designated for specific departmental use). A ShopBot desktop MAX ATC CNC router was recently acquired, with training workshops scheduled for users. A laser engraver will also be available for use upon installation. The facility does not charge students for three-dimensional printing, though usage is subject to frequency and volume caps.

Equipment access requires either on-site or online training certification. Makerspace technicians oversee equipment operation and maintenance, with the expectation that users develop basic proficiency through structured training.

An “ideation space” provides tables for collaborative work, large-format monitors, and an oversized interactive touch-screen display for presentations and brainstorming activities. A recording studio accommodates podcast production, music recording, and basic audio editing, with plans for a dedicated soundproof recording enclosure.

An extended reality section includes VR headsets, employed primarily by architecture and healthcare programs for spatial visualization and clinical simulation. The general computer lab serves students across disciplines, with infrastructure oriented toward both general use and makerspace-specific applications.

The college has partnered with its cosmetology department to support student design of salon plans through three-dimensional modeling and fabrication. The summer youth camp program provides workshops to middle and high school students in collaboration with regional educational organizations.

The post Artist Resources at Texas Public Libraries: McAllen  appeared first on Glasstire.

That’s one O!

#Ryo #RoninWarriors

Well now ... what do ya think about that? #CowboyWho

You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.”

Dearest Neurobaddies of the Finest Order,

I did a thing. No, not procuring a pint of Graeter’s ice cream before 9 a.m., though who am I to discount the diminutive glory of my former days? Just because I write to you from the summit of Midlife Desire and Acquisition, doesn’t mean I’m untouchable. It just means I trusted myself and didn’t ruin everything. In fact, I kind of nailed it. Did I question myself 13,000 times first? Think of every reason I should abandon the want lighting up my heart like a 1980s Glo Worm? Yes and yes. And then I proceeded to do the thing anyway. So pull up your stretchy pants and lift ye old breasts back into the cups of your threadbare brassieres, ladies. It’s story time.

On Monday, May 4, 2026, I flew to Austin to see Raye in concert with her sisters Amma and Absolutely. You KNOW how much I love sisters. But do you know how much I hate being away from home? Much. I hate it muchly, same with flying.

Raye and her sisters on stage in Austin.

I’d bought tickets, last-minute, on Sunday. Packed my colorful self-identified autistic Cotopaxi backpack with books I wouldn’t read that could fix my life and a bag of sour candies to properly spike and plunge me into a cold hypoglycemic state. Quick joke: What do you call a state that’s not being gutted by Republicans? Answer: Let’s hope there’s still time to find out.

I had to leave my two teenagers behind, even though I knew they were as obsessed with Raye’s sophomore album, This Music May Contain Hope, as I was. My son keeps the vinyl spinning and was the first to memorize the impossibly quick lyrics to “Click Clack Symphony,” the lovechild of Raye and Hans Zimmer. My daughter practices the runs and riffs, commands Alexa to play “I Will Overcome.” We blast “The WhatsApp Shakespeare” in the car and stare maniacally at my youngest, Juliet, willing her to crack a smile at the words, “Juliet must run / Juliet must vanish.” We’ve formed a small but steadily neurodivergent cult, and we are asking for a certain British singer to lead us home. Did my son write an entire article, “Why Raye’s Newest Album is the Ultimate AuDHD Album,” in Google Docs? Sure did. Complete with The Devil Wears Prada references.

A bit of context, baddies: I am forty-three years old. Some days I feel twenty-five; other days, I understand my ovaries have been replaced by two candy cigarettes, puffing chalk into the dark alleys of my abdomen.

So I read Miranda July’s All Fours when it came out. Did I relate to the woman, the motel, the living of a second life within or along the perimeter of your first? Not exactly. I come from purity culture, babes. I’m loyal as they come, terrible at lying, and just learned “raw dogging” isn’t only about bros flying without iPhones. Let’s be honest: I can barely sleep, let alone get buck neck-ed, in any hotel, motel, or Holiday Inn, because I’m terrified of germs. But I sensed I was supposed to relate to something in that book. Which is literally the definition of autism. My whole life is “Oh, you’re supposed to do it that way? Wear those jeans? Negotiate your salary? Have emotions at the time of the emotional event? Who explained this to you?”

But hats off to Miranda July, because even if I can’t write a sex scene without plagiarizing the Song of Solomon, I did feel a shift in my late thirties. As though my brain unlocked another backroom full of questions and accouterments related to How Things Work, and once your brain opens that door, dear reader, there’s zero point in shutting it. You have to look around. Even if opening the boxes and pulling books off the shelves (my back room is a library, of course) unleashes exhausting rumination or contributes to burnout. You can slam the door, take some time off, go drink a daiquiri on the beach, but you’ll come back. Midlife is in that room. I found autism and ADHD boxes in mine; a box of oil pastels and paint markers stuffed into a tin labeled DELIGHT; and I’m just starting to examine this thing in the corner, a complex and vintage contraption labeled WANT. We are born with it, all of us. So what happened to mine?

Can I tell you the first thing I tried to do with a piece of my want? After I acknowledged my desire to see Raye, with ridiculous flight costs, during the school week, when I would have to lean on my spouse and community to fill in, I tried to build a container for my want. I put it away in big Rubbermaid containers, marked as DUMB, IMPOSSIBLE, SELFISH, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, WE CAN’T AFFORD THIS.

It kept bursting out from under the lid, like Strega Nona’s noodles. But I’m a modern, therapized woman. I have workarounds and cognitive flexibility and meds for situations like this.

I leaned harder into “shoulds” and shame. I reminded my heart that stay-at-home moms who are adjunct professors and freelance writers who do deep dives into human behavior when other parents are making money, don’t get to take last-minute trips if someone’s not dying. When shame left me hungry, even if dejected, I tried to put the want on a shelf marked MOTHER’S DAY. If I could just do a two-factor verification of why I deserved this trip, maybe I could go without guilt. My want proved too big for the particle board shelf. Too heavy. Too living for the stuff men created to seem real.

I have spent many hours, many days, years, then, convincing myself my wants must align with certain rules or the passionate desires of others. I’ve told myself that what I want is impossible. Or that I can only want and choose a thing when my back’s against the wall. A 9-1-1 desire, like the old Kmart blue-light special. There are three billion reasons why I do this, and my therapist and I have only uncovered fifteen, so I hope she’s ready to push up her Quince sweater sleeves and get to work for another decade. The reasons why matter. But right now, they don’t matter as much as trusting that sometimes I do know what I want. And I’m not talking about ice cream or soft tees or a pair of clearance Nikes.

I can want something big and bright for myself. Something that isn’t required or “for a job” or “for a kid” or “for the family,” and that is okay. Good, even.

Taylor (left) with friends at Raye concert.

If you see me out and about (good luck) in my first-ever oversized concert tee, let it remind you that aging autistic baddies, lovers of lattes and libraries, creatures of habit and predictable highs, are allowed to want things that cost or take up space or hinge on the assistance of others. There’s a good chance what we desire will be gorgeous and complex, dripping with depth. A Raye concert in an outdoor amphitheater on a mildly breezy night in Austin? She and her sisters singing “Joy” like three little girls dancing in their backyard, unaware or uncaring that hundreds or even thousands are looking on? Yes, please. But if it’s not as glorious as a night with a dream artist and her no-skips sophomore album, at least we will have trusted ourselves enough to choose our want and call it good.

The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media. 

Contact your senator with thoughts on the Downton Abbey finale.

While grocery shopping, text Morning Edition to see if they need anything.

If you know the identity of a famed serial killer, consider giving the scoop to your local NPR member station.

Sign a petition that, who knows, might be the first one that matters.

Volunteer at your neighborhood’s local nasally voiced pedant shelter.

Get high and watch the Mac Miller Tiny Desk Concert again.

If you see a person wearing weird glasses in public, thank them for their work at NPR.

Don’t ignore the hand reaching out of Big Bird’s mouth and rattling a cup of loose change.

Be sure to say “What the fuck?” when it disappears.

The post Tips For Supporting Public Media appeared first on The Onion.

HENDERSON, NV—Solemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a local restaurant Tuesday was reportedly under an entirely different impression as to which of the world’s horrific news stories they were discussing.

According to sources, the four friends emphatically concurred that everything was really bleak these days and that something urgently needed to be done, despite the fact that each visualized completely separate problems and potential solutions to those problems. Reports indicated that while the friends did not actually discuss the same topic even once, they vigorously agreed that they’d never seen it this bad. 

“I’m just so goddamn fed up with all this,” Gina Small, 29, said in a comment on the U.S. economy that one of her friends assumed was about the world’s ongoing humanitarian crises, another friend thought was about the weaponization of America’s military against its own people, and a third believed was about the sickness and death caused by the devaluing of medical science. “I honestly don’t know what we can do about it, but something’s gotta change.”

“And not tomorrow, but today,” added Small, her friends murmuring in assent as if their individual concerns were what was weighing heavily upon the entire group. “Soon it’ll be too late, if it isn’t already.”

The conversation is said to have progressed with each member of the group privately contemplating a totally different appalling situation while saying they were increasingly ashamed to be an American. Through their completely independent considerations of extrajudicial killings in international waters, the misery and starvation brought about by slashing foreign aid, the peril of isolation after abandoning crucial longstanding alliances, and the danger to global democracy posed by the coddling of fascist strongmen, the four friends separately came to the conclusion that they no longer even recognized this country.

“I have no idea what’s going to become of our personal freedoms,” said Kevin Aguilar, 30, whose statement referred to crackdowns on nonviolent protest but was interpreted by the others as addressing either threats to safe and legal abortion, the government-ordered censorship of college curricula, or the abuse of the justice system to target perceived ideological enemies. “And where are we without those? I just don’t know.”

Sources reported that Aguilar—the only one of the four friends reflecting on the potential of AI fakery to sow mistrust rather than the tendency of traditional media to champion artificial balance over truth, the alarming mainstreaming of once-fringe conspiracy theories, or the corrosive effect of social media silos on a shared understanding of reality—then wondered aloud if, in fact, it was even possible to know anything at all anymore.

For four very different reasons, the group then enthusiastically agreed that this shit was getting scary.

Later on, and without in any way referencing how gerrymandered states dilute the influence of individual voters, how powerful monied interests self-servingly manipulate government policy, or how voter suppression tactics compromise free and fair elections, Paul Krueger, 33, reportedly said, “But what the hell are we supposed to do when regular people have no voice in how things are run?” Sources later confirmed that Krueger had actually been thinking of how the antiquated Electoral College all but eliminated a majority of Americans from the presidential voting process, and that he had mistakenly believed his friends were thinking likewise.

Reports indicated that the closest the four friends came to aligning in their discussion was at the very end, when Aimee Levin, 28, said there was still a reason for hope despite everything going on, and the other three all privately thought she was fucking nuts. 

The post Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed appeared first on The Onion.

The post What’s Our Health Insurance Denying? appeared first on The Onion.

Aaron Petrov, 75, died suddenly Saturday at a very confusing murder mystery party.

The post Aaron Petrov appeared first on The Onion.

“The United States Army has officially raised its enlistment age limit to 42.” — New York Times

Arrival

Once you step off the bus, basic training has begun. Recruits carrying ergonomic rolling luggage will be immediately singled out for punishment. Next, your bags will be inspected for contraband. Any attempts to smuggle in heating pads, lumbar-support braces, or Lactaid pills will cause your drill sergeant to go ballistic. Full-fat dairy is a big part of the warrior ethos.

Red Phase
(Weeks 1-3)

The goal of the Red Phase is to begin your transformation from soft, middle-aged weakling into an unstoppable, silver-fox warrior. During these first three weeks, you’ll get a thorough introduction to the following:

• US Army’s core values, traditions, and ethics
• Protein binging
• Exercise purging
• Combat 101: fighting hand-to-hand soldiers, guerrilla insurgents, and hypertension
• Crowd-dispersion
• Sodium-reduction
• Identifying, ignoring, and over-medicating chronic knee pain
• Tactical sudoku
• Nuclear-biological-chemical chamber analysis (also known as a “colonoscopy”)
• The RFK Jr. mid-life challenge: One hundred push-ups. Fifty pull-ups. Spray-tanned and in jeans.

Obviously, this is an intense training schedule, geared toward building physical endurance. You’ll move up once you’re able to kick a training dummy without shattering your ankle, or complete two days without complaining about sleeping on your neck funny.

White Phase
(Weeks 4–5)

The White Phase focuses on strong-arming your aging body into submission, with special emphasis on weapons training. You’ll learn how to identify, target, and engage targets with a rifle. You will also lose what’s left of your hearing. Here’s a rundown of what we’ll cover:

• Basic rifle marksmanship (BRM)—engaging distant targets
• Basic blurry marksmanship (BBM)—engaging distant targets without glasses
• Zeroing a rifle
• Zeroing your percentage of body fat
• Acquiring a midlife eating disorder
• Surprise barracks inspection
• Surprise bowel obstruction
• Dissociating through a complete physical breakdown
• Mainlining hypertrophic vitamin infusions
• Yogurt

Soon, you’ll start to get the hang of military midlife. You may even think your drill sergeant is noticing how, after you cough, you’re peeing your pants a little less. You’re developing all the essential soldier skills, which you’ll put together in the next phase.

Blue Phase
(Weeks 6–9)

It’s time to dig deep. This final phase is the most important part of your training. It will either render you a broken bag of bone fragments or turn you into a jacked, over-forty fighting machine. These three weeks are spent on the following:

• Undergoing testosterone replacement therapy as part of a team
• Engaging in ten-to-fifteen tactical supplements, including Swolverine peptide stacks, ’roids, pumpers, gym candy, and Peter Thiel–inspired blood infusions from a young alpha stud
• Saying goodbye to your former life
• Final physical inspection before the Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT)
• Final brain MRI before the APFT
• Completing the APFT, effectively grafting your frail, disintegrating human body onto a titanium aluminide insect-exoskeleton engineered by SpaceX. This process is permanent. You must pass the APFT to graduate.

Army Basic Training Graduation
(Week 10)

You’ll receive one day off with your family to catch up on your recent experiences. Thanks to your new seven-foot-tall mechanical praying-mantis cyborg body, you’ll have plenty to discuss.

Congratulations. You’re now ready for your first military assignment:

Administrative Support

Obviously, we’re placing you on full-time desk duty. What did you think would happen? You’re middle-aged.

In brief: After the hottest day of 2026 in Houston, we expect a quiet, less hot but more humid weekend. Rain chances then pick up next week with potentially locally heavy rainfall in spots by midweek.

Yesterday was our hottest day of the year in Houston, as we officially hit 91 degrees at Bush Airport. Lest anyone wonder if IAH is too overcooked, a CenterPoint sensor adjacent to the airport hit 90 degrees, so the answer is probably not. Hobby Airport also hit 91 degrees. That’s our 5th 90 degree day of the year. Early summer is here.

Today

We have a shot at pushing 91 again today, though I think we may come up just a tinge short. Dewpoints and thus humidity are a bit higher today.

We also have a few extra clouds streaming through the area today. Either way, we are quibbling. It should feel fairly similar today to yesterday.

Weekend

Saturday looks fine. Sunday could see an isolated shower but nothing that would significantly disrupt your plans. You will notice the breeze this weekend. Onshore winds around 15 to 20 mph with gusts as high as 30 mph are possible on both weekend days as more humid air continues to rush ashore. High temperatures will probably come up short of 90 degrees, with mostly upper-80s expected. Cloud cover will be noticeable on both days, along with breaks of sunshine.

Next week

Expect a more active weather week next week. A pretty substantial plume of moisture in the atmosphere is going to extend from Texas, across the western Gulf, and into Central America. Some of this moisture plume actually extends back into the eastern Pacific too. So, we will have plentiful moisture in place to support potentially heavy rainfall in spots.

The question we can’t answer this far out is where the triggering will end up. Will it be mainly in interior Texas? Louisiana? Here in Southeast Texas? We don’t know just yet, but there are plenty of signals in the modeling that 1 to 2 inches of rain or more will fall next week across the region. Isolated higher amounts would be almost guaranteed in this type of pattern. Bottom line: It’s too early to say exactly who will see the most rain next week, but there is an increasing chance that some parts of the area will receive locally heavy rainfall, especially next Tuesday or Wednesday. More to come on this.

The rain will hold back daytime temperatures a good bit, with highs mainly in the 80s but the moisture and clouds will hold lows in the mid to upper-70s. May the foggy glasses when you step out of the car commence.