Itâs five answers to five questions. Here we goâŠ
1. Do I need to be less long-winded?
How can I be less long-winded? Iâm a senior manager, so I have to talk frequently: laying out project goals and plans, providing directions to team members, clarifying roles, explaining my feedback or why I disagree with a recommendation, explaining a complex situation/problem we need to solve, etc.
I feel like when Iâm talking, I might be going on too long because people often interrupt me because they think Iâm done talking, but Iâm not. I often have a detail to add that I think is important because it adds nuance to what I just said, or it sums up the explanation I just gave. Earlier in my career, I felt like I was not talking or explaining enough, because I would say my piece and get blank stares back, or people would gloss over what I said, only to circle back later and realize that what I had said was spot on/helpful/important. Now I wonder if Iâve overcorrected in the other direction. Maybe Iâm over explaining, maybe people get the point the first time I make it, maybe I just drone on. Iâm not sure. How would I know? What can I do to be more concise and still get my point across?
It could be any of those possibilities, or it could be that you work around a bunch of fast talkers / fast processors who are jumping in too soon or it could be that youâre pausing longer than you realize (or otherwise giving off cues that youâre done) and so people donât realize that you werenât finished. The best way to figure out whatâs going on is to ask someone you trust to be honest and who has opportunities to see you in action! Tell them you want the unvarnished truth; you canât fix it without knowing exactly whatâs happening.
Itâs also possible that your points werenât given the same attention earlier in your career because you didnât have the standing that you have now (because of your current position) and that it had nothing to do with your communication style back then. So you could also experiment with assuming that you donât need to explain as much as youâve been doing and see what happens if you limit yourself to, say, two-thirds of how much youâd normally talk now. Do your points still seem to land or are people not following what youâre saying? That would be interesting data as you sort through this, too.
2. Coworker refuses to consider any candidate who opens their application with âDear Ms. ___â
Recently I met a man with a name that is often coded as female (think Ashley). He told me that it makes first round hiring easier, because he just automatically discards anyone who addresses their application âDear Ms. ___.â
While I take his point that it speaks to a lack of research and preparation from the candidate, this also seemed extreme to me. I have a name that is very feminine and even still I occasionally get addressed as Sir/Mr. in emails (I assume this is because the role of hiring manager is still coded as masculine for many). Itâs useful information, but I just make sure to include my pronouns in any replies.
It seemed to me a bit of a privileged stance to say, âOf course you should be able to address me correctly,â when women have to deal with this on a far greater level. Iâm sure women named Max would have a very small candidate pool if they discarded every applicant who misgendered them. Or am I overreacting and, gender aside, heâs right that candidates who donât check the genders of the hiring managers when applying deserve to not be interviewed?
Yeah, thatâs bad hiring. It sucks that we live in a world where people make incorrect assumptions about gender based on names, but thatâs what happens ⊠and I am really skeptical that he himself always successfully avoids misgendering people when their name is the only thing he knows about them.
It doesnât reveal a ton about those candidatesâ mindsets (as opposed to the way âdear sirsâ does reveal an assumption that in business, maleness is the default). It just reveals that they were taught to associate many names with gender and that Ashleys are usually women (and also that the person isnât a Gone With the Wind fan).
If he thinks they should be doing more research to determine heâs a man, Iâd be interested to know if heâs also automatically rejecting everyone who opens their letters with âdear hiring managerâ (I bet heâs not, nor should he be). If I managed him, Iâd be very concerned about his hiring processes if he was automatically rejecting good candidates over either of those things.
3. My employee leans on me for help with everything
I am struggling with an employee who, at best, has a confidence problem and, at worst, is letting herself off the hook on executing things because sheâs always waiting around for my feedback. This employee has a need to run EVERYthing by me, including emails sheâs drafted to individual people. She is very kind, but struggles to really complete tasks in general and this added layer of needing my approval on everything she does has become a real issue.
I have tried the kind way, trying to build her confidence by reassuring her that I trust her judgement (I do!) and that she is very intelligent and capable, but it has not helped and the issue seems to be getting worse. I am worried Iâm being too harsh, but I have my own very long list of tasks to complete, and having to constantly hold her hand has been completely draining to me and makes me not love my work in the way that I used to. I am rarely critical of her in any real meaningful way and do my best to really praise her work when it does occasionally get done, but at this point Iâm at a loss.
It sounds like the problem is that you havenât been clear enough with her. This shouldnât just be, âI trust your judgment so you donât need to run things by me.â It needs to be, âI need you to make decisions about things like XYZ on your own without waiting for my feedback.â The first version is too soft and leaves the door open for her to think that continuing to lean on you so much is still an option; the second version tells her clearly she needs to change what she is doing. If youâve already done that, then itâs time to escalate in seriousness to something more like, âMaking decisions independently on things like XYZ is a really important requirement of this position, and I need to see you doing that in order to keep you in the job.â
That isnât too harsh! Itâs actually kind to spell out what you need from someone who isnât picking up on it, and to tell her now, while thereâs still an opportunity for her to change what sheâs doing, rather than waiting until the issue has festered so long that the situation is unfixable.
Related:
how can I stop softening the message in tough conversations with my staff?
4. The yoga studio where I teach hasnât been paying me on time
Iâve been teaching yoga for about four years now and was hired for my first job at this small group training facility. I teach once a week and often sub for one of the two other instructors. I previously got paid monthly. I have a full-time job and this is my side gig. So, itâs money I use for things like gifts, or save up for vacations.
Over the last two years, my monthly payment stretched to being paid every two months. This past year, itâs stretched out to being paid every four or five months. Iâve asked the owners several times to leave a check for me for next week. Iâve also asked if there is an easier way for them to pay me, such as Venmo or direct deposit.
Iâm at the point now where Iâm owed for over 21 classes ($40 per class). Enrollment in the small training groups seems to have dropped as Iâm seeing new members less. People do join for the yoga-only package to come to the yoga classes. Whatâs the best way to ask to be paid and let them know I canât/shouldnât have to wait longer than two months for payment? Iâm at the point now where I want to say that I wonât teach until I get paid, but that isnât really my vibe.
Well, wait, saying that you wonât teach until you get paid should be your vibe! Thatâs a very reasonable and justifiable stance to take. If there are any wrong vibes here, itâs âwe hire you for your labor and then donât pay you when promised.â
Iâm guessing youâre worried about coming across as confrontational with people youâre on good terms with ⊠but where is their worry about coming across badly to you?
In any case, it doesnât need to be adversarial. You can simply say, âIâm currently owed for 21 classes and Iâve tried to extend as much grace as I can, but I really do need to be paid. Thereâs so much owed now that I canât teach any additional classes until we get this squared away, because I donât want the outstanding amount to grow larger. Can you let me know when I can pick up the check?â
But also: once youâre paid, consider whether you can safely continue teaching at this studio, because it sounds like the payment issues may continue. At a minimum, you could consider requesting that monthly payment be made before you teach for the following month ⊠because otherwise youâre risking that at some point payment will never arrive and youâll have been working for free.
5. Skipping a holiday party while grieving
I experienced the death of my child this year, and though I seem okay at work, Iâm struggling with my grief. My therapist and I have been working on preparing for the holidays, which can be a fraught time for grievers, and weâve agreed that I should minimize my participation in holiday events and parties.
How can I explain this to my boss? We all get the time out of the office to attend our daytime holiday party, so itâs not like I can say I need to stay at the office for staffing reasons. Am I just unexpectedly âsickâ on that day? I donât want to seem like a Scrooge or like Iâm not a team player, but I really do need to take a big step back from the holidays this year for my own mental health. What do you suggest?
Iâm so sorry! Any manager who is even a 10% decent person would understand if you explain that youâre not up to attending a party this year. I would say it this way: âItâs been such a hard year for me and my family that Iâm not in a place to attend a holiday party yet. I can remain at the office during the event or head home once everyone leaves for it, whichever you prefer.â
The post am I too long-winded, employee leans on me for help with everything, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
