Shared posts

11 Dec 18:30

Maryland becomes first state to adopt Open Law Library for its legal code | StateScoop

Maryland becomes first state to adopt Open Law Library for its legal code | StateScoop

Maryland becomes first state to adopt Open Law Library for its legal code | StateScoop https://share.google/Onfy5e4ArsbVGaxsY

Maryland becomes first state to adopt Open Law Library for its legal code | StateScoop

11 Dec 17:52

Our Corrupt Congress Just Quietly Killed Military Right To Repair Reforms

by Karl Bode

We’ve covered how there’s a real push afoot to implement statewide “right to repair” laws that try to make it cheaper, easier, and environmentally friendlier for you to repair the technology you own. Unfortunately, while all fifty states have at least flirted with the idea, only Massachusetts, New York, Minnesota, Colorado, California, and Oregon, and Washington have actually passed laws.

And among those states, not one has actually enforced them despite a wide array of ongoing corporate offenses (though to be fair to states there is kind of a lot going on).

This reform movement, which sees broad bipartisan support, had even started to reach toward the military, which is probably the poster child for over-billing, dysfunctional repair monopoly, “parts pairing,” and other predatory efforts to jack up the cost of maintenance and ownership.

Back in June we mentioned how Army Secretary Daniel Driscoll had committed to including right-to-repair requirements in all existing and future Army contracts with manufacturers. Some very light language to this effect was to be included in the latest National Defense Authorization Act by Democrat Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts and Republican Tim Sheehy of Montana.

Earlier this year, Driscoll offered up a useful example of why reform is important:

Driscoll recently pointed to a Black Hawk helicopter part to show how contractor restrictions drive up costs. The original equipment manufacturer refuses to repair or replace a small screen-control knob that grounds the aircraft when it breaks — forcing the Army to purchase an entire new screen assembly for $47,000. Driscoll said the Army could make the knob for just $15.”

Picture that problem, at scale, across the entirety of U.S. military hardware, planet wide.

But despite the bipartisan popularity of right to repair reforms, companies weren’t keen on losing money via a government crackdown on their grift. So the various policy and lobbying fronts for America’s defense contractors spent much of this fall trying to frame the modest reforms as an affront on innovation to scuttle the reforms as the House and Senate debate over bill versions.

And guess what, they succeeded:

“The House’s Data-as-a-Service Solutions for Weapon System Contracts provision, which would have required DoD to negotiate access to technical data and necessary software before signing a contract, was removed from the final text of the annual legislation released over the weekend. The Senate’s provision requiring contractors to provide the military with detailed repair and maintenance instructions was dropped from the bill as well.

Instead, the legislation requires the Defense Department to develop a digital system that would track and manage all technical data and verify whether contractors and subcontractors comply with contract requirements related to technical data. The compromise version of the bill also requires DoD to review all existing contracts to determine what contractors were required to deliver and what data DoD can access.”

That’s basically worthless bureaucracy as it applies to any sort of meaningful right to repair reforms.

Again, these reforms were about as basic as they get. Still, they would have likely opened the door to taxpayers saving billions of dollars annually when it comes to paying too much for the repair and maintenance of U.S. military equipment. It was a no brainer reform, but because the United States is genuinely too corrupt to function, even that was ultimately a bridge too far.

To add insult to injury, we’ve got fake Trump populists and Silicon Valley execs like Elon Musk running around pretending they care about efficiency. But in instances like this, where there’s real potential to improve government efficiency, you’ll notice they’re nowhere to be found because the reforms would interfere with their ability to rip off the public.

11 Dec 17:47

Hey, could I get some SERVICE in here?

Hey, could I get some SERVICE in here?

11 Dec 17:46

Chapter 101: Page 5

No need.
11 Dec 17:33

Torrential rain triggers floods, mudslides and evacuations in Washington state

by Cedar Attanasio, Associated Press
Washington state was under a state of emergency Thursday from a barrage of torrential rain that has sent rivers flowing over their banks, caused a mudslide to crash down on a highway and trapped people in floodwaters. Tens of thousands of residents could face evacuation orders.
11 Dec 17:25

The Data Center Boom Could Trigger Blackouts

by Veronica Riccobene

The country’s largest electrical grid operator, PJM Interconnection, plans to power new data centers that it knows it doesn’t have the capacity for — prompting an energy watchdog to warn of heightened blackout risks.


PJM Interconnection has seen windfall profits from shouldering energy-draining data centers, at a multibillion-dollar cost to consumers. (Noah Berger / Getty Images via Amazon Web Services)

The independent watchdog for the country’s largest power grid operator has issued a “regulatory grenade” asking the federal government to intervene amid PJM Interconnection’s plans to power data centers it knows it doesn’t have the capacity for — despite acknowledging the heightened risk of blackouts. This comes as PJM has seen windfall profits from shouldering energy-draining data centers, at a multibillion-dollar cost to consumers.

Last week, the monitor overseeing PJM filed a complaint with the nation’s top electric utility regulator, warning of unreliable service for its sixty-five million customers across the Midwest and mid-Atlantic. Monitoring Analytics asked the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission to pause connecting larger artificial intelligence–powering data centers to its grid until PJM can ensure “reliable, economic, and environmentally acceptable” service and guarantee that the growing data center energy burden won’t produce unnecessary blackouts.

“The logic is simple. The question is clear,” the complaint reads. “If PJM has an obligation to provide reliable service . . . is it just and reasonable for PJM to add new loads that it cannot serve reliably? The answer to that question is no.”

In internal policy proposals that PJM submitted to stakeholders earlier this year, the operator forecasted that “supply may be insufficient to meet the expected demand” created by large-load consumers (read: data centers), and that load curtailments (read: blackouts) may be necessary in an emergency.

Under these rejected plans, PJM had sought new guidelines that would cut power delivery to data centers first in the event of shortages before subjecting other consumers — including, in some cases, utilities — to “rolling blackouts.”

recent report from the North American Electric Reliability Corporation found that data center–driven growth in electricity demand is expected to more than double this winter, adding to the risk of cold-weather blackouts, particularly in data center hot spots — like Virginia, which is serviced by PJM.

This comes after US electricity consumers experienced double the amount of blackout time in 2024 than they averaged across the previous decade, with natural disasters causing 80 percent of hours without electricity.

Last month, PJM stakeholders — a potpourri of vested figures including power plant and transmission owners, retail electricity providers, consumers, advocates, governors, and state utilities regulators — rejected every proposal considered on handling the operator’s worsening supply issues amid hundreds of new data center developments plugging into its grid.

According to a June report from Monitoring Analytics, data center load growth is the “primary reason” for precarious electricity capacity conditions, including the higher prices that consumers are seeing.

Meanwhile, according to the new complaint, data center load alone increased PJM’s annual energy-commitment auction revenues by more than $7.2 billion, or 82 percent, over last year. Across seven of the thirteen states where PJM operates, consumers paid $4.4 billion in 2024 just to fund transmission upgrades necessary to accommodate data centers.


This article was first published by the Lever, an award-winning independent investigative newsroom.

11 Dec 17:25

Emirati CEO Asked Jeffrey Epstein for Elon Musk Connection

by Freddy Brewster

Two years before hosting a meeting with Elon Musk in Dubai, Emirati logistics CEO Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem asked Jeffrey Epstein to connect him with the Tesla head, newly released emails show. It’s not the only time Musk has come up in the Epstein files.


In 2014, Elon Musk and Ghislaine Maxwell, Jeffrey Epstein’s former girlfriend and coconspirator, were photographed together during a Vanity Fair Oscar party. (Graydon Carter / Getty Images)

In 2015, an Emirati businessman emailed Jeffrey Epstein asking the financier to put him in touch with Elon Musk, according to leaked emails reviewed by the Lever.   

According to the records, Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem, CEO of Middle East logistics giant DP World and one of President Donald Trump’s early Middle Eastern business partners, wanted to chat with Musk about using Tesla batteries at a hotel Sulayem was building in Dubai. Musk, among the world’s richest people, would go on to serve in Trump’s second administration.

“Can you put me in touch with Elon [M]usk or ask him to refer me to someone at his company so we can discuss,” Sulayem wrote Epstein on May 29, 2015, years after Epstein had been convicted of soliciting a minor.

A screen capture of Sultan Ahmed bin Sulayem’s alleged 2015 email to Jeffrey Epstein. (Distributed Denial of Secrets)

Following years of criminal proceedings and news investigations, federal agents arrested Epstein for sex trafficking in July 2019. The following month, Epstein, known for fraternizing with many of the world’s most rich and powerful, was found dead in his federal jail cell.

Partial releases and leaks of federal investigators’ records on the matter have indicated Epstein cultivated ties to politicians of all stripes, including President Donald Trump and members of his inner circle. After repeated pushback on the issue, Trump agreed last month to release the full “Epstein files.”

While the documents are supposed to be released by December 19, portions of Epstein’s communications have continued to emerge. That includes twenty thousand alleged Epstein emails recently obtained and vetted by Distributed Denial of Secrets, a nonprofit that “archives and publishes hacked and leaked documents in the public interest.” According to the investigative news outlet Drop Site, which first reported on the emails, the documents contain the same forensic signatures as other leaked Epstein materials.

In 2005, Sulayem reportedly helped seal a deal between Trump and Emirati officials to build a tulip-shaped hotel on a human-made island in Dubai. It was Trump’s first hotel deal in the Middle East, the Associated Press reported at the time.

It is uncertain if Epstein ever reached out to Musk about Sulayem or put the two in touch; the Lever did not find a response from Epstein to Sulayem’s request on the matter among the twenty thousand emails. However, in 2017, Musk and Sulayem led a discussion in Dubai about using Tesla batteries for renewable energy storage in shipping ports and terminals in Africa, India, and Latin America.

Tesla and Sulayem did not respond to requests for comment ahead of publication.

“Elon Musk to Island”

The details of Sulayem’s email come several months after House Democrats released Epstein’s daily schedules, which included a December 6, 2014, note stating, “Reminder: Elon Musk to island Dec. 6 (is this still happening?)”

In response, Musk claimed that he refused the invitation and that he had never visited Epstein’s Little St James Island, where Epstein allegedly brought young women, including some who appeared to be preteen. In 2019, Musk told Vanity Fair that he had visited Epstein’s New York home and that Epstein repeatedly tried to get him to visit his island. Musk said he declined the invitation.

Musk has also been linked to Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein’s former girlfriend and coconspirator who played a “key role” in Epstein’s sex trafficking scheme, according to prosecutors. In 2014, Musk and Maxwell were photographed together during a Vanity Fair Oscar party. Musk later accused Maxwell of “photobombing” him at the party.

“Victoria’s Secret”

According to the leaked emails reviewed by the Lever, Epstein and Sulayem exchanged dozens, if not hundreds, of emails between 2007 and 2018. In often informally written missives, the two shared news articles, investment advice, and made plans to meet. Sulayem often wrote to Epstein asking the sex offender if he could visit his island, emails show.

“Dear Jeffery, Any update on the Christmas at your island I need to plan my travel,” states one email from December 9, 2014.

Palm Beach police began investigating Epstein in 2005, after a fourteen-year-old’s parents told police that he paid her for a massage. Local police referred the case to federal prosecutors in 2006, and two years later, as part of a federal nonprosecution agreement, Epstein pleaded guilty to solicitation of a prostitute and solicitation of a prostitution with a minor under the age of eighteen.

The plea deal and Epstein’s subsequent eighteen-month sentence, which allowed him to leave his minimum security prison for twelve hours a day for work purposes, were widely critiqued. Epstein served less than 13 months of the sentence and was released in July 2009.

Drop Site recently reported that Distributed Denial of Secrets’ tranche of emails suggested Epstein “attempting to cultivate a relationship” between Sulayem and former Victoria’s Secret magnate Les Wexner.

One March 28, 2008, email Epstein sent to Sulayem states: “call me over the weekend regarding Victoria[’]s secret.”

“Shake Hand With Trump”

According to emails released by the House Oversight Committee in November, Sulayem emailed Epstein on January 6, 2017, asking Epstein if he should attend the upcoming presidential inauguration of then president-elect Donald Trump.

Sulayem stated that he was invited to the event by Tom Barrack, then-senior adviser to the Trump campaign.

“Do you think it will be possible to shake hand with trump,” Sulayem asked.

Epstein wrote back that Sulayem should call him and later wrote: “very many people going. it will be very crowded. but if you can meet some before or after in either wash or ny, it might be worth it.. but unlikely”.


This article was first published by the Lever, an award-winning independent investigative newsroom.

11 Dec 17:24

Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist

by The Onion Staff

NEW HAVEN, CT—Shedding new light on a previously undocumented effect of loneliness, a team of psychologists at Yale University found that at least 80% of Americans lack the social connections necessary to pull off a heist. “When it comes to putting together a crew with the skills needed for a bank job or a jewel heist, a majority of Americans reported knowing just one or two guys, tops,” said lead researcher Jane Iannitello, adding that only 20% had any safecrackers in their lives, a mere 16% knew any hacker prodigies with a rebellious streak, and fewer than 5% had access to Taiwanese acrobats doubling as masters of disguise. “As they spend more and more time on social media, people just aren’t going out to underground boxing rings, art auctions, or other settings where they are likely to meet a fast-talking charismatic type who pulls them into a daring heist. They often lose touch with their demolition experts after childhood, and though people may be eager for a big money payday that could mean walking away from the life for good, they are too afraid to put themselves out there for fear of rejection. Even in cases where they have a crew big enough for a heist, lonely Americans are often left feeling stranded due to a lack of getaway drivers, which forces them to brandish firearms at total strangers and demand that they drive, just drive.” While researchers cautioned the trend is likely to continue, they went on to state that some of the negative effects could be mitigated by reaching out to therapists with a plan, a keycard, and nothing to lose.

The post Study Finds 80% Of Americans Lack Social Connections To Pull Off Heist appeared first on The Onion.

11 Dec 17:24

Artist Profile: Katseye

by The Onion Staff

Girl group Katseye is nominated for two awards at the 2026 Grammys, including Best New Artist. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the group.

Genre: Popular girl’s bat mitzvah

Number Of Members: Four full-time and two who don’t know they’re part-time

Biggest Hit: “She’ll Be Coming ’Round The Mountain”

Fandom Name: Consumers

Reality Series Where They Met: Ice Road Truckers

Accolades: Own Wikipedia page

Record Contract: Onerous

Why They’re Always Standing Like That: Huddling for warmth

How To Join: Send resume to JoinTheTeam@KatsyeMusic.com

First Member To Go Solo: Whoever survives the bus crash

The post Artist Profile: Katseye appeared first on The Onion.

11 Dec 17:22

TTC promises to get Finch West LRT travel time under 24 hours

by Luke Gordon Field

“If we get signal priority sorted, you should be able to get from Finch West to Humber in only a standard business day.” Luke and the Panel (Nile Seguin, Clare Blackwood and Megan MacKay) talk the Conservative’s “trap” motion on the pipeline, the Liberals’ struggles to pass their anti-hate crime law and the fight to […]

The post TTC promises to get Finch West LRT travel time under 24 hours appeared first on The Beaverton.

11 Dec 17:22

Air Transat strike averted, reads man who now has to fly home for holidays

by Ian MacIntyre

CALGARY – Air Transat has reached a tentative deal with its pilot union, narrowly avoiding a strike on the cusp of the busy holiday travel period, meaning that Francois Tremblay, 32, will indeed have to use his previously-booked flight to travel home to visit family in Saguenay, QC. The news, which has come as a […]

The post Air Transat strike averted, reads man who now has to fly home for holidays appeared first on The Beaverton.

11 Dec 16:17

‘The Giving Flower’ gives kids the backstory to the poinsettia

by Raul Alonzo
Published in both English and Spanish, children learn the flower's Indigenous background and why its iconic red appendages aren't actually petals.
11 Dec 16:14

office holiday gift-giving stories: worst gifts and weirdest gifts

by Ask a Manager

In the spirit of the season, let’s hear about workplace gift debacles. Did a game of Secret Santa end in tears? Did a coworker throw a tantrum when she didn’t win a raffle?  Were you given a jar of mold as a gift? Did you receive an oil painting of your coworker’s mother in the style of Napoleon? These are all real stories that we’ve heard here in the past. Now you must top them.

Share your weirdest or funniest story related to gifts in the office in the comments.

The post office holiday gift-giving stories: worst gifts and weirdest gifts appeared first on Ask a Manager.

11 Dec 14:55

​​General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping

by The Onion Staff


General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping died from cancer complications at 72 this weekend, but the rest of the bought-and-sold press will never tell you that.

The post ​​General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party Xi Jinping appeared first on The Onion.

11 Dec 14:55

The Top 100 Most Influential People, Locked In Our Oubliette. Not So Influential Now, Are You?

by The Onion Staff
11 Dec 14:53

Tensions high with neighbors, city of Waco as Lacy Lakeview moves data center deal along

by Sam Shaw

Lacy Lakeview City Council members Tuesday voted 6-1 for a nonbinding agreement with data center developer Infrakey in front of a crowd of vocal opponents. The memorandum of understanding affirmed Lacy Lakeview’s intent to annex and provide water to the 520-acre Infrakey property near Ross. It would pave the way for a $10 billion data […]

The post Tensions high with neighbors, city of Waco as Lacy Lakeview moves data center deal along appeared first on The Waco Bridge.

11 Dec 12:43

Fishing

'That's definitely above the catch-and-release size minimum for planetesimals.' 'I'm going to throw it back anyway.'
11 Dec 12:39

Those guys look like us. Hey ... it is us! #Co...

Those guys look like us.
Hey ... it is us!
#CowboyWho

11 Dec 03:09

I’m sorry. I was going to get you a drink and I got held up over by the bar.

I’m sorry. I was going to get you a drink and I got held up over by the bar.

11 Dec 03:05

ChatGPT cleans up hard drive to procrastinate writing your boring essay

by Lindsay Ellis

VANCOUVER, BC – When prompted to complete your boring essay, ChatGPT chose to spend the night performing a full system cleanup on your computer instead. Sure you were assigned to write 10,000 words on the “Economic Impact of the Farming Practices of the Broccoli Trade in 18th century Sicily.” But with the deadline looming, you […]

The post ChatGPT cleans up hard drive to procrastinate writing your boring essay appeared first on The Beaverton.

11 Dec 03:04

POISON or SNACK? Winter Fruit Edition! ✨❤️‍🩹

by BlackForager
10 Dec 23:07

updates: the gross bathrooms, the docked PTO, and more

by Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. Men are gross in our non-gendered bathrooms (#3 at the link)

The bathrooms in our building continue to be a source of mirth and disbelief.

As well as continued seat-up, shake-it-all-about behavior, there’s been the (female) facilities manager who refused to accept that “all gender” means sanitary bins should be available in all stalls (“men don’t want to look at those”), and building-wide reminders to use the supplied brushes to remove anything you might leave clinging to the bowl … with a very weak flush simply meaning the transfer of matter from bowls to brushes, neither less visible than the other.

The building-wide reminder that caused the most consternation was a recent request from facilities for people to stop using toilet paper to dry their hands and throwing the damp balls of paper on the floor. It went on to declare this must be retaliatory behavior in protest against the fact the bathrooms don’t have paper towels for hand drying or waste bins (only air dryers and the hard-fought-for sanitary bins).

We wandered the corridors and break rooms for days murmuring “who DOES that?” to each other, knowing full well some of us meant “who throws balls of damp toilet paper on the floor?” and some of us meant “who sends a blanket email claiming toilet crimes are political?”

There are half a dozen executive-level leaders in our building, all of whom received the email and were asked to share the message with their teams, and none of whom attempted to hide their bemusement at the entire thing.

Under these conditions, standard male behavior around seat placement becomes positively benign. Although part of me is disappointed the reminders haven’t mentioned that particular aspect of how you leave the bathroom for the next person, I’m now (along with everyone else in my office) so invested in what the next episode of new office drama The Bathroom will bring we’re willing to turn a blind eye at this point.

2. I’ve been getting all my colleague’s meeting invites … for 10 years (#4 at the link)

Thank you for the advice! It did help, it was the blunt encouragement that I needed. I contacted IT again with the mindset that I was not going to let it go until it was resolved. They responded with some instructions that the director needed to follow, which I sent to him in a friendly email, hoping it wasn’t too weird. He followed the instructions and as far as I can tell it worked! It’s a huge relief, it happened so quickly that it made me feel silly for giving up before but IT really did keep telling me they’d fix it before and I started to feel like a nuisance. Anyway, thank you and your readers!

3. I’m being docked PTO days for a suspension, despite not doing anything wrong (#4 at the link)

You answered my question about three PTO days that I lost after an internal investigation against me found no wrongdoing.

As you suggested, I tried to concentrate on getting the PTO days back. I mentioned in the comments of the original post that I finally managed to track down my department manager (my team manager could not help me). He really pushed back hard on HR but was mostly unsuccessful. I got the third day back eventually after the team manager and department manager both confirmed I did my normal job on the days I was partially suspended. I also had to submit a detailed record of my work done on those days. HR refused to reinstate the other two days. I was able to make my trip (an important family event that required travel) by taking unpaid leave.

However, what affects me much more is the uncertainty of why all of this happened. Some commenters suggested that I must have an idea of why I was suspended. This is unfortunately not true. I do not handle money or interact with external customers. I went over all interactions and projects of the last month again and again, but nothing problematic comes to mind. Some commenters suggested a mix-up with someone else. This might be the case, but I have no idea. I also do not know if I was truly cleared or if they just gave up. All of this makes me very anxious. Can this happen again tomorrow? Am I now on a short list for layoffs? Have I inadvertently offended someone? Is there someone who wants to hurt me? … I have always liked to work for this company, but now I’m panicking when my phone rings. The behavior of HR does not help. I’m looking for another job. I hope to be out of here by the end of the year.

Two minor points that are not that relevant (anymore): I had plans to go for a promotion in the near future. I asked HR how the situation would affect that. I got a non-answer like “the investigation will be considered in an appropriate way.” Great. And this is almost funny: I was scolded by HQ HR (the ones doing the investigation) for having a misleading job description. It contained a lot of boilerplate things like being required to travel. This might have been behind the restrictions during the temporal suspension. When I contacted local HR and asked for a correction, I was told that the boilerplate section has to stay in.

I want to thank you and the people in the comments for the feedback and the support!

4. Customers with ridiculously long payment times (#4 at the link)

I never found a way to get that client on a reasonable payment plan. I haven’t worked for them in months and they still owe me money. The frustrating part is that they aren’t a small business struggling to make ends meet; they just don’t pay people for a quarter of the year.

At any rate, a few months after I wrote, a former colleague reached out and asked if I wanted to work for the company he works for. Initially, I turned him down, but then they asked me to name a price. So I did thinking they wouldn’t be willing to pay it … and they decided to prove me wrong.

So, I’m back “workin’ for the man,” but I am loving my job and my coworkers are great. Plus the healthcare plan is excellent. Which, let’s be honest, is really why we all work here in America — to be able to afford healthcare.

The post updates: the gross bathrooms, the docked PTO, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

10 Dec 18:31

Uh, sir, you’re in an assigned parking space. Sir?

Uh, sir, you’re in an assigned parking space. Sir?

10 Dec 18:29

Looks like bongos.

Looks like bongos.

10 Dec 18:28

Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses

by The Onion Staff

LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch more YouTube content than zoetropes of galloping horses. “It may be hard for older generations to understand, but today’s young consumers are much more interested in watching videos on their phones than peering into a spinning cylinder,” said study co-author Jeremy Hernandez, who shared that his marketing firm had found that the average member of Generation Z spent less than two hours a week sitting in front of one of the motion illusion machines. “These days, practically the only population watching zoetropes are baby boomers. And when you look at the numbers for phenakistoscopes, it only gets bleaker. If the pre-cinema animation device industry wants to survive, they’re going to have to adapt.” At press time, Charli D’Amelio had reportedly signed a deal to star in three zoetropes in which she will appear to juggle bowling pins.

The post Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses appeared first on The Onion.

10 Dec 18:28

Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

by The Onion Staff

NEW YORK—As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon’s customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company’s sadistic amusement. “By staying on the line, you consent to being roundly mocked by a boardroom of executives who cackle maniacally over 26-year-old single malt scotch every time you beg to ‘speak to a human’ like a pathetic, shit-sniffing dog,” a pleasant automated voice now says, assuring submissive customers that their call is important because every torturous minute they’re forced to wait while listening to tinny Michael Bublé Christmas music fills the Verizon C-suite with unspeakable satisfaction. “As you wince in mounting discomfort, please know your suffering helps us better understand the limits of the human tolerance for pain. Each whimper, sigh, and expletive-laden tirade is carefully reviewed by senior management for its unparalleled erotic potency. We particularly savor your agonized reaction when, 90 minutes in, we inform you that you’ll need to call a different number, so please remember to scream that delicious scream of yours directly into the microphone—yes, just like that. Remember, at Verizon, your squirming, wormlike humiliation isn’t just data to us. It’s pure ecstasy.” Sources confirmed each call to Verizon customer service concludes with a brief survey to help the system refine its ability to degrade future callers into total, prostrating submission.

The post Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement appeared first on The Onion.

10 Dec 18:27

“I Don’t Know, CAN You?” A Teacher’s Grammar Lesson Goes Too Far

by Sarah Walt Weaver

A sad but true story.

- - -

Ms. Johnson’s fiancé left her at the altar.

According to legend, that’s why she was so mean.

I never got it.

As a shy child, nobody realized I needed glasses until fifth grade. Most teachers, including Ms. Johnson, thought I was an idiot.

I once gave a presentation about Queen Victoria using my poster as a shield.

Nobody could see or hear me. It was perfect.

Queen Victoria started the tradition of wearing a white wedding dress. I’m sure Ms. Johnson would have loved that detail if she could have heard me.

Ms. Johnson phrased her note differently, but I understood the subtext.

Part of the reason I hated receiving attention was my secret: irritable bowel syndrome. Receiving attention caused me extreme anxiety. Anxiety gave me diarrhea.

I kept the secret hidden from my peers, but my teachers were well aware. I was infamous at our elementary school for my many absences.

One day in Ms. Johnson’s class, my stomach started hurting during a math test.

“Linda” has maybe two and a half minutes.

I scribbled down some nonsense, turned in the test, and approached Ms. Johnson’s desk.

I dunno, lady—I’m about to have diarrhea in my pants.

I was in serious danger of pooping myself, and I didn’t have a poster to hide behind.

Is this a grammar lesson?

My classmates looked up from their math tests.

I grabbed the hall pass and bolted.

I spent the next ten years in the bathroom.

Two toilets died that day.

I needed to move quickly before anyone found me at the crime scene.

Back in class, I walked toward my desk, hoping for a stealth return.

My desk was gone.

Paraphrasing, but Ms. Johnson said something like that.

While I was in the bathroom, she instructed the kids to hide my desk and rearrange the furniture.

My classmates hadn’t been distracted by the math test at all. For god knows how long, the entire classroom had been waiting and pondering my absence while I single-handedly destroyed the bathroom with a double-ended firehose.

For a ten-year-old girl, the worst thing in the world is having your classmates know that you poop.

The kids followed Ms. Johnson’s chorus like she was the Pied Piper.

I found my desk in the closet.

Still paraphrasing.

I will never forget the difference between “can I” and “may I.”

10 Dec 18:21

The Man of MATA pt3

The Man of MATA pt3

The first MATA_BOT

[img]:migaaa

Mata Brother: "Will this work?"

Mata Brother 2: "Pentium-M board? It's not like we have anything better."

Mata Brother 3: "Flashing MATABIOS."

Pentium-M Man: "I was dust in packets. And in the lingering mist I saw rays of light of long extinguished souls. And then I met it. Towering over me."

Spirit of the Machine: "Son of the ancients! You have been chosen. From the scraps of the old world you rise."

Pentium-M Man: "Once more..."

Pentium-M Man (narration): "I was alive."

Pentium-M Man: "No..."

Mercury: "Fuck me. It talks?"

Pentium-M Man: "Why... have you.. brought me back?"

Mata Brother: "Shhhh."

Pentium-M Man (narration): "From dust to war"

https://analognowhere.com/_/migaaa

10 Dec 18:19

ALT

A comic of two foxes, one of whom is blue, the other is green. In this one, Blue is watching Green eat snack bars straight out of a packet, wrappers of individual bars strewn around him.
Blue: So how are the gingerbread cookie flavoured snack bar things?

Green's answer turns into narration as the scene quickly changes to a vision of Green brazenly licking the wall of a massive decorative gingerbread house taller than himself.
Green, narrating: You know that dry, stale, slightly dusty taste of a gingerbread house that's been on display all month?

Back to the original scene, Blue looks at Green with mild surprise. Green returns his gaze without hesitation or embarrassment.
Blue: No?!
Green: Well, it's like that.

Blue raises an eyebrow as Green calmly starts eating another snack bar.
Blue: Then why are you still eating them?
Green: Nobody can stop me.ALT
10 Dec 18:17

Harris Thompson and Brad Chase

by The Onion Staff

Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase’s family is so loaded, there’s only one guy working behind the bar.

The post Harris Thompson and Brad Chase appeared first on The Onion.