Have you ever noticed that I've never done that whole influencer thing? Unless you count this Christmas light tirade, that is. Anyway, that's all thanks to people like you! Viewer support through Patreon keeps this channel independent and possible. If you'd like to join the amazing folks who fund my work, check out the link below. Thank you! https://www.patreon.com/technologyconnections
SUDBURY, ON – Local girlfriend Ashlynn Timbers is currently monitoring her boyfriend as he watches the program she told him was the World Juniors Hockey Tournament, but is in fact the steamy gay romance sensation Heated Rivalry. The erotic ruse was instigated by Timbers as her boyfriend, Dereck Voss, settled in for his annual post-Christmas […]
AKRON, OH—Using the icon of a sleigh to denote his unmistakable presence near a residence in northeastern Ohio, NORAD’s official tracking app confirmed that Santa Claus paid a visit to his former girlfriend’s house around 3 a.m. Wednesday. “With our state-of-the-art satellite technology, we can see that ol’ St. Nick parked his reindeer on the roof and took a chimney straight down into the living room of a woman he used to know back in his single days,” said chief technologist Tom Chrzanowski, noting that the jolly old elf only visited the home of his old flame Sheila Bickford after first stopping at a local bar where he reportedly gathered his courage by consuming a few double eggnogs. “Children tracking Santa’s whereabouts at home on their iPads will be relieved to know longer visits to this location do not mean another kid is getting more presents than they are. Santa’s last visit to his ex’s house was in March 2006, when our radar detected him sneaking out his window while Mrs. Claus was asleep.” At press time, NORAD’S tracker confirmed Santa’s location for the foreseeable future would be the basement couch of his North Pole residence.
READING, PA—Saying the snot-nosed brat sure as hell better not expect any damn frankincense or myrrh, sources confirmed Friday that a bullshit newborn wasn’t even Jesus Christ, the Son of God. “There’s not a fucking chance this useless goddamn baby is going to die for our sins,” said the child’s uncle Brandon Lowrey, explaining that beyond being born in a hospital instead of a manger, the absolute disgrace of an infant wasn’t actually a boy at all, but in fact a girl. “I bet this little shit isn’t even related to God, let alone a direct relative. I should have known when I didn’t see a single Star of Bethlehem shining above that twerp to beckon wise men from the East. That dumbass baby couldn’t redeem a ham sandwich.” Lowrey added that the good-for-nothing child’s mother was no virgin either.
