Amber

From Drinks

Following up on last week's discussion of the Negroni, I thought I'd take a bit of time and explore the world of bitter liqueurs. As I said then, "You hate Campari until that one moment when you love it, and then when you love it you never want your bottle to run dry." But how does one go about learning to love Campari and, for that matter, other bitter liqueurs?

Build Slowly

Some people have a taste for bitter things, and others simply don't. I myself was put off by Campari and other bitter liqueurs the first few times I tried them, but once the flavors clicked for me, it happened pretty quickly. Other people need to build up to bitter drinks gradually over time, and still others never get there at all. All of this is fine. Personal preference, after all, is personal. Not everyone likes anchovies on pizza, just as not everyone likes super-smoky Scotch. You like what you like. You can change your preferences to an extent if you're interested, but some people will never like bitter beverages, and that's okay.

But if you are interested in building a taste for the bitter drinks that are showing up in bars these days, my advice is to start slowly.

Start With Vermouth

A great place to begin is by sipping vermouths and other aromatized wines. Vermouth is made by infusing wormwood and other herbs into wine. (The word vermouth is in fact derived from the German word for wormwood, vermut.) Vermouths have a hint of bitterness to them, but they're also sweetened and still taste mostly like wine. Your basic fresh bottle of Martini & Rossi or Cinzano will do, but if you're serious about this, go up a level and get Dolin or Punt e Mes. (Want to read more about vermouth? Good thing we have a guide!)

On a similar note, you can try other aromatized wines, such as Lillet Blanc. There's a touch more bitterness in Lillet than you'll find in most vermouths, but it's still subtle and balanced by sweetness.

Put your vermouth or aromatized wine of choice in a glass with a few ice cubes. You can add a twist of orange if you want. Not bad, right?

From there, it's a short hop on the bitterness train to aperitif liqueurs such as Suze or Byrrh, if you can track those down (try your best local wine or liquor shop).

Once you've mastered these, you're ready to get serious.

Aperol: The Gateway Drug

[Image: Aperol]

Many bartenders use Aperol as the liqueur to turn patrons on to bitter flavors. Among its ingredients are orange and rhubarb, and those fruity notes balance the liqueur's bitterness very well. Aperol has a similar flavor profile to Campari, but it's much less bitter, and it's also lower in alcohol. However, if you're still getting used to the flavors, you should try it in a cocktail first. Luckily, a couple of Aperol drinks stand out.

The first is the Aperol Spritz. It's really not much more than a gussied-up highball, topped off with fizzy Prosecco. I think you'll find it to be a crisp and refreshing drink, especially delicious on humid summer days. Even a dry Prosecco has a hint of lingering sweetness to it, and that sweetness balances the mild bitterness of the Aperol. Drink these for a week or two and see if you start to crave them.

After you've found yourself addicted to the Aperol Spritz, then try the Intro to Aperol cocktail, devised by Pegu Club's owner, Audrey Saunders, for the exact purpose of appealing to bitters-beginners. Saunders starts with Aperol, adds gin and lemon juice, and finishes with simple syrup and a dash of bitters. The drink is mildly herbal and citrusy, with a subtle undercurrent of bitterness. You're starting to like it, right?

Next Steps: Averna, Ramazzotti, and Meletti

Should you choose to continue your adventures, your next move should be to try a few liqueurs that are moderately more bracing than Aperol, but still not bang-bang-bitter. Pull up a barstool at a well-stocked cocktail bar (or Italian restaurant) and order up a few tastes of these, to start.

Amaro Averna is mild and sweet, with a subtle almond and cocoa taste, juicy citrus flavors, and a hint of licorice. Though I personally find it a bit too sweet to sip just on ice, I know others who love it that way.

Ramazzotti is a trifle less sweet than Averna, though with a bit less citrus. Ramazzotti tastes a bit like a bittersweet, uncarbonated cola, and in fact, if you hit it with some soda water, you may find it tastes like a fancy Coca-Cola.

Amaro Meletti is the most bitter of the three, though it shouldn't curl your toes too much. It tastes of saffron, violet, and anise. It's my favorite of the three to drink solo, though I still usually splash in some soda.

Try a sip, and try them in a cocktail, too. If you're a fan, there's good news: a whole world of bitter drinks to explore.

Life Is a Bitter Mystery

Tell me, how did you discover the joys of bitter liqueurs? Conversely, if you can't stand the things, feel free to tell me that, too.

About the author: Michael Dietsch lives with his wife and kids in Brooklyn. His first book, Shrubs, is due in October 2014. You can reach him on twitter at @dietsch.

I always just assumed I would take my fiancé’s name once we got married. Why not? I even tipsily asked, a few months pre-engagement, if it would be creepy to reserve a Gmail address with what I assumed would eventually be my married name. (Spoiler alert: yup.) The thought of keeping my name honestly hadn’t really occurred to me.

So what changed? I wish I could tell you I had some massive feminist awakening over the course of our nearly three-year engagement, but that’s not quite it. The question in my mind has just gradually shifted from, “Why not?” to a plain and simple, “Why?”

In trying to find an answer, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of the Internet, combing feminist blogs and WIC-message boards alike in search of a solution that resonated with me. But aside from vague ideas about romantic symbolism and misguided arguments about “tradition,” no one has been able to give me a really great reason why I should change my name—at least, no reason that wouldn’t apply equally to my soon-to-be husband.

I don’t believe the argument that life will be substantially easier if we operate under one name. I’m sure there would be occasions when this causes confusion or inconvenience, but truthfully, we’ve been managing as a household with two separate last names for years with minimal trouble. The security guards at our apartment address us both using my last name; all our video rentals are done in my fiancé’s last name. We have a handful of bills under his name, and a handful under mine. The P.O. Box is registered under my name, but my fiancé’s mail always arrives without incident. I am just not convinced that the world is going to come grinding to a halt if we continue operating this way after we’re married. (And again, if “avoiding confusion” is the goal, this might weigh in favor of my husband and I having the same name—but it wouldn’t necessarily follow that this requires me to change my name.)

Similarly, I have a hard time even wrapping my head around the (distressingly frequent) remark that a woman keeping her own last name shows a “lack of commitment” to the marriage. Ladies! If keeping your last name demonstrates a lack of commitment, why on earth have we been putting up will all these apparently uncommitted, name-keeping husbands? I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s because we realize that keeping your name (or changing it, for that matter) has absolutely no correlation to the strength of your commitment to spend your life with another human being.

Perhaps the most common justification I see from women who keep their names is that they did so because they were already “established professionally.” That makes sense—it’s certainly understandable that changing a last name would involve an extra layer of complication when one is already established as Dr. Maiden Name, or works in a field where name recognition is essential. I’ve tried using this argument with a few people who have asked whether or not I’ll be changing my name. “Well, I do have this one publication I’m kind of proud of…” I hesitantly explained to one naysayer. “Where?” she practically sneered. “The Harvard Law Review?”

Well, no. Maybe by using professional accomplishments or name recognition as our justification for keeping our names, we’re perpetuating the idea that certain women have acceptable reasons for keeping their names, while others do not. In other words: hey lady, if you’re going to buck “tradition” and keep your name, you better have a damn good excuse for doing so.

I’m not buying the idea that I need to have done something particularly fabulous to warrant keeping my name. I like my name. It’s easy to pronounce, and it rhymes with Harry Potter. (You’d be surprised how many people comment on this.) It took me a long time to sort out how to write it in cursive, but I’ve finally got that covered. If you Google me, you’ll find a few minor publications, sure—but you’ll mostly find a handful of “did not finish” results from my brief flirtation with downhill ski racing, and a long list of near-last place finishes from road races I’ve done over the years. Nothing especially spectacular, to be honest, but I just don’t believe that carries much weight in the decision of whether or not to keep my name. After all, no one is asking my fiancé what he has done to deserve to keep his name.

I haven’t decided for sure yet whether I’ll keep my name or change it. Maybe I’ll keep my last name and take my husband’s last name as a middle name, or vice versa, as many of my girlfriends have done. My fiancé has mentioned taking my last as his middle, so we’d each have both names. This possibility delights me but is, alas, not permitted where we live (yet). (We tossed around the idea of combining our two last names into one name, and the result sounds like some kind of hybrid zoo animal. Obviously, I think this weighs in pretty heavily favor of combing our names. My fiancé strenuously disagrees.) I could also follow my sister’s example, and delay making any change until the wedding was long past and decisions needed to be made about what to call an imminently arriving baby. Who says you can only change your name in direct correlation with getting married?

But I do know this: if I keep my last name, it won’t be because I was published in a fancy journal, or because my name is so well-known that changing it would be detrimental to my “brand.” It won’t be because I’ve won races and accomplished amazing feats that will pop up when searching for my name on the Internet. I’ll be keeping my last name because I am me, and that is reason enough.

Photo by Emily Takes Photos (APW Sponsor)

The post Hayley: What’s In A Name? appeared first on A Practical Wedding: Blog Ideas for the Modern Wedding, Plus Marriage.

I knew while watching the original episode for “Anniversaries” that there had to be more footage from the iron throne bit. You don’t just bring in the Game of Thrones’ iron throne and not film a bunch of different jokes around it. Parks and Rec thankfully made my dreams come true and released some deleted scenes. Now, all we need is an episode of Game of Thrones where April Ludgate has a cameo. Let your imagination ponder that.

She’s perfect.

Via E! Online

When men force unwanted sexual attention on women in bars, the problem isn't that the guy is drunk. Instead, a study finds, men target women who have been drinking and may be seen as more vulnerable.

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When I first discovered the existence of Beyoncé’s surprise self-titled album this past December, I dissolved into a fit of grateful, relief-filled screams usually reserved for for grad school admissions letters. That is to say, I reacted like most people did. And when I saw the words, “Feat. Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche,” I screamed again. (Never mind that her name is actually spelled “Adichie.”) By now, you’re likely familiar with the snippet of Adichie’s Ted Talk, “We Should all be Feminists,” that ‘Yonce sampled:

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls: ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful, otherwise you will threaten the man.’…Feminist: The person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.

This quote is far from the most interesting thing Adichie has said. To begin and end your explorations of Chimamanda with Beyoncé, I’d argue, is to miss out on some of the best work that contemporary literature has to offer—especially outside of the tired perspective of the white male American novelist. Adichie is a feminist writer, as her famous TED Talk confirms, but she also takes down cultural and social norms without catering to the expectations of “global” literature, educating readers swiftly and expecting a lot of us, guaranteeing that we come away with a different set of perspectives and opinions than when we first cracked open the spine of her book.

Adichie was born in 1977 in Enugu, Nigeria. The child of two Igbo intellectuals, she was raised in the academic environment of Nsukka’s University of Nigeria. At 19, she came to the States to complete her undergraduate degree, a move that would forge her previously overlooked Nigerian, or even African, personal identity. Adichie, who “didn’t consciously identify as African” until her arrival in the U.S., speaks of the embarrassing assumptions her uninformed but well-meaning classmates had about the “country” of Africa and its inhabitants—that everyone had AIDS; that machete-wielding tribal warfare was rampant; that it was up to white people to step in and save the day.

In one TED Talk, Adichie refers to these misconceptions and the “patronizing well-meaning pity” of her classmates as the consequence of the “dangers of the single story.” Americans tend to get a singular view of Africa: the poverty-stricken and dependent continent, barely changed from the one so contemptuously illustrated by Rudyard Kipling. These types of stories survive because they “emphasize how we are different, not how we are similar.” Once, the writer was told that one of her novels wasn’t “authentically African” because her characters were too “educated and middle class,” and “drove cars,” instead of “starving.”

Adichie calls herself a “Happy African Feminist who does not hate men and who likes lip gloss and who wears high heels for herself but not for men,” but her ethos as a thinker and writer is one where every definition can be refined and questioned. She recalls moments in Nigeria where, entering a hotel alone, she was assumed to be a sex worker; she questions why, when she enters a restaurant with a man, the waitstaff enthusiastically greets the man rather than her. She also wonders, as most of us have, when the word “feminist” became an especially dirty one, and why it seemed to be held in a particular kind of contempt by males. “Feminists,” a colleague reminded her growing up, “are women who are unhappy because they can’t find husbands.”

This sort of received ignorance on the subject of gender roles makes Adichie not bitter but fierce, and her critical lens never wavers. “We teach boys to be afraid of fear…weakness…and vulnerability,” she reminds us, which forces girls to forever “cater to the fragile egos of men.” She suggests that respect—that idea so seemingly crucial to maintaining a happy marriage—often only goes the way of the woman respecting, or obeying, the man.

As a result, many of Adichie’s female characters live alongside men without ever marrying them, despite the unsavory opinions of their families and friends. They engage in premarital sex and explore bodies with rabid curiosity. Her characters proudly flaunt their defiance, put education at the forefront of their lives, and rarely cater to the expectations of others. They are also vulnerable in a way that makes their strength not simply believable, but enviable. They feel conflicted in creating a cultural identity; they weigh the permanent consequences of pursuing romances, they are political dynamos and writers themselves. In short they are just as multifaceted as their real-life counterparts, so underrepresented in the larger and more homogenous realm of contemporary culture, where visible women are still mostly white, still mostly vehicles to further the actions or satisfy the needs of male protagonists.

Adichie writes for Nigerians first, a slant evident in the way she prioritizes but refuses to sensationalize immigrant life, civil war and Nigerian politics. But her work is so far-ranging socially that Western readers will find themselves recognized, even if (how novel!) decentralized. In fact, her work insists on a radically inclusive involvement of the reader. Yet Adichie would most likely scoff at the idea of a fad-based “globalization of literature.” If others are surprised or guilted or transformed by the experience of reading something other than the single story, that’s their business, and secondary to her own.

When I read Adichie’s work, I sometimes find myself guilty of just the kind of thought patterns of her non-Nigerian characters, and if Adichie has taught us anything, it’s to use this moment: to recognize that we are being manipulated by exoticized and even outwardly racist depictions of cultures outside of the “norm.” Do men feel this same pang of self-critical recognition of bigotry and guilt when they read about male privilege? Adichie would suggest that they do, and that in recognizing it, they play a part in changing it. What Beyoncé left out of “Flawless” was Adichie’s personal definition of the word feminist: “A feminist is a man or a woman who says, yes, there’s a problem with gender as it is today, and we must fix it—we must do better.”

Firinn Asch is the pseudonym of a Southern-born, Manhattan-based writer.  She is pursuing a Master’s in non-fiction with an interest in extreme religious communities and cults. When she’s not writing she can be found continuing her search for the best Bloody Mary in New York. You can follow her on twitter at@firinnasch or read her at firinnasch.tumblr.com to learn more.

Just look at Benedict Cumberbatch photobombing the sh*t out of U2. U2 has no idea what is going on right now. Benedict’s name makes me feel fancy. I’m typing this with my pinky fingers out.

Via Twitter

Via nerdist

We’ve already seen two different versions of a Worf of Wall Street poster, because it was inevitable someone would notice the pun evident in the Wolf of Wall Street‘s recognizable poster.

Now Grant Gourley has created an honorable trailer for this obligatory parody. “The Worf of Starfleet” recasts Worf as the smooth criminal we all knew he was.

Qapla’!

Via dorkly

Via Tastefully Offensive, Dorkly, and Nerdist

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When last we checked in with Bruce Springsteen, he was covering INXS and AC/DC in their native Australia. He’s since moved further south, down to New Zealand, to perform a song by a well-known artist in THAT country, Lorde. I support Springsteen’s mission to travel the world and look for native songs to cover — you haven’t heard Bruce until you’ve heard Bruce play Makka Sagaipova’s “Люблю тебя” in Chechnya.

H/T @RBaillieNZH

[Photograph: Chipotle]

They're called "Sofritas," they're made of tofu, they're 100 percent vegan, and they're pretty darn delicious. The saucy, crumbled, sausage-like filling, which can be ordered in any of Chipotle's burritos, tacos, or salads, has thus far been available in select markets (find out where at chipotle.com), mainly on the West Coast. Today, Chipotle announced that starting March 3, they'd be expanding its availability to both coasts and several markets in between, with plans to roll it out across the country in the works. It's the first nationwide new menu item the company has introduced since its inception.

I've been following the vegetarian options at Chipotle with great interest ever since Culinary Manager Nate Appleman gave me a taste of some early prototype recipes he was working on at the Chipotle test kitchen in Chelsea. For a while, it seemed that the "Garden Blend," a vegan product that had a texture and flavor similar to veggie burger patties, was going to be their vegan option, but thankfully they went back to the drawing board on that one.

The new Sofritas are made with tofu from Hodo, an Oakland-based company that uses traditional methods to produce their organic tofu. For several years, Appleman has been using the tofu at Shophouse, Chipotle's foray into the world of Asian cuisine serving sandwiches and rice bowls in D.C.

At Chipotle, they braise the crumbled tofu with chipotle and poblano peppers and a ton of spices in an aromatic broth. The resulting mixture is a moderately spicy stew with a sort of sloppy joe-like texture.

I've had the Sofritas at several events and at West Coast branches of the chain, and if they manage to keep up the quality of the product across all their stores, this is good reason for vegetarians, vegans, and even veg-curious carnivores to rejoice.

We'll be back with a full review in short order, but until then, what are your thoughts? Have you tried them yet? Would you be willing to if they reach a store near you?

thaisobs:

Justice League of Parks and Recreation

Haha! LOVE IT!

From Slice

[Photograph: Pizza Feminism]

I have to thank the AV Club for bringing this one to my attention: it's the relatively new Tumblr, Pizza Feminism. The premise, like so many wonderful, random internet things, is pretty simple—take quotes from feminist icons, replace certain key words ("power", "gender", "body") with "pizza", and superimpose them on a shot of said pizza. For clarification purposes, the original quote is always included in the posts. The overall effect is exactly what the subtitle of the blog—A Slice of Feminist Fun—promises; a slyly funny and fresh look at feminism (and a reminder that it's 100% okay for girls to eat pizza in front of boys).

[Photograph: Pizza Feminism]

Continuing the earnest-but-lighthearted streak, it seems that Jimmy Kimmel isn't half bad as a pizzaiolo. Last Friday, the late-night host made up a pie for Oprah Winfrey, who snapped a few before and after shots on her Instagram account. "Honestly one of the top 3 pizzas I've ever tasted..@jimmykimmel #delicious #greatchef," captioned Oprah. It seemed the pie (which seriously looks pretty good) made a lasting impression on Oprah, prompting a next day follow-up tweet, "still thinking about that mozzarella."

[Photograph: Oprah Winfrey/Instagram]

About the author: Kate Andersen is a Contributing Editor for Slice.

Once upon a time, when Michael and I were young and broke and just getting started wedding planning, we ran off to the courthouse to elope so that we could take advantage of Michael’s health insurance and the tax breaks that would subsequently pay for most of our wedding. In 2009, eloping wasn’t a thing you publicized, and it certainly wasn’t something you were allowed to be excited about (which is why we kept ours a secret for so long). But I’m glad that things have changed. Because even though Michael and I loved our big, fat, crazy wedding, our elopement was one of the most romantic things we’ve ever done. And now Pop! Wed Co. is here to make eloping in the D.C. area the easiest, most fun way to get married. For just $1500, they do the planning, the officiating, the photography, and when it’s all over, they put together a beautiful album to remember the day by, effectively taking the experience from, “Uh, I guess we’re eloping?” (me) to, “OMG WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!” (you).

To help explain what they do, Pop Wed Co.‘s founders and partners in crime, Steven and Maggie, have put together this awesome stop-motion video that gives you all the information you need to know, plus dinosaurs:

Can’t watch videos at work? Don’t like dinosaurs? Here’s the rundown of what you get with Pop! Wed Co.:

A legal wedding ceremony: Steven will marry you with a custom secular ceremony—short and sweet, with any readings, vows, or other things you would like to add!
all The annoying paperwork: D.C. requires couples to apply for a license and then wait three full days before marrying. But Pop! Wed Co. takes care of your application FOR YOU so that when your wedding day comes around, you can get legally married, without having to spend hours in line at the courthouse!

Ceremony photography & a portrait session: Maggie will photograph the ceremony, and then together you’ll explore the neighborhood for about an hour to capture awesome wedding day portraits of just the two of you! A few weeks after your wedding, you’ll receive a link to your online gallery where you can view, share, and download your wedding photos at full resolution.
Some fun wedding day treats: Depending on the location, Maggie and Steven will even bring your choice of wedding day treats and in some cases a couple props for a fun sendoff!

We’re not quite any one wedding vendor—we’ll probably be your only wedding vendor! Steven is a Humanist wedding officiant and coordinator, and I’m a photographer and weddingawesome designer. With Pop! Wed Co., you choose a date (and location), we customize a package to you, and then you show up on your wedding day with your partner, any guests, and an awesome outfit! We’ll have a rad location, all the paperwork ready for a legal D.C. marriage, and some awesome wedding-day treats.

So why elopements and pop-up weddings? Maggie and Steven say, “A lot of the wedding industry absolutely baffles us. There are so many societal expectations and everyone is trying to upsell couples left right and all over the place. And sometimes the real part—the love part—gets lost. We want to photograph/officiate for/hang out with APW couples because you guys are all about the love and marriage part, and that’s the part we love the most too.” Maggie adds, “I love to capture a tiny slice of my couples’ lives so that you look back at the photos and remember exactly how you felt at that moment. Giant grins and happy tears. The snap of two grooms running full speed towards the camera as the sky opens up during their portraits. A couple on Metro in wedding dresses looking amazing and awesome and happy. I love the moments that happen in between things—the loving, excited hugs and nervous pre-wedding giggles.”

There are a lot of wedding trends that the industry likes to foist on couples, but turning elopements into rad events and making pop-up weddings a thing is a movement I can one hundred percent get behind. So if you’re officially over wedding planning and are thinking that eloping or a D.C. pop-up wedding might be the thing for you, head over to Pop! Wed Co. and schedule a call with Steven and Maggie. And don’t forget to check out their Frequently Asked Questions page for answers to all your burning questions (such as, “Can we have guests at this wedding?” and “Is this thing legal?”) and their newly launched Tumblr for kick-ass elopement inspiration. Then kick back, relax, and do… nothing. Because with Pop! Wed Co., the only thing you’re responsible for is being in love (and maybe finding a hot outfit).

The post Pop! Wed Co. Pop-Up Weddings And Elopements In D.C. appeared first on A Practical Wedding: Blog Ideas for the Modern Wedding, Plus Marriage.

And if you want a sense of how weird, and how fraught, the relationship between science, politics, and commerce is in our modern world, then there's really no better place to go.

In The Daily Beast Michael Schulson provides a alternate view on Whole Foods: America's Temple of Pseudoscience. (The first time I read this, I nearly spit out my probiotic-infused kombucha, kale, quinoa, coconut water shake.)

When I went out and got my knives sharpened recently, I had to solve the question of how to transport them safely, and my intuitive idea was to roll them up in a kitchen towel.

When the guy at the shop handed them back to me to take home a week later, I was pleased to hear him say that this was the best method. I also noticed his fold was a lot neater than mine, so I thought I would share it with you.

Naturally, if you’re a traveling cook who has to carry knives around frequently*, it might make sense to buy a special carrying case such as this knife roll, but if you’re only transporting them a few times a year to cook at a friend’s house or to get your blades sharpened, you can definitely save the money and use a simple kitchen towel.

The trick, as you’ll see in the animation below, is to pick one of your thicker kitchen towels, and to fold it so that the tips of the blades push against a double layer of fabric, so they won’t just slice through.

And once the blades are all rolled up, you can tie an elastic band around the bundle and be on your merry way.

Join the conversation!

Do you sometimes need to carry your knives around? How do you like to wrap them for safe transport?

* The French law considers that a knife of any type or size is a weapon, and it is strictly forbidden to carry one around on your person, unless you have a legitimate motive, such as being a professional chef, going to get your blades sharpened, attending a picnic where there will be yummy cheese and charcuterie to slice, etc. Here’s a detailed discussion (in French) of what the law says.

The post How To Transport Your Knives appeared first on Chocolate & Zucchini.

Via Kickstarter

Beard shown actual size.

In 1977, a seven year old kid named Hans Fex did something other than exist with the actual name Hans Fex. He saw some artifacts his father, Dr. Jörgen Fex (a name somehow even more clutch than Hans Fex), had brought back from Malta embedded in resin, and got the idea for the Mini Museum  – a collection of precious artifacts combined in a compact display, perfect for the average nerd’s home. It only took 35 years and the invention of Kickstarter for Hans to bring his idea to fruition, and with three weeks still left to go on the campaign, it’s already been funded at 20 times its goal price.

Here’s how you get yourself some dinosaur DNA for your desktop:

First, you have to decide: Small, Medium, or Large?  A “small” mini museum is a 2-inch by 3-inch collection of 11 artifacts, which includes a moon rock, dinosaur poop, and dirt from Dracula’s castle. (Unknown is exactly how much Transylvanian soil is necessary to keep your vampire charged.)

The largest-sized mini museum (4″x5″) will include all the goodies — bricks from Lincoln’s house, bits of the Titanic, dinosaur bones, and part of the command module from Apollo 11 — but that’ll set you back $239. Of course, how can you really say an iPhone 5 is more valuable than a piece of a mummy, or a mammoth’s hair? I mean, what if you get into black magic and the only thing that’s gonna give you true wizard powers is a rock from Mars? You’d feel like a dummy, that’s what.

Kickstarter accepts no responsibility if you accidentally create a horrific Costa Rican theme park.

Each “museum” is a one inch thick piece of resin with shards of these specimens embedded and labeled accordingly. What’s cool is that, while some of this stuff was purchased from other collectors, a lot of these things were acquired by Fex himself over the last 30 years. It makes this less of a corny ThinkGeek trinket (though Fex was previously involved with designing for GeekLabs), and more of a piece of art, really. Each signed and numbered museum is a part of his life’s work, which is almost as cool as owning radioactive glass from the first nuclear test.

A piece of sand that was melted into glass after the world’s first nuclear explosion test in New Mexico, which probably won’t give you spidey powers.

I’m usually kind of difficult to shop for, but if anyone’s looking for ideas: shards of meteorites and a human brain is a good start. (And you can get that one in the “medium” size, for $179.) If you tell me you purchased it from a guy named Hans with a big red beard, it makes the thought more than count. It makes it magical. And possibly Viking in origin.

And no, we are not done talking about Fifty Shades of Grey!

Against this backdrop of gleeful consumption, Anastasia’s total life makeover takes shape. Having just graduated from college, she scales the corporate ladder from assistant to book editor in a matter of weeks, since Christian has thoughtfully purchased the publishing company where she works. When her boss bullies and sexually harasses her, Christian confronts him, has him fired, and installs Anastasia in his place. Her mild protests over this creepy, control-freak show of power—now that’s some hard-core domination play—are just for show, of course. The underlying message is that Prince Charming swooped in and saved her from the indignities of the underclass. As if that’s not enough, in the third book, Fifty Shades Freed, Christian announces that he’s going to give the publishing company to his new wife, telling her, “This is my wedding present to you.” Sounds just like a wildly successful, ultra-competitive entrepreneur, doesn’t it, to give an entire business to his inexperienced inamorata, so that she can play make-believe at the office all day, while he adds a red mark in the “failures” column of his imperial spreadsheet?

in “Fifty Shades of Late Capitalism,” Heather Havrilevsky does a close-read of how money works in our old friend the Fifty Shades of Grey series, for the Baffler. It is hilarious and ALMOST makes me want to read those devil books. Almost.

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Who has two thumbs and hates Jedi?

When one of the other Uproxx crew showed me this Variety story about a villain — likely a Sith — in Star Wars: Episode VII being played by Emmy-nominated Girls co-star and Marine veteran Adam Driver, I had a predictably excited reaction:

HBO

MOVE ASIDE, EASEL. THE INTERNET MUST KNOW.

Sources tell Variety that while no deal is done yet, the “Girls” actor is close to signing on to play the villain in J.J. Abrams’ Star Wars: Episode VII. Exact details are unknown, but the character is said to be in the vein of iconic Star Wars villain Darth Vader. [...] The delay in making a decision was due to scheduling issues with Star Wars and his HBO show Girls. Sources say it’s not just Season 4 that was the hangup, but also future seasons, since future Star Wars installments could also coincide with upcoming seasons of the HBO Lena Dunham comedy. Sources are now telling Variety that scheduling issues have been resolved and that a deal should be finalized in the coming days.

This wasn’t the first we heard of Adam Driver being up for a part. We reported on Driver, Michael Fassbender, and Hugo Weaving having meetings with J.J. Abrams last month. The only new castmember besides Driver who seems to be close to being officially on board the Star Wars gravy train is Jack Reynor. Star Wars: Episode VII opens December 18th, 2015.

The problem that needs to be fixed is not kick all the girls out of YA, it’s teach boys that stories featuring female protagonists or written by female authors also apply to them. Boys fall in love. Boys want to be important. Boys have hopes and fears and dreams and ambitions. What boys also have is a sexist society in which they are belittled for “liking girl stuff.” Male is neutral, female is specific.

I heard someone mention that Sarah Rees Brennan’s THE DEMON’S LEXICON would be great for boys, but they’d never read it with that cover. Friends, then the problem is NOT with the book. It’s with the society that’s raising that boy. It’s with the community who inculcated that boy with the idea that he can’t read a book with an attractive guy on the cover.

Here’s how we solve the OMG SO MANY GIRLS IN YA problem: quit treating women like secondary appendages. Quit treating women’s art like it’s a niche, novelty creation only for girls. Quit teaching boys to fear the feminine, quit insisting that it’s a hardship for men to have to relate to anything that doesn’t specifically cater to them.

Because if I can watch Raiders of the Lost Ark and want to grow up to be an archaeologist, there’s no reason at all that a boy shouldn’t be able to read THE DEMON’S LEXICON with its cover on. My friends, sexism doesn’t just hurt women, and our young men’s abysmal rate of attraction to literacy is the proof of it.

If you want to fix the male literary crisis, here’s your solution:

Become a feminist.

To quote the livetweeter herself, Laurie Kilmartin has been surrounding her dad with “love and sarcasm.” Mr. Kilmartin was recently admitted to a hospice and only has so much time left to live, because f*ck cancer, or more specifically, f*ck lung cancer. Laurie, a writer for Conan who recently appeared on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast, has been updating her Twitter followers about her stay in the hospice, not because she’s looking for sympathy, but because she’d probably go crazy if she couldn’t make dick jokes.

Here’s a sample of some of her tweets:

Via Laurie Kilmartin

“E! and NBC are both part of the NBCUniversal family” so E! Online has gotten their hands on all of the front pages of the two fake Pawnee, Indiana newspapers — The Pawnee Journal and its tabloid cousin the Pawnee Sun  — used throughout the run of Parks and Recreation. Hardcore fans will remember the majority of these storylines but the the close up detail is something to help get us all to Thursday night when Parks – FINALLY — returns.

Bonus points to anyone who can name every episode. I’m so mad at myself for forgetting how awesome the 18 year-old mayor Ben Wyatt side by side is. I think that kid OD’d on calzones.

Check out even more here, but after this last one I think you’ll want to scroll down and give a listen.

E! Online via Parks & Rec Tumblr

From Drinks

[Photographs: Nick Caruana]

Often overshadowed by its more popular brother, the Boulevardier, this simple cocktail featuring whiskey, Campari, and dry vermouth is worth getting to know a little better.

Harry MacElhone is credited as the first to publish the Old Pal. Born in Ireland, but tending bar in New York, Harry returned to Europe when the war broke out. In 1922, he started working at the New York Bar in Paris, and within a year he had taken over and changed the name to Harry's New York Bar. Throughout the years, Harry played host to a number of famous guests, including Ernest Hemingway and Coco Chanel.

MacElhone also wrote two popular cocktail books. The first, Harry's ABC of Mixing Cocktails, was published in 1919 and was revised annually for a number of years. It's actually still in print. Many attribute the first appearance of Old Pal to the 1922 edition of this book. But I'm not so sure.

The 2011 edition on my shelf does indeed include the Old Pal, with the recipe calling for equal parts Canadian whisky, Campari and dry vermouth. The book credits the drink to a sports writer by the name of "Sparrow" Robinson, a man who was known to call even those he'd just met, "old pal".

Only one problem: the book dates the drink to 1929, and the introduction by Harry's great-grandson, Franz-Arthur MacElhone, claims that Sparrow first came to Harry's bar in 1925.

Barflies and Cocktails, reprint of 1927 edition

The Old Pal comes up in Harry MacElhone's next book, Barflies and Cocktails, published in 1927. While not among the main recipes, our pal can be found in the 'Cocktails Round Town' section in the back. Written by MacElhone's friend, a publisher by the name of Arthur Moss, this epilogue features recipes from some of the bar's most notable patrons (and also includes what is believed to be the first mention of the Boulevardier). In it Moss states:

I remember way back in 1878, on the 30th of February to be exact, when the Writer was discussing this subject with my old pal "Sparrow" Robertson and he said to yours truly, "get away with that stuff, my old pal, here's the drink I invented when I fired the pistol the first time at the old Powderhall foot races and you can't go wrong if you put a bet down on 1/3 Canadian Club, 1/3 Eyetalian Vermouth, and 1/3 Campari," and then he told the Writer that he would dedicate this cocktail to me and call it, My Old Pal."

So now what? Is it French (dry) or "Eyetalian" (sweet) vermouth? Was it 1922, 1927 or 1878? Is his name Robinson or Robertson? And when did February have 30 days in it?!?!

After exhaustively searching for copies of the 1922 edition of Harry's ABC and even awkwardly trying to get in touch with Isabelle MacElhone, current owner of Harry's Bar, I was left scratching my head. Lucky for me, cocktail historian David Wondrich came to the rescue.

Wondrich just happens to own both the 1919 and 1929 editions of Harry's ABC of Mixing Cocktails and confirms that while not in the 1919 edition, Old Pal is definitely in the 1929 edition, and it calls for dry, not Italian sweet vermouth.

During our exchange, Wondrich also brought up an important point in dating this drink. The main portion of the 1927 edition of Barflies and Cocktails was an exact reprint of the then-current edition of Harry's ABC. Since Old Pal was only included in the appendix written by Arthur Moss, the drink couldn't have been in the most recent edition of Harry's ABC, which means it probably wasn't in the 1922 edition.

It's likely Old Pal first appeared in the appendix of Barflies and Cocktails in 1927. It's possible that the 'Eyetalian' reference was a joke, but if not, this means that the original Old Pal was made with sweet, not dry vermouth. By 1929 the vermouth was swapped to the French style (dry) used in all subsequent recipes. And perhaps 1929 was the year Old Pal first appeared in Harry's ABC.

So where the heck did 1922 come from anyway? It could be because many often mistakenly say that 1922 was the first edition of Harry's ABC, since that was his first year at the bar in Paris. Perhaps readers of later editions were assuming that it had appeared in the first edition. And, as we all know, statements on the internet can spread like wildfire, whether they are true or not.

Whew, after all that, it's time for a drink...

The Classic:

Old Pal

While Arthur Moss's note in Barflies and Cocktails calls for Canadian Club in the Old Pal, most recipes surfacing after Prohibition ditch the Canadian whisky in favor of equal parts American rye, Campari, and dry vermouth. Compared to the Boulevardier, which uses bourbon and sweet vermouth, Old Pal is a bit drier and lighter, with a nice peppery spice from the rye.

It's a magical drink, scented with lemon and full of bitter orange and quinine flavors. The dry vermouth helps lengthen the drink and tone down the more-dominant Campari and whiskey. One warning: if this is one of your first experiences with Campari, Old Pal may be a bit much for you.

Get the Old Pal recipe »

The Variation:

New Friend

I'll be honest: it took me a long time to "develop my palate" enough to appreciate the Old Pal. It's also been hit or miss among friends as well, which left me wondering: How can I make something Old Pal-esque that might appeal to a broader audience?

Here's what I came up with: Keep the rye, but use something lower proof like Old Overholt or Templeton (both are 80 proof). Swap in Campari's kid brother, Aperol, and ditch the dry vermouth for delicious Cocchi Americano. I call this one New Friend because I'm sure you two will get along swimmingly.

This one still has scent of dry citrus and spice, but the total affect is a bit less intense. The Aperol brings juicy accents of orange and rhubarb, while the Cocchi Americano slips in to balance it all out and beef up the bitters section of this trio.

Get the New Friend recipe »

About the author: Nick Caruana is the author of The Straight Up, where he shares his love of classic and modern cocktails, including a slight obsession with whiskey, bitters and amari. Stalk him on Twitter @The_Straight_Up, Facebook, and other social media outlets.

Recipes!

• New Friend
• Old Pal

Some say that the French can be very narrow in their definitions of things, which is why traditional French cuisine can be so simple, yet spectacular; because the classics don’t get messed with. Other cuisines, however, do get modified to local tastes, like les brochettes de bœuf-fromage, or beef skewers with cheese, at les sushis restaurants, popcorn available as salty or sweet (!?), and while sandwiches stuffed with French fries may be a sandwich américain, I can’t say I’ve ever seen one in Amérique.

Americans spend a fair amount of time defending certain dishes, and some things are (or should be) rightly forbidden, like raisins in cole slaw and dried fruit in bagels, and others are debatable, like beans in chili, sugar or honey in cornbread. (But it’s okay to stop with those football-sized croissants.)

Continue Reading Red Wine Poached Pear Tart...

Via AzizIsBored

UPROXX favorite Aziz Ansari is celebrating his 31st birthday today, so of course some sort of acknowledgment is in order. Besides bringing weekly joy to the masses on Parks and Recreation, he’s a terrific stand-up currently in the middle of a sold-out tour, and has a reputation for being one of the nicest people in show business.

Next to his comedic prowess, Aziz has more hip-hop cred than any other comedian going — sorry, Donald Glover. (The man appeared in the “Otis” video!) Here are five of his most swagged out hip-hop moments.

1. Inventing new slang

Keeping up with the amount of new slang churned out by the hip-hop world can be a daunting task. And it’s a safe bet that Two Chainz is never going to top Tom Haverford’s slang for “forks.”

2. Being photoshopped onto nearly every classic hip-hop album ever

It’s common knowledge that Aziz is a huge fan of hip-hop, but little did the world know that he was responsible for most of hip-hop’s greatest albums under the name Emceez Ansari.

Via Emceez Ansari

3. The 50 Cent grapefruit story

As long as mankind continues to exist, there will never be a more entertaining story about 50 Cent or grapefruit.

4. Swagger Coach

“I change people’s lives, that’s what I do.” — Swagger Coach Taavon.

Via MTV tumblr

5. Kanye hangs out with his parents

Aziz may not have his own vodka (yet) but getting Kanye to pose for a photo with you and your parents is about the most baller thing possible.

Via Twitter

I don’t know what Aziz plans on doing for his birthday, but I like to think it involves yacht party with Jay, Kanye, and Jerry Gergich.

A couple of days ago some genius started an Ask Reddit thread entitled, “If you could sum up your first sexual experience in a SFW gif, what would it be?” Some many GIFs, so many different first sexual experiences. Check the whole thing out here, but first several of my favorites presented without context because hopefully they’re all pretty self-explanatory for us non-virgins. *self high five*

r/AskReddit via Jezebel

UPDATE: According to Brian Windhorst at ESPN, LeBron’s reps have already denied the report. So… uh, never mind, I guess.

As UPROXX’s resident expert in the field of talent-swapping basketball movies starring NBA Superstars, I feel it is my duty to bring this to your attention.

Broadcasting veteran Dick Ebersol‘s sons have come on board to develop the sequel to 1996 animated/live-action hit Space Jam as a starring vehicle for [LeBron] James, the Miami Heat Miami Heat star who broke his nose during last night’s game against the Oklahoma City when the Thunder’s Serge Ibaka got him in the face after a dunk.

Another Space Jam film? Why not? The first film, which broke ground for Warner Bros and starred then-Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan and a slew of other top NBA players, ended up grossing $230M worldwide for the studio and even launched a kids TV series. [Deadline]

Now, there’s also this…

… as well as the possibility that this could end up being a travesty that takes my childhood and throws it headfirst into a canyon. But this is not the time for that kind of talk. Not yet at least. Fingers crossed for Michael Jordan as the inept owner of the Tune Squad who ran the franchise into the ground, thus necessitating the presence of LeBron James. That, and a sequel to “Hit ‘Em High.” I don’t ask for much.

This t-shirt makes me happy. (via Etsy, spied via RecipeGirl)

I'm featured in this article about the Pillsbury Bake-Off in Philadelphia Magazine!

You knew I went to the Bake-Off, right?

Commercial cookie mix hacks: interesting.

Whitman's versus Russel Stover: relevant, even after Valentine's Day.

Buttermilk red velvet doughnuts.

Ice cream sandwiches! Made with crackers! My mind is blown.

How to make flavored and colored sugar.

Just look at this hot chocolate.

It's always the right time for brownie pops.

Five things not to put in a bacon bowl.

Remember that time I went to Paris and visited a patisserie in each arondissement?

Yumsies: mango sticky rice, a Thai sweet.

A poster on Reddit asks: What are two events that took place in the same time in history but don't seem like they would have? A few of my favorite answers (from this thread and a previous one):

When pilgrims were landing on Plymouth Rock, you could already visit what is now Santa Fe, New Mexico to stay at a hotel, eat at a restaurant and buy Native American silver.

Prisoners began to arrive to Auschwitz a few days after McDonald's was founded.

The first wagon train of the Oregon Trail heads out the same year the fax machine is invented.

Nintendo was founded in 1888. Jack the Ripper was on the loose in 1888.

1912 saw the maiden voyage of the Titanic as well as the birth of vitamins, x-ray crystallography, and MDMA.

1971: The year in which America drove a lunar buggy on the moon and Switzerland gave women the vote.

NASA's Gemini program was winding down at the same time as plate tectonics, as we know it today, was becoming refined and accepted by the scientific community.

Spain was still a fascist dictatorship when Microsoft was founded.

There were no classes in calculus in Harvard's curriculum for the first few years because calculus hadn't been discovered yet.

Two empires [Roman & Ottoman] spanned the entire gap from Jesus to Babe Ruth.

When the pyramids were being built, there were still woolly mammoths.

The last use of the guillotine was in France the same year Star Wars came out.

Oxford University was over 300 years old when the Aztec Empire was founded.

Related: true facts that sound made up, timeline twins, and the Great Span.