SpinnyNuNu

Via her Twitter thread.

"For the time being, we really do need to exclude all visitors, including partners, for women admitted in labor," a chief of obstetrics doctor said.

When the governor calls for a halt to all "non life-sustaining" businesses - including construction and contracting - and your only bathroom looks like this... what do you do?

The answer is in the Reddit discussion thread.

With his silver beard and folksy charm, the Grammy winner excelled as a musical stylist for more than six decades.

Gov. Gavin Newsom issued a stay-at-home order for the state of California amid the novel coronavirus outbreak. The order, which went into effect Thursday evening, asks Californians to stay at home except for essential needs. Here’s what that means:

Sometimes it's necessary to log off.

I can't wait for this guy to learn about summer vacation...

Credit, via.

As the spread of the coronavirus continues to affect the livelihood of people around the country, one landlord is choosing to help out his tenants the best way possible.

Most California schools will likely remain closed for the rest of the school year because of the new coronavirus, Gov. Gavin Newsom said Tuesday.

Remember the ‘Saved by the Bell’ when Zack Morris was an egomaniacal rock star? Zack Morris is trash. 

The Forum is packed! Casey Kasem interviews Zack Morris backstage about rock stardom. Zack’s thrilled to be skipping school with a never-ending supply of young women to take advantage of. The rest of the gang is in the band, too. (Friends forever!) Yeah, we’ll see.

Now back to where it all started for some reason. (We’ll be friends forev—) That’s enough of that. The band sounds fine, despite Zack. And Casey Kasem’s in the garage too? Sure. Why not.

Brian Fate, a record producer who certainly exists, was jogging by and heard their song. He wants to sign them! Brian’s other teen band recently broke up as show business destroyed their friendship and lives. Zack sees no issue trusting this sweaty garage invader.

(Thought we’d always be togeth—) No thanks. The rest of the band carries Zack who brings nothing to the table except an unwavering commitment to be sub-average.

When they get studio time any group would kill for, Zack’s distracted by the first lady he sees.

The band’s named “Zack Attack” because Zack is an egomaniac who is also bad at band names. Their publicist Mindy says they sold five million copies of their horse balls melodies. But are they still friends? (yes friends first nothing ever between us) Yeah, we’ll see. Zack hits on Mindy in front of everyone while she’s at work.

Michael Jorckson and Madoona award Zack Attack some award. Everyone makes heartfelt speeches thanking friends and family. Zack uses this time to creep on Mindy and )thank... (Everyone for listening to my music. I mean our music) Smooth.

Lisa designed new costumes for the group! Mindy got a real designer to handle wardrobe. Zack bails on his childhood friend for a woman he met at breakfast. Mindy tells Zack he’s a star who won’t need those losers soon. Zack wonders how soon.

Zack distributes a song he co-wrote with Mindy. The band’s confused. Mindy isn’t a member or a write? Kelly, Slater and Screech wrote a song. Maybe let’s try that? Mindy farts about it.

They do their song. It has potential! Zack scoffs with Mindy then tells them to get with the program.

Despite being disrespected, the band does their best effort to polish the musical turd they’ve been handed. As the press reports on a growing divide, Zack furiously demands to know who’s been using their first amendment rights to tell the truth. Then has the nerve to say this to the saints who tolerate his daily mission to waste oxygen. (She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.)

Brian urges them to pause and go play their biggest concert ever in five minutes, but Zack keeps picking at this open wound then shamelessly asks for validation that he’s a good person. (You’ve changed, Zack. She’s right) She’s wrong, he’s always been a dicksicle.

Zack reflects on his trusted friends presenting a harsh reality. For half a second. Then abandons them at showtime and says they’ll fail without him.

Mindy does make Zack a star. A cartoon dancing monkey doofus of a star. (You couldn’t even hear a word I sang) Sounds like an improvement.

Zack hears Slater, now a racecar driver, was hospitalized! Zack suddenly decides he’s ready to be a friend again if it means he can quit another job.

Zack marches into Slater’s hospital room in sunglasses, a sequined blazer, and zero shirt to say he’s no longer a man who makes bad choices. Zack phones in an apology nobody buys, leaving Screech to rebuild his burnt bridges.

There’s a shameless money grab reunion tour. The final page of Zack’s scumbag musician playbook. The concert is fine. Or it would be if it ever happened. This whole thing was just a dream in Zack’s bland blonde brain. So even in his wildest fantasies he’s a miserable failure who ruins the lives of those closest to him.

Let’s review.

Zack Morris put his friendship in the hands of a man who says he destroys friendships. Then named their band after an STD you get on Spring Break and sexually harassed his publicist into a relationship. And took all the credit for their success before turning his back on his closest allies for a pair of butt cheeks. After he couldn’t bully them into silence, Zack deserted his friends when they needed him most. And couldn’t stick the landing on his embarrassing solo career. And couldn’t even take the time to put a shirt on for his apology. Plus he made us sit through a fucking dream episode? Unforgivable. Zack Morris is trash.

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Check out Funny Or Die’s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: https://amzn.to/2De3olY

Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: https://goo.gl/dXVC3a and official Saved by the Bell merch: https://goo.gl/cM2P6i

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Actor/ Writer/ Editor Dashiell Driscoll

Intro Singer Jason Flowers

Post Supervisor Cody Pereira

Romney's office framed the proposals as a way to ensure economic stability for working Americans.

Subscribe now: https://fakescience.substack.com/

I think this graphic is worth sharing.  I used to give lectures on toxic gas inhalation; it's surprising how many incidents occur not in industrial settings, but in urban bathrooms or kitchens when a mixture of chemical products are poured into a dirty toilet or plugged sink.

Want the maximum flavor? Try this.

President Donald Trump called on the country to pray Sunday as the coronavirus has continued to spread.

This Christian's rejection of science is going to get people killed.

Social media is ablaze with concern over whether the 98-year-old actress is healthy during the coronavirus outbreak.

The conspiracy theorist was booked into a Texas jail shortly after midnight and was later released on bond.

In this "immortal quatrain," Dorothy Parker explained that her limit was two:

“I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host.” 

I wish we could resurrect Dorothy Parker.  She was a widely quoted author in the 1920s, known for her wit.  A collection of her work was released in the United States in 1944 under the title The Portable Dorothy Parker.  Parker's is one of only three of the Portable series (the other two being William Shakespeare and The Bible) to remain continuously in print."  I'm sure she would have some choice words to offer regarding the current situation in the U.S.  Here are some of her famous quotes:

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

“What fresh hell is this?”

“Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa.”

“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”

“I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen.”

“So, you're the man who can't spell 'fuck.'" (Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced Mailer to replace the word with a euphemism, 'fug,' in "The Naked and the Dead.”) Addendum: Note this is possibly a misattribution, perhaps said by Tallulah Bankhead (hat tip to reader Michael Skeet).

“Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.”

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

For her epitaph, she suggested 'Excuse my dust.'  Ironically "her ashes remained unclaimed in various places, including her attorney Paul O'Dwyer's filing cabinet, for approximately 17 years."  I've requested The Portable Dorothy Parker from the library.

Reposted from 2012 to provide some levity in the midst of pandemic and political news.  I would add, however, that however witty her epigrammatic quotes are, the collected poetry is mostly morose, suitable primarily for an emo book club.

Addendum:  Here's a link for the Dorothy Parker Society.

Addendum:  As reported by NPR:

Dorothy Parker died in 1967 at the age of 73. She left no family and directed that her estate and any future royalties go to a man she had never met but admired, The Reverend Martin Luther King; and on his death, to the NAACP. 

She designated that her friend, the playwright Lillian Hellmann, be her literary executor. But Lillian Hellmann thought that Dr. King was a pompous stuffed shirt, and she didn't think much of the NAACP. 

Seemingly out of spite, [Hellmann] made it difficult for those who wanted to reprint Dorothy Parker's poems or turn her works into plays and movies. 

Marion Meade has written about the saga of Dorothy Parker and Lillian Hellmann in the April-May issue of Book Forum magazine. She joins us from our studios in New York... [continues at the link]

Reposted again to highlight the "What fresh hell is this" sentiment. 

The family had been told numerous times that self-quarantine is necessary as health officials continue to investigate the woman's case.

"The tree of life just got another major branch. Researchers recently found a certain rare and mysterious microbe called a hemimastigote in a clump of Nova Scotian soil. Their subsequent analysis of its DNA revealed that it was neither animal, plant, fungus nor any recognized type of protozoan — that it in fact fell far outside any of the known large categories for classifying complex forms of life (eukaryotes). Instead, this flagella-waving oddball stands as the first member of its own “supra-kingdom” group, which probably peeled away from the other big branches of life at least a billion years ago."

More at Quanta magazine.

Imagine being such an awful boss that someone literally wrote a song about it

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We’ve all had our fair share of awful jobs, and the list of reasons why a job could suck ass is probably thirty miles long. However, more often than not the source of the suckage boils down to one thing: a terrible boss. Having a boss that’s just the worst is such a common experience that it’s pretty regularly been the entire plotline for TV shows (looking at you, The Office) and movies — like the one literally called Horrible Bosses. Unlike in the movies, though, most people can’t plan elaborate schemes to rid themselves of the shitty bosses that plague them once and for all. Partially because who even has the time for that, mostly because nobody wants to get fired. Or, y’know, go to prison.

So if you’re one of the poor souls whose workplace is run by a malevolent force sent from hell’s upper management to ruin your life, those fantasies about kicking down their office door, flipping their desk over, and yelling, “SUCK A DICK, GERALD, I QUIT,” are probably going to have to remain just that — fantasies.

There is one brave hero among us, however. There is one man, one shining beacon of justice, who has done what others have only dreamed of, and slain his corporate dragon.

Anesti Danelis is a comedian, musician, champion of man, and, at one time, a barista. Danelis enjoyed being a barista, he liked his coworkers, he liked his customers, and he confirms all of this in his own words. He did not like his manager, though, because —I’m paraphrasing here— his manager was a giant turd. And when Danelis got a new job, he bid his manager farewell in a way that really made his feelings clear.

With a song!

On his last day, Anesti Danelis brought his guitar into the Starbucks he’d just quit from and serenaded the customers and his former coworkers with a song he’d prepared specially for his manager.

It’s got the catchiest hook! It goes a little something like,

“Fuck this, I quit.”

Hospital staff dressed the newborns in hand-knitted frog costumes that had everyone leaping for joy.

The defense team of Joseph DeAngelo has verified that the accused murderer has offered to plead guilty to the charges against him if he could get a lifetime sentence.

Medical debt can make the mailbox frightening, but these recipients were shocked to find yellow envelopes inside with "RIP Medical Debt" on the front.

Pearls Before Swine

Okay but when is Stephen going to moderate a debate

The two Democrats in the race to become president and save us from the horror that is The Don whose agenda could most succinctly be boiled down to, “Eat the rich,” are of course, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren.

And we love that.

Senator Warren has made it crystal clear since the get-go that she plans on taxing the wealthiest of the wealthy in order to fund things like healthcare, education, and other services that us poor-folk keep annoyingly saying are “essential” and “basic human rights” and all that nonsense. But Stephen Colbert had another question for the candidate — how well does she actually know these billionaires that she plans on taking a crumb of money from for the betterment of the nation? So, to answer this burning question once and for all, Colbert challenged her to a lightning round of...

Guess!

That!

Billionaire!

Colbert served up clues about each billionaire pictured and Warren had to try and identify which corporate overlord he was describing as fast as possible.

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Shockingly she wasn’t able to figure out one of the wealthy elite, Scrooge McDuck. But to be fair, Stephen Colbert did leave out his most important attribute — “He doesn’t wear pants!”

Check out the full segment featuring Elizabeth Warren below.

Once again, dogs are so good

Long weekends are great, but trying to get back into the weekday swing of things after a precious Monday off can be pretty difficult. I’ve probably doubled my regular caffeine intake and this day has felt like it’s thirty years long. If I could describe my mood in one word right now it would be, “Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

If you’re in the same boat and can’t shake that tired, sluggish, wishing-your-office-would-be-struck-by-a-meteor feeling, I’ve discovered a cure. Drugs! Just kidding, don’t do drugs at work.

(You can do a bit of drugs at work)

Getting back on track here, this, my friends, is guaranteed to give you that little extra boost to get through the rest of the day, maybe even the week. Are you ready? You’re not ready, but here it is.

It’s a dog.

In a bowtie.

Playing the piano.

Life-changing.

His name is Buddy Mercury and not to be dramatic but I would lay down my life for this magnificent beast. And as if a single video of a hound throwing his head back and howling while he plays the piano isn’t already enough to turn your day around, there’s more. Buddy Mercury has an entire channel with, I shit you not, one-hundred-and-three videos. (I counted)

Someone please give him a Grammy. Maybe even a Nobel Prize.

THE LOYALTY

We all know the saying, “Dogs are man’s best friend,” but how far will they really go for us?

My 100-pound German shepherd got spooked by a rabbit in a bush one day and booked it down the forest path before I had time to say, “Hey dingus it’s just a bunny,” so it’s a safe assumption that he isn’t going to protect me in the event of any life-or-death situations.

It’s fine, Zeppelin, I forgive you.

The furry companion of one boy, however, has proven that he really is man’s (or young boy’s) best friend through thick and thin.

Peyton Smith got into a bit of a tiff with his 3-year-old sister (hey man, we’ve all been there) and unfortunately actions have consequences, so his mom and jailer, Jillian Smith gave him the choice between going to his room or serving a time-out sentence. Peyton chose the time-out, and went to the designated time-out serving spot, but he wasn’t alone for long.

It only took a few minutes before the family’s English mastiff, Dash, joined his small, incarcerated friend.

Look at that face!! That is a face of true solidarity. I feel like they need some morose old-timey harmonica tunes in the background while they serve their time.

This is real loyalty.