Shared posts

04 Apr 20:05

We Get Some Long Overdue Eliza Dushku Action In The First Promo For The Saint Reboot

by Jill Pantozzi

Adam Rayner (Remember him from “The Unicorn and the Wasp” episode of Doctor Who?) stars as Simon Templar in The Saint remake/reboot. IMDB lists the project as a TV movie but all previous reports point to a series. That’s contingent on the pilot being successful of course. At this point I’m just giddy I get to see Eliza Dushku kicking butt on my TV again. When she was cast I was almost certain they’d utilize her mad skillz. Glad they have.

Are you following The Mary Sue on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest, & Google +?

04 Apr 18:32

Bigotry Unleashed

by Not Always Right
Kristen

Delightful!

Restaurant | Yonkers, NY, USA

(A gay couple has just met up in the restaurant and kissed each other upon arrival. Another customer has seen this and is obviously angry.)

Angry Customer: “Damn f**s.”

Gay Man: “Excuse me?”

Angry Customer: “You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”

Gay Man: *quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”

Angry Customer: “Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”

(The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)

Angry Customer: *to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”

(Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)

Owner: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”

Wife: “Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”

Owner: “Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant; I gotta assume it’s your pet.”

(The angry customer storms out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)

30 Mar 21:02

The Right-Wing Disinformation Campaign Against Victoria's Secret

by Jenna Sauers
Kristen

Heard about this on the radio. WTF. Oh, Right Wing, how cute of you.

Click here to read The Right-Wing Disinformation Campaign Against Victoria's Secret Maybe you have heard recently that Victoria's Secret is under fire for starting a line of sexy lingerie for pre-teens. Maybe you were one of the nearly 40,000 people to sign a petition against this "line," or maybe you just read about that petition in the Telegraph, the New York Daily News, or the New York Times. Maybe you felt an upwelling of feminist pique at the thought of the sexualization of young girls for corporate gain. More »


30 Mar 19:34

The Autoline

by mark
Kristen

YES. One day I might need this.

To find the best deal when buying a new car I use The Autoline. I can’t recommend them highly enough. For $200 they will find the car you want (or recommend the car you should buy based on your budget and requirements) and call you back with the best no-haggle price they can find. (They also do leases.) I’ve used them four times now and am very happy with the results. Each time they’ve arranged for dealer to deliver the car to my house, so I never have to set foot in the dealership or hassle with the guy who pressures you to buy useless “clear coat” and other pure profit add-ons.

Don’t be put off by their 1993-style website — all business is conducted by phone and email.

UPDATE: I just remembered that I interviewed Patrick Schallert of The Autoline for Credit.com a few years ago.

-- Mark Frauenfelder

The Autoline
800-697-9776
$200 per vehicle purchased or leased

30 Mar 19:27

Here comes the troll

by Kerry
Kristen

Hilarious. Truthfully though, the troll has a point: Put your address under high security on the internet!

Bill from Florida and his bride, Mara, both electrical engineering majors, decided to infuse their passion for their field into their “Circuit and Swirls”-themed wedding, complete with invitations featuring actual LED-running circuits. In the DIY spirit of things, Bill posted a video and a how-to guide on his blog. (So far, so good.)

A month or so later, after Bill and Mara returned from their honeymoon, they found this handwritten manifesto — excuse me, concerned warning — in their mailbox. (Because apparently plain ol’ Internet bile-spewing via, you know, the Internet would have been a little bit too passive.)

Dear Bill and Mara, Hi there. My name is Andrew and I’m from the Internet. I came across y’all (and what appears to be y’all’s address) from a post on Wedinator. Looks like Bill posted this one himself…shocker. I’d like to point out early on here that I mean you no harm—but there are idiots on the internet who might. Moral of the story? Don’t put your home address on the internet. P.S.: ads on your videos about your wedding crap? Kindy trashy. Sure didn’t notice these until y’all started getting views in the thousands.  So, the fancy blinky invitations? Pretty cool, and kudos on the homebrew, but three words: OVER THE TOP. There is no call for this, it’s just for attention. Seriously.  Key Points:  How many people are going to keep and cherish these thing forever?  Seriously, No one cares about your damn wedding. Folks go to weddings for only a few reasons. Social obligations, food, Liquor. Looks like this is an expensive, extravagant shindig. How much did it cost? Who paid? Or financed? How many grocery trip, tanks of gas, or house down payments is that? Most people who have extravagant weddings could care less about actually getting married, they just want to be in a wedding.  You guys are really pretentious. Personal blogs are bad enough, but wedding/relationship websites are kind of disgusting.  Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Think about this: if you would be satisfied with a brief chapel wedding without guests and a road trip for a honeymoon, then you’re really ready to marry. GOOD LUCK.

related: Cloudy with a chance of hate mail

 

28 Mar 21:28

DIY Idea: Make Your Own Portable Camp Kitchen

Kristen

@MJ - YES. Yurts?

Spring is being a bit of a jerk this year, taking its sweet time to show up. In like lion, out like a slightly less cold but equally wet and windy lion. I've got a serious case of cabin fever this year - probably not worse than any other March, though it certainly seems so - and I'm spending my time planning all the stuff I'm going to do outside when the snow melts. … read more

28 Mar 17:50

When Professionals Aren’t: The PAX East Tomb Raider Cosplay Harassment Story

by Jill Pantozzi

Convention harassment is just an off-shoot of regular, old harassment but seeing it invade your “safe space” can be tough to stomach. And some people have had enough. At PAX East this past weekend, a journalist (I use that term loosely) decided to interview a group of Lara Croft  cosplayers at the new Tomb Raider video game booth. What followed was not a professional interview of fans but rather a chance to treat women in costume not as people, but as sex objects. The Mary Sue spoke with one of the cosplayers involved as well as PAX management about the situation – a situation we’re hearing about far too often these days. 

We were alerted to the situation the day it occurred, Saturday March 23rd at PAX East in Boston. Meagan Marie, Community & Communication Manager at Crystal Dynamics (developers of Tomb Raider), tweeted, “Had a member of the press use the ‘Cosplay is Consent’ argument on me after asking a sexual question on film to a group of Lara cosplayers.”

This caught our attention because of a situation that occurred at New York Comic Con 2012 in which Black Cat cosplayer Mandy Caruso was harassed during an interview. She related her story on Tumblr, and while she never named the media outlet, there was considerable outrage about her treatment at their hands.

So what exactly happened at PAX East? We spoke with Lauren Wizemann, one of the Lara cosplayers involved in the incident. A frequent cosplayer and convention attendee, Wizemann decided to do a more casual costume for PAX.

“At other conventions I have done more revealing costumes like Rogue, Emma Frost, Huntress, and Wonder Woman. I had always liked the Tomb Raider game, the comics and the movies. I had played the demo in SDCC this past summer and was just blown away by the graphics and just how incredible it was. I decided on Friday to wear khakis, a grey tank top and my official Tomb Raider necklace to the Tomb Raider panel.”

It was at that panel Marie encouraged Wizemann to don the costume again the next day because Crystal Dynamics would be holding a cosplay event at their booth. And so she did. Wizemann was joined by several other women, making them a group of 15-31 year-old Lara Crofts. She said, “The other Laras all wore khakis, combat boots, grey tanks, had a bow and did some blood makeup. I think we were all pretty excited.  We were taking pictures in the booth and then we moved out towards the walkway so that people walking by could see a group of Lara Crofts. We took more pictures and then this guy comes up and asks if he could ask a few questions. His partner had a more professional looking camera and so I think all of us just shrugged and said ok.”

Wizemann had been interviewed in the past and said everything seemed normal. That is, until the interviewer asked his first question, “How does it feel to  be at a convention where none of the men could please you?”

In a post on her Tumblr, Marie wrote, “I couldn’t hear what he said over the hubbub of the show floor, but the confused and uncomfortable looks from the ladies indicated that it wasn’t what they expected, to say the least.”

I moved in closer and inquired “Excuse me, what did you ask?” with a forced smile on my face, so to give him the benefit of the doubt. He laughed and didn’t respond, moving a few steps away as I repeated the question to the group of women. Turns out he’d probed what it felt like “knowing that none of the men in this room could please them in bed.” Yes, I’m aware it’s a poor adaptation of a gag told by a certain puppet dog with an affinity for insults. Lack of originally doesn’t excuse this behavior, however.

My anger flared upon hearing this, and for a moment I almost let it get the best of me. I attempted to calm myself down before walking towards him and the cameraman, and expressing that it was rude and unprofessional to assume that these young women were comfortable discussing sexual matters on camera. I intended to leave the conversation at that, but his subsequent response escalated matters quickly and clearly illustrated that this ran much deeper than a poor attempt at humor. He proceeded to tell me that “I was one of those oversensitive feminists” and that “the girls were dressing sexy, so they were asking for it.” Yes, he pulled the “cosplay is consent” card.

At this point, as he snaked off into the crowd muttering angrily at me, I was livid.

Yes, sadly we still live in an age where people try and excuse inexcusable behavior because of how someone is dressed. Wizemann said, “Honestly, I couldn’t think of a less sexualized costume at the event, but I suppose anything worn by a woman can be ‘sexualized.’ I’ve worn outfits that were completely spandex and ones that have shown a lot of skin and yet out of the hundreds of people I have interacted with, I don’t think anything like this had ever happened to me while I was cosplaying before.”

“The fact that something like this still occurs regularly at conventions makes me sick, and that people try to justify away the behavior,” Marie wrote on Facebook. “I went to PAX with PR. The positive side to this story is that they took the issue incredibly seriously, and were apologetic for his behavior,” she wrote, also saying they handled the issue “with flying colors.”

We reached out to PAX for a comment from their point of view. Robert Khoo, President of Penny Arcade, Inc. responded:

Our media guests are expected to behave in a professional manner, and it was clear to us this particular individual crossed that line. We got in touch with the outlet and the individual during the show, and that particular journalist is no longer welcome at PAX. We want everyone at PAX to feel welcome and comfortable, and that includes those that staff the booths.

It’s great to hear an unfortunate situation was dealt with swiftly but we have to ask – when will this type of behavior stop? For Wizemann, it came as a shock.

“I’m pretty sure my initial reaction was one of those stunned chuckles, but I think I was too caught off guard to be angry or upset at the moment,” she said. “It wasn’t until later when the shock wore off and analyzing what happened that I realized how messed up the whole thing was. I’ve been victimized before and none of the times have I ever reacted immediately. I don’t know if it’s the way I’m programmed to just smile and accept or if it’s just a fear of making a scene.”

In her extremely poignent Tumblr post, Marie touched on this particular behavior – something she isn’t immune to.

When it comes to defending others, I’m fierce. I’m assertive. And I will hold my ground. One of the cosplayers tweeted me to praise my bravery and say they wish they had the courage to stand up too. The truth is my bravery doesn’t run that deep. When it comes to defending myself I’m a rug that is walked over repeatedly. This has to stop.

Similar behavior has been directed at me for years. Back in 2007 at my very first GDC, I was starry-eyed and overwhelmed to be in the midst of so many people I idolized. So when a drunken CEO of a then-startup pointed to my midsection and said “I want to have my babies in there,” I laughed. I did the same next year when another developer told me that he “didn’t recognize me with my clothes on” after meeting me the night prior at a formal event (to which I wore a cocktail dress). The trend continued for years, and I took it silently each and every time.

This is something we see a lot, and something you may have experienced yourself – being able to stand up for others but failing when negative behavior is directed at you. “I know it took a lot of guts for her to do what she did. And to have one of my peers feel the need to protect me, it was unsettling,” Wizemann told us. “I felt very guilty and shameful because there were young women in our group and I couldn’t do anything about it. Granted, no one should have to experience that, but it’s worse when it’s a kid or a teenager who might not have the personal tools and experiences to handle it. The least I can do is talk about it and help raise awareness that this stuff happens.”

Marie is of the same mindset. “I’ve got hope for change even if it is motivated by fear. In a social economy where one unprofessional tweet can ruin a career, I feel like the few unsavory industry personalities are becoming more aware of their words. My line in the sand doesn’t end there, though. I’m going to start holding commenters accountable for their actions too, even if I can only do so on my social spaces,” she wrote. “The situation this weekend at PAX made me question why I’m willing to stand up for others, but not myself. By allowing myself to be treated this way I’m perpetuating that this behavior is acceptable. And it isn’t. If I continue to stand by silently, I might as well sit on the sidelines and watch while other young women endure what I have.”

Whether it’s joking about harassment in a comedy video to teach a lesson or simply speaking up when it happens to you, talking about it is the key to change. As far as journalists are concerned, it should go without saying you should ask interview participants if they are comfortable speaking about the topic you want to talk about.

“I want to feel safe and valued as a member of this industry, whether I’m conducting an interview, talking to fans on a convention floor, or cosplaying. And I have a right to that,” said Marie. “I’m not afraid anymore. I’m angry.”

(Top image via LJinto)

Previously in Tomb Raider

Are you following The Mary Sue on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest, & Google +?

27 Mar 13:10

I caught that dream I was chasing. Now what?

by Sylvia Hook
I got this awesome squirrel… now what? (Photo courtesy of PrideBites Squirrel PrideBite Dog Toy)

I got this awesome squirrel… now what? (Photo courtesy of PrideBites Squirrel PrideBite Dog Toy)

Have you ever seen a dog chasing a squirrel? Have you seen the look of surprise and bewilderment on the dog's face when it caught the squirrel it was chasing — almost by accident, it seems? Chasing a squirrel, or a dream, is fun. You're not risking a lot, because it's not like you'll actually catch it, right? But then you do… and suddenly you have this squirrel in your mouth, and you don't know what to do with it, except shake your head back and forth a bit and growl to assert that you really did it. You caught the shit out of that squirrel!

But now what? What do you do with this elusive concept of a squirrel, once you've finally caught it? Suddenly, it's real — and maybe you're no longer sure you want this squirrel. Maybe a different squirrel wouldn't be quite so big and scary?

When I was 12, I began co-editing a newsletter with my mom. Although she suggested this as a more appropriate use for my copyediting tendencies than, say, correcting my friends' emails, I wound up primarily handling the design and layout side of it, while she did most of the copyediting. And slowly, I fell in love. When I was 14, I decided I wanted to be a freelance graphic designer when I grew up.

Fast forward to 2011. My brother bought a farm (his dream), and asked me to help him with the visual identity — the first start-from-scratch visual identity project I ever did. He also encouraged me to start my own freelance graphic design business, helped my brainstorm names for my business, let me squat my website on his hosting plan, and offered to pay for my domain name. In short, he believed in me more than I believed in myself. Since then, he has referred clients to me, and continually encouraged me to follow this dream. Thanks to his help, I've more or less caught this squirrel dream.

But here's the thing: it's scary.

Between struggling with impostor syndrome and being afraid of my own success, it would be so much easier to curl up in a ball under the covers and wait for it all to go away, or at least get a steady paying job that doesn't involve being a small-business owner.

Even beyond that, when you get up close to a squirrel dream, you find out that it has teeth and claws its own drawbacks — such as complicated taxes, and keeping track of hours, and generally various shitty paperwork that needs to be done by someone, and that someone is you.

So, when I'm feeling overwhelmed by this dream I've caught (which, to be fair, is more often than not at this point), it's important that I take a step back and think about why I wanted to do this. And that "why" — because it lets me set my own hours, help other small local businesses, avoid "selling out" to a large corporation, and, most importantly, do what I love — is what keeps me going through the shitty paperwork. That, and remembering that I'd probably have shitty paperwork in any job, and at least most of this has a reason.

So go, chase your dreams, and if you catch them — growl a bit, shake your head back and forth, and then remind yourself why you were chasing them in the first place.

26 Mar 15:03

Ultimate Tutorials: How to Grow Magic Mushrooms

by mark

(Cool Tools is interested in learning about great online tutorials. If you know of one, please tell us about it!)

Magic mushrooms, which contain a psychedelic compound called psilocybin, have probably been ingested by people for thousands of years for a variety of reasons, including spiritual rituals and recreation. This 2009 article written by “Ganjaglutin” presents a step-by-step guide “for people who have never grown magic mushrooms before because it is a very reliable way to grow magic mushrooms.”

(Before you decide to grow magic mushrooms, check the legal status of Psilocybe cubensis in your locality. Wikipedia has an list of magic mushroom laws for different countries, but I can’t vouch for its accuracy.)

-- Mark Frauenfelder

How To Grow Magic Mushrooms

Sample Excerpts:

A quick description of the procedure

A substrate consisting of brown rice flour, vermiculite, and water that will feed and supply water to our magic mushrooms is sealed in ½ pint jars and sterilized in a pressure cooker, or boiling water. This is to kill anything that might endanger the mushrooms.

After the mushroom substrate has been sterilized and has cooled, mushroom spores are added to the substrate using a syringe full of spore solution. The spores germinate and colonize the entire jar full of substrate.

They are germinated at about 75-85 degrees F, in a dark place. The resulting ‘cakes’ are removed from the jars when fully colonized, and placed in a terrarium with temperatures between 75 and 80 degrees until mushrooms begin to grow from the cakes.

26 Mar 14:59

Honda Fit

by mark
Kristen

Oh, if only John Manning were here

I’ve been driving 4×4 trucks for over 30 years. The trade-off for the weight and truckiness being that I could pick up firewood, haul lumber and sacks of concrete, and go anywhere, any time. I spent 12 years 4-wheeling in Baja. Many trips to the American Southwest (always in spring). Three long trips to British Columbia, shooting pics for Builders of the Pacific Coast. 4-wheeling it across the river to my friend Louie’s house in Mendocino county. I’ve been a truck guy forever. The latest, for my last 10 years: a 2003 Toyota 4-cylinder, 5-speed Tacoma 4 X 4 with metal camper shell, pull-out canopy, all-time classic tough, dependable vehicle. 140,000 miles, good for another 140. Desert Roamer. (I may sell it, and get a beater truck for local hauls.)

But there came the time, several months ago, when I realized I was through with the long truck hauls, the 3,000-mile trips, and hauling the truck over the windy roads homewards from my weekly trips into San Francisco was a chore.

I embarked on a study of cars, and ended up settling on a Honda Fit. Other contenders (in this field of scaled-down, aerodynamic SUVs) were the Toyota Yaris Liftback, Mazda 2, Scion XD, Prius C model, VW Golf diesel. The Cube too cartoony, the Scion xB too boxy. I didn’t do extensive reviews, but in the end settled on the Fit largely because of its ingenious cargo space in the rear: 4 x 5 feet with rear seats folded down. 20 cubic feet of space vs. 15 for the other cars. 4 doors and a hatchback so you can get into the rear from all sides. Like a small truck bed. (I could get into my truck bed camper shell on all 3 sides.)

I wanted to see how the Fit did on curves, since a winding mountain road is about half of my driving. I talked salesman Murray Cherkas of San Francisco Honda into letting me take a Fit across the city and then down the winding block of Lombard Street, “crookedest street in the world.” I took the 8 hairpin turns fast, and the car behaved beautifully. Sold.

I picked up a Honda Fit Base model yesterday. OMG!! It made me think of driving a Beemer 2002 in the ’70s. The 2002 was different! Like a rabbit. And I guess things have come a long way, because this very efficient little car reminds me of that. Going from a truck to this car is like going from logging boots to running shoes. Like a 250 pound guy losing 60 pounds.

360-degree visibility, automatic windows, a USB connector (country boy with vacuum cleaner here). There are a dozen things that delight me about this car. Biggie is it isn’t as tiring as truck driving. With the Beamer, I could drive all day and arrive rested — er, we–l — not wasted.

With taxes, fees, everything, it was just under $18K. 3 years, or 36,000 miles, they’ll fix anything that goes wrong. Five years, they’ll fix a lot of things.

I’m in auto heaven. Can’t help it. California kid. Driving since age 14. As evil as it is, I like rollin down the road. Good music. Thoughts rolling in. Cruising country roads looking for barns, indigenous, tuned-in buildings of all types to photograph. Arriving rested when I drive somewhere on assignment. Easy parking. Twice as good mileage as truck.

Poppa’s got a brand new rig

-- Lloyd Kahn

Honda Fit
2013 Model
$18,000

Manufactured by Honda

21 Mar 01:45

How to keep your personal information private

by Jeanne Valjean
Kristen

As I'm currently getting farther away from a very personal, very scary potential stalker, I wish I had this post 3 months ago. Very helpful info.

By: Angelo DeSantisCC BY 2.0

Have you ever Googled yourself and found your name, birthdate, phone number, home address, and family members' names listed on a people search website? [Or even an Offbeat Empire blog comment?] Go on, try it.

If you have utility, internet, or cable bills in your name, they will lead to your home address. If you file a police report or go to court as either a plaintiff or defendant, you may get calls from personal injury lawyers; those records are public. If you own your residence in your own name, anyone can search property records to discover where you live.

I have been located via school records, utility bills, online retailers, magazine subscriptions, charities, friends' phone bills, and even tagged pictures. Hopefully, most of you will never face the level of harassment I've received, but taking basic privacy measures can also deter marketers, identity thieves, and other people you don't want to meet. Here's how…

Stop giving away your information

Your information is valuable. That is why Facebook and Google make fortunes from ad sales, and that is why data brokers, marketers, etc. want it. It is MUCH easier to keep your information out of a database in the first place than it is to successfully demand its removal.

How to get off people-search sites

Last year, this Reddit post listed the largest data brokers and how to remove your information. The poster is a lawyer with Abine — their DeleteMe service will remove your information for a fee.

SafeShepherd will also remove your information. Their premium membership is cheaper than Abine, and the basic membership is free.

If you are serious about removing as much information as possible from the internet, I strongly recommend Hiding from the Internet: Eliminating Personal Online Information by Michael Bazzell (an FBI agent specializing in cybercrime). This book is by far the most economical and thorough way to remove your information.

How to protect your phone number

I no longer give my actual phone number to anyone I don't know well. Instead, I give out a Google Voice number. If the wrong person gets it, I can quickly change it and give it to the few people who truly need to reach me.

If you are receiving unwanted calls (and don't have Android like Ariel does), I use and recommend Trapcall, which works with any cell phone. It's easy to use and very effective.

How to hide your home address

In 2009, I stopped accepting mail at home because my letter carrier was harassing me. Instead, I had everything sent to my work address, ten miles from the carrier's route.

Consider PO boxes, private mailboxes, and other alternate addresses. Are you active in your church or with a charity? Are you friendly with a local business owner? They might accept your mail if you ask nicely.

Since utility accounts are always associated with the physical address where they are used, having the bill sent to a PO box won't separate your name from your address. My utilities are in a housemate's name, but I eventually plan to put them under a nom de plume or business name.

If you must receive a delivery at home (e.g. large furniture), you might consider giving the delivery company an alternate name (and don't forget to sign the other name).

Look up your address on Google Street View. Does the picture show you, your kids, your vehicle? You can ask Google to blur the image.

What your online presence reveals about you

Consider having a separate email address for social media only — one that will not identify you. Employers, nosy neighbors, and stalkers who Google your "official" email address will then have a harder time finding whatever you've posted on the internet.

For added security, get a notsharingmy.info email address, associate it with your social media accounts, and forward it to an email account that does not identify you. (When I need a disposable email address — e.g. a onetime website registration — I use GuerrillaMail.com.)

If you share photos online, you may want to strip the EXIF data first, since it reveals exactly where and when the picture was taken. Resourceful stalkers know and use this.

Preventing other privacy leaks

Shred anything in your trash that is readable. Identity thieves, private investigators, nosy neighbors, and stalkers can learn a lot from what you throw away. Non-shreddable items like pill bottles can be tossed in a public trash can.

Anyone with a valid credit card can run your credit report. They will know where you've applied for an apartment, how much money you owe on your student loans, etc. Creepy, huh? I placed a freeze on my credit — no one can see my credit report or apply for credit in my name unless I contact a credit bureau and unfreeze it.

Is your vehicle registered to your home address? There are corrupt people with access to DMV records. Consider registering your vehicle to an alternate address if possible.

If you do not have a passport, get one. Like most people, I used to use my driver's license for ID — until a creepy security guard at a music club took a little too much interest in the home address on my license! Since my passport shows no address, it's the only form of ID I will show anyone who is not a traffic cop.

Further Reading

(I am not affiliated with any of these authors or with any of the services mentioned.)

17 Mar 16:35

#459: Do I have to destroy my health to be in grad school?

by Sweet Machine
Kristen

"the “gleeful masochism” of academia is in fact a profoundly ableist cultural norm"

Shared around the interwebs, but so good I had to make it my first share here.

I’m in grad school for creative writing. It’s hard. Right now, I’m taking three classes, which means that I’m reading 500-plus pages a week, in addition to commenting on my classmates’ writing and producing a poem every week. Plus, I’m teaching a basic composition course for struggling writers, and a literature course (for the first time ever), so I’m writing lesson plans and grading essays for nearly 60 students. AND I work ten hours a week to supplement my stipend enough to buy things like toiletries, books and the occasional beer on a Friday night. Also, I need to clean my apartment and do laundry and run errands sometimes. And in addition to all of THAT, I’m expected to participate in meetings, go to outside lectures, and attend all the readings by my classmates and visiting writers. And I WANT to, because oh my god I love school. School is the best thing ever. I work my ass off and I LOVE IT. This is not really about grad school.

Millay

What people think an MFA is like.

Except it kind of is. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which causes, among other things, crushing migraines and extreme fatigue. And there’s no cure for it, because ovaries, ew. Mostly, I manage. But there are days when I can barely drag myself around, and did I mention all the stuff I’m supposed to be doing? Sometimes I can’t do it all. Sometimes my whole body feels like a bag of wet sand that I’m not strong enough to lift. Sometimes I have to lie down and rest before I die. So I miss the reading, or the lecture, or the lunch meeting.

I apologized to a friend for missing her reading, and she ranted about how much it sucks that people don’t go to stuff. And the professors who went to everything and did everything and walked uphill in the snow both ways while carrying their dissertation on their backs give us VERY SERIOUS TALKS on why we must do everything. They mean well, but it hurts me. There’s a kind of gleeful masochism in grad school where being overworked and sleep-deprived is a point of pride. Long story short, I feel guilty, but also mad.

I don’t go around telling people about my health, because it’s personal. But I’ve built up a reputation as someone who’s dedicated and hardworking, and I’d hate to think people assume that I just can’t be bothered to show up to things. Do I woman up and tell people about my defective gonads? Tell them to fuck off? How do I balance my health needs with my need to be a good grad student?

Signed,

My Candle Burns at Both its Ends

Dear Lovely Light-Giver,

Sweet Machine, fellow MFA-survivor and chronic migraineur, reporting for duty. I have so much to say to you that I am not sure I know how to say it, but let me start by declaring, in the sincerest way, I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO

It sounds like you have your medical situation taken care of, in terms of having doctors and knowing your stuff, so I am going to ask one question and then shush: do you see a neurologist for your migraines? Even if you’re managing your PCOS through a ladybits doctor, a headache specialist might help. It took a while, but I have gone from basically having 3-4 migraine days a week to having maybe 1 (and some milder headache days), with the help of Big Pharma and my neurologist. Now that I’ve got that tidbit out of the way, I’m going to ask the Awkward Army to kindly refrain from making “have you tried this” suggestions in comments. There are two reasons: 1) That’s not what this letter is about, and 2) People with chronic illnesses or medical conditions usually have tried everything you can suggest. (See also: saying to fat people “Have you tried diet and exercise?” WHY YES. YES I HAVE. THANK YOU, DR OZ.)

Grad school.

What an MFA is really like.

So here is the thing about grad school, which I have completed (oh god) eight years of. Grad school is a black hole of selfhood. Grad school is a monster that wants to take every shred of your time and your identity and your well-being and store those shreds in a place you can’t access. Grad school will, if you let it, become your whole life and then demand more like it’s young scary/sexy Rutger Hauer. Grad school does not want you to be a person; it wants you to be a body in a seat in a lecture/reading/office/library chair, and it never wants to let you go.

I personify grad school because it’s really not that any one person wants you to sacrifice your self and sanity for this experience. Your profs are concerned with making events worthwhile for visiting speakers and such; your friend is upset that she’s expected to go to all these readings but not everyone showed up for hers; your students think you live in your office and sleep at your desk and love, beyond all reckoning, to grade their shitty essays. Individually, it’s all a bit much but based on the right things: passion, community, fairness. In toto, it’s a godawful nightmare of stress, which, oh hey, is a huge migraine trigger. And this all goes double for an arts degree, because it is Your Art and Your Passion and You Are So Lucky To Get To Do This and You Should Be Grateful.

Now, most grad students would really, really, really benefit from some kind of artificially enforced boundary that says “you get to stop working now [at 8:00 every night/on Saturdays/when it's time to watch more Buffy].” But you have an actually enforced boundary: your body’s needs. You have a chronic medical condition that, while manageable, means you need rest. This is a fact. Your body and your brain both need down time in order to function, and if you don’t take that time they will fucking well let you know about it. This is not you being lazy or weak or fragile; this is you having a trick knee and needing to take the elevator sometimes when you’d rather take the stairs. The secret is that everyone needs to take the elevator sometimes, but for people without a chronic illness, it’s usually a more visible situation: I broke my leg skiing and I need the elevator till the cast is off. For chronic and invisible illnesses, you need the elevator sometimes and no one but you knows why.

You say you’ve developed a reputation for being dedicated and hardworking, but you don’t sound like you believe it. I’d suggest that you start by trying to believe it! Start with that assumption and work forward. Think about yourself with the same kindness which you bestow on your friends and colleagues. If someone doesn’t come to a reading, is your first thought “What a dick,” or is your first thought, “Oh, I hope he doesn’t have the flu that’s going around”? Assume everyone is working on assumption #2. Now let’s think about specifics: your school probably has a disability services office of some kind. You may not think of your condition as a disability, which is fine, but the people who work there may be able to talk you through university policy about absences/substitute teachers/disclosure of information and the like. As for individual professors you work with, there are a few options. You are under no obligation to discuss your gonads, as you put it. But if you have a sympathetic advisor, you might tell them that you have a medical condition that means you get frequent migraines and need to rest regularly as part of your health management. You may find that people are more sympathetic than you expect. (My own version of this has kind of an epic back story involving ER trips and brain scans, but the short version is I didn’t know my constant headaches were migraines until a couple of years ago; I just thought I was a fucking wuss. When I got a proper diagnosis and realized that my “oh, it’s Wednesday” headache was most people’s “I might be having a stroke” headache, I felt way way better about saying “Hey, I have to rest today” and taking care of myself.) Of course, the simpler option is simply to say “I’m sick” when you need to skip something; it happens, everyone gets sick, and much as the black hole monster of grad school wants to deny it, you actually do get to stay home and rest when you’re sick.

I am rambling because I feel so passionately about this — the “gleeful masochism” of academia is in fact a profoundly ableist cultural norm. You can do grad school and practice your art and your craft and teach struggling students how to write without sacrificing yourself on the altar of Unstoppable Grad Student Who Can Do It All. You get to have a private life. You get to have a fallible body. You get to be an adult human being who can tell another adult human being, “I am sorry that I cannot attend this lecture, as I’m sick today.” You get to do all that and you still get to be a poet.

Sincerely,

Sweet Machine, MFA, PhD, D. Migraine Lore, M. Div. IBS recipes