I've debated writing this post for a little while now, but at this point I figure I've discussed everything from my OB-GYN visits to my bra size with you guys, so hey, why not?

[Note: Gentlemen, there is nothing in this post that speaks to your interests, unless of course your interests include a lady friend who suffers from menstrual cramps. You have been warned.]

So here's the deal: back when I last cosplayed as Lady Vadore, I was unfortunately right smack in the midst of my womanly miseries*. I've always struggled with severe cramps and PMS and all the joys that go with them, so you can imagine how I felt that morning when I crawled out of bed and contemplated the Dreaded Corset.

[*If you read that fast it looks like "womanly miniseries." Ha!]

I was already in pain, but I gritted my teeth, swallowed two Tylenol, and had John lace me in. (OOPH.) I did have him loosen it quite a bit, though.

Within minutes I was feeling much better, but of course I attributed that to the pain pills. 



That day I went about seven hours in costume, and I felt fantastic - no pain at all, even long after the Tylenol should have worn off. I was too distracted to think much of it, though, until we were packing up at the car to go home that evening. Since it's mighty uncomfortable to sit in a car that long laced in a tight corset, I swapped it out for a loose overshirt. 

Within approximately three minutes of removing the corset - perhaps sooner - it felt like a sledgehammer hit me right in the gut. I've never had such a sudden onset of menstrual pain in my life, as I literally went from feeling on top of the world to curling into a ball and sobbing in agony. 

Needless to say, this raised a few questions. Namely, does a corset stop cramps, and if so, how or why?

My internet research turned up lots of anecdotal evidence: plenty of ladies claiming corsets *do* stop or help cramps, but nothing more "official" or offering a medical explanation as to why. I also found a lot of links to scammy looking sites pimping something called a "premium beautiful corset" (yes, really) for menstrual pain. There was also a slightly less scammy-looking site selling a compression belt contraption for the same purpose, which seemed to support all the anecdotal evidence.

As to WHY a corset would relieve cramps, all I found were some dire-sounding warnings about corsets stopping menstrual bleeding all together, usually listed in articles bashing corsets as dangerous and unhealthy. On the other hand, there are just as many (if not more) sites defending regular corset-wear as perfectly healthy - assuming you wear them correctly, of course.

So, does compressing your uterus trigger it to stop shedding its lining, or does it alleviate the cramping for some other reason - maybe by just supporting the muscles/organs? Beats me. All I know is that it definitely works. 

How do I know? Well, for the last couple months I've been wearing a tight compression band on the days I start to cramp - and it really, really works, you guys. Happily you don't have to wear a corset, though, or even anything all that tight. All you need is one of these babies:


Those are underbust shapewear camisoles you can find almost anywhere - assuming you don't already have one in your closet - or you can order one off of Ebay for less than $7 with shipping. (I think I found mine at Ross for ten or twelve bucks.)

The one I had kept cutting into my underarms with those straps, so one day I got out the scissors and hacked 'em off. Now it's just a stretchy tube for my abdomen, and I tuck the top edge under my bra band to keep it in place. They also sell "slim belts," though, which are essentially the same thing:


This one is $9 with shipping on ebay. (Note: I know nothing about these sellers, so of course do your own comparison shopping.)

These shapewear pieces are snug but extremely stretchy, so odds are you'll forget you're even wearing them. And even though the very LAST thing you want to do when you're cramping is put on tight-fitting clothing, believe me when I say this will absolutely alleviate some or all of the pain*.
[*Someone just pointed out I sound a little snake-oil huckster-y here; sorry! I should say I *believe* it will help you, but of course everyone is different and there are no guarantees.]

In fact, I've cut down drastically on the amount of pain pills I need each month - last month I think I even skipped them entirely, if you can believe it - thanks to this compression thingy and one other trick I stumbled across online: Magnesium supplements. I take one 200 mg tablet of magnesium citrate the second I start to feel the pain coming on, and then another with each meal and when/if I take any Tylenol, and I could swear it actually prevents the cramps from getting worse. (It looks like there's plenty of evidence to support this, too; here's one from the University of Maryland, for example, or just google "magnesium menstrual cramps" for more.)

You guys might recall that the last time I mentioned my uterus I was gunning for a hysterectomy - solely due to the pain each month -  so believe me when I say this is a HUGE improvement. Fingers crossed it lasts.

Oh, and the only negative side effect to magnesium is that it can be a diuretic/laxative if you take too much of it - but that's actually kind of a good thing for a lot of us around that time, am I right? JUST SAYIN'. (I'm so glad we can have these chats, you guys.) Magnesium is cheap, too, so if nothing else you've got very little to lose by giving it a try!

As with everything concerning your health, though, always do your own research and/or talk to your doctor if you have questions. I can only tell you what's worked for me, and while I don't think either of these suggestions can harm you, again, please do your own research.

Speaking of which, I know there are (at least) several doctors who read Epbot, so if any of you would care to weigh in on this in the comments, I'd love to hear from you! Ditto for any of you regular corset-wearers out there. Let us glory in all our glorious womanhood, my lady friends, and freak out the men-folk with our talk of chocolate-cravings and heavy flows! WOOT WOOT!

Remember when Dev introduced us to buying a car using data part I and II? He's back with part III, and this time it's all about buying cheap-ass cars.

My sister called me from her trusted car repair shop. Her '95 Ford Escort had been troublesome for months, and was now truly dead. This means the car's demise had left my sister, her husband, and their two-year-old without transport. Worse, they had a 20+ mile commute to work, didn't have time off, and would be fired if they couldn't get to work at a moment's notice.

I had less than 72 hours to find a replacement car. So I broke out my data nerd skills and got to work.

My first step was to find out about what features my sister cared about the most in a car:

• Space for a child seat and groceries
• Reliable
• Less than $5,000
• Low operating cost: the cost to run the car each year, repairs, insurance, and gas.

I had researched how to buy a car using data. Sleuthing on Craigslist and AutoTrader revealed that vehicles this cheap are 9+ years old and have 100K+ miles. Many seemed of dubious reliability.

There was no way to know the reliability of a car from its description. That suggested there were both ripoffs and deals in the listings. This was an information asymmetry problem. The seller had perfect knowledge and the buyer had little.

Where to start: Make and Model

Internet sleuthing led to FleetBusiness, which reported how long different brands last before they die (are junked). I also found TrueDelta, which had reports from car owners about repairs, mileage and cost. Here's what I found in the FleetBusiness data:

The car brand that died off quickest was Suzuki. The brands that died off slowest were Toyota, Honda and Subaru. The die-off rate was not a straight line… it was an S-shape, like the continuous normal distribution. Looking at the scrap rate per year, I saw a roughly normal distribution:

Most cars died after 10-20 years. The cars I was looking at were the worst possible age. The odds were good the car I purchased would die within the next 5-10 years. However, the cars I was looking at were 10-13 years old. Any cars that died before then weren't for sale so I could exclude that percentage.

The most reliable brands to buy at 10 years' age were Honda and Toyota, followed by Chrysler. I picked 6 reliable models:

• Toyota Corolla
• Honda Fit
• Honda Civic
• Toyota Camry
• Hyundai Sonata
• Hyundai Elantra

I added two Hyundai models, the Elantra and Sonata, because I heard their later-generation models were well-built. This was not data-driven and foolish.

What's on sale?

I collected 117 car listings. My goal was to have enough listings that there were a few good deals.

The biggest cost of owning a car is depreciation: the difference between your purchase price and what you sell it for. Buying a cheap car that lasts a long time seemed the best way to reduce that cost.

I didn't care about car mileage or age. I wanted a car with as many miles remaining as possible. I needed to find out how long each car model would last. If a car has 125K miles already there's a big difference between a car that lasts 200K miles vs. 150K miles. The 200K car will get you 3X farther.

I guessed mileage was roughly 5X more important than age. Maintenance costs would increase exponentially as mileage and age increased. I puzzled out an equation to compute a "quality score for each car.

Score = fnNormalize ( Age^1.2 ) * 20% + fnNormalize ( Mileage^1.4 ) * 80%

The ratio of this score to the price is the "value score." Higher value scores were better deals:

Roughly, better-quality cars were more expensive. However, there isn't a straight line. There were ripoffs (in the upper left, with smaller dots) and potential deals (in the lower right, with larger dots).

Let's go shopping!

Now I had a shopping list: the five cars with the highest value scores.

• The first car had sold, in under an hour.
• We went to see the #3 car at a nearby dealership. The test drive was illuminating: the car was junk. The brakes barely worked, the fan belt made a whistling sound, and the lowest gear didn't work… in an automatic. We left in a hurry.
• For car #2, I wasn't hopeful after that first test drive, but was surprised when this car handled well. The engine, brakes, and steering all worked perfectly. A roller-coaster route through West Seattle found no issues. We made plans for my trusted mechanic to look over the car.

Open your bonnet and say "vrooom"

The car and seller were legitimate. A check of the vehicle's VIN number found no thefts or accidents.

The mechanic confirmed car #2 was in good working condition except the it burned some oil when accelerating. Some hasty Internet searches suggested this was not unusual for old Toyota Corollas and didn't mean the engine was toast. We quickly bought the car. Success!

Epilogue

• Work quickly. Good deals sell fast, in a day or two.
• Hundreds of cars in Seattle were listed on Craigslist and AutoTrader each day.
• The dealer car we tried was worse and more expensive than the private seller. A NADA report shows that used-car dealerships' profit margins were 12% for used cars. A $5,000 dealer car would cost $4465 on by a private seller.

   

Happy Saturday, Disruptors! Here’s what we’ve been reading and talking about with each other this week. Tell us what you’ve been reading in the comments!

• Disney wanted to revamp Merida for their princess merchandizing (as Jan mentioned in her post earlier this week). Some people are really into sexualizing 16 year olds. Thanks, marketing.
• Why isn’t the New Orleans Mother’s Day shooting being reported as a national tragedy?
• Ellie Kemper (from The Office) asks, “Can men be funny?“
• If you change your mind in the middle of the evening, do you have to change your underwear? We had an interesting discussion about the merits and problems with this Etsy shop from the people responsible for pranking Victoria’s Secret last year. We’d prefer underwear that says “use your words”- the “ask first” ones on their kickstarter page are cool.
  
• Speaking of consent, how about consent for medical patients? This is unsettling, to say the least.
• STILL speaking of consent, it’s pretty awful how some (many?) media photographers care so little about even making an attempt at consent in editing.
• How does one manage a company “masculinely” or “femininely”? See if you can figure out the problems with this article.
• A choice to say “consent-positive” rather than “sex-positive”: “Saying “yes” is framed as empowering and to give one’s consent is “sexy”. Which can and often does imply that a “no” or hesitation is a problem or “less cool/liberated” Hesitation and refusal are totally valid expressions of uncertainty and deserve respect. The framing of “consent is sexy” can, in some applications, invalidate this vital uncertainty.”
• Like so many other feminists/people with eyes on the internet, we loved the photo shoot a photographer mother did for her daughter’s fifth birthday, dressing her up as real groundbreaking women instead of Disney princesses:
• How Anonymous got involved in justice for rape victims.
• Marriage equality in Minnesota!
• What if people taught European history like they teach Native American history?
• Angelina Jolie is a badass. As a sex symbol, her employability relies heavily on the appeal of her body, and she looks at a positive BRCA1 result and goes “my life is worth more than my breasts.” (In case anybody doesn’t know, BRCA1 positive cancers are also especially aggressive and especially fatal.)
• Where you come in regarding that “highest paid public employees” graph.
• Here’s a great continuation of the discussion on healthy masculinity, a topic Logan covered here.
• Behind the Cosmo-eque title is some interesting data about the stratification of the class system for people looking for opposite sex partners.
• For those who live in DC: a survey about transportation safety- walking, biking, taking buses and metro trains, cabbing, what have you. Collective Action for Safe Spaces is a kickass organization.
• Everyday Sexism is a rockin’ (if depressin’) blog, and Buzzfeed recently had a pretty compelling roundup.
  
• If you are a queer person working in STEM, take this survey for queer folks working in STEM!
• The new artistic director of the English National Ballet is working to end dancer eating disorders.
• Here’s a comic for you!
• The delightful convergence of woman, victim, and poverty shaming. Rape culture hat-trick!
• Pima County, Arizona, is the only county in the United States that tracks migrant deaths. Here’s every one since 2001.
• “What I mean when I say I’m sex positive“
• Sinfest continues its trend of having feminist comics. I’m thrilled by the artist’s recent feminist turnaround… but based on their recent archive, I wish he’d read the piece above, about what sex positive really means (hint: not just a smoke screen for sexists to continue objectifying women). Anyway, here’s a good one:
• Some helpful information correcting misconceptions about intersex people in general and the court case in the news recently. Lunas adds: Sometimes doctors perform this surgery soon after birth, sometimes without fully informing the parents. (In this case it’s an adopted child, which further complicates things.) When I have kids, I intend to tell the doctors (in writing) that that I don’t want them altering the child’s genitalia in the event the child is born intersex, and I encourage others to do the same.
• From Reyes: “This is pretty dang interesting, especially if you happen to listen to jazz allllll the time. Not that any of us do that. Or nerd out about it. There’s also this sick video linked there. Love it.”
• How to exercise out of self-love rather than guilt from fat-shaming.
• UMBRELLAGATE! This is SERIOUS, y’all.
• One editor wrote: I think voting for a candidate solely based on gender is a terrible idea (see: Sarah Palin) but I also think the author is using it as a device to make her point, which is that people who have been fighting in the feminist movement for a long time are exhausted and frustrated.
• Clothes we are forced to wear in a majority of MMORPGs:
• Skylar says: “I’ve seen this pop up a lot on youtube lately and it makes me want to vomit. I appreciate that you want to include men in your marketing of unreasonable beauty standards instead of just women but please just STAHP!”
• This article reminds of of Rosie’s True Love Doesn’t Wait piece. The conservative reaction to Elizabeth Smart’s remarks “shows that too many Christians, too many proponents of abstinence-only education, have put their concern for the welfare of a quasi-political movement above their concern for the welfare of a human being, of human dignity itself.”
• Several editors found this article very thought-provoking: The Ethics of Extreme Porn: Is some sex wrong even among consenting adults?
• How rare is “crying rape”? Pretty damn rare.
• If you are a feminist living and activisting in the NYC area, maybe go to this!

Ugh. 

I sort of already hate myself from weighing in on this but people keep asking me to tweet about it and forward their petitions, and I really thought it would quiet down by now but it hasn’t, so I’m going to give my big, fat, stupid, irrelevant and probably wrong opinion on the changes Disney made from the original I-might-trust-her-to-babysit-my-kid-when-she’s-a-little-older Merida to get-the-fuck-away-from-my-husband Merida.

There are all sorts of calls to action to get Disney to admit that the new Merida looks a bit skanky and they’ve met with some success and that’s awesome.  Go team.  I hope you succeed.  But (in my opinion – stop yelling at me) the majority of people do not give a shit.  Mostly because we’re busy personally teaching our kids what strong women look like instead of letting Disney do it for us.  And in a way, Disney did us a favor here.  Did you have a talk with your kid about the new Merida? Because if you didn’t you missed a good opportunity to see where your kid stands on this, and to talk to them about over-sexualization.

I showed the new Merida to my eight-year-old and she assumed that it was Merida’s evil twin.  Which actually would make an awesome story, and personally I plan to tell stray children I see buying backpacks with the new Merida on them that the original Merida was eaten by the new Evil Merida because she was so hungry.  And they will probably believe it because seriously, look at her waist…the girl needs a damn sandwich.

Anyway, my incredibly dumb and probably ill-informed point is that it’s really uncomfortable to see a strong, child-like character get tarted up and flash bedroom eyes at you, but it’s equally sucky to rely on a giant corporation to teach your kids what strong women look like.  Strong women look like Amelia Earhart, Rosie the Riveter, Asmaa Mahfouz, or Elizabeth Smart. Or Wonder Woman, or Sally Ride or Sojourner Truth, or Amy Poehler, or Ada Lovelace, or Anne Frank.  Or your grandmother.

Or you.

I support and admire the men and women who speak out in the cause of feminism, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that there are so many amazing women who may never end up on a lunch box (Wonder Woman and Word Girl excluded) but who can make a great difference in the life and perceptions of our sons and daughters.

Okay.  Your turn.  Who’s your favorite female hero?

PS.  There aren’t any right or wrong answers here.  It’s totally okay to like pretty dresses and sexy princesses.  It’s totally okay not to.  No judgment.  Probably.

LinkedIn, the website where we all pretend to love working (and networking!), recently updated its privacy policy and user agreement, and along with the usual blah blah blah about blah blah blah, they also wanted to make sure that nobody is using the site to talk about their jobs if their jobs include getting paid for sex work.

Read more...

After my review a few weeks back of BioShock: Infinite, a reader by the name of ZippyWafflebuns (best name ever? YUP) wrote:

"This was a fun review to read (and would love to see you write more), but are there any games this quality that aren't violent? Like, no killing involved at all? I have a pretty low threshold for this kind of thing in games that I play, and I just can't put myself through it just for the world-building/storyline. But I wish I could, because I feel like I'm stuck playing Lego games and this looks so much cooler."

There aren't many non-violent games out there not aimed at children, but there are some, and some of those are pretty darn amazing. I gave Zippy a few titles to try, and then started amassing a list of my own. I focused on relatively recent, story-driven console games not specifically aimed at kids - and I also left out anything sports-related, because blech. (In fact, you might recognize several of these from my last recommended games post; I'm not generally a fan of violent games, either.)

I realize there are many degrees of violence, but for my purposes here I'm defining any game that doesn't include/require killing other humanoid characters as "non-violent."

So, with those caveats, here's what I've got so far:

Games I've played:

Kingdom Hearts - (2002)(PS2) or Kingdom Hearts Remix (HD remastered collection for the PS3,  releases this September, yay!)


A must-play for Dizgeeks with a fun, button-mashing fighting style. Great storyline, gorgeous graphics, and only mild cartoon violence. I love this game. (I also can't believe it's this old - yikes! Can't wait to get the HD remix version and play it again this Fall.)


Mini Ninjas (2009, PS3, Xbox 360, PC, Wii, and Mac) -

Quite possibly the perfect game; beautiful, a rich story, and you defeat enemies by turning them back into the adorable woodland creatures they used to be. 

- Psychonauts (2005) (Xbox, PS2, PC, Mac)


This game is almost too old to include, but it's still brilliant. Crazy characters, funny dialogue, great art, and a totally unique concept/story line. As I recall there's some cartoon violence, but no killing. (Please correct me on that if I'm wrong, guys.)

I do have a love/hate relationship with Psychonauts, though, because I've never seen the ending; the last boss fight is just too dang hard. I threw my controller across the room more times than I can remember with this game, but if you're a more skilled player than I (which is likely), do give it a try.

Portal 2 (2011)(PS3, Xbox360, PC, Mac) - 
By all means play both Portals, but if you have to choose just one, go with Portal 2. It's a hilarious puzzle-based action game with a fantastic storyline. The only violent aspect are automated turrets that shoot at you, so there's no real killing. Plus there's a 2-player co-op mode that's great fun to play with your SO.

Quantum Conundrum - (2012)(PS3, Xbox360, PC)

If you've already played both Portals and are yearning for a game with puzzles almost exactly like them, play this one. (It was directed by one of the Portal designers, which explains the puzzle similarities.) The story isn't as entertaining, but the colorful, cartoony style is fun - and may fool you into thinking this game is easy. IT'S NOT. (I made it about halfway before giving up in frustration.) No violence whatsoever, and as a bonus for my fellow Trekkers, John DeLancie (aka Q) is the main voice actor.

Machinarium (2009)(downloadable only, PC or Mac)[Correction: someone just told me you can download this on the PS3, too! Yay!]

 
It's been years since I played this, but Machinarium is still popular and enjoyable enough that I'm including it despite the fact it's not a console game. Adorable robots and puzzle-solving gameplay. Need I say more? (Hit the link up there to play the demo for free.)

(And if you've already played that one, Unmechanical is another puzzle-based adventure game featuring adorable robots. You can only play that one on a PC, iPhone, or iPad, though.)


Honorable Mentions: 
Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009) & Batman: Arkham City - (2011, Xbox 360, PS3, PC) - 



While these games are definitely violent, Batman himself (who you play) never kills anyone. So if that distinction is enough for you, then give Asylum a try. Both titles won Game of the Year and have an "easy" level for not-so-great players like me. Again, these games are violent and gritty, though, so even though *you* won't be shooting people (you politely knock them unconscious instead), other people will be. Even so, the violence isn't nearly as graphic as BioShock:Infinite.

Games I haven't played:

Dishonored (2012)(PS3, Xbox 360, PC) - 

This is a tricky one, but it IS possible to play the game without killing anyone. It's just a lot harder. John played through the violent way, and from what little I've seen this is the game that most approaches BioShock: Infinite level scenery and detailing. That said, even if you choose not to kill in the game yourself, it's still a gritty, violence-filled world - like Batman - so there are no guarantees you'll find it any less disturbing.

Braid (2008)(Xbox 360, PC) -



This is a side-scrolling platform game that's won rave reviews and all kinds of awards for its unique puzzle-solving game-play. No violence that I know of.

Fez (2012)(Xbox, PC) -


(The PC version just came out this month!) Like Braid, this is an indie game that's garnered lots of praise, awards, and attention. It looks like a standard side-scroller, but you can rotate the world to turn corners and access all the different sides of each structure. Nifty!

[Btw, if you have Netflix Streaming check out Indie Game: The Movie. It's a documentary that features both Braid and Fez, among others.]

Katamari Forever (2009) (PS3) -

Since Katamari Damacy - the first game in this series - is now ten years old, I don't think its graphics will really hold up for new players. Katamari Forever is the most recent installment for a console, though, and from what I've read has the same style of gameplay as the original. It looks... weird. But hey, it's from Japan, and millions of fans can't be wrong, right? The object is to roll objects into one giant ball to form stars, so unless you consider that violent, it's completely violence-free.


Mirror's Edge (2007) (PS3, Xbox, PC) - 


This is a parkour-based game, so your object is to scale buildings, run, jump, tumble, etc. to deliver secret messages in a dystopian society. Your character *can* use weapons, but doesn't have to, and like Dishonoured you unlock a special achievement if you navigate the entire game without killing anyone.



You'll note I've neglected to add any of the Mario series games, Lego, Rayman and the like, although those are all fantastic, fun games. I omitted them because they're primarily made for kids, and because I prefer games that are more story-driven. I also left out some titles like Myst, Ico, and Siberia because they're just too old; I tried to go back and play Siberia a few years back and the point-and-click playing style just didn't hold up well. (It's a gorgeous steampunky game, though!)

So, what did I miss, guys? Share your favorite non-violent games in the comments! Bonus points if they're not too old, not too kiddy, and somewhat story-driven (as opposed to arcade-style games.)

5/15 UPDATE: Wow, lots of great suggestions coming in! Keep 'em coming, guys! Here are some of the titles you've mentioned the most so far:

- The Professor Layton games (Nintendo DS only, which is why I didn't include it in my original list - but so many of you are raving about it that now I think I need a DS!)

- Ni No Kuni (Also for the DS, or the PS3, released in 2010)


- Okami (Re-released for the PS3 in 2011 [Supports the Move controller, but not required], also available on the Wii)

- World of Goo (PC, Mac, & Wii) - Physics-based puzzle game

- Stacking (Xbox 360 & PS3) I enjoyed the demo of this, but was afraid it'd be too kiddie to recommend. After talking to some of you in the comments, tho, I believe the puzzles get more challenging as the game progresses - so check it out! It's by DoubleFine, the company behind Psychonauts, and the art is fantastic.

- Ico and Shadow of the Colossus - I mentioned that Ico was too old, but someone pointed out it was re-released in 2011, so you can play it and its companion game on PS3! Sweet!

Be sure to check the comments for lots more; plenty of non-console games being mentioned, and also older titles. (You've all convinced me to finally try Zelda, too. Most of those are pretty old, though, so I just have to figure out where to start!)

Today is Mother’s Day, and while I think that being a mom is a crazy-hard job it’s also one that most of us wouldn’t trade for the world, so it’s always been a bit odd to me that we get to be mothers and we also get a day to celebrate it.  Not that I’m judging you.  Celebrate the hell out of yourself.  You deserve it.

But you know who else deserves it?  The women who have struggled to be, or are still struggling to be moms.  The women who want children but just aren’t in a safe place in life to have them.  The women who don’t want kids and have to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how you’re only worthwhile if you’ve pushed a human out of your vagina.  The women who miss the children they once had.  The women who miss the children they lost before they ever met them.  The women who gave up their children so their child could have a better life than they could provide.  The women who were raised motherless, or with shitty mothers, or who have lost their mothers and are reminded of how alone they feel.  Mother’s Day is a confusing, weird, very-seldom-wrapped-up-with-a-nice-commercial-bow sort of day, and as for me, I salute you all – mothers or not…you’re here.  You’re alive.  You continue to survive.  You are worthwhile and wonderful.  Never forget that.

********

On a personal note, today I’ll be remembering the children I carried who never lived…and the one miracle who did.

PS.  This is technically a terrible picture.  The lighting is weird.  I’m not wearing make-up and the sun is too bright.  It was taken with a crappy cell phone.  But it’s one of my favorite pictures ever.  Why?  Because Hailey took it when she was playing around with my phone and she turned it around, put her arm around my neck to pull me in closer and then took the picture.  One day soon she’ll be too old to be want to take pictures with me, but I’ll keep this one safe until she survives the teenage years and comes back to love her mom like I adore mine.

I’m incredibly lucky for moments like this, and I hope that I never forget that.

I’m a big fan of efficient hedonism. Let me tell you what that means.

I once read a story about an 80-year-old judo master who had been studying martial arts ever since he was a child. He said that when he was younger, he could have less-than-perfect form and make up for it with strength and flexibility, but now that he was old, his form had to be in perfect alignment. When we act in alignment with our goals and intentions, we’re more efficient because we don’t waste as much energy and time. We don’t create as much friction, so we can move from A to B with more grace and speed. That’s a lesson we can apply to any part of our lives, especially our sex lives and our pursuit of pleasure.

A lot of people hear phrases like “the pursuit of pleasure” and assume that it means wallowing in sensual experiences at the cost of one’s health and well-being, but that’s not what I mean by it. In her book The Pleasure Zone, sex therapist Stella Resnick identifies eight kinds of pleasure:

• Primal pleasure and surrender
• Pain relief
• Elemental pleasures such as play, laughter, and movement
• Mental pleasures
• Emotional pleasures
• Sensual pleasures
• Sexual pleasures
• Spiritual pleasures

For me, the pursuit of pleasure means acting in ways that expand my ability to experience all of these. I don’t want to focus so much on one that I decrease my capacity for another, such as when someone gets so hooked on the pleasure of drugs that they don’t see the physical and emotional damage they’re causing. Efficient hedonism means looking at all of my actions and how they affect me and the people around me. Without that context, it can easily slide into wallowing in unhealthy patterns.

So why do I think this matters? Because I enjoy pleasure and I want to experience as much of it as I can during my short time in this world. When it ends, I want to look back on my life and be glad that I had an amazing time. I want to wring every delicious drop of delight out of it and drink it all. I see a lot of people spinning their wheels or using up all of their energy in friction, which creates heat, but not much else. I don’t want to do that, and that means being as efficient as I can be.

There are lots of ways to do that. Being open and honest about my intentions, desires, and what I can offer is probably the biggest piece. While it’s not a guarantee against friction and drama, at least it lets me point out that I said exactly what I was offering. I find that it invites a prospective partner to do the same, which gives us room to see if we have overlap in what we’re looking for. It also makes space for us to each say yes or no, make a counteroffer, ask questions, and look for some flexibility in what we’re seeking. A deep commitment to honesty and clear communication is essential to the pursuit of efficient hedonism.

Another piece is making sure that everyone is taken care of and everything is cleaned up. A dinner party isn’t over until all the dishes are washed and put away, and a sexual experience isn’t finished until everyone involved feels complete with it. I always drop an email or a text the next day, just to say that I had a fun time and check that my partner(s) did, too. That gives the other person room to let me know if there’s anything that they need to touch base about. If something has come up for them, I make time for a conversation so we can work it out. I’d much rather do that than have unfinished business, and anyway, it makes the odds of another date with that person go way up. Being efficient means looking for possible rough spots, and then doing what I can to smooth them out.

Efficient hedonism also means being willing to follow the pleasure and let go of whatever expectations I had at the start. If my goal is to have a specific kind of sexual interaction, it’s easy to get so attached to that idea of what’ll happen that I forget to enjoy the moment. When my goal is to co-create an amazing experience, I can adjust to the needs of the moment and have a great time. Resisting reality is both pointless and incredibly inefficient. Desire is fine. Attachment to the outcome of desire gets in the way. Letting go of it takes practice, and one reward is getting to have more fun.

I’ve had plenty of experiences during which I was surprised at how much fun something new or unexpected was, so I’m willing to try almost anything twice. Anytime we try something new, there’s going to be a learning curve, so working with that process is a big part of efficient hedonism. That might mean geeking out and figuring out how to do it again. It might mean deciding that a particular activity isn’t my thing. But whatever the response for a particular situation, efficient hedonism rides the learning curve, rather than resisting it.

There’s also quite a bit of planning that goes into it. I need to manage my blood sugar, so I’ll bring a snacky bar and take a break when I need to. Or we can pause long enough to grab dinner before heading back to bed. When I was younger, I would frequently ignore my body’s needs in order to have sex, which led to a lot of post-sex blood sugar crashes and fights. (I get cranky when I get hungry.) A little preparation avoids that and lets me have fun for much longer.

Other kinds of planning include having plenty of safer sex supplies. I have a “go kit” for quickies, and another for more extended dates and threesomes, so if something comes together at the last minute, I don’t have to pull my gear together. Condoms, gloves, lube, and a few hypoallergenic wipes- it’s not difficult to put something together and it’s always better to have safer sex supplies and not need them all than to need them and run out. Of course, I have toy bags that I can pack for whatever might be on the agenda, and the lube and condoms get restocked when I’m cleaning up after a date. That makes prep for the next time faster.

Lastly, efficient hedonism means listening to my body and recognizing when it’s time to stop. The best time to leave the table is when you’re still a little hungry, and the same thing applies to sex. Overdoing it once in a while is fine, but as a regular diet, it’s much less satisfying than having just enough. Being efficient means knowing when it’s time to stop, when it’s time to take a step back, and when I need a vacation.

Ultimately, these are the things that work for me, so you might decide that you need something different to make your hedonism more efficient. Whatever that might be, take a look at how you can make it part of your sex life. The less energy you have to put into dealing with friction, the more ease you’ll find in your relationships. As I tell a lot of the people I coach, the short-term investment of work and time pays off pretty quickly. And with a little practice, you might earn your black belt in sex, too.

---

The post, Efficient Hedonism, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

100 Websites You Should Know and Use | TED Blog. Via The Morning News.

TIGSource » Preview: Hiversaires. A very pretty looking game that I’m looking forward to, for iOS.

What I’m Using Instead of Google Reader | Slog. He lands on a paid option called NewsBlur, I’ll have to check this out.

Podcast recommendations | Ask MetaFilter. Lots of great long, conversational podcast recommendations here.

swissmiss | iFontMaker. “iFontMaker is an iPad font editor allowing you to create typefaces with the iPad touch interface in a matter of minutes.” Neato.

15 DIY Gadgets You Can Make with Raspberry Pi | Brit + Co..

"The flapper movement wasn’t simply a fashion trend… it was a full-blown, grassroots feminist revolution." Here, read all about how The Great Gatsby gets it all wrong.

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Time vs. money: Sometimes you gotta live more and make less. By: Nina Matthews – CC BY 2.0

I never want a full-time job again. There. I've said it.

I'm not a lazy person. In fact, I love working. When I work, I work hard. I get shit done. But I've decided that having one job to go to every weekday, all the time, is just not for me.

Since I started working at sixteen, I could never get comfortable with typical working life. You rent yourself to someone so they can make a bunch of money. You go home drained every night, eat a quick dinner, watch some TV, then get up and do it again. Two weeks of the year, or three if you're lucky, your employer lets you free. You dread going back to the slog at the end of your sliver of time off. They expect total commitment, but can throw you out whenever they're done with you. It was sucking my soul. It made me sad.

But I did it for a long time. I had jobs I hated and jobs I liked. I had jobs that paid crap, and later jobs that paid better. I worked with people I hated and people I loved. But the feeling never changed. The feeling of being stuck in a life where I belonged more to my employer than to my own self.

Maybe I can't leave behind my teenage anarchist ways. Maybe I'm a beatnik stuck in the wrong time. Maybe I just can't hack it. Or maybe there is a better way for me.

So here's the plan. Work part-time. Always. Forever. I'll do two part-time jobs that will add up to full-time. One that brings in the bucks and one that I love — Photography, creative woodworking, art, small entrepreneurship? It'll give me the variety that I need to stay engaged. I've learned that I'm the kind of person who gets bored being in the same place, doing the same thing every day.

After having my son, it took me almost two years to find the right employer who'd let me work part-time in an industry that isn't used to women, especially working mothers, or part-timers. I now work three-to-four days a week and get to take care of my toddler the rest of the time. I save a fortune on daycare. At this point if I went back to work full-time, I'd actually make less because of the cost of full-time daycare.

There have been times I've been close to giving in and just going back to work full-time. It's been hard to find part-time work, and it's been nearly impossibly to find quality part-time daycare. The world just isn't set up for this. But it is possible!

Yes, I'll probably make less money this way… unless I can make a success of whatever I do on the side. If I do end up making less, I can make up some of it by using less fuel for commuting, having time to prepare cheaper meals, and combing thrift stores instead of running to the big-box store because I'm crunched for time. I find that when I'm working too much, I bleed money because I can't keep up with life.

While my son is young, I'll use my extra time to see more of him. Later, I'll use the extra time to try to make money doing what I love. I'll work my ass off. But the difference is that on those days that are mine, I'll be working my ass off for ME.

Of course, when I need it, I'll use my days to read a book, help with school outings, take short trips, cook, volunteer, clean the house, educate myself, or go to the doctor or dentist without having to beg for time off.

Funny thing is, I actually feel more committed to my current part-time job now than when I worked full-time. It can be hard to keep up sometimes — I feel like I have to achieve the same amount in half the time. However, I don't feel so dragged out that I lose my motivation and start hating my job. It works out pretty well for my employer too. When it gets busy I put in a little more time, and when it's slow they don't have to keep me as busy as a they would with a full-timer. I think they save a little on taxes and premiums as well.

Imagine the possibilities if more of us could get by working part-time, or could do some variation on the typical work week. (Four-days-a-week, ten-hour-a-day schedules are becoming popular among some companies and government agencies.) We could do important volunteer work. We could be politically active. Instead of eating pre-packaged food, we could participate in a community kitchen or tend our own gardens. Consume less, live more.

My decision, at least for now, is to sacrifice a little on the work side for a better life and a better me.

   

Comments

• OMG! I was just going to post that! The original Medium Chill ... by Sarah
• I love the idea of working part-time but anything less than a ... by Steph
• Can you consolidate into a family plan with your significant ... by Jackie H
• I work part time and I love it! I am a ICU nurse and I work ... by Katie
• I totally agree with you. I had a part time job as an after ... by Camille
• Plus 5 more...

It’s only thanks to Tony Avent’s latest catalog cover that I knew that of the existence of Panayoti Kelaidis – he appears there just to the right of the Ranters.  I didn’t know him as a famous plant collector/explorer who’s put the Denver Botanic Gardens on the map, but was just curious enough not to miss his recent and rare talk in the DC area.

Kelaidis’s talk and slides were of his two 3-week trips to the Steppes of Asia in search of plants.  He’d chosen that isolated, tough-to-visit part of the world because its climate is similar to Denver’s (it’s Denver’s “steppe sister climate,” he told us).

The super-schlepp in Western-most Mongolia required 10 camels and (I imagine) strong stomachs and other body parts, too, but PK (as he suggests people to call him) seemed no worse for wear, thanks to the tour company responsible, for which he had high praise.

Here are my take-aways from his talk and slides.

-  Plant exploration and collection is for people with far more advanced cases of plant addiction than mine.  Note that the tagline of his website reads:  “Serious plant nerds are especially welcome…others be warned.”  Got it.

Only someone with extreme knowledge of plants could spot the often-inconspicuous plants he showed us as something never before grown in North America.   Regular trekkers would choose another tour altogether.  (I once trekked the Himalayas and my fellow travelers turned out to be rugby players from the Midlands of England, big drinkers who’d hike back down a mountain at the end of the day in search of spirits, then party into the wee hours.  Not a gardener in the bunch.)

- This kind of travel is HARD, I tell ya.  I can’t imagine three solid weeks in Western Mongolia, by camel  (reportedly not an easy animal to get along with),  even for the young and fit (and PK’s my age, for crissakes.)

- So with due respect for the hardship endured bringing plants back home from the steppes of Western Mongolia, I was silently thanking him and other explorers of the natural world for doing what they do.

- PK is great company as a raconteur, and I can only imagine the high times and high jinx when he hangs out with the (other?) wild men of horticulture (Tony Avent, Felder Rushing, etc).

- But ladies, he mentioned having a girlfriend.

Hey, guys – a plant we recognize!  I could get used to seeing pansies growing this way, rather than dozens arranged just so in the border.

Planting Collecting: The Controversy

In a follow-up email I asked PK how he responds to critics of plant collecting (on the grounds that it brings more “exotic” and therefore potentially invasive plants into the U.S.)  He had an answer.

As to the “invasive” bullshit: Human civilization has been built over the dead carcases of native plants: our cities, farms, garbage dumps, strip malls, Nascar race tracks–you name it–have obliterated a vast portion of the worlds biodiversity. The fragments that are left are being frittered still–Horticulture is the sentient way that Homo Sapiens seeks to comprehend the plant world: without gardening there is no food, without ornamental gardening there is no impetus to study or enjoy wild nature beyond mere “observation”.  Gardening is sex–nature worship is watching pornography.

Of course no plant explorer wishes to introduce weeds (Doctors do not seek to kill their patients–although some do). To dwell on the down side of plant exploration is the same as criticizing any activity for its potential negative side effects: give me a profession and I will do the same: Priests? Pederasts. Teachers? Ignoramuses who abuse children. Bankers? Think Wall Street exploitation of the mortgage crisis–they were scuzbags of a cosmic order—and we could go on through every profession (think Lawyers).

Plant Collectors used to be respected until that “scientist” from Seattle invented the “invasive” bullshit. Human civilization is by nature invasive–and plant exploration is one of the most powerful means of measuring, understanding and ultimately mitigating the extent of that invasion. End of MY rant! Hope that helps explain my position?

Indeed it does!  And how sad that passionate, knowledgeable, passionate plant collectors like PK have to defend such an honorable pursuit.

See PK’s Central Asia slides and info on his website, or see photos of his own garden here.

We are very excited because this weekend we are trekking it to Austin, hanging with friends, and going to the Austin Food and Wine Festival to eat lots of good food. I have just purchased a pair of ‘chambray’ pants (more like mom pants) with a stretchy waistband that I will live in so I [...]

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Modena M. just shared this on the Epbot FB page, and it's so powerful, relevant, and yes, painful, that I had to immediately track down the source to share with you guys. Check it out:


As I struggled with my grief over the reality this comic portrays, I was further outraged by the fact that the source was one of those thieving photo-dump sites which plastered their watermark on it not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES, with no credit or link to the artist. Adding further insult to injury, the site named the file "cool-comic-geek-woman-fat-costume.jpg"

Allow me a moment to scream in inarticulate rage.

AAAAAAARRRRGHHH!!!

However, there is hope in the world. The artist is Paige Hall, and when I finally tracked down her Tumblr blog this was her most recent update, posted less than an hour ago:



(Paige also has an art Tumblr where she did a painting of the PonPonPon girl. Ha! Love it.)

Paige, if you read this, know that we love you, we feel you, and we bet you looked freaking FIERCE in your Wonder Woman costume.

The jerks out there will always try to spoil our community, but they are in the minority. True geeks are the most accepting and lovable bunch out there, and I hope - I dearly hope - that you'll be so overwhelmed with positive responses and support and stories of amazing con experiences that you will not only cosplay again, but do so proudly.

Epbot readers, what say you? Let's show Paige some love today. 

[NOTE: it looks like Paige has turned off all the messaging/comment options on her blogs, so just leave your notes here, guys, and we'll make sure she finds them!]

[Update: Just heard from Paige in the comments! Yay! So keep the comments coming, guys; she IS reading them!]

Did you read about that wacky garden club on New York’s Roosevelt Island? Things have gone sadly awry at the tiny East River island’s Garden Club, according to a recent New York Times story. The 120-plot community garden is located in Octagon Park and run by a volunteer board. Full members of the club may own plots, associate members can work in the garden, and there’s about a 75-person waiting list for plots. It’s not an atypical situation in this crowded microcosm, where public green space is relatively abundant, but private garden space is rare.

The new president of the club, April Ward, elected in October, is either reforming or ruining operations at the garden, depending on whose side you’re on. She has accused other members of overnight partying in the space—with compost bins to store solo cups and the garden shed a nexus of illicit activity. She’s also declared war against weeds (as well as weed), and has left waterproof notes in the plots of offenders. At some point, the communal garden shed was set on fire, and the garden was briefly closed (it has since reopened). If you want to know more, I am sure there will be further reports in the Times, or the Roosevelt Island paper.

I like living in a city, but so far, I have resisted the idea of participating in a shared garden space, mainly because I want my garden to be part of my relaxation at home, not just another stop-off on the round of daily chores. I considered getting some kind of plot where I could grow vegetables, but decided I’d be much happier with a CSA share.

Too bad, though, that these people had to turn a peaceful activity that’s supposed to relieve stress into a big fight that will probably end in litigation.

Need a breather? HerdyShepherd is a shepherd in rural northwest England whose constant tweets about tending the flock will make you feel all sorts of woodsy-fuzzy (especially since it's lambing season — lots of baby pics).

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typette:

miss-love:

mattrenez:

igotaloveshekeepsmewaiting:

melodiesintheair:

jarpadd:

I suggest all females watch this. 

*i suggest all humans watch this.

THIS SHOULD BE REQUIRED WATCHING FOR ALL HUMANS

I’m a 17 year old white guy living in middle class America. I’ve never exactly been a supporter of feminism because that kind of thing has never really affected me personally. I don’t notice it and I don’t care about it. But in nine minutes this video has made what is truly a serious problem extremely apparent. Those “why I need feminism” posts or those slut-shaming or rape culture campaigns never convince me of anything. But this video actually did I think.

tl;dr This video kicks ass, just watch it.

Stop what you’re doing and watch this

“I’ve never exactly been a supporter of feminism because that kind of thing has never really affected me personally.” See, it kills me, because while I can’t fault him for this obviously, it’s a notion that so many men share. When the western world really does consider you the default to understand when your differences from that default become your niche, your marginalization. On one side, I want to agree that some folks just haven’t been confronted with this information and never noticed it before… but, today, when I see a resurgence of misogyny against third wave feminism, things like rape culture or the friendzone’s blame shifting, and other tools, I think… there really isn’t an excuse anymore for you to not have had this epiphany yet. I can’t really lend credit to anyone who says that they didn’t ever bother to seek out the truth before. We as a culture have moved beyond that now, and if you don’t understand already, we are running out of options to show you, especially when these things happen again and again on the news, in media, more and more flagrantly and yet despite an entire internet full of women still people seem to be shocked, hmm, I don’t know. 

in cartoons, children’s programming, my field, the worst was when I was told in school point blank that despite master successes that cross or totally ignore the gender division like The Legend of Korra for example, the executive decision was the safe one that “girls will watch boy programs, but boys won’t watch girl programs” and as such they market in that direction. As much as we fight to bring equality and equal representation and fight for women to have any kind of legitimacy or to be taken seriously, we need the help of those on the other side to at least open their eyes and take a look without feeling like our standing up for ourselves is not a direct attack on you. Things like the jokes about feminazis and frigid bitches who must only be protesting their role in society because they’re too ugly to get a man to buy you things, that needs to end. I want to say that the closer you get to defeating a foe the more violently they thrash, and that this resurgence is only the overly vocal death throes of a dying cultural cancer that won’t be here long, but the biggest point of this word wall is (and I say this to all the men reading this right now)… just because you are a guy doesn’t exempt you from this battle. This isn’t just a battle of women, it’s a battle for women. You might be comfortable in your spot, but are you really? I refuse to acknowledge ignorance on these matters anymore. That excuse is gone in this day and age.

Anyway, watch the video, and watch the documentary- there’s more than one of them, I believe there’s actually a series.

With all the fangirling I've been doing lately about BioShock: Infinite, I've been getting a fair amount of questions about it. Since most of these (along with my answers) are now buried in the comment section or over on Facebook or Twitter, I figured I'd gather them all together along with my "official" review for anyone else thinking about giving the game a try. (And don't worry; this is a spoiler-free zone!)

If you've read this blog for a while, then you already know I'm not much of a gamer. I have below-average skills and little interest in the vast majority of popular games. The few exceptions include titles like Portal and Portal 2 and more kiddie-ish games like Mini Ninjas.

I watched John play BioShock 2 (Infinite is the third in the BioShock series), but my own attempts to play were disastrous at best - albeit funny in retrospect. :)

So what's different about Infinite?

1) It's gorgeous

Even if you're not the art lover I am, this game offers unparalleled eye candy that's guaranteed to make you stop and smell the virtual roses:


3) It combines a compelling story with fighting that's actually fun



I've always preferred games that felt more like interactive story books, and in this, Infinite really shines. The surprising part to me was how immersive even the side stories became - the ones told through the "voxophones," taped recordings you discover hidden throughout the game. I was moved to tears by at least two of these stories, and I've never heard voice acting of this caliber in anything.

It should go without saying that the main storyline with Booker & Elizabeth is also beautiful - so rich and complex that you'll be decompressing and deciphering it all long after the ending credits roll.

I never thought I'd say a shooting game was fun, but here again Infinite surprised me. More on that in a minute, though.

- The music

Yes, really, the music. From an old-timey jazzed-up version of "Tainted Love" to a choral hymn of such haunting beauty that you'll find yourself humming it for days, Infinite has a plethora of musical Easter eggs that I'm still uncovering on my third play-through. (Find the guitar and play it. Trust me.)



Ok, let's get to my top FAQs:

FAQS:

- Do you need to have played the first two BioShocks?

No, Infinite stands on its own perfectly well. There's one small nod to the previous games at the end, but even just knowing those games exist will be enough for you to understand what's happening.

- Can someone who's not great at video games manage, or will it be too hard/frustrating?

Again, easy mode is your friend! To give you an idea of my own skill level: I was able to beat Portal 2 but not Psychonauts. I also can't get more than 1/3 of the way through most Rayman and Jak & Daxter type games. So if I can do it, odds are you can, too.

- Is it worth the money?

Alternatively, I've had a few of you mention you can't afford BioShock right now, so this is less an answer and more a suggestion for those of you in the U.S.: Redbox. Find a kiosk at a grocery store or gas station near you, and you can rent Infinite for $2 a day. Rent it on days when you have several hours to play at a time, and if you're mildly obsessive like me, you'll be done in 5 or 6 days! Even if it takes you longer, $20 for 10 days isn't bad at all. Think of it as an installment payment plan!



A word of caution: One thing I haven't addressed anywhere yet is Infinite's level of violence, which has been labeled "excessive," "extreme," and "insanely ridiculous."

Look, I can't handle violence or gore. I just can't. Shows like Walking Dead and Game of Thrones are WAY beyond my tolerance, as are most cop shows with forensics-style gore. So I was surprised to see reviews blasting Infinite for excessive violence.

Now, I'll be straight with you: the very first fight of the game is pretty dang disturbing. A guy gets his face ground in, followed by either an in-your-face, blood-spurting decapitation, or a graphic neck-snap. Up to that point you've been in this perfect, idyllic world, so that first fight is designed to be extra jarring, and it is.

However, I can tell you that if you choose to shoot your enemies - as opposed to running up and smashing them in the face with your spinning hand claw of death - then the rest of the game is dramatically less graphic. It's all about how close you are and which weapons or vigors you use. Some are more graphic than others, so if that bothers you, focus on using sniper rifles or other long-range weapons. Either way, though, know that it never gets any worse than that first fight. (Although a certain cut-scene with a bunch of ravens gets kind of close. You have been warned.)



To end on a more positive note, I have to share one of my favorite little discoveries in the game so far. This contains a mild spoiler, but I don't believe it's anything vital that the trailers haven't already given away.

Ok, so, during the very first tear you see Elizabeth open, if you look closely (and quickly!) to the right, you'll see a movie theater marquee that reads "Revenge of the Jedi" in French. (Apparently that was the original working title of Return of the Jedi - so this shows the tear opens to an alternate world/time.) A moment later, as you're climbing a nearby stairwell, you hear Booker say, "This job is getting worse all the time," in the exact same inflection Lando Calrissian uses to say, "This deal is getting worse all the time," in Empire Strikes Back. Yep. STAR WARS HOMAGE, baby! (You'll see another movie marquee with the same title in English later on in the game, too, so watch for that!)

Again, there are lots of hidden little treasures like that throughout the game, but I believe that's the only one to reference another geek franchise. That said, you should go play it and see if I'm wrong!

Oh, and if you're a non-gamer looking for more titles to try, here are eight that I recommend.

I hope this review was helpful, guys, and feel free to ask any other questions you might have in the comments, since I'm sure I may have missed something!

Edited 4/25 to add further email correspondence from the Letter Writer at the end of the post.

Two things I know:

1) If you have to keep explaining and justifying and expanding what you said, you said it wrong the first time.

2) If lots of people tell you you screwed something up, you did.

The way I responded to the last LW was condescending, snarky, and rude, and I am sorry.  I definitely read his letter the way thecynicalromantic breaks it down here, and I definitely responded hastily and in anger and should have slept on it before posting, especially the last sentence, and I definitely responded to him as part of a pattern of dudes asking versions of the same question instead of as an individual in pain. LW, I definitely don’t have a right to tell you to avoid feminist spaces, plural, and the “get a fucking grip” was mean and pretty inexcusable.

Here’s what happened, LW: You unintentionally stumbled into my fatigue at explaining all of this again, after I’d had another week like this one and just a bunch of generally sexist “You are a lady, so you will sort out my shit and be nice while doing it” bullshit.

Here’s what I should have done: Deleted your question from my email. My fatigue is legit, so why not just go with it instead of punishing you by answering your question grudgingly? Until now, I’ve said that it is ok if this was a 101 space. Changing the rules on that without a discussion, in answer to a questioner who is writing in with that assumption, is not cool and I am sorry.

But I didn’t, so here we are.

The content of my advice remains basically the same, but I’d like to try again in a non-snarky way.

I still think you should keep treating his anxiety disorder with your therapist, who can help you sort out what messages the Jerkbrain is using to lie to you about the world and what things are legitimate “don’t do that” situations.

I still think that if you feel anxious about starting conversations (with women, specifically, as you asked in our post,  as in the example you supplied, and based on the example of the kind of feminist reading that you said is freaking you out)  because you are worried about impinging on someone’s happy solitude or upsetting them, when in doubt, hold off. Wait and see if the person talks to you first (a pretty foolproof way of being sure they want to be in the conversation). Observe their body language, the situation, and don’t assume they want to talk to you.

That is all that the Schrödinger’s Rapist post asks you to do. If you are a man who wants to talk to a strange woman in public:

1) Be aware of the surroundings and the vibe that you are sending out (this applies to approaching all humans, not just women. Men experience the most violence at the hands of other men and it is good to take care of their safety as well).

2) Be aware of the cues that the other person is giving off, and respect them, including the ones that say “I don’t want to be interrupted at all.”  (Again, this applies to all humans, as not all men want to be talked to).

3) If you make a mistake and accidentally engage someone who didn’t want to be engaged, show you are a person who can be trusted to respect “back off” signals by immediately backing off. A safe person stops the behavior that triggered the “back off!” response and moves away. An unsafe person berates you for being paranoid or hangs around explaining that they are a good person and didn’t really mean it and you should give them another chance to prove that by interacting more (the thing you just indicated that you did not want to do).

4) Be aware of the history of how men have violated women’s safety & autonomy, and dominated public spaces. Be aware of the ways that women have been socialized to be polite and accommodating, even when violence is offered.

5) Be aware that there are reasons that someone might be very wary of you or simply not want to engage with you even if you in fact are nice and do everything correctly, and that it’s not personal.

A lot of men were really, really upset and angry by that post and expected either personal detailed explanations or to be given blanket, pre-emptive exceptions from having to worry about it. Because they are nice and don’t want to hurt people. Because after reading it they feel alienated in spaces where they used to feel comfortable and unquestioning. Or, because in some cases they have disorders that make it disproportionately and unfairly difficult for them to understand cues or even talk to women in the first place.

That history is all in the comments at Shapely Prose and shows up every time that post is mentioned, including here, and then nice feminists patiently explain “But sometimes you could just not talk to us, and look, there are signals that you could read” and patiently outline the signals again and men reply “But how can we possibly? Do you just not want us to talk to anyone, ever?” and we say “No, that’s not what we mean” and they say “BUT NOW I WILL FEEL SCARED AND WEIRD ABOUT APPROACHING STRANGE LADIES” and we say “YES, CORRECT, SOMETIMES WE ALSO FEEL SCARED AND WEIRD” and then someone says “But *I* am a woman/from a place where people are all super-friendly and *I* actually like when people chat, so y’all being so harsh (which means that they are probably giving off the ‘yes, chat with me’ signals, and not the ‘i brought headphones and a book’ signals, in other words, totally covered by the initial example and not in fact an exception that needs to be made.)” And then here we are, again. And again. And again.

Sadly, having an anxiety disorder doesn’t prevent you from being someone’s Schrödinger’s Rapist. I keep wanting to replace “rapist” with something like Schrödinger’s Anxious Guy Who Had To Psych Himself Up To Even Leave The House Tonight And  Doesn’t Mean To Bother You And Who Will Politely Go Away And Feel Super Apologetic And Shitty Afterward, but the reality is, some people somewhere might be actually scared of you and it feels wrong to water it down and pretend that’s not so. As a person with anxiety, that is probably making it worse and not what you need to hear, but it also doesn’t make it untrue.

True story: Many years ago, some guy came up behind me on the street and tapped me on the shoulder. What followed was a mugging where he beat me black and blue and took my bag. Recently, I left a party and was walking to the bus, and a friend who left a few minutes after me (who doesn’t know that story) thought it would be funny to sneak up behind me and tap me on the shoulder. He thought it would be obvious that it was a joke, that I would assume that it was someone from the party, and that I knew he was right behind me. It was not obvious, I did not know, and it scared me a lot. It wasn’t his fault that I had that history, he didn’t have bad intentions, and after I stopped screaming and crying he apologized and I explained why it bothered me so much. But he hadn’t done the calculus of “dark street, alone, might be upsetting, do not touch,” and it went badly for both of us.

It feels like your worry is that every woman who meets you sees Schrödinger’s Rapist, and every woman that you meet is Schrödinger’s Trauma Victim, who will respond to your polite “Jolly good painting, right?” with screaming and running away. It fits so neatly with the lies that your anxiety is telling you, and you want some way to sort it out and guarantee that you won’t accidentally hurt someone. Your anxiety is telling you “That person probably doesn’t want to talk to me because I am horrible and will screw everything up.” Your recent feminist reading is telling you “Maybe the person doesn’t actually want to talk to you. Think about it.” I can see why it’s combining in “Don’t talk to anyone ever! You’ll do it wrong!” and a raging, paralyzing case of stereotype threat.

Maybe the woman at the art show would have been cool with talking to you. Or, maybe you picked up something in her demeanor correctly and processed it correctly. Probably, if you had spoken, she would not have screamed and run away or thought “Is this guy going to attack me?” Probably, the worst thing that would have happened was she gave you a polite brushoff and then moved away. Women are so socialized to be nice that usually the worst brush-off that actually intrusive people get is a mild “I’d prefer not to chat, thanks.”

I think you are looking at that anecdote as an example where your anxiety got in your way, and a “ridiculous” problem to be fixed. I looked at it as an example of you testing out some of the stuff you’d read about reading cues and and making a totally sound decision not to engage. Even with all the therapy in the world, even if your anxiety disorder were totally cured, that calculus should still be a part of social interactions with strangers.  The way you used to use to manage your anxiety, where you could just not worry about what people thought and assume they’d tell you if there was a problem, was always a faulty assumption. While I can see why it was a helpful workaround for you, the immense anger from men after the Schrödinger’s Rapist post was about losing exactly that assumption from their repertoire. It’s something that every person struggles with as they become more aware of the world. “Oh shit, my good intentions are not enough to prevent other people from ever being harmed?“

So you need a new workaround that’s based in better assumptions. That doesn’t mean you’re horrible, it means that you leveled up. Talk to your therapist about that and see what you can come up with.  Do what you can to re-evaluate the idea that approaching strange women in a carefree manner is an inherently desirable skill or one that you personally should cultivate as proof that you’ve conquered your anxiety. When it comes to the mechanics of how to approach strange women and be reasonably sure that you are not being a jerk, Schrödinger’s Rapist already covers it. There is no advice that is going to be better than that advice. If you’re looking for tips on meeting people in general, there’s a lot of stuff here that might help you (don’t be thrown off by the word ‘date’, there is a lot of general social skills advice, especially in the comments). If you can bear to look at Saturday’s thread ever again, pay attention to the comments where people say “maybe approaching strangers shouldn’t be your jam, but try Meetup or more structured social activities where you can be sure that people want to meet other people instead.”

Ok, a hopefully a mostly snark-free answer. Probably too late to do the actual LW any good, and I can understand if he ran far, far away from this blog.

On the subject of 101-spaces, I think this space is now closed to all flavors of the question “As a man, how do I get better at interacting with women, plural?”  If other people want to keep doing that work, great, but I have reached my personal limit. I will adjust the FAQ appropriately when I get a moment.

———————————————

So the Letter Writer reached out to me on Twitter, and then we traded a few emails. He seems like a very nice, thoughtful gent. And the anxiety-sufferers had the right of it, for sure. His emails are posted, unedited, but anonymized.

Hi,

So I’m the XY who sent in that question. I’ve read both your replies and some of the resulting comments from users. I can see why you and them replied the way you did, although it wasn’t particularly fun reading hundreds of comments about what a horrible person I am. There’s a few things I’d like to make clear:

1. I had no prior knowledge of Captain Awesome before sending in that question. Someone suggested your site to me and I thought it was worth a shot. Based on the title I thought it was probably an advice column for people who were socially awkward. So I wasn’t consciously asking a feminist woman to “comfort me because injustice makes me feel icky”.

2. An anxiety disorder means you worry about things excessively. That is, more than is necessary or helpful. From your answer I felt like you’d almost ignored that part of my question and written the same answer that you would have given to anyone.

To give a rough description of how I experience social anxiety, it’s like an insistent internal monologue that assumes the worst is going to happen in any social situation. Any little clue, or sometimes no clue, is filtered to be a sign that people are reacting badly and hate me. I focus on any possible bad reaction that they could have, and then often get into a bind where I blame myself for these possible reactions but also for being too scared to act. It’s paranoid, it makes me feel awful, and severely affects my social life. A significant part of that anxiety is worrying about the unseen. What if, despite appearances, this person really hates me? (With the hidden assumption that they’re probably right, which is the really damaging part). Learning about how women experience sexism and sexual harassment from men feeds into that anxiety very strongly because it justifies the view that people are very upset with me but keeping it to themselves. Also, the behaviour caused by social anxiety can make women feel uncomfortable too – silence, mumbling, not making eye contact, so it’s not the case that simply allowing myself to be anxious is a good solution.

3. I realise that as a man this is my cross to bear. I don’t want to revert back to ignorance about how women feel, and I never said I did. I know there is a conflict between my desire not to worry so much about being sexist and the reality that sexism exists, and that I should be aware of it and not try and excuse myself. That is why I’m seeking outside help, because finding a balance between those two conflicting issues is difficult.

4. Being told “if approaching women in public gives you that much anxiety, don’t do it” and to “get a grip” is like super not helpful.

5. I should have given more context to the art gallery situation. Many of the problems people had with that part of my question were due to them not assuming good faith, but I realise one can’t always do that. This last Friday was the private view of my sister’s art exhibition, and the woman I was thinking about talking to was her teacher, although we hadn’t been properly introduced. I’m pretty certain that my behaviour of avoiding her was ridiculous.

So I did find some decent tips amongst the comments on your site. It was good to hear from people that it’s permissible to test how receptive women are to talking first and then back off if they respond negatively. That said I did feel attacked by your response and those of your users, and though I’m not sure how much discussion there is to have after this point, I wanted to contact you to speak in my defence, particularly to explain social anxiety further.

Thanks for getting in touch,

XY

Dear XY:

I am glad you reached out, and again, really sorry I answered as I did. This makes total sense and is consistent with what the other anxiety sufferers described. What would you like to happen now?

Hi.

It’s good to hear that you understand and that’s all I really wanted. If you feel you’ve got any different advice now I’m still receptive.

Again, thank you for contacting me. Giving free advice to people is a nice thing to do and I appreciate that you take it seriously enough to care about the fallout from making a mistake.

As a suggestion, in the future if someone asks a question where they refer to a mental health problem then you could refresh your knowledge on it to help with your reply.

That would maybe avoid comments like this http://captainawkward.com/2013/04/20/476-i-have-anxiety-that-women-will-have-anxiety-about-me-approaching-them/#comment-52085 from your colleague alphakitty. Her response is totally reasonable for someone without an anxiety problem, but in my case what’s she’s saying is similar to telling a hypochondriac that their health anxiety is good because it’ll mean they’ll avoid all those nasty diseases out there.

As far as any public response goes, I guess you can post my emails, anonymously of course.

- XY

P.S. what does LW stand for?

——————————————————-

I do not have the wherewithal to moderate another discussion of this intensity and duration at this time, so comments will remain off, but I wanted the community to be able to see that we were dealing with a kind and reasonable guy. The fact that he, and others among you, can be so kind when I was so unkind makes me feel the wrong that was done more keenly, but also gives me hope that we can knit this place back together with a little time and understanding.

Some steps I plan to put in place:

1. Changing the FAQ. Still mulling over exactly how, but obviously will announce when it changes.

2. Hosting a future open thread on anxiety, especially social anxiety, where only anxiety-sufferers are invited to post and others are invited to listen, like we did with the Asperger’s thread a while back, and keeping that as the format for anytime someone writes in with “I have x diagnosis and think it’s effing up my life in the following ways.”

3. Taking my time before posting replies to letters that initially rub me the wrong way. The “Post” button is instantaneous, the internet is forever.

 

Photo by Jenny GG

When I first met with Kelli from Shindig Events to scheme my April staff/reader meet-up, Kelli's big question to me was, "What are you doing at this party? What's the point of the gathering?" Such a simple question, but my only answer was "Er, drinking and talking and laughing? I don't know!" We did a little brainstorming on activities, and it went like this:

Ariel: What if we did, like, hipster bingo cards but catered to Offbeat Empire reader interests? People could wander around being all, "You're wearing an octopus accessory! Are you lactating? Who here had a home birth?" I know my readers' tastes like the back of my hand [delicious!], and it could be fun! Sort of like… mingling bingo?

Kelli: YOU MEAN MINGLO!?

Me: I MEAN MINGLO!

And thus a party idea was born. And now you can steal it.

Brainstorm identifiers

We did a big very amusing staff brainstorm about what we should list on the cards, and realized quickly that the items needed to be recognizable but never feeling like "outing" people. One of our early ideas included "non-gender binary" but the last thing we wanted to do was encourage attendees to question each other's gender identities. "SO! YOU LOOK ANDROGYNOUS — TELL ME ABOUT YOUR BOTTOM PARTS." We wanted every item to be something fun that everyone could either immediately recognize or would be eager to talk about with strangers.

Here was our list:
Art degree, Bike parked outside, Blogger, Burlesque performer, Chest tattoo, Chicken owner, Child-free, Circus skills, Converse, Derby girl, Docs Martins, Empire advertiser, Etsy seller, Facial piercing, Freelancer, Geeky tattoo, Genital piercing, Gluten-free, Grad student, Had home birth, Lactating, LARPer, Long-haired dude, Midwife/doula, Octopus, Pet rat, Rainbow, Star Wars, Steampunk, Tabletop gamer, Tribesmaid, Utilikilt, Wearing feathers, Wedding band tattoo, Yogini

Obviously, your list will totally depend on your event and your community. You could go general for a networking event (Drives a Prius). You could go super intimate for a party with your friends (Slept with Casey). Remember, you want to keep it good-natured enough that it's things people WANT to talk about. The goal here is not shame bingo.

Design cards

Our cards were designed by Offbeat Bride's associate editor, Superman. She has nicely provided her template so that you can download it and add your own identifiers!

Download the Minglo template

The doc is a PDF, so if you have Photoshop you can get crazy with it. If you don't, you can print it out and hand-write your identifiers and xerox that shit. Woot!

Establish rules

I didn't think through the rules super carefully before my party (whee!), but I knew I had about 30 prizes to give away. Here's how it ended up working out:

• People got a card when they arrived
• They mingled and wrote in the names of their fellow guests
• When they got Minglo, they shouted it out, and found an Offbeat Empire staffer to write the time on their card
• Two hours into the party, I gave out prizes, starting with those who'd gotten Minglo first. I had tiers of prizes — one grand prize, 3 second tier, 10 third tier, and 15 fourth tier. I used number of squares checked off total as a way to do tie breakers.

The rules were loosey goosey intentionally, because of course the real goal here is just people talking to each other.

How'd it go for us?

Now, granted, Offbeat Empire readers are little nerdier than most and our event was hosted in a tabletop gaming lounge, but people were INTO Minglo. The grand prize winner (a groom we'd featured on Offbeat Bride) got quadruple Minglo, and basically blacked out his entire card. The prizes were also awesome, which may have helped. Thanks again to Babeland (vibrating things!), MarMar (cute things!), ZOMGsmells (smelly things!), Turtle Love Co (classy things!).

One of the things I really liked is that while the original point of hipster bingo always seemed to be derisive ("fucking sheep — you're all so predictable!"), the goal of Minglo feels celebratory. We share these interests! Let's dork out about them together! I guess this is in keeping with my pro-trend perspective, but it felt like an important distinction for me. It kept the party happy and fun and upbeat instead of, like, "OH NO YOU LIKE OPCTOPODES TOO!? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE."

Ok, so which identifiers will you be putting on your cards?

For any DIY enthusiast, the clearance bin at the DIY store is a regular stop. This project, the Oddstock Floored Wardrobe was designed and built to take advantage of that bin. Brazilian teak prefinished hardwood flooring was found on clearance for an irresistible price. The box had apparently been returned from a large flooring job.

To make use of all the boards, they were cut to short, mitered pieces and arranged in a chevron pattern. Metal tile flooring dividers were used to hide the board edges, trimming out the doors. A simple box deep enough to house clothes on hangers was placed on Queen Anne legs for a romantic look. After many searches for the right door handles, utilitarian garage door handles were chosen because of their large size and casual appearance. A coat hook and mirror were added to the inside of the door for accessories.

You can change the look to be more modern by using straight legs instead. Fill the bottom with shoes or boxes and add shelves if you like, or try other types of wood flooring and experiment with … read more

Expletive Yeah, Adrianne Haslet-Davis! The 32-year-old dance instructor who lost her foot in the Boston Marathon bombing is dealing with her new reality like a motherexpletiving Boss.

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Libraries: More than just books and whispers. Photo by Enokson – CC BY 2.0

You may not know this, but there are more library branches in the US than McDonalds. True fact. Wait! Before you sigh and move on to the next article, hear me out! I'm not going to tell you about books. Well, not much, anyway. It turns out, there's far more to today's libraries than books, and I'm pretty sure there are a bunch of Homies out there who could totally use some of their local library's services, but have no idea what kind of riches they're missing.

I'm an academic librarian, and I'd like to give you this little heads up on some examples of what you might find.

Technology training

Everything from using a mouse to MS Office to e-readers. Example: Charlotte Mecklenburg Library

Computers and wifi

Kind of follows from the technology training, I guess. Unlike a coffee shop, the library won't ask you to buy a latte every couple of hours, though.

Career training

Obviously, you'd expect to see books on various career-related skills, but it goes much further. Many libraries offer classes on finding a job, and some even have full-time staffed Job and Career Centers. Most (90% of) libraries offer online employment resources, in addition to books and programs.

Tax help

All libraries have tax forms, or can point you in the right direction to print them up. But some offer a lot more help than that.

Crafty goodness

Some libraries host knitting circles, some teach art and craft classes, and some will let you borrow craft supplies.

Maker spaces

If your DIY spirit goes beyond crafting and into hacking, your local library may be able to help you. Example: Westport Public Library's maker space

Tools

Not all libraries offer maker spaces, but many lend tools, along the whole spectrum from power tools to cake pans. Here's a pretty good (international!) list of libraries that lend tools.

Seeds

No, seriously, people get seeds for their gardens from their library.

Public meeting spaces

Most public libraries have rooms that community members can reserve, generally for no fee. There may be a requirement that the activity has some kind of cultural value, or is open to the public, or they may be totally free for all; it varies by library.

Ebooks and music

Free ones, which you can download to read on your own device (computer, iPad, Kindle, etc). Check and see if your library has something called "Overdrive," "Freading," or "OneClickDigital," and don't be afraid to ask your librarian, if you don't see any of those listed.

Some libraries even subscribe to online services, so you can download MP3s from home. Look for "Overdrive" and "Freegal," and if you don't see either, ask your librarian.

Stuff for your kids

Offering everything from storytime for the little ones to teen zones and creative outlets for the less-little ones. Libraries are safe, welcoming spaces for young people. Many libraries offer free homework help, test prep (think SATs), and tutoring.

Any fact in the whole wide world

Librarians have a number of different jobs within the library, but one of the most common and best liked is "reference," which just means "sitting at a desk answering the questions of anybody who asks." Where else in the modern world can you go, ask any question, and expect to get an answer, quickly, for free? (One caveat: Librarians can't give legal or health advice. But they can still look up laws and medical facts for you.) So make a librarian happy. Go ask him/her a question!

Your particular branch may have most of these services, or it may have none (besides reference; I'm pretty sure every library does that) but libraries tend to be very responsive to community requests. If there's something on this list that you want, but your library doesn't offer it, ask! There's a good chance some energetic librarian really wants to offer cool new services, but needs a good excuse… like a patron request! There may or may not be funding or staff time available for it, because times are tough. But even if your local library can't swing it (or can't swing it right now), nobody will get upset with you for asking. And the librarian will know where else in your community you could go to get the same kind of service, if it exists.

Dear Evil HR Lady,

I will be leaving an abusive relationship very soon. My partner has communicated with me on my business email address and I expect when I leave he will bombard my company email address with emails. They may be threatening, he may send pornography. I don’t know.

I may also have to get an order of protection that would include my work address.

What are my obligations with regards to notifying HR about these potential issues? Do you know of any protections in place for me as a victim? I have an advocate with a local woman’s shelter but she wasn’t able to comment on my work situation except to advise me to confide in a manager I can trust, which I have.

I’m very frightened on every level and the thought of having potential problems at work because of this adds to my stress. Any input would be appreciated.

 To read the answer click here: What do you tell your boss when you’re leaving your abuser?

Wow, so many goodies online this week! Let's get right to 'em:

MentalFloss put together an awesome post called The Faces Behind 31 Disney Villains, and it is so. cool:



This sketch Katie Cook tweeted made me realize I am in dire need of some Rainbow Brite art:


One of my most popular recent Pinterest finds:



I finished my own play-through of BioShock Infinite this week, (YAY EASY MODE) and I'm already resisting the urge to start playing through a third time. (I watched John play the first time.) Can you say "addicted?"

Anyway, so of course I was beside myself to see Anna of Anna The Red has already made a custom Songbird plush!


I really want to make my own, even though I can't sew and know nothing about constructing plush dolls. (How hard can it be, right? Uh... right? Guys? Hello?)

I want to make mine out of pleather, though, since the game dolls look (to me) like they're made of leather:

Soooo, any advice on techniques? Or where I might find a faux leather that looks kind of mottled/aged like that?


My parents are down this week for their big Disney Anniversary & Birthday Celebration, and are living large at the parks as I type this. I love hearing about all their little surprises and cast member interactions each day; wearing a 40th anniversary pin really gets you a lot of attention over there. :)

Anyway, we spent yesterday evening with them at Epcot, where I spotted the one and only lawn flamingo I've ever been tempted to buy:


Oh, and my folks keep calling Epcot Epbot, which is hysterical. MY EVIL PLAN IS WORKING. Mwuah-ha-haaa.


More Disney goodness courtesy of Julie A.: a tiny Jungle Cruise diorama!

With all of the rape culture posts Jez has featured over the last few months, I've pretty much used up all my Big Girl words. There comes a point where only the miracle of gifs can fully express what you're feeling.

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What goes in, must come out — and when it does come out, it's basically a murky crystal ball into our gastrointestinal health. Poo poo is a funky combo of water, fiber, bacteria, cells, and mucus makes up your toilet bowl filler — and that's all good. However, when weird colors, textures, and consistencies get up in the mix, you might want to consult a doctor. Or this new app.

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Photo from our last canoe trip.

Once upon a time, in University, my friends and I sat around our living room, discussing all the things we'd rather be doing than studying for our finals. Somewhere between sky-diving and climbing Mount Everest, portaging came up as an option… There were four of us, and only two of us had any camping experience to fall back on. The other two had never even been in a canoe, and none of us had ever planned a canoe trip. I was the most experienced, with a single canoe trip from when I was 13.

Before we knew it, a trip was planned and packed, and we headed out into the Ontario wilderness less than one hour after our last exam. We were rained on, got lost and sidetracked down a disused, flooded snowmobile track, and ate mostly rice flavoured with soup mix in a tortilla with salsa. We came home tired, sore and dirty. And it was completely amazing.

Since then, it's been morphed into an event that happens once or twice a year, often with new people who've never camped before, and every year, we get a bit better at it. But in honour of that first trip, here's a guide on everything important you need to know/do to survive your first canoe trip into the wild.

This guide is for planning out a round trip through the wilderness, travelling mostly by canoe through lakes and rivers — you can also use a kayak, but I never have. Where the lakes and rivers end, you'll get out, carry all your gear to the next lake, and repeat, until you reach camp for the night. It's not the easiest type of camping, but it's also incredibly fun, especially when you look back and tell people what you did. You're far away from civilization, and there's something to be said for being the only human beings for miles around.

Things you need to plan your trip:

Location:
Before you can go camping, you need to know where you're going. In Ontario, I've gone canoe tripping in both Algonquin Park and Killarney Park. Between the two, Algonquin is the more popular choice. It's significantly larger than Killarney, and there's dozens of possible routes and trips within the park. Killarney Park is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, and filled with crystal blue lakes and white mountains.

You can also look around at provincial or state parks in your area. A call should tell you if canoe tripping is possible and hopefully get you a map to the water routes and portages in the park. Which is good, you'll need one.

Transportation:
First off, you're going to need a canoe. Most parks will have places that will rent you a canoe (And paddles and lifejackets). Most canoes hold two people, some hold three. Three person canoes are heavier and longer. So, if you have an odd number of people, get one three-person canoe and fill the rest into two-person canoes.

Canoes also come in a variety of weights. The general rule is, the lighter the canoe is, the less stable it is but even the lightest canoes are hard to tip. Our first trip we went with the second lightest option, and split the complete novices between the two canoes. In the end, we could have gone lighter.

The most important factor for the canoe though, is that the canoe has a yoke. The yoke is what allows you to carry the canoe on your shoulders when you reach a portage point.

Camping Gear:
There's a lot of essential gear you're going to need. This helps if you're already an avid camper, but we managed our first trip by borrowing just about everything from our parents. There may also be places to rent the important gear.

• Tent(s): Most campsites have at least two spaces clear enough and flat enough to fit a tent, but not necessarily room for a third tent. Tents always claim to sleep more people than they do. Our six-person tents sleeps four people, without gear.
• Camping backpack: You'll need one per person. If you're out shopping for one, and can't decide on a carrying capacity, get the biggest one. The most important features are going to be a well-padded waist strap, and a chest strap. Make sure the pack is comfortable before you leave, it's only going to get worse. The more you can compress the pack, the easier it'll be to carry. Learn from our first trip, and waterproof your pack (lining it with garbage bags is quick and easy).
• Sleeping bags: If you're going in the summer, anything should do (even a blanket), but the smaller you can pack it, the better.
• Sleeping pad(s): More importantly, bring one sleeping pad or Thermarest per person. Our first trip out, most of the group decided to be manly and skip the Thermarest. After our bags got wet, we realized that the real benefit to the sleeping pad is actually in breaking contact with the ground, which quickly leeched the heat out of our bodies. Oops.
• Clothes: You want to prepare for as many possible scenarios using the least possible space. So think layers. T-shirts for when it's hot, a sweater for when it's colder and both shorts and long pants. Try to pick things that dry quick in case of rain. Pay attention to your feet too, good shoes and socks are a must for the portages.
• Water purifier and water bottles: There's a couple of options for water, based on how expensive you want to get. The easiest and cheapest way is with Iodine tablets, but they take time. Then there's hand-pump water filters, which are more work, but taste better. A gravity-fed water filter is probably the most expensive, but also the easiest and quickest way. Our first trip, we used Iodine tablets, and everyone brought a 1L water bottle. It worked fine, and we upgraded to water filters in later years.
• Food: More on this later on.
• A map and compass
• First aid kit
• Rope
• Toilet paper and hand sanitizer: Also a shovel if your park doesn't have a box for this
• Matches or lighter
• Sunscreen
• Bug repellent
• Cooking dishes, eating dishes and utensils and dish soap
• Flashlights

Planning your trip:

Hopefully when you picked the location for your trip, you also got a map showing you all the lakes and portages in your park. Now what you want to do is spread that map out, and start planning. My group does round trips anywhere from 4-7 days in length. You want to plan based on the following factors.

You can travel between 10-15 KM in a day (I apologize for my metric-ness) easily. Expect to do less on the first and last day if you also plan on driving to/from the park that day.

You go further by canoe than by portaging. We use a pessimistic estimate you go 3km/h by canoe, and 1km/h by foot.

Try to make it to camp by 4pm each night. Setting up in the dark is a terrible, terrible thing.

Factor in some extra time to your portage just in case things go wrong. Strong winds, low water levels and beaver dams can all slow you down.

A piece of string knotted to match the legend makes measuring distances easy.

You can always spend an extra night on a lake to have a rest day, to make the trip easier.

Any portage under 500m is short. (Your mileage may vary. Literally)

When you're done, call the park and book your route. Make adjustments as necessary (We always leave this to the last minute). If you aren't in Ontario, this would be a good time to ask about how the sites are set up (if they have an outhouse or box, if the campsites have firepits or if you need a stove, how many tents can fit on a site, how are portage points and campsites marked, where you to sign into the park, etc).

The food and the cooking:

Camping food is some of the best food I've ever eaten. Not because it's actually good food. But because after you've just spent a full day out canoeing and hiking, just about anything warm and filling will make you squeal with happy delight.

If your park has a fire ban on, or disallows fires, or if you just want to be able to make dinner even in a thunderstorm, bring a camp stove. Our first trip involved two old pots and a pan that we used to cook everything.

Here's some very basic ideas for meals that have served us well:

• Rice, cooked in dried soup mix: Our first trip, we ate this for three nights, in a tortilla with salsa. Salsa saved that trip.
• Oatmeal: One of the best breakfasts, it's fast, warm and very easy to flavor (dried fruits, cinnamon, nutmeg, nuts, whatever). You also don't need to boil the water very long, unlike the aforementioned rice.
• Instant mashed potatoes: This isn't precisely a meal, but having a bag or two along is a good back-up. If you ever manage to have a terrible day where you finally manage to drag yourself back into camp just as the sun goes down, that's when the mashed potatoes come out. The water just needs to get warmed, and it's a filling meal.
• Trail Mix: For a one-week trip, we bring four sandwich bags of snacks for each person. FYI, chocolate chips will melt, gluing bits together into tasty, messy chunks. If you don't want the mess, use M&Ms instead.
• Tortillas and peanut butter (or nutella or jam) are a super quick, easy, high energy snacks or meals.
• Bring juice mixes, teas and coffee.
• For anything else, keep in mind that your pack will be hot, and food will get crushed easily. The internet is a great source for camping meal ideas.

The most important part about food is what you do with it at night!
Bears are a problem on camping trips. If you want to avoid them visiting in the night to steal your food, at the end of each night, put all your food into one pack, and string it up in a tree. The tree should be outside of your camp and the pack should be at least two meters (10 feet) above the ground, and four feet from other trees. Anything scented (deodorant, toothpaste, dishes and soap) should be strung up with the food pack.

During the canoe trip

Your day will basically break down as follows:

• Wake up
• Make breakfast and fill up any empty water bottles.
• Break down camp, and pack your bags. We put the food (except for trail snacks and water bottles, which get distributed to people) in one pack. It starts out the heaviest but it gets lighter up as the trip goes on. Before you leave, do a quick site check for forgotten items or garbage.
• Head out in your canoe(s). Your day's route has already planned out, and you know where you need to be that night, so get there. Regardless of how many dams those beavers put in your way. (My Canadian is showing again)
• When you reach your target lake, go find a campsite. Pitch your tent, get dinner going, and replenish everyone's water supply.
• After dinner, string up the food pack.

Sometimes, you might run into wild animals. For the most part, nothing will bother you if you don't bother them first. Keep your distance, and don't feed any wild animals and you should be safe. Animals will only attack if they feel cornered, or if their young are in danger.

This is not a complete list of everything you need to plan a camping trip, even (or maybe particularly) if you've never gone before. So if anyone else has tips that I missed for planning your first canoe trip, leave 'em in the comments!

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