Effazin

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Can I tell an employee who calls in sick at the last minute to find their own coverage?

I know that you always advocate for the employer to find coverage when an employee is sick. But what about when it’s always at the last second?

I own a cafe and people have to be there at 6:30 in the morning. When people text me the night before that they are not feeling well, I have no problem calling around to see if anyone can cover it. I’m talking about when people call at 6:25 in the morning to tell me that they don’t feel well, and should they still come in if they’re throwing up/have a fever? (Magic words in the food service industry.) My opinion is, if you’re calling me at 6:25 in the morning, you knew that you were sick for quite some time, and you’re probably just lying in bed thinking, “Ugh, I don’t want to get up.” So now I have to continue doing my job, plus your job. I don’t have time to call six people to see if they can cover for you. Can I tell people that’s their responsibility?

No, you should not. It’s not reasonable to expect someone who’s sick and probably needs to go back to bed to start making phone calls. Moreover, finding coverage is work! I realize it’s common in food service to treat it as if it’s not and to expect people to do that labor unpaid, but any time someone is spending their time in service of their employer and engaging in action they wouldn’t be taking otherwise, that’s actual work and they should be compensated for it. And in this case, your employee is too sick to do that work and so it falls to you or someone you designate to take on that task instead.

That said, you can certainly ask people to alert you as early as possible if they’re sick. They might be waiting until just before 6:30 because they don’t think you’d want to be contacted at, say, 5 am … so ask them to text as early as they know they won’t be coming in, in case they haven’t thought that part of it through.

2. My manager invited half of us to a party at her house and excluded the rest of us

My supervisor invited two employees to a party at her house this weekend. I overheard (it’s important that I overheard) her invite one, and I texted my other coworkers to ask if they thought that was appropriate (to legitimately get a gut check). That’s when I found out she’d also invited another coworker.

One of the invited coworkers told her I was upset and that I felt it was inappropriate. So I was called to my great-grandboss’s office to “clear the air.”

The meeting determined that she’s allowed to invite some of her direct reports to her house for a party and not all of them. Out of four employees, she invited two and excluded two, and my leadership thinks that’s fine and said we can’t do anything about it because it’s a private event.

Further, my boss stated that I was causing toxicity by asking my coworkers about this. So: the supervisor who is showing favoritism isn’t causing the toxic environment, but the employee who asks about it is? Is this as nuts as I think it is?

Yes, this is wildly off-base. You are right and they are wrong.

Managers have a professional obligation not to show obvious social favoritism, like by inviting half their employees to a party at their house and excluding the others (also by not vacationing with an employee, dating an employee, having sleepovers with an employee, and on and on). People who don’t want that restriction on their social relationships at work shouldn’t accept management roles.

Your employer is 100% wrong that they can’t do anything about it because it’s a private event; they have the authority and the standing to tell a manager in their employ that she cannot show this sort of favoritism and still remain a manager there. The fact that they’re unwilling to is deeply problematic … and the fact that they’re blaming you for raising it is even more so.

3. Therapists and work advice

I, like many professionals, suffer from a mental illness. It’s well controlled with medication and therapy. Still, tough times at work exacerbate it, and I have often found myself discussing work issues with my therapist.

I’m sure the work advice my past therapists have given is what they think will be best for my mental health … but I’m not sure they’ve always understood the professional ramifications of their recommendations. It sucks to say it, but sometimes a temporary, limited sacrifice in one area of life (like a mild knock to my mental health during a stint with a bad boss or company) might set me up for long-term benefits that are worth it to me (a stable, decently paid, and fulfilling career path). It might make me feel better to pour my heart out to my boss and coworkers when I’m struggling — until I got fired for crossing professional boundaries! Then I would feel a lot worse than before. I would rather understand the trade-offs up-front so I can own the outcome, whatever I choose.

It’s awesome that we’re seeing a societal shift away from stigmatizing mental illness and are more willing to believe someone struggling with mental health can be a productive, even high-performing employee. But sometimes I worry that many therapists don’t fully understand that 1) that shift still hasn’t reached a lot of people, 2) some people will exploit any sign of “weakness” to get ahead, and 3) the contractual relationships and power dynamics in a business environment mean that you can’t or shouldn’t deal with your colleagues the way you should with your friends and loved ones. I wonder if therapists themselves have a unique working environment that might color their responses.

I’m not suggesting people shouldn’t seek out therapy if they need it! It’s been a huge help in my life. But are there common pieces of work advice that you hear from some therapists that you wish came with a few more your-mileage-may-vary qualifiers?

Oh yes. Some therapists give advice for handling things at work that might be great in non-work relationships without accounting for the dynamics in professional ones (and which in some cases could cause real professional harm). That’s not true of all therapists by any means, but when it does happen, the two big categories seem to be: (1) trying to destigmatize mental health issues without accounting for the level of medical privacy that’s appropriate at work, or not accounting for the reality that sharing mental health challenges can have professional ramifications (it shouldn’t! but it still does, far too often) and (2) not fully understanding the power dynamics and political realities of many workplaces, possibly because their own work environments are very different from the ones their patients are in.

Some examples that comes to mind from letters here: the therapist who told a patient to start highlighting issues with their work that their boss wasn’t concerned about in order to “break the silence” around imposter syndrome (including things like responding to being called a “perfect employee” with “I don’t feel perfect because of the issue with my work from last Thursday”). In the comments on that letter, we also heard about a therapist who “suggested simple conversations without acknowledging that politics could exist and those conversations weren’t as simple as she maintained” … and someone else reported, “It’s nice that my therapist thinks I so special that my employer should let me work three days a week if I want to, but she has no idea whether it’s a reasonable request.” Those are pretty typical of what we hear about when we hear about bad work advice from therapists.

4. Contacting a hiring manager directly to get around an automated requirement

My stepdaughter will finish her master’s program in December and is currently applying to full-time jobs for once she graduates. However, she’s been blocked from applying to her “dream job” and wants to contact a manager in the company directly in order to avoid using their hiring portal.

Here’s what happened: earlier this year, she applied to an internship with Big Multinational Company and had to take a logic test as part of their application process. However, she failed the logic test. When she tried to reapply and attempt the test again, she received an automated message that because she failed the test, she cannot reapply for any roles with them for 12 months. Now, after a successful internship with a different company, she’s found a full-time role that she would be perfect for with BMC — but her application was blocked, again, due to the failed logic test.

She considers that she’s gained significant new knowledge and experience from her current internship, so she deserves another chance. She found the hiring manager for her dream role at BMC on LinkedIn and wants to send a direct message in order to get around the block that’s been put on her applications on their job portal.

I think this is a terrible idea, but my husband (her dad) says she should do it because she has nothing to lose, so why not try? She’s in a big, generic field, so it’s probably unlikely that “word will get around” or anything like that. I feel confident that this won’t work, but it’s true that I can’t really think of any negative consequences. What should she do?

She can certainly try. If she’s a really strong candidate otherwise, the hiring manager might be willing to consider her — and hiring managers often have the ability to bypass some hiring portal requirements for a candidate they really want (although not always, and it’s less likely at a big multinational company). If she’s not an unusually strong candidate, though, it’s very unlikely that the hiring manager would do that … and they’re definitely not going to do it just because she’s had an internship since originally taking the test. (Presumably most people who failed the test have other work experiences afterward too, and that doesn’t get the 12-month wait waived.)

Either way, her dad is right that she has nothing to lose by trying it so she might as well if she feels strongly about it.

Someone should, however, try to steer her away from the “deserves another chance” thinking — which isn’t really a thing in hiring — as well as the whole idea of a dream job.

This post, weekend open thread – Jan. 14-15, 2023 , was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Ms. Demeanor, by Elinor Lipman. A lawyer is sentenced to six months of house arrest after being caught having sex on her apartment building roof … and befriends a man in her building who is similarly captive. It’s Elinor Lipman, so it’s funny and charming and you are in good hands.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

This post, updates: former coworkers crashed my party, asked to deep-clean the office, and more , was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My former coworkers crashed my networking party

I thought now would be a good time to provide an update on my letter because after a break for Covid, conferences and networking events are returning in full force in my industry. It’s embarrassing to say, but I did not take your advice. I contacted my old boss to complain and ended up escalating the drama unnecessarily — exactly like you said would happen. To make matters worse, my old boss is a terrible manager (which I knew, why on earth did I think calling him was a good idea??) and rather than coaching his employees or asking their side of the story, he made them all feel like awful people and like they couldn’t attend any networking events in the future. It was a terrible outcome for them and only in the last year has my relationships with my old colleagues completely recovered. On the plus side, I did take the great advice of the commenters, one who recommended I reach out to my client to make sure they were comfortable with everything. I did and am so glad because it turned out they had heard there was some drama and were happy I talked over what happened with them.

Now, almost four years later all is well. My largest client is thriving in large part due to our work for them and after years of being a bit dramatic, I feel like I’ve taken a huge leap forward in chilling the F out. Your blog has been so helpful, especially to point out that childhood issues often directly influence how people react at work. After reading I don’t know how many responses where you pointed this out, finally it clicked for me too! I was so used to operating in a volatile, high-stress environment, I didn’t realize it didn’t have to be that way at work. Every conflict is not an attack and every deadline is not an emergency. It sounds simple, but when conflict is so engrained from childhood, you almost get addicted to the rush and it becomes a normal way to operate. This definitely led to a management style that was not sustainable for me or my employees! After reading countless management books, including your Managing to Change the World, and allowing Covid to redirect my focus to my family and young kids, I feel like a very different person and manager than I was when I wrote in before. And my company is doing even better than when I was operating in high alert mode! Thank you so much for the time and effort it takes to put out your blog. And next time I promise I’ll take your advice.

2. Is it OK to ask my employee why she’s leaving?

I planned to take your advice, but as it happened, when I met with my employee to discuss the transition, she told me why she was leaving without my having to ask. She told me that she had gotten another offer that offered her a lot more pay plus the ability to remain fully remote (our office was starting to ask people to come in 1x week and will probably eventually push for more at some point, something that is beyond my control unfortunately).

I did ask her, if she felt comfortable telling me, whether there were other factors or anything I should be aware of with the team going forward. She told me that when she first started, under the previous manager, she did actually feel that there were some culture issues (and was fairly candid about them), but that this had changed a lot since I started and she was feeling good about the team and work environment, it just came down to money in the end. Which I totally understand (and have been there!). So while I am super sad to see her go, I’m happy for her and I’m also glad it wasn’t something glaring that I’d missed.

To clarify something that came up in the comments, I absolutely would not expect any of my team members to tell me they were looking or planning to leave (I have read AAM long enough to know this!). My worry was mostly that I had missed something important in our work environment or culture that was affecting her happiness at work, especially since she is a woman of color and we are in a traditionally white male dominated field. But it seems that it was a more mundane “money talks” situation.

Thanks for your advice and all of the helpful comments!

3. I’m paid a day earlier than everyone else (#5 at the link)

First of all, I was so sad that I ended up having a hectic schedule that week and completely missed participating in the comments as they came in! I loved how many people enjoyed this question. To answer a few major points: (1) My bank is not a credit union. (2) My workplace did NOT use the same bank as me. (3) I am not in the U.S. so some suggestions (like specific banks) didn’t explain it either. (4) Most strangely: a few other coworkers use the same bank and get their paycheck deposited Fridays, not Thursdays.

But ultimately I realized there is no need for an explanation, because it just … is! It was pretty hilarious to read this and remember how genuinely concerned that I was somehow “cheating” the system. One commenter called it “sweetly naive,” which is very funny (and true).

However …I have since left this job and I can’t help but re-read this with clearer eyes now and suspect my concern was impacted by other not-great experiences working there. There was a lot of competitiveness, extremely intense secrecy, and while I never saw any specific financial mismanagement, a lot of budgeting decisions were sketchy, to say the least. It wasn’t like I was an innocent, fresh-faced new grad when I wrote this question, so I think I had just absorbed a very weird and toxic atmosphere that made me feel like this was something I would be penalized for if it was discovered. After the first colleague who shrugged it off, the others I asked reacted like it was some kind of deep dark secret — which is what motivated me to send in my question! I think the fact that my letter was “will I get in trouble for being paid a day early?” and not “some of my colleagues think I should keep it secret that I get paid a day early” is … telling. This post is one of my favorites on your site, so let this be another example of how toxic workplaces warp your sense of normalcy.

My next job paid me every other Wednesday and I never asked anyone else their pay schedule :)

4. My boss wants me to deep-clean the office

When I wrote in, I was working an awful admin job where, among other things, I was expected to act as office janitor on top of regular admin duties. The day you responded to my question on your website, I learned that my position was being eliminated due to that particular office closing and all employees besides me moving remote.

This story has a happy ending. A few weeks after I learned my position was being eliminated, I got offered a contract position with another organization. The pay was good, so I took it despite hesitance about it being a contract role set to run out in six months. I have THRIVED at the new company — I have a supportive supervisor, helpful and kind colleagues, and I work on a team who are incredibly open to helping each other out when needed. The company prioritizes employee well-being and most people here work fully remote or hybrid (so I’m no longer expected to be in the office even when weather conditions make driving very dangerous, another lovely thing about my previous employer!). Everyone I’ve worked with has been extremely happy with my work, and now I’ve been brought on as a full-time permanent employee! I haven’t been this happy with my job since before the pandemic — it’s been a long couple of years so I’m very happy to be in a job where my work is valued and my skills will be utilized the way they should be!

This post, being direct as a Black woman, coworkers identify people by race, and other questions with Michelle Silverthorn , was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

I’m thrilled to welcome Michelle Silverthorn back to Ask a Manager to share her answers to some of readers’ toughest questions on race. Michelle’s new four-part interactive e-learning series, Inclusion LAUNCH — covering DEI fundamentals, unconscious bias, communicating across difference, and allyship at work –will be released later this summer. You can find out more on her website, michellesilverthorn.com. Take it away, Michelle!

1. Being direct as a Black woman at work

In theory I believe in simple and direct communication at work, like the scripts Ask a Manager often recommends for resolving work issues. In practice, though, it’s often off limits for me because I know it will be filtered through the angry Black woman lens. When I assert myself, I’m likely to be seen as aggressive, bitter, hostile, angry, or difficult, like every other Black woman I know, including even the most mild-mannered. So I need to phrase every request a favor or cite someone else giving me permission or authority to make the request (because my own authority is rarely seen as legitimate on its own) and maybe even do it in writing in case someone later says I was aggressive when we spoke. I don’t know what I’m asking, I guess … is there anything to make this easier?

I’m a Black immigrant. I moved to America when I was 17. I learned very early on that as a Black woman, I simply could not say things that my White friends and, later, my work colleagues could. The truth is, even the most innocuous statement (“Can you repeat that?”) can come across as threatening to someone who is already predisposed to think you are threatening. If the angry Black woman stereotype is what someone already has in their head, then no matter how polite, how carefully worded, how calm I would make critiques or corrections, to some of my colleagues it would always come across as aggressive. And it’s outside the workplace too! Ask any Black mom about taking her kids to a predominantly White neighborhood or school or playground. You always feel like you’re being watched – and many times, you are. Perfect behavior is the bare minimum.

I won’t repeat what you already know. You know the phrases to use. You know the tones to employ. You know how to negotiate to reach the solution you want. You know to keep track of who has your back and who does not. You know how to find your manager allies. You know to keep your well-being paramount. You know this because Black women know this. If you grew up in America, there are no other scripts I can give you that you didn’t already start drafting as a child.

So instead, two pieces of advice. First, reframe how you think of their reaction. You say, “I know it will be filtered” and “I’m likely to be seen as…” when you mention your coworkers’ opinions of you. Are you automatically thinking that your asks and requests are going to be seen as aggressive and hostile? Do you believe that they already think you are aggressive and hostile so that’s what you assume their reaction to you will be? Sometimes (many times) they do; but also sometimes, they may not see you as aggressive, bitter, hostile, etc. They may see you as approachable. They may see you as competent. They may see you as as a dynamic leader. I can’t tell you when those situations will arise, but I do want you to try to consider your initial assumptions when warranted.

Second, keep carving out a space of authenticity and belonging for you at your job. What music do you listen to? How do you wear your hair at work? What friends and networks do you socialize with? What shows do you talk about? How much work from home time can you have? How do you interact with clients differently than your colleagues who are not Black might? But most importantly, when you wake up in the morning and you log on, or you commute to work and you enter that door, what values sustain you? Whether it is your ambition or your community or your faith or your ancestors or your excellence or your courage or your legacy, what keeps you there at this workplace – beyond a paycheck? Remember those values and hold on to them. Build your space at work that reflect the values that you have.

And for those who are not Black who are reading this, I want you to pay attention to your initial reaction when a Black woman asks for something, criticizes something, or as your manager wants you to follow her lead. I talk about bias and automatic assumption often. That split second response. What is it? Is it dismissiveness? Defensiveness? Fear? Discomfort? Because trust me, if you feel it, we see it. Be intentional about how you want to change what words, emotions, and reactions you might have, both inside and outside of work.

2. Asking about DEI in an interview

I’m looking for how to ask in an interview if the organization is truly committed to DEI. The office where I currently work gave good lip service to DEI in my interview, but now that I’m here I have found that my coworkers are openly biased about race, gender identities, etc. and it’s quite draining.

I’m in the job market again and don’t want to make the same mistake again. How can I probe deeper in the interview process to find a better culture?

Find me on TikTok, I just did a whole video on this one!

3. How can I support my Black colleague who should be paid more?

I am looking for any ideas for supporting my (black, female) coworker who feels she isn’t being paid equitably with me (white, female). We work in IT. She was hired in an entry level role, but with a degree, about a year and a half before I was, and trained very quickly and effectively on the job to take over an important and rare specialty when a more senior person left. I was hired with about 5 years of experience in that same specialty, and the same degree she has. 

All last year, this coworker and I had the same title and split the workload evenly, doing exactly the same work. My experience mainly allowed me to hit the ground running. (I took a new role this year, but we are now the backups for each other’s roles.)

She asked me about six months ago what I make and shared her salary. If her salary is X, mine is about X + 12%. The company also tends to pay large bonuses and profit sharing, based on percentages, which means my higher base salary will make my bonuses, profit sharing, and raises higher in actual dollars, so the difference will just compound.

We had our reviews on Monday and I’m positive she got the same glowing review I did. She told me yesterday she brought up to our manager that we had talked about our salaries, and his response was that she needed to be careful about doing that because people have been fired (she didn’t explain whether he meant here or at some point in his career he’s seen that happen). I made sure to tell her if there was any way I could support her to let me know, but that feels really weak. What else can I do? 

The company tends to be generous with extremely good health insurance and the bonuses and profit sharing, so it doesn’t seem make sense to agitate around pay generally. Our base salaries are in the range for our positions when you look at salaries online for our areas. It’s just the inequity and the fact that there’s a racial difference that really bothers me. Our manager is an older white man and generally a very good manager, so I was surprised that he reacted that way. From what he’s said, managers here have no control over pay, though. Negotiation on my salary when I started was with the HR Director, and the COO apparently decided my bonus. Profit sharing comes from the owners (the CEO and her family) and raises come from HR. 

In my allyship program, I talk about the difference between good intentions and real action. You seem very well-intentioned, but what I don’t see here is any ask your Black colleague has made of you. It is vital to advocate for pay equity but it also vital to center the experience of the person who is suffering from the exclusion and the inequity. You may want to do something and she may certainly want you to do something, but the very first step is to ask her what she wants to do. In your letter you write: “I’m positive she got the same glowing review I did.” Did you talk about her review? Did she share it with you? Do you yet have that level of trust with each other?

Second thing. She may not know how you can support her because she’s not privy to whatever power you may have or relationships you may have forged. So you saying something like, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” means that she needs to figure out what it is you can do. Instead, offer some suggestions on what you can do based on your role and your responsibilities. Then she knows what actual help you can deliver rather than relying on your “let me know.” The ball stays in her court but now she knows what you’re bringing to the game.

One thing that is giving me real pause is the response from your manager. This is a good entry point for you. You have a “generous” company with “extremely good” benefits and a “very good manager.” It seems surprising based on your description of the company that there is this aversion to salary negotiation, especially with so many parties involved in compensation. Pay equity starts with transparency. You don’t have enough data to determine where the inequity lies. (She started earlier but you hit the ground running with 5 years more experience — is that why you have a higher starting salary?) To gather that data, you need more colleagues and/or a company willing (and oftentimes unwilling) to share. But it looks like that’s a non-starter from your manager’s perspective. Why is that? If I were offering my support, I would let your Black colleague know that you have a very positive relationship with your manager, and you received this stellar review, so you have a lot of runway right now, and you can talk to him about why he, and maybe this company, hold that perspective. Now you and your skillset have entered the game, but the court still remains hers.

4. My coworkers identify people by race

I’m struggling with how to deal with racial/religious comments in the office that aren’t outright offensive, just kind of… off? 

Some of my colleagues (junior to me but not my reports, black, immigrant backgrounds if that’s relevant) will sometimes say things to me (a manager, white, Christian) like:

– When I’m trying to direct them to a certain employee using his cube location, asking “the Jewish one?” (He wears a yarmulke, and yes, is likely the only Jewish man in the office.)

– Describing her move to a new apartment, will say it has “fewer Asians on the street, it’s more diverse.” (The tone was neutral. The old neighborhood is maybe 90% Asian, with a significant proportion being first generation immigrants.)

My default response tends to be monosyllabic (“yes”/”ok”) and changing the subject as quickly as possible, but is that wrong? I’m really not enthusiastic about policing the language of more junior, black coworkers, particularly since I think it’s more due to cultural norms than bad intentions. But this second example (today) was within earshot of my Asian-American report… will he now think I have weird ideas about Asians? Do I talk to him about it? React differently in the moment next time?

This is almost verbatim what I talk about in my TEDx Talk. When I moved to America, it puzzled me how resistant Americans were to identifying people by race. Now that I have lived in America for over two decades now, I understand why. And I understand why it is so deeply uncomfortable, as I relate in my talk, to, say, simply call the assistant you are pointing out in a store “the Black woman.” It sounds racist. There is deep well of racism and bigotry behind saying things like “the Asian American neighborhood” or “the Jewish man at work.” You don’t escape that by saying, “Well, back in my country, we always mentioned someone’s race (or religion or tribe) when talking about them.” You very well might have. I certainly did. But the reality is, in this country, with its long history of horrific racism, we don’t.

That’s changing slowly, as you can tell. Your Black immigrant colleagues are part of a broader generational shift to referring to people by their visible identities. As we get more comfortable talking about race with each other, we will get more comfortable realizing that every time we mention someone’s identity, it will not automatically result in us being thought of as a bigot. So that’s something. However, your comfort is not everything. There is another side to the story. The focus should not be on what your junior colleagues want to say or not; the focus instead should be on whether it makes your colleagues from marginalized communities who are being spoken about feel uncomfortable, excluded, unsafe, and hurt. It’s not about good or bad intentions. It’s about impact.

You don’t need to police every conversation, but in the moment when this situation arises again with you as a conversation participant, here’s what I’d like you to do. The first time you hear something like that, say this: “You mean Michael? Yes.” The second time, “His name’s Michael, why do you call him ‘the Jewish one’?” Listen to their answer and engage with it. If it keeps happening, however, try this: “I want to say something and it might be uncomfortable but hear me out. You mention people’s race a lot when you’re describing them (share other examples in addition to Michael). Sometimes that’s weird for me, sometimes it’s not, and I’m figuring it out. But really, I want to make sure that you’re not offending our colleagues by saying it. There are many people who don’t want to be referred to by their race or religion, because of their experiences or those of their family or community. And that might be especially true when they’re the only one of their identity here. I don’t want to make that decision for them and I hope you wouldn’t want to do that either.”

One more thing. As for that Asian-American colleague who may have overheard the comment about Asian neighborhoods, please do check in with them. “A few weeks ago, I was talking to someone about their new neighborhood. Did you happen to hear that?” If they did, then you can talk about it. If they didn’t, then you can decide how much you share and in what way. But don’t let it stay there because if they did hear it and it did bother them, that’s yet another way exclusion in the workplace continues unchecked.

5. Tokenism in conference networking

I (she/her, white, graduate student) attended my first academic conference during one of last year’s lulls in COVID-19. At conferences, you’re expected to network not only with whatever senior scholars you can get to talk to you, but also with your peers. When I arrived and found that 30 or 40 junior scholars in my specialty were attending, so I aimed to make a little conversation with many of them.

However, one dynamic really threw me. A few of the graduate students were Black—and many of the other junior scholars were being very weird about it! I tried to make introductory conversation with one or more of the Black graduate students a couple of times, when they weren’t already talking with someone else: what topic are you working on? how far are you into your program? Each time, some other graduate student, post-doc, or young professor would come rushing up within a minute and address only the Black student(s) within the conversational circle. Opening lines included:

• “Oh my God, look at you! You’re all so beautiful!”
• “Hello! Look how highly melanated this year’s conference is! Isn’t it wonderful that we’re here representing the future of the field?”

Faced with other people’s over-the-top enthusiasm about my conversational partners and refusal to make eye contact with me, I usually gave up and faded away. And so I became part of the problem: although I was trying to avoid awkwardness the Black students did not cause, my choice to flee meant that I de facto avoided the Black students! 

I like to think that if I had research interests in common with one or more of the Black students, I would have persisted in trying to make conversation with them; I also like to think that if a fellow white graduate student had been making these comments, I would have told them to knock it off. As far as I could tell, though, my research didn’t overlap much with any of the Black students’, so I was chatting for the sake of chatting. Meanwhile, most of the people making the comments were both in more prestigious positions than mine and were non-Black people of color. In the moment, I felt totally stumped!

Although I do not think I handled these conversations well, I don’t know what I could have done better, either. Do you have any advice for me? I suspect I will find myself in a similar position in future conferences, and I would like to feel more prepared.

Picture this. You walk into an academic conference. The room, like the room in many academic fields, appears to be predominantly White. You are one of the very few Black people in the room. In the past, you’ve been the only. You talk to some folks, you network, but you still feel that sense of alienation. Of loneliness. The Lonely Only.

Then, another person of color comes up and gives you the biggest smile and maybe even a hug, and says, “WELCOME! This is going to be a great conference! I am so happy you are here!” And finally, you can let down your guard because someone knows exactly how you feel, that you need the biggest, boldest, loudest welcome to feel at ease here. And that professor who did it? They did it because they knew exactly what it felt like to be that new BIPOC grad student and have to exist daily in an ivory tower.

Now knowing all of that, do you still want to say that the people of color who do this are not genuine in their interest or support?

Academic conferences are hard, especially when it’s your first one. And yes, I’m guessing their statements were a bit performative for their White colleagues there – “Look! There are more of us here! We belong!” But sometimes, we need that performance to know that we can stay and be a part of this community.

You will work with many professors and grad students in your career. You will walk into those rooms and greet people you know and that will all make this networking experience much easier. But I also want you to remember this: no matter how hard networking at an academic conference might be for you, you are still a White woman in an academic world that is heavily populated by White people and because of reasons of racism, you have a far different comfort level walking into that conference than a person of color would.

I don’t know what your field is and I never like to compare identity groups, but stick with me. Imagine if you were the only woman in a room filled with male PhD’s and professors because you work in a field that is overwhelmingly male. Suddenly, a woman, a brilliant tenured professor, say, comes up to you, and declares, “Yes, look at the estrogen! We are representing today!” Would you feel tokenized? Would you feel angry? Or, just maybe, would you feel like, “Thank goodness, there is a friendly face who can understand how bizarre this whole experience feels right now and now I don’t feel as alone.” To paraphrase Dr. Christina Yang, now, you have a person.

So, please, the next time you witness this happening – and you will – decenter yourself. When the time comes, introduce yourself and stay in the conversation. Then one day, later in your career, when you yourself are a brilliant tenured professor and you are in a space where you see a Lonely Only who reminds you of you when you started out, go over to them and give them the biggest welcome ever, so they know – as will everyone else – that they belong here too.