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This week, the mail bag has tips for dressing for a rodeo, hats that won’t blow away in the beach breeze, why I’m sparsely shopping this week’s sale mayhem, and more.  Let’s dive in!

From a friend in the DMs:

Did you honestly buy nothing on Prime Day?  How?  You live on social media.

I never said I bought nothing.  I said that I’m trying to maintain some sanity about sale culture.  With Prime and the Anniversary Sale hitting the same day, my wallet and my sense of calm took a little punch.

The point of a sale is to buy things you would buy anyway but at a discount.  The culture of abundance promoted on Instagram undercuts that with the idea that things (even great, useful things) are the key to a better life.  So while I bought some things, I swore I would only partake in the sale for things I intended to purchase anyway.  Here’s what I really bought:

• A step stool to replace the one the drywall guy made disappear.
• I asked my parents to buy Sloane a Tonies Box for her birthday, and it’s 40% off.
• My summer moisturizer was on deal, so I bought two.
• I needed workout socks, and my influencer pals swear by these.
• And a t-shirt dress already in my cart was $10 off, so I snagged it too.

That was it.  These are all things I will use, many are things I needed, and nothing will be disappointing or returned.  This is how sales should be shopped.  We just all need to learn to let the frenzy wash over us (though with 10-billion Instagram posts filling my feed, it’s been difficult).

Abra,

I started going gray last year and the takeover is accelerating.  What do you do in between touch ups?  I don’t like walking into client meetings with my roots showing.  Advice?

LK

I’ve been slowly turning grey for a decade, but mine has also hit the gas in the past year.  I now need a coloring appointment every four weeks, and by week three, my greys are fully out.  Some of this is accepting that for a few days, I need to just be at peace with this new reality.  But I’m definitely not ready to embrace the grey fully.

In the summer, I add a few blonde highlights to camouflage the grey a bit.  I use this dpHue toner to keep the rest of my color looking fresh.  And if I really can’t take it that day (which is totally fine), I put my hair in a ponytail or bun and use Tarte’s Dab and Go stick to tone it down.  If I want to wear my hair down, the R+Co Spray is the best one.  Just a spritz and a brush through to get decent gray coverage, just be advised, it takes a few tries to get the technique to a place where you don’t look like Ron Popeil.

Hey!

Thanks for answering my question on Threads, can you help me find a sun hat to wear to the pool? Panama hats and fedoras and the like are just not right for my lifestyle (does no one else have wind?) and I need something else.

TIA! 

It’s true most of the beach/pool hats available for sale are the straw hats that can easily blow away on a breezy day.  Personally, I like either a fun ballcap or a visor for the pool.

For the baseball cap, I own this Out of Office hat in doe skin, a washed-black LA Dodgers hat, and this Anine Bing (AB) hat because it has my initials on it.  For the sun visor, I just bought this $10 straw hat from the Rack and I adore it.  It shades my face and can be worn with a ponytail, and thus far, I haven’t had a wind issue.  If you need 360-degree coverage, try this visor option from Anthro.

Hi Belle,

I’m going to my first rodeo (literally) and I don’t know what to wear.  It’s Cheyenne Frontier Days and I have to go to a couple of work related events, in addition to the actual rodeo and concert.  What does a DC lawyer whose tastes skew preppy wear that won’t look like a costume? Thank you.

Beth

First off, let me say I appreciate your desire not to dress up like a cowboy.  Nothing makes me quite as twitchy as when people visit Montana and immediately buy boots, a Carhartt coat and a hat just for strolling around town.  This is not Yellowstone, and you are not Rip.

If you’d like to subtly indulge in a rodeo appropriate look, boots are as far as I would go.  Closed toe shoes are also necessary since the ground at every rodeo is dirt coated with a smattering of hay and manure.  A used pair of boots from consignment or Poshmark for that ‘lived in’ look are best, but new are also fine if you think you’ll wear them again.  And since they’d been fairly trendy during the fall and winter months, you might.

I’d pair these shorter boots with a button front dress or puff sleeve dress.  Also, a simple button up shirt with jeans or jean short is always an option.  I don’t wear a cowboy hat at the rodeo, but with the second look, I would wear a washed ball cap. Rodeo fairgrounds do not have cover from the sun, and it can get hot.

Abra,

Can you help me find adult lingerie for a trip with my partner?  While I am usually neutral toward my body, seeing it in a skimpy lace thong is not what I want at 45.  Is there an option in between?  Not a nun’s habit, but also not a piece of floss?

Thank you for all you do. Cait

Lady, I feel you.  Body neutrality is tough to maintain when, between babies and aging, it feels like my body is constantly changing.  It’s a lot to ask of anyone.

This bra from Amazon is really beautiful and comfortable (shockingly), just pair it with a smooth, flesh-toned bottom.  Also, these Lace Shorty Briefs are surprisingly sexy, and they fit like regular underwear.  Add a slightly sheer balconette bra, and you’re set.

You other option is to choose a chemise.  You can wear a very sultry, all lace option.  Or you can go for a more reserved jersey and lace choice.  Both are easy to wear and easy on the eyes.  Plus size?  Try this all lace option or jersey mix.

Either way you choose to go, the key is that you feel confident.  If you think you look hot, odds are they will too.

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This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

Our company has three partners: me, Lou (my husband), and Sarah (our best friend). Lou’s sister, Leah, and Sarah’s younger brother, Bobby, have worked here for over 10 years and basically feel untouchable and do as they please. Leah has made some effort to correct her actions and she primarily works with Lou so she’s less of an issue.

Bobby, on the other hand, has a history which has been documented and discussed with him numerous times. For example, it is now crunch time in our industry so while everyone else is working hard as a team, Bobby continues to make his own schedule, doesn’t follow the rules, and frustrates everyone around him. He knows that Sarah will always take care of him as she has been doing all her life. Sarah has always employed Bobby after he failed out of college. Bobby is now 49 and Sarah is 56 and the oldest sibling.

I’m the partner who other employees come to with numerous complaints about both Leah and Bobby, but especially Bobby.

We have documented issues, had numerous conversations with Bobby, given chances, but after a short time of improvement, he returns to the poor behavior.

There are grounds for firing both of them, although Leah is a couple years from retiring so I think we’re riding out that one. However, Bobby continues to take advantage of us and acts like he’s untouchable, because he has been. Even with numerous reprimands and changes (we’ve changed his job numerous times,) the end result is he’s lazy, unaccountable for his actions, and disappears while other employees notice.

Unfortunately there is a long family history with Sarah and Bobby, and she’s at her wit’s end on how to handle him.

We’ve hit a wall and I’m afraid we’re going to lose Bobby’s frustrated manager, Jackson. Jackson is doing a great job, but has no control over the situation. Jackson and as other team members have reached out in confidence to me about Bobby numerous times and we have weekly meetings with Jackson to discuss progress. But nothing happens in spite of me telling my partners that we need to do something firm and act responsibly.

We are a 10 million dollar company that the three of us have built from the ground up. 20 years into this, we’re all very close. Sarah and Lou are in a tough spot since it’s their siblings. I’ve put myself in their position and empathize greatly, but business is business.

I recognize this is a difficult situation, but think it’s greatly affecting our team right now and we all have to be on top of our game. I’ve been frank and honest with them both, but nothing I say sinks in.

Ultimately this comes down to whether the three of you, as partners, are willing to fire family members.

If Sarah absolutely will not budge on firing Bobby, no matter what he does, then you and Lou need to decide if you’re going to force the issue or not. Are you able to overrule her? Are you willing to overrule her? It sounds like that’s what it’s going to come down to.

Ideally, the three of you would sit down and hash out the reality of the situation. Is the business’s decision that siblings of partners are so protected that they’re not accountable and can’t be let go? Right now, that’s the way it’s working. Is the business — meaning you, Lou, and Sarah — willing to put real accountability measures in place for relatives, or are you going to keep them at all costs, no matter how they behave, no matter how much they demoralize the rest of your staff, and no matter who you lose as a result?

Those might be interesting questions to put to Sarah. (And you should put them this bluntly; don’t soften them.) But you and Lou need to answer those questions too, because right now you’re letting Sarah sacrifice your business needs to her desire to protect her brother. Are you willing to do what it will take to reverse that?

If Sarah’s top objective is to protect Bobby at all costs, does it make sense for you and Lou to remain in business with her?

If family members are untouchable, then you’re probably going to lose Jackson. You’ve asked him to manage someone without giving him any power to do that job — of course he’s frustrated! (If he wrote to me for advice, I’d tell him to get out because he can’t do the job he’s been hired to do.) You’ll probably lose other people over time too, because they’ll resent being held to standards that Bobby isn’t held to.

All this applies to Leah too. Even if she’s not as bad as Bobby, deciding to just let her go on being a problem for a few years until she retires will impact other people. And what if she doesn’t retire when you think she will? You could be signing on for five more years of this, or more, just to avoid dealing with the problem now.

Beyond the staffing issues, your business also is going to be less effective than it otherwise could be — because of the time and energy put into dealing with Bobby and Leah and the opportunity cost of not having someone better in their positions.

But ultimately you have a Sarah problem more than you have a Bobby problem. If Sarah is protecting Bobby and won’t let him be fired, none of you have any power to do anything about him … and Bobby sounds like he knows that.

When you say Sarah is at her wit’s end about how to handle Bobby, that’s because she’s not willing to use the most obvious option: removing him. When you ask someone to change over and over and they don’t do it, you need to accept they’re not going to do what you need, and proceed accordingly. In an employment relationship, that means you warn them that you will need to let them go if XYZ doesn’t happen, and then you follow through on that. You can’t just cajole and cajole forever.

The three of you have to decide — or maybe just you and Lou have to decide — which goal is more important: running an effective business or employing family members. Right now you’re functioning as if it’s the latter.

[dropcap style=”font-size: 60px; color: #00adef;”] L[/dropcap]ast week I shared my 3 most surprising lessons from my continuous blood glucose monitor experiment.

I was pleasantly surprised by the response.

So here are some other lessons which are changing the way I eat.

3 Foods I’m Going to Start Eating

1. Puff Pastry

Years ago I used to make puff pastry on the regular. Given that it’s 50% butter, I was wondering if the fat content would be enough to offset the blood sugar rise you’d expect from the flour.

So I made some fish pot pies with puff pastry lids.

I kept my pastry serving small at around 50g (2oz) (no problems finding takers for the extra).

Was pleasantly surprised that the pastry caused only a modest increase around 8pm (see graph below).

While I wouldn’t recommend pastry every day. It’s something I’ll cook from time to time. Curious to see what will happen if I replace some of the flour in the pastry with almond meal.

2. Lentils

I’ve already shared how a large bowl of Lentil Soup caused a late night spike.

But a modest serve of Lentilotto (like risotto but made with red lentils) was a-OK (see graph below). So I’m enjoying lentils again about once a week.

2. Homemade Ravioli

I love making this almond pasta for the boys as it’s much more nutritious than dried pasta with the egg and almond meal. And cooks in 2 minutes.

But it does still contain flour, so I haven’t been eating it.

Super excited to test a batch of lamb shank ravioli using Almond Pasta.

Again, I kept my serving modest (didn’t weigh it). And there was no major spike (see graph below).

So if you come to my place on the weekend, I might just cook up a batch of ravioli.

NOTE: The large spike on the left is from lentil soup the previous evening. The slight increase at 9pm is from the ravioli.

The Larger Servings of Protein Experiment

After reading about gluconeogenesis and the concept that our bodies are able to convert protein in to glucose, I’ve been very conservative with my protein serving sizes.

I was keen to see what would happen if I ate an extremely high protein meal.

So one night I had a 300g (10.5oz) fish steak with a side of canned mackerel 75g (3oz) and a few salad leaves. Definitely not a recipe I’ll be sharing any time soon.

Interestingly my blood sugar had a modest spike around 11pm (see below) even tough I had eaten practically no carbs for dinner at 6.30pm.

Planning to experiment with this further but currently thinking that modest serves of protein (around 150g / 5oz) are best for stable blood sugar.

More on my diabetes journey

• 6 Surprising Lessons from Having Gestational Diabetes
• 3 most surprising lessons from my continuous blood glucose monitor.
• Is restricting your diet really bad?
• How to Cater for Different Diets Without Cooking Multiple Meals
• How I Got Pregnant at Age 43 (even though I have PCOS)
• 3 Reasons I LOVE Eating Low Carb
• 3 Biggest Mistakes of Low Carb Bakers

What about you?

Is there anything you’ve reintroduced to your diet recently? Any experiments you’d like me to do?

Let me know in the comments below.

As always, have fun in the kitchen!

With love,
Jules x

The post 3 Foods I’m Going to Start Eating appeared first on Stonesoup.

This letter contains emotional abuse of people, potential physical harm of animals (now stopped/interrupted/not ongoing/the animals are ok for now!, but still I know some people can’t safely read about that), and enough WHAT THE FUCK that you’ll need a comfy chair and a cold washcloth, at minimum.

If you want the teachable moment without reading the whole story, here it is: When a romantic partner wants you to do something that is terrible for you to make life easier for his ex-wife  the lady he’s very much still married to and choosing to prioritize, 1) SAY NO! 2) RUN AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Dear Wise and Benevolent Captain Awkward,

So, I don’t know how to begin this, but I’ll get straight to the point. I was in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. Around March-April, the wife started getting really possessive and controlling of how I lived my life, such as picking apart what I eat, putting the lid on conversations she didn’t want to talk about anymore, and threatening to throw me out multiple times. She also was very nasty to my dogs and they eventually started having behavior problems, which led me to suspect she was doing something to them while me and her husband were at work (their behavior problems eventually disappeared when I dropped them off at my folks). At the end of April/May, I broke it off with her, but I had developed feelings for her husband. Eventually, she found someone else online and was happy with him. She began a polyamorous relationship with them, but she started treating her husband the same way as me. Her husband had enough and decided to end the marriage altogether.

Around the time he began proceedings to file divorce, we began having problems with her dad’s family as they were renting us a house. However, the basement flooded and her family was refusing to provide us tools necessary to clean it up. They also began slacking on keeping the lawn mowed, which got me in a trouble at work since I worked for the city. Eventually, her ex-husband, now my fiancé, and I went to find jobs in another state and were successful. However, her dad’s family did not want her in the house while we went scouting for areas to live that would take large dogs and they wouldn’t take her in either. So, we decided not to leave her behind and take her with us.

During the moving process, my fiancé and I were the ones packing things and running boxes to storage as we were not able to take everything with us, only necessities. It was during this time that she had lost her 3rd job since I had moved in with them, stating she was in pain and had a hard time sitting up, taking phone calls for UHaul, but she also liked to play video games all night. I was aggravated because my fiancé was working two jobs in the same town I was and only bringing enough to pay for some utilities and groceries. She was the next largest check, followed by mine. I became saddled with all the costs of the move, including rent for the new place. Instead of helping us move boxes, her Dungeons and Dragons game became more important than making sure all our belongings were safe or coming with us. My fiancé and I made a storage run one night, only to find out when we came back that she had taken the liberty to pack all of her things in the SUV, leaving hardly room for necessities we needed for the new apartment, such as food, cookware, cleaning supplies, and clothes.

I told her to take the stuff out of the car as we needed to pack more kitchen wares, food, and cleaning supplies. She began yelling at me that she needed her art supplies and PS2 and games, when we had agreed we were taking the PS4. I raised my voice firmly and told her, food, cleaning supplies, and kitchen wares were more important than video games. The video games were going into storage as that is what we all had agreed upon, and it wasn’t changing. I also told her that since I was paying for everything related to the move, to ask if she could take something so that way we could plan for space, if it was possible. She got enraged with me, which forced my fiancé to step in and end the argument as best he could.

In the end, we brought some of her art supplies and PS2. We were forced to leave some food and kitchenware behind. Tired of her treating me like crap, my fiancé told her she had 6 months to find a place of her own or go to her mother’s, which is close to where we live now. She never paid her rental application fee and we couldn’t afford to pay for her rental application either. Since she wasn’t on the lease, she was placing us in jeopardy of losing the new place and damaging my status as a lessee with future rental companies, as I am the primary holder on the account. The rules my fiancé and I established would be followed until she found a job and started contributing to the bills and rent, then she would have a say. However, if she continued to treat us like crap, cause drama among our families, or refused to adhere to the rules, she would be kicked out. Since we were also paying for the move, we told her she was on her own regarding basic necessities, such as toiletries, food, etc. We were maxed out financially, and she had nearly used up all of my large Costco size bottles of shampoo and soap, which normally last me the entire year. If company came over, she was going to stay at her mother’s as both my fiancé’s family and my family do not like her and she would usually begin shouting matches with them. She could also have company over, provided she helped clean up the new apartment. She agreed to said rules.

So after her constantly bitching on the day move, fast forward to today and we are settled in the apartment. My parents stated that after my fiancé and I were done with training for our jobs, they would love to visit us and bring the dogs down as they are currently staying with them right now. I said sure and would keep them posted on dates as I would find out the training schedule in due time. However, our roommate began crying last night, stating that we were kicking her out early and not adhering to said agreement. I told her the agreement was still in effect, but as part of the agreement, if company came down, she had to stay at her mother’s, as we wanted to avoid drama and did not want our company to pay for a hotel. She felt that we were abandoning her. I told her that she had abandoned us in our time of need. We had left things behind just to bring her things to make her feel better. When we needed the extra financial help, she chose to play video games all night and not wake up on time for her job. She countered that she had insomnia and the beginnings of fibromyalgia, to which I said the doctor had not diagnosed you with those things, only her friends. She stated that if she had money, she would’ve gone seen a doctor. I told her to be more financially responsible with her money and not blow it on video games, so that she could take care of herself. And if she had taken care of herself, I wouldn’t be going to Costco for toiletries every 2 months. In the end, she stated, she wasn’t going to say anymore because she was afraid she would cause a big fight. I replied, if she began a shouting match and caused the tenants to call the mgmt. at the apts, she would need to leave asap or I would call the police if she refused. This got her even more upset and then she began blaming me that I was the reason we could not take all of her belongings and that we had to leave things behind because I was too lazy to help pack. I looked her and stated I was working 12 hour shifts up until we left so that we could afford just to get down here, since you left me hanging when you got fired for not showing up on time at UHaul.

I am trying to establish boundaries so that everyone has space. Also, I am trying to establish limits so that my fiancé and I are not literally drowning in debt and she can begin relying on herself financially. I am behind on my bills and I cannot feed/provide for a third mouth anymore. Also, my fiancé and her are still married as they just filed for divorce today. He is afraid she will trying to press charges of abandonment against him if he just kicks her out (We live in TN, I don’t know if that helps). I just want this drama to end and I don’t know what to do. I’m also afraid that if she is still here when the dogs come home, their behavior problems will start again and I don’t want to put them through that. If you could provide any advice, it would be most appreciated.

Sincerely yours,

I can haz break, yesh? No???? Dammnit…

Hi:

There is…a lot…to process here but I also want to mark down for posterity the sentence where my body temperature dropped a noticeable amount of degrees and strange involuntary sounds started coming out of my mouth:

“So, we decided not to leave her behind and take her with us.”

Fifty years from now when you tell people this story, this is the sentence that will still freeze entire rooms. You’ll be able to hear a pin drop. All the arm and neck hairs on all the people in earshot will suddenly stand on end.

There is the problem where your ex-girlfriend/your fiancé’s current wife is abusive, and there is also the problem where your fiancé can’t say no to this lady and you can’t say no to him.Whatever good qualities your man has, and however much he is also a victim of this lady’s emotional abuse, this man looked you in the eye and told you that the woman who routinely treated you like shit & who HURT YOUR DOGS was going to a) be coming with you into your new life and b) you would be paying all the bills for that.

Is it warm in here? What day is it? I feel faint.

I call BULLSHIT 100% on the idea that this was even close to the only choice she or any of you had. Doesn’t she have a fake-mom nearby that she fake-plans to move in with if she can’t fake-find a new apartment in 6 months? (She never intends to actually leave. You know this, right? You will need lawyers, plural, and probably cops, plural to get her and her PS2 games, plural all the way out). When faced with a breakup, she made her housing the problem of the dude who is divorcing her, and, instead of saying “Nope!” he made it your problem. (Worst game of hot potato ever). And instead of telling him “Nope!” and walking away, you negotiated with the lady who used to threaten to kick you out of her home on the regular over how much of her shit gets to fit in the getaway car and how much of your shit has to be left behind. Your fiancé/her husband watched this negotiation unfold and at NO time did he say “Hey, this was a terrible idea! Let’s scrap this whole plan.” No, he only stepped in when voices were raised. What a gem.

Your dude needs to make a safety plan. He needs to hire a lawyer or lawyers, plural, in Tennessee who understand divorce and landlord-tenant law so that he can legally and safely sever all ties with this lady, and then (more importantly) he needs to listen to that lawyer who will almost certainly have instructions for boundary-setting. Here’s a directory of divorce related legal aid services by county in Tennessee. He also probably needs a lot of counseling and support and time to learn & practice the words “Where you stay from now on is not my problem, direct all communication to my attorney from now on” until they stick. He is not ready to have custody of a rock garden, never mind propose and plan a marriage to a fellow human being. He’s still too intertwined with her to be a good partner to you, and all the love for him you have can’t change that.

As for the dogs returning, I wouldn’t leave a tea towel of mine with this lady while I stepped out of the room to take a shit and expect it to be in once piece when I got back. We know that someone who will hurt animals is very likely to also harm people. They can’t ever be in a place she has access to them again. If they’re safe at your parents’ place, they should stay there indefinitely. If your parents can’t keep them long-term, re-home them with somebody who isn’t connected to this lady. If you are even considering bringing them back to a place that has her in it, then you are doing to them what your fiancé is doing to you: Letting magical thinking and a refusal to draw a line put someone you love in terrible danger.

You want the drama to to end, so end it! Control the part you can control, and get yourself away from this doomed household. I know you don’t want to abandon him to her or for it to seem like she is “winning,” but she’s shown you that she will break every promise and cross every line and he’s shown you that he cannot be trusted to take care of your safety or your happiness if it means having to stand up to her. Let him deal with his shitty roommate problem that he enabled. The situation may change with some time, but you can’t plan your life around that change or bet your safety on that change. Please, tell this guy that you can’t rescue him or put up with this lady in your life one minute longer. Show him what it means to actually leave a situation that is not working. Then,

1. Pack what you can salvage of your stuff,
2. Move in with your folks and your sweet dogs for a while,
3. Don’t tell any of these people where that is,
4. Get some counseling,
5. Take all the time in the world to restore whatever can be salvaged of your credit score, your sense of boundaries, and self-preservation.

I wish you luck, and strength, and resolve, and safety, and many miles and years between you and this situation. This is not the only man in the world. This is not the only apartment in the world. You deserve so much better.

P.S. I’m not hosting a comment thread. LOLOLOLsobsobsob Just imagine hundreds of people screaming “RUN AWAY” in unison while also laughing and crying and you’ve about got it.