“What we are seeing across the country as organized gangs of wine moms use Antifa tactics to harass and impede Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents is not civil disobedience. It isn’t even protest. It’s just crime.” — David Marcus, writing in an op-ed for FoxNews.com
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Belle Ave. Wine Moms Gang Meeting Minutes
Date: 14 Jan 2026 The meeting was called to order at 8:00 p.m. by Emily in Lauren’s Basement.
Present: Emily, Lauren, Megan, Katie, Jessica S., Sarah, Jennifer, Amanda, Ashley, Jenny, Rachel, Stephanie, and Jessica M.
Business from Previous Meeting
Jennifer clarified that when she suggested complaining to the cops’ manager, she did, in fact, mean the Sheriff.
Jenny reports that the red wine did not come out of her rug with vinegar or hydrogen peroxide. She suggests cups with lids for the next meeting—matching would be cute.
Ashley apologized for comparing sleep training to torture.
New Business
Welcome to our new member, Katie. Giving birth is the most painful initiation, but she was also made to run the gauntlet of LEGOs barefoot.
Megan provided a refresher of hand signals to use in carpool line.
Sarah explained how to check if your auto insurance covers windows getting busted out by ICE.
Jessica S. offered to be a DD if anyone needs a ride home, because she is now sober and prefers Diet Coke. Motion approved with a toast to Jessica S.’s wellness journey.
Amanda reported on tactical fashion. It is harder to pull your hair if it is in a neat mom bun. Light layers keep you prepared to flee. She’ll find out where the soccer coaches get their whistles.
Stephanie found bulletproof backpacks for her kids; they might make cute diaper bags for self-defense. Milk is soothing after pepper spray. Breast milk even better? Save post-meeting pump-and-dump?
Jenny suggested that red lipstick was trendy in the ’30s and would look more sympathetic if you end up on the news. Reds with blue undertones make your teeth look whiter.
Lauren’s daughters interrupted meeting and were forced to give an impromptu report on middle school gossip. All children are beautiful, but we now hate Hudson P.
Jessica M. led a discussion on making signs for the next protest. Debate over whether or not to censor the f-word. Will decide at next meeting. Discussed the need to move on from puns on Hamilton lyrics.
Next time, everyone, bring your kids’ markers.
Rachel passed out baby monitors to use as walkie-talkies.
REMINDER: The first rule of Wine Moms Gang is not to talk about Wine Moms Gang, especially not to those narcs on the PTA. If you must refer to the group, acceptable cover stories are book club or Bunco.
The meeting was adjourned at 9:30 p.m. by Lauren. The next meeting will be held on Feb 13 in Sarah’s basement once the baby goes down. Bring your own wine.
A customer was looking for a way to find the location of the caret (the blinking line that indicates where the next character will be inserted). They tried GetCaretPos, but it always failed.
Most window manager state functions that were global in 16-bit Windows became per-thread in 32-bit Windows, as part of the conversion to the asynchronous input model. The GetCaretPos function returns the caret position for your thread. (Specifically, the caret that belongs to the current thread and shared with all the other threads that the current thread has been AttachThreadInput‘d to, either explicitly or implicitly.)¹
To get the global state, you can call GetGUIThreadInfo with a thread ID of zero to say that you want the information of whatever thread owns the foreground window.
GUITHREADINFO info = { sizeof(info) };
if (GetGUIThreadInfo(0, &info)) {
if (info.flags & GUI_CARETBLINKING) {
⟦ info.rcCaret contains the location of the caret ⟧
⟦ relative to info.hwndCaret ⟧
}
}
The customer explained that they were writing an accessibility tool that moves the mouse to wherever keyboard focus is. So they filled in the code like this:
GUITHREADINFO info = { sizeof(info) };
if (GetGUIThreadInfo(0, &info)) {
if (info.flags & GUI_CARETBLINKING) {
// Convert rcCaret to screen coordinates
MapWindowPoints(info.hwndCaret, nullptr, (POINT*)&info.rcCaret, 2);
// Move the cursor to the bottom right corner
SetCursorPos(info.rcCaret.right - 1, info.rcCaret.bottom - 1);
}
}
But there are times when the GUI_CARETBLINKING flag is not set, even though you can see a blinking caret with your own eyes. These are cases where the program with keyboard focus is not using CreateCaret but are instead drawing a custom caret that blinks on a custom timer.
We’ll look at that next time.
¹ Things that are local to the current thread (and any other threads it is attached to) include
The capture, focus, and active windows,
The input queue and message queue,
The mouse cursor shape and show count,
The keyboard state,
The caret.
In Windows 95, these things were kept in a structure called the “virtual window information” because it was taking what used to be global state in Windows 3.1 and making it local state, virtualizing each thread into thinking that it was controlling the show. The abbreviation for the virtual information was “vwi”, which was pronounced “vee-wee”. So you might overhear people on the window manager team saying something like “You can’t capture to a window that belongs to somebody else’s vee-wee.”
Book recommendation of the week: The Two Mrs. Grenvilles, by Dominick Dunne. A showgirl marries into an old money family, and there is a murder. My sister sent this to me when I said I wanted something light and it was perfect: a froth of gossip and old money and social climbing. (Amazon, Bookshop)
Now ... this brings me to something very dear to my heart. A particular segment in all television show that warms my body, tingling toes to tingling top of head, and that is, of course, you guessed it, the television commercial. #CowboyWho
WASHINGTON—Panting excitedly as he trotted from room to room displaying his prized possession, a giddy President Donald Trump was reportedly seen Friday strutting all around the White House with a Nobel Peace Prize in his mouth. “Aw, you can tell the president really loves that thing—he even hides it under his bed at night with his ball and his favorite rabbit toy,” said Secret Service agent Douglas Colman, adding that the Peace Prize’s 24-karat gold plating was holding up remarkably well against all of Trump’s slobber. “We were a little worried he could break a tooth on it at first, but he just growls at anyone who tries to take it away from him. Besides, gold’s soft, right? He’s definitely leaving a lot of bite marks in it. We should send that nice Machado lady a picture to show her how much he loves it. Just look at that smile! That’s one proud commander-in-chief. Okay, Mr. President, you’ve got to drop it so you can eat your dinner now. C’mon, dinnertime! Drop it!” At press time, Colman was heard wearily calling for his colleagues to get Marine One ready to go to Walter Reed after Trump swallowed the medal.
Federal prosecutors secured indictments against 26 individuals they accused of rigging college basketball games, with the defendants facing charges that include bribery in sports, conspiracy to commit wire fraud, wire fraud, and aiding and abetting. What do you think?
“Leave this kind of thing to the pros, kids.”
Andy Zorc, Melon Slicer
“Damn, my parlay needed them to get away with it.”
Medical drama The Pitt, which won five Emmys and two Golden Globes in its first season, is back for season two. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the series.
Q: Do I need to watch season one first?
A: No, you can get the gist of it by shooting yourself in the leg and calling an ambulance.
Q: Over what 15-hour period does it take place?
A: This season sees the ER inundated with hundreds of severe brain freeze victims over the course of National Ice Cream Day.
Q: Does Langdon return?
A: Yes, though he is now called “Langdon the White.”
Q: Is anyone new joining the cast?
A: Zendaya is briefly seen wandering in from the Euphoria soundstage to use The Pitt ’s restroom.
Q: How have fans reacted so far?
A: Many viewers were puzzled by Dr. Robby’s decision to commute to work on a motorcycle while holding a loaded gun in his mouth.
MONROE, MI—Citing its ongoing mission to provide customers with the pinnacle of comfort and relaxation, upholstered furniture mainstay La-Z-Boy announced Friday that its latest line of Jasper Rocking Recliners would feature fully adjustable morphine drips. “There’s no better way to relax than with our luxurious recliners and a steady stream of opioids flowing right into your veins,” said La-Z-Boy spokesperson Marie Hampton, showing off a new easy chair’s plush woven chenille IV bag and 10 preprogrammed morphine settings, which according to company marketing materials range from “drowsy numbness” to “metabolic coma.” “Once you’re done, there’s a convenient sharps disposal built into the armrest. So go ahead: Just recline, set your morphine drip to the desired delivery level, and drift away into a deep—possibly endless—sleep.” Hampton added that for an additional fee each recliner could also be outfitted with an Italian leather breathing mask and high-quality mahogany bedpan.
SAN FRANCISCO—In a jarring departure from his usual brash, confrontational on-court behavior, Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green reportedly returned from halftime of Thursday night’s game against the Knicks eerily calm, sporting a large scar on his forehead. “Angry noise gone from Draymond head…Draymond good boy now,” said Green, who sat on the bench petting a gerbil after setting a screen and then just standing still drooling as the play moved to the other end of the court. “Draymond make no more basketball problems. Only nice basketball.” Despite his newly tranquil demeanor, sources confirmed Green was still assessed a technical foul late in the third quarter after wandering onto the court during a live ball and smiling serenely at things that weren’t there.
So-called “pink cocaine,” a hazardous polydrug that can contain ketamine, ecstasy, meth, and sometimes fentanyl, is increasingly being found in U.S. nightclubs among users unaware of its dangerous contents. What do you think?
“For a more ladylike nosebleed.”
Sergio Corona, Sand Appraiser
“Our overdose crisis needed a touch more whimsy.”
Gaby Hoover, Warehouse Navigator
“Nice to see drug dealers embrace their feminine side.”
When should an employer contest an unemployment charge and when should they let it be? I’m an HR department of one, and the managers have me contest almost everything! It’s hard to explain to them when unemployment is supposed to get awarded (poor performance) and when it isn’t (gross misconduct).
Can you help to determine what it should look like? This past year, we had an unprecedented number of firings and it’s been a doozy.
Most of the time, employers should avoid contesting unemployment benefits unless something egregious happened. They definitely shouldn’t be doing it as a reflexive response to any unemployment filing.
First, the basic rules around unemployment benefits: in most states, if someone is fired for not performing well enough, they’re eligible to receive unemployment. If they’re fired for clear misconduct or significant rules violations (which includes things like chronic lateness or absenteeism, cussing out a customer, drinking at work, lying on a timesheet, etc.), they’re not. In overly simplified terms, the idea is that if someone was trying to do their job but just wasn’t good enough at it, they get benefits. If the firing was easily avoidable and their “fault,” they don’t. (You can argue with whether or not it should work this way, but regardless this is how it’s set up.)
Too often, employers view benefits eligibility through a punitive lens — “she shouldn’t get unemployment because she was a screw-up / didn’t try hard enough / messed up the X project / was a pain to manage.” But it’s generally not in companies’ best interests to approach it that way (even putting questions of basic humanity aside). Any employment lawyer will tell you that challenging unemployment makes it vastly more likely that a fired employee will end up suing the company (whether or not they have real cause). For example, say you’ve got someone who was fired and has wondered if their age/disability/pregnancy/whatever played a role but they’re weren’t planning to pursue it … but then you fight her unemployment, which comes across to most people as “they fired me and now they want me to starve and lose my house.” Now she’s bitter and angry, and she decides to talk to a lawyer after all. Even if you ultimately prevail, you’re going to have to spend time and money dealing with it.
In most states, employers pay into the unemployment system based in part on how many of their former employees end up collecting it, so they figure they have a financial incentive to keep those numbers down. But you can’t make that calculation without factoring in the above.
So at a minimum you should tell your managers that contesting unemployment is only for situations where there was gross misconduct, not just where someone wasn’t good enough at the work.
Also: what’s going on in your organization that’s causing an unprecedented number of firings? Maybe that’s legitimate and unavoidable, but are your managers making bad hires? Managing people badly? I’d dig in there as well.
“We looked around for a neutral evil country to trade with, but couldn’t find one.” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre, Clare Blackwood and Nile Seguin) talk about the horrific ICE shooting of Renee Good, Mark Carney’s trade visit to China, the protests in Iran, and Trump’s obsession with interest rates. Then the Approximately 10 […]
WASHINGTON—In an abrupt termination that surprised many White House observers and raised questions about the fate of her remaining staff, first lady Melania Trump reportedly cast longtime aide Heather Schofield into the Well of Gloom on Thursday.
Shortly after midnight, the 55-year-old Trump was seen upon the blasted, confounding landscape of the Glade of Sorrow, where Schofield, her advisor since 2017, groveled on her hands and knees in the mud, grasping at the hem of her employer’s dark cloak. When a flash of lightning illuminated an ancient cobblestone well that had not been there moments before, the aide is said to have pleaded for compassion, to which Trump replied: “Do not beg for mercy, Heather. There is no such thing on this plane of existence.”
Trump was then heard muttering an incantation that caused fingers of black smoke to rise from the well and drag the screaming aide down into its limitless depths, an account denied by the Office of the First Lady.
“Any assertion that the first lady cast Ms. Schofield into the Well of Gloom as a flock of ravens shrieked overhead and blotted out the moon is a total fabrication,” said East Wing spokesperson Nicholas Clemens, appearing ashen-faced and expressionless as he spoke in a flat monotone and maintained an unblinking gaze into the distance. “Ms. Schofield’s departure from this realm was completely voluntary, and there is no truth to the claim that she faced retaliation at work for failing to procure the Necrostone and unlock the unfathomable powers of azogsoth.”
“The first lady and all of us at the White House wish Ms. Schofield the best in her future within the Well of Gloom,” he added.
Sources who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of being cast into an otherworldly vortex themselves confirmed that Schofield was not heard hitting the bottom of the well. She is believed to be the first aide Melania Trump has sent down the eldritch structure since a group of White House social media interns went missing in 2020.
According to staffers who claimed to have peered inside the well, its twisting interior is covered with impenetrable runes that spin downward into infinity. Saying their brief glimpse had driven them to the brink of madness, they speculated that Schofield was enduring unspeakable horrors that would permanently shatter her psyche while denying her the mercy of death.
“Tension had been flaring between Heather and Melania, and to be honest, the writing was on the wall,” said one staffer who worked closely with Schofield, stating that Trump had frequently criticized the aide’s job performance. “Once it became clear Heather couldn’t conduct the arcane rites necessary to obtain the Necrostone, the atmosphere at work got really tense. Just last week, Melania rebuked her in a dead tongue in front of everybody, causing our eyes to roll back in our heads and making us lose consciousness. It was pretty awkward—and unprofessional too, I might add.”
The staffer added that since the aide’s ejection from the earthly plane, morale has been low in the first lady’s offices, where an air sour with brimstone fills the halls and at least one staircase is “awash in blood.” In the East Wing, Schofield’s former coworkers can reportedly hear her warped, guttural moans inside their own minds, making it difficult to concentrate.
Many in the White House described Schofield as a person who couldn’t handle the stress of her job. One source noted her hair had suddenly and inexplicably turned pure white. Another stated that she would often come into work in a shirt that was mis- buttoned and drenched in a strange glowing ichor. But few expressed pity for her ceaseless torment.
“Yeah, it’s sad when someone loses their job, but you know the second the tattered remains of her soul are released she’s going to cash in with a pathetic tell-all about Melania,” said a source within the Office of Communications, suggesting publishers would be “chomping at the bit” to get their hands on a memoir by someone who had spent significant time in the Well of Gloom. “Whatever. At least the well has been fed.”
The source added, “Besides, Heather was clearly not the chosen one who, according to prophecy, will decipher the secrets of azogsoth, slay the First Elders with Igora’s Blade, and allow the first lady to enter the Sphere of the Deathless, where she will reign supreme for all eternity.”
WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—In an attempt to curb impulsive purchases made in periods of deep emotional distress, music store chain Guitar Center announced Thursday that it had instituted a 72-hour waiting period for all customers. “Owning a guitar is a huge responsibility, and the last thing we want is for these instruments to fall into the wrong hands,” said Guitar Center CEO Gabe Dalporto, who added that the mandatory cooling-off period was an easy, proven way to prevent customers from purchasing acoustic or electric guitars, basses, or keyboards and ultimately doing something they would regret forever. “The fact is, we see many customers come in at their lowest point, hoping to commit unspeakable acts like starting a cover band, attending a jam session, or writing and recording their own music. I’ve seen far too many disturbed young men ask me to help them learn the guitar lick from Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man.” Make no mistake: These safety policies save lives.” Dalporto added that Guitar Center would also be adding mandatory background checks to make sure customers had no prior mental health issues before purchasing a drum set.
With its proposal of the first-ever $1 trillion defense budget, the White House has sought a dramatic increase in funding for the armed forces. Here, The Onion breaks down President Trump’s military spending by the numbers.
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