QUEEN’S PARK – As Prime Minister Mark Carney inks a deal with Chinese President Xi Jinping to integrate their countries’ electric vehicle sectors, possibly impacting Ontario’s car manufacturing, Premier Doug Ford is furious because “punching down is kinda my move”. Ford had harsh words for the EV agreement, and even harsher words for the notion […]
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that he was only going to tell them this one more time, White House plumber Terry Robertson reminded staff Monday that only Donald J. Trump Commemorative Food Waste could be placed down the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Disposal. “Please, people, I’m begging you—we don’t want to clog the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Sewer Line,” said Robertson, who urged White House personnel to put all Donald J. Trump Commemorative Coffee Grounds, Donald J. Trump Commemorative Potato Peels, and Donald J. Trump Commemorative Cooking Oil into the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Garbage Receptacle, where it belonged. “This isn’t just any kitchen, okay? This is the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Kitchen, so let’s show some respect. And while we’re on the topic of respect, let’s try to remember that Donald J. Trump Commemorative Feminine Hygiene Products cannot be flushed without me having to use the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Plunger.” At press time, the frustrated plumber was reportedly threatening to march right into the Donald J. Trump Commemorative Walk-In Freezer and “blow [his] goddamn brains out.”
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a move that supporters have called a long overdue acknowledgment of the rights that should be accorded to all infectious agents, the Florida Legislature passed HB 1637 Wednesday, a law granting viruses personhood. “Whether we’re talking about measles or hepatitis B, these are living beings who deserve our protections,” Gov. Ron DeSantis said after he signed the Viral Personhood Act into law, adding that only “fringe liberals” could deny what he described as the common-sense view that viruses are endowed with the same humanity as their host organisms. “The moment a virus starts spreading through your bloodstream, it can feel pain, just like any other person. In fact, if any of our critics would just look at an HPV strain’s cute little histones under a microscope, they’d realize these viruses are actually a whole lot like us.” DeSantis also encouraged state lawmakers to swiftly pass a near-total ban on the use of bleach on viruses over 6 milliseconds of age.
HYDE PARK, NY—Saying their beloved family patriarch had wanted to make one final contribution to the world he was leaving behind, relatives of the late Jasper Weaver confirmed Tuesday that he had donated his body to culinary science. “Dad always said he didn’t want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so much humanity could learn by vacuum-sealing it with aromatics in a 135-degree water bath for two hours before finishing with a quick sear,” said Weaver’s son Jacob, adding that researchers at the Culinary Institute of America would use the deceased 83-year-old’s cadaver to explore the deepest mysteries of the Maillard reaction. “It was his last wish to advance the field of gastronomy. I believe it brought Dad real comfort to think that his donated tissue could help researchers enhance the mouthfeel of tomato bisques after he was gone. There’s still so much we don’t know about what happens to the human brain when it’s combined with eggplant and a little tahini, or how the human liver holds up in a pâté, but thanks to him, culinary science is one step closer to unlocking all the flavors of the human body.” At press time, Weaver’s family had reportedly received a small urn containing a portion of his cracklings for burial.
Sure, you can purchase this lovely, bespoke ranch house in a scenic neighborhood, but can one actually own anything on this wretched planet we call Earth? Or is everything, like this affordable dream home with a finished basement, eventually reclaimed by the elements as it withers to dust and is lost in the ever-shifting sands of time?
A Pew Research Center survey found that 62% of American adults say they interact with artificial intelligence several times a week or more. Here are some tips for using AI.
Fact-check any information provided by asking the follow-up question “Are you sure?”
Offset your water footprint by not bathing for 72 hours after each use.
Don’t ask AI for medical advice until you ask it to generate a medical license first.
Mask your identity by adding, “I, Barack Obama,” to the beginning of each request.
If the AI’s response seems incorrect, try changing your perception of reality so it is.
Do not give the AI any chocolate.
Be specific by providing context on why you’re sexually harassing the woman in the photo.
Give the AI restraints, like “Don’t tell me to kill myself as part of this stir-fry recipe.”
Set aside $400,000 for the lawsuit.
Weigh any ethical implications against how much of a fucking drag it would be to write that mass-layoff email yourself.
I wonder how many appearances in my comics Bobby Problems will rack up. He’s immediately compelling. I think history (and bitter experience) tells us that it will either be one, or one thousand.
The EU and the Mercosur bloc of South American countries formally signed a long-sought landmark free trade agreement on Saturday, capping more than 25 years of negotiations to strengthen commercial ties in the face of rising protectionism and global trade tensions.
KANSAS CITY – As the Canadian hockey romance Heated Rivalry gains popularity in the United States, conservative pundit Kirk Burnham’s attempt to stir up controversy over the show’s gay themes ended in tears over the “utterly beautiful” climax of the fifth episode. The arch conservative host of the popular “Burnham Down Podcast” had reportedly set […]
Vevor, an e-commerce giant in the home improvement sector, has chosen Houston as the location of its first company-owned flagship store. Located at 10951 FM 1960, Houston, TX 77065, the new store will replace a vacated Big Lots. Vevor has sold most of its items on various online platforms and, more recently, through brick-and-mortar retailers such as Home Depot. Vevor sells a range of white-label equipment (power tools, hardware, landscaping equipment, etc.) under its own ...
Giant Days seldom entered a lecture theatre. I always felt that it was cruel to ask an artist to draw one, having done it once or twice myself. But Little Days goes where Giant Days dared not. I’m not going to lie: we’re still in a lecture theatre in the next comic.
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