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19 Feb 20:23

I’ve been using my company credit card for personal expenses

by Ask a Manager

A reader writes:

I used my company credit card for personal expenses over a long period (so, definitely not accidental purchases). I assumed it was somewhat frowned upon, but thought it was fine as long as I paid it off on time on my own dime. The balance amount over the months has ranged from $1,000 – $4,000.

I did not realize it was a violation of agreements until I neglected to pay the balance for one month. (Before that, I had been paying off the full balance every month.) I did end up satisfying the balance, but obviously that invited scrutiny into how I have been using the card and they went back and looked at the history of transactions.

HR set up a call with me to ask about the situation, lowered the credit limit on the card, and asked if I wanted to just cancel the card. I said to go ahead and cancel the card; now that I understand the cardholder agreement better, I don’t anticipate using the card again for personal expenses. Would it have been better to keep the card and just not use it to prove that I could be responsible?

I apologized and took responsibility, but I am experiencing overwhelming shame and anxiety over the situation, and have reached out for professional help (my therapist and a financial counselor). This is tied to a larger mental health, shopping addiction, and impulse control issue I have been seeing a therapist about. I don’t really want to have to reveal that part to work, so I haven’t as of now. I looked briefly into our EAP and it felt risky to seek help there.

I didn’t realize it was potentially a terminable offense. I do realize that now after researching the issue once HR scheduled a meeting with me. And I don’t have a professional or reasonable explanation for using the card in that way, so I realize how bad it is and looks.

I obviously worry that this puts me at the front of the line to be fired or let go, so I am wondering if I should start seriously job searching.

I realize I am 100% in the wrong and I feel physically unwell about the situation. I would like to save my job but I also know that may not be realistic. Besides this, I have had good performance and recently (in the last month) received a merit increase.

First, for the record: as you know now, this wasn’t okay to do. You were borrowing their credit for your own personal use, and you opened them up to the risk that you’d rack up charges you couldn’t pay off immediately, and it’s not okay to do that in some else’s name without their explicit consent.

But it doesn’t sound like you’re about to be fired over this. HR met with you about it, they addressed it, you paid off the balance, and they gave you the option of canceling the card. If they were getting ready to fire you, they’d be a lot less likely to have given you a choice; they would have simply canceled the card. They also likely would have indicated the situation was still an open one, but it sounds like they consider it dealt with.

Their perspective is most likely that you misunderstood the agreement but you paid it all off every month so you weren’t stealing from them, it’s been addressed, and unless it happens again, it’s been handled. They’re obviously not going to be happy about it — but based on how they’ve handled it so far, it doesn’t sound like they’re gearing up to fire you.

It would likely be a very different outcome if they had been paying the expenses you charged or if you built up a balance you couldn’t pay off yourself immediately (like this person who racked up $20,000 in personal expenses on his company card). 

If I were your boss and you were otherwise a good employee, I’d be concerned that this happened, it would make me doubt your judgment, and it would take time to build trust back, but I wouldn’t be leaning toward firing you over it unless there were other issues, particularly around trust and responsibility. I do think you need to talk to your boss about it if you haven’t already — raising it proactively if she doesn’t — and tell her you’re mortified and nothing like this will ever happen again. I’d want to hear that in her shoes. In doing that, you’ll also get a better sense of where she stands on all of this. That conversation might make it clear that she considers it handled and in the past, or it might make it clear that she doesn’t — but either way, it’ll be a helpful discussion to have.

In answer to your question about whether it would have been better to keep the card open and just not use it, I don’t think it really matters one way or the other. If anything, as your boss I’d probably prefer that you chose to close it so it didn’t remain something that I’d have to check periodically.

The post I’ve been using my company credit card for personal expenses appeared first on Ask a Manager.

18 Feb 22:00

‘He didn’t take on an iconic role, he made the role iconic’: W.F. Strong on Robert Duvall

by Laura Rice
Texas Standard’s commentator remembers the Academy Award-winning actor who was not born a Texan, but played a heck of one on TV and film.
18 Feb 22:00

Judge declares mistrial in Prairieland ICE shooting trial over lawyer’s ‘politically charged’ shirt

by Raul Alonzo
The shirt, which appeared to show civil rights protestors, led Judge Mark Pittman to halt jury selection.
18 Feb 21:53

Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting

by The Onion Staff

WILLOW SPRINGS, IL—Expressing exasperation over the constant Chinese New Year chatter, local thoroughbred Lady Star told reporters Wednesday she was annoyed at all the comments she was getting about the Year of the Horse. “Everyone keeps asking me if I’m excited about it being the Year of the Horse, and I’m like, uh, I guess?” said the 4-year-old mare, who noted that while she understood the well-wishers had positive intentions, she would really prefer to focus on going about her day and eating grass. “No one’s asking the dog if she’s excited about it being the Year of the Horse. I didn’t even know it was Chinese New Year, let alone the Year of the Horse. Feels a little racist if you ask me.” Lady Star added that as a devout Christian, she was slightly uncomfortable with “the whole superstitious” aspect of the celebration.

The post Horse Annoyed At All The Year Of The Horse Comments She Getting appeared first on The Onion.

18 Feb 21:47

Canada invokes NATO Article 5 against Sweden following Olympic curling conflict

by Ian MacIntyre

NORTH SEA – Following a dispute at the 2026 Winter Olympics in which the Swedish team accused Canadian players of cheating, Prime Minister Mark Carney has mobilized the whole of the Canadian military to attack Sweden, invoking NATO’s collective defence article. “This impugning of Canada’s honour by suggesting that we ‘double touched’ the stone is […]

The post Canada invokes NATO Article 5 against Sweden following Olympic curling conflict appeared first on The Beaverton.

18 Feb 17:37

#Kento #RoninWarriors

18 Feb 17:37

Hey man, is that you putting on all that weird ...

Hey man, is that you putting on all that weird stuff? #CowboyWho

18 Feb 17:37

It is Blando the Unforgettable. That's why I ch...

It is Blando the Unforgettable. That's why I changed my name from Blando the Magnificent, so people would not forget it. #CowboyWho

18 Feb 17:37

So You Want to Build a Tunnel...

by Wesley Crump

[Note that this article is a transcript of the video embedded above.]

It seems like homemade tunnels are kind of having a moment. Just about everywhere I look, it feels like someone is carving new spaces from the ground and documenting the process online. Colin Furze might be the quintessential example, with his wild tunnel project connecting his shop and house to an underground garage. You can watch the entire process in a series of videos on his YouTube channel, and he even started a second channel to share more details of the build. But he’s far from the only one.

TikTok creator Kala, lovingly nicknamed “Tunnel Girl,” has been sharing the almost entirely solo excavation of a tunnel system below her house, amassing more than a million followers in the process. Zach from the JerryRigEverything channel has an ongoing series about a massive underground bunker project. Not strictly a tunnel, but in the same spirit. In Wisconsin, Eric Sutterlin and a team of volunteers have built Sandland, which features a maze of sandstone tunnels in the hillside that can occasionally be seen on the Save It For Parts Channel. My friend, Brent, bought the abandoned mining town of Cerro Gordo and regularly explores the shafts and drifts on his channel, Ghost Town Living. And there are lots more. Wikipedia has a whole page about “Hobby Tunneling,” which it defines as “tunnel construction as a pastime.”

There’s something captivating about subterranean construction, delving into the deep, carving habitable space from the earth. In one case in Toronto, a tunnel was discovered in a public park, sparking headlines worldwide and fueling wild conspiracy theories about terrorist plots. Turns out, it was just a guy who liked digging. When he was interviewed by Macleans, he said (quote) “Honestly, I loved it so much. I don’t know why I loved it. It was just something so cool…”

What more can you say than that? Some of us just yearn for the mines. Plenty of people have front yards and back yards, but not everyone has an underyard. But the thing is: underground construction is pretty dangerous. And not only that; it also poses a lot of very unique engineering challenges that a hobbyist might not be prepared to solve. So I thought it might be fun to do a little exploration into modern tunnel construction methods used in public infrastructure and how those lessons can be applied to endeavors of the more homemade variety. Don’t take it as advice; I am a civil engineer, but I’m not your civil engineer. That said, maybe I can at least give you a sense of what’s involved in a project like this, and some things you might want to study further before you get out the pickaxe and helmet light. I’m Grady, and this is Practical Engineering.

I think one of the reasons that tunneling is so awesome is that the underground seems like a kind of no man’s land. It’s a different kind of wilderness - unexplored territory in a world where everything already feels explored. But it’s not really true. Land ownership is a tricky subject, but in most places, when you own land, you don’t just own the surface but everything below it as well. There are obvious practical limitations to that; some places separate mineral rights; and there’s plenty of legal nuance too. But in effect, it means that trespassing is still a thing below the ground. Land ownership is 3D. Major tunnel projects, whether for transportation or utilities, are preceded by the acquisition of rights, typically in the form of subsurface easements. In some cases, it can be a pretty nice deal for a landowner: getting paid just for a subway or highway, sewer pipe or fiber optic line that can run deep below your property without you even noticing.

So that’s the first rule of hobby tunneling: only do it where you’re allowed to. There’s an old internet legend about a plumber in Ireland who dug a tunnel from his house to the local pub. It started as a satirical news article that a lot of people believed. But I think the reason it spread is that it taps into a comforting fantasy: that if you go deep enough, the rules stop applying. Unfortunately, they don’t. Even a tunnel that never breaks the surface can still constitute trespassing, and “nobody noticed” isn’t a permit.

Speaking of permits, just like any other part of the built environment, there are often regulations around where and how you can construct a tunnel. I’m talking about building codes. They can feel frustrating to someone who just wants the freedom to build what they want on their own property. The thing is: codes really aren’t there to protect you from yourself. They’re to protect the safety and well-being of everyone else. They’re kind of society’s way of recognizing that the built world is more stable than the people who make use of it. A tunnel is likely to outlast the person who designed and built it, so authorities often want a say in how it's made.

This is a very broad statement, but I think it’s fair to say that we generally enjoy an expectation of safety when we interact with the built environment. The main reason for that is codes. They’re how we bake lessons from past tragedies into the next generation of construction. Codes are often written in blood, as the saying goes. So that’s lesson 2: get a permit. Even if you live in an area with no building codes, if you have a loan, and especially if you have an insurance policy, there’s a good chance that your lender or insurer is going to have something to say about a hobby tunnel. No one likes red tape, but digging deep means the stakes are high enough that some amount of prudence makes sense.

Of course, if you do dig in a place with building codes, those codes probably aren’t going to give you specific design criteria for a tunnel project. Instead, for unusual projects with high consequences of failure, they’ll tell you something pretty simple: you need to hire an engineer. There’s just too much that can go wrong for any building authority to trust an unqualified hobbyist to get the details right. And I want to show you just a few of the things that an engineer is going to consider in the process.

First and foremost is the ground itself. Not all tunnels are created equal because geology varies across the world. And nearly every part of a subsurface project is affected by geology. You don’t choose the design parameters; the ground does.

Take, for example, the excavation process itself. Look at the vast array of mining and tunneling equipment to get a sense of how conditions dictate the methods and tools. Maybe you have soft sandy soil that’s easy to dislodge with a shovel or pickaxe. Firm clays or softer rock might require power tools like a hydraulic arm or hammer drill. Hard and competent rock steps up the challenge, where larger rock milling or grinding equipment or even blasting with explosives is the only way to make progress. The tools you need to excavate depend entirely on what kind of rock or soil you have to work with, but that’s not all it affects.

In general, the ease of excavation is inversely correlated with stability. The more readily soil or rock particles come free from each other when you’re digging, the more likely they are to do it when you don’t want them to. I’ve talked about excavation safety in some previous videos. The gist of it is that soil and rock don’t love tension. Any time you cut a steep or vertical slope, it changes the forces between the particles, whether they’re tiny grains, cobbles, boulders, or slabs. Soil particles are strong against each other, but they don’t hold on so much if they’re pulled apart. Trench collapses are one of the most common causes of construction fatalities. Modern projects go to great lengths and expense to stabilize excavations like trenches and holes. Temporary shoring supports the walls of the excavations so they’re safe to work inside. And what is a trench if not a topless tunnel? But adding that top makes things more complicated.

For one, you have a roof of earth above you. Talk about tension in soil and rock. Trying to use them as a ceiling is basically the most unstable loading condition you can have. For two, we have to talk about the idea of earth pressure. Just like the water pressure goes up as you swim downward, the Earth does a similar thing. The deeper you go, the more stress the materials are under from the weight of the soil and rock above. Of course, earthen materials don’t act exactly like fluids. They can arch and shift load paths around an opening, but it’s extremely material-dependent.

For most types of soil, you basically need support as soon as you excavate, particularly for the roof. Usually, that means using a shield. This is a hollow box or tube that advances with the tunnel, providing temporary support for the walls and roof while leaving the face open for excavation. As you cut and remove the soil, the shield moves forward to support the newly excavated area. These have been used since the early days of tunneling, and even modern tunnel boring machines in soft soils use a shield for temporary support until a permanent lining is installed.

For rocky tunnels, engineers often use the concept of “stand-up time” for gauging safety and the urgency of getting supports in place. This is very empirical. It’s based less on the physics of the situation than on simple observations over a long period of time. The idea is that, if you can measure a few important properties of the rock mass you’re tunneling through (like strength and spacing of joints), you can get a rough idea of how long an unsupported excavation will remain stable. This chart shows that relationship between the roof span, the rock mass rating, and the stand–up time. You can see there’s a zone of immediate collapse where the span is too big or the rock mass is too unstable. And there’s a zone where no support is needed for small spans and competent rock. In between, there’s a time limit for how long you have to install supports, and that limit can vary from hours all the way to years.

Beyond temporary supports used during excavation, most modern tunnels rely on some kind of permanent support. This is important not only to protect the people and stuff inside from a collapse, but also for the stability of anything above. When a tunnel collapses, that movement can translate all the way to the surface, leading to settlements, sinkholes, and damage to buildings and infrastructure above, especially when the tunnels are shallow. I have a whole video on that topic you can check out after this. Major tunneling projects have extensive monitoring plans to check for movements and adjust construction accordingly. That might mean instruments like extensometers and inclinometers, high-precision survey equipment, and vibration sensors. For a hobby tunnel, especially if you’re building below a structure like your house, monitoring for movement is a smart move, even if it’s just a well-placed benchmark and a cheap laser level. Otherwise, your instruments become doors that won’t close and foundation cracks that weren’t there before.

Like temporary supports during construction, permanent tunnel supports vary a lot. For fairly competent rock with only some joints and fractures, where the instability is dominated by discrete blocks and wedges, support can be as simple as rock bolts. These anchors are used to stitch the rock together, and they work surprisingly well. I have a video on that topic, too, where I used model rock bolts to create a table of gravel. For tunnels where the risk of collapse is greater, many use concrete for permanent lining. The big projects that use tunnel boring machines often have an entire system that can take pre-cast concrete segments and assemble them, almost like Lego, on the backside of the machine. Then the annular space between the tunnel walls and lining segments is often pressure grouted so that you get a consistent transfer of ground pressure into the tunnel lining. You can use traditional cast-in-place concrete for lining, too. It’s easy to get good contact with vertical walls because the concrete can be cast right up against them. But, it’s a lot harder to place concrete for a roof section that makes good contact without leaving voids. Instead of that, many tunnels rely on pneumatically-placed concrete, sometimes known as shotcrete or gunite. That gives you the benefit of not needing forms, but much like using a tunnel boring machine, shotcrete does require specialized machinery and concrete mix designs that aren’t super accessible to a hobbyist.

Of course, even if the walls of your tunnel are supported after excavation, you still have the challenge of spoils. This is a little silly to say outloud, but this is one of the most difficult parts of tunneling. When you build something on the surface of the earth, the stuff that was there already (namely, the air) essentially gets out of the way on its own. With a tunnel, you have to do that work yourself.

Do a little mental math exercise with me. Multiply the length of the room you're in right now by its width and its height. Then multiply that number by the average unit weight of soil. If you don’t know it by heart, I’ll put it on-screen now in a few unit systems. Was your answer more than 50 tons? (Either metric or imperial - they’re close enough that it doesn’t matter here.) If you are in anything other than a small closet right now, it definitely was. And I don’t know the last time you moved 50 tons of something, but that is an enormous endeavor on its own, especially because most hobby tunnels don’t have the space or budget for heavy equipment that is normally used for earth-moving projects. And not only do you have to get it out, you also have to get rid of it somehow, unless you happen to have the land to keep a stockpile nearby. At least with mining, the muck often contains ore, which is a valuable resource. For hobby tunnels, and indeed nearly all tunneling projects, the spoils from excavation are essentially a waste product and represent one of the most difficult aspects of the entire process. In many ways, tunneling is a supply chain problem disguised as digging.

Even once you have support, you still have the challenge of water. It doesn’t just flow downhill; it also flows down into hills and any other permeable material it can find. Lots of homeowners with old basements understand this challenge. Providing structural support and keeping water out are two distinct jobs for a basement wall or tunnel lining system to do. It’s not feasible to make the walls 100 percent waterproof, even in underwater tunnels. Concrete cracks. Joints open up. It’s basically inevitable that water will get in, so a good design takes that into account. Modern tunnels are equipped with sophisticated drainage systems that collect water, whether it seeps in from the ground or gets in through the portals. Many tunnels even use a sloped profile so that water can drain out the ends through gravity. If that’s not an option, a collection sump and pump is the other way to manage the water. Just keep in mind that any materials that struggle in moist environments, like wood and unprotected steel, may not last long below the ground.

Speaking of humidity, air is another challenge in tunnel engineering, both during construction and afterwards. In any confined space, you can have higher concentrations of dust and gases that aren’t safe to breathe. Work in spaces like this comes with very specific safety rules, that include ventilation, gas monitoring, and a standby attendant to maintain communications and call for help if it’s needed. Ventilation is important after construction, too. Of course, vehicle tunnels have to deal with exhaust fumes, so their design can get pretty complicated. I have a few diagrams in my book, Engineering In Plain Sight, if you want to learn more. But even in a simple hobby tunnel, fresh airflow is critical. Depending on the layout, it can be pretty tricky to get fresh air IN and stale air OUT of the entire space. Ducting and fans are just one more of the complicated systems to juggle.

Another reason ventilation is so important in tunnels is the potential for fires. Engineers have to consider where smoke will go and how to keep tunnel occupants safe in the event of a fire inside. Hobby tunnels usually don’t have vehicles with combustion engines, but they still carry life safety risks like any habitable structure. So the layout should consider multiple routes for egress and fire suppression. And there are so many of those kinds of details that are, at the very least, worth consideration, even if not absolutely necessary for a small-scale personal project.

I love the idea of hobby tunnels. There’s an aspect of exploration and mystery that you can’t really get anywhere else than underground. I don’t have a tunneling project of my own, but I definitely live vicariously through the ones I see online. And I hope this video doesn’t feel like a wet blanket over any of that. Obviously, the risk profile for an individual hobbyist is going to be a lot different than for a public infrastructure project, so the design, construction methods, and feasibility all look different as well. This is not a how-to video (again, don’t take it as advice), but it’s also not me saying “You can’t do this.” I just think it’s interesting to consider the modern solutions to engineering challenges in large-scale tunneling and how those lessons might apply to intrepid hobbyists.

18 Feb 17:37

Retail News: Randalls to close Uptown location in April

by Mike
With this location closing, Randalls will be down to 13 stores in the Houston area. The Randalls at 5161 San Felipe St, Houston, TX 77056, will close its doors around April 18th, which Albertsons confirmed to the media yesterday. The information provided indicates difficulty renewing the lease as the reason for closing the store. The store, which opened in 1996 as #67, was the final location to open under Onstead ownership. The store represented the ...
18 Feb 17:35

Expect humid, warm, foggy and at times misty weather until Saturday night

by Eric Berger

In brief: A warm and muggy air mass will dominate our region into the weekend before a front drops down from the northwest and sweeps it into the Gulf. Some inland areas may see lows in the upper 30s early next week, but a freeze is unlikely.

Overview

Houston’s weather will be dominated by a persistent onshore flow in the coming days that will bring mild, warm, and humid southerly air into the region. Despite the increasing moisture levels, lift of this warm air at the surface will be mostly suppressed, which will in turn limit our region’s rain chances. While we may see some light, misty showers in the coming days, I don’t think we are going to see much (if anything) in the way of accumulations. We will see a chance for late night and early morning fog, however, as dewpoints match temperatures and overnight winds settle down.

Thursday should be the warmest day of the week. (Weather Bell)

Wednesday

Highs today will reach around 80 degrees in Houston, with slightly cooler conditions closer to the coast. Afternoon wind gusts will reach about 20 mph, and with dewpoints in the 60s it will feel fairly humid outside. Overnight low temperatures will fall only into the 60s tonight.

Thursday and Friday

These two days will be similar in Houston, with highs in the lower 80s for the most part. Our daytime temperatures will depend on afternoon cloud cover. Each of these days will also have a low chance of light or misty showers, although again I would not anticipate anything in the way of accumulations. Fog chances will continue through Friday night.

Saturday

We should see more humid, partly cloudy, and warm weather with highs testing the 80 degree mark again. In terms of timing I still think the cold front will push through some time during the afternoon or early evening hours, with dewpoints quickly falling after its passage. Some light showers will be possible with the front, but again accumulations look very slight. By sunrise on Sunday morning we can expect lows probably in the upper 40s for all but coastal areas, which will be a shade warmer.

Sunday

The second half of the weekend will be sunny, with highs in the low- to mid-60s for Houston. The day will be breezy, with winds from the north at 10 to 15 mph and higher gusts bringing in a much drier air mass. By Sunday night we’ll see lows dropping probably into the lower 40s in Houston, with the possibility of some upper 30s for inland areas.

Our winter-like interlude will last a few days before spring-like conditions return. (Weather Bell)

Next week

Monday night will be cold again, before we see temperatures begin to moderate some next week. By Wednesday or Thursday we should return to temperatures in the vicinity of 80 degrees. Skies look to be mostly sunny next week, with not much in the way of precipitation chances.

18 Feb 17:34

Stephen Colbert isn't backing down from dispute with CBS over what he can air

by David Bauder, Associated Press
On "The Late Show" Tuesday, Colbert said he was surprised by a statement from CBS denying that its lawyers told him he couldn't show an interview with Democratic Texas Senate candidate James Talarico. He then took a copy of the network statement, wrapped it in a dog poop bag, and tossed it away.
18 Feb 17:27

Oh, Merv! Merv!

Oh, Merv! Merv!

18 Feb 17:27

The weather started getting rough…

The weather started getting rough…

18 Feb 17:26

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’

by The Onion Staff

WASHINGTON—In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left in a hot car could “help babies sweat out toxins.” “Roll up the windows, park in a sunny spot, and let the sun do its magic—in a couple hours, your baby will have all the toxins flushed from its system,” said Kennedy, who leveled criticism at mainstream medical professionals for inflating the dangers of leaving a baby in a hot car and totally ignoring the multitude of health benefits. “Doctors love to tell you statistics about how it’s dangerous to leave a baby locked in a 110-degree car, but they’re distorting the facts to serve their own narrative. What they don’t tell you is how detoxified and refreshed those little ones feel afterwards. Even just one hour in a hot car can have a huge impact on most babies.” Kennedy went on to state that organ failure and seizures while in the car were signs of poisonous substances leaving the infant’s body.

The post RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’ appeared first on The Onion.

18 Feb 17:26

Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone

by The Onion Staff

SIOUX CITY, IA—Making the dire prediction shortly after being terminated for substandard work, marketing analyst Ryan Bronson, who was laid off solely for performance-related reasons Wednesday, warned that artificial intelligence was coming for everyone. “Yup, the way things are going, not a single one of us is safe from the threat of AI replacing us,” said Bronson, whose frequent unexcused absences and routine missing of important deadlines had been an ongoing liability for the management team of Edgewater Interactive for the past several months. “Mark my words: With the rise of automation, it’s only a matter of time before you’re all gone. Sure, things like downloading malware onto my work computer or putting incorrect information into investor slide decks gave the powers-that-be an excuse to use me as a sacrificial lamb, but really it could have been any one of us.” Bronson added that the soulless bean counters at the company wouldn’t think twice about saving a few bucks on unfeeling algorithms that didn’t require sexual harassment retraining on five separate occasions.

The post Coworker Laid Off Solely For Performance-Related Reasons Warns AI Coming For Everyone appeared first on The Onion.

18 Feb 17:25

God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually

by The Onion Staff

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His confusion as to how their true calling continued to elude them, God Almighty, our Lord and Heavenly Father, was reportedly wondering Wednesday when humans would realize that the major purpose of life was to continually masturbate. “It feels good and the parts to do it are attached to your body—how much simpler could I have made it?” said the Lord, admitting He was frustrated that humanity had spent centuries engaged in pursuits such as war, art, commerce, and the construction of civilizations instead of using their hands to sexually gratify themselves at all times. “It’s so simple to do, and the sensation is amazing. It’s basically as close to heaven as you can get on earth, and yet still they barely jerk it at all. And while there have been moments when it seems like a few of My children have understood their divine mission to vigorously pleasure themselves around the clock, most of them still cease after seven or eight sessions. It is troubling indeed.” At press time, celestial sources confirmed an angry God was tearing pages out of the Bible after an angel reminded Him about the sin of Onan.

The post God Wondering When Humans Will Realize Purpose Of Life Masturbating Continually appeared first on The Onion.

18 Feb 17:25

Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To Visitor

by The Onion Staff

MEMPHIS, TN—Immediately conducting a risk assessment after he heard the doorbell ring, local dog Toby was reportedly forced Wednesday to make a split-second decision about whether to kill or show his tummy to an unknown visitor. “I really love getting scritchy-scratchies on my tumtum, but if this guy is dangerous, then the safer bet is to slaughter him,” said the 3-year-old pit bull mix, barking ferociously but also wagging his tail as he raced off the couch toward the stranger standing in the doorway. “He’s smiling at me! I should roll over and present my belly. But maybe that’s what he wants me to do. This could be a ruse to win my affection before killing me, attacking my family, and stealing all my food. I should maul him.” At press time, reports confirmed the dog opted to enact a maneuver he learned from the family’s cat that involved accepting the belly rub and then spinning around to bite the man’s hand.

The post Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To Visitor appeared first on The Onion.

18 Feb 17:25

All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots

by The Onion Staff

LOS ANGELES—Confirming the rest of the industry had been brought to a virtual standstill, sources reported Wednesday that all upcoming films had been canceled after every living actor was called back to the Avengers: Doomsday set for reshoots. “They’ve called every member of SAG-AFTRA back to set—it’s a complete disaster,” said an anonymous studio executive, who noted that every project from The Batman Part II to Shrek 5 had been indefinitely suspended due to the scope of the newest Marvel Cinematic Universe film, which required the cooperation of all 160,000 Hollywood actors. “Unfortunately, they realized the current cut is pretty much all plot holes, so it’s all hands on deck right now. Plus, Marvel wants to get these focus group scores just right. Martin Scorsese is pretty unhappy, but he’s just going to have to be patient like everyone else.” At press time, optimistic sources estimated non-Avengers films would be back by 2035.

The post All Upcoming Films Canceled After Every Living Actor Called To ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Set For Reshoots appeared first on The Onion.

18 Feb 17:25

Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader

by The Onion Staff

South Korea’s spy agency believes North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has chosen his daughter Kim Ju Ae as his heir, with the 13-year-old having recently attended several high profile events alongside her father. What do you think?

“Four interviews and this is how I find out they went with someone internal?”

Ian Vaske, Motorcycle Polisher

“That’ll look amazing on her college application.”

Neil Trotter, Assistant Associate

“Seriously? After everything the Chairman of the Standing Committee of the Supreme People’s Assembly, Choe Ryong-hae, has done for him?”

Courtney Lau, Sign Letterer

The post Kim Jong-Un Selects Teen Daughter As North Korea’s Next Leader appeared first on The Onion.

18 Feb 17:24

Trump sends well-wishes to Today host’s kidnapped mother after confirming she not in ICE detention

by Jen MacIntyre

WASHINGTON D.C. – US President Donald Trump offered warm wishes to the family of Nancy Guthrie, the mother of Today Show host Savannah Guthrie, after confirming that her kidnapping earlier this month was not perpetrated by the Department of Homeland Security. “We wish Nancy will be home soon,” Trump said in a brief statement, after […]

The post Trump sends well-wishes to Today host’s kidnapped mother after confirming she not in ICE detention appeared first on The Beaverton.

18 Feb 17:24

Metrolinx hires elderly woman after watching her take 30 minutes to cross the street

by Geoff Cork

Toronto, ON – Metrolinx has responded to criticism of its project speed by adding Nancy Callahan to their team after her inspiring 30 minute walk across an intersection. “Just look at her go,” exclaimed Michael Lindsay, CEO of Metrolinx. “That’s the kind of chutzpah we’ve been looking for over here. With Ms. Callahan at the […]

The post Metrolinx hires elderly woman after watching her take 30 minutes to cross the street appeared first on The Beaverton.

18 Feb 17:23

Italian multiplier

by Scandinavia and the World
Italian multiplier

Italian multiplier

View Comic!




18 Feb 17:22

Board Game Developer’s Notes During the First Playtest of Jumanji

by Joe Wellman
  • Glad I went with ominous drumbeats as the beckoning call, all four players looking upon the game with wonder and dread. Woodwinds/sitars would have been a mistake.
  • Game instructions clear enough to be understood by players, vaguely threatening enough to unnerve them. Struck a great balance there.
  • Two youngest players mystified by the enchanted game tokens. An excellent sign, as I’ll be pitching Jumanji as a game for wayward youths looking to escape the tedium of their daily lives / learn a few things the hard way.
  • Turn up sadism levels in monkeys. Antics are WAY too on the playful side. Don’t be afraid to go overboard here either. I’d rather have them throwing knives and stealing police cars than—Jesus—tickling each other.
  • Giant flesh-eating plants went smoothly. Creeped into the room through the ceiling and power outlets, went straight for the weakest player, players fought back with fireplace tools / wept uncontrollably. THIS is the kind of fantastical violence and emotional distress I envisioned.
  • Don’t love the lion’s spawn point or behavior. Sure, he showed up, gave a roar, started mauling Player 3. But it lacked… suspense. He should appear in a dark corner, slowly emerge from the shadows. Crawl along the keys of an old piano.
  • Look into pacing. Player 4 has been sucked into the game just a few turns in, remaining players fainting / crying / accusing me of kidnapping. Save all jungle damnations for later in game to avoid these counterproductive reactions—or add a mechanic where players must roll a certain number to rescue doomed friend. May help increase immersion / facilitate teamwork.
  • Psychotic hunter a bit cartoonish for my tastes, keeps calling everyone “Sonny Jim.” Don’t remember making him British either. It’s kind of working, though, sort of a Rudyard Kipling meets Teddy Roosevelt thing. Plus, players are too busy cowering behind makeshift barricades / hurling vases at him to nitpick aesthetics.
  • Stampede added some nice variety. We’ve been getting a lot of close-quarter showdowns between man and beast during this playthrough, so it was fun to see players just scream and run for their lives here.
  • ADD ANTI-CHEATING MECHANIC. Player 3 attempted to rig the dice roll and end game early. Give cheaters hives? Turn them into an ugly wolf-person with stupid-looking tail? Fungal rashes? Dysentery? Needs to be both humiliating and jungle-themed.
  • Monsoon was incredible. Water nearly reached the ceiling, players had to climb atop a chandelier and fend off alligators with a dining chair. This is the beauty of playtesting: You spend so much time dreaming up these zoological horrors, but never know what kind of furniture players will try to beat them to death with.
  • Remove malaria event. Had a fast-paced adventure story going, and now Player 2 is succumbing to fever while the others mournfully bring her water. Totally sucked the air out of the room. Not the right tone at all.
  • Satisfying finish. Player 1 reached Jumanji just before my home collapsed in an earthquake and killed us all. All effects reversed, Players 1+2 got swept up in the moment and kissed, Player 4 returned from the jungle alive but feral.
  • Great first playthrough! Just need to make a few tweaks, and Jumanji players of all ages should experience levels of mental and physical trauma that will leave them atoning for past wrongs/reflecting on the true meaning of strength.
  • NEXT STEPS: Put on finishing touches. Bury game in the woods behind that elementary school. Start work on my next project: Thinking same concept, but outer space.
18 Feb 16:39

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Opportunity

by Zach Weinersmith


Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Later he stops paying attention to you and you only learn through the news that the algorithm changed.


Today's News:
18 Feb 16:38

children of llm

18 Feb 16:38

Dig your heels in

by John Allison

For all Dean’s bad personality problems, he has a genuine fondness for Glenn. He will not let him founder.

The post Dig your heels in appeared first on Bad Machinery.

18 Feb 16:37

ALT

A comic of two foxes, one of whom is blue, the other is green. In this one, Blue sees Green approach enthusiastically.
Green: It's my birthday!
Blue: Congratulations!

Blue turns to look over his shoulder as Green walks past him.
Green: I booked a time to get my ears rinsed!
Blue: ...Have fun?

One hour later, Blue is sitting peacefully at home, reading a book. The book flies off as Green's triumphant yelling startles him, pages fluttering everywhere.
Green: I can hear all the way to the bronze age!ALT
18 Feb 13:39

99% of adults over 40 have shoulder "abnormalities" on an MRI, study finds

by Beth Mole

Up to a third of people worldwide have shoulder pain; it's one of the most common musculoskeletal complaints. But medical imaging might not reveal the problem—in fact, it could even cloud it.

In a study published in JAMA Internal Medicine this week, 99 percent of adults over 40 were found to have at least one abnormality in a rotator cuff on magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). The rotator cuff is the group of muscles and tendons in a shoulder joint that keeps the upper arm bone securely in the shoulder socket—and is often blamed for pain and other symptoms. The trouble is, the vast majority of people in the study had no shoulder problems.

The finding calls into question the growing use of MRIs to try to diagnose shoulder pain—and, in turn, the growing problem of overtreatment of rotator cuff (RC) abnormalities, which includes partial- and full-thickness tears as well as signs of tendinopathy (tendon swelling and thickening).

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17 Feb 14:01

Watch: Jesse Jackson's life in civil rights, diplomacy, and politics

The civil rights leader, who ran for president twice in the 1980s, leaves a lasting legacy.