As the UK’s #1 bowlderiser of lyrics, this comic represents a career high point. Everything I learned making NEMS led up to this super slow and gloomy, legally bulletproof version of “Sea Cruise”. If you are not familiar with it, allow me to “sealink” it below. There’s a lot of gum chewing in the audience during the brief preamble, OO-WEE BABY.
As Americans begin waking up during the Australian Broadcasting Corporation’s strike, a weird Mickey Mouse shaped dot has appeared on the ABC Managing Director Hugh Marks’ head.
Reportedly after people pointed out the red glowing dot, Marks received an ominous high pitched phone call.
“Oh Boy, you better get them back to work.”
“Just imagine the mess that would be made if we stop getting our multi-billion dollar money printer. Hot dog the blood would just be everywhere.”
“Better sort this out before the union isn’t the only strike you need to worry about. Welcome to the clubhouse.”
Panic across Australian media today as ABC employees have gone on their first strike in 20 years, leaving the network without any content to use, which in turn leaves Sky News without any either as there is nothing to complain about.
“The woke ABC are trying to silence us,” said Andrew Bolt, “they are forcing us to sit here without anything to pretend to be mad about. When will the madness end?”
“Make no mistake, this is the terrifying power of a union.”
The flow on affects don’t stop there as now the Murdoch papers don’t have the talking points to plaster all over their front pages, setting the agenda for breakfast tv tomorrow morning.
In response the News Corp tabloids have fully endorsed the push from ABC employees.
“If they aren’t paid reasonably, don’t have job security, or are replaced with AI, that would really concerning for democracy. What else is there for us to obsess over?”
BURBANK, CA—In an effort to determine whether they needed to cease production immediately or if the film’s title simply sounded familiar, Marvel Studios reportedly called an emergency meeting Friday after concerns were raised that they had already made one called Avengers: Doomsday. “All right, gentlemen, quickly—name as many Avengers films as you can,” said company president Kevin Feige, who sat at the head of the table in a packed boardroom as executives shouted out “Infinity Ultron!” and “Deadbolts!” “We’ve already sunk millions and millions of dollars into this thing, so if it turns out we already did an Avengers: Doomsday, well, there’s going to be hell to pay. Okay, everybody look through your emails right now and control-F for ‘doomsday.’” At press time, Feige was overheard saying, “Fuck it, it’s not like anyone gives a shit anyway.”
Zara Larsson, the pop star known for “Lush Life” and “Stateside,” is currently on her 2026 Midnight Sun Tour. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the artist.
Birth Name: Zara Larsson feat. David Guetta
Birthplace: Town Where Everybody Happy All The Time, Sweden
Parents: Lisa Frank (mother), all four members of ABBA (father)
Hair Color: 10,000 lumens
Claim To Fame: Friend’s getting ready playlist
Languages Spoken: Swedish, English, dolphin whistles and clicks
Controversies: Pro-women, anti-genocide leanings
Influences: Beyoncé, Lady Gaga, Nordic Barbie with Fjord-Climbing Action®
Deepest Darkest Secret That Would Destroy Her If It Ever Got Out: Favorite color is gray
“It” Factor That Separates Her From American Pop Stars: Universal healthcare
DENVER—Growing increasingly frantic as the mobs of exuberant preteens flooded from their bunks into the state of Colorado beyond, local Christian camp director Alan Mullins reportedly panicked Friday after noticing his conversion therapy device had been set to reverse. “Dear Lord, they’re just getting more and more theatrical—why isn’t this lever budging?” said a visibly alarmed Mullins, grabbing a crowbar and attempting to pry the handle back towards its conversion position as a swarm of colorfully clad children belting out MUNA’s “One That Got Away” rushed towards his position. “Who knows how many of them are out there now enjoying drag brunches and throwing pride parades in Aurora or Fort Collins. What’s that they’re doing now? Handing out pamphlets for their own production of something called Kinky Boots? Oh God, it’s already too late!” After accidentally breaking off the device’s handle in one last desperate attempt, Mullins reportedly collapsed in despair just as thousands of young people enclosed him in a shower of rainbow glitter.
Food conglomerate Nestlé said that about 12 tons of KitKats, or 413,793 candy bars, were stolen after leaving its production site in Italy, with the company stating that “the vehicle and its load are still nowhere to be found.” What do you think?
“They should check the store, they have a bunch there.”
Paola Sandoval, Botanical Journalist
“Is there a tip line where I can report KitKat sightings?”
KENT, WA—In an effort to attract new customers by generating more enthusiasm for space tourism among the general populace, civilian spaceflight operator Blue Origin confirmed Friday it had launched the world’s largest ball of twine into orbit around the Earth. “Many people who find the idea of space travel exciting are disappointed once they realize it’s a cold, endless vacuum, so we thought they’d appreciate the opportunity to take some fun family photos while they’re up there,” said CEO Dave Limp, adding that Blue Origin was banking on the success of “star-side attractions” like the 10-foot-tall ball of twine his company recently purchased from residents of a small town along U.S. Route 24 in Kansas. “Assuming this twine ball proves popular, we’ll expand the project so tourists looking out the window of their suborbital space capsule can see a Paul Bunyan statue, an upside-down replica of the White House, a beer-can museum, the boyhood home of Mark Twain—you name it!” Sources confirmed Blue Origin also plans to add a new revenue source by forcing all passengers to pass through a gift shop on their way back to Earth.
WASHINGTON—Saying he had finally found a military commander whose character was worthy of the U.S. Army, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Friday that he was replacing ousted top general Randy George with a horse that drinks beer. “With Dusty’s wartime promotion to Army chief of staff, we’re putting the world on notice that the days of buzzkill leadership are over,” said Hegseth, adding that the muscular 9-year-old stallion could lap up a gallon of beer in minutes and immediately nuzzle his bucket for a refill. “He has no use for woke military strategy. All he needs is a case of Bud—none of that imported shit—brought to his stable on the hour, every hour. If Dusty’s not drinking beer, he’s lowering his head so his groom can smash a can against it. Finally, we go to war with a general who fucking rules.” At press time, the horse had reportedly stomped his hoof twice to order a ferocious bombing campaign and then toppled over into a pile of straw.
ATLANTA—Forced to call off the approximately $4 billion journey around the moon due to unforeseen delays experienced by its four-member crew, NASA confirmed Thursday that the Artemis II mission failed Thursday after astronauts missed their connecting flight in Atlanta. “We thought we had enough time to stop for a Cinnabon, but before we knew it, we were sprinting across the terminal in our space suits and the rocket had already fired up its thrusters to leave orbit,” said Cmdr. Reid Wiseman, noting that Mission Control had provided the astronauts with discount hotel vouchers that could be redeemed at a nearby Holiday Inn Express. “We tried switching our tickets over to another flight, but the next rocket to the moon isn’t scheduled to leave until May 2028. The whole situation is really frustrating. Still, we’re hoping to make the best of the mission by collecting some sediment samples around the Atlanta airport before we return to Florida.” The Artemis II crew reportedly grew further exasperated after realizing all their luggage had been successfully transferred and was now on its way to the moon.
President Donald Trump signed an executive order aiming to create federal lists of citizens which the U.S. Postal Service would use to ensure mail ballots are sent to only those people, with the effort to exert control over American elections sure to be quickly challenged in court. What do you think?
“If everyone got to vote, it wouldn’t feel as special.”
Lester Sorenson, Crouton Rationer
“Whatever saves me the hassle of voting can’t be all bad.”
A work by Luisa Dörr included in “Rebel Girl” at the Houston Center for Photography
1. Rebel Girl Houston Center for Photography March 12 – May 24, 2026
From the Houston Center for Photography:
“Rebel Girl celebrates contemporary photographers engaging with the many dimensions of female identity, featuring Luisa Dörr, Selina Román, and Jo Ann Chaus. Their work highlights the diversity of experience, questioning stereotypes and illuminating the evolving roles and perceptions of women today. Dörr’s series Imilla documents female skater culture in Bolivia, where women wearing traditional pollera skirts bridge cultural heritage and modern subculture. Román’s abstracted self-portraiture uses brightly colored spandex to transform the natural curves of her body into geometric color fields, playing with form and calling us to question excess in the aptly titled series XS. In Conversations with Myself, Chaus reflects on the mid-century ideals of femininity that shaped her upbringing, staging their tensions against the lived reality of navigating an aging body in an era of body positivity.
Together, these artists challenge convention while celebrating alternative narratives of femininity. Our standard image of a skater rarely includes traditional Bolivian attire, expectations of the female form continue to be bound by narrow standards of size, and cultural views of aging and beauty often marginalize women as they grow older. Each artist foregrounds these exceptions, normalizes their existence, and invites us to reconsider womanhood across its unfolding stages, from youthful rebellion to mature reflection.”
A work by Justin Boyd included in “Hydrosynthesis” at cactusBARN
From cactusBARN:
"CactusBARN presents Justin Boyd’s sound and video piece Hydrosynthesis. Boyd’s statement about the work: 'I have been making field recordings of the San Antonio River for many years now. This show is a collection of video pieces that I have made where the audio generates the video. I don’t think of these as illustrations of the river but as a way to see and hear something familiar to us, anew.'"
A work by Emma Hadzi Antich included in “haha” at Northern-Southern
3. Emma Hadzi Antich: haha Northern-Southern (Austin) April 2 – May 3, 2026 Opening Reception: Thursday, April 2, 5:30-8 p.m.
From Northern-Southern:
“haha is a suite of new paintings by Emma Hadzi Antich, her first standalone solo show at Northern-Southern. Archetypes and symbols are painted as sensual things by Hadzi Antich. Grass breathes like the fine hairs of the world as a body. Rocks have the presence of ensouled creatures. Boundary frames are absurdly isometric and smoothed, the borders of disembodied minds and amputated desires. Lurking quiet in Hadzi Antich’s meaning-scapes are rare fauna: a hidden cat with glowing eyes, angling wolves, and solitary children.”
A work by Matthew Bourbon included in “Absent Author” at Castro Gallery
“Castro Gallery is pleased to present Absent Author, a solo exhibition featuring recent paintings by artist Matthew Bourbon. Originally from the San Francisco Bay Area, Matthew Bourbon is a painter, art critic, and professor of studio art at the University of North Texas’ College of Visual Arts and Design. Bourbon has exhibited his work nationally and internationally, with recent exhibitions including Wider West at Oil Tank Culture Park in Seoul, South Korea; C’est de la Peinture! at Bankley Studios and Gallery in Manchester, England; Time, Space, and Process at Bethel University in St. Paul, Minnesota; and Waiting for Now at the Old Jail Art Center in Albany, Texas. Working primarily in painting, Bourbon’s practice engages questions of perception, authorship, and the shifting relationship between image and meaning. His work often navigates the tension between abstraction and representation, inviting viewers to consider how visual information is constructed, interpreted, and destabilized.”
Soft Surprise (Joanna Lin), “iTowel,” 2026, edition of 500
“Zeke’s Projects is pleased to announce Stupidity is Timeless, an exhibition of objet d’(f)arts by Dallas-based artist Soft Surprise. Soft Surprise is operated by Joanna Lin, a multidisciplinary maker from Colorado. In her late teens, she picked up visual arts after flunking calculus and being fired by her violin teacher. She received a BFA in Film/Animation/Video from the Rhode Island School of Design in 2015. Since then she has collected a variety of professional experience as a tampon designer, artist assistant, and motion graphics animator. From 2020 to 2024, she was a designer at the art collective MSCHF Product Studios and from 2024-2025 she worked as a designer for Poo~Pourri. Currently she works at a weather company. Her art practice is symbiotic with her “industry experience” and her commercially maintained skillset. In 2019 Soft Surprise LLC was established as a pseudo business and art practice to contain Joanna’s thoughts and explorations in object making.
The objet d’(f)arts by Soft Surprise transform deliberately low concepts into highly refined objects that explore the tension between sincerity and absurdity, aspiration and novelty. Using the aesthetics and structure of consumer goods, Soft Surprise creates meticulously crafted artifacts that sit somewhere between merchandise and art. Soft Surprise last showed in DFW in 2025 and frequently ‘vends’ ‘products’ at local markets. This exhibition at Zeke’s will feature new work from 2026.”
President Donald Trump says Pam Bondi is out as his attorney general, ending the contentious tenure of a loyalist who upended the Justice Department's culture of independence from the White House, oversaw large-scale firings of career employees and moved aggressively to investigate the Republican president's perceived enemies.
A happy update. Today we had our spring quarterly all-staff meeting, where HR announced the return of the flex-time exercise program. Two changes were made to the program:
1. Structure around verification requests, include who may request verification and why. (Only your direct manager may initiate the request, which must be routed through human resources.)
2. A “exercise program log” is now the only document that we must produce for a verification request. This is a spreadsheet provided by HR that we can complete electronically or by hand, and simply includes the date and a brief description of the activity.
Our executive director remains, but his one-year contract is up early this summer. Last year, I found it notable the management board’s renewed his contract for one year when the standard for his position (the only contract position in the organization) is two years. He spoke at length today about how important family is, so we are all hopeful he will opt to “spend more time with his family” instead of pushing for another contract renewal.
Thank you all so much for responding regarding the church meeting space. I wanted to provide more context and an update.
I should have written that this meeting was going to be the second one in that particular space, and I did attend the first. It is located more in the community hall than the sanctuary as commenters specified. There was some religious signage, mostly unobtrusive. After that first meeting, I learned that one of our leaders is a member there. I chalked the location up to being the best they could do on short notice, and moved on.
For me, the issue is that after 3-4 months they didn’t bother to ask about the venue or look for other options in that time. This was going to continue indefinitely unless someone said something. So I wrote here, and then I wrote to HR asking for some guidance.
It was my first experience with my HR and it was a positive one. I was mostly expecting that, best case, future meetings would be changed and wrote off this one, but they intervened and with even shorter notice (literally 2 days) we met on a local university campus. It felt like a normal meeting. And I’ll give credit to my leadership team and HR for making that happen.
Your post went up after I gave notice but I did game plan it out with my therapist, who had much the same advice — don’t over-explain. I was hoping I could somehow give notice without anyone being upset, but their feelings are not mine to manage.
I did end up being a bit more forthcoming about the fact that my new position was a step back in responsibility, and that is what is best for me and my family. That felt right to me as a way to model that different choices outside of the constant grind up the ladder are valid. I also acknowledge that I am in a privileged position to be able to take that step back without taking a pay cut, which often isn’t the case — but for anyone feeling trapped by their salary, don’t let that stop you from looking, because you never know. Thanks for publishing and for those who responded in the comments!
AUSTIN, TX—Reporting that he plans to shower at the gym due to the bathtub being left “absolutely disgusting,” local man Michael DiCanio expressed annoyance Thursday that his wife had inconsiderately left the apartment’s only bathroom a total mess after giving birth to their first child. “Jesus Christ, there’s afterbirth everywhere! I never had this problem when I lived with a guy,” said DiCanio, frustrated that he would now be late for work just because his wife didn’t have the common courtesy not to leave the drain clogged with her placenta. “She left this bloody plastic tarp thing all crumpled up on the vanity taking up all the counter space, so I actually had to brush my teeth in the kitchen sink this morning. Plus, it stinks, too. Like, open a fucking window or light a match. I barely complained that she was in there for hours last night, yapping loudly with some friend, but to leave the whole place unusable is just rude. I live here too! And she gets after me for leaving the toilet seat up? Please.” At press time, DiCanio let out an exasperated sigh after his wife sprang on him at the last minute that her parents were going to be coming over tonight to celebrate something.
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that there were some significant upsides to the deal despite the concerns it had raised, analysts at the National Research Group reported Thursday that the upcoming Paramount-Warner Bros. merger offered consumers the best shot at seeing a Sex And The City reboot starring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. “Fans have long clamored to find out whether Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, or Michelangelo is the Carrie of the group, and when this deal goes through, we’ll have a real chance of finding out,” said industry analyst Aaron Lewiston, noting that a TV series in which four anthropomorphic crime-fighting turtles sip cosmopolitans and talk about the struggle of dating in the Manhattan sewer system would have been impossible if Netflix had succeeded in buying Warner Bros. Discovery. “The artistic community is clearly apprehensive that a merger between two major studios could stifle creativity, but clearly it also provides the possibility of telling new stories—specifically ones in which Michelangelo dates a mutant rat who’s into ass play as Donatello and Raphael shop for the perfect bandanas to wear on their double date, and Leonardo contemplates whether it’s really possible to be friends with an ex.” Lewiston went on to point out that no other potential buyer presented an opportunity to learn what would happen if Dora the Explorer checked in to the White Lotus.
TOLEDO, OH—Visibly distraught as he learned of the widespread betrayal, local mail carrier Ned Mungo expressed dismay Thursday upon realizing that the residents on his route have been receiving electronic mail for years without his knowing. “Day in and day out, I’ve been coming to these doorsteps to deliver their beloved letters and catalogues, only to discover that they’ve been getting such messages in their digital mailboxes this entire time,” said a visibly distraught Mungo, struggling to maintain his composure as he processed the rank betrayal the residents had enacted behind his back without once even hinting at their choice. “Am I not enough? Do these paper documents—lovingly handled, kept safe in the folds of my carrier bag—mean nothing to you? Look, here’s a copy of Time magazine. Is Time magazine on your computer? I don’t think so. I have no idea what made these people sign up for ‘electronic mail,’ but believe me when I say it will never make you smile the way these handwritten letters could.” At press time, Mungo had grown increasingly bitter after learning that many of them were receiving their pornography in digital form, as well.
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