OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that “Buy Canadian” policies now means Canadians can now support the country’s economy by purchasing local public assets like ports, airports, and crown lands. “When we tell people to ‘Buy Canadian,’ we mean all of it,” Carney told reporters while nailing down a ‘FOR SALE’ sign on […]

The post Carney clarifies “Buy Canadian” also means public assets appeared first on The Beaverton.

After months sequestered in the Pagoda of Masculinity, which is beneath my parents’ house but is fair to consider my basement, I have emerged a new man. Through my relentless commitment to living the ascetic lifestyle of a monk who is allowed to play video games, I, the Angulord, have at long last fully maxximized my looks.

There is no length I have not gone to for the sake of cultivating my flawless aesthetic. I have smashed my jaw with a hammer to increase its definition. I have injected testosterone to enhance the capacity of my muscles. My abs are as firm as freshly quarried gravel thanks to peptides (which I take subcutaneously) and riptides (which I allow to carry me out to sea during thunderstorms, forcing me to swim ashore or die). So far, I’ve only been declared legally dead twice, and just for five or six minutes each time. My doctor says that the oxygen deficit has left me with the cognitive capacity of a police horse on the verge of retirement. I told him to suck my sharp dick.

Oh, I should have mentioned: I have cryogenically frozen my penis and filed it down to a fleshy icicle to replace any feminine roundness on my body with a masculine point. Also, my doctor is a woman, but I use he and him pronouns as a sign of respect.

The penis-freezing is just the tip of the iceberg, both figuratively and literally. For the past nine years, I have devoted my waking hours to the task of becoming more handsome, and due to my nightly infusions of owl blood, many of my sleeping hours as well. My unyielding pursuit of perfection has allowed me to achieve the striking visage of a tertiary character on the Vanderpump Rules reboot. At long last, I am a stone-cold seven, the kind of guy who could win a Jacob Elordi lookalike contest in a farm town with a population of two hundred.

How have I accomplished this? For starters, I spend sixteen hours a day live-streaming my gym routine while simultaneously giving betting advice on overseas cockfights and state-sanctioned executions. My stamina is made possible by a battery of prescription and designer drugs that would make the doctor who killed Michael Jackson black out from jealousy. A billionaire, who describes himself as “apolitical” despite earning his fortune by creating an AI application that automatically deletes Black people’s résumés from hiring databases, finances my lifestyle. And yes, I have been banned from YouTube for calling for Janet Yellen to be imprisoned for earning a degree in economics while female. But I have a new platform on the free speech purist app CHODE (Connecting Heterodox Orators… Dudes, Exclusively.)

Has this immense effort made me appealing to women? Absolutely not. But that’s fine with me. I already have one mommy, and she’s a bitch. I do occasionally have sex, an act that I consider yucky. It also takes valuable time away from my regimen of doing crunches while improving my mind by listening to recordings of Theo Von guessing how science works. It’s honestly better than school. I dropped out of eleventh grade after my civics teacher wokely suggested that the holocaust happened.

So, yes, I bone. I smush. I push my man-stalactite into the world’s driest caves. Of course, I don’t care whether women enjoy intercourse. In fact, bringing a woman to sexual climax is gay to me, actually. Why are you, as a man, engaging in lesbian behavior? And I should note: Sex is not pleasurable for me either. On account of my extensive battery of implants and injectables, my sperm are so full of microplastics that each one is the size of a marble. Every time I reach orgasm, it’s like an agonizing game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Still, my unstoppable #grindset has earned me the adulation of thousands of men who are only allowed to see their children with third-party supervision present, as well as those guys’ teenage sons who hate them. I have also been the subject of fawning profiles in all seven remaining print publications, each of which has ignored that my whole deal is basically medieval eugenics wrapped in an eating disorder and peppered with substance abuse and misogyny.

Speaking of which, my primary care physician, Dr. Yesenia Cordova, who I’d better not find out is Latina, says I have mere hours to live. Apparently, eating a fistful of iguana tranquilizers for breakfast every morning has turned me cold-blooded, and I am no longer appropriately adapted for life on the Earth’s surface.

I have alienated everyone from my past because with all the focus on my looks, I never spent any time personalitymaxxing. So while I am on my deathbed, I am joined only by several of my worst-smelling Patreon subscribers, who have been taking selfies with me for clout since they arrived. Death cannot come soon enough, mostly because I’m excited to finally meet Charlie Kirk and achieve alpha status in the afterlife by telling him how sad his wife isn’t.

I bid you all a stoic farewell from the Angulord. But thanks to all the microplastics, at least I am leaving a maxximally beautiful corpse.

A 59,000-year-old neanderthal tooth unearthed from a cave in modern-day Russia revealed the earliest known evidence of dentistry, with it appearing as though someone drilled out a cavity. What do you think?

“I didn’t know hunting and gathering gigs included dental.”

Abel Stein, Peanut Sheller

---

“So that’s who dentists evolved from.”

Mitchell Laraway, Beard Stylist

---

“We should have guessed they had cavities from their gummy bear paintings.”

Imani Carpenter, Sidewalk Salter

The post Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry appeared first on The Onion.

Windows XP SP 2 introduced Data Execution Prevention (DEP), which takes advantage of a then-new feature of x86-class processors that allowed you to deny execution from data pages. The new feature was Physical Address Extensions (PAE) which also allowed those 32-bit processors to access physical RAM above the 4 GB boundary. Although you could turn on Data Execution Prevention on all systems, only server products would use the memory above 4 GB.

A reader asked, “What was the real reason client editions were prevented from using more than 4 GB of RAM?”

The use of the word “real” in the question implies that the reader believed that the official reason was a lie, and there was some nefarious evil reason for the limitation. It’s unclear what this nefarious reason would be. Maybe the reader thought the “real” reason was “To force users to buy copies of Windows Server, which is far more lucrative”, though that doesn’t make sense. The cheapest version of Windows Server 2003 32-bit edition that supported more than 4 GB of RAM was Enterprise Edition, which sold for $3,999.¹ This is an outrageous price for a consumer operating system.

The reason why consumer products don’t use RAM above 4 GB is explained in the documentation that accompanied the introduction of the feature under “Driver issues”.

Typically, device drivers must be modified in a number of small ways. Although the actual code changes may be small, they can be difficult. This is because when not using PAE memory addressing, it is possible for a device driver to assume that physical addresses and 32-bit virtual address limits are identical. PAE memory makes this assumption untrue.

…

[M]any device drivers designed for these systems may not have been tested on system configurations with PAE enabled. In order to limit the impact to device driver compatibility, changes to the hardware abstraction layer (HAL) were made to Windows XP SP2 and Windows Server 2003 SP1 Standard Edition to limit physical address space to 4 GB.

As explained above, memory above 4 GB was not enabled for compatibility reasons. Many drivers inadvertently assume that all physical address fit in 32 bits. (DMA drivers for example.) Those drivers would corrupt memory if memory above 4 GB were made available.

Memory above 4 GB is enabled on server because if you are a server administrator, you don’t install random drivers for that hand-held scanner you bought at Best Buy from the bargain bin for $10. Server administrators typically run only the plain vanilla drivers that come with Windows. (They don’t even install manufacturer video drivers.) All the drivers that come with Windows have been tested for addresses above 4 GB. That 2001 driver for the $10 handheld scanner has not, and there’s a good chance that it will truncate addresses above 4 GB and corrupt memory as a result.

The consumer market and the server market are very different in terms of usage pattern. Consumers will install practically anything. Server administrators install as little as possible. Consumers have no technical expertise. Server administrators have access to highly-skilled staff.

Of course, this is all now a historical oddity. Systems with only 4 GB of RAM are vanishingly rare, and Windows began discouraging the production of systems using 32-bit processors in 2020, finally ending the production of 32-bit editions entirely with Windows 11.

¹ The only other version that supported more than 4 GB of RAM was Datacenter Edition, and on the pricing sheet I found, they didn’t even bother listing the price. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

The post Why do Windows client editions on 32-bit x86 systems artificially limit RAM to 4 GB? appeared first on The Old New Thing.

The Rio Grande Valley occupies the southernmost region of Texas. Similarly, its public institutions have developed resources that address needs across a distributed population. In McAllen, both the public library system and South Texas College have invested in facilities and equipment that merit attention from artists and makers throughout the area. Like the library systems documented in the Texas Panhandle and Central Texas regions, McAllen’s institutions prioritize equitable access to tools and technologies that would otherwise require significant individual investment. The Valley presents a distinct geographic challenge: artists working in McAllen, Harlingen, Brownsville, and the communities between them operate across a dispersed region where institutional resources function as regional anchors. These facilities serve not only their immediate cities but support the broader creative infrastructure of the Valley.

McAllen Public Library, Central Branch

600 West Main Street, McAllen, Texas, 78501

The McAllen Public Library’s Central branch was converted from a former Walmart structure into a library facility exceeding 120,000 square feet. While not the largest library in the United States, the scale places it among the nation’s most substantial public library facilities, comparable in footprint to other major Texas library projects like the Frisco Public Library. The scale of the building presents enormous opportunity; the library has made use of the space to provide generously proportioned sections in a diversity of disciplines.

The children’s section is notably expansive, featuring collections of junior graphic novels alongside traditional fiction and nonfiction materials. A dedicated teen space requires reservations and includes seating adjacent to curated selections of young adult literature addressing both fiction and nonfiction interests of adolescent readers.

There is a cafe inside the facility at the main entryway but outside of the main floor, a feature that enables extended use by patrons engaged in research or project work. Study rooms are available, and the building’s open floorplan accommodates efficient wayfinding across its substantial footprint. A Texas section houses historical and regional materials, including multiple copies of titles addressing local geography, natural history, and regional documentation.

The library’s materials collections prioritize Spanish-language holdings, reflecting the demographic composition of the region. This intentional curatorial approach addresses the actual population served rather than imposing collections from outside the regional context.

The MPLab at the Central branch provides access to three-dimensional printing technology. The service operates as a staff-managed process: patrons submit digital files to library staff, who handle file preparation and cost estimation based on material usage. Prints are executed after patron approval of the estimated cost. The printer functions as a production tool rather than a public-access device; patrons remain responsible for generating or sourcing designs, while staff provides technical assistance with color selection and modifications. This model contrasts with facilities offering open-access printing, but provides resource availability that would otherwise require significant investment from individuals seeking such printing services.

The computer lab provides general workstations equipped for research and document preparation. 

Lark Branch Library

2601 Lark Avenue McAllen, Texas, 78504

The Lark Branch operates as both a community library and recreation center, integrated into the city’s parks system. The facility features terrazzo flooring and houses a basketball court available for gym rental at resident rates of $20 per hour or $35 for two hours.

The library maintains standard fiction and nonfiction collections, a children’s section with junior graphic novels, and computer stations. A Texas section holds materials on regional history, natural history, and regional documentation, including works on Texas trees and wildflowers relevant to artists depicting natural landscapes. A dedicated teen space requires reservations and includes seating adjacent to the graphic novels and comics section, with curated young adult literature addressing both fiction and nonfiction interests. For visitors seeking a more streamlined experience, or physical activation as a part of their library experience, the Lark Branch may offer a more expedited experience. This branch is about a seven minute drive north of the Central library. Using North 23rd Street, visitors may easily navigate between either location by car.

The branch offers other community programming, including book clubs and tabletop gaming clubs.

South Texas College, Pecan Campus Makerspace

3201 West Pecan Boulevard, McAllen, Texas, 78501

South Texas College operates a makerspace facility currently restricted to enrolled students, faculty, and staff. The college has indicated plans to expand public access through its “learning commons and open lab” program. A timeline for public access expansion has not been formalized, though makerspace staff suggest that public use may be available within a year’s time.

The makerspace equipment inventory includes PRUSA PLA printers, resin printing systems, and ABS/QRS printers (including a Stratasys machine designated for specific departmental use). A ShopBot desktop MAX ATC CNC router was recently acquired, with training workshops scheduled for users. A laser engraver will also be available for use upon installation. The facility does not charge students for three-dimensional printing, though usage is subject to frequency and volume caps.

Equipment access requires either on-site or online training certification. Makerspace technicians oversee equipment operation and maintenance, with the expectation that users develop basic proficiency through structured training.

An “ideation space” provides tables for collaborative work, large-format monitors, and an oversized interactive touch-screen display for presentations and brainstorming activities. A recording studio accommodates podcast production, music recording, and basic audio editing, with plans for a dedicated soundproof recording enclosure.

An extended reality section includes VR headsets, employed primarily by architecture and healthcare programs for spatial visualization and clinical simulation. The general computer lab serves students across disciplines, with infrastructure oriented toward both general use and makerspace-specific applications.

The college has partnered with its cosmetology department to support student design of salon plans through three-dimensional modeling and fabrication. The summer youth camp program provides workshops to middle and high school students in collaboration with regional educational organizations.

The post Artist Resources at Texas Public Libraries: McAllen  appeared first on Glasstire.

That’s one O!

#Ryo #RoninWarriors

Well now ... what do ya think about that? #CowboyWho

You’ve Always Been This Way is a column written by Taylor Harris, a late-diagnosed neurodivergent woman and 1980s preschool dropout, who identifies every moment from her past that filled her with shame, and mutters, “Yep, that tracks. I see it all now.”

Dearest Neurobaddies of the Finest Order,

I did a thing. No, not procuring a pint of Graeter’s ice cream before 9 a.m., though who am I to discount the diminutive glory of my former days? Just because I write to you from the summit of Midlife Desire and Acquisition, doesn’t mean I’m untouchable. It just means I trusted myself and didn’t ruin everything. In fact, I kind of nailed it. Did I question myself 13,000 times first? Think of every reason I should abandon the want lighting up my heart like a 1980s Glo Worm? Yes and yes. And then I proceeded to do the thing anyway. So pull up your stretchy pants and lift ye old breasts back into the cups of your threadbare brassieres, ladies. It’s story time.

On Monday, May 4, 2026, I flew to Austin to see Raye in concert with her sisters Amma and Absolutely. You KNOW how much I love sisters. But do you know how much I hate being away from home? Much. I hate it muchly, same with flying.

Raye and her sisters on stage in Austin.

I’d bought tickets, last-minute, on Sunday. Packed my colorful self-identified autistic Cotopaxi backpack with books I wouldn’t read that could fix my life and a bag of sour candies to properly spike and plunge me into a cold hypoglycemic state. Quick joke: What do you call a state that’s not being gutted by Republicans? Answer: Let’s hope there’s still time to find out.

I had to leave my two teenagers behind, even though I knew they were as obsessed with Raye’s sophomore album, This Music May Contain Hope, as I was. My son keeps the vinyl spinning and was the first to memorize the impossibly quick lyrics to “Click Clack Symphony,” the lovechild of Raye and Hans Zimmer. My daughter practices the runs and riffs, commands Alexa to play “I Will Overcome.” We blast “The WhatsApp Shakespeare” in the car and stare maniacally at my youngest, Juliet, willing her to crack a smile at the words, “Juliet must run / Juliet must vanish.” We’ve formed a small but steadily neurodivergent cult, and we are asking for a certain British singer to lead us home. Did my son write an entire article, “Why Raye’s Newest Album is the Ultimate AuDHD Album,” in Google Docs? Sure did. Complete with The Devil Wears Prada references.

A bit of context, baddies: I am forty-three years old. Some days I feel twenty-five; other days, I understand my ovaries have been replaced by two candy cigarettes, puffing chalk into the dark alleys of my abdomen.

So I read Miranda July’s All Fours when it came out. Did I relate to the woman, the motel, the living of a second life within or along the perimeter of your first? Not exactly. I come from purity culture, babes. I’m loyal as they come, terrible at lying, and just learned “raw dogging” isn’t only about bros flying without iPhones. Let’s be honest: I can barely sleep, let alone get buck neck-ed, in any hotel, motel, or Holiday Inn, because I’m terrified of germs. But I sensed I was supposed to relate to something in that book. Which is literally the definition of autism. My whole life is “Oh, you’re supposed to do it that way? Wear those jeans? Negotiate your salary? Have emotions at the time of the emotional event? Who explained this to you?”

But hats off to Miranda July, because even if I can’t write a sex scene without plagiarizing the Song of Solomon, I did feel a shift in my late thirties. As though my brain unlocked another backroom full of questions and accouterments related to How Things Work, and once your brain opens that door, dear reader, there’s zero point in shutting it. You have to look around. Even if opening the boxes and pulling books off the shelves (my back room is a library, of course) unleashes exhausting rumination or contributes to burnout. You can slam the door, take some time off, go drink a daiquiri on the beach, but you’ll come back. Midlife is in that room. I found autism and ADHD boxes in mine; a box of oil pastels and paint markers stuffed into a tin labeled DELIGHT; and I’m just starting to examine this thing in the corner, a complex and vintage contraption labeled WANT. We are born with it, all of us. So what happened to mine?

Can I tell you the first thing I tried to do with a piece of my want? After I acknowledged my desire to see Raye, with ridiculous flight costs, during the school week, when I would have to lean on my spouse and community to fill in, I tried to build a container for my want. I put it away in big Rubbermaid containers, marked as DUMB, IMPOSSIBLE, SELFISH, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, WE CAN’T AFFORD THIS.

It kept bursting out from under the lid, like Strega Nona’s noodles. But I’m a modern, therapized woman. I have workarounds and cognitive flexibility and meds for situations like this.

I leaned harder into “shoulds” and shame. I reminded my heart that stay-at-home moms who are adjunct professors and freelance writers who do deep dives into human behavior when other parents are making money, don’t get to take last-minute trips if someone’s not dying. When shame left me hungry, even if dejected, I tried to put the want on a shelf marked MOTHER’S DAY. If I could just do a two-factor verification of why I deserved this trip, maybe I could go without guilt. My want proved too big for the particle board shelf. Too heavy. Too living for the stuff men created to seem real.

I have spent many hours, many days, years, then, convincing myself my wants must align with certain rules or the passionate desires of others. I’ve told myself that what I want is impossible. Or that I can only want and choose a thing when my back’s against the wall. A 9-1-1 desire, like the old Kmart blue-light special. There are three billion reasons why I do this, and my therapist and I have only uncovered fifteen, so I hope she’s ready to push up her Quince sweater sleeves and get to work for another decade. The reasons why matter. But right now, they don’t matter as much as trusting that sometimes I do know what I want. And I’m not talking about ice cream or soft tees or a pair of clearance Nikes.

I can want something big and bright for myself. Something that isn’t required or “for a job” or “for a kid” or “for the family,” and that is okay. Good, even.

Taylor (left) with friends at Raye concert.

If you see me out and about (good luck) in my first-ever oversized concert tee, let it remind you that aging autistic baddies, lovers of lattes and libraries, creatures of habit and predictable highs, are allowed to want things that cost or take up space or hinge on the assistance of others. There’s a good chance what we desire will be gorgeous and complex, dripping with depth. A Raye concert in an outdoor amphitheater on a mildly breezy night in Austin? She and her sisters singing “Joy” like three little girls dancing in their backyard, unaware or uncaring that hundreds or even thousands are looking on? Yes, please. But if it’s not as glorious as a night with a dream artist and her no-skips sophomore album, at least we will have trusted ourselves enough to choose our want and call it good.

The Trump administration has targeted NPR, PBS, and their affiliates. The Onion shares tips for supporting public media. 

Contact your senator with thoughts on the Downton Abbey finale.

While grocery shopping, text Morning Edition to see if they need anything.

If you know the identity of a famed serial killer, consider giving the scoop to your local NPR member station.

Sign a petition that, who knows, might be the first one that matters.

Volunteer at your neighborhood’s local nasally voiced pedant shelter.

Get high and watch the Mac Miller Tiny Desk Concert again.

If you see a person wearing weird glasses in public, thank them for their work at NPR.

Don’t ignore the hand reaching out of Big Bird’s mouth and rattling a cup of loose change.

Be sure to say “What the fuck?” when it disappears.

The post Tips For Supporting Public Media appeared first on The Onion.

HENDERSON, NV—Solemnly nodding in agreement as they took turns speaking, each person engaged in an intense dinner conversation at a local restaurant Tuesday was reportedly under an entirely different impression as to which of the world’s horrific news stories they were discussing.

According to sources, the four friends emphatically concurred that everything was really bleak these days and that something urgently needed to be done, despite the fact that each visualized completely separate problems and potential solutions to those problems. Reports indicated that while the friends did not actually discuss the same topic even once, they vigorously agreed that they’d never seen it this bad. 

“I’m just so goddamn fed up with all this,” Gina Small, 29, said in a comment on the U.S. economy that one of her friends assumed was about the world’s ongoing humanitarian crises, another friend thought was about the weaponization of America’s military against its own people, and a third believed was about the sickness and death caused by the devaluing of medical science. “I honestly don’t know what we can do about it, but something’s gotta change.”

“And not tomorrow, but today,” added Small, her friends murmuring in assent as if their individual concerns were what was weighing heavily upon the entire group. “Soon it’ll be too late, if it isn’t already.”

The conversation is said to have progressed with each member of the group privately contemplating a totally different appalling situation while saying they were increasingly ashamed to be an American. Through their completely independent considerations of extrajudicial killings in international waters, the misery and starvation brought about by slashing foreign aid, the peril of isolation after abandoning crucial longstanding alliances, and the danger to global democracy posed by the coddling of fascist strongmen, the four friends separately came to the conclusion that they no longer even recognized this country.

“I have no idea what’s going to become of our personal freedoms,” said Kevin Aguilar, 30, whose statement referred to crackdowns on nonviolent protest but was interpreted by the others as addressing either threats to safe and legal abortion, the government-ordered censorship of college curricula, or the abuse of the justice system to target perceived ideological enemies. “And where are we without those? I just don’t know.”

Sources reported that Aguilar—the only one of the four friends reflecting on the potential of AI fakery to sow mistrust rather than the tendency of traditional media to champion artificial balance over truth, the alarming mainstreaming of once-fringe conspiracy theories, or the corrosive effect of social media silos on a shared understanding of reality—then wondered aloud if, in fact, it was even possible to know anything at all anymore.

For four very different reasons, the group then enthusiastically agreed that this shit was getting scary.

Later on, and without in any way referencing how gerrymandered states dilute the influence of individual voters, how powerful monied interests self-servingly manipulate government policy, or how voter suppression tactics compromise free and fair elections, Paul Krueger, 33, reportedly said, “But what the hell are we supposed to do when regular people have no voice in how things are run?” Sources later confirmed that Krueger had actually been thinking of how the antiquated Electoral College all but eliminated a majority of Americans from the presidential voting process, and that he had mistakenly believed his friends were thinking likewise.

Reports indicated that the closest the four friends came to aligning in their discussion was at the very end, when Aimee Levin, 28, said there was still a reason for hope despite everything going on, and the other three all privately thought she was fucking nuts. 

The post Everyone In Conversation Under Different Impression As To Which Horrific News Being Discussed appeared first on The Onion.

The post What’s Our Health Insurance Denying? appeared first on The Onion.

Aaron Petrov, 75, died suddenly Saturday at a very confusing murder mystery party.

The post Aaron Petrov appeared first on The Onion.

“The United States Army has officially raised its enlistment age limit to 42.” — New York Times

Arrival

Once you step off the bus, basic training has begun. Recruits carrying ergonomic rolling luggage will be immediately singled out for punishment. Next, your bags will be inspected for contraband. Any attempts to smuggle in heating pads, lumbar-support braces, or Lactaid pills will cause your drill sergeant to go ballistic. Full-fat dairy is a big part of the warrior ethos.

Red Phase
(Weeks 1-3)

The goal of the Red Phase is to begin your transformation from soft, middle-aged weakling into an unstoppable, silver-fox warrior. During these first three weeks, you’ll get a thorough introduction to the following:

• US Army’s core values, traditions, and ethics
• Protein binging
• Exercise purging
• Combat 101: fighting hand-to-hand soldiers, guerrilla insurgents, and hypertension
• Crowd-dispersion
• Sodium-reduction
• Identifying, ignoring, and over-medicating chronic knee pain
• Tactical sudoku
• Nuclear-biological-chemical chamber analysis (also known as a “colonoscopy”)
• The RFK Jr. mid-life challenge: One hundred push-ups. Fifty pull-ups. Spray-tanned and in jeans.

Obviously, this is an intense training schedule, geared toward building physical endurance. You’ll move up once you’re able to kick a training dummy without shattering your ankle, or complete two days without complaining about sleeping on your neck funny.

White Phase
(Weeks 4–5)

The White Phase focuses on strong-arming your aging body into submission, with special emphasis on weapons training. You’ll learn how to identify, target, and engage targets with a rifle. You will also lose what’s left of your hearing. Here’s a rundown of what we’ll cover:

• Basic rifle marksmanship (BRM)—engaging distant targets
• Basic blurry marksmanship (BBM)—engaging distant targets without glasses
• Zeroing a rifle
• Zeroing your percentage of body fat
• Acquiring a midlife eating disorder
• Surprise barracks inspection
• Surprise bowel obstruction
• Dissociating through a complete physical breakdown
• Mainlining hypertrophic vitamin infusions
• Yogurt

Soon, you’ll start to get the hang of military midlife. You may even think your drill sergeant is noticing how, after you cough, you’re peeing your pants a little less. You’re developing all the essential soldier skills, which you’ll put together in the next phase.

Blue Phase
(Weeks 6–9)

It’s time to dig deep. This final phase is the most important part of your training. It will either render you a broken bag of bone fragments or turn you into a jacked, over-forty fighting machine. These three weeks are spent on the following:

• Undergoing testosterone replacement therapy as part of a team
• Engaging in ten-to-fifteen tactical supplements, including Swolverine peptide stacks, ’roids, pumpers, gym candy, and Peter Thiel–inspired blood infusions from a young alpha stud
• Saying goodbye to your former life
• Final physical inspection before the Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT)
• Final brain MRI before the APFT
• Completing the APFT, effectively grafting your frail, disintegrating human body onto a titanium aluminide insect-exoskeleton engineered by SpaceX. This process is permanent. You must pass the APFT to graduate.

Army Basic Training Graduation
(Week 10)

You’ll receive one day off with your family to catch up on your recent experiences. Thanks to your new seven-foot-tall mechanical praying-mantis cyborg body, you’ll have plenty to discuss.

Congratulations. You’re now ready for your first military assignment:

Administrative Support

Obviously, we’re placing you on full-time desk duty. What did you think would happen? You’re middle-aged.

The last research report from Issue 277 of Shintō Shūkyō that I want to talk about is “Possibilities for Doctrinal Research Regarding Cashless Payment at Shinto Shrines”, by Hasebe Haruhiko. This is a topic I have mentioned several times before, because with the decline in the number of people carrying cash it is becoming increasingly important for jinja, as a matter of economic survival.

Hasebë starts by looking at the general situation. He notes that the number of religious corporations accepting cashless payments has increased in the last five years or so, although it is still a minority, and that there are no longer any fundamental legal problems with them doing so. The issue is whether it is religiously appropriate.

He then covers some of the religious issues that have been raised about cashless payments in Shinto in earlier work. First, there is a positive argument for accepting them. Historically, offerings to jinja were often of the most advanced products of the time, and cashless payment is the most advanced form of money at present. Therefore, offering cashless money to the kami is in line with that tradition. He then notes responses from Kawamura Tadanobu to a couple of common objections. The first is that, if someone makes an offering by credit card, the money enters the jinja’s account a few days later. However, there are earlier precedents for making the actual offering later, specifically in prayers for victory in war (probably WWII, but the report does not say). The second is that there is a transaction fee, so not all of the offering goes to the jinja. There are two responses to that. The first is that the historical kō, groups that organised to send a representative to an important jinja with their requests, let their representative pay travel expenses out of the offering, which is a form of transaction charge. The other is the observation that banks have started charging to deposit coins, so that the presence of a transaction charge is not unique to cashless payments.

Hasebë also raises an issue he has not seen discussed. It is common for cashless systems to offer points or cashback promotions. In that case, the person might get part of their offering back. It makes no difference to the jinja — the money comes from the company — but psychologically it might be significant for the person making the offering.

His main concern, however, is with the reasons for doing things. Jinja often do things, such as offer interesting goshuin or omamori, in order to attract more people to pay their respects. Accepting cashless offerings is part of making it easier for people to do so, by lowering the barrier to entry. Another researcher has referred to this as “light religion”, or possibly “religion lite”. (The Japanese is unambiguously about lack of weight.) The decline in the number of ujiko means that jinja must attract other adherents to survive, but Hasebë is concerned about whether the jinja can offer a religious justification for doing that.

I think there is an important concern here. While this is an oversimplification, I think we can see the fundamental issue as follows. Jinja are for the kami, not the people who visit. Thus, if you want to make a change, you have to be able to say why it is good for the kami. It is taken as given in Shinto that the continued existence of a jinja is good for the kami enshrined there, so this does not mean that jinja should accept economic failure. It does, on the other hand, provide a different perspective. It is not enough that we can say that people would appreciate a change. If we think the kami would not like it, then we should look for a different change — or leave things the same if there is not a problem.

Of course, the kami are not renowned for being clear and explicit about their desires, but even so I think this would make a difference to how issues were thought about, and would lead to priests looking for a “religious” reason for their plans.

In brief: After the hottest day of 2026 in Houston, we expect a quiet, less hot but more humid weekend. Rain chances then pick up next week with potentially locally heavy rainfall in spots by midweek.

Yesterday was our hottest day of the year in Houston, as we officially hit 91 degrees at Bush Airport. Lest anyone wonder if IAH is too overcooked, a CenterPoint sensor adjacent to the airport hit 90 degrees, so the answer is probably not. Hobby Airport also hit 91 degrees. That’s our 5th 90 degree day of the year. Early summer is here.

Today

We have a shot at pushing 91 again today, though I think we may come up just a tinge short. Dewpoints and thus humidity are a bit higher today.

We also have a few extra clouds streaming through the area today. Either way, we are quibbling. It should feel fairly similar today to yesterday.

Weekend

Saturday looks fine. Sunday could see an isolated shower but nothing that would significantly disrupt your plans. You will notice the breeze this weekend. Onshore winds around 15 to 20 mph with gusts as high as 30 mph are possible on both weekend days as more humid air continues to rush ashore. High temperatures will probably come up short of 90 degrees, with mostly upper-80s expected. Cloud cover will be noticeable on both days, along with breaks of sunshine.

Next week

Expect a more active weather week next week. A pretty substantial plume of moisture in the atmosphere is going to extend from Texas, across the western Gulf, and into Central America. Some of this moisture plume actually extends back into the eastern Pacific too. So, we will have plentiful moisture in place to support potentially heavy rainfall in spots.

The question we can’t answer this far out is where the triggering will end up. Will it be mainly in interior Texas? Louisiana? Here in Southeast Texas? We don’t know just yet, but there are plenty of signals in the modeling that 1 to 2 inches of rain or more will fall next week across the region. Isolated higher amounts would be almost guaranteed in this type of pattern. Bottom line: It’s too early to say exactly who will see the most rain next week, but there is an increasing chance that some parts of the area will receive locally heavy rainfall, especially next Tuesday or Wednesday. More to come on this.

The rain will hold back daytime temperatures a good bit, with highs mainly in the 80s but the moisture and clouds will hold lows in the mid to upper-70s. May the foggy glasses when you step out of the car commence.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Should I say something about our intern’s bright blue pimple patch?

We have a paid intern on a four-month term with government. He has some social anxiety things and general workplace norms we have been working with him on.

Last week, he showed up at a virtual internal team meeting with a blue star sticker on his forehead. It took a while to figure out it was a pimple patch.

Do we say something? I know there is a move among young people to wear bright and patterned pimple patches in public, but at work I expect them to be hidden.

Pimple patches at work are increasingly getting normalized and seen as no different than a band-aid — but at work you’d generally want to choose a neutral one, not a bright blue star, just like in many/most offices it would feel out of sync to wear a bright novelty bandage with a Pixar character on it on your face.

But this is what internships are for: to learn professional norms. So I’d approach it from that angle: “Bandages are obviously fine at work, but if it’s on your face, it’ll look more professional if you choose a neutral one rather than a bright color. This is one of those things that people generally don’t come in knowing, and exactly why internships can be so useful.”

There are some offices where a bright blue pimple patch would be fine too, but I’m guessing yours isn’t one of them and it’s to his advantage to know that.

2. Have the rules around mentioning kids when networking changed since the pandemic?

I ran into a former boss at a professional meeting recently, and when we were catching up she mentioned a job that she thought would be a good fit for me. We talked briefly, but I told her it wasn’t right for me right now because I have young children and need more flexibility. Was this unprofessional?

My friends and I were discussing this later and we’re pretty split: half of them thought I shouldn’t have mentioned my kids at all because it risks “mommy-categorizing” me and will curtail future recruitment, and half thought mentioning kids/families/life at work has become more socially acceptable in the last five years and employers respect people who know their worth and have boundaries around work and family life. (Interestingly my mom-friends were mostly in the first group while the dads in the group thought employers respect work/life balance.)

We’re in a conservative industry (think finance, but it’s not that) but it’s 2026, and the realities of being a working parent are much more openly discussed now. What do you think?

I don’t think it’s any surprise that the men had a more optimistic view than the women, since the women are the ones who actually need to deal with how this still works. But I think there’s a difference between talking about your kids in an interview (where I’d still avoid it, because you don’t want to give them a reason not to hire you) and saying it when you’re catching up with a former boss and are explaining why you don’t want to pursue a particular job.

In either situation, mentioning your kids wouldn’t be unprofessional — just possibly unwise in the interview scenario. Even in 2026, there’s absolutely still bias against female candidates who interviewers think might less available or less dedicated due to their kids. (The men you talked to have probably had different experiences themselves, but it’s well-documented that there’s a mom penalty far more there’s a dad penalty.)

3. Do I have to give four weeks notice when I quit?

Our employee manual requests two-week notice periods for non-management and then increases in increments for roles in management and higher. In my position (department lead), the “suggestion” is four weeks for a notice period. We’re in an at-will state in the U.S.

Last year, the company went through a RIF where many staff were furloughed without severance or a notice period. I became the only leader in my department overnight. No one has been asked back, and the folks who were able to find other work were considered resignations (again, no severance or payout for PTO accrued). As the months have passed and the chaos from this RIF has worsened, I’ve begun interviewing for other roles. Recruiters are asking how long I’d need for a notice period, and I’m worried that four weeks is hurting my chances.

Ideally, I would love to give two weeks of notice, take a week off to just breath and reset, and then start fresh(ish) in a new role. My burnout is real and I know hopping into the next role immediately will not be good for my mental or physical health. But this approach seems like it will burn bridges with a company that I’ve built almost 10 years of good will with. Alternatively, a four-week window with no break at all seems abysmal for a number of reasons, and that’s assuming a new company can hire on that timeline.

My most recent datapoint for comparison was a manager (in name only, as their entire team was furloughed or quit) who gave two weeks notice. I heard from them that their boss (a company owner) reacted terribly to the resignation and made their anger clear. I also heard from colleagues that other executives were complaining about the short notice period. During the notice period, I discovered there was absolutely zero redundancy or support for this person in their role and leadership had no idea how to cover the work. Of course, this isn’t the resignee’s fault and they worked their butt off to support a transition. But their reputation with company leadership has been unfairly tarnished.

Do I have options here? Frankly, I struggle to move past the fact that this company released employees with no notice or support last year and yet has the gall to be upset with resigning employees this year. But I also need to factor in my professional reputation and the realities of a competitive job market.

They can “request” four weeks notice all they want; it doesn’t obligate you to give it. Two weeks notice is what’s standard, and it’s reasonable for you to give that. That would be true regardless, but it’s exponentially true with an employer that doesn’t offer severance in lieu of notice. If their finances made doing that impossible, then so be it — but they’ve forfeited any standing to take issue with you giving two weeks notice (which is still two weeks better than what they did on their side!).

If they want a certain amount of notice from people, they need to have policies and practices on their side that offer the equivalent in return (and even then, they won’t always get it, because that’s not how this works). But they don’t. They have the opposite.

That doesn’t mean they won’t be upset when you resign; you can’t control that. But you can act reasonably on your side — meaning that you give two weeks notice — and say, “Unfortunately I’m not able to give more than a standard two-week notice period; I tried to make longer work but couldn’t.” And including the word “standard” in there is intentional.

Related:
can my employer make me give four weeks notice when I quit?
can I give 2 weeks notice when my employer says they “expect” 4 weeks?

4. Could I ever have a manager and an employee swap positions?

I manage a department in a public sector organization. The work is very technical/specialized, and good people are hard to find. Everyone involved is on a pretty generous payscale, in my opinion.

I have two specialists who are relatively young, ambitious, flexible, and eager to learn. I also manage two managers who have long experience and a lot of knowledge, but who are pretty taciturn and set in their ways and keep a lot of knowledge in their heads without documenting. The department was without any leader for some time before I joined, and while the managers filled the gap to some extent, neither of them was interested in vying for a further promotion. In practice I supervise all four.

I have high hopes for both specialists but they are both somewhat frustrated at being stuck where they are until one of the manager positions opens up. Previously I had explored adding more grades to the specialist position so they had more promotions ahead of them, and I had successfully raised their salary scales, but our organization is currently having economic headwinds and more adjustments like that will be very difficult for a while.

One of the specialists, Alexa, is very good at advocating for herself and inquires from time to time what options are available for her advancement. She definitely has options if she doesn’t advance here. She does great work, possibly the best in the department, and is always working on improving her already high skills.

It gets to the point that it feels like she is more suitable as a manager than her actual manager. Often I direct a question at her manager, Jody, that I see as a higher-level question she should answer, but then often (and to my declining surprise) she defers to Alexa. Alexa is far more proactive and big-picture-mindful than Jody, who sort of plods along and seems to take the easy/reactive route whenever possible.

Is there a framework in which I could make Jody and Alexa swap positions? Or is this broadly out of the question in most cases? What might be the groundwork to make it feasible, if ever? I honestly think Jody has a perspective and habits more suitable to the specialist position, and Alexa to the managerial position. But that doesn’t mean Jody wouldn’t react negatively to the idea, which would be a salary downgrade. (I could move around reporting lines so that Jody doesn’t literally report to Alexa, though — Alexa could manage the other specialist.)

Have you given Jody feedback on the weaknesses in her work or would this come as a total surprise to her? Before you think about having them swap positions, this is the first piece to tackle; if Jody isn’t meeting your expectations for her work, she deserves to know that. Totally aside from the Alexa complication, you should be coaching Jody and giving her feedback about how to improve.

As for a swap: possible but unlikely. If your sense was that Jody dislikes managing and wishes she could take a step down to a specialist role, then you could feel her out on whether she’d ever like to seriously explore doing that (although the fact that it would involve a pay cut makes it fairly unlikely). Otherwise, though, you’re better off managing Jody more forthrightly (including considering letting her go if she’s not performing at the level you need after coaching, although I can’t tell whether or not that’s the case). You could also consider just promoting Alexa to manage the other specialist, although if this is a team of four with no employees beneath the other two managers, that’s a lot of management below you for what doesn’t sound like good reason.

Really, I think you have a Jody problem that’s impacting everything else.

The post colorful pimple patches at work, mentioning kids when networking, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

It wasn’t my fault, I swear.

President Trump, when asked whether the economic hardships felt by Americans would motivate him to reach a deal with Iran, claimed “not even a little bit,” insisting his only concern was preventing the Middle East nation from procuring a nuclear weapon. What do you think?

“I say hit Iran where it hurts the most: my wallet.”

Ritchie Bender, Pie Slicer

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“Let’s hope a shared disdain for the American people can help those two reach a deal.”

Christian Newcomb, Factory Janitor

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“You don’t win a Nobel Peace Prize by prioritizing the needs of others.”

Mitra Ramdan, Decongestant Tester

The post Trump: Americans’ Economic Pain Not A Consideration In Iran Negotiations appeared first on The Onion.

Kavic Marabush's Pocket Guide to Computers

• archive

There’s me. 1982.

Off Campus, a TV adaptation of the bestselling hockey romance book series, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the show. 

Q: What is it about?

A: An “opposites attract” relationship between two college students who are different kinds of hot.

Q: Where is it set?

A: Confusingly, on campus.

Q: Is this like Heated Rivalry ?

A: No, there’s hockey in this one.

Q: Are there any cameos?

A: Yes! There’s a red-hot sex scene with Wayne Gretzky.

Q: Why is Amazon producing all of these book adaptations?

A: They still feel bad about putting Borders out of business.

Q: Is it good?

A: It’s eight times you don’t have to decide what to watch.

The post What To Know About ‘Off Campus’ appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Unwittingly Breaks Chinese Taboo Against Napping Facedown In Soup Bowl appeared first on The Onion.

EDMONTON – In addition to his announcement lowering industrial carbon pricing specifically just for Alberta, Prime Minister Mark Carney has unveiled a plan to eliminate all of Canada’s environment in order to balance the nation’s finances. At a press conference with Alberta Premier Danielle Smith, Prime Minister Carney outlined his plan to remove all of […]

The post Carney announces environment to be eliminated as cost-cutting measure appeared first on The Beaverton.

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No, it doesn't belong in the bodily needs section. If anything, it's in opposition to bodily needs.