Following is our course schedule for the spring 2015 semester.  If you are approaching two years of age, talk to your guidance counselor about how to register.

Pants and How Not to Wear Them

This beginner-level class takes you through the steps of why your parents insist on your wearing pants (something about social norms and/or cold weather) and gives you helpful tips on how to fight back.  Bicycle kicks not working?  Mediocre results with your tried and true method of shrieking, “NO PANTS!  NO PANTS! STOP, STOP, STOP IT!”?  Let our team of experts (i.e. 4-year-olds) take you through the steps of “adamant refusal.”  (Wednesdays and Fridays, 6PM-9PM)

Pulling Things off Shelves with Abandon

This class will once again be held in the campus library, much to the dismay of the librarians and custodial staff. (Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, 7PM-9PM)

Intro to Toddlerhood

New to toddlerhood?  This class allows you to get a firm grasp on the basics before pursuing a specialized course of study.  Guest speakers cover such perennial topics as: Opening cabinets full of dangerous cleaning solvents; Sneezing in the mouths of loved ones; and Goldfish Crackers: The art of competitive eating.  Master the art of smiling innocently while crushing avocado into the dog’s fur.  (Mondays and Wednesdays 12PM-4PM)

Annoying Shows and How to Constantly Ask For Them

Missing out on Calliou?  Craving a nine-hour loop of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse?  Start watching what you want to watch when you want to watch it!  Back by popular demand, this course teaches someone with a vocabulary of under 70 words how to bully a full-grown adult into submission.  (One Week Intensive: Monday-Friday 1PM to 8PM)

Where to Leave Legos So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark

Hoping to cripple the two adults who’ve put their lives on hold so that you can have a meaningful childhood?  This class will give you hints on where to play (ideally right where people are trying to walk) and tips on how to casually leave toys where they’ll impale themselves in the feet of people groggily walking to the bathroom.  Legos not provided.  (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, 7PM-9PM)

(Prerequisite Class:  “Where to Leave Small Matchbox Cars So That Your Parents Will Step on Them in the Dark)

Introduction to Not Sharing

Back by popular demand, spots in this class are incredibly limited and fill up quickly.  Sign up now and the space is yours and if you don’t sign up now, too bad, someone else got to the spot first and no matter how much you cry or yell that you want a spot in this class you can’t have one.

No.  We’re not giving you a spot.  This is our class, you can go take a different class. (Tuesdays and Fridays, 12PM-3PM)

Walking Slowly

Class begins at 4PM and is held in a building 200 feet from campus down a road littered with interestingly-shaped sticks and little pieces of paper.  Anyone arriving on time receives a failing grade. (Wednesdays and Fridays, 4PM-6PM)

Climbing Out Of Your Crib

Still crib bound?  This activity-intense class is perfect for the toddler who’s tired of looking at her dangling mobile and would much rather be walking around her room opening Vaseline jars or sticking ball point pens into electrical sockets.  (This could be you!)  Our instructors train you in traditional crib-departure techniques (i.e. standing on a bunch of your stuffed animals until you can get your leg over the rail) as well as answering questions such as “Does it hurt to land on a hardwood floor?” “Could I bounce out of the crib using my mattress as a trampoline?” and the perennial, “Can the mobile above my crib hold my weight and theoretically would I be able to swing out of the crib like Tarzan?”  (Wednesdays 8PM-4AM)

Intro to Food Refusals

Master the art of turning down perfectly delicious, high-quality food because “it’s touching other food on the plate” and/or “there are little green things in it.”  Let our professionally-trained in-house chefs prepare a five-course meal for you to push away, hurl on the floor, or smoosh into your hair while screaming.  (Mondays and Thursdays, 6PM-9PM)

Intermediate Art

The fact that you don’t fully understand language doesn’t mean you don’t have something to say.  This time-tested class is considered by many to be the perfect venue for encouraging self-expression using nothing but glue, permanent markers and your parents’ upholstered furniture.  (Tuesdays and Thursdays, 12PM-3PM)

*          *          *

If you enjoyed this post, like The Ugly Volvo on Facebook or follow the blog by signing up at the bottom of the page.  You can follow me on Pinterest but all I ever pin are inspirational quotes and pictures of libraries so I’m not sure it’s worth your time.  But the Facebook thing would be great. 

Number one…you guys are fantastic at naming dogs.  Tallulah Barkhead?  Jane Pawston?  Louise L’Amour?  Virginia Woof?  You need to start a dog-naming business because your talents are wasted, people.

Number two….After several days to trying out lots of names we seem to be leaning toward Dorothy Barker (Dottie for short) but at the last minute I thought, Hang on.  What if we call her “Knives”?  Because that might be the most useful dog name ever (if said in the required, vaguely-threatening tone).

“I’m sorry.  You can’t let me into the bar because my purse is moving?  Ridiculous.  Do you know what I have in my purse?  KNIVES.  I have KNIVES in my purse.  WANNA SEE?”

“No, you answer the door.  I’m holding knives.”

“The postman refuses to deliver to me because he always ends up getting chased by knives.”

“Hey, I don’t want to be a bitch but it’s 2am and your drum solo is keep us all up.  Who is ‘us’?  Oh, just me and my knives.”

“Yes, I’d love to hear about why you think I’m going to hell BUT I’VE LOST MY KNIVES.  HAVE YOU SEEN MY KNIVES?  WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?”

“You don’t believe that Anxiety Disorder is a real thing?  Fascinating.  I actually have Anxiety Disorder but I carry around a secret cure that helps.  It’s called KNIVES.”

“You don’t make this dress in my size?  No, I’m not mad.  I just need to spend some alone time in your dressing room.  With my knives.”

“There’s a limit to how many pets I can have in my house? No worries. I just have some cats.  And my knives.”

Then again, Knives would probably get me arrested.  But on the plus side, when my intimidating cellmate asked what I was in for I could say “KNIVES.  I LOVE KNIVES.”   But when the judge asked the same thing I could say shrug innocently and say, “Just this little doggie” and I wouldn’t be lying to either of them.

Dorothy Barker agrees with me and I suspect she will go by Dottie when she’s trying to make a good impression, and Knives when she’s been drinking.  It’s a good system.  In fact, I’m thinking of using it myself.  I just have to come up with a good name now that “Knives” is taken.

PS.  How about “Extra Knives”?  No.  That doesn’t sing.  I’ll keep working on it.

Created by Cartoonist and illustrator Rob Peters...(Read...)

This is the $128 Super Gorone Desk designed by Thanko from Japan. It can be used to hold your..(Read...)

I’ve read Goodnight Moon almost every night for the past two years.  It’s a wonderful book which my son enjoys.  Here are some of my issues with the bedroom depicted in it.

1.  The Size of the Bedroom

This bedroom is enormous.  There is no one, I think, who has not noticed this.  As someone who has lived in apartments only slightly larger than “a little toy house,” it’s mildly vexing that this bedroom is the size of a banquet hall in Downton Abbey.

2. The Little Toy house.

This is not that little of a toy house.  Not only could the rabbit easily fit inside the “little toy house,” the little toy house also has working electricity.  Why are these rabbits so civilized?  Is this some f**ked up Watership Down sequel???

3. This Just-Discovered Transcript of a Conversation Had by the Interior Decorators

“So what color have we decided on for the upstairs child’s bedroom?”

“Which child’s bedroom?”

“The enormous one.  The one with the expansive tomato-colored floor.”

“I was thinking for that room maybe a dark green?”

“Really?  Dark green?  You don’t think maybe dark green walls with a tomato-colored floor is a bit much?”

“No, it’ll look amazing.  We can break up the monotony of the color with some dark green and yellow striped curtains.”

“That’s an amazing idea.  On non-matching red and yellow spearhead curtain rods?  Do you think a tiger skin rug would be overkill?”

“For a young child’s room?  No.  Not at all.  ”  

4. This Bookshelf

Why are these books so thick?  This is a child’s bedroom, not a law library.  Unless this rabbit is defending a doctoral thesis, there’s no need for him to own every non-fiction hardcover from Farrar Straus and Giroux.

5. The Idea That Anyone Would Keep a Comb and a Brush and a Bowl Full of Mush on the Same Table

I’m right now trying to picture a situation in which I would place my unwashed hairbrush next to a bowl of cream of wheat and even the idea of it is turning my stomach.

Oh, you’re eating a bowl of warm cereal?  How do you take it?  With milk, cinnamon and dozens of soggy, long white hairs?

*Vomits onto neatly stacked fireplace logs*

6. The World’s Smallest Most Useless Clothesline

After living in New York City for almost a decade I’m very big into “intelligent use of space,” and the fact that this much floor space is taken up by a free standing clothesline that’s being used to dry ONE pair of socks and ONE pair of mittens makes me grind my teeth.  Mount it on the wall, idiots!  The people at IKEA would have a seizure if they looked at this room.  Also, isn’t there a laundry room or something?  Just put it in there.

7.   Continued…

“So what color do you think for the child’s bed?”

“I was thinking like a tomato-ish red color?”

“You remember the floor’s a tomato-ish red color.”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t think that’s a lot of red for a child’s bedroom?  We don’t want it to look like the Amityville Horror kill room or anything.”

“You don’t trust me?  I’ve been decorating children’s bedrooms for almost twenty years.”

“No, I trust you, I trust you.  So you want to do all the furniture in red?”

“Are you out of your f**king mind?  Of course not.  For the rest of the furniture I was thinking something sophisticated, like a mustard yellow.”

“For everything??  All the furniture?”

“All the furniture.”

“Even the little toy house?”

“Are you seriously asking me this?  No.  Of course not.  The little toy house should be red.”

8. The Dangerously Non-childproofed Fireplace

Look, I’m not a crazy stickler for safety or anything but shouldn’t there at least be a screen between the roaring open flame and the rest of the nursery?  Also, can we talk about how the heating situation is going to play out?  You’re going to use an old fashioned fireplace to heat a room the size of an elementary school gymnasium when the room has zero radiators and two enormous single-paned windows?  Have fun!  You’ll be totally fine with that thin green blanket you’ve thrown over the kid’s legs!

9. The Totally Ignored Existential Mouse

Anyone notice this guy?   What sort of mouse just hangs out in the middle of the carpet in an enormous open room within spitting distance of two cats?  Clearly this illustrator has never had an apartment with mice because real mice creep along the edges of rooms, usually in the dark, along baseboards and under furniture, occasionally chewing through the walls.  Given his devil-may-care attitude, this mouse is obviously lucid in a way we cannot understand, or rabid.

10. The idea that a child this young (rabbit or human) would need a black office telephone by his bedside.

Who’s calling, his financial adviser?  Why would someone this age need a telephone unless it’s to call the woman across the vast expanse of his bedroom to ask her to stop whispering, “Hush.”

11.  This Picture of Bears in a Couples Therapy Session

Husband Bear:  We’ve started fighting more since our son was born.  I feel like she resents me.  I feel like every little thing turns into an argument.”

Wife Bear:  “How could I not resent you?  We have a newborn and you’re off eating salmon in a PBS documentary while I’m stuck at home 24/7.

Husband Bear: “Don’t start, Janet!  That documentary was a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

Therapist Bear:  You sound angry.

Husband Bear:  Brilliant observation!  It took you eight years of graduate school to figure that out?

Therapist Bear:  Let’s all take a deep breath.  In, two three, out, two three…

(They are all silent for several seconds)

Wife Bear:  Also, a tomato red floor seems like a really bold choice for a psychologist’s office, doesn’t it?

Husband Bear:  God, you are so CRITICAL OF EVERYTHING.

Wife Bear:  Ugh.  My mother told me not to marry a grizzly.

*Husband Storms out.  Wife sobs quietly.  Psychologist quietly questions whether he was wise in going with the blue walls and mustard yellow office furniture.*

 12.  And in closing…

“Ok, so the mustard-colored bookcase came in. I had them install it in the corner and fill it with large, antique books. ”

“Great, so now all we’re waiting on is the round side table, the rocking chair and the freakishly enormous nightstand.”

“So wait, that’s it on the furniture?  It’s a big room, isn’t there going to be a lot of unused space?  Or are we filling that with toys?”

“Actually I was thinking for toys let’s keep it real minimal.  I’m thinking maybe one elephant, one giraffe and then the uncomfortably pink naked dolls on the bookshelf.”

“You don’t think maybe he could use a few more toys?  It’s such a huge room and it feels so empty and formal.  You’re sure his parents are going to be ok with it?”

“Will his parents be ok with it?  Did I not graduate in the top of my class with a degree in interior design?”

“I know, I just—”

“Have I not been designing rooms for the past twenty years?

“No, I know!  I just thought—”

“How about when I want your opinion I ask for it.”

“Arrggghhh.  I’m…I’m sorry I spoke up.”  (struggles between wanting to storm out in anger and being grateful for this apprenticeship, which he knows is a big deal. )

The End

*          *          *

If you enjoyed this piece, please like The Ugly Volvo on Facebook or follow me on Twitter.  Or follow the blog by signing up for email updates.  And if you read this book to your child all the time, please know that somewhere across the world I’m reading it to my child as well and it’ll be like that scene in An American Tail with Fievel and whatever the girl mouse’s name was.*

If you enjoyed my writing, I have an essay which I would describe as “not too terrible” in the book I Just Want to Be Alone.  If you want to spend 11 bucks and get it, the link also supports my lovely local bookstore.  And just like that I am done with the book recommending paragraph!   Please like my Facebook page and have a wonderful and productive day.  Thank you!

  *(I just looked it up.  It was Tanya.)

Remember last month, when the Kindle version of Off to Be the Wizard was on sale on Amazon, but only in the US? Well, now it’s the UK’s turn! 

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

3 Minnesota brothers have built a huge snow sculpture of a sea creature on their front lawn. Three..(Read...)

The Handicorn is a five-piece finger puppet set from Archie McPhee turns your hand in to a unicorn...(Read...)

So firstly, to clarify, I feel like other people with toddlers are going to narrow their eyes and go, “What did you mean by “read an article?  Like skimmed?  Like read all the captions underneath all the photographs and got the gist of it?”  And here I am blushing as I tell you that no—I read all of the words in the article.  The entire article, all the way up to the little black diamond that indicates a New Yorker article is finished.   My father buys me a subscription to the magazine every year as a gift and for years I would read it religiously—first all the cartoons and funny parts, followed by the actual articles, followed by the book and movie reviews.  For the past two years all that changed.  After the arrival of my son the delivery of the magazine became a weekly reminder that:

a.) there were people in the world with journalism degrees earning professional respect and

b.) that I did not have any free time.

But times they are a’changing, because I read an entire article in this week’s magazine and by “this week’s” I mean the one that came out on December 8^th, with the black and white arch on the cover.

“That’s impressive,” you’re saying skeptically.  “But I’m not sure I believe you really read it from beginning to end.  How could you have, with a toddler in the house?”

A good point.  I’m tempted to say “Sit down and I’ll tell you the tale of how I read this New Yorker article start to finish but I know that you probably can’t sit down because you’re doing between four and nine thousand things, so continue registering your child for soccer camp and/or an HTML workshop while simultaneously making Macaroni and Cheese and breastfeeding an infant that may or may not even be yours.  I can tell you the story while you multitask.  It’s fine.

It all began many, many hours ago when my husband said, “Hey, do you want me to watch him for a little while so that you can relax?”  Having recently become feral, I peered up from the lint-covered Triscuit that I had been eating after finding it in the pocket of my son’s overalls.  My hair was matted into dreadlocks and my eyes peered out, frightened but hopeful, like the gaze of someone who has been unjustly imprisoned for many years.

Unable to speak, I nodded frantically.  “Yes,” I attempted to say with Gorilla-type sign language gestures.  “Me want have free time no watch baby.  You is watch?”

“Yes,” my husband signed, grunting.  “Me is watch baby next few hours.  You is no have baby, is relax.”

And with that, he whisked the baby off to the other room so that I was left alone with a New Yorker magazine that had fallen behind one of the couch cushions.  I immediately read all the cartoons and the one-page-long funny “Shouts and Murmurs” section.  This felt wonderful, I thought to myself.  Look at me!  Sitting on a sofa reading a magazine!  Like a person!   This is like a thing a person would do!  I imagined myself doing other “person” things like going out for a drink with friends or seeing a show.  What an imagination I have!  But back to the article.

The article I read was something about young kids training to ride rodeo bulls.  It was between reading that and reading one about a Parisian department store, but the Parisian department store one had too many French words and even several English words I had to look up (excrescences?) so I abandoned it after a few paragraphs in a cloud of shame and defeat.  The second article had fewer mentions of things like the “Pont des Arts” and more mentions of the price of bull semen so I felt it might be a better match for where I was both intellectually and emotionally.  So for longer than it takes a normal person to read an article, I immersed myself in the world of eight-year-old boys who want to ride rodeo bulls.

The article starts with this crazy bull whose name is, I think, Bodacious, and then I had to take a five-minute break from reading because the baby walked back into the room going, “Pells!  Sol Pells!” which means he wants to watch “Los Exitosos Pells,” an Argentine telenovela that he watches with his father on the computer.   Jonathan swooped in and pulled him back into the nursery, allowing me to resume reading and learn that this one guy who tried to ride Bodacious got his entire face smashed in and it took 13 hours of reconstructive surgery to make him look human again.  Another rider asked to wear a hockey mask while riding the bull and still managed to fracture his eye socket.

There are eight-year-olds who watch this sport and fervently want to partake in it, apparently, although I feel that most likely my son will not be one of them as he is afraid of my hairdryer and most playground equipment.  As I am thinking this he walks back into the room holding a stuffed monkey and a toy excavator, exclaiming “Merry Christmas” and announcing that he has to go to the bathroom.  I momentarily get up to guide him toward the bathroom while explaining in a good natured way that it is no longer Christmas and then I think the article talks for a while about religion or Oklahoma or something.  It was really engaging.  Great article!

While “enjoying the article” I am also frantically looking for the little black diamond indicating that the article is over so that I can say that I read the entire article.  Every time I turn the page I look for it but page after page it is more information about rodeos and wow, I am learning a lot about bull semen.  I debate slipping this information into the dialogue at my next mom’s group.

“It’s crazy that they now have events where top bulls can compete against each other carrying dummy cowboys in order to be rated on their bucking ability?  And that the winner at a single event can take home a quarter of a million bucks? AND THAT A TUBE OF CHAMPION BULL SEMEN IS WORTH OVER $5,000?” 

“I’m not sure how that’s related to Tamara’s homeschooling curriculum,” one of the mothers will say, eyeing me strangely, holding her daughter close.

But that’s not my problem right now because I am BLISSFULLY LOST IN THE JOY OF READING THIS ARTICLE.  So long New York playground full of Beckets and Connors and Emmas.  I am fully absorbed into the world of kids with names like Wyatt and Trigger, all of whom are wearing paisley shirts and belt buckles the size of my face.   There is a page featuring badass elementary-aged cowgirls in events such as goat tying and mutton busting, which leads me to pull out my laptop and Google search the phrase “What is mutton busting?” only to spend the next ten minutes watching videos of six-year-olds in hockey masks clinging to sheep that are having a nervous breakdown.  The sheep run frantically like someone desperately late for a dentist appointment while the children grip them like enormous deer ticks.  Bull riding seems too dangerous but mutton busting seems like something I could possibly get behind—not necessarily for my son so much as for myself.  I imagine clinging to the backs of one of the desperate, feverish sheep as it takes off across the arena kicking up dirt and tufts of animal hair.  That is what I want, I think—to hold on to something for dear life, giddy with the joy of speed and the hint of danger.  I do not want to join a gym and take a strength training class, I want to learn to shoot a bow and arrow while riding a horse.   A few weeks ago I saw a video about breakdancers and wanted to be a professional breakdancer except that I am a woman in her 30’s with bad knees and all the guys I see doing it in the subway stations are 19 with bodies made of something that is half muscle, half Gumby-type elastic.

But it would be fun to compete in something.  I don’t get the chance to do things that are dangerous anymore.  The other day when I was at a friend’s apartment with the baby someone told me, “Be careful!  He could pinch his fingers!  The bedroom door is very dangerous,” and yes (Do not worry!) I was careful, but it is weird to think of a bedroom door as being “very dangerous.”   I never close a bedroom door and think, “Gracious me, I narrowly escaped with my life!”

“Hi hi hi hi hi.”  My son walks back into the room pulling, with difficulty, a large rolling suitcase.  His father trails him.

“What the hell are you watching?” my husband asks, squinting at my computer.

“Nothing,” I say.  I minimize the mutton busting video and move on.  MUST FINISH ARTICLE! PLEASE STAY FOCUSED!

I continue reading (there are seemingly infinite pages in this article), learning that there is a former bull riding champion upset over the breeding of fiercer and fiercer bulls.  I learn that a bull rider’s score is based not only on his ability but also on the difficulty of the bull that he is assigned at random. (If you are a great rider but are given only a mediocre animal, it is difficult to score well)  I learn that Bodacious has been retired from bull riding because his owner was nervous that he would kill someone.  I learn, from the black and white photos, that everybody in this sport wears cowboy hats and if someone is not wearing a cowboy hat it is because they are wearing a hockey mask to prevent their face from getting smashed in like a porcelain tea kettle under a sledgehammer.

And suddenly I glance down at the page and there it is, the little black diamond that means I have reached the end of the article.

I HAVE DONE IT.  I thought it would feel more fulfilling but there is not a lot to do after you finish an article—you can either go on to read the next one or get up and eat more peanut butter cups and check Facebook again.  I flip around in the magazine for a few seconds, vaguely proud, but unsure of what to do with myself.

The apartment is fairly quiet.  I bite my lip, waiting to be presented with a trophy engraved with the words, “First Place: New Yorker Article Finishing,” but Jonathan and the baby are in the nursery playing and, as if often the case, no one else is around.

Mall Santas are a weird tradition.  You take your child to a bathhouse of consumerism, wait in a colorful line full of uptight angry people and then pay money so that your son or daughter can sit on Santa’s Lap the lap of an elderly, bearded stranger and (probably) cry.

I have never been able to get used to this.  Not that I have anything against portly men with beards– some of them are great.  Actually, lots of them are great.  I sort of wish we had the option to let our kids sit in the laps of other bearded guys, but none of them are sitting around in malls surrounded by people in elf costumes.  If they were, however, here are some of the other laps I’d consider for my kid.

George R.R. Martin’s Lap

Are there any parents who wouldn’t let their children sit on George R.R. Martin’s lap?

Ok, yes.  Yes there are.  Maybe this was a bad place to start.  I’m sure at least one parent is going, “No, that’s weird.”  And yes, having your kid sit on George RR Martin’s lap is a little weird, but at least you know who he is, which is more than you can say for this guy in the velvet pants at this mall in Paramus. At least in the case of Martin you can have your child practice saying the phrase, “Hey, when is the next book going to come out?”

Jeff Bridges’ Lap (circa The Giver, Crazy Heart, True Grit, RIPD or The Big Lebowski)

Anyone else remember when Jeff Bridges was the guy from Starman?  Yes?  Well enjoy being one of three people on the planet who remembers “Exposed Facial Skin” Jeff Bridges because since 2006 or so (when his face suddenly got really cold) that guy became a distant memory.  Jeff Bridges now only accepts roles in which his face looks like a medium-sized terrier.  But the question, once again, is would you let your child sit on Jeff Bridges’ lap?

Of COURSE you would.  It’s Jeff Bridges!  And then when Jeff Bridges is like, “Ok, what would you like this year for Christmas?” your child can say, “I’d like Jeff Bridges’ autograph!”  And Jeff Bridges will go, “Have you been good all year?” and your kid will go “Yep,” (even if it’s not true) and Jeff Bridges will give your kid a brand new, autographed iPod!  And when your child awkwardly goes, “Mom, Dad, some of the other kids in school said there’s no such thing as Jeff Bridges,” you can sit that kid right down to watch The Fisher King fourteen times.

Ian McKellan’s Lap (in full Gandalf Costume)

I don’t know why this isn’t an actual option, since I know plenty of parents who would probably KILL to have their child’s photo taken on Gandalf’s lap.  Honestly, even just typing this sort of makes me wish this were a real option.  Is there a mall somewhere that would do this?

Willie Nelson’s Lap

Even writing out the option for my child to sit on Willie Nelson’s lap required the all-too-well-known Google search, “Willie Nelson Alive?” which informed me that contrary to a hoax earlier this year, this guy is still kicking.  Also since writing the above I saw him on the finale of the Colbert report standing next to Bryan Cranston and Doris Kearns Goodwin, so clearly this guy is up for doing stuff.

Zach Galifianakis’ Lap

The perfect option for boys who think they’re too old for sitting on Santa’s Lap, although honestly maybe a better option might be if Zach Galifinakis just dressed up as Santa in a mall somewhere (sitting, obviously, between two ferns) and wreaked havoc with everyone’s attempt to have a normal Christmas.  Parents can place their children on his lap and Zach Galifinakis can go, “What do you want for Christmas, boys and girls?” and then regardless of what they answer he can hand out undissected owl pellets, or popcorn balls held together with earwax, or possibly, his own scabs.

Hagrid’s Lap

For those children who love magic but aren’t quite ready for Gandalf, why not a mall where you can sit on Hagrid’s lap?  He can ask what they want for Christmas in that super-endearing Hagrid voice and then accidentally blurt out what they’re actually getting, followed by the phrase, “I shouldnt’a said that,” which will make your child squeal with delight.  Hagrid can give your child a gift from a velvet sack filled with dragon’s eggs and spiders or possibly his gift to your child can be his saying the phrase, “You’re a wizard, Harry,”  but subbing in your child’s first name in lieu of the word “Harry,” i.e. “You’re a wizard, Caitlin,” “You’re a wizard, Dennis,” “You’re a wizard, Brian.”  Magical fun for the whole family.

Tom Hanks’ Lap (Circa Cast Away)

The perfect choice for the overly materialistic child, bring your young one in to sit on Tom Hanks’ lap while Hanks is dressed as his beard-sporting, loincloth-wearing character in Cast Away.  Your child will rattle off a list of things he or she wants only to have Hanks exclaim, “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ALL THESE MATERIAL THINGS CAN BE TAKEN FROM YOU IN A SECOND?  ALL THESE THINGS YOU THINK ARE SO IMPORTANT CAN DISAPPEAR AND YOU’LL BE FORCED TO CONFRONT WHAT’S REALLY MEANINGFUL.  LIFE AND THE COMPANIONSHIP OF OTHERS IS A PRECIOUS GIFT THAT SHOULD NEVER BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED.  PLEASE DO NOT SQUANDER YOUR TIME ON THIS EARTH.  He then quietly reaches into his sack and hands your child a FedEx package containing a volleyball.

Etsy seller Geeky U1 makes smart American Apparel pencil-skirts screened with bold..(Read...)

Let the force of the Galactic Empire be with you as it lights up your walls. It’s available..(Read...)

*This article represents my own personal opinion and choice not to allow sleepovers.  We all have differing opinions and make different choices when it comes to our kids.  Bottom line: we’re all doing our best.  Respectful, courteous, and constructive comments are welcome.

Last week, I saw my little boy’s life flash before my eyes and it shook me to the core. We were coming back from the pool and I had stopped to talk to a neighbor. He was on his little bike, waiting patiently for me 30 feet ahead at the corner. A three-year-old’s patience only extends so far, and everything that happened next, happened in an instant.  I was too far away to stop it. I saw the truck speeding, I saw my little boy, inching forward, pedals in motion.

I can only thank some angel that day for diverting what could have been any parent’s absolute worst nightmare from coming true.  Little buddy pedaled across the street only a split second before the truck sped through the stop sign. I felt despicable.  Rotten.  And that night, as I watched him sleeping serenely in his bed, tears poured down my cheeks and I vowed to him and God above that I would keep him safe, no matter what it took.

Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents

We make our children wear bicycle helmets and life jackets to protect them, but as they grow up, how do we safeguard them from more abstract dangers, like child pornography, sexual abuse, and cyber bullying?

As an eleven year old, my parents sat me down with a very serious look in their eyes. A little girl we knew very well had been molested at a sleepover by someone she knew very well. For that reason, my mother and father announced that our family would not be doing sleepovers. Never—nada, zip, zilch. To a tween amidst a competitive popularity contest, the world had officially ended. Suddenly, my parents were Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents. How could they ruin me like that?

The battles we fought over the no sleepover rule were hard and long. I felt they were being prudish and paranoid. Nothing like that would ever happen to me. They claimed they did it because they “loved me so much.” To me, they were just Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents.

The party that changed everything

It was the beginning of 7^th grade and the coolest girl in school was throwing a back-to-school slumber party. Everyone who was anyone would be there. I begged, I pleaded, and my parents consented to let me go, but they would pick me up at 10:00pm. “But the party won’t be over!” I cried. “Nothing’s going to happen.  I can take care of myself.  I will look so dumb being the first one that has to go!”

Their answer remained firm: ten o’clock, take it or leave it.

The party was definitely cool, by middle-school standards.  There were boys there, cute ones. Brandy’s mom left and with a wink, told us all to “behave.” By 9:45, everyone was playing spin the bottle, and Brandy had brought out her mom’s liquor bottles. I felt so uncomfortable and everything inside of me screamed, get out of here!

I was never so relieved to see my parents’ headlights pull up to the drive.  I waved goodbye to my friends and sprinted out the door.  I’d never admit it, but I was kind of grateful for the no-sleepover rule and my Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents.

Sleepovers gone wrong

You only have to open a newspaper to read the horrible things that can happen at sleepovers. Last year, a Nephi, Utah teacher was charged, but found innocent, of molesting an 11-year-old former student who was sleeping over at his house as his daughter’s friend. The girl claimed he gave her a strange pill for a headache and she woke up in the night to find him touching her inappropriately.

In one instance, a Sacramento husband, father, and elementary school teacher was found guilty of committing lewd acts against children while photographing his crimes. The victims were friends of his daughter who were sleeping over at his house. He slipped drugs into their drinks and took advantage of them without them knowing. The community was shocked—coming from someone they trusted and admired.

Child pornography is very real. It is out there, and with so many social media avenues to exploit them, children are more vulnerable then ever.

In 2012, the community of Star City, West Virginia reeled from the horrifying revelation that two 16-year-old girls had lured their best friend to a remote location and stabbed her to death.  As detailed in the book Pretty Little Killers, this gruesome event was preceded by a sleepover in one of the girl’s homes.  After the mother fell asleep, the girls pulled out a bottle of vodka and started drinking.  From there, things went horribly awry when the girls started undressing, snapping photos of each other, and kissing.  A fight occurred and after the sleepover, events escalated from bad, to worse, to murder.

The thing with sleepovers

These are obviously extreme examples of what can happen at sleepovers, but there are other things like cyber bullying, inappropriate movies , video games, jokes, or behavior that you wouldn’t normally allow in your house. When kids are away from their parents, they are more likely to experiment with drugs, alcohol, sex, and plain old mischief.

The long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse are hard to shake. Depression, self-loathing, and feelings of guilt haunt victims well into their adulthood. Kids who have had such encounters don’t understand what happened to them. They keep silent; they think it is their fault.

I never knew how terrifying being a parent was, until I became one. Instead of thoroughly enjoying an amusement park, I think of a million ways my child can get lost in one. Every parking lot causes me anxiety.  Every stranger eying my child strangly gives me the chills.  It only takes once—one distraction, one time of negligence, or rationalization that, “just this one sleepover is okay.” It just takes one person that we “trust” to change things forever.

Fun alternatives to sleepovers

There’s no denying sleepovers are a fun part of childhood and adolescence. Late night giggling, stories, and harmless pranks are what make sleeping over so much fun. Chances are, most sleepovers are innocent, but I’m not taking my chances on the one that’s not. Here are a few alternatives that encorporate all the fun of a sleep over, without the sleeping.  {Who remembers the sleeping part anyway?}

• Late night play dates: Just like a regular play date with friends, on this supervised play date, friends come in their jammies, bring junk food, games, and watch movies. Parents pick everyone up around 10:00 or a designated time.
• Late-overs- Let older kids have their fun, supervised by an adult, then parents pick up at a designated time.
• Night games- Being out after dark is totally cool and fun. Host a supervised night games party where older kids and teens play popular games like glow in the dark baseball, sardines (a version of hide-and-seek), ghost in the graveyard, etc.
• Breakfast bash: Friends come in their jammies, ready for a crepes, pancakes, or a yogurt bar.

******

For me, sleepovers just aren’t worth it.  Like that truck speeding toward my little boy when I was too far away to help, when my child sleeps over at another’s house, I lose control of the situation and of their safety.  I literally put their life into someone else’s hands.  That is a chance I’m not willing to take.  Never—nada, zip, zilch.

That speeding truck was a wake up call that I have a profound, intrinsic, larger-than-life responsibility to keep my children safe, in all aspects.  I don’t mind being the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parent who says no to sleepovers.  I can be the mean mom if that keeps my kids safe.  One day, they’ll understand.

I got an e-mail the other day with a link to an article promising “7 Cool Gadgets for the Baby’s Nursery.”  I get a ton of e-mails like that.  And I clicked it and checked out the slideshow and yes, as promised—they have tons of crazy new technology for babies.  There’s a weird, mod-looking nightlight and a glowing egg that tells you when your child’s room is the perfect temperature, and a vibrating mattress pad to help them sleep.  Great.  Thanks a lot.  Very useful.  That being said, here are seven more gadgets hitting the market* that I am way, way, way more likely to buy.

1.  Child Catapult (ages 1-9 years):

Need to discipline your child?  Two words: child catapult.  And before anyone goes, “Oh my god, that’s so cruel, how could you fling your child over the fence in a catapult?”  GET A LIFE, THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS.  You can’t discipline a child by threatening to put them in a catapult because children will be totally obsessed with the idea of being flung around in a catapult.  What you do is you tell them, “Hey, unless you eat your broccoli/clean your room/do your homework, I’m NOT going to fling you across the yard in the child catapult,” and just sit back as your child willingly complies with even the most far-fetched of your demands.

*          *          *

2.  Pottery Barn Electra-shelves (available in white or mahogany stain):

Tired of reading your child between 30-40 books before she goes to sleep?  Pick up one of these (totally cute) electrified bookshelves.   Set the dial to whatever number of books you can deal with reading, and if your child begs or reaches for any book beyond that number, the shelves will release a (pediatrician-approved) electric shock.  Say goodbye to 90-minute-sessions of reading Goodnight Goodnight Construction Site when all you really want to do is put him to bed so you can eat a jar of Nutella and compulsively check your e-mail.

*          *          *

3.  The texting crib:

Why buy an outdated baby monitor when our phones already send us alerts for everything?  “There’s a flood watch nearby from 9-11PM.” “Lauren Bacall passed away. “ “Volcano Alert for the Tri-State Area.”  Wouldn’t it be nice to get a message about the thing you’re most concerned about in the entire world?  Introducing a camera that watches the kid more closely than a maximum security prison and sends a text message to your phone every seven seconds assuring you that you should chill out because he’s totally fine.

*          *          *

4. Brain Adventures DVD playset and crib bumper:

This one is going to be super popular with all those parents who have big dreams for their little ones.  Brain Adventures DVD playset and Crib Bumper™ is a crib bumper with a built-in projector that plays all the educational videos from the Khan Academy website and will quickly and easily teach your three-month-old baby Art History, Economics and the basics of Mandarin.   Also, your child doesn’t even really need to watch the videos– they learn from osmosis just by touching the bumper with their exposed skin.*

*THIS IS ALL TOTALLY TRUE AND SO FAR EVERY CHILD WHO HAS USED THIS BUMPER HAS BEEN ACCEPTED TO THEIR (READ: YOUR) DREAM SCHOOL WITHOUT HAVING TO APPLY EARLY ADMISSION.  IT WILL PUT KNOWLEDGE  DIRECTLY INTO YOUR CHILD’S HEAD AND YOU LITERALLY DO NOT EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING, AND WHEN YOUR CHILD GRADUATES AT THE TOP OF HIS/HER CLASS YOU WILL FINALLY FEEL THAT SENSE OF VALIDATION THAT HAS ALWAYS ELUDED YOU.

*            *           *

 5. “I’m Right Here, Sweetie!”

Simple but practical, “I’m right here, sweetie!” is a life-sized cardboard cutout of you, standing next to the crib that plays a recording that says, “I’m standing right here in the room with you sweetie!  Go to sleep!”  Can also be brought to the daycare or kindergarten classrooms of children reluctant to have you leave their side.

 *          *          *

 6. Robot Nanny.

Designed to look like Rosie from The Jetsons, but performs all the tasks of a nanny instead of a housekeeper.**  Sold only in Brookstone, Sharper Image and through mail order via the Sky Mall catalog.  Speaks French with funny robot accent.  Your kids will love it!

**Not all models are equipped to perform “breastfeeding” function.  See website for additional information.

 *        *        *

7. Rocking chair that says over 30 motivational phrases.

Tired of those endless hours rocking back and forth in the middle of the night, trying to sooth your baby while no one’s around to soothe you?  It’s 2AM and you’re overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and panic– you need soothing just as much as that baby does.  Enjoy this handcrafted cedar rocking chair that will help rock your child back to sleep while also whispering the following phrases directly into your ear:

• “Hang in there!”

• “It’s ok to cry!” (Dispenses real tissues from armrest!)

• “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you smell fine.”

• “No really, I’m smelling you right now and you smell great.”

• “You’re a good mother and you’re doing a great job, regardless of what that woman in the Starbucks said.”

• “No one will think you’re creepy for “liking” their Facebook photos at 3AM from your phone.”

• “I know it seems like it would help, but gluing the pacifier to her face is a bad idea.”

•  “I promise this part will not last forever.”

*               *               *

If you enjoyed this post, consider signing up in the sidebar to be e-mailed when new posts go up.  Or you can follow The Ugly Volvo on Facebook.  Or Twitter.  Or you can swear off the internet because we all know how well that works.  *sigh*

*By “hitting the market” I meant “totally made up.”

The post 7 Gadgets No Nursery Should Be Without appeared first on The Ugly Volvo.

What if Michael Bay Directed "UP"?..(Read...)

Marvel Studios has revealed the final pieces for their Avengers: Age of Ultron poster – The..(Read...)

This is the raptor bicycle (technically a tricycle) built by Norwegian artist Markus Moestue. Cool..(Read...)

A living human brain. This photo caught my eyes!The photo was taken Robert Ludlow—of the..(Read...)

R2-D2 Ladies' Yoga Pants from Thinkgeek,  features R2 details down one leg. It is $40...(Read...)

This is a map of most common cause of death by U.S. state that keeps getting covered up. Created by..(Read...)

In Frank Herbert's sci-fi series Dune, Arrakis is a desert planet. Remember the great moment in the..(Read...)

Since launching in August 2013, we’ve seen tremendous growth and have had the pleasure of hearing so many amazing accounts from women as they learn more about their reproductive health. In a mere ten months, Glow has already aided more than 20,000 pregnancies, and now, we’ve designed an app that will allow a woman to take full control of her pregnancy.

Today, we are thrilled to announce Glow’s long-awaited pregnancy app, Glow Nurture. It’s been our number one request from the moment that our first mom conceived using Glow, and we can’t wait to share it with you. It’s available today for free in the Apple App Store.  

Uniquely Glow, Uniquely You

Built around a crafted experience - just like the Glow app - it will leverage data science and be about your pregnancy, fully customized to you.

Partner Support

With Glow Nurture’s partner app, the most important people in your life can continue to play a pivotal role during this miraculous time.

A Sense of Belonging

With Glow, we know the vibrant in-app community has become a place to connect, share, and find support. We’re excited to say that with Glow Nurture, you can seamlessly transition with your circle. You won’t lose touch with the women who were there for you every step of your fertility journey.

The Next Nine Months for Glow

Glow Nurture will soon be adding support for the “next nine months” - features specifically designed for after you give birth.  The postpartum period is an often neglected part of a woman’s reproductive journey, and women should have more insight, support, and access to resources if needed. While you take care of your newborn, Glow Nurture will care for you.

A Bright Future

And we are just getting started. In the coming weeks and months, Glow Nurture will become the most comprehensive pregnancy app available. From features such as a kick-counter to medication logs to checklists…and a few more that we hope will surprise and delight, along with supporting our ultimate goal of ensuring that women worldwide have the resources they need to keep themselves and their babies healthy.

We are certain that together, we are going to create more miracles - we can’t wait to hear what you think.

- Your friends at Glow

A compact hammock for your feet that hangs under your desk and raises or lowers to put you in a..(Read...)

"Digital painted Creatures and stuff based on my own childhood drawings. I designed these..(Read...)

I hope everyone had a lovely Fourth of July, whether you did it in a big national holiday way or not.

Despite a crushing deadline, I took the time to head downtown with Oot to watch the fireworks this year. We ate fair food, listened to music, and I bought him one of those cheap plastic toys someone’s always selling at events like these. It cost me $10, but I thought that was worth it to see a bit of joy on my child’s face.

I clearly wasted my money.

Pretty much as soon as I bought this thing, I realized my ten dollars would have been much better spent if I’d given it to Worldbuilders. Ten bucks can change someone’s life forever if you spend it in the right way….

That said, let’s be honest here: Everyone likes making the world a better place, but sometimes it’s nice to get something cool for your ten bucks, too.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could buy something cool AND make the world a better place?

Yeah. I think so too, which is why we’re trying something a little experimental this year with Worldbuilders. We’re firing up an IndieGoGo Fundraiser that’s only going to last a week. You can come in, buy something fun, then sleep well at night, content in the knowledge that the money is going to a good cause.

We’re doing this with IndieGoGo because, unlike kickstarter, they allow non-profits to do fundraising.

Also, unlike kickstarter, they allow you to buy things at more than one pledge level. And I’m thinking a fair number of you are going to be tempted into multiple purchases.

What do we have? Well I’m glad you asked….

• Princess and Mr. Whiffle Coloring Book

Nate Taylor did special doodles on the inside of all of the lettered editions of the second Princess and Mr. Whiffle book.  Nate really went above and beyond for them, doing full page inked illustrations, where a lesser man might have been content with just doing a little sketch.

When I saw the art, I loved it and wanted to share it around. When someone in the office suggested we compile them into a coloring book, we jumped on the idea.

You can see more of the art over here.

• Princess and Mr. Whiffle T-shirt.

Yeah. You want it.

• Ultra Fair-Trade Artisan Roasted Coffee.

These guys actually travel to Kenya and Mexico to harvest their own coffee, literally picking them bean by bean with the farmers in the area. Then they bring it back to the Stevens Point area and roast it. Seriously.

They’ve given us our own special blend of coffee to sell off: Tinker’s Blend. You can grab some with or without a matching Worldbuilders Mug.

• Mystery Book Bundles.

There are two different book bundles – one that collects books from each of the Prime Book Bundles we sold back in November, and one comprised entirely of new books.

• Exclusive a poster from Shane Tyree.

This is one of the pieces of art Shane made for the Modegan Pairs deck in our most recent kickstarter. It shows the Grey Riders. They haven’t shown up in the books. Yet.

This poster is going to be signed by both Shane and myself. And we’re only going to be selling them here through this fundraiser.

So if you want one, you better grab it now….

• The 2015 Calendar.

This year, we’re putting out a calendar full of Karen Hallion’s mash-up art. We’re still designing some of it, but this can be your official pre-order and chance to check it out. Once the calendar is fully finished and polished, we’re going to ship them out right away, so you’ll have them in time for the holidays.

It’s a 14-month calendar, including a bunch of the favorite princess and police box mashups, and a newly designed Kingkiller mashup. That’s one we’re not showing anyone for a good long while, so the best way to be sure you’ll have it early is to pre-order the calendar.

• And much, much more!

For the first time ever, this sentence isn’t just BS marketing. We actually have a ton of other stuff over in the IndieGoGo. Too much stuff to show here without making this blog irrationally long.

You can head over there right now if you want…

One snag: one of the reasons we decided to go with IndieGoGo is that they accept PayPal, which was a concern for some folks that don’t have credit cards. The other reason, as I mentioned above, is that they allow non-profits to run campaigns.

What makes this even better, is that IndieGoGo gives us a big discount on the fees they normally charge for a project because we’re a non-profit.

But here’s the downside. Because we’re taking advantage of that discount, it turns out we can’t use PayPal after all. The two just don’t work together.

I know for some people outside of the US, credit cards aren’t an option, or they’re just unduly complicated. For those people, who absolutely can’t particpate unless we have PayPal, please feel free to email us at fundraiser [@] worldbuilders.org and we’ll work something out so you can buy what you want using paypal instead. Just tell us what item you’d want, and we’ll do our best.

If you want to check out all of the other things we’re selling (because there’s lots of it), head over and check it out. Our promo video is worth the watch, if nothing else.

There will also be a lot of opportunities to ask us questions on Reddit on Wednesday night. A few folks from the Worldbuilders Team and I will be there, doing an AMA starting around 6pm. We might even be joined by some of the cool geeky celebs that have kicked things into the campaign…

Thanks for being awesome everyone,

pat

As always, thanks for using my Amazon Affiliate links (US, UK, Canada).

This awesome video comes to us from Russia, and it features famous hollywood characters like making..(Read...)

I love the site Garfield Minus Garfield.

If you don’t know the site Garfield minus Garfield  it’s a website run by a guy named Dan Walsh who takes Garfield comic strips and digitally erases Garfield from them.   The reason I love Garfield minus Garfield is that when you erase Garfield from the Garfield comic strip, what you get is three panels of Jon Arbuckle interacting with nothing, looking like a complete lunatic.

That being said, I’ve taken a good long look at my own schedule, and if you were to erase all evidence of my having a baby, nothing I do makes any sense either.

 1.

If this panel were more true to life I would’ve drawn nine additional people on the sidewalk, all of whom give me weird looks every time I lose my shit over seeing a bus.

 2.

You’re not going to believe this but I WAS BEHIND MY HANDS THE ENTIRE TIME!

3.

 Step 1.  Cut up banana.

 Step 2.  DECLARE BANANAS TO BE DELICIOUS OH MY GOD BANANAS ARE SO DELICIOUS YUM YUM YUM BANANAS!!!!!!!!

 Step 3.  Discard bananas.

4.

OMG WATER

5.

 SERIOUSLY, SOMETIMES I JUST NEED IT TO STOP.

6.

It must look like I’m always watching an invisible play that I really, really love.

And finally…

7.

Hope you enjoyed that play-by-play of a bowel movement I just narrated.  I’m not giving away whose poop it was so feel free to let your imagination run wild.

*               *               *

If you enjoyed this post, sign up in the sidebar to follow the blog, or like The Ugly Volvo on Facebook and be privy to a steady stream of fairly non-offensive baby-related material!  Or follow me on Twitter so that you can wonder why I don’t use my twitter account more often.  (I really do mean to, I just always forget it’s there!)  

And if you’ve never read it, go spend some time checking out Garfield Minus Garfield, which is also wonderful.  If you’ve never checked out the original Garfield comic strip, I will assume you are a baby goat living in a cave in the Himalayas.  How cool for you that you have internet access somehow!

Philips Monitors has created a two-in-one computer display that puts a new angle on multitasking...(Read...)

Elders React To Google Glass..(Read...)