Daniel Whitehill

The first new case of Zika, the mosquito-born virus that shrinks babies’ brains, was just reported in the U.S. It was transmitted, health officials say, through sex.

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On this day, February 2, in the year 2014, newly minted New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dropped a groundhog from his formidable six-foot six-inch stance. A week later, that very same groundhog was found dead. The Staten Island Zoo claims the two events were unrelated —whether you believe them, is a different matter entirely.

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The “In-N-Out Urge” bumper sticker!

When I was a little kid I used to see “In-N-Out Urge” bumper stickers everywhere and back then, my brain hadn’t begun to transform into the mound of gutter sludge it is today, so I didn’t put two and two together. Back in the 70s and early 80s, people blacked out the “B” and the “R” on an In-N-Out Burger bumper sticker so it’d read “In-N-Out Urge.” I haven’t seen those bumper stickers in a while, but I saw one a couple of weeks ago or so. Since my brain has fully developed into a wet pile of dirt, worn-out dildos and leaky used condoms, I immediately thought to myself, “That’s about fucking!” So I went on the Internet to find one, and found articles about the history of the “In-N-Out Urge” bumper sticker. I never knew the history of it and I should’ve! Reading about it made me want to enlighten myself more by enrolling in the course “In-N-Out History” on Harvard online. (They offer that course, right?)

A poster on the site Roadfood says that the Snyders, who solely own the West Coast holy palace of burger deliciousness, clutched their bibles over sucio whores turning their bumper stickers into a nasty declaration of horniness. They didn’t like it and so they put a stop to it.

In the early 1970s, the then latest In N Out Burger bumper sticker became a controversial item when folks edited it, cutting out the b and the r. It got so out of hand that the family owned business, a conservative Christian family known for including scriptures references on their cups and fries container eliminated burger from its name and became just In n Out.

I don’t know if the last part is totally true. In-N-Out still uses “Burger” in their name and they still sell stuff with “In-N-Out Burger” on it. Maybe they only took the “Burger” out of their bumper stickers or stopped selling bumper stickers altogether. I don’t know, but I do know that now I want to search eBay for as many vintage In-N-Out bumper stickers I can find so that I can black out the “B” and “R” and cover my car with them. It’s a beautiful double entendre that lets everyone know that you’ve always got the urge for a Double Double and you’ve also got the urge to fuck and sometimes, you’ve got the urge to do both at the same time. “In-N-Out Urge” is the original “Netflix and Chill.”

And since we’re on the subject of In-N-Out classiness from the 70s, I’ll leave you with this work of perfection:

It’s showtime. The Iowa Caucus is today and Iowans from all 99 counties are making their voices heard. But the Garbage Pail Kids special Iowa Caucus edition has the candidates as you’ve never seen them before.

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Just when you thought Ted Cruz’s blinding asininity had reached its peak, the Republican presidential candidate achieved the unthinkable by becoming even more unlikeable.

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On January 28, 1986, America watched on television as the space shuttle Challenger—carrying six astronauts and one schoolteacher—disappeared in a twisting cloud of smoke, nine miles above the launch pad it had just left. To a stunned nation, it appeared that seven lives had instantly been lost.

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Banana, the kinkajou who broke into a Florida memaw’s house in Miami and took a nap on her chest.

The only things I wake up to are a hangover and my dog drooling on my arm while farting into my side. But in Florida, they always have to do it up Florida-style by waking up to cat monkeys of the rainforest. CBS Miami says that early Tuesday morning, a 99-year-old lady woke up to find a Banana on her chest and no, that’s not a sexy euphemism. Banana’s the name of the kinkajou who somehow made his way into a lady’s home and curled up onto her sleeping body. That sounds like the start of the weirdest Golden Girls episode ever…

If any of us woke up with a kinkajou (also known as a honey bear) on our chest, we’d probably wonder how much of the sweet nectar did we drink at the bar the night before and has it really gotten to the point that we’ll take ANY trick home? But the lady jumped up and screamed, which made Banana (seen above doing the “Draw me like one of your French girls” pose) go into the attic. Grandma is probably all for sharing her bed with a kinky Jew, but not a kinkajou. She called her daughter and a friend at 2am. They came over, found Banana in the attic and watched YouTube videos to get tips on how to lure him out. They lured Banana out of the attic with cherries and got him into a cage. They took Banana to the South Dade Avian & Exotic Animal Medical Center. The vet there, Dr. Don Harris, quickly figured out that the honey bear was someone’s pet. But Dr. Don is shaking his head at Banana’s owner, because he says that kinkajous, who are distant cousins of raccoons and come from Central and South America, probably shouldn’t be anybody’s pet:

“They’re not predators, they’re very peaceful animals, they’re arboreal, they live in the treetops, they live in the branches. They eat fruit and bugs and things like that, they’re pretty docile creatures, unless cornered, and then their teeth are their defense mechanisms.

Someone who was bitten by an animal like this that didn’t get proper medical care could lose a limb.

Some people keep them as pets, but I don’t know really how often they make really good pets. It’s not the kind of animal that you can safely cuddle up with. They’re very interesting, they’re very rare.”

Banana’s human eventually picked his ass up.

Banana needs to watch whose house he breaks into and cuddles up with in the middle of the night. That woman is 99 years old and she probably thought Banana was a weird-looking Grim Reaper coming to take her away. Banana isn’t right for that. But Banana don’t care. Look at Banana. Banana looks as relaxed as me after a Calgon bath and a joint.

In what some Planned Parenthood detractors will surely decry as a
miscarriage of justice, a grand jury charged with investigating whether the group sold fetal tissue has instead opted to indict the people who filmed the undercover videos that launched the investigation in the first place.

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Over the weekend, three female comedians accused Amy Schumer of stealing jokes for material ranging from her television show to her standup special Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo, and even her hit movie, Trainwreck. It began when Wendy Liebman wrote in a now-deleted tweet, “Between Amy Schumer doing 1 of my best jokes on her HBO special and this meme of my joke, I’m done with social media.”

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Donald Trump would like to share a message from @WhiteGenocideTM with his nearly 6 million followers.

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On Making a Murderer, Steven Avery’s former fiancée, Jodi Stachowski, was portrayed as his rock (you also may remember her Ski-Doo jacket, her “Warning: Does Not Play Well With Others” T-shirt, and that time she left her purse on the bed). She conducted herself as devoted to Avery up until the point when her probation officer ordered her to move away from the Avery property and issued a “no contact” order (which she got in trouble for violating at least once).

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Here’s the set-up for a deeply fascinating bit of reality television: Tiffany “New York” Pollard of VH1 fame is on Celebrity Brother in the United Kingdom, along with Angela Bowie—ex-wife of the late David Bowie—and David Gest—ex-husband of Liza Minelli.

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