Kate

When KaTarra Taylor adopted Bentley, he’d already lived in four other homes. His anxiety and medical issues were too much for most people to handle, but Taylor knew he deserved a chance at a happy forever home, and refused to give up on him. 

Together, Taylor and Bentley were able to work through a lot of his anxiety issues, and even though he still struggles, he’s getting better every day, and his mom wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world. 

Credit: KaTarra Taylor

“He's half sweet doofus and half cranky grandpa,” Taylor told The Dodo. 

When she first adopted Bentley, Taylor lived in a one-bedroom apartment. She knew that wasn’t going to be enough space for the 120-pound dog long-term — so she decided to upgrade. 

Credit: KaTarra Taylor

“I ended up buying a townhouse so we could stay together,” Taylor said. “It had an enclosed patio that I knew he would like. I couldn't afford a house with a yard, but I thought I could turn the patio into a small yard with the right help.”

Credit: KaTarra Taylor

Bentley always loved hanging out in the grass whenever he and his mom would go for walks or to the park, and his mom desperately wanted him to have some grass of his own that he could hang out on whenever he wanted. The task seemed daunting at first, but after enlisting the help of her boyfriend, they finally got to work transforming the patio into the perfect space for Bentley. 

“I finally decided it was time to get this done last week,” Taylor said. “My boyfriend Nick was able to get it all done in one day for under $400.” 

Credit: KaTarra Taylor

After several hours of work, the yard was finally complete … 

Credit: KaTarra Taylor

… and Taylor couldn’t wait to show Bentley, and really hoped he would like it as much as she wanted him to. 

Credit: KaTarra Taylor

Taylor brought Bentley outside, and as soon as he saw his new grassy yard, Taylor knew she had made the right call and that all of the work had been worth it. 

Credit: KaTarra Taylor

“Bentley immediately laid down and just stayed there for several hours,” Taylor said. “He seems so happy with it.” 

Credit: KaTarra Taylor

Now, Bentley loves lying out on his grass all the time, and it’s definitely become his new favorite napping spot. After everything he went through early on in his life, his mom is so happy that he finally has a backyard space to call his own — as well as the perfect forever home. 

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Buy Clotilde's latest book, The French Market Cookbook!

I love pound cakes, or quatre-quarts* in French. As a child, I went through a phase of eating Breton pound cake for breakfast day in, day out. I’m talking about supermarket pound cake, baked in long yellow logs and wrapped in soft paper. I liked it on the stale side, so I sliced it in advance, and let it age three to four days. I was an affineur of pound cake if you will.

I only recently discovered the beauty of homemade pound cake, and it has become one of my could-make-it-blindfolded cakes, in rotation with my French yogurt cake.

You know how pound cakes work, right ? You weigh the eggs, and add the same weight in sugar, melted butter, and flour. This means these ingredients each form a quarter of the batter, hence the French name, four-quarters. The English name comes from originally using a pound each of the ingredients, but that yields a pretty big cake. The French ratio allows for more flexibility.

Of course, it doesn’t tell you if you’re supposed to weigh the eggs with or without the shell, and how much baking powder to add. In truth, you can just relax about both. We’re not building a rocket ship; we’re baking a cake. Weigh the eggs with or without, add one or two teaspoons of baking powder, it will be fine. Channel your inner French grandma and do what feels right.

And it is a recipe that lends itself to variations with remarkable grace; my favorite kind of recipe for sure. Today I will share one of my favorite riffs: the buckwheat and chocolat pound cake.

I’ve been enjoying the buckwheat and chocolate pairing for years, by ordering a chocolate buckwheat crêpe for dessert at crêperies (Brittany again!). It is divine. Almost better than sugar-and-butter. Try and tell me what you think.

In this spirit, I make a pound cake with 100% buckwheat flour (this makes it gluten-free) and fold a generous amount of chocolate chips (or chopped chocolate) into the batter. The result is deeply flavorful, fluffy and moist, with chocolate in every bite, and a lovely crust dotted with sugar, my signature touch.

For the maths majors out there, let me confess two things: this becomes, in effect, a five-fifths (cinq-cinquièmes) rather that a four-fourths, just like my pistachio pound cake. And because I prefer my cakes not too sweet, I decrease the amount of sugar a little bit, which admittedly throws off the ratio, but who’s counting?

You will also notice that I give you the option of using coconut butter here, a magical ingredient I told you about here and here. In baking, it can replace regular butter, and here the coconut note is hardly noticeable against the buckwheat and chocolate.

It is a cake that is quick and simple to prepare, and because the formula is easy to memorize, it’s a great cake to bake on vacation with no cookbook and no Internet connection, to impress your friends as the baking fairy (or wizard) you really are. A skill that happens to be on my bucket list for cooks.

* I’ll let you get away with pronouncing this cat-car.

The post Chocolate Buckwheat Pound Cake Recipe appeared first on Chocolate & Zucchini.

Ikigai is a Japanese concept meaning “A Reason For Being”. More over on Wikipedia.

Some people look at Pyrex mixing bowls and see something retro, maybe the kind of thing their grandmothers cooked with. I look at my Pyrex mixing bowls and see the way that I cook.

Read more...

That’s what you love about these Indiana Jones movies, man. Harrison Ford gets older. International archaeological adventures stay the same age. While attending the Rakuten TV Empire Awards in London, Variety reports that Steven Spielberg announced plans to shoot the upcoming Indiana Jones sequel next year, with at least part of the filming set to take place in England. “It’s always worth the trip when I get to work with this deep bench of talent coming out of the UK,” the director said while accepting a Legend of Our Lifetime award.

“The actors, and the crew, the chippies, the sparks, the drivers — everybody who has helped me make my movies here, and will continue helping me make my movies here when I come back in April 2019 to make the fifth Indiana Jones movie right here.” IJ5 is currently scheduled for release on July 10, 2020. While the fifth franchise installment doesn’t have a title yet, its screenwriter David Koepp told Entertainment Weekly last fall that Shia LaBeouf’s character Mutt Williams will not be returning for the sequel. So, Indiana Jones and That Son We’re All Going To Forget I Have is at least in the running.

We’re all learning way too much about our coworkers and their homes on video calls — from the person who got a message saying her robe was too open, to the person who fell asleep on a call, to the person whose nude husband appeared in the background …IT’S ALL TOO MUCH INTIMACY AND WEIRDNESS.

Let’s hear in the comments about the most awkward/weird/amusing things you’ve seen on video calls.

let’s hear about awkward things you’ve seen on video calls was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

horrormovied:

lyrslair:

goldhornsandblackwool:

M E S S Y

“Just a by the by: “private” messages sent to individual people during a Zoom meeting show up in the end-of-meeting transcript along with all other public messages. Tell your friends, save a life.“

Honestly my partner has a lot of friends in the infosec community and they’ve all been lamenting the rise of Zoom because this is only ONE of very, very many reasons Zoom is an absolute security/privacy nightmare.

Zoom has a for bosses option to see if you aren’t paying attention called the “Attendee Attention Tracking” option

Zoom has sold people’s personal information to facebook even if you don’t have an account. A quick look though their terms of service shows this was never mentioned. They are being sued over it now. 

Zoom does not have End To End Encryption even though they advertise it as such, Zoom has personal access to every meeting and it’s servers are not at all secure in China (which Zoom admitted they should not be rooted to)

Also just a personal thing I’ve noticed. IT IS TOO EASY TO HIJACK A ZOOM MEETING. GUESSING A ZOOM ID IS WAY TOO EASY 

With so many people working from home with animal coworkers, it’s obviously crucial that we see photos of your new colleagues. When I put out a call for pictures last week, I received more than 450 of them … so I posted half earlier this week and here’s part two.

Click photos to enlarge. And if you’re reading this from the home page, you have to click through to see the photos.

Binge reccs!

I’ve been trapped inside my house with my adolescent sons for 20 days now, and things are starting to get... strange. Pants became optional by day five. By day ten the “hilarious” practical jokes began, like running into the bathroom while your brother is showering and pelting him with handfuls of spare change. On day…

Read more...

Men on the forefront of scientific discovery do not fear risking life and limb, be it drinking the vomit of a sick man or dosing themselves with LSD. One astrophysicist followed in their footsteps in the name of covid-19 health research and ended up with magnets up his nose, at risk of a horrifying and violent death.…

Read more...

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Rules of Civility, by Amor Towles. In 1930s New York, a typist gets drawn into the city’s social elite. An enjoyable distraction.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

weekend free-for-all – March 21-22, 2020 was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

The coronavirus has turned millions of office workers into remote employees overnight. Companies are sending workers home with laptops and a prayer that business will be able to continue as usual, but things can’t be business as usual. Employers will need to adjust their expectations of how much can truly get done in these circumstances.

I wrote a piece for Slate about how companies need to allow maximum flexibility right now. You can read it here.

Also … some readers have said they hope there won’t be a lot of virus-related content here and last week I was thinking it could be fairly limited. (I know many people want a place they can go to escape from it.) But at this point, it’s affecting everything work-related, I’m getting flooded with questions about how it’s changing everything from job searching to resigning, and I’ve got to tackle it. It’s not going to take over the whole site; there will still be plenty of non-virus stuff like coworkers who get sick after stealing your spicy food and colleagues who want you to call their boyfriend “master,” but I want to do what I can to help people navigate this crappy situation. So there will be virus stuff, but it’ll be a mix.

Stay safe and wash your hands! (I mangled mine in a blender last night and ended up in the ER after eight days of perfect social distancing. Watch out for immersion blenders.)

employers can’t expect business as usual right now was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

You're going to want to go to Lucy Liu's instagram RIGHT now.

It’s Leap Day on Saturday, and that means we must revisit this letter (and its update) about an employee born on Leap Day who isn’t allowed to have her birthday off except every four years.

Telling an employee born on Leap Day she can’t have her birthday off (the original)

One of the perks provided by my workplace is a paid day off on your birthday (or the day after if it falls on a weekend or holiday) provided by the firm and not taken from your own vacation days, and a gift card which works at several restaurants in our city. Once a month, a cake is also provided at lunch for everyone as an acknowledgement of everyone who has a birthday that month.

There is an employee on my team who was born in a leap year on February 29. Since she only has a birthday every four years, she does not get a day off or a gift card and is not one of the people the cake acknowledges. She has complained about this and is trying to push back so she is included.

The firm doesn’t single out or publicly name anyone that has a birthday. People take the day off and that is it, nothing is said. The gift card is quietly enclosed with their pay stub. The cake is put in the lunchroom without fanfare for anyone that wants some. There is no email or card that goes around and no celebrating at work. If there was I could see her point, but since everything is done quietly/privately, she is not losing out on anything. My manager feels her complaints are petty and she needs to be more professional. I agree with him.

She has only worked here for two years and was hired straight out of university. I want to tell her that she should be focusing on work issues and not something as small as a birthday. If she had a complaint about a work issue it would be different. How do I frame my discussion with her without making her feel bad or like she is trouble? Her work is good and I am sure the complaint is just borne of inexperience and I don’t want to penalize her for it.

What?! She doesn’t only have a birthday every four years — she has one every year like everyone else. (Surely you don’t believe that she only advances in age every four years, right?) She might need to celebrate her birthday on February 28 or March 1 in non-leap years, but it’s not true that she doesn’t have a birthday and it’s absolutely unfair and wrong for your office to give her fewer days off than other people because of this. She should get the day off, she should get the gift card, and she should be acknowledged with the other birthdays at the same time.

It makes no sense to demoralize someone over something so easily fixed, and it’s very odd that you and your manager are digging in your heels on this. It’s not about her being inexperienced or petty, and it’s alarming that you and your manager think that! This is about you and your manager not looking logically at what you’re doing (and, frankly, being petty yourselves). You two are wrong, she is right, and you should remedy this and apologize to her for mishandling it.

And the update (originally here):

I just wanted to give an update and to clarify a few things. I am the employee’s manager. For some reason some people in the comments thought I was a “coworker” or “team lead.” 

One person guessed I was not American. I don’t know why they were jumped all over but they were correct. I am Canadian. I live and work outside of North America.

Some people mentioned Jehovah’s Witnesses and not being allowed to celebrate birthdays and the legality of this in the comments. This is not relevant to the situation with my employee. Also, it is considered a cult here and is banned. No one who works here is a Jehovah’s Witness.

People seemed to be unclear on the policy even though I stated it. Employees must take their birthday off. This is mandatory and not voluntary. They are paid and don’t have use their own time off. If their birthday falls on a weekend or holiday, they get the first working day off. There is no changing the date. They must take their actual birthday or the first working day back (in case of a weekend or holiday). People love the policy and no one complains about the mandatory day off or the gift card.

She had worked here for 2 years. She did get her birthday off in 2016 as it was a leap year. She did not get a day off in 2017 as it is not a leap year and didn’t get this year either. If she is still employed here in 2020 she will get a Monday off as the 29th of February is on a Saturday. This is in line with the policy. Some of the comments were confused about whether she ever had a birthday off.

The firm is not doing anything illegal by the laws here. She would have no legal case at all and if she quit she will not be able to get unemployment. She is not job hunting. She has known about the birthday policy since February of 2016 and has been bringing it up ever since. She has complained but has not looked for another job (the market is niche and specialized). Morale is high at the firm. Turnover among employees is low. Many people want to work here. Aside from this one issue she is a good worker and would be given an excellent reference if she decides to look elsewhere in the future.

Alison here. I don’t usually add anything of my own on to updates, but I want to state for the record that this is insane.

the Leap Day employee finally gets her birthday off this year was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

Do you follow illustrator Julie Houts on Instagram? She made this amazing series to help everyone quell their anxiety for a moment. Take a deep breath and play along…

How great is that?… Read more

The post A Sixty-Second Way to Feel Good appeared first on A Cup of Jo.

Hello, readers, thanks for your emails, your support, and your questions in this time of global pandemic. How’s everybody doing? (Yes, I know the first iteration misspelled COVID as Corvid, I ravens and crows and have been doing it all week, what can I say).

Personal update: Mr. Awkward and I are both virus-free as far as we can tell (which is no guarantee), but we’re both high-risk people and we are keeping our asthmatic, seasonal-allergy-prone asses home except for one or two essential medical errands. We’re very lucky to be able to do so, and I’m sending so much solidarity and appreciation to people who do the essential jobs to keep everyone fed, housed, not drowning in piles of our own garbage, and receiving necessary medical treatment.

The pharmacy has been out of my ADHD med for almost a month and doesn’t know when they’ll get resupplied. I run out Friday, so, I do not anticipate regular intervals of focused productivity, but who knows what inspiration may come in the hyper-focus zone. Last week, I did what I could to help former colleagues make the sudden switch to online teaching (release the tutorial-kraken!) and I’m working on a piece for Vox (who are doing some very good explainers) about scripts for getting relatives to take this seriously that will go up within the next day or so. I’ll share a link here when it does.

My general plans are to keep writing my morning pages with the #ArtBuddies, pet cats, wash my hands, keep my writing schedule as much as I can, wash my hands, read a ton of books, wash my hands, check in with friends (especially my extroverts) regularly, wash my hands, bug my electeds a ton about getting our collective shit together and getting relief to *people* (not just *workers/employers*), wash my hands, and play many games of “I didn’t know we had this in our pantry, let’s put it on some rice!” in between hand-washings.

And, you know, try not to freak out entirely.

Would you like to look at cats? They almost never share the lap peacefully, so this was a rare pleasure.

Now for some questions! We’ll call them #1258 and #1259. 

#1258: How can I help friends and family whose livelihood is being affected by the pandemic?

Hi Captain!

I was hoping for advice on how to offer my aid (financial or emotional) in a kind and non-condescending way to friends or family who are not working right now because of COVID-19. These would be people who might need financial assistance to live because they typically live paycheck to paycheck but now they do not have a regular source of income. My husband and I are lucky to have remote jobs but I don’t want to come across like a patronizing privileged asshole. Thanks!

Hello! You are nice! 

Financially-speaking, I want you and your husband to think about your budget for helping and think about concrete offers you could make, like, “Would a $100 gift card for groceries help out right now, or do you want to text me a list and I’ll drop whatever on your porch when I go to the store? Would [store] or [store] work better for you?” or “Do you need help making rent, we could cover up to $X this month.” These aren’t necessarily the exact scripts for making offers, but I want you to be specific and realistic with yourselves about what you can and want to do, and think in terms of concrete offers you could make within your limits. 

A stressful thing about being offered (even highly welcome!) financial help is not knowing how much or what you are allowed to ask for – Is this the situation where all the theater and film kids and activists in Chicago have been passing the same $20-50 around since 2003, or are you somebody who can keep somebody’s lights on for a bit? Being able to gently reach out and say “We’re lucky to be able to work from home, we’ve set some money aside to help friends & family cover financial emergencies right now, anything from grocery gift cards or help with bills, please don’t hesitate” and also make clear “This is a gift, pay it forward when you’re on your feet, not back” will take the stress off everybody. It’s the same principle behind taking a friend who is struggling financially out for a meal and saying from the start, “I’d love to buy you lunch” or “Remember, this is all on me.” Knowing where your budget and boundaries and intentions are before you offer help removes the guesswork that leads to worry that leads to the person you’re trying to feed up ordering The Water and The Bread just in case you didn’t really mean it.

Emotionally-speaking, if you’re offering help, that’s also a good place to ask what people need (before helping) and also specify what kind of help you can offer and when. “Let me know if you need any help” puts the onus on the person who needs help to brainstorm stuff at the intersection of what they actually need vs. what you can actually do. If you say “I can do x and y, could you use help with any of that?” a person who needs different help they can always tell you, “No, but could you do ______?” and you can figure it out together. Some things I’ve seen:

• “Need me to do Skype story-time with the kids so you can take a shower and hear yourself think for an hour?”
• “Are there some bureaucratic phone calls I could make for you? Do you need help filing for temporary unemployment or filling out forms for rental assistance?”
• “Want to text me before and after your doctor appointment? You can tell me how it went and I can distract you.” 
• “I can do some free tech support for your grandparents if you want someone to teach them about webcams and Face-Time.” 

People are stretched thin and sensitive so this is a good time to refresh sympathy vs. advice vs. distraction best practices:

• “Do you want advice or are you venting?” 
• “Do you want to talk about it or do you want to Studiously Not Talk About It?” (Do you want commiseration or distraction?)
• “I’m happy to listen, but before I forget, is there something specific you’d like me to do?” 

People asking for emotional support can help remove guesswork by saying what they need even if the listening friend doesn’t ask: “If I want advice, I’ll ask, but right now I just need to think out loud.” “I’ve had a terrible day and I don’t want to talk about it, but I could use some distraction. Are you caught up on Better Call Saul yet?” Give us an idea of the threat level, if possible. “I am spiraling and I urgently need someone to talk me down *right now.*” Ok! Let me drop everything, or find you somebody who can. “I’d really love to hear your voice and see your face in the next couple of days, can we make a Skype date?” We can work with that! We’re in an emergency, and emergencies call for directness. If you ask somebody how they are, expect to hear the real answer. If you need something from somebody, help them give it to you.

One thing I’m personally noticing about long-distance emotional support: This is obviously a “my diamond shoes pinch” situation because I do have many kind people who want to check on me, and that is a lucky thing, but seeing a bunch of messages and texts and emails all at once that just say some version of “How are you?” is stressing me out, especially when it comes from people I don’t talk with very much under better/normal circumstances. Are we connecting or am I reporting back? Thanks for checking on me, I don’t have this number in my phone, can you remind me who it belongs to? It’s making me feel a little like when Mr. Awkward was in the hospital and I suddenly ran a 24-7 medical update and general chitchat line, fielding prayer offers from everybody he’d ever met who wanted to know how he was doing.

People love him a lot and this was mostly very good, and I do not regret sending 150+ “Thank you, I’ll tell him you were thinking about him” texts or generally handling this for him. (It’s how I could help.) Checking on friends & neighbors & relatives is a kind & good & necessary thing that I definitely don’t want to add a “you must get the wording right” pressure to (Please, 100% risk doing it imperfectly vs. not doing it!), but what might help me right now is people who want to get in touch out of the blue and/or people I don’t talk to very often sharing something about how they are doing as they check how I am, so we have an obvious thing to chat about and can work in the “how are you” exchange organically, like so:

• “We built a soap dispenser out of Lego today (photo). How are things with you?”
• “Please enjoy these costumes I put on the dog/the houseplants/the children (photo). How are things (d)evolving in Fort Awkward this week?”
• “Found this old photo of us getting ready to go to prom (photo). Can you still make your hair that big?” 
• “I’m feeling strangely calm (or is it dead inside?). Howabout you?”
• “I used to be jealous of people who worked from home. Never again. How do you do this all the time?” 
• Like I said, even “Hey, I’m really freaking out right now, can we chat on the phone for a little while?” helps me get in the right frame of mind, whereas if you start with “How are you?” and make us do the polite back and forth it just makes more anxiety for everyone. 

Again, this is personal to me, about a thing that is stressing me, specifically out, not a guide for what everyone should do in every case, but I offer it up in case it would help anybody else. Definitely feel free to adapt it for your online dating/flirting purposes by replacing boring “Hey”/”What’s up?” texts and IMs with sharing a thing [NOT AN UNSOLICITED IMAGE OF UR NAKED GENITALS, COME ON, KEEP IT CLASSY] and then asking a thing.

Now for the next question: 

#1259: “I’m an extrovert. Social Distancing is my nightmare.” 

Hi Captain Awkward & Co!

I’ve been avidly following your column for years, and it’s been very helpful to me, especially since I’m a serious extrovert who mostly swims in introverted waters (I work in tech, and my hobbies include gaming, crafting, etc – basically my entire social circle is introverted. It’s a balance, to keep friends without being obnoxious or annoying.)

The pandemic sweeping into the US is throwing me for a loop, though. For background, what I mean by “serious extrovert” is, my way of staying mentally stable and healthy is literally other people’s idea of hell: I go out in crowds by myself and talk to strangers. If I don’t do this regularly, like once or twice a month, I dive pretty badly. I get anxious, and withdrawn, and tired. I can’t focus. I sleep too much. Everything makes me irritable. My household has a code-phrase to gently throw me out of the house to go socialize until I’m myself again; it’s a little bit of a joke, at this point.

Clearly, that’s not going to work for the next few months. I worked from home this past week for ONE day; after 5 hours I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. I fully expect within the next week, my office is going to mandate remote work for everyone indefinitely. Which is the right thing to do! In theory, I approve of all these measures, they’re very important!

I have a two-fold question, though. For me, and other extroverts like me, do you have any ideas on how to stay sane? How can I fill that social need at least enough to get by for indeterminate amount of time? I have depression and generalized anxiety disorder*, enough that I have several minor anxiety attacks a week when things are going well. When they’re going badly, it’s a few a day and several panic attacks a week. I don’t want to backslide (I do have medication and a therapist) more than I have to to keep my community safe.

And on the other side, naturally all my social media feeds are filled with “Introverts! You’ve been waiting for this!!” ‘joke’ memes. I get the need to make fun of the scary time we’re in. I don’t resent any particular one. But the deluge of them is killing me; I feel completely othered, and like I can’t talk to a large portion of my circle about why I’m so anxious about this. (My partners are great, it’s everyone else that’s making me twitch.) Normally, I’d just shut off social media for a few days or a week, but I’m not seeing anybody either! Doing both feels impossible. Is there a solution I can’t see?

*If I get any “bUt EXtRovErTs DoN’t hAVe AnXiETy” comments, I’m going to cry. I have to fight that battle too much as it is. That’s not how GAD works.

 Thank you,

Social Butterfly (they/them)

Dear Social Butterfly: 

Hello, thank you for your timely question.

For people who need a social distancing explainer/review, this one is very good. See also: This graphic/explainer. For our purposes, I am going to assume that people know these four things:

• Social distancing is an incredible act of solidarity. Those of us who can stay home are saving lives by “flattening the curve,” i.e. slowing the spread of the virus to hopefully allow overwhelmed medical facilities and researchers time and resources to handle urgent cases and work on vaccines/treatments, respectively. If you think or know you are sick, stay home, and call your doctor/urgent care on the phone for instructions before you show up at a clinic. If you are not sick and you can stay home, then stay home except for absolutely necessary trips out. When you must go out, keep your distance from people and avoid crowds.
• Not everyone can stay home right now. Some people are saving lives in doctor’s offices and hospitals, keeping us fed, preventing us from being buried in piles of garbage, delivering our necessities, keeping the lights on and the toilets flushing. That’s before we even get to people who are going to work because they need to earn a living. We need to be really kind, thoughtful, and supportive of these folks, always. 
• Staying home (for those of us who can) for the next few weeks helps the people who cannot. The people who cannot do all the necessary work that helps us stay home. The more we can help people stay home (by canceling social events we’re hosting, with mutual aid, and by say, pressuring governments and employers to make it possible for people to afford food, rent, medicine, etc. and access necessary testing and care instead of going to work sick or at risk of infecting people because they need to pay bills), the more lives we’ll save. 
• The challenges many of us are suddenly dealing with are not new – Disabled people have been fighting to work at home, to have meds and other necessities delivered, to have telemedicine covered, and to have 1,000 other accommodations that go from “special treatment” to “the norm” as soon as “everyone” needs them. People with suppressed immune systems and other conditions that need isolation and effort and expense around keeping a sterile, clean home environment have had to make whole social and professional lives work from a safe distance. We can learn from them now, we must fight for and with them – and against ableist eugenics and fascism forever. When things go “back to normal” for able-bodied people, we can’t leave anyone behind.

I’m leaving comments on this post because I think our community could use the discussion and connection right now, but I need to be absolutely clear: This is not debate time. Nor is this “every possible detail of pandemic exploring time.” I’m not an epidemiologist or public health expert, and I’m translating what I’ve gleaned: Stay home, save lives. Get our vulnerable neighbors who cannot stay home fed, housed, and safe, save lives. Help the people who keep the world running save lives (by staying home if you can). If you can’t stay home, I believe you! Do what you need to do, you don’t have to explain. But optional socializing – even if it feels really important for an extroverted person like our lovely letter writer – is dangerous. If you can handle it, watch Italians make videos talking to the person they were 10 days ago. (If you don’t think you can handle it, practice good self-care and don’t. Maybe enjoy this Grandma instead?) 

Good talk, everyone! 

Now for the letter’s specifics.

Hello again! 

A thing I tell myself/every fellow diagnosable anxiety sufferer who writes me: Treat the anxiety to the extent you can. You have medication and a therapist, that’s awesome. Do your providers do telemedicine and is it covered by your insurance? Find out. Do you have therapy homework/workbooks/exercises/strategies/daily practices that have worked to manage anxiety in the past? Dig them out. The Headspace daily meditation app (mentioned in a past resource here) is offering a lot of their content for free, and I mention it because I have personally found it really enjoyable and useful. Obviously again, YMMV but if “reviews from a hater who was sure she would never be able to do any kind of meditating or mindfulness” are interesting to you, there you go.

I say this because, even experienced anxiety-havers tend to skip this part as we start imagining dire scenarios and looking around for tips and tools, but often we already have some basic things in place. Use them, use everything you already know and have.

The second thing I remind myself/every fellow diagnosable anxiety sufferer who writes in is: Where possible, translate the anxious energy into *action.* 

Scanning all the details of everything related to the pandemic is technically an action, but that’s not the action I’m talking about. You’re feeling anxious, so what are you going to do? What can you do? Make lists of things you can do. Don’t judge, you can put ridiculous, impossible things on there. But make lists. Who can you call? What do you need? And what can you do? 

Some ideas for your lists: 

You need a daytime routine where you figure out how to work from home, get some of your social needs met, take care of yourself and your physical plan as well as your space/environment, and ride this out. 

• Make a set schedule and try to stick to it. Doing the same things at the same time every day will give you a sense of normalcy. Take a shower. Put on clean clothes. (They can be really comfortable clothes, just, try not to wear the same ones 4 days in a row). I am the worst at this but I grudgingly concede that it works. 
• As you design a new daily routine for yourself, one of your tasks is probably “treat/pamper/baby the anxiety.” Set aside at least 30 minutes every weekday for necessary research, bureaucracy, phone calls, and actually doing the exercises/meditating/what have you. Invest in a weighted blanket, it will help when you are missing hugs. You may find yourself taking your “as needed” meds more often than usual, but if you need to, you need to. 
• Use timers and work in bursts and take breaks to get up and move your body. 
• Plan your meals and definitely eat lunch, away from your desk if possible. 
• If you live with partners/roommates, schedule ahead of time and make lunch a social thing that you eat together at a table. If you live alone, maybe make lunch a social thing with your favorite coworker or coworkers. 
• If nobody’s available for lunch, do what introverts do when we work in busy/social offices: Read! Or find a friendly podcast if the vibe of conversation is what you need but you don’t want to spend the time scrolling your phone: I am loving You’re Wrong About. 
• If you have a laptop and the ability to move where your desk *is,* my physical therapist recommends moving to different spots/seating positions throughout the day to save your back/knees/wrists. 

Socially speaking, you are the extrovert in a sea of introverts, ergo, you are probably now your friend group’s new self-appointed Minister Of Fun.

• Possibly you are the arranger of Virtual Happy Hours.
• Maybe you are the person who is going to figure out the Netflix Party extension for Chrome. 
• I have not tried this app/site, but it is one of many I have seen linked for people who want to have a long-distance karaoke night. 
• Is it time for Virtual Iron Chef involving your weirdest pantry staples? 
• What games lend themselves well to play over Discord or Google Hangouts or another chat program? 
• You probably aren’t going to be able to get everyone together even online as much as you want, so may I suggest “small, regular, predictable windows of time” and “calendar invites to specific people at specific times.” It’s easy to miss or ignore a general “Hey everyone” event, so, target that stuff. 
• When you make a daily schedule for yourself, can you  put “look at/engage with social media” in specific blocks of time and use one of the apps that blocks you the rest of the time, so you can be more intentional about it? 
• Can you use your social media to find other extroverts? Things I’ve seen in my feed over the past few days (but do not have time to go back and turn up at present – kindly use your own Search-fu and judgment): A virtual prom where people are going to get all dressed up in their best clothes and take photos and videos, at least ten separate groups/lists that parents & teachers made for stuff to educate and amuse kids, including one (I think) that’s just “We’re scientists who will Skype your child for up to x minutes to talk about y subject, reserve your time block.” Numerous online DJ listening sessions, at-home dance parties. 
• Write letters, postcards, make phone calls to people you love who live far away from you. Maybe people can’t feed your need for contact just now, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to feed them and see if making the effort and taking action feeds you in return.
• Use calendar invites to plan actual dates with partners and friends (for phone calls/FaceTime and mutual fun). “Let’s catch up sometime” isn’t going to cut it right now. Vagueness isn’t going to cut it for you.“I know that at 8pm we are going to eat an edible and watch CATS together” can get a person through a day. 

Possibly your extrovert love and energy can be adapted to other kinds of organizing: 

• Mutual aid/errands/for neighbors.
  • Does your building need a rotating schedule for disinfecting doorknobs, railings, mailboxes, light-switches and who should walk their dogs when?
  • Are you going to the pharmacy, does anybody need meds or other supplies picked up, can there be Google doc and agreed-upon way to pay?
  • How will people know if someone gets sick and/or tests positive? Perhaps you are the maker/keeper of your building or block’s spreadsheet and phone tree and balcony choir. 
• Look around for local mutual aid Facebook or other social media groups where you live. I got added to one last week, it’s amazing, and I think it’s where tons of extroverts are channeling their energies. That’s where I found out about online karaoke, for example. Maybe another friend group’s lone extrovert is your new plague-buddy. 
• Phone-banking for a cause or candidate and bugging your elected officials.

What are some things you could do to be very nice to your body and your living environment right now? If you’re physically up for it, stress-cleaning is useful cleaning that will pay off if you or someone in your household gets sick. Change the sheets. Do the laundry. Hang up the art you’ve been meaning to. Moisturize. Find some sexy playthings for idle hands. Find one of the many, many yoga (or other exercise) instructors who are running free online classes right now. 

Finally, if you’ve ever wanted to take up a hobby/learn a skill that takes practice and dedicated concentration, this is probably the time. But also, REST IS OKAY. REST IS NORMAL. REST IS NECESSARY. 

I can’t lie – it’s going to get worse before it gets better, and there are some instances  where virtual interaction and immersion in the arts/hobbies, etc. won’t be enough – but you are being so smart right now. You are reaching out, asking for help, making plans, taking your meds, doing what you can. We are social animals (yes, even introverts) and we are resourceful animals and you are not going to be alone at being alone. Speaking of which: The author of How To Be Alone is hosting a regular talk show on the topic of How To Be Alone. 

Discussion Notes:

Comments are open. Here are some of the things I’d like to read today: 

• One thing you are personally doing to help or stay connected with other people during necessary social-distancing or outright quarantine. 
• One thing you are personally doing to take care of yourself during necessary social-distancing or outright quarantine.
• If you’re somebody who must go to work, what’s one thing you wish the inside kids knew that could help you be/feel safer and do your job well? 
• One link per post of an online event or group or resource you think might help either letter writer with a brief description of what that is and why you like it. 
• Short questions you have about manners/social life/etiquette/scripts for being good to yourself and other people during this weird time, and community answers to those questions. Let’s do some mutual aid right here!
• One or two concrete suggestions specifically from people with experience having to do most or all of their social life remotely.  

If I could limit comment word count/characters with WordPress I would, but I cannot, so I must ask this enthusiastic, helpful, and wordy bunch to help me out: We do not have to cover every possibility here. If you start making long lists of everything cool you saw on the internet or that you are doing as you write your comment, that’s a sign that you are probably writing your own blog post – GREAT! – Definitely write it, then link us to that post and a brief description of it as your contribution instead of posting 1200 words and seventeen links as a comment. 

What I do NOT want to read in this comment section this week:

• Medical advice. 
• Medical articles.
• Medical facts. 
• Medical theories.
• Medical tips.
• Medical statistics.
• Medical questions.
• Medical anxieties.
• Medical descriptions.
• Medical rumors.
• COVID-19 facts/details/tidbits/explainers/news.
• Medical anything.
• I AM FULL UP ON MEDICAL FACTS, QUESTIONS, AND WORRIES, AND ALSO HAVING TO DOUBLE-CHECK AND DEBUNK THOSE THINGS, THANK YOU. #familygrouptext 
• Please hold off on recipes for food, food complaints/issues, details about food allergies, dietary restrictions, or eating. (It’s personal to me, I Just Can’t Right Now, Thank You, there are many sites/communities/social portals ABOUT food, that stuff is useful/necessary but this isn’t the spot). “This site with recipes for pantry staples is what’s getting me through” + a link = okay. “Here’s my recipe for _____. /Does anyone have a recipe for ____?” = Please take it elsewhere, thanks. 
• Electioneering. (Text- or phone-banking reaches actual voters, probably do that!) 
• Introverts venting or complaining about extroverts. (You heard Letter Writer #1259 – LET’S JUST NOT. Also, introverts, check on and appreciate your friendly extroverts, they’re not okay right now and they could use some love in exchange for the 10 parties they threw and invited us to even if we didn’t go to eight of them.)  

I’m sending everyone love, solidarity, hope, and gratitude. Our lives are going to change so much in coming weeks, and I know it’s so scary right now, but even amid the scary news and administrative failures, everywhere I look I see people organizing, helping each other, and brainstorming ways to connect and give back. We’re going to do our best to get each other through this, and our best is pretty good. 

 

With the quarantining and indefinite working from home, will there be more COVID babies or COVID divorces?

This latest Reply All episode is *delightful*. It’s about a man in California who is haunted by the memory of a pop song from his youth. He can remember the lyrics and the melody. But the song itself has vanished, completely scrubbed from the internet. PJ takes on the Super Tech Support case.

(hi lisa)

A reader writes:

I’m a teen librarian. I work directly with kids in grades 6 through 12. This lends towards a fascination with my job. It’s sort of specialized, as far as library services go, as teens are a bit odd. My coworkers keep having ideas of how I can interact with the teens who come in. It’s nice that they want to get involved but these ideas are often things I’m either already doing, things I know would not work with our population or things that would be so much work for me that I wouldn’t be able to do anything else.

It’s been almost every flavor from “we should have coloring books out for them” to “let’s partner with this big city organization and create a conference!” The people asking are all levels too. Paraprofessionals to department heads. It’s not necessarily frivolous suggestions, it’s more that I am already overworked and they want me to do the heavy lifting. I’ve had someone approach me and say something along the lines of “vampire dance party!” And then expect me to figure out literally everything else. They said they just liked the way it sounded and “teens are into vampires.”

How do I respond to them? It’s often in person and they’ll corner me and talk to me for quite some time about the great idea they’ve just had. I’ve tried every form of noncommittal answer I can think of but they don’t take the hint and will often state and restate the idea trying to get a more solid answer from me. Sometimes I can, quite literally, run away, but sometimes we are both covering the same desk.

How do I gracefully disengage? I’ve tried “Oh, interesting, I’ll think about it” or saying I’ll have to talk to someone else to get it cleared or even “That won’t be possible” but nothing has helped. I often get emails or more in-person follow-ups that I don’t know how to respond to. Please help!

I wrote back and asked, “Are the people who keep following up with you after the initial conversation ones where you’ve clearly said the idea won’t work (and they’re following up anyway), or just ones where you had been more non-committal?”

Probably the ones where I’m more non-committal if I’m honest with myself. Though it doesn’t stop the talking in person, being more firm does stop follow-ups after. But I don’t always want to shut it down because cross-departmental collaboration is important to my boss.

I think this is a thing whenever you’re doing work that’s remotely interesting to people and/or feels like it overlaps with something they understand, even just slightly. People muse over the topic slightly, have an idea that feels plausible to them, and supply it with great excitement without considering the realities that (a) the logistics of implementing ideas are often more complicated than they look from the outside, (b) doing it probably means you’ll need to not do something else, and (c) unless the idea is especially creative, then you, the person immersed in this work all day long, have probably already thought about it and aren’t doing it for Reasons.

To be fair, sometimes the ideas are good ones! Sometimes there’s real value in getting outside input. But the best outside ideas are ones paired with an understanding of the factors above. (Here’s an old column I wrote in 2009 while feeling particularly aggravated with a coworker who didn’t do it that way.)

As for how to respond…

I think you’re probably being non-committal in situations where the person’s cues mean they need you to say something more solid.

Of course, if the person doesn’t seem terribly invested in having a deep conversation about their idea (if they’re just yelling “vampire dance party!” as they walk by or whatever), then go with a mildly positive but fully non-committal response, as you’ve been doing:

* “I’ll put that on my list of ideas to think about!”
* “Fun idea! Not sure about the implementation, but let me spend some time thinking about it.”
* “Interesting! We’re swamped the rest of this year, but I’ll make sure it goes on our ’someday’ list.” If you work in a culture that’s big on goal-setting, sometimes you can use that to your advantage — “we’ve got our goals locked in for this year and no resources to spare, but I’ll put it on the ideas list when we’re planning for next year.”

In other words, you’ll think about it. You might even write it down. That’s it.

But when that’s not working and the person pushes for something more solid, then it makes sense to share some quick context for why you’re not pursuing it:

* “I thought about doing that too, but it didn’t work out because of X.” Or if you don’t want to get into a detailed discussion, just say, “it didn’t work for a bunch of reasons.”
* “Our age group actually doesn’t use coloring books.”
* “I agree that would be great, but it’s nearly a full-time job to do that well, so we’d need to cut a ton of other stuff.”

If someone is looking for a lengthy conversation about their idea, it’s okay to say, “My initial reaction is that it’s not well suited to our population because of X (or it would take a ton of resources to do it well / we wouldn’t get the same bang for our buck as other initiatives we’re focusing on / we’ve learned our resources pay off the most on things like X and Y but not Z” / etc.). But let me think about it some more and I’ll let you know if we decide it makes sense to take it on.” You can skip that last sentence if it seems likely to cause follow-up you don’t want. In that case, just end with something like, “But thanks for suggesting it — it can be hard to know from the outside what works with this population!” Then immediately change the subject if the person is someone who you know to be especially tenacious.

I hear you on not wanting to totally shut people down because cross-departmental collaboration is important to your boss. But collaboration doesn’t mean you have to accept whatever ideas people offer. It means that you take the time to listen, consider their viewpoint with an open mind and a reasonably warm demeanor, and explain when something isn’t workable. It can be frustrating to have to do a lot of that when it’s coming at you from a bunch of different people — but that’s the part that’s probably important to your boss.

my coworkers won’t stop telling me about their ideas for my work was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

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It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My contentious ex is now my coworker

Today, my ex (mom of our two kids) showed up for orientation at the hospital were I work (without any heads-up). She’s contentious (especially lately since my new wife and I just had a baby) and she loves starting public screaming matches at inappropriate times (daycare, pediatrician’s, etc). I’m a private person and non-confrontational so I just walk away. I prefer not to work the same shifts in order to avoid conflict and embarrassment, especially since she will resent that she must defer to my directives (doctor vs nurse). I want to go to HR, but don’t know if she disclosed our former relationship and I’m afraid they’ll think I am creating trouble since no conflict has happened, yet. I’m also nervous that if I request not being on the same shift, they’ll send me to back to nights (I transferred to days a month ago after finishing a PhD and with a new baby, I’m enjoying the regular hours). Should I go to HR? How should I approach this and how much should I share?

Whoa, yes, you should disclose it, if only for your own protection in case she causes problems. Say this: “I just learned that my ex-wife, Jane Warbleworth, has been hired here as a nurse. We share two children and the relationship since our divorce has been a contentious one, despite my efforts to minimize that. I wanted to make you aware of the relationship and ask if it’s possible not to have her assigned to my shifts given the difficult dynamic. I’m particularly concerned about her ability to take direction from me.”

You could add, “My strong preference is to keep my current schedule. Is there a way to do both of those things?” There might not be — but my guess is that if you’re the doctor and the longer-term employee, it’s likely that you’ll be given at least some priority.

2. Taking video calls in a coffeeshop

I recently started a new, fully remote job. I love it. Now that I’m back home, I want to meet up with old colleagues for lunch on occasion. However, my house is a good 20-30 minutes away from where I’d meet them. Also, this job is more demanding than any I’ve had in a while, and I have a lot of back-to-back meetings. We’re a cameras-on meeting culture. I know how you feel about it, but I actually really appreciate it as we’re all remote.

So, in order to get out of my house from time to time, I would like to drive to a coffee place with wifi in the morning before my meetings, work, then meet my colleague for lunch, and then drive home or back to said coffeeshop to finish my meetings.

Besides the obvious — make sure I order something (or multiple items), don’t take up a ton of space, don’t talk about confidential information, use headphones — what else do I need to know? I’m especially concerned I’ll be looked at as rude for having conversations while there. I would try to get a spot against a wall, so there aren’t random cameos on camera. Anything else I should be considering/aware of?

Well … I’m writing this from a quiet coffeeshop where just a few minutes ago I was feeling mildly annoyed by someone having a cell phone conversation next to me. They’re not in the wrong — this isn’t the quiet car of a train — but there is something about hearing only one side of a conversation that’s more jarring/distracting than two people talking in person, particularly in an otherwise fairly quiet room. So I don’t love the idea. (It does depend on how quiet the space is though — if it’s a loud, bustling restaurant, it’s going to be far less distracting. Although the background noise may make it unworkable on your end.)

What do others think?

3. When people say their boss yelled at them, how do I know if they mean it literally?

How would you you suggest reacting when someone says their boss yelled at them? Of course, the literal interpretation leans toward an abusive boss, but it feels like just about everyone I’ve interpreted it that way with was using hyperbole to refer to being corrected or the like. My standard approach so far has been to assume an abusive boss unless I witnessed the exchange in question (which I’d normally only be able to do with coworkers rather than friends), but that seems to be coming across as naivete and overreaction rather than kindness in the face of a potentially abusive situation. Any thoughts on how to navigate this more adeptly?

Yeah, a lot of people use “I got yelled at” when they really mean their boss expressed a concern or told them to do something differently. While it can be just a colloquialism, it can also be a problem (one that people who aren’t managers don’t always understand) because yelling is abusive, and it’s not cool to give the impression your boss is out of control and abusive.

If it’s not clear from the context which version someone means — and if it’s a situation where it really matters (as opposed to just a friend venting about work) — you could try saying, “Just to make sure I’m understanding, she actually yelled at you? As in raised her voice?” Or you could say, “Did she literally yell or do you mean that figuratively?” If the person says no, it was just a correction, you could say, “Okay, good. Yelling is awful, and I’d be really concerned to hear Jane had done that.”

4. Is this employer being too persistent with their job offer?

I was hoping to get your take on a job offer I recently got from a start-up. My first offer from them was below my salary expectations. I countered with a salary figure that was quite a bit (10-12%) higher than what they originally proposed. They ended up raising the salary offer by about 1%. I declined the offer. Days later, I got a call from the recruiter, asking me to reconsider. She met my salary expectations. I still wasn’t totally sold on the job from the start, and PTO was really low. I tried to look them up on Glassdoor/Indeed, and it became clear pretty quickly that upper management had made some fake reviews to inflate their scores. However, almost all former employees left negative reviews. Ultimately I couldn’t bring myself to accept the new offer. I went with my gut and declined again. Hours after I declined, the recruiter emailed asking me to reconsider again! This time, she offered an increase in some other benefits that I had asked her about after my final round of interviews.

I’m exhausted by this process, and I can’t help but think that the company seems a little desperate. I’m pretty young and recently graduated, so this definitely isn’t a managerial or executive role. However, I’ve been searching for jobs for two months, and there aren’t a lot of options right now in my field. I’m not in dire need of a paycheck just yet, and I’m hoping to find another job that is more exciting to me. My friends and peers have said that it’s generally easier to explain a gap in employment than to leave a nightmare job after a month (hopefully that’s good advice!). (Note from Alison: Yes, although typically you’d just leave the one-month stint off your resume.) But overall, do you think that this amount of persistence on a job offer (on the part of the company/recruiter) is a red flag, or is this situation more typical than I realize? At this point, would it be wiser to walk away, or to hear them out one last time?

There’s no harm in hearing them out, but maintain high levels of skepticism when you do, for the following reasons:

* They do seem desperate, and I’d want to understand what’s behind that. Do you have very hard-to-find skills? Or are they underpaying or having trouble attracting candidates for another reason?
* A 1% increase to their offer when you countered with something much higher is pretty ridiculous (especially when they then met your salary request a few days later).
* Low PTO is a bad sign. Especially if they’re desperate, since why hasn’t it occurred to them that might be something to fix?
* The fake online reviews are a very bad sign and the mark of a company with serious culture issues (and little real interest in fixing them).
* You already weren’t sold on the job itself.

Persistence from an employer isn’t always a bad sign, but this kind of persistence is. It would be different if it came across more as, “We respect your decision, but we also genuinely believe you’d love it here because of (reasons tailored to what you’ve told them you’re looking for) and would love a second chance to talk through your concerns if you’re open to that.”

In any case, two months isn’t an excessively long job search, and you don’t sound like you’re in a spot where you need to accept anything that’s offered to you. Proceed with deep caution.

5. Asking my employer to pay for a standing desk when I work from home

I started a 100% remote job with a small company several months ago and I love it! I have a home office but my set-up isn’t ideal. My desk is really short and my old office chair isn’t very comfortable so by the end of the day I’m feeling sore.

Would it be appropriate to ask the company to subsidize or pay for the cost of a standing desk? I don’t have a medical condition that would require it, I’d just like to stop sitting all day. My company subsidized the cost of my phone plan and sent me a state-of-the-art laptop when I began so I think they have pretty generous policies, but I don’t want to sound entitled or like I’m demanding equipment I should just go buy myself. Should I ask my boss? HR? Any tips on wording? I’m new to working from home and I’m still learning to navigate it.

Some companies would cover this and some wouldn’t, but it’s not unreasonable to ask about it. I’d word it this way, probably to your boss: “I’m not sure what our policies are on equipment for remote workers’ home offices. I’m interested in getting a standing desk — is that something I could talk to the company about covering?”

difficult ex is my new coworker, taking video calls in a coffeeshop, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

“There’s a ton you can get in life if you’re willing to submit yourself to the mortifying horror of asking for it.”

(via)

It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. This one isn’t strictly work-related, but it intersects with work and is an interesting change of pace. A reader writes:

We’re a family of adults, who all live in places we love with jobs we love, but want to live in the same city (or same state, at the very least). How can we possibly make this decision? What factors should be weighted the most?

I’m a 32-year-old woman, and my husband and I hope to conceive our first baby in the next year or so. We live in a medium-sized city. I moved here for a job five years ago because I couldn’t find anything in the state where I grew up, and now have a new career that I really like, also teach dance in the evenings at an amazing local dance school that’s become a great community, and my husband started what has turned out to be kind of the dream job (and is literally one of a kind) a few months ago. It’s a great city and we have good friends here.

But! My parents (in their early 60s) live three states (a two-hour flight) away, where I grew up, and my brother lives in a third state, a 1.5 hour flight away. I’m really close to them, and hate living so far apart, as do my parents. Especially once we have a baby, AND as my parents get older and will eventually need more help, I’d really, really like to all live in the same state. My brother also wants to live close once we have kids. But who moves where??

My mom will be retiring in a couple years, but my parents have really close friends where they live and are a little nervous about moving somewhere new. My husband would have to leave this dream job if we moved. My brother’s job, which he also loves, is something that literally doesn’t exist where either my parents or I live (think something like sea captain). None of us are wealthy, so having multiple dwellings, or flying once a month or something, are not options. We all like where we live, but also want to be near one another, basically. I feel like there should be some kind of checklist to work through to decide which state we end up in!! I wonder if you or commenters have a list to consider…

Readers, what are your suggestions?

my family wants to live near each other — how do we do this with work? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

This is Humphrey, our new foster cat. He was found crying in a parking lot on a freezing cold day. He’s clearly used to being an indoor cat but his family could not be found, so we are fostering him until someone adopts him. He is an older, sedate gentleman with a strong interest in napping and windows, and he has markings on one side like a cow.

weekend free-for-all – February 1-2, 2020 was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

I met up with the wonderful Jennifer Peepas of Captain Awkward while she was in town and it was lovely!

We decided to collaborate on answering a few questions together and crosspost them to both sites, and this is the first of two posts from that joint effort. 

1. Can I talk about my boyfriend’s other girlfriend at work?

“Adam” is dating both me and “Jane,” and we all live together.  We aren’t really into any sort of “polyamory scene” sort of thing; this is simply an arrangement that happened because it’s what works for us and our happy little family.

Moving in with them coincided with a new job, and I really don’t know how to talk about it at work, or if it’s even appropriate.  I’m so used to talking freely about Thanksgiving plans; but it feels overly personal to say that we’re flying out to spend Thanksgiving with Jane’s family (because that would lead to: Jane?  Who is Jane?). 

Jane has some work-appropriate, performance-related hobbies, so weekend plans often involve going to shows that are in that sphere; it feels oddly dismissive of Jane and her place in my life to say, “oh, I’m watching my friend’s performance,” but at the same time, overly TMI to say, “oh, this weekend I’m watching my boyfriend’s other girlfriend’s performance.”

Thus far I’ve just… kind of avoided the details, but have mentioned “Jane” or my “friend” or “housemate” a bit.  I’m comfortable and confident with my household arrangement in other spheres of my life, but work is a place where I like to abide by the rules, and I really don’t know what the rules are here!  It feels so weird to have this person who is so integrated into my life, and then not really know how or if to talk about her.

I know my workplace is at least a little bit open (I’ve got a trans coworker, and that’s No Big Deal), but it isn’t particularly progressive. Very much a Normal Office.

P.S. I think a coworker thinks Jane is my daughter.  If this ever comes up, should I correct them?

Jennifer (Captain Awkward): To me, there are three things in tension here: 

1. The more non-traditional romantic and family structures become boring and routine, probably the more safety and comfort people in non-traditional relationships will have. You’re harming nobody, secrecy increases stigma, so why not share it without making a big deal the way anybody would talk about a spouse or partner at work?
2. Unfortunately, depending on where you live and work, there is stigma and legal discrimination against people in any relationship that isn’t one man and one woman that can have real professional and legal consequences, and privacy isn’t a thing anybody can get back once it’s out there. 
3. Who specifically is in your workplace, what is the culture there, and how many questions about non-traditional relationships do you want to answer from your coworkers if you bring this up? Do you want to take on an educator/ambassador role, do you want to risk releasing the kraken known as That One Guy Who Is Just Very, Very Curious About Your Exact Sleeping Arrangements? And do you want to do this at work? 

Really there’s no one right thing to do and no wrong one either. Asking Jane and your boyfriend how they’d like to be referred to and specifically how much of their private business they are comfortable with your coworkers knowing is probably a good idea before you make any detailed corrections, as in, you’re worried about being “dismissive of Jane” but Jane doesn’t have to work where you work nor does she necessarily want to be a topic of discussion there. 

When in doubt, “Oh, she’s not my daughter, Jane’s my close friend and also our housemate, we think of her as family” works just fine.“Partner,” “Part of the family,” “My boyfriend’s other partner,” etc. might work if you want to disclose more in a way that people familiar with polyamory will pick up. 

The good news is that this most likely be fascinating for a week or so and then probably nobody will care because they aren’t that interested, and That One Person can always be told it’s none of their beeswax.

Alison (Ask a Manager):  I’m so glad Jennifer answered this first because I’m really conflicted on this kind of question. On one hand, I am all for reducing stigma about personal choices that harm no one — especially when it can be done by people who are in a relative position of safety. And I’m acutely aware of how “you must hide this core thing about who you are when you’re at work” often plays out in ways that are harmful and oppressive, especially when your coworkers don’t have to hide parallel things from their own lives. On the other hand, the reality is that there is still a stigma against polyamorous relationships, and it very well may affect your career if this becomes a gossipy thing that gets mentioned ahead of your work when your name comes up.

So I think you’ve to figure out (a) how your specific office is likely to respond to this, and maybe your broader field or network, since at some point you’ll change jobs and people talk, and (b) how much you care, which is a combination of how uncomfortable/unhappy you’ll be if you hide the nature of the relationship and how concerned you are about potentially dealing with weirdness or bias from people in your professional realm.

I’ll also note that whenever this comes up, some people like to argue that coming out as polyamorous is TMI — that it’s “sharing things about your sex life that they don’t want to hear.” So I want to state for the record that this is no more that than sharing the existence of any other partner is. It’s about sharing who you love and who you are in an important relationship with. The culture as a whole hasn’t totally figured that out yet — which is why this is still a question — but it’s worth flagging in any discussion here.

2. I like my job but my company is postponing a promised promotion and cutting everyone’s pay. Should I stay or go?

I’m an entry-level employee at a small company of about 40 people in a major city with high cost of living. Despite my previous three years of experience in the industry, I was hired at the lowest level in the company and told I would be eligible for a promotion within a year if my performance went well. Fast forward a year and a half and my performance has been stellar and I was on the track for a promotion. However, the company is undergoing dramatic financial issues and last week management cut everyone’s salary by 10% to preserve our financial stability. A lot of the entry-level employees were baffled and asked that we be exempt from the cut since we make the least and have the least amount of decision-making power that led to this situation. To accommodate us, management cut entry-level pay by 5% and everyone else received the 10% cut. They’re planning to maintain the cut throughout all of 2020. In addition to the salary cut, they’ve frozen all new hires and promotions for this year.

I feel defeated because my promotion (and accompanying raise) will not happen in 2020. I also feel angry because management is planning on creating more products to boost our sales and revenue, which means everyone will be working harder for less pay in the hope that our sales improve next year. Management is adamant that this difficult time is for staff to “give back” to the company and make sacrifices for the whole.

All my friends and family say I should run, quit, and find a new job ASAP. I feel hesitant because I did really like my job before this happened and felt like I had a career trajectory at this company. I’m also struggling to determine if I owe it to the company to stay, put in the work, and weather the storm of 2020 for $3,000 less a year than what I was making. I think my manager is sensing my hesitation because he offered me a title-only promotion without an increase in pay. It feels like a consolation prize and the more reality sets in, the more I’m concerned about my financial and professional future if I stay. Am I selling myself short if I stay? Am I a traitor if I leave?

Jennifer: Imagine for a moment that you are an investor considering putting money into your company. Does a firm “undergoing dramatic financial issues” that forced even its most junior staff take a pay cut, froze all hiring and promotions for a year, and then still thought it could develop and launch new product lines sound like the safest bet? The company is gambling that that this move will pay off and maybe it will, but a smart investor wouldn’t put 100% of their money and hopes into this place and probably neither should you. What’s the harm in looking around to see what’s out there and applying to interesting opportunities? You’re not obligated to take any offers that aren’t a better fit than you have now, but if things “dramatically” deteriorate you’ll be glad you have options.

If you decide to accept the title boost (it’s good for your resume whether you stay or go), ask for something in return and put it in writing. Could be a retention bonus (“I’ll stay in this role for one year in return for $X now and $Y at the end of that year”), could be a retroactive raise in 2021 (“On Jan 1, 2021 the company agrees to raise my salary to $X and pay me retroactively for the months I worked as [title]”), could be more paid vacation, could be more flexibility to work from home, could be offloading your most hated tasks to someone else and taking on more of what you want to do with your time. Negotiate something in consideration for taking on more work and I’ll repeat it again – get it in writing. It doesn’t have to be a contentious thing, you can tell your boss how much you appreciate him for going to bat for you to have the new role and just add in that it would be foolish not to ask for something in writing about compensation given how much the industry and company finances fluctuate. If he gets mad at you, calls you “disloyal” or “entitled,” or tries to manipulate your emotions to get you to forgo money, it is a sign that you should quietly accept the promotion and start sending out your resume IMMEDIATELY. 

Finally, I want you to excise the word “traitor” from your vocabulary when you think about this problem. The company broke a promise to promote you and also cut your pay because they’ve decided that it saves them money. If they need to lay you off to make their numbers they will, so consider that when this employer talks about “giving back” and “loyalty” they mean a thing you owe them so you’ll work more for less. How can looking out for your own money – i.e. the whole reason you work there – possibly be “a betrayal”? If you stole their proprietary information and sold it to competitors, that would be betrayal. If you find a new job with more money and a better title, you’re making a business decision the same as them.

Alison:  Yes! Excellent, excellent. 

And also, re-think your ideas of what you “owe” an employer. This isn’t a marriage, where you’ve taken vows. Here’s what you owe your employer: good, focused work while you’re there; clear communication when there are problems if your employer has a track record of handling that sort of input well, and a reasonable amount of notice when you decide to leave (for most people, that’s two weeks). You do not owe them a commitment to stay for longer than would be in your own interests. I promise you, they will act in their own interests — and that’s as it should be! That’s not, like, a sneering commentary on them; it’s just a recognition that this is a business relationship. Each side should treat the other with respect and integrity, but you don’t sacrifice your own interests for theirs, just as they wouldn’t for you. That’s the nature of it! You get to walk away when you want to walk away and when it makes sense for you to walk away. (And it sounds like it’s time to start thinking about doing that.)

Tune in later this week for Part 2 of this conversation and the answers to three more questions. 

can I talk about my boyfriend’s other girlfriend at work? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

So maybe this episode is a bit like Ferrero Rocher, in which Claire gourmetized an already gourmet treat. But what is wrong gourmetizing that which is already gourmet? Nothing, we say! Join Claire Saffitz in the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen as she attempts to make gourmet Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
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Pastry Chef Attempts to Make Gourmet Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream | Bon Appétit