Tom Wright

Who knew bears were such prima donnas?

Lindalee may be the most well known Doctor Who fan under the age of ten. The 5-year-old reviews episodes for Beyond the Marquee and is impossibly cute and funny—and she just got an amazing opportunity to interview Matt Smith! Lindalee asked the best questions; they talk about dinosaurs and cakes and the sonic, and I don’t think it could be more delightful. One of the best parts is watching the people in the background smiling hugely.

Watch the interview after the break.

(via Nerdist)

Don’t get me wrong, the history of humans is a fascinating story. Egyptian hieroglyphics show a world full of legends, myths, and fantastic events. But how much cooler would that history be if it involved spandex? Artist Josh Ln has imagined such a world. He’s taken the hieroglyphics format and added superheroes and pop culture heroes to make hero-glyphics. It’s a fun art style and I love checking out all the details. He has prints for the X-Men, the Avengers, Star Trek, Power Rangers, and more!

See the rest of the not-so-ancient histories after the break.

(via TMS)

My theory, anyhow.

It's October and that means pumpkin flavored everything and Halloween. If you haven't figured out what to wear for the holiday, you need to decide soon - it's just three weeks away! Whether you need to choose attire for a party or just need a suitable costume to wear to the office for the day, the rise of everyday cosplay has made it more simple than ever to look good and to be comfortable.

Everyday cosplay came onto the scene in a big way in the last five or so years. Though fans have been practicing it for a while, companies didn't catch on until more recently. And now? The options are dazzling. You can dress like a superhero without donning spandex. You can emulate a Stormtrooper without making or ordering armor or buying an unimpressive cloth version from the local Halloween shop. It's like magic.

Here are some of my favorite everyday cosplay options this year:

Her Universe
Tights and black boots go with any of these dresses, but you can add any props you have for the finishing touch. For the Star Trek tunic, add a phaser. For the Dalek, make a headband that looks like Dalek "ears" and carry around a whisk. You get the idea.




WeLoveFine
If you're going for a superhero or Adventure Time look, you can stop the search at WeLoveFine. Pair the tunic tanks with solid colored tights from American Apparel or Black Milk to complete the look. Just keep in mind WeLoveFine prints their products as they're ordered so shipping takes just a touch longer.



Superhero Stuff
Costume t-shirts with capes for crying out loud. Again, pair with tights and tall boots to complete the look. You can even add a mask (get plain white ones from your local craft store and paint them to match). And for the men, they have tons of costume hoodies!


I've made too many last minute trips to the local mega-Halloween shop, spent hours wandering the aisles and going through slutty versions of characters or objects that shouldn't be slutty (seriously - there's a sexy pizza costume), and then ended up dropping too much money on an outfit that was barely tolerable. Getting one of the above tunics or dresses is a much more pleasing and affordable option.

Happy shopping!

We’ve reviewed the Tempest version of Love Letter in the past. Before it was a Tempest game, however, it had it’s own life in Japan. AEG has decided to publish the original version of Love Letter, complete with art, as the Kanai Limied Edition.

Mechanical Changes. Although it’s essentially the same game, there is one notable mechanical change on card 7. The Tempest version is the Countess. When the Countess is in your hand with royalty (a Princess, King, or Prince), you must discard the Countess. Thus, when the Countess is discarded it may be because they have a high card or because it’s a bluff.

The wording is slightly changed in the Kanai Limited Edition. Number 7, the Minister, now says that it the total in your hand equals 12 or more, then you are out of the round. The same three cards still impact it – numbers 8, 6, and 5. But instead of merely having to discard the Minister, you are out of the round entirely.

This makes the Minister much more dangerous to hang on to. If you’re forced to discard the Countess, it opens you up to attacks from Guards. But the Minister doesn’t force you to discard, you’re out of the round. This makes picking up the Minister much more of a gamble. An early Minister is usually discarded. But if he arrives later, after a Wizard or General has already gone by, then he’s a bit safer.

Given my druthers, I’d prefer the Countess to the Minister. Partly I think that’s due to the bias of playing the Tempest version first. The same way I tend to prefer original songs to later remixes or covers – unless I heard the cover first. But also because the Minister eliminates some of the bluffing the Countess allows. The Minister does allow for a high risk and high reward playstyle, but so does the Countess. It’s just that the Countess also allows for bluffing, thereby making it superior in my estimation. Of course, you can always play with Countess rules or you can use the Minister for a quicker game.

The game is also played to four tokens of affection regardless of the number of players.

The Components. The pieces are top notch. All of the characters have distinctive artwork in the original style. This gives Love Letter a slightly different flavor. This is also true because each card has a different name. In the Tempest version, the characters look like they hail from Southern or Western Europe. The titles and characters all reinforce that vision. So, it is the Handmaiden that protects you from the attentions of other players.

By contrast, the Japanese Court is filled with a different cast. It’s not the Handmaiden that shields you, but the Priestess. It is not a Priest that looks at your hand for confession, but a Clown who distracts you and reveals what you’re holding. Each of these changes evoke a different feel for the setting, though the game plays the same mechanically.

Additionally, the card stock seems much improved. The cards are the same size as the Tempest version, but are notably thicker. Whereas I felt the need to sleeve the Tempest version right away, I’m less concerned about the Kanai Limited Edition. A hard box is also nice. Even though I appreciate the cloth bag of the Tempest version, the small box from the Kanai Limited Edition is a welcome change.

Summary: The Kanai Limited Edition is mostly just a re-skin of the Tempest version (or perhaps a re-re-skin back to the original). The two rule changes are fairly minor and easily adopted with the Tempest version. However, if you are a fan of the new artwork or are hoping to evoke more of an Eastern theme, then the Kanai Limited Edition is the one to pick up.

(A special thanks to AEG for providing a review copy of the Kanai Limited Edition of Love Letter)

This comic is about a man and his apple.

Being someone who tends to lean more towards the development side of games, I tend to play devil’s advocate fairly often when thinking about some of the more controversial topics in the gaming community. My first concern is always that the developers get what they need to remain in business and continue making games. That said, when making my usual internet rounds, I stumbled across an indie developer, Greenheart Games, who tried and interesting experiment concerning piracy.

After releasing their first game, Game Dev Tycoon, they uploaded a torrent of their own game. After having some friends help seed the torrent, within a minute it was already being downloaded and their upload speed was quickly maxed. After just one day, there were 214 genuine users (users that bought the game) while there were 3104 cracked versions out in the wild. That is less than 7% of the consumer base being genuine users for a game that only costs $7.99 here in the United States. This is simply astounding, but not really that surprising with the understanding they released the cracked version themselves. This leads to the important question: why?

Well, you see, there is one little caveat that makes this story interesting instead of depressing. The cracked version of Game Dev Tycoon has a special bit of code that, upon detecting it is an illegal copy, will start pirating the in-game projects players are developing. Once this happens, the players keep losing more and more money until they eventually fall into bankruptcy. This has a weird sense of metanarrative mimicking the exact situation Greenheart Games is facing. The developers had not yet taken a salary despite having invested over a year into the development of Game Dev Tycoon, only to find less than 7% of their player base actually bought their game. What really makes this such a fascinating experiment are the responses Greenheart Games have been receiving.

How about this one?

 

These people, who pirated Game Dev Tycoon in the first place, are now upset that their games are being pirated. Oh glorious irony, how I love thee. Even better, the second response specifically mentions DRM and if there is a way to stop the rampant piracy ruining their in-game company. This just really goes to show the plight developers are facing when they lose money to pirates and the frustration they must feel towards it. Greenheart Games had a unique situation in that they could make this sort of joke because their game simulates what it is like to be a game developer. This is an absolutely brilliant move because not only does this act as a means for Greenheart Games to persuade pirates to buy their game, it lets pirates experience the consequences of their actions and they will (hopefully) start buying games and supporting the developers that make the games we want to play. In the era of obtrusive DRM such as the always online requirement in games such as Diablo 3 and SimCity, this is a refreshing breath of air. Thank you, Greenheart Games, for taking this risk and sharing this story and I wish you the best of luck.

Oh, Marvel. Two of their new superhero t-shirts send very different messages. The one on the left tells boys to be a hero, and the one says girls need a hero. Why isn’t there a be a hero or be a heroine shirt for girls? Why isn’t there a shirt for dudes that says I need a heroine that has images of Black Widow, Ms. Marvel, and She-Hulk? It should be fair but since those other shirts don’t exist (as far as I know), this is just a lame and stupid move. I’m surprised it got through the approval program which must be in place for t-shirt designs. Ugh.

This unfortunately isn’t a new problem. I went to Universal Studios Islands of Adventure in Orlando last year and noticed that the few shirts they had for ladies in the shops in that section we are all some iteration of the red shirt pictured above.

On that note, there’s a petition floating around to convince Disney to stop selling these t-shirts.

(missrep via HuffPo)

This week, we take a look at Space Alert – the real time cooperative game from Vlaada Chvatil. In it, the players take on the roles of intrepid explorers. The computer automates everything. It warps in, gathers the data, and warps out. All you have to do is make sure it doesn’t blow up during the ten minutes its gathering data. Easy, right? Well, not so much.

The Basics. Each game of Space Alert takes place over two phases: Action and Resolution. The meat of the game is in the Action Round with the Resolution batting cleanup. The game plays along with an audio soundtrack. There are several training missions and then eight real missions. Each mission is ten minutes long. During the mission, players will be able to take twelve actions.

The players all start on the bridge. The ship warps in with minimal shields in each of its three zones, though those can be restocked from reactors on each side. Likewise, the ship has plasma cannons that can be fired, but that also takes energy from the reactors. The side reactors can be replenished with energy from the main reactor. Any time there isn’t enough energy to take an action, that action doesn’t happen.

As the soundtrack plays, it begins to announce threats and obstacles for the players. Threats include other ships, asteroids, nebulae, and other terrors from outside the ship. But, there are also internal threats which represent either system malfunctions or invading marauders. To combat these threats, players will have to coordinate attacks, use battle bots, and fire rockets. All in real time, all while trying to retain some kind of composure.

A few of the external threats you may face

Players act by placing their cards, face down, onto their own boards. In this way, Space Alert has a programmed movement element, so the players must coordinate and communicate. Once the ten minutes are up, the Resolution Phase begins.

During Resolution, the players go through the scenario one action at a time to see what happened. Now, the players find out if they had enough energy to fire that critical weapon, or if someone foolishly used the last of it on something else. Or, if something else was mistimed and ended up not working. This can cause serious problems for players that thought everything was all right.

After the Resolution phase (which is a little like reviewing the black box on the ship), players find out if they survived. If they did, they can also score the mission for points. But, surviving is reward enough.

At first glance, there’s a lot to this game. Once you play, though, you realize there’s a lot to this game.

The Feel. At first, a game of Space Alert can feel like hectic panic and impending doom. The key to the game is communication. And, with the real time element, some players flip out and focus only on what they are doing. Others see the chaos and shut down, waiting to be told what to do. In either case, it can result in a dead ship. Instead, players have to be comfortable giving and taking orders – and especially in communicating efficiently.

It may seem like a lot at first with movement cards, action cards, battle bot cards, and A, B, and C choices on every deck. Plus, a real time audio track that is constantly throwing out new stuff. External and internal threats (all unique) can also cause confusion as new opponents show up and have to be explained while time is ticking.

To combat what might otherwise be too overwhelming, the game provides a handy set of training scenarios to slowly but surely introduce the concepts to new players. It starts with a few scripted external threats and only A and B choices. From there, it adds the C choices, new external threats, and finally internal threats with battlebots and invaders. Going through the training gives you enough exposure to feel appropriately overwhelmed for the real missions – rather than seeing it as a paralyzing and un-fun miasma.

Internal threats are serious business

The main game of Space Alert is incredible. It’s tense, it’s exciting, and often you have no idea what is coming up next. Even when you’ve played a sound track more than once, the different threats that come out (represented by cards) can change the game completely. An enemy with a big shield might require a coordinated attack of three or four weapons. But a fast enemy might need to be rapid fired to death before it can do too much damage.

Most cooperatives also provide a healthy dose of camaraderie – one of the big bonuses of the genre. Everyone is working together to take down or survive some kind of terrible obstacle. But Space Alert has this in spades. This is the most cooperative, cooperative game I’ve ever played. It’s not just each player chipping away at an enemy or gathering needed resources. Instead, players are constantly communicating devising plans, and hurriedly trying to implement them. A survived mission feels like a major accomplishment.

But, it’s not all roses and lollipops. There are two main issues with the game. First, it can be hard to teach new players. If everyone is learning at once, then the training missions are awesome, but lets say that a regular at game night was gone that day. Well, when he come back the next time, he’ll have to be taught. And, although you can go through the training missions, it’s going to feel very dumbed-down for everyone else who has gotten used to the real thing. And, it’s just as difficult to try to throw a new person into the main missions without the training. As a result, Space Alert is great with a core group, but not too portable to other locations with new people.

Second, the Resolution Round is pretty darn boring. It probably wouldn’t seem so bad except that it directly follows the tense and exciting Action Round. Now, everything slows down and the players can take their time. Generally, one player can navigate the whole thing by him or herself and simply announce each move to the group. It works, but it’s a fairly anti-climactic denouement to the game. Does it irreparably destroy the game? No, not at all. And, sometimes it provides a nice cool down. But it’s a shame that the results can’t be more immediate.

After all the tense awesomeness of the Action Round, this part can be a little boring

Components: 4.5 of 5. Love these pieces. Players are represented by little colored figures and energy by green cubes. But beyond that, there are little battlebots, a rocket for the rocket attack, and the threats all have unique art. The board is great, and the game comes with two CDs of unique mission soundtracks. It not only plays an integral role in the game, but also provides excellent atmosphere.

Strategy/Luck Balance: 4.5 of 5. Strategy has to be determined in the moment, and often on the fly. But, given the array of options that are thrown at you, this actually requires a more strategic mind than do other games. It’s about mental quickness. Luck also plays a role in the game as the threats are randomly determined. While all the threats within a level are roughly equal (the game includes two levels for each type of threat), the method of defeating them can vary widely. But, I’ve never seen a threat come up that, simply because that card was picked over another, decided the fate of the mission.

Mechanics: 4 of 5. In the Action Round, this would be a 5 of 5 score, easily. Tense, exciting, and with enough going on that it is both possible and difficult to manage. Plus, with four or five players yelling, it can get noisy and commanding. But the Resolution Round ends up muting that great effect and the nature of the game simply makes it unduly prohibitive to teach to new players.

Replayability: 5 of 5. There are eight “real” missions included within the game and more available for free download from the publisher’s website. But, even beyond these tracks, the random distribution of threats, and the way that the levels can be selected by the players, provides scads of replay value to this game. Even though the core tense excitement stays the same, the actual manner of prevailing and the threats encountered are constantly changing.

Spite: 0 of 5. As a cooperative game, spite is nonexistent.

The ship at game setup. Shields and energy at half power. What are the odds you’ll need it?

Overall: 4 of 5. Space Alert is a fantastic time. I’ve enjoyed every minute of every game. Now, there will be some players who don’t like the programmed movement, or who don’t like the pressure of real-time play, so Space Alert isn’t for everyone. But if you like those elements, and if you are prepared to have tons of obstacles thrown at you in rapid succession while you try to overcome them, then you should definitely check this out. Exciting. Tense. Exhilarating. Space Alert.

(A special thanks to Czech Games Edition for providing a review copy of Space Alert)

The conversation about female cosplayers, their motives, their sexual nature, their “bonafides” have all come up all over the internet for some time now and we know it’s a touchy subject, however a recent event at PAX East may be one of those tipping points that may change things for the better.

If we take the huge lesson in the words of one of the cosplayers who was harassed.

Meagan Marie is the is the Community & Communication Manager at Crystal Dynamics (the developers of Tomb Raider) and they held a Lara Croft cosplay contest at their booth.
During that event, a member of the press (who also had a camera man with him) made a comment to one of the cosplayers to the effect of “How does it feel to be at a convention where none of the men could please you?”

Meagan only caught part of what he said, but after seeing the reactions from the others, she got an explanation and then went and tracked him down and confronted him. At which point he said a lot of (stupid) things and used the “Cosplay is Consent” argument that some of us have become far too familiar with. On her Tumblr blog she wrote:

I moved in closer and inquired “Excuse me, what did you ask?” with a forced smile on my face, so to give him the benefit of the doubt. He laughed and didn’t respond, moving a few steps away as I repeated the question to the group of women. Turns out he’d probed what it felt like “knowing that none of the men in this room could please them in bed.” Yes, I’m aware it’s a poor adaptation of a gag told by a certain puppet dog with an affinity for insults. Lack of originally doesn’t excuse this behavior, however.

My anger flared upon hearing this, and for a moment I almost let it get the best of me. I attempted to calm myself down before walking towards him and the cameraman, and expressing that it was rude and unprofessional to assume that these young women were comfortable discussing sexual matters on camera. I intended to leave the conversation at that, but his subsequent response escalated matters quickly and clearly illustrated that this ran much deeper than a poor attempt at humor. He proceeded to tell me that “I was one of those oversensitive feminists” and that “the girls were dressing sexy, so they were asking for it.” Yes, he pulled the “cosplay is consent” card.

At this point, as he snaked off into the crowd muttering angrily at me, I was livid.

She then spoke to the PAX East team and they followed up and have now banned that individual from returning to PAX. Kudos to PAX for that, BTW.

But what struck me is that Meagan went on to say that, had it not been another woman — if that comment had been directed at her, she might not have reacted the way she did. Where she’d defend another fiercely, she might not have defended herself. After this incident she vowed to be just as fiercely protective of herself as she is of others and I think that’s the take away here.

Speaking up is the key. If you’re disrespected, say something. Share the experience, help others feel supported in standing up for themselves.

Female cosplayers are beautiful, strong, empowered individuals who put themselves out there in a very real way. I hope that, with situations like this, they’re able to find their voice in the face of ignorance and maybe educate idiots who use the “cosplay is consent” argument along the way.

/end rant

(via The Mary Sue / Image by LJinto)

I get a lot of email. So much that I really can't answer it all.

Well, I suppose technically I could answer it all, but it would cut into my writing and/or leisure time, and as much as I appreciate people writing me (and I do), I have to prioritize and email is at the bottom of my list.

So I'm going to answer emails in this blog post. Not specific ones, but amalgams of the kind of email I get on a regular basis. If you've emailed me before, and I haven't replied, here's the answer you were seeking...

Q: Thank you, Joe. You've inspired me to self-publish.

A: You are welcome, and thanks for telling me. Even though I might not reply, I do appreciate you reaching out. It makes me feel like I'm contributing to the world.

(Sidenote: The meaning of life is simple. Learn what you can. Pass along what you've learned. Have as much fun as possible. The goal is to leave the world a better place because you existed.)

It frankly boggles my mind how many people can trace their self-publishing journey to something I said or did. I look at the Kindle bestseller lists and smile because I see so many folks who have emailed me for advice (back when I used to answer email) and are now selling well.

If I have helped you, pay it forward. Pass along the info to someone who needs it, and share your numbers and knowledge with me and the rest of the world, so we can learn from you. As I've said, you should always have two hands outstretched. One, reaching for your next goal. The other, pulling up people behind you so they can get where you're at.

Q: Can you read my ebook and/or blurb me? I've attached a copy.

A: Thank you for the ebook. It's kind of you to send it. But my time is limited, and I'll never be able to read everything I'd like to read. I've promised people I'd blurb them, and never got around to it, so rather than keep disappointing people who are counting on me, I've stopped blurbing.

Q: Help! My book isn't selling! What should I do?

A: I'll be honest. I have no idea why some books sell, and others don't. If you've already done the Four Important Things (written a great book, gotten a great cover, have a great book description, and priced it reasonably) there's really not much else to do, other than wait for luck to strike.

You can try promoting in these ways, but I don't recommend them all:

• BookBub.com and ebookbooster.com--which I do
• Facebook and Google ads--which I've never tried 
• Twitter and Facebook--which I use sparingly, but remember it is about what you have to offer, not what you have to sell
• Blogging--which I don't believe sells books
• Blog Touring--which I've had some success with
• Cultivating fans--have a newsletter, get active on GoodReads, Shelfari, etc.

Because of the cases at the Supreme Court, lots people have asked me what I think of gay marriage. I suppose that’s what I get for being the politically outspoken writer guy.

Personally, I’m not offended by it. And what other people do is their own business. I don’t think marriage should be the federal government’s business at all. The governement doesn’t own the concept of marriage.

Two people want to enter a contractual partnership where they share assets, responsibilites, benefits, visitation rights, and tax burden. Awesome. Knock yourself out. Heck, if seven people want to marry each other and have a harem, great. Have fun. As long as they are consenting adults, I don’t care. If it wasn’t for the government screwing around in everything, this would be a really pointless question, because then some religions would have it and others wouldn’t, and people would be free to determine their beliefs for themselves.

HOWEVER… don’t make it my business, as in since it really shouldn’t be the government’s affair at all, don’t start bossing around religious institutions and telling them what to do. One of the big reasons many Christians are against the redefining of the term marriage is because they are worried that then their churches will somehow be persecuted for not performing gay marraige…

Presposterous you say? That could never happen here!

You want to know why most Mormons are worried about the government redefining marriage? It isn’t because they hate gay people. It is because the last time the government redefined the definition of marriage, Mormons got screwed over, imprisoned, invaded, and had their property confiscated for not following along with the federal government’s definition of marriage. The feds said you have to perform marriages like we tell you to, or you’re not a real religion, and we will throw you in prison. And for the people who say this could never happen, that’s super comforting, since it has before. So if you want to know why the Mormons in California voted against gay marriage, they weren’t scared of gay people. They were scared of the feds.

For as much as the left likes the paint the right as knuckle dragging hate mongers, you’ll note that the minute you call this contractual hook up between two individuals any word other than marriage most people, including most Christians, really don’t care what people do, and don’t really get worked up about it.  Christians are perfectly used to other people doing stuff that their God doesn’t approve of. Even if somebody thinks what you’re doing is a sin, that’s pretty much irrelevant, because they don’t have the power to come in and arrest you and seize your assets like the government does.

To most Christian denominations, which is still the predominant belief system in America, marriage is between a man and a woman. If you come along and tell them that their religion is wrong, and they are stupid hate mongers, why should it shock you when they get offended and they fight back?

Tell a Catholic or a Baptist that they are wrong and their God is wrong and the country they live in has redefined their religious beliefs of what something means and they’ll fight against it. You ask for all the rights and privledges and tax benefits and all that jazz that make up the legal side of the marriage partnership today, and most Christians in opposition will just shrug.

Sure, no matter what somebody will be all super offended and will protest and speak out and hold rallies and parades, but good for them, this is America where you have the right to free speech. Here’s the thing, lots of people do stuff that other people think are sins every minute, and somebody somewhere is offended by that. This shouldn’t really matter to either side, as both sides should be allowed to argue freely.

Newsflash left wing readers, regardless of what you read on HuffPo, the right wing despises the Westboro Baptist douchebags too.

Personally, homosexuality isn’t my thing. I don’t care if somebody else does it, but I can still teach my children that I think it is a bad life choice. Somebody else wants to do it, fine. Have fun. That said, I despise the bossy ass busy body nanny state federal government telling anybody what they can do, gay or straight, and people should have the free agency to choose whatever sin they want to participate in (and pay the repurcusions obviously if your sin is something really stupid like murder, theft, or playing chicken with trains).  I also don’t think premarital sex is a good idea, so you can see how completely irrelevant my bigoted hate mongery is in other people’s lives. I can think it is a mistake, but what you do is none of my business, and certainly not the business of federal regulators.

Here’s the real problem I see with all of this controversy, when you make an issue of civil rights and freedom into a battle of definitions and terms, then of course people who have strong moral and religious beliefs about redefining those terms are going to fight it.

Duh.

The fact that the media and activists care more about redefining the term “marriage” and telling Christians that they are backwoods klansmen, than assuring gay peoples’ civil liberties to enter into contractual agreements tells me that this controversy is mostly being used as a smoke screen. You’ll note that when you call it something other than marriage, and it does pretty much all the same things as marriage, even Utah and Alabama doesn’t get particularly spun up in opposition. If you’ve got a ballot initiative that says Gay Marriage, you’re shocked when Catholics vote no? Why not have a ballot initiatve that says consenting adults can form a civil partnership that allows visitation rights, joint filing of taxes, parental custody, and coequel property ownership? GASP! But where would be the controversy in that? Then we wouldn’t be able to scream about hatey hate mongers and stuff.

My sincere belief is that this wouldn’t even be any issue at this point if it didn’t benefit the democrats to have a controversy which takes attention away from fiscal matters. Sure, in a few years you’ll be able to marry a bucket of fried chicken if you want, but we’ll be too broke to buy the chicken… Don’t worry gay people, the minute you cease to be a useful diversion for the progressive movement they’ll drop you like a hot potato. Ask an illegal immigrant Mexican or a kid in the innercity.

Moderator: Welcome to Obsolete Anonymous! I've gathered you all here to welcome our latest member, the Print Industry.

Print Industry: Hello, everyone. But there's been a mistake. I don't belong here.

(chuckles all around)

Print Industry: I'm serious. I'm not obsolete. I'm relevant. Print books have been around for hundreds of years. They're never going to be replaced.

VHS Tapes: Yeah, we all thought like that once.

LP Records: It's called denial. It's tough to deal with at first.

VHS tapes: Easy for you to say, LP. You've still got a niche collector market. They can't even give me away on eBay.

Antique Stores: Can we please not mention eBay? I used to have stores all over. But more and more keep closing thanks to that good-for-nothing website.

CDs: At least you still have some stores left. The specialty stores that sell me are almost extinct. I'm down to a few narrow isles at Best Buy and Wal-Mart.

Print Industry: Look, everyone, I assume you all think that ebooks are going to put me out of business. But that won't happen.

Ma Bell: We all deny it at first. I remember when you couldn't walk twenty yards in a city without seeing a pay phone. Then those gosh darn cell phones came along. Do you know some people don't even have land lines anymore? Used to be a land line in every home...

(Ma Bell begins to cry. Print Phonebooks joins in. So does Dial Up Modems. Encyclopedia Britannica, wearing an I Hate Wikipedia T-Shirt, pops a few Prozac. A group hug ensues.)

Video Rental Store: What Ma Bell is trying to say is that when a technology comes along that's faster, easier, and cheaper, the old technology--and all the companies that supported it--tends to fade away.

Print Industry: Why are you here, Video Rental Store? There are still Blockbuster Videos everywhere.

CDs: There were record stores everywhere once.

Cassette Tapes: Hell yeah! They sold cassettes, too! Someone give me a high five!

(no one gives Cassette Tapes a high five)

Video Rental Store: Things looked good for a while. I had a decent, twenty-year run. Then I got hit by all sides. Netflix, shipping DVDs though the mail. On Demand. Tivo. YouTube. But the nail in the coffin came in the past two years. Hula. Roku--which allows Netflix subscribers to stream video instantly. iTunes and Amazon offering movie downloads. Red Box, which rents DVDs for 99 cents and takes up no more space than a Coke machine...

Print Industry: But ebooks are just a tiny percentage of the market. People have been reading print since Gutenberg. They won't adapt to change that easily.

Kodak: You're correct. It takes a few years for people to fully embrace new technology. Some never do. Polaroid never replaced me.

Polaroid: Shut up, Kodak. We both got our asses kicked by digital. When was the last time you sold any 110 film?

TV Antennas: I'm still big in some third world countries!

Typewriter: The bottom line is: when technology improves, it becomes widely adopted. Me and Carbon Paper used to have a groovy thing going. I'd make the words, he would make the copies. Then Xerox got into the act, but he's not doing well now either.

Xerox: F*cking computers.

Floppy Disc: You said it!

Dot Matrix: F*cking laser and inkjet. Doesn't anyone else miss tearing off the perforated hole punches on the side of paper? Don't they miss the feel and smell of that?

Fold-Out Paper Maps: I agree! Isn't it fun to open up a big map while you're driving, in hopes of figuring out where you are? Don't you miss the old days before cars came equipped with GPS and no one ever used that bastard, MapQuest?

CDs: F*cking internet. That's the problem. Instant access to information and entertainment for the whole world. You guys want to talk about pirating and illegal downloads?

(everyone shouts out a collective no!)

Moderator: We all read on JA Konrath's blog that the way to fight piracy is with cost and convenience. Print Industry, are you lowering your prices and making it easier for customers to download your books?

Print Industry: Actually, we just raised prices on our ebooks.

(collective sighs and head shaking)

Moderator: Well, far be it for you to learn from any of our mistakes. Are you making it easier at least?

Print Industry: Well, we've begun windowing titles, releasing them months after the hardcover comes out.

(collective head slapping)

Music Industry: Have you at least tried selling from your own site? I wish I'd done that. But that upstart Apple came along...

Print Industry: Uh... no. We haven't tried that. In fact, some ebooks--we'll use JA Konrath as an example since he was mentioned--aren't even available on all platforms and in all territories.

Moderator: What do you mean? Konrath's ebooks are available all over the place.

Print Industry: Those are the ones he uploads himself. The ones of his that we sell are missing from several key markets, and have been for years. But it's okay. We're paying him much smaller royalties and jacking the prices up high so we can still make a profit. Besides, ebooks are a niche market. Ereading devices are dedicated and expensive.

Arcades: I used to be a thriving industry. Kids spent billions of quarters in my thousands of locations. But then Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft made home arcade machines, and now people play their videogames on dedicated devices. It's a multi-billion dollar business now, and I can only compete if I sell shitty pizza and give out plastic trinkets to kids with the most foosball tickets. If people want the media, they buy the expensive device. Period.

Print Industry: None of you are listening to me. Print will always be around.

Newspaper Industry: Yeah! What he said!

Print Industry: Let's not compare ourselves, okay Newspaper Industry? No offense.

Newspaper Industry: None taken. Hey, maybe we can help each other. I'm selling advertising space for dirt cheap these days, and...

Print Industry: No thanks. No one reads you anymore. People get their news elsewhere.

Moderator: So why won't people get their novels elsewhere as well?

(Print Industry stands up, pointing a finger around the room.)

Print Industry: Look, this isn't about me. All of you guys have become irrelevant. Technology marched on, and you didn't march with it. But that WILL NOT happen to me. There will always be bookstores, and dead tree books. We'll continue to sell hardcovers at luxury prices, and pay artists 6% to 15% royalties on whatever list price WE deem appropriate. And the masses will buy our books BECAUSE WE SAID SO! WE SHALL NEVER BECOME OBSOLETE!!!

Buggy Whip Industry: Amen, brother! That's what I keep trying to tell these people!

CDs: (whispering to LPs) I give him six years, tops.

-------------

Joe sez: I wrote the above three years ago. So what has changed since then?

Every video rental store in my area has disappeared. Blockbuster Video filed for bankruptcy and now has 500 stores left in the US. They once had 9000.

Kodak filed Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. In 2010, you could still buy 35mm film everywhere. Now you can't.

One of the two major bookstore chains, Borders, has closed.

The last commercially produced typewriter was donated to a museum.

The US has almost entirely switched to digital TV.

Roku supported Netflix streaming video. Now Netflix comes preinstalled on new TVs, Blu Ray players, Wiis, Xboxs, Playstations, 3DS, Vistas, WD Live, and Apple TV. It can be installed on the iPad, Kindle Fire, and Nook. Amazon also streams video, free to Prime members.

Since getting my rights back, my income from those titles has gone up over 1000%.

The print industry still hasn't raised author royalties. They faced a DOJ lawsuit for price fixing, allegedly keeping ebook prices high, and have settled. Paper sales continue to decline, while ebook sales continue to rise.

The buggy whip industry still hasn't recovered.