You loved the first one so much, we dug around and found even more of the best in local news bloopers from 2013.

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Lest you think that Guy Fieri’s oft-ridiculed Times Square restaurant had closed up shop amid a surfeit of negative reviews and concerns over What Exactly Is In That Donkey Sauce, fear not! Not only is the American Kitchen and Bar still alive and ostensibly shoveling the aforementioned sauce down diners’ throats, but you can pay $795 for a VIP table for two to hang out there on New Year’s Eve.

You know, if Applebee’s isn’t upscale enough for you.

According to The Braiser (via EaterNY), that was the price listed on the event producer’s site BallDrop.com for a couple’s VIP table. Now it just says “call for more info,” but upon calling there was only a recorded greeting telling callers to email the site with questions. We’ll let you know if we hear back from the email we sent.

So what do you get for all that moolah? The healing powers of drippings from Fieri’s glossy blond lock? A lifetime supply of Donkey Sauce? Nah, just some food, an open bar, a bottle of Champagne and the musical stylings of a DJ. Oh and you have to pay to have your coat checked.

Stationary Hors d’oeuvres

Imported Cheese Board
• Baked Garden Pasta tomato cream sauce and fresh vegetables
• Rotisserie Roasted Garlic-Rosemary Chicken garlic, fresh rosemary, lemon sauce with mashed potatoes
• Motley Que BBQ Ribs glazed with Guy’s beer BBQ sauce

Platters for VIP Table (For VIP GUESTS ONLY)
• Cheese Plate
• Vegetarian California Egg Roll served with Thai chili dipping sauce
• Bourbon Brown Sugar Wings tossed in bourbon brown sugar BBQ sauce

That’s right — imported cheese. But wait, does that mean it’s not American Cheese? Because this place is allll about America.

“The walls are proudly decked out in red, white and blue brick and a painted American flag that would make any non-American citizen envious.”

We’re not entirely sure the word anyone would use in this situation would be “envious.” That is, unless Fieri himself is there, ladling cheese directly into everyone’s mouths.

A VIP Table for Two at Guy Fieri’s New Year’s Eve Party Costs, Wait for It, $795 [TheBraiser.com]

From Serious Eats: New York

It's been a busy year of eating in New York and we've covered our fair share. What were your favorite posts of the year? The first word on tasting cronuts, the best ramen and wonton soup in town, and all-inclusive guides to eating in Chinatown, Times Square, and beyond. See all the posts below.

1. Visiting NYC? Where to Eat (and Avoid) in Little Italy and Chinatown
2. Ask the Critic: Here's How Tipping Actually Works
3. Where to Eat Near Times Square (Our Updated Guide)
4. We Try the Cronut from Dominique Ansel Bakery
5. The Best Ramen Shops in NYC
6. How I Learned to Stop Ordering 'Thai Spicy'
7. Where to Eat Chinese Food in New York City
8. The Best Wonton Soup in Manhattan's Chinatown
9. Tanoshi Sushi is the Holy Grail of New York Sushi Restaurants
10. Staff Picks: Our Best Cheap Eats in New York

If you know us at all, you know what big fans we are of Sarah Palin. Her folksiness speaks to us. She’s just so down home, which is what we love in a Fox News personality/ex-politician/scam artist. You also likely know that we are really really big believers in the gold standard because of our deep love for Ron Paul and our unexplained yet rabid dislike of the Federal Reserve. That’s why this 24-karat one ounce gold Sarah Palin coin is so high on our Christmas list.

This 1 oz. gold medallion honors Alaska’s Sarah Palin. As Alaska’s first woman Governor, she had a reputation of being against “business as usual”. She was thrust into the national spotlight when she was chosen to be John McCain’s vice presidential running mate. A donation from the sale of these medallions will be made to Wounded Warrior Project, helping seriously injured service members. The price for this 1 oz. pure gold medallion is $400.00 over the market price of gold, please call for quote. Order today before gold rises any further.

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I don't want to give anything away because the headline about this post-Christmas incident in Oregon so good, but just click. Trust me. Oh, and Florida? Better step it up.

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This is who Britney Spears is now: a Las Vegas performer who's ripped off some Cirque de Soleil productions so she can tread water in our collective pop culture consciousness with a show called "Piece of Me." Are you sad? Do you feel old? Or did you somehow always know things would go down like this for Britney, even before she announced her Vegas semi-retirement back in September?

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Strep throat should not kill you. Nor should a knee scratch that becomes infected.

Chicago is a misunderstood city. More renowned for its crooked politics, oppressive violent crime, and shitty weather than whatever the local tourist board tells you, the true essence of the place is barely known or appreciated by outsiders. For over a century, Chicago has been home to a diverse collection of hustlers, radicals, and eccentrics, all of whom have helped to give the "Paris of the Midwest" its unique cultural vernacular.

Between 2010 and 2013 I documented candid moments and attempted to build a picture of the city. These images are the result of that project. 

For more of Sam's work, check out his website.

Does your town or city qualify for paradise status? Send your pitches to ukphotoblog@vice.com. Don't be shy.

Previous Paradises:

Detroit / Lahti / Budapest / Leeds / Dublin / Birmingham / Miami / Phoenix / Tbilisi / Los Angeles / Berlin / Rotterdam / Bristol

Here’s some industrial-strength Nice Time, courtesy of our old friend Evan Hurst (Wonkette misses you, Evan!) at TruthWinsOut: That photo up there is the home of Dr. Mary Pham of Irvine, California, who started flying a rainbow flag over her home last spring when all her neighbors were putting up flags for sports teams and seasonal-themed flags. It turned out to be a bit more controversial than she thought:

In July, she was told that people had been writing angry emails to her HOA about the flag. When she saw them, she was taken aback by the hateful language she saw. One of them referred to the flag as a “Fag Flag.”

“Is the GAY PRIDE [in large font and rainbow colors] display protected by free speech rights?” its author asked. “The Orange Tree Patio Homes neighbors are shaking their heads in disgust.”

Yes, we suppose that it is not all that surprising that people in a Homeowners Association might be disgusted by free speech. That’s pretty much what they’re for.

Dr. Pham said that no one was directly hostile to her, because suburbs don’t work that way. But someone was kind enough to print out a press release from the Westboro Baptist Church and leave it on her front door, and somebody else (maybe) left a note on her windshield reading “GOD HATES FLAGS.” (Who knows, maybe the pun meant it was an ironic note of support?) On the other hand, when she briefly took down the flag to replace it with a new one, she got a genuinely nice letter from an anonymous supporter urging her to put the flag back up.

And then in December, the OC Weekly ran a story about the flag flap; Pham was so annoyed by some of the bigoted comments on the story that she was inspired to take her rainbow to a new level for Christmas, covering her house in rainbow holiday lights. And spotlighting the flag, of course. Also, too, some trivia: the flag is a replica of the Italian “Peace Flag” used to demonstrate against nuclear weapons in the ’60s. So not only is Pham not a ally of traditional marriage, she is also some kind of anti-war freak who thinks she’s too good to even write English on her commie flag… In other words, good on her.

We imagine that sometime next week, Todd Starnes will report that Orange County is banning all Christmas lights unless they look like Mary Pham’s.

[Pleasure Chest via TruthWinsOut / Photo by Mary Pham; original at PleasureChest.com]

Of the three classic Chicago Christmas animated shorts we grew up with, the one treasured by most is Suzy Snowflake. Look at her tumbling down. [ more › ]

Same-sex marriages can go on in Utah after a federal appeals court Tuesday denied the state's request to stop them pending an appeal of a judge's ruling legalizing them.In a two-page order (.pdf) entered in 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver, Judges Robert E. Bacharach and Jerome A.

Hi, I'm Ted, and I'm a mixed breed pup. I live in Greenpoint with my mom and dad, where I love to run around the apartment, play with chew toys and bones stuffed with peanut butter, make funny faces, bark, and cuddle. I'm getting to be a champ at walking and love to wear sweaters and fleeces. Don't be fooled by my size; I'm a big guy and can play with the big dogs! Give me some blue cheese and I'll love you forever.

Over Thanksgiving, I decided to write a review of Sarah Palin‘s Christmas book Good Tidings And Great Joy because, as I slowly learned the further I read, I fucking hate myself. What I thought would be a quick, fun jaunt turned into a goddamn labor of love spanning four posts that devoured my entire holiday. So to hopefully make the time that I’ll never get back not a complete waste, here’s my review collected in in its entirety which I tried to bound in the finest of leathers, but apparently you can’t do that with websites. (Racism!) Anyway, enjoy and feel free to fill the comments with ego strokes so I’m turgid enough to open my presents with it. You owe me.

 

Happy Holidays, Queen Elkunt of The North! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 1)

“They took Christ out of Christmas. We’re not shopping there.”

These were the words out of my mother’s mouth one December when I was around seven or eight as we passed a small family-owned grocery store off Route 611 near our house in Scotrun, PA. You see, the owners had committed the cardinal sin of writing “Merry Xmas” in their storefront window panes instead of the full, godly “Merry Christmas,” and therefore were clearly consorting with the devil to ruin Jesus’ birthday party. As I grew older, I noticed, “Wait. There were only 10 windows. How were they supposed- ah, fuck it,” then filed it away between the times my best friend/neighbor brought a demon into our house with his Metallica T-shirt, and Magic: The Gathering made me lure my little brother into witchcraft. (In her defense, she’s since apologized for getting rid of my He-Mans because God is the only Master of the Universe.) Careful readers of similar childhoods who researched the bullshit they waded out of, and promptly had their heads exploded, will also probably know that “Xmas” was an acceptable, religious abbreviation of Christmas for centuries until American Christians decided to lose their shit leading us into the post-911, nationalism-orgy when Bill O’Reilly stoked the flames into a full blown “War on Christmas.” Ironically, this happened as two actual, real live wars with thousands of actual, real no-longer-live casualties were going on by order of a president who was simply following orders from the birthday boy’s dad. Which is kind of funny if you think about it except, no, not at all. We suck. America sucks.

Which brings me exactly to Sarah Palin.

Two weeks ago, Sarah Palin released her new book Good Tidings and Great Joy which was originally titled “A Happy Holidays IS A Merry Christmas” because fuck you, Hanukkah. Here’s how her ghostwriter describes it on Sarah’s Facebook page:

This book is not about isolated trivialities. It’s not really just about gingerbread cookies, or stockings hung by the chimney with care, or the big fat man with the long white beard. It’s not about one holiday at all. It’s about that little baby wrapped in swaddling clothes who arrived long before hope and change became political manipulations. It’s about Christ and our ability to worship Him freely. It’s about America, and what liberty truly means in our day-to-day lives…

Except here’s the much shorter synopsis I would’ve written because my words are awesome and have been known to smell of frankincense and myrrh:

Celebrate Christmas the Christian conservative way, or the government will shoot you in the dick.

Yup, that’s right. Sarah Palin somehow filled 232 thankfully small pages by boiling the War on Christmas down to its purest, ideological liquid form and shooting it all over the face a government-funded Nativity scene. (Plus recipes!) And for those of you wondering why I’m even wasting my time writing about it, let alone reading it in the first place, when Sarah Palin is nothing more than a national punchline to Republicans as much as Democrats, it’s simple: There are an alarming amount of people who think exactly like her. They shut down the government just last month! On top of that, later today – assuming you’re reading this on Thanksgiving – some of you are going to be sitting at a dinner table trying not to fashion a shiv out of a turkey leg while eyeing up jugulars. And really that’s who this production is for along with satisfying my love of squeezing the moose-juice out of low-hanging fruit. Because, holy shit, the ridiculousness is palpable, so let’s get to it.

INTRODUCTION

I’ve actually read Going Rogue, so I can safely say that if there’s one thing Sarah Palin loves more than stringing random words together in an attempt to form a coherent thought, it’s making her ghostwriter write about how much more awesome her life is than your because she lives in Alaska. So naturally she spends the introduction judging anyone not named Sarah Palin for the following things:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

Whoops, my bad. Those are commie verses from the book of Matthew. I don’t know how they got in there. Where was I? Oh, right, Sarah Palin judging some tits off:

Don’t have a white Christmas? JUDGED!
Live in a town that cancels school if it actually does snow? JUDGED!
Don’t bake from mid-November to New Year’s? JUDGED!
Drink coffee on Christmas morning instead of creating elaborate scavenger hunts every single year? JUDGED!
Eat non-moose-based chili from a crock pot that hasn’t been on for two weeks? JUDGED!
Receive gifts from your husband that aren’t lures, firearms, or chopped wood? JUDGED IN THE CLIT, SISTER!

And that last one is where it gets just – *kisses fingers* – c’est magnifique because here’s how Sarah describes finding her manly man of a husband Todd just the perfect present last Christmas. Christmas 2012:

Last year, however, I think I was able to pull off a good one for him. To combat the anti-gun chatter coming from Washington, I surprised him with a nice, needed, powerful gun. I then asked him for a metal gun holder for my four-wheeler. Not only was this small act of civil disobedience fun, it allowed me to finally live out one of my favorite lines from a country song: “He’s got the rifle, I got the rack.”

Gee, I wonder what could’ve happened just 11 days before Christmas last year to get everybody from both political parties all riled up about guns? It seems like they’re always getting their panties in a bunch about somet- Sandy Hook. It was Sandy Hook. An event where a mentally unstable Adam Lanza got a hold of his survivalist mom’s arsenal and killed her with it before making his way to an elementary school where he shot to death four teachers and 20 defenseless children then turned a gun on himself in the most shocking mass murder on American soil since 9/11. And what is Sarah Palin’s reaction to first graders being mowed down while their parents were at home wrapping their Christmas presents? “Yeehaw! Guns and tits.” This is the person’s who lecturing you on spirituality.

From there, it’s more talk about how Christmas is such a magical time for children because apparently now is when it’s time to “please, think of the children” and not when, oh I dunno, they’re being shot in the face before recess. They like that. Anyway, Christmas is wonderful and beautiful for everyone, so Sarah can’t understand why a few, if there’s even more than one, “thin-skinned, litigious” atheists want to ruin it for everybody by bringing up the Establishment Clause and effectively winning court cases with it because America kind of went crazy forgetting it existed during the Cold War. Which naturally dovetails into the age-old, white conservative trope of “people get offended too easily” that’s especially rich considering this entire book is Sarah Palin being offended that public institutions are following the Constitution and wanting big government to tell everyone which religion is awesome because it’s Christianity. Christianity is awesome. Because if it doesn’t, then this is just the “tip of the spear” of Christmas being illegal and everyone drinking eggnog under the cover of darkness. “What’s the password?” they’ll ask at the Candy Cane Speakeasy provided the Atheist Terminators don’t spot the Santa hat under your coat with their infrared sensors first. NO ONE IS SAFE.

1. ANGRY ATHEISTS WITH LAWYERS

Welcome to the first chapter in Good Tidings and Great Joy, a place few will make it to because I had to stop myself from lighting this book on fire and salting the earth where the ashes fall halfway through the introduction. What follows in this chapter is a passage I’ve included in it’s entirety at the end. (Dear HarperCollins lawyers, SPLADOW.) that proves Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter is either pulling the greatest troll in the history of publishing or is a fucking robot because no person alive could’ve wrote any of this seriously without shoving their face into a wolf’s mouth. Because essentially what it spells out is that Sarah Palin’s ideal America is small towns where everyone drives pickup trucks down strip mall-laden streets to a capitalist mecca, Walmart to you layfolk, where they’re free to smoke Marlboros inside before sending their children off to public school to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. It’s literally that ridiculous that it’s its own commentary which is why I transcribed the whole thing, and so I’m not the only one who’ll bet cash money that there’s an early draft where Joe McScrooge sees a pregnant woman and tries to abort her baby with a copy of The God Delusion.

Good luck:

It was too cold, the wind was too strong, and his rental car smelled vaguely of cigarette smoke. His plane had been thirty minutes late, and Joe McScrooge was angry. While he waited for his car to heat up, he turned on the satellite radio, which was thankfully already tuned to NPR. The host was interviewing a man who was helping underprivileged children overcome their religious superstition, intolerance, and bullying tendencies.
He glanced at the clock: 6:35. The airport was at least twenty minutes from Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, according to his GPS, so he had no time to waste to get to his son’s Winter program.
It was his first visit to this small Pennsylvania town since his ex-wife gained custody and moved almost two thousand miles away from the warm sands of New Mexico. He turned up the radio and listened to the host’s calming voice. He needed to hear some reasonable conversation before the forced sentimentality of the school program.
It was dusk, but he could still check out the town through the glass of his windshield. Shabby. Low-class. A strip mall here, a strip mall there—no apparent zoning rules or urban planning. And, of course, there it was, the inevitable Wal-Mart Supercenter. He snorted to himself as he passed a fast-food restaurant with a sign that read,

JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON

What the heck does religion have to do with french fries?
At a stop sign, a man walked his huge unpedigreed dog in front of Joe’s car into a small park that had a sign:

PRIVATE RYAN REYNOLDS CITY PARK

There, across the field, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a cross next to a statue of a soldier kneeling in prayer. His grip tightened on the steering wheel. “As if only Christians have died for their country,” he said to himself as he watched the sweaterless dog shake free of his master’s grip on the leash. “Our wars aren’t holy wars, our soldiers aren’t holy men, and that’s a government park.”
He pushed it from his mind as he drove into the center of town. Wreaths were hanging from every storefront. Christmas lights wrapped around the light poles were blinking relentlessly. Red ribbons flapped sloppily in the breeze, Joe noticed. The lights were multicolored and garish, and Joe was annoyed at their distraction. As he drove closer to the court square, however, his jaw dropped.
There, right next to the courthouse—between a metal newspaper box and a ridiculously oversized menorah—was the unmistakable outline of a Nativity scene. It included the baby Jesus, the “virgin” Mary, and her gullible fiancé, Joseph. The only miracle in that story was the fact that Joseph apparently fell for Mary’s story of a divine insemination.
The Bible’s no better than The Jerry Springer Show, Joe thought. How on earth do these people believe such drivel? He took the turn slowly, checking out the cheap plastic baby Jesus doll nestled in hay.
He could almost feel his blood pressure rise. The doctor had warned him. “Avoid stress,” he had said. “Stay away from difficult situations.” Joe actually laughed out loud as he remembered that conversation in the doctor’s office. He was going to see his son for the first time in six months, visit with his ex-wife, and meet her new boyfriend. That was stressful enough.
“Now I have to be reminded I’m an outsider in my own country?”
He took one last glance at the public display, and mumbled to himself, “Namaste,” as he drove through town.
The school parking lot was almost full, and he had to drive near the football stadium, weaving through minivans and SUVs. He parked between two pickup trucks, one sporting a red-and-gold Semper Fi window decal, the other a faded, peeling McCain/Palin ’08 bumper sticker. Joe audibly gagged. As he walked by the older buildings, he noticed the school wasn’t as new and shiny as the more modern Cesar Chavez School his son used to attend. Before his ex-wife got custody and moved to this dump of a town. The school’s sign read, in slightly crooked black letters:

CHRISTMAS BREAK: DECEMBER 19TH THROUGH 25TH. HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

“Do only Christians attend this school?” he asked the teenage girl handing out programs.
“Excuse me?” she asked, smiling through her braces and fumbling with her WELCOME. MY NAME IS: REBECCA name tag. Joe reminded himself that it wasn’t her fault. She was just a kid. He doubted that school even taught about the separation of church and state.
“Never mind,” he said, taking the program and hoping he wouldn’t run into his ex before the show started.”
“Merry Christmas,” Rebecca chirped as he walked away.
He stopped in his tracks, turned around slowly, and curtly respond, “A happy holiday to you, too.” She smiled and continued to hand out programs, completely oblivious to how insensitive she was acting. He found a seat in the back row and tried to relax. But when he opened the program and glanced over the songs, his hands began to tremble. Three of the ten songs were definitely religious carols: “Silent Night,” “Joy to the World,” and “Little Drummer Boy.” He exhaled to calm his nerves. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was back in that old dusty church of his childhood. When the lights finally went down, the principal bounded up the steps and strode across the stage. She was slightly overweight, Joe couldn’t help but notice, and her goofy green reindeer-adorned sweater looked as shabby as the rest of the town.
“Merry Christmas, everyone,” she sang. “Thank you so much for coming out on this cold night for our program.” As soon as her religion-specific greeting faded from the echo of the cheap public-address system, children standing on bleachers began singing the most dreary of all songs: “Silent Night.” Joe plastered a smile on his face, and scanned the rows of children to find his son. They all looked the same from his back-row seat. Finally, his eyes focused on his boy, and he found himself scooting forward and waving and grinning at him in spite of his bad mood. His son looked taller than he remembered, and so handsome standing there in the second row, fifth young man from the left. Joe could tell his son was singing the words happily, not even realizing the offensive silliness of the whole production.
At that, all his joy faded.
Joe sighed, got out his iPhone, and tried to shield its glow with his hand. “You seriously won’t believe where I am,” he tapped out on his phone. He hadn’t talked to this lawyer since the divorce proceedings, but he knew he’d get a kick out of this one. “I’ve seen more constitutional violations with my own eyes in just the past hour than a prison guard at Abu Ghraib.” He pressed send, slid the phone into his pocket, and tried to focus. The children had thankfully transitioned to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Still ridiculous, but not as … well, illegal. He couldn’t believe he’d come all this way just to be marginalized. He’d been marginalized in his family, and now he’d been marginalized by his country.
Just a few seconds later, his phone beeped. Joe ran his hands over the side to turn off the volume. The text was from his lawyer, and it simply said:

I’m curious. Let’s talk tomorrow.

 

Seasons Greetings, Titty-Titty-Gun-Gun! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 2)

Welcome back to The Superficial review of Sarah Palin‘s new book Good Tidings and Great Joy where her ghostwriter details the quitting governor’s thoughts on The War on Christmas, and why good Christians should fight back against liberals who are making sure our government doesn’t advocate a national religion like The Constitution says it shouldn’t. (Everyone knows the only real amendment is the second one anyway, amirite?) So here are two more chapters from “The Establishment Clause? How Does It Work?” written by the rootin’ tootin’est protector of Christmas in America for to you enjoy in the midst of Black Friday shopping and/or nestled safe and sound in your basement where you won’t get beaten for 70% off Pyrex. On a clear day, I can get the news in my knees…

2. KNOWING THE END FROM THE BEGINNING

In this chapter, a leather boots-wearing Sarah Palin always makes sure the local government in Wasilla puts up a Nativity scene while during her time as mayor in the 90s. Much like Going Rogue, this includes exchanges with townfolk that sound too syrupy, saccharine good to be true that naturally there’s no way to verify whether they did or didn’t happen. It’s her signature writing style:

“I don’t know how much longer we’ll get to do this,” he confided. “Cities are getting sued left and right for acknowledging the true meaning of Christmas nowadays. And the local politicians with the guts to to stand up to the protests are caving in like an Alyeska avalanche.”
I’d already heard the preemptive defense some of our Rotarians had prepared in case they needed to counter any criticism. It had become the hip thing that year across America to force anyone and everyone to abort Christ from Christmas. “Let me fight for you, Mr. Newcomb,” I said. “Tradition and truth are on our side. What’s the worst that can happen? Some yahoo from outside Alaska gets wind of this and sues? Shoot, no one ‘outside’ has even heard of Wasilla. Let’s do this, and be assured I have your back. I know you have mine.”

Did you catch all that? No one even knows where Wasilla is, so it’s perfectly okay to say fuck the Constitution and non-Christians under our little rock where no one will ever find them, muahahahaha. Put that arrow in your Sarah Palin’s Guide to Circumventing Decency Quiver alongside this next gem: About to get sued for your Nativity scene? Throw some Rudolph in that shit and, BOOM, secular holiday display.. defeating all the words she already wrote and will write about how that’s bad. But whatevs! And if that doesn’t work, sue the bastards which flies in complete contradiction to the previous chapter where Sarah Palin complains about lawsuits. Although, she does have a point because there are okay odds that some circuit judge will not only let you keep your Nativity scene, but also won’t make you put up other religious symbols in a spirit of inclusion because, c’mon, Kwanzaa? That sounds made up.

As to the point of all this, if we don’t stop atheists now – and this is Sarah Palin’s actual, 100% point – America will become Soviet Russia because atheism always cause bad shit to happen while Christianity always causes good shit. There is absolutely zero historical evidence that can refute that. None. And don’t even bring up the Spanish Inquisition because Sarah Palin will tell you atheism’s track record makes it “seem like Disneyland.” The good part with all the rides, I’ll assume she means, and not Epcot with all the science and learning. That’s a recipe for Communist chili, you betcha.

3. THE REAL THING

I’ll give Sarah Palin(‘s ghostwriter) this. She knows how to paint the picture of a quintessential Christmas. I grew up in the woods of northeastern Pennsylvania, so whenever someone starts talking about snow-covered trees and pastries on Christmas morning I get a nostalgia boner. I’m not gonna lie. I had great Christmases as a kid even while being in every Christmas pageant at our church, and sitting through Christmas Eve service with my cousins just waiting to go back to my house to meet my grandparents (They went to a different Presbyterian church that they’d gone to for decades the next town over.) for meatballs and crab dip while going apeshit over what loot we might get the next morning. And as much as I enjoyed these Christmases, and still have fond memories of them and the traditions I’ll carry on with my own family, I would never even think to force someone to look at them and say this is the only good and right way to spend December because I grasp the concept that other cultures exist and am also not a dick.

Sarah Palin is a dick.

Because her Christmases are snow-covered Norman Rockwellian affairs steeped in Evangelical Christianity, why shouldn’t the government force everyone to observe the symbol of her religion in tax-funded schools and buildings? Have you tasted her cinnamon buns?! They’ll make you toss Hanukkah in an oven. (Poor choice of words.) Even worse than Sarah’s logic and lack of concern for other cultures who, by the why, she’ll point out are still free to “hum songs of gratitude to Mother Earth while taking turns hugging bark on December 25″ (actual quote) or whatever those “other” religions do, is her understanding of history. And here’s where you get to see the mental gymnastics involved in reconciling known, indisputable facts about the origins of Christianity with your worldview that its magic is totally real, you guys. Sarah Palin argues, if all those ancient Pagan myths and symbols were so great, why was it so easy for Christianity to steal them for Christmas and become the main religion of Rome? Clearly, real live supernatural forces triumphed here, and not, oh I dunno, the vast weight of empire that decided, “Hey, we’re doing this now and you’ll like it.” Or in Sarah Palin’s words:

Does that mean Christians won the “war on Saturnalia”? You bet.

Later, Ulysses S. Grant made Christmas a holiday because as Sarah points out:

In this country, our federal holiday does not honor the agricultural gods of Rome or the pagan rituals of the winter solstice.

Which sounds reasonable because she’s only mentioning those goofy pagans Christianity stole a bunch of their shit from and not say Islam, Buddhism, Judiasm, Sikhism, or any other religions that a vast amount of Americans subscribe to who she’s basically telling to eat a dick because, c’mon, Christmas is AWESOME. How can you not love it? Plus it’s totally based on history because there was a guy named Jesus who was born while his parents were traveling back to their hometown because of a census even though there’s no historical record of said census taking place, nor were people required to return to their origin of their birth during them because that makes no fucking sense. But magic powers beat the pagans! PEW PEW PEW!

From there, Sarah Palin points that since America has a federal holiday for Christmas, that makes it a genuine historical event that everyone has to get on board with and stop saying “Happy Holidays” starting with the private sector she loves so much who took until the mid-2000s realized, “Hey, wait a minute, other religions but shit, too?” and through the beauty of the free market that Sarah also loves, they stopped mentioning Christmas specifically in December. Including her beloved Walmart, where dontcha know, she once married a couple as mayor. And it’s amazing that she’s bringing this up because here’s what Sarah Palin wrote in the introduction:

The pundits like to pretend that anyone who belongs to the “Christmas with Christ” version is picking a fight over a nonexistent problem. They trivialize the topic by reducing the whole issue to whether the cashier at the grocery store wishes customers “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays.” They say it’s about whether the kids’ two weeks off in December is called Winter or Christmas break.

THIS IS EVERYTHING SHE BITCHES ABOUT IN THE WHOLE CHAPTER. Because by secularizing Christmas, you take out Jesus, and without Jesus, we’d all be assholes murdering each other in the streets because Christianity is the only way anyone in the history of the world has had a moral compass. Who’s to say what’s wrong without a book telling us it’s shellfish. Shellfish is wrong. What’s that shrimp is delicious? Okay, then just stick the one about gays. And part of that secularization involves commercialization which Sarah Palin rails against by pointing out the lack of the word of Christmas in holiday ads. Bad, commercialization, bad. Sarah Palin doesn’t like what you’re doing to the Baby Jesus.

Or does she and clearly has no idea what the hell’s even in this thing because she didn’t write it? From her TODAY appearance on November 11:

This morning, Palin, while hawking her book, told Matt Lauer, “I love the commercialization of Christmas, because it spreads the Christmas cheer.”

Nnnehhh… ggehhh… nnneennnnh…

 

F*ck Me In The Solstice, Why Did I Do This? A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 3)

We now return to our review of Good Tidings and Great Joy already in progress…

[Ed. Note: Because I hate myself, I've been spending four hours of writing for every one hour of reading, so this is all the intro you're getting. Suck it. - SW]

4. TRUE GRIT

Chapter 4 is all about the genuine “grit” of true American Christians, and before I even wade into that horseshit, I need to point out the deliciously oblivious irony of Sarah Palin using the title of a John Wayne movie when The Duke once wrote a letter to Ronald Reagan, Sarah’s other personal Lord and Savior, chewing him out for deliberately lying about the Panama Canal Treaty. History is fun! Anyway, like every chapter in this book, it starts with Sarah describing another idyllic Alaskan Christmas, only this one has to be more rugged and full of simple, down-home character, so it talks about storing the Christmas decorations under her dad’s ammo reloading bench for next year. Doesn’t everybody store their tinsel next to the bullets? That’s just good, wholesome American values. Now, Bobby, fetch me them little angel ornaments and don’t be shootin’ your baby sister.

From there, Sarah Palin expresses her love for private businesses who “fearlessly” put up proper, Jesus-based Christmas decorations in December which is a bullshit assertion for two reasons: 1. Private businesses have the absolute right to be huge dicks about their faith, and not a single person is arguing against that because, try and follow me here, THEY’RE NOT THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT. 2. As Sarah Palin lays out her guidelines for other businesses to follow suit, one of her main points is that very little people will even have a problem with it, so by that logic, it’s really not that “fearless” than is it? Sad and depressing for anyone hoping to advance society by embracing science so we can get our Starfleet on and fuck aliens, yes, but fearless, not so much.

So here are Sarah Palin guidelines for being a good Christian business because only honoring Christmas, and not respecting those other bullshit religions, is “good for the community, makes financial sense, and is the right thing to do.” A golly gee you betcha.

1. “Your business can reflect your community’s values and traditions.”

Here Sarah Palin starts with a quote from Sam Walton because if she has a third Lord and Savior after Jesus and Reagan, it’s Walmart. Which is just a perfect example because not even a week ago they got caught accepting more food donations for its employees who it doesn’t pay enough and is making work on Thanksgiving instead of having a day off with their families thanks to the expansion of Black Friday. So wholesome “values and traditions” all around. Then again, Thanksgiving didn’t birth a baby messiah into the world, so it can eat a dick. In fact, all it does is give liberals another excuse to whine and complain about how we “stole” this country from Native Americans even though everyone knows they lost it to us fair and square in a card game because of their gambling problem. Also, their spirit animals probably should’ve came up with Manifest Destiny first which is just more proof that Jesus owns all y’all’s shit. USA!

2. “Realize there are actually very few haters and cranks.”

I touched on this before, but here Sarah Palin makes it a point that naturally everyone is going to jump on and ride the hard sweet Jesus power shooting out of your business, so there’s no point in focusing on the very, very few – probably not even real – “haters.” And then she drops another oblivious gem:

Don’t be intimidated by this tiny minority. Just because they’re loud, doesn’t mean they’re right.

You don’t say?

3. “Serve your customers well, and they’ll stick with you when you stick to your principles.”

And now’s the part where Sarah Palin brings up the Chick-fil-A debacle from last summer which I’m not even going to rehash. But her entire point is that since Chick-fil-A is so polite and full of delicious chicken meats, it’s customers were happy to proudly display their shithead bigotry. Which is why your business shouldn’t be afraid to piss in the face of anyone who’s not a straight, Christian Republican because people are “starving for high-quality businesses that also honor the community’s values–and don’t retreat from a fight.” So basically hate. They’re hungry for deep-fried hate. With biscuits.

4. “The media speaks for itself and not the masses. Ignore it.”

Translation: “FOX News fired me, and fuck you, Katie Couric.”

5. BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS

Amazingly, Sarah Palin doesn’t start this chapter with another Alaskan Christmas, but what she does have is more fictional scenarios of a dark, atheist future and another list. She’s really into lists now. This chapter starts out with Sarah speaking at Southeastern University because a fool and his money shall soon be parted. Anyway, she uses that to give herself credentials to pretend she knows anything about the Arab Spring and how democracy didn’t work in Egypt because Islam isn’t Jesus Magic™. Which dovetails into this absolutely rich quote if you know anything at all about the Christian conservative right in America:

A democracy without respect for individual liberty is just a tyranny of the majority.

From there, she starts complaining about schools not pushing Christianity on students which is only weakening our Republic with “Obamaphone vouchers.” Oh, yes, she definitely brought up Obamaphones, the most widely refuted bullshit right-wing talking point of the past four years that even Sarah Palin should’ve known better to use. (If you don’t know, Lifeline is a free phone service started under Reagan for income-eligible citizens. It was expanded to included cellphones under George W. Bush. Even better, IT’S PAID FOR BY THE PHONE COMPANIES.) But Sarah Palin has another list of wisdom to help America get back on track and restore such old-fashioned values as “respect for life” and “love thy neighbor.” Which is ironic for a woman who just spent the previous chapter blowing a chicken joint for hosting a nationwide Hate Thy Neighbor day. As for respect for life, Sarah Palin is pro-death penalty, pro-war, and anti-things that actually keep people alive like food stamps, the Affordable Care Act, diplomacy, and gun control. “Because once your born, fuck you,” as Jesus so often said.

1. “Voters don’t want to give power to someone who doesn’t believe he or she will someday have to answer to the ultimate authority.”

Yes, because voting for someone who thinks Jesus is going to be back any minute now is working out great for everyone. No dire, irreversible consequences there.

2. “Faith has been an amazing force for good in our culture.”

Here is where Sarah Palin literally tries to say American Christianity ended slavery and started the civil rights movement. So just a refresher:

Who preached slavery was God’s will because it’s in The Bible? White southern churches.
Who was against miscegenation? White southern churches.
Who was against desegregation? White southern churches.
Who’s voted Republican ever since Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act? White southern churches.
And just for fun, how did Sarah Palin’s denomination the Assemblies of God start? As a white southern church.

They sure know how to pick their issues. Say, how’s that whole marriage thing going?

3. “Liberals tend to believe people are good, and institutions like the church or the traditional family are actually oppressive. … By contrast, conservatives tend to believe that people aren’t that great to start with. And without faith and family to guide us and reinforce values that often go against our selfish desires, we’ll drift toward our destruction.”

First off, I want Sarah Palin to take a look at the list in the last point, and then tell me the church isn’t oppressive. Without saying gays don’t count! (Or black people which you can practically see ricocheting inside her empty head.) Second, she goes off on liberals for handing out condoms and abortion pills and word salad word salad word salad, which means we don’t necessarily think people are “bad,” we just understand biology. Then again, if you raise your kids in a home filled with traditional, old-fashioned values and God-fearing, Alaskan Christmases, they won’t need condoms or Plan B to begin with. When has that ever backfired?

 

IT’S JESUS’ BIRTHDAY OR ELSE MUSLIMS!!! A Review of Sarah Palin’s Christmas Book (Pt. 4)

Welcome to the final installment of The Superficial review of Good Tidings and Great Joy which, yes, I’m completely willing to accept may have played a part in Paul Walker‘s death. This shit got way out of hand, and God only knows who it’ll claim next if I don’t put an end to it soon. Unless I can somehow aim it… *tries to point post at Chris Brown* No, no, there’s been enough bloodsheed… *tries one more time*

6. SEEING DOUBLE … STANDARDS

If I haven’t mentioned it yet, Sarah Palin fucking loves Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. She mentions it at least once a chapter and almost always in the context of the Christmas spirit transforming Ebenezer Scrooge into a kind, generous employer. And yet this is the same woman whose moose-knuckle turns into a fire hydrant at the mere mention of Walmart, a company that has probably looked into getting slavery back on the books more than once. So in the same vein as A Christmas Carol – and the completely ridiculous Joe McScrooge from chapter one – Sarah Palin takes us to the future of our world because she’s a Highlander now if Highlanders are terrified of diversity. “There can be only one — holiday in December!” *chops off Kwanzaa’s head with a katana*

“VISION OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME … IF THE MILITANT ATHEISTS AND SECULAR LIBERALS HAVE THEIR WAY”

Yup, that was a direct quote.

It’s December 2028, and Sarah Palin pays a surprise visit to her bastard grandson Tripp at University of Alaska Anchorage where he’s naturally there on a hockey scholarship because Palins are gosh darn athletes, Bahby, a dontcha know. While Tripp and his teammates duck out for practice, Sarah is left to wander the campus on our own where, gee golly wilikers, she can’t believe her own eyes. The campus is decorated beautifully with pinecones and candles and brass and silver, but there’s no “traditional” Christmas decorations like candy canes or a tiny little baby hovering above all the other religions vanquishing them with angel beams. Instead, there’s only… diversity! OH NO!

“As we approach the Winter Solstice season, which encompasses holidays celebrated by many faiths, keep in mind the University of Alaska Anchorage is a diverse community and diversity is one of our key educational values.”

“What the fuck is this shit?” thinks Future Sarah Palin. Then she reads a list of upcoming lectures in case, somehow, readers aren’t already freaked out by all the diversity talk. Which let’s be honest, they paid $24.99 for a book about The War on Christmas written by Sarah Palin. They are.

THE CHRISTMAS MYTH: REDISCOVERING THE
PAGAN ROOTS OF A HIJACKED HOLIDAY

FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND LOVE: CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAYS
WITHOUT INVITING THE GODS OF YESTERYEAR

SHOULD YOU TRUST YOUR PARENTS AGAIN?
RECOVERING FROM THE SANTA LIE

Holy fuck on a moose horn, now Future Sarah has to get some answers. Fortunately, she runs into Karly, the “Vice Dean of Respect and Inclusion.” YUP. The shit is on. Future Sarah sets it off by straight dropping the c-bomb on her new nemesis. And by c-bomb I mean Christmas which amazingly doesn’t result in a Sentinel emerging from behind a tree to plasma blast Future Sarah straight to Baby Jesus’ upstairs house.

“While we don’t actually have any ‘Christmas’ activities per se,” she says, “um, this is a very diverse community, I’m sure you’ll be able to find something you’ll enjoy. There’s the Winter Solstice gathering at seven o’clock tonight.”
“What is that exactly?” I ask. “Like, caroling?”
“Well, last year, solstice celebrators had a bonfire, they made a representation of a man out of sticks, and they tucked little pieces of paper into the man’s hand with regrets from the last year. Then they lit it on fire and watched it burn away their shame and guilt,” she says. “Then they had sausages, eggs, and lots of good traditional drink.”
“Oh,” I say. “Well, that sounds … interesting.”

Motherfucking witchcraft! Future Sarah knew it. But surely there has to be some sort of Christian group on campus except it turns out they all voluntarily opted out of participating in UAA’s “inclusive community” because they’d have to be nice to gays and other religions, so now they meet in the cover of darkness off campus. Some say they drink unicorn bloo- wait, wrong book. Now Future Sarah’s pissed because she just wants to hear some fucking carols and doesn’t have time to go off campus to look for non-diverse pillars of Christ, so she bitches at Karly because, as every woman knows, saying something out loud will immediately change a situation to exactly the way you think it should be:

“It used to be that Christmas events happened all over the campus.”
“Yes, but times change,” she says, looking at me with concern or pity. “We don’t have slavery anymore, either.”
What did Miss Karly just say? I inaudibly gulp.

Oh, fuck, they’re teaching college students that shit can change? Future Sarah has had enough. Take her to the multi-faith center. Take her there immediately! But, on the way, let’s stop by a bunch of atheist displays that happened in real life because, here’s some Shymalan shit, the future? It’s now. BRAAAAAAAHMMMMM.

1. A “Holiday” Tree Sale. Neil Degrasse Tyson, would you be so kind?

Holiday derives from Holy Day. So it's etymologically under-informed to assert that "Happy Holidays" does not reference God.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) December 20, 2012

2. A “natural nativity” scene.

3. A Santa crucifixion scene.

But we’ll soon learn that’s not the worst of it because it’s Muslims. Muslims are the worst of it which is why there are exactly as many Muslim examples as there are atheist ones.

1. Foot washing stations.

“Our Muslim students partake in wudu, the ritual ablutions before the prayer sessions. They had a hard time washing their feet in the sinks, so adding foot-washing stations was part of our university renovations. Costly in terms of budget, sure, but here we believe inclusion is, well, priceless.”
I duck my head into the “state-of-the-art” commode and sure enough, along the wall, in the corner, are several “foot baths.”
“How many students uses this ‘priceless’ spigot?”

You spent money on a minority, bitch, how could you?!

2. A banner for Eid al-Adha that just happened to coincide with Thanksgiving during Future Sarah Palin’s visit. She doesn’t list a real word example for this one because it takes place a different time each year so this would never fucking happen, but it fits her theme of other religions being a pain in the ass to good, wholesome American ones where we murder each other on Black Friday for $39 plasmas.

3. Tripp returns to find Future Sarah, and tells her he didn’t get to practice because he was banned from the hockey rink until later in the evening because it was Muslim women exercise time which they don’t feel comfortable doing in front of men. A practice that Harvard made headlines for in 2008 because they want 9/11 to happen again, only this time the terrorists will use the inconvenienced bodies of white Christian men who had to wait an extra hour to use the elliptical machine.

After learning about all this Muslim business – and yeah, okay, whatever, the atheists – Future Sarah finally loses her shit:

“What abouy just your average Joe Six-Pack boring ol’ Christian student feeling welcome and honored?”
“Oh, please,” she says. “The dominant faith in our culture doesn’t need more of an advantage than it already enjoys.”

And then the story ends because, surely, Sarah’s readers are mollified at the thought of their seat of privilege not being hoisted upon with more privilege for, in the words of Jesus, “the demanders of more privilege shall inherit the earth.” Fortunately, Sarah has a better Christmas Yet To Come for you to hope for, and all it takes is no Muslims. Not a single Muslim. You think I’m exaggerating, but this version has carolers, candy cane decorations, Christians and atheists spiritedly debating each other with smiles on their faces because Christians don’t have to be “diverse” or “tolerant,” and not one goddamn Muslim in sight. This utopic future Christmas doesn’t mention them once. There are even Jews and Buddhists commingling with Christians, who will surely convert them with its most bitching holiday, but apparently the lynchpin of Sarah Palin’s ideal Christmas is no Muslims anywhere. Yet she bristles at the end of the chapter that universities, a.k.a. “the government,” has the nerve to teach students that The Bible has been used to justify racism, slavery and the subjugation of women. Which is what happens when you don’t say “Merry Christmas.” Kids learn facts. Real, provable facts. It’s fucking chaos.

7. WHO’D MAKE UP A STORY LIKE THAT?

… You?

The last chapter of Sarah Palin’s book is probably my favorite because it’s so completely pointless and random that there’s nothing for me to even write about. I honestly couldn’t tell you what the point of it is. There’s something about her dad getting food poisoning from canned fish and banging Todd every other Thursday – WHY?! – but barely anything that reinforces the theme of the book except a few sentences at the end where God is awesome and therefore so is his kid’s birthday by default. It’s just a bunch of bullshit strung together to get this thing past 200 pages so idiots will think it’s full of meaningful information. Which, now that I think about it, is the main theme of the book. Never mind.

Fin.

THE SUPERFICIAL | About • Facebook • Twitter

Photos: Getty

i remember a commercial for “dog water” on Ren & Stimpy…i get it

Ho, ho… Oh no!! The Santa Claus Meatloaf is brought to us by Chef Charles Phoenix. Complete with meat face, ketchup hat, and mashed potato beard — it’s the perfect recipe you can try out to help ruin Christmas for everyone.

Especially the kids, who were going to stay up late waiting for this scary meat guy to come sliding down their chimney.

[link, via Incredible Things]

Every year, kids around the world chirp and buzz and otherwise make delightfully adorable noises about how excited they are to get presents from Santa Claus at Christmas. But the holiday reality of actually meeting the man in red? Well, that’s not always a cause for celebration, as these 27 photos of Consumerist readers’ kids clearly demonstrate. You try meeting a large stranger with a bunch of white stuff on his face and see how you’d feel.

We’d like to thank all our generous readers who sent in photos this year — and if you don’t see yours below, it might just have been too small for the collection so feel free to send it in next year. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and all other kinds of warm feelings to you all. Take it away, kids.

Annie, 23 months: “Christmas chaos,” writes mom Mari.

Benji, 1: “We were blindsided because Benji normally loves strangers and regularly approaches and hugs random people,” explains his mom, Karin.

Jack, 4, and his sister, Helena, 1: “Jack is holding Helena’s hand to protect her from the big guy,” says mom Jennifer. “Or he may just be encouraging her to stop crying so they can both get presents.

Ruby, 6 months: “This is Ruby being scared of Santa,” writes mom Lindsey.

Lucas, 3 and Nora, 1: “Can’t really see Nora, but that’s the beauty of it!” says mom Sarah.

Michael, 11 months: “Eleven months old and his first Christmas why would he scream like that?” writes mom Cindy. “It’s not like I’m handing him over to a complete stranger dressed in bright red and with long white whiskers…. oh wait, oops my bad.”

Emily, 11 months, Hannah, 3: “My wife got this a week or so ago while she was shopping,” writes dad Todd. “Sums up our house pretty well.”

Billy Fred, 1 year and one month: “He was perfectly fine while we waited in line but once I put him in Santa’s hands the world had ended,” his mom Becca writes. “They snapped a few pictures and when I picked him up he was completely fine. It was like I never put him down!”

Jackson, 1: “This is his first visit with Santa Claus at a special fundraiser for the Junior League of Portland – I guess he thought we were feeding him to the wolves or something awful – it’s really a shame there’s no audio with the photo….”

Frankie, 3 and Eloise, 1: “We spent about 15 minutes chatting with Santa,” mom Amy explains. “Frankie got a little more brave, but Eloise looked suspicious the whole time. She was not having it. At least she didn’t vomit on him like Frankie did on her gingerbread house.”

Harper, 6 months: “She is 6 months old and absolutely hates Santa Claus,” her mom Brittney writes. “This her second time sitting on his lap and without fail, she screams. Santa doesn’t look like he’s too thrilled about the experience either.”

Ryan Jr., 6 months

Finn, 17 months: “This is as close as he got to sitting in Santa’s lap,” writes his mom Teresa. “We did get some fair photos with him sitting on the armrest though.”

Evelyn, 17 months: “She promised us ‘I no scream at Santa, mommy!’ ” writes her mom Amy. “Well, she clearly lied to us!”

Charlie-Nadine, 3 months: “Gotta love their first Christmas!” her mom says.

Otto, 2, visiting Santa last year: “He was absolutely excited and thrilled – until the very last minute, when he began to freak out and clutched his lollipop for dear life,” his parents Dan and Kalee write. “We just took him to Santa this year, and he’s over the fear, though he still didn’t quite understand why Santa didn’t have the presents he asked for on the spot…”

Hannah, 6, Joseph, 3 and Sarah, 18 months: “Sarah, the little screamer, was 18 months,” explains dad Joe. “She did NOT want to be there.”

Tyler: “Santa. The S in PTSD,” writes Tyler’s dad Mike.

Penelope, 8 months: “She HATED sitting on Santa’s lap,” her dad Benjamin says. “That’s her brother Everett sitting next to her.”

Madison, 2: “No story, just a great fear of the man in red,” her dad Justin explains.

Emma, 10 months and Logan, 23 months: “As soon as we pulled Logan off Santa’s lap she looked at me and said, ‘I Logan Santa fun.’ I asked her, ‘You thought seeing Santa was fun?’ ” her mom Laura says. “‘ Yes!’ she replied. Looks like a fun time, eh?”

Phyla, 1 and a half.

Sophia, 13 months: “She was hyperventilating for a good 10 minutes after this traumatic experience until Grandma could calm her down,” her mom Sarah explains.

Nathan, 2: “He wanted nothing to do with Santa and Mommys’ demon eyes make it that much funnier,” his mom Erica jokes.

Sunshine, 11: “This ‘child’ is not human but I thought it might fit for your photo gallery, especially since, well, everyone loves a Corgi!” his mom Amy writes. “This pic was taken at a fundraiser for the Louisiana SPCA. I’m pretty obsessed with my dog but I am not quite crazy enough to take her to see Santa if it’s not for charity!”

Claire, 6 and Olivia, 2: “This photo is from 2007 at a church Christmas breakfast in Moses Lake, Washington,” dad Nathan writes.

Mason, 1 and Olivia, 3: “They were not fans of Santa this year!” writes mom Kaitlin.

Pre-show notes:

- Want to get me a Christmas present? Share this week’s column:

Alternately, get me one of those NXT shirts people are always wearing. How do you even get one of those?

- Happy (upcoming) holidays, everybody. The NXT column will be on hiatus for a week, because next Wednesday is Christmas, but it’ll be back the week after that. Yes, I will try to find a way to work a Cesaro vs. Regal review into that column anyway.

- Here’s a link to this week’s episode.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.

Please click through to enjoy The Best and Worst of the 200th episode of WWE NXT.

There are only four more shopping days until Christmas, folks, so if you have a loved one in your life that has injected so much bull shark testosterone and sent so many unsolicited dick-pics to porn stars that their phone is starting to evaporate, you’ll be interested to know that I’ve found them THE PERFECT GIFT. Enter: War Machine’s clothing line ALPHA MALE SHIT.

You know War Machine, the MMA fighter who loves a good rape joke, punches himself in the face to keep himself from murdering people on the Internet and declares his significant other PROPERTY OF WAR MACHINE. Now you too can be property of That Guy be patronizing his clothing line, seen here.

I really cannot emphasize how real this is, and how we are not making it up. Here are a few of my favorites from the Spring Collection:

This is just some funny ass, not giving a f*ck, craziness!! Definitely not for the faint of heart! The “C” is at least in semi code…if someone knows what the “C” is they either take it, have looked into taking it, or know someone who does take it…so f*ck what they say about your shirt!

Spoiler alert: “Cypionate” means “reading books.”

Because “freedom of speech” in today’s world means: You can say anything that you want to AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T OFFEND ANYONE! Well I think that is f*cking BULLSHIT! that is not what FREEDOM is! That is not what FREEDOM OF SPEECH means!!! “Politically Correct” really is some COMMUNIST BULLSHIT!!!

Hey Drew Magary, can you ask War Machine what he thinks about gay people so we can get him suspended from the Internet?

In honor of UFC and PRIDE legend “The New York Bad Ass” Phil Baroni, Alpha Male Shit is proud to offer you this signature T-shirt capturing the famous words which he shouted after one of his most brutal UFC knock outs. !!!!!THIS SHIRT IS AVAILABLE NOW FOR PRE-ORDER!!!!

This sincerely looks like something Jon Bois would design.

Every boy aspires to be big, tough, intelligent and strong and it is essential that we nurture those aspirations and help him along in his journey. Teach him what it means to be a MAN, teach him why it is important to be one, and let him spread his teachings to his friends at school by sending him to class in this bad ass lil’ T!

“Want your bad ass little boy to get the crap beaten out of him every time he goes to school? Give him this shirt that says he’s better than everybody else. That’ll give him a rational thought process!”

Strong women are important to the world and they always have been, even back when they had no “rights.” Women are the gate keepers to the future, THEY select what genes will be spread to the next generation and THAT is much MORE IMPORTANT than any bullshit vote that they may cast on any bullshit ballot! A strong, smart woman is essential to raising strong, smart children and every REAL MAN NEEDS a strong, smart woman to come home to. In the movie “300″ the Persian tells Leonidas,” What makes this woman think she can speak among us men?!” Leonidas’ queen responds, “Because only SPARTAN women give birth to REAL MEN!!” And now nothing more needs to be said about this.

No words. They should’ve sent a poet.

(Also, is that the same font we use?)

I am considering buying the entire line and wearing it ironically, and/or just shooting myself up with Draino and punching everybody I meet. One or the other.

Thanks for the heads up, Vince.

Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade proposed to his model and actress girlfriend Gabrielle Union on Saturday, and while I’m not sure how he did it, I assume that it was really fancy and nice because he sleeps on a giant pile of money. But if you want to know just how much Wade loves the star of Bad Boys II, look no further than that giant diamond on her finger. Seriously, look at that freaking thing – it’s absurd!

Here’s a closer look:

And an even closer look:

And now here’s the appropriate reaction for every guy out there who was also thinking about a holiday proposal:

Alternate Headline For Old Time’s Sake: “Gabrielle Union Now Has One Less Ring Than LeBron James.” I miss when he wasn’t playing for a dynasty.

(Image via Getty)

Country store and restaurant Cracker Barrel filled display stands once more with "Duck Dynasty" merchandise on Sunday, only two days after removing the products in the wake of a cast member's anti-gay comments and his subsequent suspension from the A&E show.

From Chicago

[Photographs: Amber Gibson]

I recently had a chance to sit in on a menu tasting with Chefs Cory Morris and Jose Garces at Mercat a la Planxa. Garces said that he was particularly impressed with Morris' vegetarian dishes, as was I, so I knew I had to come back and try them all once they were on the official menu.

Mercat is a great place for vegetarians to dine because the expansive tapas menu has such a strong vegetable selection. Under "verduras," there are seven dishes that could easily comprise a filling and flavorful meal. Even the traditional tapas section of the menu has vegetarian bites sprinkles in, including a Truita de Patata ($10) Spanish omelette with spinach, potatoes and saffron aioli and Pimientos de Padrón ($7), flash-fried padrón peppers sprinkled with sea salt and served with salbitxada for dipping. The Catalan sauce is like romesco but with lots of sweet garlic. Add in some cheese for those who eat dairy, and dessert, and you have a full-blown feast.

Quinoa amb Calabaza ($12) is a new addition to the menu, consisting of red and white quinoa, roasted squash, toasted pumpkin seeds, raw brussels sprouts and crème fraîche served at room temperature and dressed with a sherry vinaigrette. The salad sounds simple, but is so good I'd be happy eating a big bowl of this for my meal. Unlike many tapas, which are meant to be nibbled at with a collection of other dishes, this quinoa has it all from a flavor and nutrition perspective. In his initial tasting with Garces, Morris presented a version of this dish with fried brussels sprout leaves, but decided to switch to raw leaves for a fresher and healthier appeal.

[Photograph: Amber Gibson]

Coliflor amb Mostassa ($10) was one of my favorite dishes from the tasting and Garces loved it too, so it stayed pretty much the same, only with a liberal addition of paprika bread crumbs. Roasted cauliflower is tossed with pickled mustard seeds and golden raisins, then topped with bread crumbs and served over creamy goat cheese, which acts as a nice foil for the sweet raisins.

Desserts are strong here as well, and Morris doesn't have a pastry chef so they are all his own creation. A couple of my favorites include a saffron vanilla custard with white wine poached apricots, olive oil, and sea salt with its tasty savory notes and Xocolate y Avellana ($12). Chocolate and hazelnuts sound so pedestrian, but this is a surprisingly unique twist on the familiar flavor combination. The 70 percent dark chocolate cremeux tastes even better as the espresso granita and white chocolate sorbet melt into it, and I love the whole hazelnuts studding the paper thin croquant.

Pro Tip: There are no vegetarian paellas on the menu, but if you ask nicely when making your reservation, Morris is happy to cook one up for you with roasted red peppers, caramelized cipollini onions, and roasted tomato from his escalivada. After making a sofrito from those vegetables, he would add piquillo peppers, crispy eggplant and a fresh parsley salad with confit artichokes and cherry tomato.

Everyone in the world is turning into an entitled psychopath, which led to a massive surplus in the 2013 cry-baby market. It was a crowded field out there this year, and while it's true that all of the contenders were infantile and pathetic, who was the biggest cry-baby of them all? We'll let you decide.

Below are the ten cry-babies who received the most votes over the last year. Cast your vote for the worst of the worst at the bottom of this page to decide who will receive the Cry-Baby of the Year trophy pictured above. 

Cry-Baby #1: Olga Rozhoav

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The incident: A teacher saved a class of children from a burning building. 

The appropriate response: Congratulating her. Possibly even giving her some kind of award or a medal or something.

The actual response: She was fired. 

Back in July, Michelle Hammack was working at Little Temples Childcare in Jacksonville, Florida. 

While her children were taking their afternoon nap, Michelle smelled burning and went to investigate. In the daycare's kitchen, she discovered a small fire in the oven. When she opened the oven door, the smoke caused the fire alarm to go off.

She went back to her classroom, woke up her kids, and led them outside to safety. 

As other teachers did a head count, Michelle went back inside the building to make sure there were no children left. While inside, she realized that the fire was small enough for her to deal with, and extinguished it herself. 

When she went to work the next day, she was fired. 

Speaking to Action News Jackson, Olga Rozhoav, the owner of the daycare said, “I fired her only because she left her room. Even though children are sleeping, the teachers are supposed to be there. It’s not acceptable, and if anybody else does the same thing, I will fire again. I will fire them. No question.”

Cry-Baby #2: Austin Davis

The incident: Someone farted in a car. 

The appropriate response: Either laughing or being quietly repulsed, depending on how fun you are. 

The actual response: Unable to determine which of his three children was responsible for the fart, Austin Davis (pictured above) beat all of them.

Earlier this year, Austin, whose head is shaped exactly like an upturned dreidel, was driving with his three children in DeLand, Florida. At some point during the journey, one of the kids farted. 

Austin flew into a rage, and demanded to know which of the kids was responsible. All three refused to talk (go kids!), so Austin removed his belt and beat them with it (boooooo, dad!).

A female relative took photos of the children's injuries and gave them to local police, who arrested Austin and charged him with three counts of aggravated battery. 

According to police, the photos showed a six-year-old with "dark bruising to the legs, buttocks, and thighs," a 12-year-old with "dark bruises on his legs and thighs," and a nine-year-old refused to have pictures of his bruises taken because he feared retaliation if his dad found out he'd told on him.

Cry-Baby #3: Kimberly Hall

The incident: A woman thought that some girls her sons were friends with on Facebook were dressed too provocatively. 

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: She went on to her sons' profiles and blocked all of the girls she thought were too slutty from their accounts.

Last week, Christian blogger Kimberly Hall wrote a blog post called "FYI (if you’re a teenage girl)." The blog post, which is in the form of an open letter, is addressed to the female friends of her three teenage sons (pictured above). 

She opens the letter with the not-at-all-creepy revelation that she and her family sometimes spend the evening looking through the Facebook pictures of her sons' female friends. "Dear girls," she wrote. "I have some information that might interest you. Last night, as we sometimes do, our family sat around the dining-room table and looked through your social media photos."

However, recently she has been noticing a startling, slutty new trend with the photos teenage girls are posting: "It appears that you are not wearing a bra. I get it—you’re in your room, so you’re heading to bed, right? But then I can’t help but notice the red carpet pose, the extra-arched back, and the sultry pout. What’s up? None of these positions is one I naturally assume before sleep, this I know."

Then she drops some hard biology facts on the reader, "I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage boys seeing you only in your towel. Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t ever un-see it? You don’t want [my sons] to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?"

And this has left her with only one choice: she is blocking any girl who she sees posting anything she deems inappropriate, "in our house, there are no second chances, ladies. If you want to stay friendly with the Hall men, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent. If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video—even once—you’ll be booted off our on-line island."

For some reason, she thinks this is punishment for the blocked girls, because being blocked by her means they will never get a chance to be married to one of her three super desirable sons, "Every day I pray for the women my boys will love. I hope they will be drawn to real beauties, the kind of women who will leave them better people in the end. I also pray that my sons will be worthy of this kind of woman, that they will be patient—and act honorably—while they wait for her."

But there's hope. She ends the letter, which, amazingly, is accompanied by a picture of her sons with no shirts on, by offering the women who haven't yet been blocked a chance to redeem themselves: "Girls, it’s not too late! If you think you’ve made an on-line mistake (we all do—don’t fret—I’ve made some doozies), RUN to your accounts and take down anything that makes it easy for your male friends to imagine you naked in your bedroom."

So, if anyone reading this is friends with any of these kids, what're you waiting for? RUN and delete those pictures of yourselves in towels and pajamas. If you play your cards right, maybe you can one day have this fucking nutcase as a mother-in-law. 

Cry-Baby #4: Diana Medley

The incident: A school prom was organized and gay students who attend the school were invited. 

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: A teacher joined forces with some students, parents, and other dickheads to organize their own separate, straights-only prom. 

In February, a special education teacher named Diana Medley at Sullivan High School in Sullivan, Indiana announced she was organizing a straights-only prom as an alternative to the school's official, inclusive one. Speaking to a local news channel about the bigoted event, Diana (pictured above, visibly evil) said, "we don't agree with homosexuality. It's offensive to us."

Diana, who is probably also a secret racist, then added, “I don’t believe they were born that way, I think life circumstances made them choose that. I think God made everybody equal… I have kids come to me because of their sexual preference. And they know I don’t agree with it, but care about them. And the same thing for special needs. God puts those people in our life for special reasons.”

Diana was then asked if she felt gay people had a purpose in life, to which she responded, "I personally don't, I'm sorry."

Speaking of the prom, futuristically-named high school student Kynon Johnson said that the bigoted group hoped to make their prom a "good prom," that would get "more people to follow what they believe."

As a result of her comments, Diana was suspended by the school district.

Cry-Baby #5: James Ruiz

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The incident: A drunk driver caused a car crash that killed two teenage girls.

The appropriate response: Prison, a lifetime of remorse.

The actual response: The drunk driver sued a bunch of people, claiming that he wasn't responsible for the accident. 

The crash happened back in 2010, when James Ruiz (pictured above) drove his friend's truck into a car carrying Deshauna Peshlakai, 17, and Del Lynn Peshlakai, 19, killing both of them. At the time of the crash, James was nearly three times over the legal drinking limit.

This was made even more illegal by the fact that James was out on parole at the time, awaiting trial for his fourth DUI. 

He was convicted of vehicular manslaughter and sentenced to 40 years in prison. During the trial, he attempted to pass blame on to the district attorney, saying that if they hadn't taken so long to imprison him for the other DUIs, he would not have been free to cause the accident. 

He's currently serving his sentence at the Western New Mexico Correctional Facility. Which is where, back in March, he filed several lawsuits from.

The first targets of his lawsuit spree were Applebee's and the Blue Corn Cafe, which are the two restaurants where he was drinking the night of the crash. He claims that the restaurants, by agreeing to serve him alcohol, generated "mental anguish," "emotional distress," and "loss of enjoyment of life."

Next up was his friend (well, probably ex-friend by now) Gilbert Mendoza, who James claims was negligent in allowing him to drive his truck while drunk (which he definitely was, though James doesn't deserve to get any money out of it).

And, finally, in another lawsuit, James sued his attorney, because he thinks his sentence is too harsh. 

Cry-Baby #6: Michelle Rowlinson

The incident: A boy went into a store to buy Band-Aids for his friend who had fallen over.

The appropriate response: Nothing. 

The actual response: The boy's mother contacted her local newspaper to complain that her son had been forced to pay for the Band-Aids. 

In early September, 12-year-old Charlie Rowlinson was out playing with his 13-year-old friend Ed in Stapenhill, England. At some point, Ed fell and gashed his knee. 

Charlie and Ed went to a local shop called Wendy's News to buy Band-Aids and a bottle of water to rinse the wound. As is standard practice in shops, they were charged a monetary amount ($1.50) in exchange for the goods. 

Charlie then went home and told his mother Michelle what had happened. Outraged that her son had been forced to take part in a system that has existed for the last 100,000 years or so, Michelle contacted her local paper, The Burton Mail, to complain it.

“In my opinion it’s disgraceful that they charged him to clean himself up when he went in hurt," she told the paper. “If he had come to my house, I wouldn’t have charged him for water."

The Burton Mail contacted the shop, and, for some reason, owner Karen Taylor felt she had to defend herself: “My mom was working at the time. She said the two boys came into the shop and asked if we had any plasters [Band-Aids]. She took them into the corner and showed them the plasters, so I assumed they wanted to pay for them as they had already got the money out."

They didn’t ask for help. They came back in and asked for tissues, and she told him to help himself to some kitchen roll on the side. He then came back in and bought a bottle of water.”

Cry-Baby #7: William Leak

The incident: A man was fired from his job as a caretaker.

The appropriate response: Nothing, if your dismissal was warranted. Seeking legal help if you feel you were unjustly terminated. 

The actual response: The fired man slit the throats of his former employer's dogs. 

William Skyler Leak (pictured above) was fired from his job as a caretaker at a stable in Fort Worth, Texas last August.

According to Fort Worth Police, William was let go because "the owner didn't like his work performance." William was told to clear out the on-site mobile home he'd been living in and leave. William refused, and ended up squatting in the trailer for a month until the owner was able to get a court order forcing him out. 

The next night William returned to his former workplace and broke in. Once inside, he slit the throats of two border collies. He then stuck a note to a bulletin board inside the stable in which he called the double dog murder "absolutely beautiful."

"The sweet surrender as they looked into my eyes," the note read, "It was breathtaking." The note ended with a warning to his former employer, “If you ever try to find me, you will be in the same situation as your dogs.”

William was found and charged with two counts of animal cruelty. He pleaded guilty and is currently serving a five-year prison sentence.

Cry-Baby #8: The neighbors of the Giesegh family

The incident: A family in Colorado installed a wheelchair ramp on their home. 

The appropriate response: Nothing. 

The actual response: Their neighbors are threatening to take legal action against them. 

Vincent and Heidi Giesegh have a 16-year-old daughter with cerebral palsy. Because of this, they installed a wheelchair ramp on their home. 

In an interview with Louisville's 11 News, Vincent said, "We're trying to do our best to assist our daughter with her daily needs to get in and out of the house." He continued, "As she goes into her spastic modes, we could just tumble down the stairs and both of us could get massively hurt."

But, really, he doesn't need to explain any of that. Having a ramp on your house if someone who lives there needs one is a no-brainer. 

According to the Gieseghs, their neighbors got in touch at some point in October asking them to remove the ramp because they were afraid it would lower the value of their property. They said that if the Gieseghs refused, they would take legal action against them.  

11 News tried to speak to the neighbors to get their side of the story, but they declined to comment. 

Cry-Baby #9: Gail Horalek

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The incident:  A girl read The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank as part of a school project.

The appropriate response: Realizing that the people who died in the Holocaust are just like you and just how lucky you are to be growing up with so many nice things, etc.

The actual response: The girl's mother filed a formal complaint with her daughter's school, complaining that the book was "pornographic."

Back in April, the 11-year-old daughter of Gail Horaleck was reading The Diary of a Young Girl by noted-potential-Belieber Anne Frank as part of a school project. Something Gail initially thought was "awesome."

This was until her daughter came to her and said she was concerned about some passages in the book. Specifically, a passage in which Anne talks about her genitals:

"Until I was eleven or twelve, I didn't realize there was a second set of labia on the inside, since you couldn't see them. What's even funnier is that I thought urine came out of the clitoris… When you're standing up, all you see from the front is hair. Between your legs there are two soft, cushiony things, also covered with hair, which press together when you're standing, so you can't see what's inside. They separate when you sit down and they're very red and quite fleshy on the inside. In the upper part, between the outer labia, there's a fold of skin that, on second thought, looks like a kind of blister. That's the clitoris."

Gail felt that this was too much for an 11-year-old girl (who, presumably, also has labia 'n stuff) to be reading, claiming that they "may as well be reading pornography." 

So, she contacted the school and filed a formal complaint, before contacting her local news station and telling them about it. She said if the school doesn't pull the book as a result of her complaint, she will take further action until they do. 

Despite the fact that her child is sheltered and she is literally trying to ban a book, Gail told Northville Patch, “It doesn’t mean my child is sheltered, it doesn’t mean I live in a bubble and it doesn’t mean I’m trying to ban books.”

Cry-Baby #10: Park Elementary School

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The incident: A kid chewed his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun.

The appropriate response: Nothing. 

The actual response: The Pop-Tart customizing child was suspended from school. 

In July, seven-year-old Josh Welch was eating a Pop-Tart during breakfast at Park Elementary School in Baltimore, Maryland. According to his teachers, Josh chewed the Pop-Tart into a shape and pointed it at another student, while saying, "Bang, bang!"

Speaking of the incident on the local news, Josh said, "All I was trying to do was turn it into a mountain but, it didn't look like a mountain really, and it turned out to be a gun kinda. It was already a rectangle and I just kept on biting it and biting it and tore off the top and it kinda looked like a gun, but it wasn't."

Which, obviously, is all bullshit. What kind of a seven-year-old boy tries to make a mountain out of a Pop-Tart? And how do you fail at a mountain and end up with a gun? And why would you point a mountain at someone and say "bang bang"? There's so many holes in that story. If he's gonna go on TV and lie to everyone, he should have maybe taken the, like, ten seconds it would have taken to think of something more convincing than, "It was a banging mountain!" Come on, man. 

Obviously Josh doesn't need to lie about this anyway, because making a Pop-Tart gun is not a big deal. If anything, a mountain-shaped Pop-Tart would be more dangerous than a gun-shaped one because it would have at least one sharp edge. (Assuming he was going for the traditional mountain shape, and not like, Table Mountain or Ayers Rock or something.) 

Anyway, Josh was removed from the class, and suspended for two days. And his fellow students were sent home with a letter for their parents explaining that there had been an "incident" at school that day. A letter I would've totally framed if I'd received it. 

- - 

Which one of this lot is the biggest cry-baby of 2013? Let us know in this poll down here and I will make sure the trophy gets sent their way.

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

Previously: Cry-Baby of the Year 2012

Winner: Ashley Taylor, who pressed assault charges against a man because he snatched a microphone out of her hand. 

@JLCT

Being a grown-ass adult and having hushed, fumbling sex in your childhood bedroom (or what's left of it after your parents turned it into an opium den with a sex swing and four different colors of lava lamp) beautifully encapsulates the holiday season, a time of year when a bunch of people with long histories of being terrible to each other get together and pretend as if nothing untoward is happening. But untoward stuff is happening all over the place, and the ancient cat still prowling around your parents house is watching all of it, making notes for a memoir entitled, "My People, or How I Became an Inveterate Carpet Vomiter."

Read more...

Years ago a cute girl walked into the record store where I worked. That was not remarkable. What was remarkable was this: She started talking to me. Not only that, but when I rang her up, she asked me out. This sort of thing simply did not happen to me. I was giddy. She suggested we go to a punk show that some of her friends were playing that weekend. I couldn’t say yes fast enough. We exchanged numbers, and she said she’d pick me up Friday night. If I’d been a religious person, I would have thanked God for the stroke of good luck.

As it turned out, God did not deserve my thanks. After we arrived at the venue that Friday, an odd feeling crept over me. Why was a punk show being held in a well-lit unit of a suburban office park? Why were there so many parents ...

Check out this gender role-swap video from the comedic team The Flip Side — comedians take the usual roles of men and women during the holidays and, er, flip them in situations like tree buying, attending a party, celebrating a new engagement and present swapping. Guys on friend's new engagement: "How did it happen, tell us everything." Girls on engagement? "Hey, I heard you got engaged?" "Yeah." BACK TO THE GAME ON TV.

Read more...

Slate has a must-read about the history of Chicago's infamous so-called "welfare queen' Linda Taylor. [ more › ]

The food-stuffed-inside-another-food craze appeared to have reached its pinnacle with the Turducken and the Pumpple. That was before the culinary monstrosity that is the Cthurkey — a turkey stuffed with octopus.

Inspired by H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu – the surf and turf was actually created a few years ago by Rusty Eulberg, a database administrator from Lubbock, Texas.

It wasn’t until the Cthurkey reared its ugly head again on Twitter, where it went viral, and started giving everyone awesome ideas for Christmas Dinner.

[link, via Gothamist]