IKEA Monkey

I don’t know what “adjust your cute levels for maximum cute” is supposed to mean, but who cares, ARE YOU SEEING THIS VIDEO? (Via DailyPicks.)

Early Monday evening, a hole was blown into the Internet after the Village Voice published an interview with Jim DeRogatis that made it impossible to laugh away the severity of R. Kelly‘s numerous statutory rape accusations. It was a situation that most publicists would’ve advised their clients to let blow over except R. Kelly is an egomaniac so naturally he shoved his face right in it and made sure everyone knows the small amount of fucks he has to give about it. Via HuffPost:

“Well I feel like I got the football, man, I’m running towards the touchdown and stopping and looking back, mess around, I’ll get tackled,” he said. “And I also want my fans and everybody out there to know that I really appreciate everybody’s support from the very beginning of my career. But as you know, when you get on top of anything, it’s very windy up there.”
“It’s not just about getting on top, it’s about holding your balance once you get up there…You have to be spiritually a climber. So I feel good about ‘Black Panties’… As long as I got my fans screaming my name around the world and buying my records, and supporting R. Kelly, everybody who doesn’t agree with it should listen to the last song on ‘Black Panties’ [‘Shut Up’].”

That was R. Kelly using a football analogy to downplay accusations of rape. The first sport that popped into his head was football. I can’t possibly imagine why that was the case. You almost never see football and rape in the same sentence. It’s practically unheard of.

Photo: Getty

Editor's Note: From the Archives revisits popular existing recipes from our archives.

[Photographs: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt]

Do you ever come across one of those days where you shower like normal in the morning,* sit down to work, then an hour later, feel like you need to shower again even though you haven't done anything worth showering for? I'm convinced that those days are what happens when an overabundance of recently-consumed pork fat is trying to make its way back out of your body to wherever it is that pork fat all ends up.

*and by "shower like normal" in my case I mean "take an hour long bath while you answer emails."

What I'm saying is, I certainly love me some porchetta, but even I've got to admit that sometimes all of that richness and intense pork fat can be a little overwhelming. So what to do for a festive holiday centerpiece that has a more reasonable fat content but is still mega juicy, delicious, and, yes, porky? The crown roast of pork.

Essentially composed of a series of pork chops all strung together into a pretty crown, it's the best pork option for those who prefer their pork a little leaner and like meat with a distinct chew and texture.

Take a quick gander over at the process here, or jump straight to the recipe if you don't need any more convincing.

About the author: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt is the Chief Creative Officer of Serious Eats where he likes to explore the science of home cooking in his weekly column The Food Lab. You can follow him at @thefoodlab on Twitter, or at The Food Lab on Facebook.

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A second lab test of the late actress Brittany Murphy's hair samples shows there were unusually high levels of heavy metals and toxins in her system, fueling speculation of foul play once again.

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Do not assume that it is safe to leave your home simply because you don’t see any snow or evidence of ice. Think once. Think twice. Think be careful of the wind, it can be pretty strong! (Via LaughingSquid.)

Who knew that the elevators in Atlanta’s MARTA rail stations had become a haven for those in need of a semi-private place to relieve their aching bladders? Obviously the people who have complained enough about the problem to convince the Rapid Transit Authority to deploy a urine-detection system.

WSB-TV reports that the program — supposedly the first of its kind — is currently being tested in a single elevator in a Midtown Atlanta train station. It apparently uses sensors to detect when someone has decided to go #1 somewhere between floors 2 and 3.

“If somebody was to urinate in here, there’s going to be a splash factor. It would splash and it would sense,” explains MARTA’s director of elevators and escalators, which sounds like a fun job until you go back and re-read what he just described and realize that this is what he has to deal with all day.

The urine detection device (or UDD) somehow detects that micturating is occurring and it sounds an alarm intended to bring the MARTA police and deal with the baddie with the bad bladder.

In the month since the one test UDD was put into place (along with a sign warning people about the UDD’s existence), MARTA says there has only been one incident and that elevator violator was arrested. Before the UDD, MARTA says this particular elevator was being urinated in on a daily basis.

Based on that success, MARTA will begin rolling out UDDs to other elevators in the coming months at a cost of $10,000 a pop.

We wonder if it’s the UDD’s sensors that are keeping potential urinators from doing their business or if MARTA could save a lot of cash and just install signs saying there is a UDD in the elevator, much like the people who put up alarm company window stickers without actually having a home security system, or the pools with empty warnings about a chemical in the water that will create a cloud of colored water around someone who couldn’t be bothered to hit the restroom.

If your child isn’t old enough for the iPad potty chair and you simply can’t wait to prop her up in front of a tablet screen at close range, there’s always another option: the Apptivity seat from Fisher-Price. It’s an iPad chair for kids from birth until toddlerhood. It’s an improvement over the potty-seat version in that it was not explicitly designed as a toilet.

This is a real thing and it’s available from Amazon, where the reviews from non-customers are scathing.

Our heroes over at the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood are campaigning to get this product pulled from the market, after they already named the potty chair one of the worst toys of the year.

To be fair, the iPad is only one of several entertainment options while your little one is in the bouncy seat. There is also a mirror, or you could strap your baby in and encourage it to look at its surroundings.

(via The Worst Things For Sale)

[Photograph: Jennifer May]

Amy Thielen's recently released cookbook, The New Midwestern Table, has more than a few recipes involving cabbage. (This fact is not terribly surprising, given the hardy vegetable's ability to withstand even the harshest of Midwestern winters.) Most are simple, familiar preparations—steamed, simmered, and slawed. But one rendition in particular caught my eye: A crisp, sautéed version flecked with poppy seeds and scented with ginger sounded light, fresh, and a flavorful contrast to a hearty hotdish or roast.

Why I picked this recipe: I am a big fan of any cabbage-y vegetable once it gets a good sear on it. Throw in ghee and ginger, and I'm even happier.

What worked: I loved the pop of the poppy and sesame seeds amongst the cabbage leaves. Sautéing the cabbage in ghee was a genius move—it adds the warm richness of butter without risking burning.

What didn't: Unless you have a giant, 14-inch-plus skillet, you will definitely want to cook the cabbage in batches to avoid steaming.

Suggested tweaks: You could use any brassica in place of the cabbage here. Brussels sprouts or cauliflower would be especially good.

As always with our Cook the Book feature, we have five (5) copies of The New Midwestern Table to give away this week.

About the author: Kate Williams is a freelance writer and personal chef living in Berkeley, CA. She is a contributor to The Oxford American, KQED's Bay Area Bites, and Berkeleyside NOSH. Follow her @KateHWiliams.

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One of the people from whatever Duck Dynasty continues to be spoke with GQ recently and, if you can believe it, based on the idea of what Duck Dynasty must be that you’ve developed from the images you’ve seen associated with it, he was a racist and homophobic asshole! Here’s just a SWEET LI’L TASTE:

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Hahahaha. WHAT? “It just seems like, to me, as a man, breasts feel like bags of sand and a vagina, well — there’s just so much in there it’s hard to say what it’s like, but, you know, you get it. Right, my man?”  Why are you talking about the desirability of a man’s anus? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHO ARE YOU? PS: WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF! So. That guy, whoever he even is, is having a day that we don’t even have to pretend to care about. HOW WERE YOUR DAYS, THOUGH? Tell meeeee. Wash this distaste-for-anus-as-if-your-stated-preference-should-mean-anything-to-anyone-else taste out of my brain mouth! (Via Dlisted.)

Yesterday the Internet got its first look at HowardCantour.com, a short film that marked the directorial deBeout of Shia LaBeouf, which had previously made the rounds, to some acclaim, at Cannes last year. HowardCantour.com stars Jim Gaffigan as an online film critic, whose interactions at a press junket for a director he used to admire form the backdrop for a bleakly funny rumination on the nature of criticism. It was hailed as a surprisingly sharp, empathetic look at a profession that has not always been kind to LaBeouf—and all in all, an impressive first effort. Naturally, it turned out that LaBeouf stole it.

Shortly after HowardCantour.com was first posted to Short Of The Week (which has since taken it down), BuzzFeed noted the striking similarities between it and Justin M. Damiano, a 2007 comic by Daniel Clowes—a cartoonist of whom LaBeouf is a documented ...

It's time for another round of The Food Lab. Got a suggestion for an upcoming topic? Email Kenji here, and he'll do his best to answer your queries in a future post. Become a fan of The Food Lab on Facebook or follow it on Twitter for play-by-plays on future kitchen tests and recipe experiments.

[Photographs: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt]

It always baffles me when I hear statistics about lamb consumption in the US. Compared to chicken, beef, and pork sales, lamb consumption is a drop in the bucket—two full orders of magnitude lower than chicken consumption. For every 100 pounds of chicken eaten by the average American, we consume less than a single pound of lamb!

And why? It's certainly one of the most delicious meats around, with its, er, meaty texture, and intense flavor. Is it availability? Probably not. Lack of exposure? Maybe. Or is it just that it's often not cooked very well, resulting in an overly gamey flavor and dry texture?

My bet's on the latter, and because I love lamb so hard, I'm going to try my best to remedy that situation, starting with the best way to cook a boneless leg of lamb. I'm talking about a method that delivers mild, flavorful meat with a tender texture and a perfectly rosy medium-rare hue all the way from edge to center, surrounded in a crisp layer of browned, crackly fat.

Sound good to you? Here's how we get there.

Tame the Game

Lamb meat is, by its very nature, gamey and barnyard-y tasting—it's one of the reasons why the meat is not as popular as mild chicken or beef, and while I personally love that funky aroma, when I cook for guests, I find ways to try and keep it at least slightly under wraps. Australian and New Zealand lamb tends to be smaller and milder in flavor than their larger American counterparts, but I prefer the size of American lamb legs. They're more festive, and it makes it much easier to end up with a nice rosy red center and crisp exterior.

But here's the thing: most of the compounds that give lamb—or any meat—its distinct flavor tends to be concentrated in its fat. In fact, if you grind lamb fat into a lean beef hamburger or cook a lean beef steak in rendered lamb fat, you'd swear that you were eating lamb. The lesson? Minimize the fat and you minimize the gaminess.

This is one of the many reasons I prefer cooking boneless lamb legs to on-the-bone roasts.

Boneles lamb advantage #1: By boning out the leg and butterflying it, you get a chance to remove the large pockets of fat (which tend to be localized around a few major intermuscular glands), thereby reducing its gaminess while also making the lamb easier to carve and more pleasant to eat. Exterior crisp fat can be great, but too much soft, greasy interior fat can be excessive, even for a fat lover like myself.

If you ask your butcher to bone out a lamb leg for you (or better yet, just buy it pre-boned), it's short work to reduce the remaining excess fat in there. To do it, work your fingers in between the individual muscle groups (It should be easy to feel where the seams are), locating the pockets of hard fat in and amongst them. Use the tip of a sharp boning or chef's knife to trim it away, leaving the fat around the exterior of the leg.

Flavor Boost

Now that we've gone and tamed all that flavor, it's time to add back some stuff to bump it up again. This brings us to the next advantage of boning out a lamb leg.

Boneless lamb advantage #2: you can season it inside and out.

There are many flavor combinations that go well with lamb—a good North African ras el hanout rub or a slathering of harissa paste with minced garlic. Olive paste with mediterranean herbs. Even plain old salt and pepper, if all you want to taste is the meat.

This time, I'm going with the classic combination of garlic, rosemary, and lemon zest, along with some shallots, which bring their milder allium sweetness to the mix.

Both garlic and onions change in flavor as they're heated and don't really lose their raw, pungent edge and attain sweetness until they hit well into the 300°+ range. Since we're not cooking the interior of our lamb leg beyond a medium to medium-rare 135°F and our aromatic blend is being applied directly to the interior of the roast, it needs to be cooked before it goes on the lamb.

I cook it down in olive oil, adding a pinch of red pepper flakes for heat, and a few minced anchovy filets (another classic lamb pairing). And don't worry, those filets won't taste fishy in the final roast. All they do is boost the meatiness of the lamb by providing a concentrated source of glutamic and inosinic acids, two proteins that trigger our sensation of savoriness.

The final component of the blend is the most important: salt.

Salt is not only essential from a flavor standpoint, but it can greatly impact how much moisture meat retains. While its effects are most prominent in lean, white meats like pork and poultry, red meats can also benefit from an effect called dry-brining. Essentially, salt will dissolve a specific meat protein called myosin, one of the proteins responsible for the shrinkage that occurs when muscles are cooked. By dissolving this protein, you reduce shrinkage, thereby reducing moisture loss.

So, well-salted meat not only tastes juicier because salt triggers saliva production as we chew, but it actually is juicier—measurably so. For white meat, this difference can be greater than 10%. For red meat, it's slightly less, but it's still present, and the better the penetration and the longer you let salted meat rest, the more pronounced the effect will be.

That's why when applying a rub, it's important to really work the salt deep into as many cracks and crevasses as possible. Ideally, you want to let the mixture sit on the lamb for at least a day, though with the low-and-slow cook we're going to do down the line, there's still a good amount of time for that salt to do its magic, even if you decide to cook the leg immediately.

Roll and Tie

With the rub applied, it's time to roll and tie the roast. If you've ever had any sort of thoughts tending towards bondage-type scenarios, this is a great way to work them out. Not that I have. Or something.

What does all that binding tying do for us? Glad you asked.

Boneless lamb advantage #3: an even shape makes for even cooking.

A bone-in leg of lamb resembles a cone, with a very thin tapered end and a fat end. Because of this, cooking it evenly is a nearly impossible task: the meat on the thinner end is inevitably going to cook more than the meat on the fat end. This is fine if you've got an uncle or a strange cousin-type thing who enjoys dry, gray meat—heck, it even lets you question their life choices, making for great family dinner table conversation—but assuming that rare to medium meat is on everybody's agenda, a more or less cylindrical shape is what you're after.

Taking Temps

From previous testing with prime rib, I know that the amount of moisture a piece of meat loses is directly related to the final temperature to which it is cooked. The higher the final temp, the more moisture it loses, and the dryer it tastes.

I also know that higher oven temperatures lead to a bigger temperature gradient within the meat: with a very hot oven, you wind up with a large degree of overcooked meat around the exterior of the roast, which appears as a distinct gray band.

That said, there's a balance to be struck: with lower temperatures, cooking times can get excessively long. I'll generally commit to cooking a prime rib in a 175° to 200°F oven once a year, monitoring it for its 8 to 10 hour cook time. In this case, I found that three hours at 275°F offered my the best balance between good results and a reasonable timeframe.

A good leave-in probe thermometer like the Chefalarm from Thermoworks can be a good early warning system to let you know when your roast is approaching its final temperature, but it's not one that I'd rely on 100%. In my testing, I've found that thermometers with probes on leads tend to give less reliable readings over time (especially if you use them in hot ovens or pinch their cables in oven doors often). It's also impossible to properly gauge where the coolest part of the roast is going to be before it is actually cooked, which means that you need to remove the hot probe and repeatedly test as you approach the last stages of cooking, anyway.

You're better off using the probe as a reminder, but still relying on a good instant read like the Thermapen for the final verification stages.

I like my lamb slightly more well done than I like my beef—a medium/medium-rare 130°F to 135°F is about right. The lamb's internal temperature will continue to rise by about 5°F as it rests outside of the oven, so make sure to take that into account when removing it (you may have noticed I accidentally slightly overcooked mine. I blame the dogs and a finicky photography setup).

Boneless lamb advantage #4: it's easier to take the temperature of a boneless lamb leg. Different materials conduct heat differently. In a lamb leg, the meat is the most efficient heat conductor, followed by the fat. The bone is by far the least efficient, which means that sections of the meat closest to the bone can end up significantly more rare than the rest of the meat. This potentially leads to false-negative temperature readings: if your thermometer's probe is resting too close to the bone, you'll end up accidentally overcooking the rest of the meat.

With a boneless lamb leg, this isn't an issue: the coolest spot in the center of the roast will not be significantly different from the hottest part in the center of the roast.

The lamb is out and perfectly edible, but there's a difference between edible and fan-f&%king-tastic. That difference usually comes down to how crisp the fat is.

After the lamb has rested for half an hour or so (which gives ample time for temperature differentials inside to even out), I pop it back into a 500°F oven for about 15 minutes to fully crisp. The lamb fat crackles and those bits of garlic and shallot brown, lending a rich sweetness to the salty crust. It's all I can do to stop myself from picking it off before I get a chance to serve it.

But first, we must release the prisoner from its restrictions. Scissors are the best tools for this job, followed by carefully slipping the strings off so as not to take any of that crust with them.

I'm sure you can guess what the final boneless lamb advantage is, but we've set up a basic rubric, so let's follow it:

Boneless lamb advantage #5: It's darn easy to slice and serve.

Your meat should be gloriously juicy, crispy on the outside, and because of its low, slow cooking, perfectly evenly cooked and extra-tender.

And on the off-chance that you end up with any leftovers? What then?

Might I suggest some cold lamb sandwiches? I might?! Joy!

About the author: J. Kenji Lopez-Alt is the Chief Creative Officer of Serious Eats where he likes to explore the science of home cooking in his weekly column The Food Lab. You can follow him at @thefoodlab on Twitter, or at The Food Lab on Facebook.

Recipes!

• Leftover Lamb Sandwiches With Tapenade Mayo, Watercress, and Caciocavallo Cheese
• Slow-Roasted Boneless Leg of Lamb With Garlic, Rosemary, and Lemon

Scam-baiting is a form of internet vigilantism in which the vigilante poses as a potential victim to expose a scammer. It’s essentially grassroots social engineering conducted as civic duty or even amusement, a cross-cultural double bluff in which participants on separate continents try to outdo each other in an online tug-of-war for one’s time and resources—and the other’s private banking information.

The baiter begins by “biting the hook”—answering an email from the scammer. The “victim” feigns receptivity to the financial lure, engaging the scammer in a drawn-out chain of emails. The most important element of baiting is to waste as much of the scammer’s time as possible—when a scammer is preoccupied, it prevents him from conning genuine victims.

The cover of the issue you’re looking at is a trophy from the most elaborate bait I’ve ever been involved in. Three scammers, spread across Libya and the United Arab Emirates, set the con. They posed as a widow named Nourhan Abdul Aziz, a doctor named Dr. Ahmadiyya Ibrahim, and a banker going by Ephraim Adamoah. From Nourhan’s initial contact with my associ- ate, Condo Rice, to Ephraim’s actually donning an Obama mask and shooting our cover for us, 7,000 words were exchanged over nearly four months of emails. During that time, Condo and I negotiated our way through a labyrinthine net- work of fake websites, bogus documents, and broken English, and ended up with the weirdest photograph I’ve seen in a long time.

 

Because the holidays are a time for hope and miracles, it makes sense that people would spend the season wishing to be accosted by Amy Poehler and Billy Eichner as they walk down the street. For a lucky few (the ones who wanted it bad enough), that wish came true. Billy and Amy — like the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present AND Future — appeared, screamed some Christmas carols and then were gone.

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A bookshelf just equals a bit of upright storage, so when you turn it on its side and add some legs you get a great table. Sindy Stevens from IKEA Hackers did just that while adding a little ply board to make it look even better.

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Well, this is absolutely magical. Except for the guy who told the piano to shut up. That dude was not magical.

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From A Hamburger Today

Guy Fieri [Photograph: foodnetwork.com]

On a recent episode of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, viewer picks for the "Top 10 Burgers of All Time" were revealed. Several Asian fusion burgers made the list, along with burgers decked out with everything from to truffled mushroom duxelle (a mixture of sautéed mushrooms, shallots, and truffle oil) to thin slices of pastrami. Check out the full list below.

Top 10 Burgers of all Time, as voted by Diners, Drive-ins and Dives Viewers

• 10: Italian Stallion Burger from Burger Me! in Truckee, CA: a bison patty topped with provolone cheese, salami, mortadella, lettuce, tomato, pickles, hot peppers and cabernet vinaigrette
• 9: Christmas Burger from The Ace in Toronto, Ontario: an oven-roasted turkey burger stuffed with sage-scented stuffing and topped with cranberry compote
• 8: Harvard Double Burger from Mr. Bartley's Burger in Cambridge, MA: two seven ounce patties stacked with American cheese, bacon, onions, peppers, mushrooms, and a liberal glob of barbeque sauce
• 7: Banh Mi Burger from Bachi Burger in Las Vegas: a marinated pork, shrimp, and beef patty topped with pork loaf, curry aioli, carrots, and daikon (recipe here)
• 6: Umami Burger from bopNgrill in Chicago: topped with truffled mushroom duxelle, sun-dried tomato confit, togarashi mayo, bacon, and smoked gouda
• 5: Poor Boy Burger from Parkette Drive In in Lexington, KY: two 1/4 pound beef patties with lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, mustard, and Parkette sauce on a toasted double-decker bun
• 4: Suribachi Burger from Swagger in Kansas City, MO: a tempura-battered, deep-fried patty topped with pepper jack cheese and spicy house made coleslaw with a garlic-wasabi dressing
• 3: Stuffed Burgers from Casper & Runyon's Nook in St. Paul MN: Guy returned to this "small place with big burgers" (and a bowling alley in the basement) to sample their house specialty: stuffed burgers
• 2: Mac Attack from Boston Burger Company in Boston: a 100% Certified Black Angus patty covered in four-cheese mac and cheese
• 1: Guido Burger from Hodad's in San Diego: a pastrami burger with ketchup, pickles, swiss cheese, grilled onions and spicy brown mustard

Have you tried any of these burgers? Let us know in the comments.

[via: Examiner]

About the author: Erin Jackson is a food writer and photographer who is obsessed with discovering the best eats in San Diego. You can find all of her discoveries on her San Diego food blog EJeats.com. On Twitter, she's @ErinJax

Love hamburgers? Then you'll Like AHT on Facebook! And go follow us on Twitter while you're at it!

In a powerful PSA by United Nations Women, viewers are put in the position of an Egyptian woman as she experiences terrible sexual harassment everywhere she goes.

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The R & B star created a buzz on Twitter by setting up #askRKelly and people responded with some hilarious tweets.

HLN's Jane Velez-Mitchell highlights singer Demi Lovato's surprising confession of drug and alcohol abuse.

LONDON, ENGLAND - DECEMBER 11: Meagan Good attends the UK premiere of 'Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues' at Vue West End on December 11, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Anthony Harvey/Getty Images)

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LEBANON, N.H. — A former Fortune 500 executive told police he was trying to kill himself when he drove his pickup truck across the grassy median of a highway and slammed into an SUV, killing an expectant couple inside, prosecutors said Wednesday.

Sound the adorable dolphin photos alarm! [ more › ]

Drunk Driver Honored

One of the most eagerly anticipated culinary events of the year in Los Angeles is Beefsteak. Organized by Tim & Eric's Eric Wareheim, Cort Cass, and Matt Selman, Beefsteak is a throwback to all-you-can-eat soirees from the 19th century. Men from all walks of life would gather in a beer hall or other large event space to consume massive amounts of beef, drink beer, and carouse.

The tradition fell out of favor in the middle of the last century, but Wareheim and company (along with noted chef Neal Fraser of Grace and BLD fame) sought to revive the practice for the modern era, while adding an element of philanthropy. All proceeds from the invite-only event go to the LA Food Bank, which seeks to end hunger in the Los Angeles area.

We assembled early for cocktails at the venue, Vibiana in downtown Los Angeles. We were greeted by a genial balloon maker who promised to make me a hat in the shape of a cow. The cow is, of course, the animal the Lord commanded us to eat with great joy and gratitude. I wasn't sure about this balloon maker's credentials, but fortunately, I came to see that I was in good hands.

If you're the best, you better let the world know you're the fucking best. This lady was definitely the best.

When you wear a balloon hat in the shape of a cow, you need to treat it seriously. Thankfully, my friend here took that advice to heart.

After a few hours of copious drinking, we were let into the dining hall. Seating was a free-for-all, and I managed to end up with a spot at the end of the room. Sometimes, you have to learn the hard way to be punctual.

Entertainment is a major part of any traditional beefsteak, and we were treated to the jazzy stylings of the Chris Walden Big Band. I did my best to refrain from asking them if they could play "Blurred Lines."

Traditional beefsteaks also keep the menu simple. Our first dish was nothing more complex than rare sliced steak with au jus and horseradish sauce. The steak was accompanied by broccolini and fingerling potatoes. Simple, but the meat was seared nicely on top while also staying juicy in the middle. That's no small feat.

I probably could have eaten an entire tray of this if I was alone in a dark room watching SportsCenter at 3 AM. As I was most certainly not alone—Chef Fraser informed me prior to the meal that they were preparing enough food for 600 guests—and at no point could I find a TV playing ESPN, I ate only a moderate amount of food. That didn't stop me from spilling all over my sport jacket. Beefsteaks don't have forks, knives, or napkins, and I'm all thumbs. Not literally, though. If I had ten thumbs, I  would not have been allowed in the event. There was a strict two thumb maximum. 

I wasn't expecting a fish course, but we got a whole mess of salmon about an hour into the meal. From the way that thing was mauled,  you can tell I had quite a field day with this dish. I think I still have some pink meat in my beard.

The waitstaff was attentive, as you would expect at an event of this nature. When one tray was finished off, they'd quickly bring another full of meat. The tray here featured expertly prepared lamb chops, which were probably the easiest thing to eat, since you could grab onto the bone of the chop. That's the only thing I didn't spill on myself.

Toast was provided for those who wanted to carb up. If you ever attend a beefsteak, I recommend making liberal use of the bread. It's the one thing that will help soak up all the alcohol and keep you on the cheerier side of sober.

Seeing a giant skull staring back at you will also go a long way toward sobering you up, and I came in contact with this macabre-looking beast around the witching hour. This skull was your "heads-up" (pun most certainly intended) that you had arrived at a special section of the room. 

This was the head cheese station. The dish was served with a bit of mustard for flavor. Only the most adventurous beefsteak attendees dared eat this, but I consider myself lucky to have gotten a taste before heading home.

Skateboarding legend Tony Hawk gave his best scowl for this photo op with the stilt lady. I can't say for sure who was more starstruck, Tony or the stilt lady.

Beefsteak is a great place to find true love, and this woman made friends with this fish head. Not sure if they went home together that night, but they were certainly very chatty.

I'm no food expert, so when I received my ticket for Beefsteak 2013, I put in a call to my friend, Zachary Pollock, chef at one of LA's premier restaurants, the southern Italian inspired Sotto, to give me a more refined perspective on the meal. I learned that Zach actually started his culinary career in Chef Fraser's kitchen, which made the event all the more special for him. Despite what it looks like in this picture, I can assure you that he did not, in fact, "eat the bones."

Beefsteak 2013 was truly a night to remember, full of happy folks, great food, and enough liquor to kill a stable of horses... twice. Plus, it's all for a good cause. If you attend Beefsteak 2014, be sure to dress to impress like this fellow, and maybe sneak in a wet nap or two. Trust me, it'll help.

@dave_schilling

VIEW SLIDESHOW: 20 Quick and Easy Dinners in 25 Minutes or Less

Noodles with Flank Steak, Bok Choy, and Black Bean Sauce [Photograph: Nick Kindelsperger]

Not everybody is in a position to devote an hour or more to prepare an elaborate dinner, especially on a weeknight. That's why we've dipped into our recipe archives to find meals that are both seriously quick and seriously tasty.

In this roundup, you'll find 20 dishes that you can prepare in 25 minutes or less (fast enough to make Seamless blush). Pork chop sandwiches, clams with linguini, and more flavorful and speedy dinners can be found in the list below, or you cansee them all in the slideshow »

Meat

Pork Chops with Fresh Peaches and Basil [Photograph: Yasmin Fahr]

Noodles with Flank Steak, Bok Choy, and Black Bean Sauce
Make-Ahead Steak with Hazelnut Gremolata and Cauliflower
Bone-In Pork Chop Sandwich
Pork Chops with Fresh Peaches and Basil

Poultry

Grilled Chicken and Spinach Salad with Honey Mustard [Photograph: Yvonne Ruperti]

Chicken-Green Bean Yellow Chili Stir-Fry
Herb-Filled Turkey Burgers with Cheddar Cheese
Grilled Chicken and Spinach Salad with Honey Mustard
Roast Turkey and Black Bean Quesadillas

Seafood

Easy Cioppino [Photograph: Yasmin Fahr]

Seared Scallops with Pancetta and Brussels Sprouts
Steamed Fish with Chard and Potato Hash
Easy Cioppino
Skillet Halibut with Charred Corn Salad

Pasta and Grains

Pasta With Cherry Tomatoes and Herbed Ricotta [Photograph: Deborah Mele]

20-Minute Thai Red Curry Noodle Soup with Chicken
Clams with Linguini, Garlic, and Tomatoes
Pasta With Cherry Tomatoes and Herbed Ricotta
Make-Ahead Mustardy Quinoa with Sausage, Potato, and Tarragon

Vegetarian

Kale, Parmesan, and Fried Egg Tartine [Photograph: J. Kenji López-Alt]

Pepper and Egg Sandwich
Vegan Black Bean and Squash Chili
Stir-Fried Green Beans and Five-Spice Dry Tofu
Kale, Parmesan, and Fried Egg Tartine

About the author: Ben Jay is an editorial intern at Serious Eats, photographer, carnivore, beer and whisky drinker, and music nerd. This recipe roundup is what happens when Seamless breaks. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram.

[This article first appeared on VICE.com in December 2012.]

A while ago, I wrote a thing about how I don't "get" art. In the piece, I dared to suggest that maybe it was silly that a neon sign that says "my cunt is wet with fear" is worth $100,000. It got read by a lot of people, many of whom disagreed with me and got very very angry. After reading people's feedback, I thought maybe I had been a little harsh, and decided to give art ONE MORE CHANCE.

So I headed to Art Basel in Miami. In case you don't keep up with #art, Art Basel is the world's largest art fair. A bunch of galleries from all around the world gather in a big exhibition center in Miami and show off their bestest bits of art (pictured above), and have some parties and stuff.

First thing I noticed while walking around the main exhibition was the INSANE amount of canvases-painted-one-color that were on display.

I mean, I get it. It's "making us question what art REALLY is" or some shit. Which I guess would have been kinda interesting the first time someone did it 100 years ago. But do we really need to keep doing it? It's been pretty well established what art is by now.

What I don't get, is who the fuck is buying this stuff? Is this really worth $20,000? I know that nothing is worth what you pay for it, that's just how the world works. Like, the computer I'm typing this on probably cost the manufacturer about 1/50th of what I paid for it. But come the fuck on, man. A black square? That costs as much as an entire third-world school?

I know the term "laughing all the way to the bank" is overused, but I find it hard you wouldn't at least chuckle while driving to Chase if you were the guy who just made a year's rent by painting a $30 canvas black. 

And how does an artist even decide this is what they're gonna do with their life? It's like when people become an acoustic singer/songwriter. There is not one single thing that you can add to that world, so why bother?

I guess it's probably "Blair Witch syndrome"—where someone sees another person making a ton of money doing something that they themselves could have done and it makes them temporarily lose their mind.

Maybe that's just what the entire art world is. Like how the tech world is made up almost completely of people who wish they could have been Mark Zuckerberg, the art world is people who are bummed they didn't think of someone else's obvious idea first. 

Like how Tracey Emin made a bunch of money writing completely asinine statements in neon lighting, and now there's an entire artistic movement of it. Like what you see above. Which are just four examples of about 1000000 I saw at Basel of people taking nominally profound statements and then turning them into art 3D objects to be sold for more than I make in a year.

Weirdly, Pharrell is taken seriously by people in Miami. I saw him at a bunch of shows, and he wasn't laughed out of the building a single time. He even did a talk about design which, unfortunately, I missed, as I'm sure it would have been fucking GOLD. Apparently Kanye showed up and they had a debate about modern aesthetics, hahahahaha. This is the same guy who once asked everyone to start calling him "Skateboard P," right? The one who was "rhymin' on the top of a cop car"? I didn't imagine that? And people are paying to hear him give his opinions on design now? Got it.

They don't have the accompanying literature that explains what the art "means" at most of the exhibits, which is a shame as, TBH, I was pretty bored most of the time I was there, and reading people waffle on about what art means is what can really take a piece of art from Snoozetown to the Land of LOL.

For instance, this piece was a woman laying in a dark room while some stupid song about Megaupload played, which the accompanying text described as a "monolithic structure" that was "representative of an archaic relic from pre-Internet times" and "literally (and metaphorically) trapping her in the physical world... the only possible mode of transcendence from this uncomfortable reality is offered by the artist herself... singing instructions on 'how to upload your soul to the internet.'"  

Which elevates it from "some woman lying on the ground surrounded by a bunch of shit" to "some woman taking several days out of her life to lie in a gallery and try to make some non-point about the internet AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." 

I really feel like I missed out on so much hilarious shit due to the absence of explanations. There was so so so much stuff there that I would love to hear someone attempt to justify. Like this: a plastic child's head, with underwear on it, smoking a cigarette, on a MacBook.

Speaking of, do you think artists think of a point they want to make and then make an art piece around that? Or do you think they do it in reverse? Like this one, which is a misshapen plate that says "mother fucker" on it—the artist's reasoning for it was this:

"Rainer Ganahl introduces his personal view on one of the most renowned artist of the 20th century, Lucio Fontana. The famous sliced open canvases, although bearing traces of obvious violence, are nonetheless serving an idealistic quest. But Rainer Ganahl only keeps the regressive and sadistic aspect of the gesture. Through Ganahl's raw and dirty style, Fontana's works now appear outrageous."

Do you think he actually woke up one day thinking all that stuff, and then set out to find a way of communicating that message to the world? Or do you think it's like my high school design projects where I'd be like, "I wanna make a pencil holder with Marvin the Martian on it," and then would have to retroactively make a whole project around it acting like I developed it n' stuff? 

It's like with mediums and psychics. I can never tell if they know they're lying, or if they're mentally ill and actually believe what they're saying to people. If artists are in on the joke and know they're full of shit and what they're doing is totally fucking ridiculous, then that's kind of amazing.

Like, if the guy who made this was stoned with his buddies one day and went "you think I could get away with it if I just made a wall mounted vagina and charged like, ten grand? That would be so sick"? He would be my hero.

"HAHAHAHA you're never gonna fucking believe this, but you know that canvas I did, the one with the shitty little spraypainted squiggle on it? Some idiot bought it! Drinks are on me!"

It costs 50 grand for an exhibition space here, apparently. Fifty grand! Can you imagine how embarrassing it would have to be to sit there all day if you were a gallerist and this was the art you were showing? Just in case it's unclear, this is a couple of empty banana boxes, and some spotlights, and it was the ENTIRE body of work that some gallery from Zurich was displaying.

And that's just 50 grand to exhibit, that doesn't take into account how much it must have cost them to fly the installation and staff over from Zurich. And then you have to sit in front of this piece of shit all day for a week while people come over and look at it knowing that they know you paid thousands to be there? Brutal. 

Bleugh. I dunno, if anything, going to Basel has made me hate art even more. Because the fact that it was a trade show just underlined how much money was going into the whole thing. Every time I saw some stuff that I liked or that I thought was funny, I would think about the money and time that went into it, and just get bummed out. 

The other thing that people at Art Basel do is throw big, exclusive partes so that art people can hang out with other art people.

Presumably, most people reading this will never get invited to one, so let me talk you through it:

It starts with a line. Which is much like the line at a regular club/party, except that it's guest list-based, and everyone in it thinks they are the most important person in the world. This was taken at some party I went to that Demi Moore and Martha Stewart were at. We had to line up for 30 minutes or so, and people LOST THEIR FUCKING MINDS. I heard one girl compare her situation to Auschwitz, and another was repeatedly screaming that she would sue the hotel if she got bitten by any bugs. Eventually people just decided to Braveheart it and charge in by any means possible, like these old-timers who are scrambling through the fucking wilderness like they're running away from Predator.

I really hope I'm not climbing through bushes because I feel too entitled to have to wait ten minutes when I'm this guy's age :(

Inside is a lot like a regular party, except the music is really quiet, the drinks are free, and people don't appear to be having fun. 

There are also lots of people there who are famous that you won't recognize. Like these two. Lots of people were asking to take their photo, so I assume they're "somebodies." Can someone lemme know who they are in the comments? I'm assuming by their clothes/skin color, that they're both real housewives of Miami. 

Unrelated, but I was at some barbeque that Chanel was throwing (lol) and found out the next day that Lenny Kravitz had been there. I am so so so bummed I didn't realize he was there at the time. I feel like Jon Snow after he was on that plane with Idi Amin. I could've just walked up to Lenny and murdered him right there in the party, and the world wouldn't have had to see him tweet another picture of himself wearing a leather jacket with no shirt underneath (come the fuck on, Lenny, if it's cold enough for a leather jacket, it's cold enough for a shirt, too).

Sorry everyone!

There were also lots of people at the parties who looked like this. When I asked this girl for a photo, she didn't say a word, just did a subtle nod while blue-steeling, posed like this, then walked away looking like she was about to burst into tears.

When did really, really serious people co-opt dressing goofy? How're you gonna turn up to a party dressed like fun-time chemo-Barbie and then act like everyone in the room just killed your puppy? She should be arrested and charged for false advertising. 

This guy, too. He's dressed like a one-man party, but it would be physically impossible for him to have a more self-serious facial expression. Can you imagine if an old lady had to sit next to this guy on a bus? She would think he was a blast, start a conversation, and then he'd end up getting all mad at her about Rihanna ruining sea-punk on SNL. Can someone fun please take back dressing whacky from these assholes?

And that's pretty much Art Basel in a nutshell. Apparently it generates one billion dollars for the city of Miami. Huh.

To conclude:

@JLCT

Da Coach, standing next to the Super Bowl XX trophy, the trophy for the 1963 NFL champion Bears commissioned by Mayor Richard J. Daley and Ditka's Football Hall of Fame bust, gave a performance for the ages guaranteed to sell sausages and wine and have his cult of personality booking reservations to his restaurant. [ more › ]

WASHINGTON — Feeling chilly? Here's cold comfort: You could be in East Antarctica, which according to new data set a record for soul-crushing cold.Try 135.8 degrees Fahrenheit below zero; that's 93.2 degrees below zero Celsius, which sounds only slightly toastier. Better yet, don't try it.

Tila Tequila, perhaps best known as the most popular artist on Myspace (according to page views) circa April 2006, and whose occupation is listed as "Glamour model" on Wikipedia, and probably most relevantly, who we all thought would fade into rightful obscurity following the cancellation of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila in 2008, is back. Why? Oh, because today she posted a poorly photoshopped picture to Facebook in which she's wearing a red swastika armband and a SS uniform cap. And she's standing in front of Auschwitz. And she's calling herself "Hitila", a portmanteau of "Hitler" and "Tila"

Read more...

This statement from Metta World Peace in the New York Daily News regarding his fight with teammate Kenyon Martin is the most important sports quote you’ll ever read, so I need you to stop whatever you’re doing and follow along carefully.

Seriously.

“We were eating pasta. He had elbow pasta, I had shell pasta, and I told him how my shell pasta is better than his elbow pasta. And he was pretty upset about that. He loves elbow pasta, but I disagree, I think shell pasta is better. I don’t care. I will stand by that. Shell pasta.”

…

Metta World Peace. A man who once destroyed a deli because of racist price tags. A man who stepped up to challenge a two-year old. Of all the things he’s ever said and done, somehow his adamant stance on the construction of mac and cheese might be his greatest moment.

He’s totally wrong, by the way. Shells are for those uptight upper-middle-class families who think they’re too good for elbows. You’re part of the system if you eat shells.

Never forget: