IKEA Monkey

In September 2014, on one of her frequent stops in New York City, Jeni Britton Bauer swung by the Museum of Modern Art to see Henri Matisse’s Cut-Outs. Bauer, who had studied art at Ohio State University and now owns Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams, was familiar with the artworks; she had books about them and posters of them on her walls as a kid. But the reproductions in no way prepared her for the intensity of the real thing. “They felt like a vacuum—like they were going to suck me in,” she tells mental_floss. “The blue is so dry and beautiful ... I started to think what about I was tasting when I saw it.” There was a sweet-tart candy flavor on her tongue, and she knew she wanted to make a line of ice creams and frozen yogurts inspired by The Cut-Outs. The line, Jeni's Colors Collection, is available to order today.

It took Bauer and her team 12 weeks of daily tweaking to create the line, which consists of six flavors: Ultramarine Blue, Ombre Brulee, Cadmium Yellow, Garance Vert Clair, Persian Orange, and Noir d’Ivoire (you can learn more about them below). “There are many, many more colors, of course, but we wanted something from each part of the spectrum,” Bauer says. “And then we chose which ones we thought were the most striking and successful as flavors.” (A candy apple red with a grenadine scent and hot cinnamon didn’t make the cut, and she tried a purple that used ylang-ylang, “but they ended up too floral,” Bauer says. “I thought people wouldn’t like them as much.”) Bauer’s favorites are Persian Orange and Ultramarine Blue.

She created the flavors with pulverized fruits and essential oils, which she used to scent the butterfat that’s in cream. “Most of the flavor in ice cream is scent—I got into ice cream through perfuming, so layering scent in ice cream is what’s exciting to me,” she says. “You add your essential oils [to the mixture] and freeze it. As soon as you eat it, it melts immediately, and all the flavors release into your nose.”

The Colors Collection is accompanied by a book, which Bauer hopes will drive conversation about taste and color and the experience of eating ice cream. “The idea is that our interpretation of the flavors may not be your interpretation of the flavors,” she says, “but that’s part of the fun.”

ULTRAMARINE BLUE BUTTERMILK FROZEN YOGURT

This flavor incorporates not just pulverized wild blueberries from Maine but also edible raspberry extract, and pineapple. “When I was looking at it, it gave me a really tart pineapple,” Bauer says, “which is really odd, because it’s not yellow, it’s blue.”

NOIR D’IVOIRE ICE CREAM

This licorice-infused flavor also includes sea salt and crunchy dark chocolate shavings.

CADMIUM YELLOW BUTTERMILK FROZEN YOGURT

Crushed whole lemons, as well as bergamot and white grapefruit, create this yogurt's flavor.

GARANCE VERT CLAIR ICE CREAM

Bauer used lemongrass, coriander leaf, and spirulina in this flavor, as well as Douglas fir essential oil—a “blue green pine,” she says, “with kind of a resinous flavor. It tilted [the flavor] just a little bit onto that blue side.”

PERSIAN ORANGE BUTTERMILK FROZEN YOGURT

In addition to oranges, this flavor features mango, passion fruit, and blood orange zest.

OMBRE BRULEE ICE CREAM

This ice cream incorporates brown sugar cookie butter and Peru Balsam essential oil, one of Bauer’s favorite scents to work with. “It’s this resin from a tree in Ecuador, and I think it’s awesome,” she says. “It’s almost like a vanilla pipe smoke in flavor.”

Ronda Rousey, undefeated UFC champion and WrestleMania 31 interloper, held an old-fashioned twitter Q&A, mostly to help promote Furious 7. Here are some of the questions she answered:

On Fast and Furious 7

I’m no expert, but putting actual lumps on co-stars’ heads is probably a movie don’t.

On her WrestleMania 31 appearance

Ronda “Kirk Gibson” Rousey doesn’t seem like a good nickname, but she could probably make it work.

On The Rock

BOOK IT, DANA!

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: The Texas Department of Public Safety and Transportation

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Photo via Snoop Dogg's Instagram

The incident: A state trooper posed for a photo with Snoop Dogg.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: He was ordered to undergo counseling.

Two weeks ago, while at the South by Southwest Festival in Austin, Texas State Trooper Sergeant Billy L. Spears posed for a photo with Snoop Dogg.

Snoop posted the photo on his Instagram page with the caption "Me n my deputy dogg." The caption was followed by an emoji of a gun and two of stars.

Some time after this, a supervisor from the Texas Department of Public Safety and Transportation drove 40 miles to hand-deliver a counseling order to Billy.

Billy's lawyer, Ty Clevenger, posted the order online on Wednesday. "While working a secondary employment job, Trooper Spears took a photo with a public figure who has a well-known criminal background including numerous drug charges," it reads. "It reflects poorly on the agency."

The lawyer claims that his client didn't know about Snoop's criminal background. "Believe it or not, some folks don't watch TMZ or read People Magazine," he wrote.

Ty also claims that the real reason the citation was given was as an "act of retaliation against Billy" because he "reported misconduct by an officer from another agency last year."

Billy is reportedly not able to appeal the citation as it is technically not a formal disciplinary action. However, according to Ty, the counseling will still go on Billy's personnel record, and could harm his eligibility for future promotions.

In a statement, a spokesperson for the Department of Public Safety and Transportation refused to comment on the case, saying that the agency does not comment on personnel issues unless they result in disciplinary action.

Cry-Baby #2: An unnamed Wawa customer and Wawa

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Screencaps via Google Maps and Asbury Park Press

The incident: A gas station attendant used a toy of a boy peeing to clean a woman's side mirror.

The appropriate response: Tittering.

The appropriate response: The passenger in the car reportedly complained that she was being sexually harassed, and the attendant was fired.

Until last Wednesday, 57-year-old Mike Cuzzo of Brick, New Jersey, was an extremely popular attendant at a local Wawa gas station.

His popularity seems to stem from the fact that he was a lovable Michael Scott–type figure while at work. According to a report on APP, he would wear a clown nose or a tuxedo (as pictured above) to work some days. Another time, he dyed his hair and beard pink for breast cancer awareness.

"The world would be a better place if everybody got to meet this man," said one customer.

This changed last week, after an incident in which Mike used a plastic toy of a peeing boy (pictured above) to clean the side mirrors of a woman's car. This was apparently something he did regularly.

According to a post on Patch, the driver of the car laughed as he did this. "But then the passenger, who I hadn't seen at first, leaned over and said, 'That's sexual harassment,'" said Mike.

Mike claims he was brought into an office to speak to two managers later that day. The managers, he says, fired him on the spot.

He also reportedly lost 18,000 Goosebumps points he'd accumulated, too. I don't really know what that means, but it definitely doesn't sound good.

On Sunday, a crowd of Mike's supporters gathered outside the Wawa to protest Mike's firing. "People who treat customers the way he does and did don't deserve what happened to him," said one.

Another said that he planned to boycott Wawa over their decision to fire Mike: "No more Wawa coffee, no more Wawa gas, no more Wawa cigarettes, no more Wawa."

In a statement, a representative for Wawa denied that Mike was let go just because of the peeing toy incident. "We would never make a decision about any associate based on a single isolated incident like this," the statement reads. "Decisions like these are extremely difficult and are only made after a series of steps and discussions take place."

On Wednesday, USA Today reported that Mike had been approached about a job with a nearby auto company.

Who here is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here, please:

Previously: A woman fired a gun into a McDonald's because they forgot to put bacon on her cheeseburger and a 12-year-old allegedly tried to poison her mom for confiscating her iPhone.

Winner: The alleged iPhone poisoner!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

If you’ve shopped for kids clothing or even wandered through a Babies R Us lately, you’ll know that the options for little girls are heavy on the light pink, hot pink, sparkles, tutus, and leopard print.

Read more...

When singer Avril Lavigne went missing from the music scene, there was tons of speculation. Was she pregnant? In rehab? Going through a split from her husband, Nickelback front man Chad Kroeger?

The Perfect Birth Control for Men Is Here. Why Can't We Use It?

The governor of Arkansas says he'll sign the law despite protests.

PITTSBURGH—Noting how eagerly he listed off the city’s wide array of live entertainment, dining options, and shopping outlets, sources confirmed Monday that 31-year-old Michael Nelson had somehow reached the conclusion that it was less depress...

"Make Our Own Way" by Los Angeles duo Little Brutes has been on heavy personal rotation since their Desire EP dropped in January: it's gumption and self-determination interpreted through simple pop lines, minimal handclaps and tambourines. It's also on heavy TV rotation, as the theme song for the new NBC sitcom One Big Happy, which premiered last week and stars Elisha Cuthbert who, guess what, is also the star of this video, debuting here for the first time.

Read more...

Gov. Mike Pence told the Indianapolis Star that he didn't anticipate "the hostility that's been directed at our state" after the law passed.

We've heard about a lot of terrible restaurant owners on this website, but they pale in comparison to the restaurant owner in Valencia, California who was arrested on suspicion of human trafficking, assault with a deadly weapon, and holding a person in involuntary servitude.

Read more...

Gun control advocates have an internet target on their backs. An app called Gunfree Geo Marker - which identifies the homes and work addresses of outspoken anti-gun violence activists - was discovered Thursday morning.

Read more...

Take the quiz!

The pettiness of high school sports knows no bounds.

This is the story of Michael Kelley, a boy who loves playing basketball, a boy who just wants to have fun. Kelley has Down Syndrome and autism, and unfortunately that prevents him from playing varsity sports at Wichita East High School. But Kelley still wanted to play, he still wanted to participate in the sport he loved. So he joined the school’s special needs basketball program. And he liked it. In fact, from the looks of it, he loved it. Michael enjoyed himself. Michael was a happy kid.

His parents saw his happiness, wanted to encourage him further – so they bought him a varsity letter jacket. A jacket all the other athletes at Wichita East High School wear.

And that’s where this story takes an unbelievably sad turn. You see, one parent, one awful, awful human being complained to the school about Michael Kelley. They believed Kelley didn’t deserve a varsity letter. In short, they believed Michael didn’t earn the right to wear it. The school responded by forcing Michael to take off the jacket. They gave him a sweat shirt to wear instead.

Principal Ken Thiessen weighed-in saying, extra curricular special needs programs did not constitute “varsity level competition.” He was adamant too. Said the school considered it but ultimately said “no.” Above all, this was Thiessen’s decision and his decision alone. There was no district wide policy in place. There was no rule against special needs students earning a varsity letter. This was a rule enforced by Wichita East High School at the behest of an angry parent.

After KSN-TV’s story, social media went to work. It started with a handful of tweets.

And now, less than 48 hours later, a change.org petition has garnered 20,000 signatures. The issue is headed to the board of education.

All this because a kid who loves basketball and participates in a school-sponsored program wasn’t given a varsity letter. All this because there’s a parent out there who believes Michael Kelley’s efforts aren’t the same as their son or daughter.

Awful.

You may not make fresh pasta often, but you’re richly rewarded when you do. Newbies and pasta pros alike will benefit from chef Marc Vetri‘s in-depth tutorial on forming dough, rolling, saucing, and everything in between. Vetri’s praises aren’t sung nearly enough outside his home base of Philadelphia, though just this week it was announced he’s a nominee for Outstanding Chef in the James Beard Foundation Awards. He’s one of the country’s best Italian cooks, and recipes here, like a kicky pasta all’arrabbiata, demonstrate his own mastery of the artfully simple cuisine.

Mastering Pasta, Ten Speed Press, $30, 272 pages

A Canadian college basketball player is finally allowed to use his last name. That last name? Fuck.

Guy Carbagiale Fuck, forward for the Medicine Hat College Rattlers in Alberta, had been asked by his school and team to use his first and middle names rather than his f-bomb of a surname. Born in Brazil (his last name is German and actually pronounced “foo-key”) he acquiesced because he was new to the country. But he grew weary of not being able to be himself, saying, “It’s my last name, I’m proud of it. Doesn’t matter if it means something bad.” After his team made it to the Canadian Collegiate Athletic Association men’s basketball championships, he has finally been allowed to proclaim the Fuck name.

In the future, he wants to ensure the Fuck name lives on with a litter of little Fucks of his own.

When asked if he’s ever thought about changing his last name, the answer is no.

“No, no, no. I want to have kids, I want to spread the Fuck last name,” he said.

F*ckin’ eh.

Source: CBC

There used to be a lot of mystery surrounding Scientology.

But now, on the verge of the release of two major documentaries about the church (Louis Theroux's Stairway to Heaven and Alex Gibney's Going Clear), little of that mystery remains. It was chipped away over the years, by blogs and message boards, South Park episodes, and tell-all books.

Which is why it's odd to me that, as a resident of Los Angeles, the Scientology Capital of the World, I know nothing about what's happening in the many Scientology-owned properties around my city. And when I say many, I mean many. A quick poke around online suggests there are at least 30 Los Angeles-based buildings that are owned by the church or the various organizations they've set up to do their bidding.

I decided to explore as many of Scientology's properties in the city that are open to the public as I could (with the exception of the standard Scientology centers that every city has, because I refuse to believe there is a single person reading this who hasn't gotten drunk, stumbled into one, then giggled their way through a " personality test").

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The first stop on my tour was the Renaissance Restaurant, a high-end dining spot located inside the hilariously named Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre International in Hollywood, which, even without the Scientology association, may be the most sinister looking building in the entire city. Luigi's Mansion remodeled by Leslie Nielsen's Dracula.

I went for dinner there one recent evening with several friends. The inside of the Centre, like all buildings owned by the Church of Scientology, was generically nice and slightly dated. Like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air house, or the lobby of an airport Hyatt.

The menu offered the kind of food that I imagine rich people in LA like to eat. Dishes with names like "confit duck risotto," "gluten-free quinoa crepes," and "pan fried chilean sea bass" littered the menu. The waiters had thick Lumiére-from- Beauty-and-the-Beast French accents which matched the overall vibe of the restaurant a little too perfectly. More than one person at my table independently suggested that the waiters might have been faking their French accents in order to make the space appear classier.

The food was, by the accounts of all those present, "fine." It was also surprisingly cheap for a place with white table cloths and French accents (I had the quinoa pancakes and a beer, which came to about $20).

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Outside the restaurant, in the main portion of the building, was an office that a plaque identified as belonging to L. Ron Hubbard. Someone who worked in the building saw me checking out the room and explained to me that the church maintains offices for L. Ron at most of their churches so he'll have somewhere to work when he comes back to earth. Which is nice of them.

After dinner, we were offered a tour of the building, which we accepted. If you go here for dinner, DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE. The building that houses the Celebrity Centre used to be a hotel in Hollywood's glory days, where like, Betty Davis and Clark Gable stayed, so I thought it might be kinda interesting. But it turned out to be pretty much a solid hour of a church member talking at us about how great Scientology is as my dining companions shot me HOW THE FUCK DO WE GET OUT OF HERE looks.

One very odd thing happened while I was there, though. At the start of our "tour," the church member giving it asked everyone in my group what our names and professions were.

Not a single member of my party was honest about what they did. We all lied. This is because there's something about the Church of Scientology that makes people paranoid and nervous. Especially if they're a writer.

In the past, the Church of Scientology was able to pull off some impressively diabolical stuff against writers. Like the time they managed to frame a journalist they didn't like for terrorism by planting her fingerprints on a fake bomb threat.

Obviously, with all their recent (non-consensual) transparency, these kind of shenanigans are no longer possible for them. They're being watched by people, and these people have the internet. If they were to try anything on the scale of their previous actions in this day and age, it would destroy them.

For instance, it seems their response to the upcoming HBO doc about them has been laughably weak, seemingly limited to a Twitter account they've set up to tweet about the film and its subjects, which, despite paid promotion, only has 501 followers as I write this. A far cry from the fake terrorist plots of the past.

Anyway, back to the Celebrity Centre. I told our guide that I was, rather unbelievably, a "construction worker," to which he responded, "Really? Are you sure you're not a writer? Because you look like a writer."

If this had been any other place, with any other people, I would just shrug it off as a coincidence. I do look very similar to many of the images that come up when you google "male writer," and absolutely nothing like the images that come up when you google "construction worker."

However, this was not any person. This was a person who was a representative for a group that once framed a journalist in a fake terrorism plot. And, as such, I spent the next few days pausing in my day-to-day activities to audibly ask myself, "How the fuck did that guy know I was a writer?"

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This didn't stop me from returning to the Celebrity Centre a few nights later to watchJurassic Park, which was being screened as part of an event series the church does in the summer called Franklin Friday Night Cinema, where they screen classic movies in the centre's garden.

I paid $5 to get in, and was told the money was to benefit some organization with a title so generic I assumed it was one of the nonprofits that the Church of Scientology sponsors (like " the Citizen's Commission on Human Rights" or "Applied Scholastics") to help the Church do its bidding. HOWEVER the website for the organization being benefitted suggests they're a legitimate charity. So that's good.

Given the seemingly innocuous nature of the event series, and the fact that its name does not contain the word "Scientology," I'd assumed this would be some kind of subtle brainwashing session.

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But the vibe was totally fun and decidely un-brainwashy. There was even free popcorn and a dino photo booth set up. Unfortunately, due to my previous Celebrity Centre encounter, I was too scared to give the photographer my real contact details so she could send me the photo (duh), so I never got my dino photo. Boo.

[youtube src='//www.youtube.com/embed/lK6ZtBAiNHA' width='640' height='360']

Also, if you have aspirations of stardom, the Celebrity Centre hosts regular "talent showcases."

Their website doesn't really specify what the purpose of the talent showcases are. It just says they're "seeking singers, dancers, comedy acts, musicians" with no mention of why they're being sought. I called the woman who organizes the showcases to ask what she wants from these people, and she said that the showcases were "auditions," but wouldn't elaborate on what exactly the auditions were for. Which is pretty ominous.

The Church has previously been accused of using free acting workshops at the Celebrity Centre as an excuse to solicit people disguised as a "legitimate industry event." A claim the Church denies. "There's so much interest in Scientology," Greg Leclaire, vice president of Celebrity Centre, explained to the New Yorker in 2008, "We really, really, really don't have any inclination or the time to talk to someone who's not interested."

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Next on the agenda was the Hollywood Christmas Parade, an event that has been happening in LA since the 20s.

The parade route goes past several buildings owned by Scientology on Hollywood Blvd, which may be why the church takes part in it every year.

Though various attempts have been made by the city of Los Angeles to make the parade a competitor to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, you've probably never heard of it (unless you live in LA and have been stuck in the traffic generated by its road closures).

I attended the most recent one, which featured a Church-sponsored parade balloon (of a pirate, for some reason), a float promoting The Way To Happiness Foundation, as well as Nancy Cartwright walking alongside a car that had the words "Nancy Cartwright" written on the side (Nancy, who provides the voice of Bart Simpson, was recently named a "Patron Laureate" by the church in recognition of a $10 million donation).

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We've written about the Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum before. It's a museum founded by The Citizen's Commission on Human Rights (an organization established by Scientologists to "investigate and expose psychiatric violations of human rights" (i.e. to push the Church's anti-psychiatry agenda). As in all instances of the Church taking a stand against something, there is absolutely no chill on display here.

It would be quite easy to make a measured case against psychiatry, as the psychiatric industry has been responsible for some fairly fucked up things. But, as the name would suggest, the Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum has zero interest in measured. The exhibits in the museum attempt to blame the psychiatric industry for pretty much every bad thing that has ever happened. They have displays on how psychiatry is responsible for everything from Columbine to slavery.

Much of it is based on exaggeration or outright lies (for instance, they claim that 9/11 is the fault of the psychiatric industry because al-Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is a psychiatrist, when he's actually a surgeon). But it's presented in such a dramatic, breathlessly over-the-top way that it's DEFINITELY worth a visit.

Also, to add to the museum's feeling of general creepiness, you have to give your name and occupation when you enter the building, and also leave your bag at the front desk. When I got my bag back from them to leave, I noticed it was partially unzipped. Had it been partially unzipped when I handed it to them? Almost certainly. Did I let this stop me from having a paranoid meltdown over it? Definitely not.

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A little farther north is another Scientology-owned museum, the L. Ron Hubbard Life Exhibition. Which, as the name suggests, is an exhibition dedicated to the life of L. Ron Hubbard.

When I arrived at the museum, I was told that I would have to wait for an hour before being able to go inside, as nobody is allowed to tour the space without a guide, and the lady at the front desk would have to find someone to cover for her so she could show me around. It didn't suggest to me that this is a place that gets many visitors.

The exhibition itself was surprisingly (and exhaustingly) in-depth. It had about 20 different exhibits, each dealing with different chapters in L. Ron's life.

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All of the unsavory stuff that you already know about L. Ron—for instance, the time he said that the problem with China was " too many chinks"—was left out.

Though I had been a little annoyed about having to wait an hour to get in to the museum, the above life-sized diorama depicting a scene from Battlefield Earth made it totally worth it.

A mile to the west lies another Scientology-owned attraction, the L. Ron Hubbard Theater, which hosts weekly live performances of short stories L. Ron wrote.

The theater is located inside the headquarters of Galaxy Press, which is yet another company set up by the Church, this time to publish and promote the written works of L. Ron.

As I walked into the building, I was stopped and told I needed a member of staff to escort me through the building to the theater space at the back. As the staff member was leading me through, he turned to me and asked, "Are you an actor? Because it feels like you're acting right now." As he said this, I noticed that all of the other guests were walking through the building on their own, sans escorts. Now, admittedly, I am a very paranoid person. As I write this, there's part of a Post-It note stuck over my laptop's webcam that's been there since I read an article on webcam hacking about two years ago. But this definitely made me a little freaked out.

To enter the performance, I was offered the choice of paying $10 for a ticket, or buying a book "that we donate to charity." I went with the option of donating a book to charity, as I wasn't super into the idea of giving my money to Scientology.

Once inside, I found out that the book I had purchased to donate to charity was actually a book by L. Ron Hubbard, and the charity it was being donated to was Toys for Tots. I know this because before the evening's performances started, a man came out on stage to brag that the Church is the world's biggest donor to Toys for Tots.

Just let that sink in for second: A spokesperson for the Church was boasting that they are the biggest donor to Toys for Tots, because they make their members buy books that they themselves publish, which are then forced upon needy children.

Sorry, underprivileged kids of America. I'm gonna donate some Nerf Guns or something to make up for this.

As I sat waiting for the performance to begin, I listened in on the conversation happening at the table next to mine. There was a young girl who seemed to be a new recruit. "Do you ever read other fiction?" a senior-looking church member asked her, while gesturing to some of the L. Ron Hubbard books that were on sale in the room. "I only read L. Ron Hubbard," he went on. "And you'll find most of the other people here do, too. It's got everything you need."

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Before the main event, there was a performance by the Jive Aces, a British jive/swing band who are known for giving out Scientology literature at their performances.

After the Jive Aces had finished playing, some actors took the stage to act out one of L. Ron's Western stories. Did you ever do that thing in school where the teacher was talking, and you would do everything you could to concentrate on not zoning out, but then you'd realize that you were concentrating so hard on not zoning out that you hadn't been listening to anything the teacher had been saying? That was my experience with the radio play. I tried with everything in my being to pay attention to what was being said. But it was so, so, so, so, so, SO boring that it was impossible. I guess when a writer has over 250 pieces of fiction published over the course of his career, some of them are going to be duds.

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Over in Glendale lies another property the Church manages, The Way to Happiness Foundation. The building is in a pretty retail-heavy section of Glendale, and houses a publicly-accessible exhibition space, as well as some offices.

After spending about 20 minutes inside the building reading their pamphlets, looking at the exhibit, and chatting to their staff, I still had no fucking idea what they do. So I spoke to the woman working the front desk. She explained what the foundation did for about ten minutes, but was somehow never actually specific about what the foundation does. Which was genuinely quite impressive. From what I can tell, they print booklets containing a moral code that L. Ron invented, and they give those booklets out to people for free.

The woman made lots of claims about the good the Foundation has done around the world. One thing that she said stuck in my mind because it seems very, very untrue, but I have no idea how to fact check it: She claimed that the crime rate had dropped by 50 percent in Colombia after the foundation had provided the country's police with their educational materials.

It should be noted that, with the exception of a couple of pictures of Nancy Cartwright, I didn't see anything in the building that made it clear the foundation was related to Scientology. I had a quick look around online just now and saw that the Church has been accused of starting the foundation as a way of getting their literature into schools without anyone noticing it's related to Scientology.

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I rounded off my tour at the Pacific Cafe, which is located in the basement of the Church's Hollywood headquarters (a.k.a. the Big Blue Building). The Pacific Cafe, as you may have guessed from the title, is a cafe. It sells pretty standard office-canteen type stuff. Drinks, granola bars, sandwiches, etc. This is unimportant. What is important is that as I was making my purchase (Scientology-branded lip balm and a cup of coffee), the woman serving me greeted me by USING MY FIRST NAME.

After a full 30 seconds of reeling in horror, I managed to say to her, "How do you know my name?" (in the exact voice that Drew Barrymore uses when realizing the phone voice knows her boyfriend's name in Scream). The lady responded, "Didn't I serve you in here this morning? No? Must have been someone who looked like you."

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Which means one of three things: One, the woman genuinely mistook me for another person who has the same name as me (unlikely). Two, she was psychic (also unlikely). Or three, I have no idea. Genuinely have no idea how that woman could have known my name. All I know is it was incredibly creepy and confusing and I became so paranoid that I convinced myself there was poison in the coffee I'd bought so I threw it out without even taking a sip. And now I have to get plastic surgery to change my appearance and find a new place to live. Bye!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

Orphan Black returns April 18 on BBC America as the little show that could with one of Hollywood's most underrated actresses, Tatiana Maslany. I, for one, am thrilled that Sarah Manning, Cosima, Alison, Helena aka "Sestra" and Rachel are all back for another ride with the clone club that seems to have expanded to include men. Maslany better get an award next season, she's playing five people!

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It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Shaneka Torres

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Screencap via Google Maps

The incident: McDonald's didn't put bacon on a woman's bacon cheeseburger. Twice.

The appropriate response: Complaining. Twice.

The actual response: She fired a gun into the restaurant.

Last February, Shaneka Torres (pictured above) and an unnamed friend ordered bacon cheeseburgers from a McDonald's in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Staff at the restaurant messed up the order, giving Shaneka and her friend regular cheeseburgers. Shaneka complained to a manager at the restaurant, who told her that she and her friend could get free bacon cheeseburgers on their next visit. So far, so good.

They returned later that night, and, once again, asked for bacon cheeseburgers. And, again, they were served cheeseburgers without bacon. Shaneka was super not into this.

According to a report on the local ABC affiliate, Shaneka yelled at a worker, before pulling out a pistol and firing one round into the restaurant from her car.

The bullet shattered her car window, and passed through the restaurant " at about head level" without hitting anyone.

Shaneka was arrested shortly after at her home. She was charged with carrying a concealed weapon, discharging a firearm into a building, and felony use of a firearm.

She appeared in court yesterday, where a jury took less than an hour finding her guilty. She will be sentenced next month, and could face up to seven years in prison.

No word on why the fuck the staff at that McDonald's have such difficulty putting bacon on cheeseburgers.

Cry-Baby #2: An unnamed 12-year-old

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Screencap via Google Maps. Bleach via Wikimedia Commons.

The incident: A woman confiscated her daughter's iPhone.

The appropriate response: Sucking it up until you're old enough to buy your own iPhone.

The actual response: The girl allegedly attempted to kill her mother.

According to a report on Denver's Fox 31, on an unspecified date, an unnamed woman seized the iPhone of her unnamed daughter for unknown reasons.

Some unspecified amount of time after this, the mother drank a smoothie. As she did so, she reportedly noticed that it smelled of bleach. "She thought that her daughter had maybe just cleaned the glass and that there was still bleach left in it," said commander Heidi Prentup of the Boulder County Sherriff's Office. After finishing the smoothie, the woman is reported to have gotten sick.

According to police, the mother realized that the bleach was not accidental a couple of days later, when she drank from a glass of water that also smelled of bleach.

The mother confronted her daughter, who allegedly confessed that she was trying to kill her. "She said that she had wanted to kill her mother because she had taken her iPhone from her," commander Heidi said.

The daughter has been arrested on two counts of attempted murder. The mother did not ingest enough of the bleach for it to be life-threatening.

Which of these folks is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:

Previously: A guy allegedly shot someone for bringing him the wrong brand of beer and someone called an amputee a "cry baby one leg" in an argument over parking.

Winner: The amputee-hater!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

Like The Ten Commandments on Easter and cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving, it's time for a seasonal ritual: The Fox News freakout over debauched college kids swarming America's beaches for the pagan rite known as SPRAAANG BREAAAAK.

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Trying to decide between Papyrus or Comic Sans for your next flyer? Now you can use both with this versatile new font!

Evil mastermind Ben Harman has created a font that perfectly blends the two most universally hated and overused fonts into one lumbering abomination. It's called Comic Papyrus and I hate it. 

"Comic Papyrus combines the timeless rustic qualities from centuries past with the hilarious fun-loving wit of today's funny pages," the creator explains on CreativeMarket.com. "It'll make you laugh (like a joke) and cry (like a mummy). Simultaneously!"

This upsetting font will only set you back $5, and the potential applications are endless. Use that bad boy in a resume and see what happens! 

• Jeb Bush — who has got to be tired by now of being laughingly referred to as “the smart one,” but screw him, let’s never stop doing that, he IS supposed to be the smart one, isn’t he? — has had a lot of campaign problems for a guy who hasn’t officially launched his presidential campaign yet. Here’s his latest:

Read more on The Way Jeb Bush Is F*cking Up, You’d Think He Was Already Running For President…

Apparently, Saturday, March 28, 2015, is National Something on a Stick Day. To celebrate, participating Hot Dog on a Stick locations will give a free Hot Dog on a Stick to customers who come by with a printable version of the chain's signature hat.

You can find the printable hat on the Hot Dog on a Stick Facebook page as well as on their website.

The offer is limited to one free original turkey or veggie Hot Dog on a Stick per guest.

In 1984, 83-year-old actress Clara Peller famously asked, "Where's the Beef?" The importance of her inquiry was in no way diminished by the fact that it appeared in an advertisement for Wendy's—people wanted to know the location of the beef.

Thanks to the popularity of that ad, Wendy's annual revenue rose by 31 percent. Millions were convinced that the beef resided at Wendy's locations, but this assumption was thrown into doubt when Peller, who had filmed the first commercial for $317.40 a day, appeared in a 1985 Prego spaghetti sauce advertisement where she exclaimed, ''I found it. I really found it.'' Wendy's terminated her contract—which had been increased from that original paltry sum—because the spot "infer[red] that Clara found the beef at somewhere other than Wendy's restaurants.''

To make matters even more muddled, the 4'10" Peller starred in a commercial for Praise Complete dog food announcing that she had found the meat (not explicitly "beef") therein.

Is this a riddle with no end? Will its enigmatic echo ring throughout eternity, plaguing whoever dares try to find the beef to a lifetime of misery?

No.

Here, according to the 2012 USDA census of agriculture, is the beef:

The beef is all around us, especially if you live in northwest Texas.

In today's Tweet Beat, Patrick Stewart knows how to woo the laydays, Chris Evans is living his dream and Terry Crews is the greatest.

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When I turned 20 I added an extra package of ramen noodles to the pot and treated myself to some wine coolers that just happened to appear in my refrigerator. But it appears Starbucks is going the more traditional route to celebrate the 20th anniversary of its Frappuccino, by debuting a limited-time birthday cake flavor.

Starbucks first started experimenting with blended drinks in its Los Angeles store in 1993, and began selling coffee-flavored Frappuccino drinks in all of its 500 North American stores in 1995, reports CNNMoney.

Starbucks sold 200,000 Frappuccino drinks in the first week, doubling expected sales, according to the company’s director of brand management, Done Moore.

The icy concoctions now come in variations that don’t even include coffee, including the birthday cake drink it’s selling March 26 through March 30. The drink is made with vanilla bean and hazelnut flavors blended together and topped with “raspberry-infused” whipped cream.

It didn’t come up with the Frappuccino name, however, and instead acquired it when it bought The Coffee Connection, a Boston shop that served frappuccinos in a soft-serve machine.

The Frappuccino helped change the company by bringing people into the stores even when it was hot outside, Starbucks says, a time when many people eschew hot drinks in favor of icy refreshment.

“With Frappuccino, we were able to level out the dips in store traffic in the summer,” said Dina Campion, who oversaw 10 Starbucks stores in Southern California and was instrumental in bringing the Frappuccino about.

In its first summer, the Frappuccino accounted for 11% of sales, boosting the company stock to a record high.

Starbucks sells Birthday Cake Frappuccino to celebrate Frap’s 20th [CNNMoney]

Android/iOS: DJ 51 uses shared music from your Spotify account and from all of your friends' accounts to build the perfect playlist for your party, study session, or any other get-together. As long as everyone's shares music through the app, DJ 51 mixes it all into a constant stream of tunes all of you will love.

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