IKEA Monkey

Mornings are hard. And, we don’t need the added responsibility, or have the time to manually shovel cereal into our face.

Luckily, Ivan Owen and his daughter are here to help save our mornings. The crafty duo invented a Cereal-Eating Machine… and it’s built for speed.

It’s certainly not built for efficiency, as more cereal will probably wind up on the kitchen floor than in your mouth. No mention if the duo has plans to mass produce their morning-enhancing invention. In the meantime, dads will have to come up with another way to piss off mom before work.

Please watch this…

[link, via Mashable]

Mitt Romney finally stepped into the ring for his charity boxing match with Evander Holyfield on Friday night, the oddest thing you’ll ever seen featuring a former presidential candidate. Romney took on Holyfield to raise money for Charity Vision, an organization that brought in around $1 million from the bout and will be able to help 40,000 regain their sight.

The fight itself was all smiles and light touches, with Romney throwing in the towel at the end of the second round. I’m not sure what led to it happening in the first place, but the sight of Romney in his boxing outfit was worth it. It was also apparently a good bit of public relations for Romney according to his wife in a chat with CNN:

“The whole thing makes me laugh,” Ann Romney said, chuckling, as she told CNN before the match. “Mitt might write like a fantastic editorial about the Iran nuclear deal and how troubling it might be and nobody reads it. But he’s going to step in the ring with Evander Holyfield and like the whole world knows.”

The highlight of the fight was this “epic” knockdown, certainly not staged at all:

And then we also got to see Romney work the body a bit, “floating like a bee and stinging like a butterfly” according to Holyfield:

All that was missing was an appearance from the Fan Man and a possible run in by Riddick Bowe. Actually, this entire thing would’ve been a lot better if it turned out more like the Thunderlips fight from Rocky III. I’d pay a good bit of money to see Ann Romney hit Evander Holyfield with a chair. Not enough to buy my own car elevator, but a good bit.

(Via CNN / Mashable / The Guardian /Jody Genessy)

Music producer Jonathan Dagan, a.k.a. j.viewz, recently visited the produce section, and then recreated Massive Attack’s “Teardrop” with fruits and vegetables.

After first hooking up strawberries, grapes, eggplant, carrots and mushrooms to his keyboard and turntable — Dagan is able to reproduce the sounds of the electronica classic.

Check it out below, and then go ahead and stream Blue Lines for the remainder of the day. You’re welcome.

[link, via Lost At E Minor]

There was a tense exchange between and Jeb Bush a college student in Reno, Nevada, over George W. Bush's legacy. The likely presidential candidate seemed to let the remark slide.

When it comes to stacking meat-upon-meat, pretty much nothing surprises us these days. So a hot dog on a hamburger? Pretty much inevitable (see: bacon on hamburgers). Adding potato chips? Sure, why not get it all done with at once. That’s the lineup for the Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s upcoming Most American Thickburger.

Along with the meat and Lay’s chips will be ketchup, mustard, tomato, red onion, pickles and American cheese, reports the Associated Press, with the whole thing weighing in at 1,030 calories and 64 grams of fat. It goes on sale for $5.79 alone or $8.29 for a combo at both restaurants starting May 20.

“The hot dog is like a smoked meat product, so it’s not unlike bacon,” Brad Haley, chief marketing officer of CKE Restaurants, the owner of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s told the Associated Press. “We’ve had this idea, believe it or not, for a long time,” Haley said.

We do believe, you, Brad. Because America does seem to go for meat overdoses — remember the Arby’s Meat Mountain?

This isn’t the ME Thickburger will be joining Thickburger siblings that have come before it, including the Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger and the Texas BBQ Thickburger.

CARL’S JR., HARDEE’S TOP BURGER WITH HOT DOG AND CHIPS [Associated Press]

The unique thing about the moonfish isn’t the fact that it's as big as a car tire or comically round. It’s its blood. The opah, or moonfish, is the first species of fish identified by scientists that’s warm-blooded. 

While tuna and some sharks can temporarily retain a bit of heat in the muscles they use for swimming [PDF], their bodies aren't fully warm-blooded. By contrast, the camera-shy and relatively little-studied opah keeps its whole body, especially its brain, at temperatures higher than its surrounding environment, as researchers from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Southwest Fisheries Science Center in California discovered. This, they write in the journal Science, makes the opah “distinctively specialized to exploit cold, deeper waters” up to 1300 feet below the surface. 

Blood vessels carrying warm blood from the fish’s heart are located directly next to those that carry cold blood in the gills, forming a counter-current heat exchange that works kind of like a car radiator. The warm blood from the fish’s core helps warm up the cool blood that has been closer to the cold water in the gills (where it absorbs oxygen).  

This makes the big fish a fearsome predator. Thanks to the warm blood flowing throughout its body, it likely has better eye and brain function than its cold-blooded counterparts. While most other fish in cold environments move relatively sluggishly, the moonfish is active and agile, with more muscle power and stamina to chase down its deep-water prey. 

One expert explains why where you choose to sit on a train can affect your odds of survival in the event of a crash.

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Elantra Cunningham

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Screencaps via Google Maps and Fox Atlanta

The incident: A man smashed a woman's car window, as she had left her dog locked in it on a hot day.

The appropriate response: Not being such a dick in future.

The actual response: The man was charged after the owner of the car insisted on pressing charges.

Earlier this month, a man named Michael Hammons (pictured above) was in the parking lot of a shopping center in Athens, Georgia, when he saw a small crowd gathered around a car.

The crowd, he discovered, were awaiting the arrival of the police, as a small pomeranian mix was locked inside with the windows rolled up and no water. Instead of waiting, Michael smashed the window of the car with the footrest of his wife's wheelchair and freed the dog, reports ABC.

After getting the dog out of the car, Michael took it to a nearby shaded area and gave it water.

When the dog's owner, 22-year-old Elantra Cunningham, returned to her car, she was reportedly really not happy about her window. "She said 'you broke my window,' and I said 'I did.' She says 'why would you do that?' I said 'to save your dog,'" said Michael.

Elantra was given a citation from animal control for leaving the dog in the car. But, despite this, she insisted on pressing charges against Michael for the broken window. "We didn't want to charge him, but he told us he broke the windows and when you have a victim there saying she wants him charged, we had no other choice," Chief Deputy Lee Weems, of the Oconee County Sheriff's Office told Fox.

"I knew there'd be consequences," Michael said. "But it didn't matter. Glass, they make new glass every day, but they could never replace that dog."

After news of Michael's arrest went viral, PETA announced they were awarding Michael with a Compassionate Action Award. "Rather than be arrested, this man should be applauded for deciding not to stand idly by, but for acting in the best interests of the victim," PETA's senior director, Colleen O'Brien, told Fox.

Cry-Baby #2: Anthony Hultine

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Screencap via Google Maps.

The incident: A dog "made a mess" in a guy's home.

The appropriate response: Cleaning it up.

The actual response: He allegedly shot the dog.

According to police, 19-year-old Yuma, Arizona resident Anthony Hultine, was looking after his roommate's pit bull mix puppy mix while the roommate was out of town.

The roommate had taken the puppy in several months earlier after finding it wandering in the street.

According to an account of the event that the roommate later gave to police, the dog "made a mess" while Anthony was looking after it. The nature of the mess was not specified by police.

In response to this, Anthony drove the dog to the nearby Blaisdell area, where he shot it and attempted to bury it, according to the roommate.

The injured dog was discovered later that day by a passerby. The Yuma Sun reports that the person was able to track down Anthony's roommate through social media. The roommate, after collecting the injured dog, called the police.

Anthony was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct, cruelty to animals, and criminal damage. All of which are felonies.

The dog (which has since been named Brady) survived, but required surgery. It is currently in the care of a local Humane Society chapter.

Which of these dog-related psychos is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this little poll down here:

Previously: A guy who allegedly attacked someone with medieval weaponry during a road rage incident vs. a man who allegedly shot someone for talking to his wife.

Winner: The road rage Braveheart!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

What...what are you even going for here, McDonald’s? Why is any of this happening? Why are you doing this to us?!

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Verdant, peppery, bright green pesto is one of those things we could put on anything — heck, you could put it on a rubber shoe, and it’d probably still taste delicious. It’s usually made out of fresh basil, pine nuts, Parmesan, garlic, and olive oil, but did you know you can actually make a pesto out of pretty much anything?

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Quiznos' Turkey and Spicy Brown Mustard on Pretzel Bread features turkey, Swiss cheese, spicy brown mustard, mayo, lettuce, tomatoes, and onions all on their new pretzel bun.

I picked up a regular size (8") for $5.99.

Quiznos is a little late to the pretzel bun party but I decided I wouldn't mind trying one more rendition of the suddenly popular bread. Unfortunately, this bun was one of the blandest of any pretzel bun I've had. I felt like I was eating a regular, albeit denser, sub roll.

The ingredients on the bun were a different story. I thought the turkey had a good smoky flavor and was incredibly moist. I only wished my sandwich was assembled a bit better so it wasn't spilling out of the sides. The spicy brown mustard was tangy and maintained a very strong presence in the sandwich. I appreciated the lighter flavor of the mayo to help balance it out but it was still the star of the sandwich.

The tomato and lettuce tasted fresh enough but for some reason, onions were a no-show. They were on the sandwich but didn't bring any flavor. The Swiss cheese was also hard to find. In some of the more turkey-filled bites, I could taste the cheese melted onto the meat but it was generally lost in the sandwich under the spicy brown mustard.

Overall, I was unimpressed by Quiznos' turkey version of the pretzel sub. I would have liked more from the bread and less from the spicy brown mustard. The mustard tasted okay, but it was just too overpowering. The turkey itself was great and I’d have no problem ordering it on another sandwich from there in the future.

Nutritional Info - Quiznos Turkey & Spicy Brown Mustard Pretzel Bread Sub
Calories - 690 (from Fat - 190)
Fat - 27g (Saturated Fat - 7g)
Sodium - 2180mg
Carbs - 87g (Sugars - 11g)
Protein - 39g

By Darius.

Hello, my name is Cleo. I love to play with my new friends Ari, Einy and Misty. I'm a Corgi, Jack Russell cross. I like to sleep between the pillows of my parents, and they seem to wake up to my wet nose in their face. My new family thinks I'm the best.

Here’s Lupita Nyong’o twirling in a one-of-a-kind Gucci gown at the Cannes Film Festival in France.

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Cate Blanchett, who can do no wrong, has done a little more right, continuing the normalizing of notions of sexual fluidity in the mainstream. Many, when thinking about Cate Blanchett’s love life, associate her with her long and seemingly stable marriage to Andrew Upton, with whom she co-artistic directs the Sydney Repertory Theatre. But when she was being interviewed by Variety about her upcoming role Todd Haynes film, Carol (adapted from Patricia Highsmith’s The Price of Salt) — which is about the relationship between two women — she was asked whether she’d ever dated women. Blanchett nonchalantly responded, “Yes, many times.” The Variety piece then continues to paraphrase Blanchett’s dismissal of labels.

In the past, it’s so often been the case that actors have defended their straightness by asserting their distance from — coupled with an appreciation and sympathy for! — the queer characters they play. Hopefully the effortlessness of Blanchett’s admission will continue cracking open a door for celebrities — and people in general — to feel more comfortable about discussing queer relationships without worrying it’ll lead to Hollywood (and societal) typecasting.

Carol is a 1950s period piece, in which Blanchett plays a NY woman who falls for a much younger store clerk, played by Rooney Mara. In the Variety interview, she also discussed the difficulty they had getting the film made for this very reason:

It was so hard…Midrange films with women at the center are tricky to finance. There are a lot of people laboring under the misapprehension that people don’t want to see them, which isn’t true… I want [gender equity] to not be discussed anymore. But it needs to be discussed.

Carol premieres at Cannes on May 17.

The Western Hockey League Bantam Draft was held today. Here are the first names of the players selected, as compiled by Blueshirt Banter’s Adam Herman:

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More than two out of five American honeybee colonies died in the past year, and surprisingly the worst die-off was in the summer.

Will Selma filmmaker Ava DuVernay direct the next Marvel superhero movie? The comic giant certainly hopes so, and insiders suggest that the studio has recently been trying to court DuVernay to direct Black Panther or Captain Marvel.

The move would be a first for MCU, which has never had a woman direct one of its movies (Thor: The Dark World was almost directed by Patty Jenkins but “creative differences” saw her replaced by Alan Taylor). DuVernay’s hiring would also make her Marvel’s first African-American director.

Since the worldwide premiere of Selma, DuVernay has been busy developing a TV series based on Natalie Baszile‘s novel Queen Sugar for Oprah Winfrey’s OWN network; she also recently wrapped CBS’ civil rights drama pilot For Justice; lastly, she has a yet-untitled movie about Hurricane Katrina on her plate that will star fellow producer David Oyelowo. It looks like Marvel will have to do some heavy courting.

In today’s Tweet Beat Anna Faris and Chris Pratt continue their adorable streak, Amy Schumer and Tracee Ellis Ross look great together and Ashton Kutcher gets philosophical.

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Monday night’s Dancing With the Stars semifinals featured a sweet proposal from contestant Noah Galloway to his girlfriend Jamie. Yes, it was an aw moment, congrats, yayyy... But the best part of it was Erin Andrews’ reaction, which was the epitome of ughhohhmygodyay!

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The director has apologized for saying: "Look who's leaving — all the black people," but she said Monday she doesn't think the remark was racist.

It should not be necessary for the Obama administration to tell health insurance companies, “Seriously, you have to, it’s THE LAW!” about the requirements of the Affordable Care Act, but alas. It seems the insurance industry figured the Department of Health and Human Services’s specific guidelines for coverage of women’s preventive health care were, like, suggestions. Not the actual law that insurance companies are required to follow, because it is THE LAW:

Read more on Yes, Insurance Companies Have To Cover Your Vag…

Trader Joe's Maple Water features the sap from a maple tree. Basically, it's the stuff that people reduce to make maple syrup.

A 32-oz carton was $2.99.

Maple water is a good name for this as it's clear and just as thin as water (they must boil a lot of the stuff to make a single bottle of syrup). The taste is a little different though.

I was expecting something that tasted like watered down maple syrup but it's more like really, really watered down maple syrup. There's a very light sweetness as well as a very light rendition of that cloying maple taste.

The carton is marked "Refresh & Hydrate" and the maple water is pretty refreshing and I'm guessing since it's mostly water, it'll also hydrate you very well.

Overall, Trader Joe's Maple Water was a nice enough take on water and was interesting to try but, given the price, I think I'd rather just drink water.

Nutritional Info - Trader Joe's Maple Water
Serving Size - 8 fl oz (240mL)
Calories - 25 (from Fat - 0)
Fat - 0g (Saturated Fat - 0g)
Sodium - 0mg
Carbs - 6g (Sugar - 5g)
Protein - 0g

The Grateful Dead are not only selling out their Soldier Field shows at record pace, they are also helping to sell out many Chicago hotels. If you are already planning on going out of town for the July 4th holiday, you can make some good cash offering up your digs. [ more › ]

Tropical Storm Ana lost the last of its strength and was downgraded to a depression as it created wet and windy conditions along the North and South Carolina coasts.

[body_image width='1400' height='933' path='images/content-images/2015/05/08/' crop='images/content-images-crops/2015/05/08/' filename='how-will-i-know-if-i-want-to-be-a-mother-508-body-image-1431104288.jpg' id='54252']

Photo by Flickr user Nana B Agyei

This March, I turned the same age my mother was when she had me. Since that birthday, I've been contemplating motherhood on a deeper level than ever before. My mom has made it clear that she expects to have grandchildren. When she brings it up, I nod my head and change the subject. I don't know how to tell her that there's a possibility I will never have kids. I don't know how to tell her that, because admitting to having even a slight disdain for motherhood feels wrong.

Women who don't want to have children are often told that they are making a selfish decision. Selfish for not wanting the responsibility parenthood entails, for not wanting to invest their time and money into another life. One such "selfish" woman, Holly Brockwell, recently wrote in the Guardian about her failed attempts to get sterilized in her 20s. Doctor after doctor refused to do this for her because they were convinced she would change her mind. They also called her selfish. "I've explained that I'm a blood donor, an organ donor, a bone marrow donor, and even tried to give my unwanted eggs to childless couples—only to be told they're not suitable because I'm a carrier for cystic fibrosis," she wrote. "Even this didn't sway them."

We live on a dying planet slowly being ravaged by the sheer weight of humanity, yet the pressure to keep creating new life still somehow exists. Childless women shouldn't be criticized—they should be cheered. Thank you for not making any more humans! We have more than enough! In fact, we have millions who've been abandoned and could use a home. Oh, but they wouldn't have your eyes, or your chin, or your family's genetic predisposition for heart disease? Never mind, forget I said anything.

Here's what I can't figure out: Do I feel obligated to have children more than I feel a true desire to have them? This feeling of obligation comes pouring into me from literally everywhere. When it's not my family, it's some television show or movie. It's that consistent plot line of someone somehow getting forced into parenthood and becoming a supposedly better person because of it. Seth Rogen isn't a lazy stoner anymore! Kate Hudson is no longer so obsessed with furthering her successful career! What everyone seems to want me to know about parenting is that it will only make my life better, no matter how much of myself I have to give up. That's why, when I admit hesitation, I am made to feel like that is a statement I will regret.

I don't understand why becoming a mother is still seen as a woman's top priority in life.

People, like my mom, insist that it's because of my age, or because I am just not yet in the right mindset. I am then reminded of that biological clock. It's going to start ticking before I know it, and when it does, I'm going to transform into a baby-making machine. I don't get why I'm told this so often. I don't understand why becoming a mother is still seen as a woman's top priority in life.

During this year's Passover dinner, my mother's best friend did her dirty work for her and spoke to me about a friend of theirs who is in her mid 40s and childless. She spoke of this woman in a pitying tone, angering me enough to suggest that perhaps this woman is happy to not have children. Those words could not compute in her head. Her response was, "She just waited too long, and now she can't. If you wait too long, you'll regret not having one."

When I see puppies, I know I want one. When I see babies, my reaction is different. Some babies here and there might get a "how cute" out of me if they're wearing sunglasses or have a little mohawk, but never do I think to myself that I want one. I've seen firsthand what it entails to be a parent. When I was 16, my mother remarried and gave birth to my sister, my first sibling. When I was 22, my father had a daughter with the woman he remarried, my second sibling. As much as I love them both, their presence in my life at such a late age has done nothing but make me more aware of how exhausting and unfulfilling I think of motherhood as being.

I don't particularly enjoy spending a lot of time with children. I just can't muster up the patience to watch repeated episodes of Dora the Explorer. Neither can I feign enthusiasm for playing stupid games like hide-and-seek. I get deeply irritated hearing them cry every single time they hear the word "no" (actually, maybe I'm just jealous that they're socially allowed to do that). The feelings I have about children should signal that motherhood is not for me. But the response I get when I tell people this is never, "OK, then don't be a mom." Instead, it's a creepy-sounding sentiment along the lines of: You won't know how much you'll love having a child until you have one.

Wait, what? If this were a some sort of internet thread, I'd post that meme of the Star Wars fish-alien thing saying, "It's a trap!"

Why do people say this? Is it true, or is it more feeding into the culture of women being considered worthless if they never procreate? What the hell kind of advice is that anyways? You would never tell a sociopath to just murder someone if they're unsure of their ability to be a serial killer. This feels a lot like that. What if I go through with giving birth, banking on suddenly having all of my feelings changed as soon as that child is in my hands, but the feelings don't change? Now I'm stuck being a mother, when that's really not what I want to be. I'd rather not be a mother at all than be one who deeply regrets it. Not only would I be miserable, but my child would be too.

When I fantasize about my ideal future, children are an afterthought.

That's another thing never really talk about: How many of us are actually fit to be parents? My generation seems more financially unprepared than the ones that have come immediately before. We are branded as the generation that will never grow up because we rely on our parents to financially support us well into our 30s. According to a Canadian survey from 2014, 43 percent of those polled aged 30 to 33 admitted to not yet being financially independent. How can someone who can't support themselves support a kid?

When I fantasize about my ideal future, children are an afterthought. I see a successful career, a husband, multiple dogs in the backyard, and then think to myself: "Oh, I guess I'll have a kid or two." Right now, I don't know what exactly this means. It could very well be what everyone says. I'm still young. I'm not yet in the right mindset. My biological clock is still being wound up. However, is it possible that my fantasy is telling me now that parenthood is really not something I want, but rather feel obligated to take part in? You know, like going to Coachella, but even more expensive. I guess the only real answer right now is that I'll have to just wait and see.

Follow Alison Stevenson on Twitter.

I went through the first 53 years of the SSA records and pulled out the best boy and girl names from the 900 to 1000 range for each year. Together, they make for great couples.

Even if you've never cooked with rhubarb, chances are you've spotted it on your grocery store shelves—the stalks are just plain beautiful, with their deep red, pink, and green hues. And their puckeringly sour flavor balances out exceptionally well when cooked with sugar. The result is fresh-tasting and bright with a smooth texture, sweet-tart flavor, and vibrant rosy color. We've got 18 recipes to show you just how good it can get. Read More