IKEA Monkey

Start a great weekend with these interesting links!

  The power of Cate compels you! To decide whether she looks amazing in this, or like she stole something from Gary Oldman’s Dracula wardrobe and has just been silently waiting until now to wear it, OR BOTH. I mean, in fairness, I would totally let Cate Blanchett suck my blood and turn me into a Read More ...

Maybe it’s the lack of Tom Brady. Maybe it’s the election season. Maybe everyone’s out apple-picking instead of at home watching football. Maybe it’s because you’ve already cratered in your office fantasy football league because you invested too heavily in the Carolina Panthers? (Why are you looking at me like that?) Whatever the cause, fewer people seem to be watching pro football in 2016.

The Wall Street Journal points to Nielsen data that shows live NFL viewership is down 10% overall (on all networks) through the first four weeks of the season, with the Thursday, Sunday, and Monday night games seeing even bigger declines in viewership.

Given that the NFL has survived striking players, replacement reps, repeated allegations of violence and substance abuse by athletes, and Terry Bradshaw’s singing, it comes as a bit of surprise to some that something is failing to lure viewers to the TV.

Yeah, there was the absence of New England’s handsome quarterback (and lover of expensive, unmade bed), but he’s just one player on one team (a team that continued to win, for the most part, without him under center).

What about the election? The Sept. 26 presidential debate was indeed watched by more than 81 million people, and that surely cut into some of the audience for that Monday Night Football game between the Atlanta Falcons and the New Orleans Saints, but again that’s just a single game.

The upcoming Oct. 9 debate is the only of the remaining pre-election primetime events that will go head-to-head with the NFL. This time, the candidates will be up against heavier competition for TV eyes as the Sunday Night Football matchup is between the New York Giants and Green Bay Packers, two teams with large fan bases.

The Journal notes that while NFL viewership is down so far this year, ratings for cable news networks are up during this — to put it mildly — contentious election season, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that all or most of the people tuning in for the latest political news are turning off football.

It could also be a simple case of lost interest from the most casual NFL fans, who may have been tuning in out of habit rather than having any vested interest. Consumers may also feel overwhelmed by the constant presence of the NFL in advertising (see the earlier referenced Tom Brady mattress ad, not to mention the omnipresence, however charming, of Peyton Manning) and other non-football content (we’re looking at you, Dancing With The Stars).

After all pizza might be wildly popular, but not everyone wants pizza all day Sunday, and three nights a week for dinner (plus college pizza all day Saturday and maybe high school pizza on Friday).

One ad-buying exec tells the Journal that his folks are befuddled by the cause of the drop in NFL viewership through the so-called quarter pole: “We cannot pinpoint any specific reason why the numbers are down. It is probably being caused by a confluence of events.”

The Thursday and Monday night games, on CBS and ESPN, respectively, are taking the brunt of the ratings decline this season. Primetime national sporting events can be a big ratings risk, as you’re asking all of America (many of whom have strong rooting interests for a single team) to forgo other primetime programming to spend three to four hours watching two teams they might not care about play a game that has little or no impact on their team of choice.

A lackluster matchup, or a blowout that doesn’t provide any drama for viewers without a built-in rooting interest, can be a difficult sell. If the Monday Night game is already decided by halftime, are you sticking around to find out who gets the Gruden Grinder at the end of the game?

Oh, Eric Trump, ye blonde Grendel. I love that I am getting to see more and more of you these days! I just...love it!

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  I’m one of those people that enjoys watching Zooey Deschanel. Every show has its weak stretches, but for the most part I really enjoy New Girl‘s brand of humor and I think that whole cast has good comic timing. It’s probably the vehicle in which I’ve most enjoyed her (most people probably say Elf), which is intriguing given that Read More ...

Black Mirror — Charlie Brooker’s anthology show mining horrors from our wired, mediated, ever connectively disconnected culture — is about to make its premiere on that immersive, binge-inducing platform, Netflix. Soon you’ll be able to plug into the machine, disconnect from your reality, and watch six episodes of television about unsettling alternate, disconnected realities. Netflix has just released the first trailer for the upcoming season — which, like previous ones, sees a separate cast navigating varyingly creepy and alienating semi-futuristic scenarios in each episode.

In the trailer, there are glimpses of the Bryce Dallas Howard-starring episode (written by Rashida Jones (!), Michael Schur, and Brooker, and directed by Atonement‘s Joe Wright) “Nosedive,” where Howard plays someone consumed by social media who, per the Daily Beast, exhibits a “swiftly deteriorating grasp on sanity, in a world in which one’s self-value is intertwined with their social-networking status, that feels all too familiar.” You’ll also get snippets of the lauded Mackenzie Davis and Gugu Mbatha-Raw-starring episode “San Junipero,” a somewhat uncharacteristically romantic episode that Flavorwire TV critic Lara Zarum pointed out breaks form in seeming to be set in the ’80s — or is it? There’s also footage from the Malachi Kirby-starring episode Men Against Fire, which is a horror narrative wherein Kirby plays a soldier protecting villagers from some kind of mutant (according to /Film, Brooker has said one of the episode’s themes is the way drones are changing the nature of war.) The other three episodes — Shut Up and Dance, Playtest, and the 90-minute Hated in the Nation — are also teased. The season will be available to stream beginning October 21.

Watch the trailer:

Florida Gov. Rick Scott says he will not extend the deadline for voter registration in the state despite concerns over the impact of Hurricane Matthew.

Roast Beef Reuben Special on the river, by the River. 📷: @mallorykorol /📍: @riverroastchi #7dayweekend http://ift.tt/2dCgcEA

California Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez and state Attorney General Kamala Harris are both running for Senate, which is an exciting and noteworthy moment for women in politics. But let’s focus on what’s really important: one of them used Wednesday night’s debate to awkwardly and bizarrely punctuate a point by... dabbing. Loretta Sanchez, girl: please don’t do that.

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In Meridian, Idaho, you don't have to be a human to be a hero.

Hurricane Matthew has caused the worst humanitarian crisis in Haiti since the deadly 2010 earthquake, according to the UN.

If you’ve watched Stranger Things, you’re familiar with the show’s break-out child stars, including Millie Bobby Brown, who plays the telekinetic Eleven. If you didn’t watch Stranger Things, they probably still look familiar by now. These kids have been on a never-ending press tour that would kill a grown person, and it certainly seems to have given her dad a case of Show Parent Madness.

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There’s a new compilation of Elliott Smith covers due out next week, and since it is a thing in the world that is Elliott Smith-related, it is of great interest to Flavorwire. The compilation, entitled Say Yes!, has been in the works for quite a while — it was first announced in March — and we’ve heard two tracks from it already, namely Yuck’s version of “Bled White” (meh) and Julien Baker’s “Ballad of Big Nothing” (beautiful!). As of today, we’ve now heard three, because J Mascis’s “Waltz #2” appeared on Soundcloud overnight.

Mascis’s world-weary voice is a perfect match for Smith’s songwriting, so it’s no surprise that this cover works a treat — although, curiously, in this case Smith’s original “Waltz 2 (XO)” is really just a jumping-off point here for Mascis’s own work. He reworks the lyric significantly, so much so that this is almost a new song — it uses the “I’m tired” bridge as its chorus, and the rest of the lyrics are more impressionistic interpretations of the song’s subject matter than anything else. The instrumentation is also markedly different to the original — it’s dominated by Mascis’s trademark fuzz-laden guitar sound, which sounds not unlike the electric guitar Smith deployed to great effect on several of the tracks on From a Basement on a Hill, and is thus less jarring in this context than one might expect.

All in all, this sounds like an Elliott Smith song that could have been but never was, which is quite the achievement on Mascis’s part. Bravo!

What should you do after you've been attacked by a bear -- twice? Put it on Facebook, of course.

Aurora, Indiana, residents are up in arms after a float depicting Donald Trump executing Hillary Clinton in an electric chair was featured in a local parade.

There are several ways to handle a breakup. You can take it day by day and stay busy with the help of your sympathetic friends, stay in on weeknights and mope around in your pajamas, or send 3,000 text messages to your ex until he or she blocks your number.

Or you could turn to Byro Zoltan, owner and proprietor of BreakupDok.com. Zoltan describes himself as a "personal breakup counselor," and for a small fee, he promises to coach you on how to win your ex back and permanently repair your relationship.

"I had three special relationships in my life, as well as three painful breakups," he said. "But the last one put me on the road where I am today. It came with such a deep emotional pain that I felt like my soul was ripped into millions of pieces. I watched the woman of my dreams get married to another man and start their own family." After that split, he created BreakupDok because he "believes in a dream that one day men and women will respect and love each other in a way that they can solve their issues with grace and understanding, so the breakup rates of today's world will be just a bad memory in our history."

BreakupDok.com is covered in self-help ad banners that paint a fairly optimistic picture: "10 Signs That Your Ex-Girlfriend Wants You Back," "How to Make Your Ex-Boyfriend Respond to Your Call," "Quick Tips and Tricks to Make Your Ex-Boyfriend Regret Breaking Up with You" (which includes tactics like "write a card invoking old memories"). Zoltan offers three different tiers of service: the basic package runs about $100 and includes "10 email responses" and "10 SMS responses" to answer your most pertinent questions about how to win him or her back. The $297 package offers unlimited emails, and the obtuse $897 edition (referred to as the "Peacock") comes with hour-long, one-on-one Skype strategy sessions and emergency phone access.

"In every unique situation, I create a customized roadmap that we follow and adjust according to any changes that will happen—mostly when their ex contacts them in a certain way," Zoltan explained. He claimed his system is simple and complex at the same time, and is designed to focus on emotional healing, improving one's self image, and mastering a strict "no-contact" rule, among other things. He also works on "deeply improving relationships skill, using social media tactics to influence their ex's feelings, building attraction via text messages, and other advanced psychology techniques required for different situations."

That might seem a little creepy—selling guides that encourage the emotional manipulation of exes isn't very ethical, and it likely won't solve the fundamental differences that lead to most breakups. But BreakupDok proudly states that the system will help the heartbroken "win your ex back with dignity," and Zoltan maintains that getting a former partner back is a realistic thing to hope for.

"In most cases, it's absolutely possible if you are open to change, arm yourself with a certain mindset, and follow the right instructions," he said. But Zoltan also admits there are situations where issues of compatibility are present, and that some relationships aren't worthy of being salvaged. "Getting your ex back is just one part of the equation," he says. "Keeping them interested and getting them to commit for life is harder than most people think."

It's easy to see how Zoltan and others online have found success with promises of getting back together with an ex. Breakups suck, and severing ties with someone you may have a deep emotional connection to is hard; it can make you feel alone and devoid of self-worth, and building that self-worth back is also part of Zoltan's job. "I believe in my dedication, focus, and strong will to understand each breakup situation and create real results for my clients. That's all that I care about."

Zoltan isn't the only one working in this industry. Brad Browning is probably the biggest name in breakup counseling. He hosts a YouTube channel with several videos promoting the same techniques you'll find on BreakupDok; while introducing his program, Browning says, "Would you ever forgive yourself if you let the woman you love slip out of your life forever? For the next eight minutes, I'm going to explain how a naturally occurring hormone inside your ex-girlfriend's mind gives you a foolproof way to make her fall deeply in love with you again."

What Browning and others in this burgeoning online sub-community offer is pseudoscience at best, and a mean-spirited scam at worst. People get back with their exes all the time, but framing it as attainable through a system of behavior is genuinely disquieting. Letting go is hard, but the idea that we never have to let go, ever, is a delusional and maybe dangerous fantasy.

Zoltan doesn't see himself that way, however, and although he's charging significant fees for things he can't authentically promise, he says he's seen it work many times before. His favorite success was a 37-year-old man from Budapest who believed his relationship was permanently destroyed. "We took things very gradually and planned ahead until they started to talk more often to each other. After six or seven weeks, she was back in his life," he says. "I hope that for many years they will be together. I can tell you that it was a truly great day for me too."

Follow Luke Winkie on Twitter.

After a wobbly start, Drunk History has found its footing again with “Legends.” The theme is broad enough to really go in any direction. And indeed, Derek Waters and his team have found three tonally disparate stories about three very different kinds of legends. The fact that this episode outshines the season premiere really boils down to the episode titles. “Great Escapes” describes an action, and last week’s stories were, accordingly, plot-driven, relying on action to keep the momentum going. They were about historical events, and the people they involved weren’t fleshed out enough to really hook. But “Legends” describes the people themselves. Obviously, Drunk History gets into specific historical events with these three stories, but they’re also about who these three legends are, not just what they did. Whenever Drunk History delves into the humanity of its stories, it transcends its goofy premise. And that’s ...

Okay jokers, listen up. Maybe you think dressing as a psychotic clown seems like jolly good fun. Maybe you see it as some larger commentary on the macabre absurdity of human existence. Maybe you didn’t have to sleep with the lights on for an entire summer after watching Steven King’s It at a slumber party. I don’t care — we’re done with this bullshit.

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It was only a matter of time. The Great Clown Scare of 2016 is officially here. [ more › ]

In a living room in western Pennsylvania, the Republican National Convention was on TV, and Melanie Austin was getting impatient.

"Who's that guy?" she said, watching some billionaire talk about prosperity and tolerance. "Prosperity and tolerance? Forget that sh--."

She lit a cigarette. Her boyfriend,...

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West's former bodyguard said because of the way the heist was executed he believes it was an inside job.

The reality TV star was "badly shaken but physically unharmed" after the Paris incident, according to a spokeswoman.

Florida parents brawl at Florida Chuck E. Cheese’s because Florida https://t.co/nOIy7uO4oo via @krvstel pic.twitter.com/cI0makRFMm

— Billy Corben (@BillyCorben) October 3, 2016

The Battle Royale is technically a fight involving three or more opponents, but colloquially, we know Battle Royales as melees involving countless fighters in a small area. This form of combat was made popular by the WWE’s Royal Rumble, and to a lesser extent, WCW’s underrated (kinda) World War 3.

It takes a lot of planning to make a Battle Royale happen. You need a large amount of competitors willing to sign up and more importantly, show up (see: eastern European football hooligan fights). But, sometimes, just sometimes, the stars align and an impromptu battle will break out in the most unlikely of places. In this instance, a Florida Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant. You know, Where A Kid Can Be A Kid®.

We join the action en media res, where no less than 15 combatants hammer-fist each other like they were cheating at Whack-A-Mole. A few solid uppercuts are thrown by the man in the pea-soup green shirt before two other men from possible opposing factions tie up and send everyone careening into the claw machine with its red lights flashing just like the incoming police cruisers. That’s some serious imagery, life.

Through all of this, people wrestle on the floor, pummel for underhooks against various games, and the women check their hair that was just viciously yanked while everyone is seemingly ignoring their children, who are hopefully safe, off-camera.

Surprisingly, Chuck himself didn’t wade into the fray. A kid’s entertainment outfit can basically act as body armor in these types of scenarios, and a giant rat calming everyone down is probably what this ridiculous moment needed.

We already suspected that most Americans gain weight around the November and December holiday season. Now, an analysis of smart scale data shows that’s true—and that right now, you’re probably at your lowest weight of the year.

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This is entertaining: Megan McArdle considers four possible economic approaches to how couples should order food in restaurants.

3. Individual property rights, with option trading. Now we’re moving toward a more centrally planned economy. The menu is individually consulted, and then the two parties state their preferences. If these preferences are strong, then matters proceed much as in the above strategy. However, if indecision is expressed, the trading is opened: “If you get the clam chowder, I’ll get the mushroom crostini, and we can split.” Option trading is usually, but not always, confined to the appetizer course. Any offer can be refused, and a substitute offered — “What if I got the clam chowder, and you got the ham timbales?” — or both parties may reluctantly conclude that no trade is possible, and revert to their original choices.

Well done, Team Restaurant! You are now beginning to realize the magnificent benefits of trade. Coordination and cooperation have permitted you to agree on choices that jointly improve utility.

However, I must tell you that you are still probably not at the highest valued use of your food dollar. You are almost certainly investing most of your effort in appetizers or shared desserts, which are the minority of your spending, time and consumption. If you want not merely to improve your utility, but to maximize it, then you are going to have to invest more effort in coordination.

Her conclusion is spot on; it’s the best way to dine out.

Tags: economics   food   Megan McArdle

Jennifer Garner was recently out and about in Los Angeles, enjoying a post-workout coffee when, naturally, a swarm of paparazzi descended upon her. But rather than flipping the bird and proceeding with her day, she told the buzzards that she and Brad Pitt are now dating.

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The bees once crowded Hawaii and Maui but recent surveys found their populations have plunged in the same fashion as other types of wild bees.

In a move that blatantly disregards our unspoken agreement to never think about the Olympics when they aren’t taking place, President Barack Obama welcomed a slew of U.S. Olympians to the White House on Thursday, including the gold-medal-winning women’s U.S. gymnastics team.

And since Obama is a funny guy, he attempted to get into the splits with the team in front of the White House photographer. At least, that’s what the caption says. Really, Obama slightly bent at the knees and said, “Caption the photo so it says I tried to do the splits.” He’s barely lunging but whatever. How can we ever trust him again?

The White House welcomed Paralympians as well, although there were some big-name absences at the event.

This is the last group of Olympians the Obamas will host at the White House, as the president noted in his speech to the group.

Among the athletes were Simone Biles, Michael Phelps and Aly Raisman. Gabby Douglas, who underwent surgery to remove her wisdom teeth earlier this week, did not attend. Swimmer Ryan Lochte was banned from the event.

First, could Douglas not have had her wisdom teeth yanked at literally any other time? I get not wanting to make a public appearance when your jaw is all swollen but you skipped a White House visit. Get it done a week earlier or a week later.

Second, Lochte being banned from the White House is great. I like to think he didn’t know he was banned and tried to attend anyway, only he was standing alone outside Monticello wondering where everyone was.

Third, yeah, the Obamas can’t host Olympians at the White House ever again, but why not at their house? You’re telling me if they invited gold-medal winners to their private residence, they wouldn’t come? Spring for some catering, get a bouncy house in your backyard and create some viral content when the gymnasts go wild in that thing.

Then again, what if Michelle runs and wins? That would mean four to eight more years of the Obamas pretending to do splits in front of White House photographers.

I feel like I’ve kind of lost the point of this story. American Olympians and Paralympians were at the White House. They had fun. Thanks for reading.

(People)