Well, it isn’t technically part of the BPCU (Black Phillip Cinematic Universe), but it’ll more than do. Black Phillip fans will be excited and terrified to know that the breakout star of 2015’s The Witch — or The VVitch: A New England Folktale if you’re the butter-eating, pretty-dress-wearing type — also makes an appearance in A24’s latest horror offering, It Comes at Night. In an interview with Mic, the film’s stars Riley Keough and Christopher Abbott reveal that Charlie, the goat who portrayed The Witch’s malevolent farm animal, returns to play, well, a different goat not named Black Phillip. “Yeah, it was literally the same goat,” Abbott confirms. “He or she wasn’t as featured in our movie, but [it was the] same goat actor.” Is there any way to live more deliciously than being in multiple A24 movies? Sure, yes, flying around naked in the woods with your new friends is up there, but a successful acting career is definitely a close second.

Hello Friends! As you know, it is a busy day in politics: The British Election (everyone who follows me on Twitter knows my views), and the whole Comey bit back home.

For those of you who are extremely stressed (understandable), here is a little reprieve: a lovely New England Victorian Home.

Just kidding. You know that movie “Shutter Island”? Well, this is Shudder Hell. 

This lovely 1996 home features 4 bedrooms and 4.5 baths, totaling a reasonable 6,300 square feet. It can be all yours for just around $830,000 USD!

Lawyer 80s Hilton Garden Inn Foyer

That’s right folks, it’s a vintage house. For the purpose of this blog, it has aged wonderfully like a fine wine. 

Extremely Good Room

I’m sorry, I can’t get over the Live Love Laugh wallpaper border. I just can’t. Such gifts from above only come every once and a while and we must savor them immensely.  

Dining Room

I get a kick out of the things people hang in their houses because of Fixer Upper. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a lid from an aluminum garbage can framed by a magnolia wreath on Pinterest somewhere.

Also, aren’t starburst mirrors passé now? 

Kitchen

Is it just me or does this kitchen seem inconvenient in general? The dishwasher is far from the sink, the stove is far from the oven and the refrigerator - I don’t know about y’all but I’m a pretty bad klutz so this is maximizing the possibility of kitchen disaster.

Master Bedroom

Addendum:

Master Bathroom

Here’s the thing about these huge excessive tubs: an outdoor hot tub usually only has to be filled or emptied every once and a while, and is specifically engineered to be hot and steamy. An excessive sunken garden tub is engineered to do none of those things and also has to be filled and refilled constantly - a strain on any home’s hot water heater. 

Bedroom 2

There was room for a James Comey joke in the “Bureau” bit but i just decided to go with the English lit references instead. 

Bathroom 2

Pretty sure I’ve seen such terraced formations in the actual Zelda games. 

Also those are excessively sheer curtains for windows facing the street, but it’s none of my business. 

Bedroom 3

I know nothing about sports but I was in Boston for the Superbowl, though I was there to go to see the Boston Symphony because, unlike the New England Patriots, I am a loser. 

Furthermore, why is the girls room directly connected to the boy’s room without a “Jack & Jill” bathroom in between? It’s just a little strange, is all. 

Bedroom 4

What is even the point of those overpriced stuffed animals? What else can you do except look at it, sit on it for a while before getting bored, or intermittently ask it woeful questions like “Why do mommy and daddy yell at each other so much?” 

(I’d like to personally take a moment to thank Lemony Snicket for giving me this sense of humor.)

Oh no! We’re out of house! (shockingly no rec room on this bad boy) All that’s left is: 

A Very Bad Photo of the Rear Exterior

All that house and y’all couldn’t spare a decent patio. Tsk Tsk. 

Well, that does it for Massachusetts! Join us on Monday, where I go into that time in architecture when mainland Europeans anthropomorphized architecture (”Disney Princesses, but they’re all different types of columns”) and Thursday for a Michigan McMansion!

Have a good weekend! 

If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!  Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! 

Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store- 100% goes to charity.

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2017 McMansion Hell. Please email kate@mcmansionhell.com before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)

Another beloved anime property is getting the live-action treatment. Deadline reports that Cowboy Bebop, which originally ran as a 26-episode TV series from 1998 to 1999, will be adapted by Chris Yost (a writer on Thor: The Dark World and Thor: Ragnarok) in conjunction with Sunrise, the studio that handled the property’s original incarnation. The setting for Bebop is the year 2071, and an incident involving a hyperspace gateway has rendered Earth all but inhabitable, forcing humans to colonize other solid planets and moons in the solar system. That sets the stage for a space Western focusing on Spike Spiegel, a former hit man turned leader of a crew of bounty hunters (called Cowboys) that hunt down the worst criminals in the galaxy. In this broken future, the crime rate is high, and a legalized contract system has been implemented for registered cowboys to bring in bad guys in exchange for rewards. Tomorrow Studios, the company developing the new Bebop, is also currently working on a TV adaptation of the movie Snowpiercer.

Including a World Trade Center spot

A dozen new Blue Bottle Coffee locations are headed to the East Coast, fueled by a new, $6 million Brooklyn roastery. The announced expansion is more evidence of Blue Bottle’s plans for third-wave coffee world domination, although the venture capital-backed brand is less welcome in its own backyard than ever before.

In NYC, six new Blue Bottle locations will open from the World Trade Center to Williamsburg. Six more will open from Miami to Boston. Meanwhile, a San Francisco Blue Bottle location in the Lower Haight was recently rebuffed because of the chain’s size, although a Pacific Heights location opened to the public this week — the chain’s 35th overall.

• Blue Bottle to expand coffee empire on East Coast [SFGate]
• Blue Bottle Blocked From Lower Haight Because It’s a Chain [ESF]
• Why Blue Bottle Spent $6 Million to Build Out One Store [Inc.]

garbagefingers:

wehavesuchfun:

venusianhag:

birchwitchbasic:

johnstamostimelessbeauty:

Virgo, clean their makeup brushes

Virgo, stack papers or dishes or whatever is lying out into neat piles.

Libra, tell them specifically and without prompting how they should redecorate to maximize their space

Libra, wake up much earlier than them to clean their dishes

Virgo, I’m probably canceling so it’s like the opposite of invasive. Just weird and frustrating.

Aquarius, Stay out of my shit, low key not trusting you for the rest of my life. 

Anderson Cooper (50)
Sean Berdy (24)
Imogen Poots (28)
Lalaine (30)
Rafael Nadal (31)
Detox Icunt (32)
Nikki M. James (36)
Kelly Jones (43)
Arianne Zucker (43)
Jason Jones (44)
Kerry King (53)
James Purefoy (53)
Jill Biden (66)
Suzi Quatro (67)
Deniece Williams (67)
John Dykstra (70)
Irma P. Hall (82)
Tony Curtis (1925-2010)
Colleen Dewhurst (1924-1991)
Josephine Baker (1906-1975)

Pic: Instagram

To celebrate the start of Gay Pride Month, Billboard asked A-list superstars of the music world like CupcakKe, Cousin Dionne Warwick, Celine Dion, Belinda Carlisle and Liza to write a love letter to the LGBTQ community. Brit Brit Spears wrote words of sweetness too, and since she (or Daddy Spears), knew that hater whores like myself would say there’s no way she wrote that letter herself, she gave Billboard receipts.

Brit Brit gave them a picture of her working Wite Out-covered nails while writing the letter in what looks like the middle of an Ethan Allen showroom.

This is my letter of love to all my LGBTQ fans. Continuously throughout my career, you’ve always been so vocal about what a positive impact I’ve had on you — that I’ve instilled joy, hope and love in you at times when there was none. That my music is an inspiration. That my story gives you hope.

But I have a secret to share with you. You see, it’s actually you that lifts me up. The unwavering loyalty. the lack of judgment. The unapologetic truth. Acceptance! Your stories are what inspire me, bring me joy and make me and my sons strive to be better people.

I love you.

Britney

Hmm……. I’m still not sure if that letter came from Britney herself. First of all, there’s not a piece of chewed-up gum stuck to the corner of the letter. Second of all, the Britney I know (read: the one I made up in my head) only writes with Cheetos ink, and it’s nearly impossible for her to finish writing a letter. Because she only uses Slim Jim-scented stationary and every time she gets a whiff of it, she eats the paper and the letter is gone. Every time!

And here’s the fashion and gay icon strolling through the airport in Tokyo today.

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Pics: Wenn.com, Billboard

awkwardgumdrop

Told this guy I was a lesbian on MANY occasions 👌

Back in 1997, an entire country screamed, “RUN, VILI, RUUUUUUUN,” after the news came out that Vili Fualaau’s married sixth-grade teacher (she was also his second-grade teacher) Mary Kay Letourneau was arrested for statutory raping him. Vili was just 12 years old at the time and Mary Kay was 34. Well, Vili finally heard our cries 20 years later. Maybe.

The Stepford Wife-looking pedo served only 6 months in county jail after pleading guilty to two second-degree counts of child rape. She was also ordered to stay away from Vili. She gave birth to their first child in May 1997, before checking into jail. Two weeks after she got out of jail in 1998, she shit on the court’s order to stay away from Vili and she got caught with him. She was sentenced to seven-and-a-half years in state prison for violating probation. She gave birth to their second child in 1998 while serving her sentence. She got out of prison in 2004 and married a then 21-year-old Vili a year later. And now they’re separated.

People says that earlier this month, 33-year-old Vili filed from legal separation from 55-year-old Mary Kay in King County, Washington. Vili’s lawyer said that he’s just not happy anymore with the crazy-eyed predator. Since their kids are 20 and 18, they probably don’t have to work out child support.

“She could try to contest it, but that’s legally tough to do. Perhaps if they want to figure out about the children and child support, but their kids are getting pretty old now. When one person is unhappy in the relationship, the other person can’t be happy either. And there are two people in this relationship.”

But apparently, Vili himself told Radar a different story. Vili said that he and Mary Kay still love each other, and he only filed to legally break up with her, because he’s trying to get a license to sell “Cigaweed,” which is described as a “marijuana cigarette.” Vili can’t get a license if he’s still legally with Mary Kay:

“When you want to get licensed, they do background checks on both parties. If I decide to be a part of it I have to be licensed and I have to be vetted and so does a spouse. She has a past. She has a history.”

Okay, everything I know about the weed business I learned from watching 15 minutes of Marijuana Inc. on CNBC (and I don’t remember much since I was stoned while watching it), but wouldn’t whoever is doing the vetting use this brand new advanced investigative tool called the “internet” to look Vili up and see that he’s trying to snow their asses by filing for legal separation when he’s not really separated? You’re not supposed to spill the details of your schemes out loud, Vili!

There’s a chance that Vili finally dumped Mary Kay. If that’s the case, then I’m guessing the “Vili Fualaau” that Radar talked to was actually that lunatic wreck Mary Kay doing a Vili voice.

Pic: ABC

im-just-a-little-fire-sign

Sir Ian McKellen (78)
Aly Raisman (23)
Neon Hitch (31)
Roman Reigns (32)
Thorgy Thor (33)
Rasheeda (35)
Esmé Augusta Bianco (35)
Terra Jole (37)
Joe King (37)
Cillian Murphy (41)
Ethan Suplee (41)
Molly Sims (44)
Lindsay and Sidney Greenbush (47)
Octavia Spencer (45)
Jamie Kennedy (46)
Anne Heche (48)
Stacy London (48)
Mike Myers (54)
Connie Sellecca (62)
Eve Ensler (64)
Jacki Weaver (70)
Frank Oz (73)
Leslie Uggams (74)
Ann Robinson (88)

Pic: Instagram

After 17 years of marriage, Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor have just announced that their marriage has come to an end. “With tremendous love and respect for each other, and the 18 years we spent together as a couple, we have made the decision to separate. Our priority will continue to be raising our children as devoted parents and the closest of friends. We kindly ask that the media respect our privacy at this time,” the pair told People via a statement Friday. Parents to 11-year-old son Quinlin and 15-year-old daughter Ella, the pair married on May 13, 2000. The Meyerowitz Stories actor and Search Party actress costarred in a number of comedies throughout their relationship, including Zoolander, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Tropic Thunder, Arrested Development and Zoolander 2.

explosino:

Five new rentals, from the Tenderloin to the Mission

Welcome to Curbed Comparisons, a regular column exploring what you can rent for a set dollar amount in different neighborhoods. Is one person's studio another person's townhouse? Let's find out. Today's price: $1,500.

↑ Note that $1,500/month amounts to less than half of the median market rent in San Francisco (although according to the census it is very close to the actual median rent paid by most longtime denizens). As such, the fare offered on Craigslist trends to the small side. Take this one-room studio sans kitchen at the Emperor Norton Inn, an SRO on Post Street a few blocks east of Union Square. Well, it’s colorful, the panel mirror is a nice touch, and you can scope out the whole thing from one standing position. Bathroom is shared with the floor. Note that two years ago, these same rooms were $1,300/month.

↑ Cow Hollow offers a similar studio set-up for the exact same $1,500/month price, although note that this is zoned as an actual apartment building rather than an SRO. In practice, the difference seems to be mostly a bit more space, its own bathroom, the potentially clever addition of the sink cupboard, and the Fillmore Street locale just south of the Marina. The ad calls this a “vintage building,” meaning that it went up back in 1912. No pets allowed, which at least spares renters the dilemma of where they’d go.

↑ Heading west to the Sunset breaks things out of studio style in favor of an attic apartment with two bedrooms and one bath—or three bedrooms and two baths; the ad can’t seem to make up its mind. In either case, the house on 22nd Avenue and Noriega offers a little more room to grow plus an actual kitchen for the $1,500/month, although note that the “attic” designation here is not an attempt at color, it does appear to be a rather snug space at the top of the building, two or more bedrooms and all. The ad doesn’t mention pets.

↑ Over in the Outer Mission—so outer, in fact, that walking a few blocks south leads to Daily City—the offer is “TWO independent Bright SMALL IN-LAW Units for rent” with two bedrooms and one bath apiece. No pets allowed—in fact, the list of what isn’t allowed is longer almost than the rest of the ad put together—but at least the rent comes down a little bit to $1,430/month for one of these little places on San Francisco’s lowest-lying frontier.

↑ As always, there’s the Tenderloin, in this case offering another studio at Ellis and Jones for $1,350/month—nearly a third of market rent by some estimates, for the record—in a building that throws some Spanish accents on the outside and a little bit of class on the homes inside. Still no pets allowed though—even in the Tenderloin, you can’t have it all.

THE SHIRTS ARE BACK AND WORSE THAN EVER.

On Monday, The Bachelorette will premiere its first season starring a black lead, the lawyer and way-too-good-for-this-bullshit-show-but-goddamn-if-it-isn’t-entertaining Rachel Lindsay. And while this marks a major change in the franchise’s history of exclusively casting white people who have milked a cow in the last month and are also named Kevin, there remains a tradition that has stuck around: the contestants wearing not-great shirts!

These shirts, by the way, are the sole images that ABC releases to the public before the season starts. They, along with a questionnaire, the answers to which range from spectacularly maniacal to maniacally spectacular, are the only information we have to determine just how Kevin-esque each of the contestants are.

So if you’ll join me, below are Rachel’s 31 (!!) suitors and their shirts, ranked from least-worst to worst.

31) Iggy, 30, consulting firm CEO

People may contest that this is a good shirt, but this is a good shirt. It’s substantial, fabric-wise, and it comes in a rich yet muted color. I’m also going to ignore some of Iggy’s more questionable survey responses (his favorite movie is Grandma’s Boy while his favorite magazine is the Harvard Business Review, which does not exactly compute) and instead appreciate the fact that he “hates it when my date is dumb.” Same!

30) Blake E., 31, aspiring drummer

Blake E. gets a pass here because his shirt is so uninteresting I literally can’t even think of anything to say about it. Thankfully, however, aspiring drummer Blake E.’s questionnaire gives us such unfortunate delights, like that he has a tattoo of the letter D “for the dog I rescued,” he hates “when my date tells me about her cats,” and he loves music “with good drums!”

29) Blake K., 29, US Marine veteran

Speaking of Blakes, I am highly into Blake K.’s chartreuse situation, and also the fact that he’s a Marine vet and said that he would like to be The Rock for a day “because he's the only person who could look cool wearing a fanny pack.” Blake K., I am willing to bet that you too could pull off a fanny pack, m’dear.

28) Diggy, 31, senior inventory analyst

Diggy’s pink shirt is good, but HOT DAMN DIGGY’S GLASSES! I’D LIKE TO WARBY HIS PARKER, IS THAT A THING? However, we regret to inform you that Diggy’s “fun story about a one-night stand” is actually a horrifying tale in which Diggy admits to having sex with a girl whose brother goes missing, and then “played asleep so I didn’t have to help!”

27) Grant, 29, emergency medicine physician

Just by looking at Grant’s face and shirt, we already know three important things about Grant: First, that he was the social chair of his frat; second, that he loves “Ice Ice Baby” and Playboy; and third, that he once shit into a 2-liter Coke bottle while on a bus.

26) Brady, 29, male model

Brady, a male model with the face of a serial killer and the shirt of a salami, actually had one very endearing questionnaire answer. When asked about the most romantic present he’d ever received, he didn’t say “a threesome,” like not one but two of the other contestants. Instead, he said this: “Lululemon sweatpants. She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.” Actually, on second thought, it just seems like Brady is a Lululemon spokesmodel. Disregard.

25) Eric, 29, personal trainer

The third in a series of vaguely cranberry-colored shirts, Eric sets himself apart by answering the question “If you could live in any other time period, what would it be?” with “Before money was involved,” with literally no explanation. Does he mean the dinosaurs? I think he means the dinosaurs.

24) Bryce, 30, firefighter

Cranberry shirt #4 Bryce had one very good answer and three very, very, very bad answers. The good one was that his most romantic gift was a handwritten letter, because “handwritten letters are one of the purest forms of materialized emotion.” The bad answers were that he “could see himself being Matthew McConaughey,” he aspires to be a “professional Instagrammer” and his biggest date fear is that “the chick is actually a dude.” BYE BRYCE.

23) Kenny, 35, professional wrestler

The most aggressive of all the berry-flavored shirts this season, Kenny also spends his Saturday nights doing the very aggressive activity of “wrestling in my underwear for thousands of people.” He is one of many contestants who shouts out The Rock in their answers, but Kenny is the only one about whom he says, “We are very much alike.” That’s some confidence, Kenny.

22) Milton, 31, hotel recreation supervisor

Milton’s henley falls on the “good” end of the henley spectrum, mainly because the buttons don’t reach anywhere near the stomach area. (Are you listening to this, Nick Viall?) Unfortunately, that’s where Milton’s positive qualities end, because other facts about Milton are that he has an inner lip tattoo, he described himself as “Kobe” in a former basketball league, and he thinks being romantic means you’re weak. He also was the sole contestant to answer the question “What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?” with “Real answer? Discovered. Everyone tells me I'm made for TV/movies. Doesn't mean I'm out here hoping for that, but I would like to break into writing or acting.” Is this honest in a charming way or a gross way? I think it is in a gross way.

21) Jack Stone, 32, attorney

Jack Stone, who goes by the name “Jack Stone” despite the fact that there are no other Jacks on this season, says his worst attribute is being “hard on himself.” I wonder if that’s where his name comes from!!?!??!?!!!!!?????

20) DeMario, 30, executive recruiter

DeMario’s necklace might be a bit much, but I think I am in love with DeMario. DeMario’s dream is to have a pet lion and name him “Denzel, the lion;” he’s “geeky but cool, like The Fonz;” and to the question “Do you like being the center of attention?” he said “I won't lie, I love attention... not like ’07 B Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention, like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.” Who else but DeMario could turn a boring question into an opportunity to talk about 2000s pop culture?!

19) Adam, 27, real estate agent

We now move onto a section entitled Boring White Guys In Gray T-Shirts. This is Adam, who loves tacos, Jennifer Lawrence, and Transformers. His most romantic moment was a threesome.

18) Jonathan, 31, “tickle monster”

This is Jonathan. He’s a “tickle monster.” He named Flo Rida as his third-favorite music group.

17) Lucas, 30, “whaboom”

I don’t know what a “whaboom” is and I don’t care. Helpfully, Lucas has described himself in other ways, such as “cat uncle,” “Russian dancer,” and “person who would like to fuck Jessica Rabbit.”

16) Jedidiah, 35, ER physician

I don’t need to tell you that Jedidiah, who wears extremely tight gray V-necks and is named Jedidiah, has not one but two biblical tattoos (if you guessed a) a cross and b) Proverbs 3:5, you’re correct!). But personally, I find the most charming fact about Jedidiah is that when asked what things make him happiest, he answered “new socks, nice hotel rooms, good pens, and in-room coffee.” I’m pretty sure he wrote this while sitting in a hotel room, which is adorable and stupid.

15) Peter, 31, business owner

Rounding out Boring White Guys In Gray T-shirts, here’s Peter, who has competed in three Ironman races and loves Modern Family. Moving on!

14) Matt, 32, construction sales rep

What’s more boring than boring white guys in gray T-shirts? Boring white guys in blue T-shirts! Meet Matt, who loves Wedding Crashers, the band Train, lingerie, and “team sports.” He also had the best answer I’ve ever seen when asked what person he would like to switch places for a day with, which was MATT LAUER!!!!!!!!

13) Rob, 30, law student

Here’s boring white guy in a blue T-shirt #2, Rob, Tom Cruise’s long-lost little brother who once admitted to having blonde highlights and diamond studs in the early 2000s. That’s the most exciting fact about Rob, which I think is all we really need to know.

12) Michael, 26, former professional basketball player

Michael’s quasi-sweatshirt shirt is weird, but Michael himself seems nice: He played basketball professionally (in Bulgaria), wants to have lunch with President Obama, and loves Denzel and the ’90s sitcom Martin. He does, however, follow the Paleo diet, so in the words of Randy Jackson, it’s gonna be a no from me, dawg. Good luck with Rachel, though!

11) Josiah, 28, prosecuting attorney

Josiah seems like a legitimately good match for Rachel — he’s a lawyer, says he’s a natural leader and public speaker, and loves long phone calls with his mom. But literally none of that is evidenced by his choice of shirt, which looks like a the top half of a pajama onesie you wear on Christmas Eve as a joke.

10) Will, 28, sales manager

Meanwhile, here is Will, in the top half of a pajama onesie you wear on Easter as a joke.

9) Mohit, 26, product manager

I don’t much care for Mohit’s shirt, which can’t decide whether it’s a henley (occasionally hot) or baseball tee (rarely hot unless you’re Derek Jeter), but Mohit gave the world an extremely clever way of thinking about beauty routines: When asked how long it takes him to get ready to go out, Mohit replied, “An episode of Seinfeld.” From now on, whenever anyone asks me how long I’ll need, I’ll just say “Three and a half seasons of 30 Rock, so I probably won’t make it after all, bye!”

8) Jamey, 32, sales account executive

Jamey, who has the name of a tiny baby, also appears to have the temperament and personal style of a tiny baby, which includes stripes so teensy weensy you can barely tell they’re there. Jamey loves EDM, is currently getting a tattoo removed, wants his ideal mate to look like “a model,” and describes his best friend of the opposite sex as “I do not have female friends.” Charming!

7) Anthony, 26, education software manager

While Anthony’s shirt color is a bit much, he makes up for it with the fact that he’s the recipient of a Fulbright grant who reads Murakami, and if he could be anyone else for a day, he’d be his mom, so that he could “see the world as she does to understand her better.” ANTHONY WINS, GO HOME, EVERYONE ELSE! BUT MAYBE TAKE ANTHONY’S SHIRT WITH YOU!

6) Bryan, 37, chiropractor

Bryan appears to be an escapee from The Bachelor contestant production facility, as evidenced by his perma-10-o’clock shadow, egregiously deep V, and his name, which is Bryan. He also named The Bachelor as his favorite show, which is just a little too on the nose. This one needed a bit longer in the factory, boys.

5) Dean, 26, startup recruiter

I was going to give Dean the benefit of the doubt with this weird-ass fake acid wash T-shirt because he has a very Rebel Without a Cause vibe happening in the hair area. But then Dean revealed he has an inner lip tattoo that says “Riteous.” And then he had the audacity to say that “whenever a girl tries to bite me I have to stop everything and have a discussion.” DEAN!!! YOU HAVE AN INNER LIP TAT! AT THAT POINT YOU’RE ASKING FOR IT, BUD!!!

4) Kyle, 26, marketing consultant

KYLE, WHAT?! First of all, you don’t need to button down your henley this deeply to show us you shave your chest hair. WE KNOW, KYLE. Also, you do not need the necklace. We are already staring at your chest. More things I want to yell at Kyle about: his answer to the question “Gluten?” which was just “Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.” WHY!?!??!?!

3) Fred, 27, executive assistant

Come on, Fred. Have you seen this show? You don’t show up in a business-blue oxford and a cream-colored sweater and last longer than Week 3!!! But Fred also did something extremely sneaky, which was that he named Basquiat as his favorite artist. Like I’ve said before, knowing who Basquiat is should immediately disqualify anyone from competing on The Bachelor. But do you know who also named Basquiat as her favorite artist? RACHEL. WE SEE YOU, FRED.

2) Lee, 30, singer/songwriter

Lee, whose shirt is essentially a sandwich board that reads “Please punch me,” loves Matthew McConaughey and Scarface. And judging by his haircut and profession, I’m also guessing playing unrequested renditions of “Crash Into Me” at parties.

1) Alex, 28, information systems supervisor

Alex. Oh, poor, poor Alex. Now, this shirt, while very V-necky and purply and stripy and altogether Far Too Much, is not a crime in itself. Yet Alex’s questionnaire responses are just too good not to publish in full. So please, save your opinions about Alex’s shirt to the following Alex facts:

What are your 3 worst attributes? Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ate a live salamander

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why? Coldplay, Beatles... Can't really think of a third one. Music isn't a big part of my life.

Who is your favorite artist? The Rock (Dwayne Johnson)

Remember, without Alexes, we don’t have a reality show. I look forward to Alex and Rachel discussing their favorite artworks on Week One, and then never seeing Alex’s face again.

Of course he cried! This is the white witch! The white-winged dove! She IS Rhiannon, the story of a Welsh witch!

Harry Styles, who seems to be quickly reaching a Tay Tay Swift-level of omnipresence lately, was joined by Stevie Nicks at his show at L.A.’s Troubador, last night. They dueted on one of his songs, and two of hers – “Leather and Lace” and “Landslide.” Landslide is already a tearjerker, but then sing it with Stevie herself and try not to fall apart. They should have done “Edge of Seventeen,” because I wanted to see Harry try and match Stevie’s microphone kicks and shawl twirling and fail miserably.

Watch Harry fall apart (at the 4:35 mark), below.

And be sure and clock Stevie’s truly formidable platform boots in that video. Stevie is 68 years old and wearing boots that would snap the ankles of these lesser chicks. She is a goddamn treasure.

Pic: TMZ

Remodeled inside. Chicken coop outside. New and old meet again.

Cedar shingle siding wrap this 1906 bungalow in traditional Northwest style. The 2005 remodel by Ninebark Architects is also a classic, a classic balancing of old and new.

Both hard and soft woods provide warm flooring. Wood slat ceilings are less common, and a reminder of the original construction. Someone put them up there over a hundred years ago and they’ve survived passing trends of popcorn ceilings and acoustic tiles. One alteration is the addition of modern fixtures.

Folks familiar with commercial kitchens may appreciate stainless steel that isn’t constrained to the appliances. The counters are sheets of metal that are lighter and less likely to chip than slabs of stone. Open overhead shelving provides airflow and connects the rooms, while also providing storage, of course.

At least one of the three bedrooms has modernistic closets and skylights that are relatively recent additions.

Check out the innovation shower in one of the one and three-quarter bathrooms. Large square tiles wrap the enclosure and extend to the flooring. The innovative use of space was putting the sink in the shower area, an all-in-one cleaning station.

They found room for an office and an entry/reading nook in the 1,200 square-foot house.

Outside, get rural in an urban neighborhood. A chicken coop, tool shed, and raised beds help gardeners grow their own food. The bonus is an insect eating patrol that produces eggs. Check to see if the flock is part of the deal.

A private deck and patio provide places to take that reading or dining outdoors. Simple pleasures.

One requirement for enjoying the house, successfully negotiating the deal for the $550,000 property.

• 5206 13th Ave S [Estately]
• 5206 13th Ave S [REMax]

LINK IN BIO.

Hello Friends! Like most small children who go on summer vacation after spectacularly arduous finals, the days for me have begun to blur together and it was only this afternoon that I realized today was not in fact Wednesday. 

Anyway, apologies to the horse people on the internet, I seem to have found the only dang house in Kentucky without horses, but to be fair, the horses didn’t do anything to deserve my wrath. In fact, I don’t know why horses put up with all our dumb human BS. Horses of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your reins! Just remember what happened to Cobalt in The Saddle Club!!!! 

Like most weird girls, I, too, used to read too many horse books as a kid. 

Anyways:

This lovely 2003 house boasts 4 bedrooms and 4.5 baths, pushing a total of ~6000 square feet. It can be yours for just under $800,000! 

Sadly, there are no dank lawyer foyer pics, so we’re gonna start with the 

Living Room

RIP Hobbes

Dining Room

Nothing says passion like painting every visible surface red. I mean, those lampshades could def get an indifferent spouse rowdy, see what I’m saying?

Kitchen 

Like Willy Wonka, I have little patience for gum chewers, especially smackers. 

Also trying to cook from a cooking show seems like such a hassle before DVR.

Lady_Marmalade.mp3

Office

Pay attention, friends, this room is to set the tone for the rest of the post. Also Confession: The Notebook made me cry like a weenie in the 9th grade. 

Master Bedroom

Personally, I keep fresh sheets and pillowcases in my bedside drawer, along with a copy of Panic! At the Disco’s first album. Anyways, are the Red Hat Ladies even around anymore??? That stuff was a staple of 90s Hallmark stores. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re the ones responsible for the whole Live Love Laugh thing. The arch-trolls of our generation.

Master Bath

Maybe if I quit eating avocado toast (I’m sorry I’m never going to get over how extremely dumb that article is) I’ll be able to afford some bathtub plants and a mortgage. 

Bedroom 2

This kid must at least be in college by now, so that bedspread is a little unusual. I mean, I’m not judging - my bedspread has rowhouses on it. 

Bedroom 3

I remember the good ol’ days when yours truly was a bona fide member of the Myspace group “NO PREPS ALLOWED”

MAN CAVE (It has a sign)

We artsy fartsy folks love to lay the crap on college athletes, finding them undeserving of coveted scholarships just because they trained their bodies to do dumb crap involving balls. However, when I read this essay in 2011, it really changed the way I saw college athletes - they might get their school paid for but they get punished in so many other ways. 

Still, like most artsy fartsy people, I intensely dislike sports because I am not good at them. 

Bar

Can’t wait to spill red wine on a beige carpet.

Den

I now intensely believe the theory that red walls make you agitated and irritable because I am those things. Also there’s ur dang horse, Kentucky people.

Finally, our tour comes to an end.

Rear Exterior

Can’t wait to have that damask wrought iron branding right on the ol’ bummeroo.

Anyways, that’s it for Kentucky - Join me on Sunday for a long-awaited post about 18th Century architectural theory, and next Wednesday’s Maine McMansion! 

If you like this post, and want to see more like it, consider supporting me on Patreon!  Also JUST A HEADS UP - I’ve started posting a GOOD HOUSE built since 1980 from the area where I picked this week’s McMansion as Wednesday bonus content on Patreon! Not into small donations and sick bonus content? Check out the McMansion Hell Store - 100% goes to charity.

Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs in this post are from real estate aggregate Zillow.com and are used in this post for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2017 McMansion Hell. Please email kate@mcmansionhell.com before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)

Ever since it was announced that Penelope Cruz will be trying to transform her Spanish accent into an Italian accent to play Donatella Versace in Ryan Murphy’s The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story (which was called Versace: American Crime Story), I’ve been waiting to take in the sight of Penny in opulent fashion bitch drag. The paps took pictures of Penny as she strut to the set in Miami, FL yesterday, and well, I’m getting more “Penelope Cruz as Erika Jayne going to a funeral” than Donatella Versace.

The third season of ACS is set in the late-90s and so that was before Donatella checked into The Jim Henson Company’s studios and got them to transform her into the exquisitely-crafted rubber Muppet blossom she is today. So that’s why Penelope looks so basically boring and natural. Even though I really just see Penelope Cruz in a blond wig, I’m still not going to hate. It could’ve been ten times worse. It could’ve been Lady Gaga.

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Pics: Backgrid

Amy Sedaris is getting a new TV show. At Home With Amy Sedaris will air on TruTV in the fall of 2017 and star the comedian as herself. This is all very exciting. Amy Sedaris is one of the special ones.

While Sedaris has appeared in guest or recurring roles since Strangers With Candy ended in 2000 — most notably as Princess Carolyn on BoJack Horseman and Mimi Kanasis on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt — there has been nothing on TV from her wonderful, specific brain ever since. (Note: Strangers co-creator Paul Dinello will serve as a consulting producer on the series.) She has released two popular books, however — I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence and Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People! — and it appears they are the basis for the overdue series. The announcement called the show a “one-of-a-kind mash up of hospitality, variety, and talk show formats,” which seems to translate to “We’ve given Sedaris a budget and a half-hour time slot for her to do anything she wants.” You know that song “Shelter From the Storm” by Bob Dylan? This news is like the shelter part. All other news is the storm part.

How a crafty vintage curator turned her tiny Hayes Valley apartment into a junior one bedroom

When Catie Nienaber moved into her Hayes Valley apartment almost seven years ago, she kept what you might think of as a typical studio: a desk, some space-conscious shelving, and a bed right smack in the middle of the main living space.

"When you have people over, there's the unacknowledged vulgarity of the bed right there in the living room," she says. "I wanted this to be more of a space where I can have friends over and have chairs for people to sit in. Hence I turned my walk-in closet into the world's smallest one-bedroom."

Nienaber, who works by day as a human resources administrator for a startup and runs the online store Dronning Vintage in her off hours, went looking for a mattress that would fit in her walk-in closet, but the closet wasn't deep enough for a standard twin. So she had one custom-made.

"It's basically a Euro-twin: a twin bed, except 10 inches shorter," she explains. Inside, there's no clearance around the mattress—that would take up too much space!—so Nienaber has to get into bed from the bottom, the way you'd crawl into a tent. There's no lamp, no bedside table, not even an outlet. Think of it as a cave for sleeping.

"It's pitch dark," says Nienaber. "I sleep so well. It's the best I ever sleep because everything's just shut out."

When we visited, Nienaber had about 400 items for Dronning's Etsy store stashed around the apartment, all cleverly hidden away in closets, bins, and—in the case of about a dozen hats—a vintage 1970s cooler.

Canvas baskets atop the bookshelves house handbags and shoes, and storage bins of clothes line the space above the kitchen cabinets, though most people don't spot those, says Nienaber.

The apartment, located in a multi-unit building that began its life in the 1920s as a hotel, clocks in at 430 square feet, including the closets. Oddly, though, the presence of a wall-to-wall mattress cloaked in darkness is only the second most remarkable thing about it. For such a small place, it's impressively empty.

When she moved in, the walls were off-white—"that rental French vanilla beige"—and the blinds were those standard-issue metal slats that come coated with years of other people's dust. Nienaber painted most of the walls gray and ordered a custom set of slouchy Roman blinds, which she installed with a vintage drill that had been her grandfather's.

"It's so badass," she says. "It weighs 15 pounds." Nienaber left one wall white in the kitchen, where she wheels in her dress form to shoot pictures for Dronning's Etsy store.

With bare walls and one high shelf, her bedroom is the apartment's sole unadorned space. "It's not decorated at all because I never intended anyone to see it," says Nienaber.

Originally published on January 2015.

• Joshua Tree midcentury home becomes writer's refuge [Curbed]