allie

Somewhere in a Little Tikes Climb & Slide Castle, Justin Bieber is holding a meeting with his lawyer Teddius Stuffington, Esq. to discuss last night’s on-point Saturday Night Live commercial spoofing those busted black and white Calvin Klein ads. “They’re just jealous haters. Can we sue them for being jealous haters? Think about it and get back to me – I want to watch Bubble Guppies before my nap.”

Because no one has gotten tired of laughing at Justin Bieber in his underoos trying to act like he just discovered his first pube, SNL put Kate McKinnon a pair of CKs, gave her a bunch of shitty tattoos, and let her drag him to hell. Seriously, I know we all joke about how perfect Kate McKinnon’s Bieber is, but that bitch does a better Bieber than Bieber himself. Justin, take notes – this is how you butch it up. Also, claps for Cecily Strong, who was able to totally nail Lara Stone’s “Do I seriously have to babysit this rugrat?” face.

“Yo, my pipi’s in there” might be the most Justin Bieber-y thing Justin Bieber has never said. And here’s some fun trivia for you: the rolled-up t-shirt Kate McKinnon used to stuff her crotch is the same one used on set by Justin Bieber to stuff his. NO! That’s not true at all. Kate used a much smaller rolled-up t-shirt.

But Kate McKinnon wasn’t the only one serving up “I’m not sure what I’m looking at” realness; Sia was the musical guest on last night’s episode of SNL, and it was all kinds of WTF. Sia has said before that she suffers from stage fright, so she performed wearing what looked like a pair of black frilly panties over her face while the Gummo girl from “Chandelier” danced around her. Later she was accompanied by a weird mime. Eh, still less disturbing than a filthy Shia LaBeouf in a pair of grimy beige underwear.

At this morning's Oscar nominations, Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs accidentally mispronounced the name of Mr. Turner's cinematographer as "Dick Poop." His real name is "Dick Pope," which provides its own uncomfortable mental image.

Read more posts by Nate Jones

Filed Under: dick pope ,cheryl boone isaacs ,mr turner ,oscar nominations ,oscars 2015 ,awards season

If you didn't already love David Oyelowo because of his performance in "Selma," you'll certainly enjoy this. A day after being snubbed for a best actor Oscar nomination, the Oyelowo showed up at the 2015 Critics' Choice Awards on Thursday worse a suit jacket inscribed with famous quotes from Martin Luther King, Jr. 

While on the red carpet, the 38-year-old British actor told reporters how he felt about this year's Oscars being so white. "The only way to put a dent in the very real fact that there is a disproportionate amount of people who do not look like me doing what I do is something that I'm just going to fight by doing the best I can with the roles I get.

Fashion meets pop meets civil rights. David Oyelowo's embroidered his jacket lining with MLK quotes: http://t.co/z5xJ6nfssp

-- julianne hing (@juliannehing) January 16, 2015

(h/t US Magazine)

Darlings, prepared to be BLASTED IN THE FACE WITH FIERCE.

Nicki Minaj for Roberto Cavali Spring 2015 ad campaign photographed by Francesco Carrozzini.

This fabu-bitch is serving up 21st Century China Machado realness and we are BOWING the hell DOWN.

[Photo Credit: Francesco Carrozzini/Courtesy of Roberto Cavalli]

This is the emergency plan pamphlet Henry Cavill was given before his one night stand with Paris Hilton. – Goopita

Upvote winner:

Sadly, men still won’t ask for directions. – Mapleleafgirl

Pic: Break

“The image shows two colliding galaxies, collectively called Arp 299, located 134 million light-years away. Each of the galaxies has a supermassive black hole at its heart.”

“NuSTAR has revealed that the black hole located at the right of the pair is actively gorging on gas, while its partner is either dormant or hidden under gas and dust.”

“The new X-ray data from NuSTAR — overlaid on a visible-light image from NASA’s Hubble Space Telescope — show that the black hole on the right is, in fact, the hungry one.”

The travel brochure DID say to have lots of rubbers on you in Vegas. – Sheena

Upvote winner:

Paula Deen knew she’d go unnoticed sitting next to this lady. – Miss Tia

Pic: Break

Cuteporter Dorobozaru O. is determined to visit every Cat Café in The Big J, and we’re totally fine with that. A few days ago we saw Neko Café Tango in Kyoto. This next bunch of photos are from Neko Café TiME, also in Kyoto. The two places aren’t related- Neko just means “cat.”

“It’s very close to Fushimi Inari Taisha, a shrine famous for having a LOT of red torii (gates.) This café is fairly new, it just opened in the summer. The best part, the kitties are all rescues!”

“They were either rescued from the street or adopted from shelters. For this reason, they are a little shy, but they’re being socialized in a wonderful way. The cost is quite reasonable, 1080yen/60 minutes, but you can choose more or less time too.”

“Handy tip, visit during the colder months and there will be a Kotatsu with many snuggly kitties sleeping under it. For those who don’t know, a Kotatsu is a table with a heater on the underside and a thick blanket under the tabletop that keeps your legs and kittens warm in winter.” [*Note- I want one of these. -Ed.]

“PS; The grumpy looking lady is named Momo (Peach,) the yawning tabby kitten is Kinako, the beauty with the black nose is Choco, and the fellow in the tux is Bob (the only gentleman on the premises at the current moment.)”

If You Go™:

*Addy: 〒612-0012 Kyōto-fu, Kyōto-shi, Fushimi-ku, Fukakusa Ichinotsubochō, 12−2 Hisayasu bldg 2F. (Map.)

*Hours: Open every day of the year, 9:30am to 8pm, with last admission at 6:30pm.

*Social: FB : Twitter.

One of the proudest and brightest moments of my year was when I was a little drunk (okay, a lotta drunk) and a little stoned (okay, a lotta stoned) and I went to take my dog to piss and caca downstairs. When I got back to my apartment door, I stuck the key in and the bitch didn’t work. I stuck it in again and wiggled it a bit. Nothing. (That’s the story of my life, by the way.) I did that a third time and when that didn’t work, I played with the knob before trying to push open the door. Still nothing. I started to think that in the 10 minutes I had been gone, someone broke into my apartment, changed the locks and was on the other side of the door, cackling at me while eating my goddamn Ben & Jerry’s. Just when I was about to scream for the police, I looked up at the door. Not only was I standing in front of the wrong apartment, but I was on the wrong floor. Sadly, that wasn’t the first time I’ve done that. Or the second. Or the third. It won’t be the last either. So I feel this messy woman’s struggle even though I had an excuse.

But really, that video is a visual metaphor for life. Aren’t we all just circling and circling, looking for a hole to stick the pump in? Or if you’re strictly a bottom, then you’re just circling and circling, look for a pump to stick in your hole. That video is all of us.

via Tastefully Offensive

Another holiday come and gone, another festive season
Again the houseful of in-laws and kids, running about for no reason
Mom burns the roast beef, Dad trips on the tree, Uncle Ed hits the egg nog hard
The electric bill rivals the national debt from the lights out on the yard
Steve home from college, lecturing all on privacy, taxes and climate
Cousin Alice brags on her weight loss last fall, just like last year, you can time it
They bicker and argue, and yet it all ends in warmth and kindness and cheer
So now all I all of you, family and friends, could someone get me out of here?

“Here’s Twix. He puts up with a lot from the kids,” says Redditor I_Love_McRibs.

A new study shows that when anti-choice people hear in person accounts from women who have had abortions, they are more likely to start supporting reproductive freedom. 

A public opinion research team led by UCLA doctoral candidate Michael LaCour has already demonstrated how door-to-door canvassing can change people’s opinions on LGBT issues. A study from earlier this month, for instance, determined that when conservatives talked to an LGBT canvasser for 20 minutes, they became more supportive of LGBT rights and remained supportive even nine months later.

Now, the same research team has started working with Planned Parenthood and is looking at the effect of talking to canvassers who have had abortions and those who haven’t. The preliminary results show that in-person conversations with both groups of volunteers lead to increased support of legalizing abortion. In initial surveys, 39 percent of voters said they supported legal abortion access but after talking with the volunteers support reached almost 50 percent.

Ant the effect of speaking with the volunteers who had had abortions was even stronger. For instance, people who spoke to that group were more likely to tell other members of their households about their conversations. In addition, after the Supreme Court struck down Massachusetts’ buffer zone around abortion clinics, anti-abortion attitudes were strengthened among most participants except for those who had spoken to a volunteer who had discussed her own abortion. As LaCour explains, “This finding suggests that discussion at the doorstep affected the way in which people subsequently received and interpreted the news.”

Just a reminder that the personal is very much political, and telling abortion stories can be powerful.

And now we ride the circus wheel
With your dark brother wrapped in white
Says it was good to be alive
But now he rides a comet's flame
And won't be coming back again
The Earth looks better from a star
That's right above from where you are
He didn't mean to make you cry
—Neutral Milk Hotel, "Holland, 1945"

After The Colbert Report ended, after those joyously weird 30 minutes of television came to a close, I thought about what viewers expected and wanted from the show's finale. What was the fundamental question people needed answered? And the answer was immediately obvious: Who is Stephen Colbert, and who is "Stephen Colbert"? Colbert must have been aware of this, as he ended the show with a revealing 2010 outtake. Jon Stewart, having just finished The Daily Show, tosses to Colbert, who is talking through a tiny gorilla head. It's silly and hilarious, but the producer won't let them use the take, forcing Stewart and Colbert to do it in character. Colbert's reaction is to parody his own parody. And that's the answer. Stephen Colbert is, was, and will always be Stephen Colbert, in one form or another.

In that moment, I finally cried, and you maybe did, too. I spent this week immersed in The Colbert Report: I looked back at the show's early days, edited together 49 former guests' memories of being on the show, watched more than a dozen clips of him breaking, and I cried. Why? I read comments to these posts where people admitted to also getting teary-eyed. Why? It's a TV show. It's a comedian who is not retiring, but essentially going on vacation. He's not even changing time slots!

Here's why. In the first episode of The Colbert Report, in the first Wørd segment (Truthiness, remember), Colbert made us a vow: "Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you." At the time this was meant to satirize the anti-intellectual attitude that many considered pervasive among the conservative media and in the executive branch. More than 1440 episodes later, it appears he has kept his promise. Unlike The Daily Show, which was tightly focused on reacting to the day's events, the Report gave viewers a feeling of the bigger picture. And through the character of "Stephen Colbert" — so wide-eyed and naively confident — we were able to personally connect to the news, and more broadly to the world. Severing a relationship like that: [loudly crying face emoji]. 

The song that played over the show's closing credits, which I quote above, was "Holland, 1945." A Neutral Milk Hotel song is not the oddest choice for a guy who had Wilco, the Black Keys, the Decembrists, and other rock bands regularly play his show. But Colbert surely picked the bittersweet song because, as he told Maureen Dowd in the New York Times back in April, its “strange, sad poetry” resonated with him in relation to the loss of two of his brothers and his father when he was 10. But after hearing it in this context, I kept on thinking about how the song is widely considered to be about Anne Frank — the person, the diary writer — and "Anne Frank" — the concept, the symbol, or, as it relates to our purposes here, the character. Colbert is an optimist in the face of darkness, like Frank was. With The Report, all he wanted at the end of the day, after hours and hours of usually terrible news, was to be the person you can turn to make light of it all. As he said, simply, at the end of last night's episode, "That was fun."

It's why his final episode didn't even attempt to stick one final nail in the coffin of modern conservatism. If anything, he did the opposite, dedicating The Wørd to the fact that everything is exactly the same as it was when he started nine years ago. (That "I promised a revolution and I delivered, because technically one revolution is 360 degrees back to where we were" joke is why Colbert's writing staff has won the last two Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series Emmys.) Things are always going to be how they are, and all we can do is have a silly time, singing and dancing with all our friends in the face of it. Colbert winked at exactly that in The Wørd, saying, "And if all we achieved over the last nine years was to come into your home each night and help you make a difficult day a little bit better, man, what a waste," but meaning the exact opposite.

And that's the power of "Stephen Colbert." The show ended with the sign-off, "From eternity, I'm Stephen Colbert," and that's exactly right. "Stephen Colbert" became immortal last night, but in reality he always was. Because like the "Anne Frank" of "Holland, 1945," he is a symbol, a symbol that is much more powerful than any one person. Stephen Colbert is a finite thing; he's leaving to host The Late Show. "Stephen Colbert" isn't going anywhere, because he is his fan's version of an eternal idea of the cosmic joke, their prism through which to see the world as an ultimately good, or at least absurd, place. He knew that and that's why he repeatedly thanked Colbert Nation last night, at one point saying, "The truthiness is ... all those incredible things people said I did ... none of that was really me. You, the nation, did all of that; I just got paid for it."

The result was an that episode felt less like an episode of The Colbert Report and more like a tribute to The Colbert Report. What could be more Colbert than throwing a tribute for yourself, literally looking directly into the camera and saying what your legacy would be? It was a tribute to the character. It was a tribute to the fans. It was a tribute to the staff, with executive producer Tom Purcell, who has been with the show since the start, getting a cameo as the guy who catches Colbert's gun. It was a tribute to how unparalleled the diversity of his guests has been, with everyone from James Franco to Henry Kissinger to Cookie Monster to Bill Clinton to an astronaut to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to a million other people joining him to sing "We'll Meet Again."  It was a tribute to silliness and how vital it is to our very being; how essential absurdity is in the face of the painfully absurd; how much we need Stephen Colberts and "Stephen Colberts."

That was fun.

Read more posts by Jesse David Fox

Filed Under: the colbert report ,stephen colbert ,this is the end ,tv ,series finales

Happy Hump Day! Here’s Zac Efron giving you “power bottom in a 70s gay porn” hotness  while holding a puppy friend – Popsugar

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy’s matching black outfits tell me that they went to breakfast after a funeral or the world’s most boring goth party – Lainey Gossip

Okay, Kylie Jenner, the fun is over, you can take off that plastic female masking mask off now – Celebitchy

Viola Davis is Amanda Waller in the Suicide Squad movie – Jezebel

But what I want to know is, how much does Giggy Vanderpump get paid to wear those humiliating ass outfits? – Reality Tea

Oh, don’t mind Parasite Hilton, she just vagina burped up a lump of Zovirax, that’s all – Drunken Stepfather

That sound that sort of sounds like the corpses of cows mooing in pain is from all that leather stretching around Khlozilla’s giant ass – Egotastic!

Kendull Jenner is in Vogue again because Pimp Mama Kris’ maker, Lucifer, wants you to know that he still has a contract with Anna Wintour – Hollywood Tuna

What in the name of a chola parrot? – WWTDD

Yeah and that’s exactly what OctoMom said until her checking account flatlined – The Superficial

Erasure brings strangers together – Towleroad

Jennifer Lawrence’s outfit is having an identity crisis – Popoholic

These Santas can slide down my chimney anytime and they might get a plate of cookies (or crabs) out of it - The Berry

Jennifer Lawrence’s new dude is either a director named Gabe Polsky or pizza – ICYDK

Hollywood: 0 North Korea: 2 – HuffPo

Here’s Naomi Campbell getting ready to bury dead bodies while wearing lingerie, because that’s just what she does – OMG Blog

This mother of political party opposites is all of us – SOW

The Interview isn’t coming out EVER – Just Jared

Feminism: Jane the Virgin learns what it is on Twitter – Pajiba

Pic: Pacific Coast News

Amp Your Myspace Page: Essential Tools for Giving Your Profile an Extreme Makeover
Butow and Bellomo
2008

Submitter: *Sigh* Well, where to begin? This sad thing was withdrawn from the Science and Technology section of the public library I work in in May of this year. Firstly, it’s horribly outdated and taking up good shelf space when we desperately need good, up-to-date books on IT. Secondly, its 292 pages are filled with information on how to add those annoying gifs and loud music to your profile page that everyone hated at the time. Finally, the stock photo of the smug-looking yuppie guy manages to be only slightly less cringey than the awkward use of the word “amp” in the title. It was never borrowed once during its sad six years in the public library system.

Holly: Was MySpace still a thing in 2008? Barely. This one was doomed before it was ever published. I can see having one or two brand new myspace books that emphasize its use in the music industry, but this book shows the MySpace of yesteryear. Useless. (And YES, those crazy background images and auto-play music files were seriously obnoxious!)

More From the Bleeding Edge:

 Flip Phone Fun

Cool and Cordless!

505 Unbelievably Stupid Web Pages

Find It Fast

Gay and Lesbian Online

Bruno Mars, the Puerto Rican Jewish Morris Day, is still trying to make wearing curlers in public happen.

The funky Hobbit works the “James Brown at the beauty shop” look in the video for Uptown Funk and while performing the song on the finale of The Voice with Mark Ronson last night, he once again got all Beauty School Dropout. Yes, your mother worked it better when she yelled at your brat ass in the booze section of the supermarket as she tried to find the perfect pink wine for the holiday party she hosted that night, but I am all for this look. Bruno really should’ve went all the way by wearing a gold housecoat with gold slippers and halfway through his performance he should’ve pulled off that gold slipper and waved it at the gold brats playing in his hard. This is pimp grandma glamour:

And hopefully for his next performance he really brings on the tingles by wearing these:

Wisconsin has a law on the books that allows the authorities to lock up a pregnant person who’s used illegal drugs if she “habitually lacks self-control” and “there is a ‘substantial risk’ that the health of the egg, embryo, fetus, or child upon birth will be ‘seriously affected.'” Here’s what that looked like in practice for one Wisconsin woman. 

Tamara Loerstcher was suffering from an untreated thyroid condition and depression and had begun to self medicate with drugs when, in late July 2014, she suspected she might also be pregnant. Loerstcher, uninsured at the time, went to an Eau Claire, Wisconsin, hospital for medical treatment and to confirm her pregnancy.

After submitting to a urinalysis, Loerstcher disclosed her past drug use to hospital workers. But instead of caring for Loerstcher, who as it turns out was 14 weeks pregnant, hospital workers had her jailed.

Loerstcher’s medical records were handed over to the state without her knowledge. She was accused of “abuse of an unborn child” and had to sit through a hearing in which her 14-week-old fetus was appointed a lawyer. She was ordered to go to in-patient drug treatment — despite the fact that she had not used any drugs recently — and when she refused, she was held in contempt of court and sent to jail for 17 days.

One would think that when the state incarcerates a pregnant woman in order to “protect” her fetus, they’d at least do everything they can to ensure a healthy pregnancy — that is literally the only supposed purpose of such a law, after all. You’d be wrong. During her time in jail, Loerstcher didn’t have access to prenatal care and when she was experiencing cramping, she wasn’t allowed to see her regular doctor. She was told she’d need to see a jail-appointed doctor who demanded she take a test to confirm the pregnancy — even though the only reason she was in jail in the first place was because she was pregnant. When she refused, she was thrown in solitary confinement and threatened with a taser.

And Loerstcher’s nightmare isn’t over. For the crime of taking illegal drugs before she realized she was pregnant and being honest about it when she sought medical care, she’ll be on the child abuse registry for life and therefore unable to work as a nurse’s aid to support her son when he’s born next month. As Katie McDonough recaps at Salon, “In the service of ‘protecting’ Loertscher’s fetus, the state deprived her of healthcare and her freedom. Soon, it may also compromise her ability to work and support her family.”

Loerstcher, along with attorneys from the National Advocates for Pregnant Women and other reproductive rights groups, are filing a lawsuit challenging Wisconsin’s law. But remember: it’s not just Wisconsin. Many states are using various laws — from “chemical endangerment” to “fetal harm” statutes — to criminalize pregnancy — mostly for poor, drug-using, women of color.

Header image credit

While the the Sony hack has mostly served as a reminder of how greedy, sexist, and racist Hollywood is, at least one gem that has risen above the rubbish: Channing Tatum's e-mail writing. In an e-mail thread with Jump Street co-star Jonah Hill, beleaguered Sony Pictures co-chair Amy Pascal, and others studio honchos, the Tater relays his joy at 22 Jump Street's opening numbers, which placed it second on the all-time list of best-ever opening weekends for R-rated comedies, or as he says, "WE GOT CATE BLANCHETT WIT DIS BOX OFFICE BITCHES!!!!!!!!"

The entire email is here:

On Jun 14, 2014, at 2:19 PM, "33& out inc C/O FULTON & MEY" wrote:

F YOU TED !!!! SECOND OF ALLLL TIMMMMME BEEEOTCH!!!! COME ON JUMPSTREETERS WE GOT CATE BLANCHETT WIT DIS BOX OFFICE BITCHES!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHA
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It actually went on for a lot longer than that, but you get the idea.

Read more posts by E. Alex Jung

Filed Under: channing tatum ,sony hack ,emails

Well, now I’ve seen everything. (Reddit.)

San Jose and environs will run on 13 Dunkin's.

East Coast transplants eagerly awaiting the dawn of Dunkin' Donuts in NorCal are nearing the finish line, as the chain has followed up on its promise of 1,000 California stores with a more concrete number for the Bay Area. Dunkin' told the San Jose Mercury News that it's plotting 26 stores for San Francisco and "the surrounding cities," and another 13 for San Jose and its environs. All in all, agreements have been signed for the development of more than 250 DD locations in California; most are in SoCal, where DDs have already drawn cronut-esque lines. The northernmost California location is currently in Modesto.

Also, while "donuts" may be right there in the name, Dunkin' told the Merc that their plans for domination in the NorCal market primarily revolve around coffee. "That Northern California market has a lot of big coffee drinkers," said a rep. "Coffee holds a special place in the way that people plan their day." Whether or not Dunkin' will be able to get locals to trade in their third-wave artisanal roasts for a light 'n sweet remains to be seen, but we'll keep you posted on concrete plans for Dunkin' locations. Expect the first wave of Bay Area donut shops sometime in 2016.

[I feel SOOOOOO Blorpy. More so than usual. I’m off tomorrow. You guys have fun at the mall. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.]

(A Grey Seal at the Lincolnshire Wildlife Trust’s Donna Nook nature reserve in Grimsby, England; Dan Kitwood, Getty Images; Seen on SFGate by Smedley.)

[We’re just actin’ like a couple o’ Turkeys! WAIT! We’re-NOT-TURKEYS! Just wanna be clear on that.]

(Reddit.)

The other day I was pumping gas and a guy was calling out to me from his car window as he drove out of the station, said Hi, I stupidly said Hi back thinking ok I’ll be nice. Then as he’s still driving he calls out “what’s your name”, I don’t reply this time. He asked me again, then said something about me not wanting to answer. Two minutes later when I got back on the road I happened to pull up next to him at an intersection. He sees me, says Hi again, and I say “that was very rude”, he asked “what is?” I said “You shouldn’t call out to people from your car, it’s rude and disrespectful”. He gave me a look of frustration, then drove past me as much as he could so that he was no longer next to me. But then as I drove by he said “I apologize.” I actually think he thought about what I said for two seconds, and that he meant it. I hope so. So sick of this crap, and feeling like I should appreciate this kind of attention from men.

Somebody you have never met has been nursing a grudge against you for years.

You are tapping a sheaf of papers and looking smug.

You have no trouble balancing your career as a prosecutor with your career as a rock star.

Read more How To Tell If You Are In A Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Video Game at The Toast.