
Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter replaced Immortan Joe and The Doof Warrior from Mad Max: Fury Road for a short Comic-Con clip.
Ryan MustardI played this game once or twice, very zelda dungeon-esque and very hard.

The Binding of Isaac: Rebirth is coming to the Xbox One, Wii U, and New 3DS on July 23rd, the charmingly disturbing indie game’s publisher announced. Note that it’s only coming to the New 3DS, and won’t immediately have all the stuff in that big new expansion .
Ryan MustardNever thought about how much money goes straight to fedex when a problem like this happens.
The Red Ring of Death threatened to destroy the Xbox 360 and the entire Xbox brand. Consoles were dying en masse. Microsoft didn't immediately know why, but it did know that it was a big problem. A plan was devised to fix gamers' hardware, but it wasn't going to be cheap: to provide the best possible experience for the unfortunate owners of expired hardware, units had to be overnighted to Microsoft, and then, once fixed, back to the waiting gamers. The total cost was estimated at $1.15 billion, $240 million of which was going to FedEx.
Peter Moore, now at EA but then head of Xbox, had to go to Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer in 2007 to ask for the money to salvage the console's reputation. Ballmer agreed, the Xbox 360 was saved, and it was a huge success.
The full story of the Red Ring of Death, and many other stories, can be heard in the latest edition of IGN's Podcast Unlocked. The show features three different Xbox heads: Xbox creator Seamus Blackley, the Xbox 360-era Peter Moore, and the current head of Xbox, Phil Spencer.
Ryan MustardThe more I come into contact with humans, the more I luuuuuurn.
Ladies and gentlemen of the Senate Finance Committee, I appreciate the opportunity to testify before you on the subject of the Trans Pacific Partnership. As has been noted, this trade agreement is intended to balance the trade dominance currently enjoyed by China and India, and boost exports and economic growth for the twelve countries involved.
As such, it is significantly broader than the North America Free Trade agreement signed in 1993. But there are important lessons that should be taken from that agreement, which is now believed to have cost America upwards of 800,000 manufacturing jobs.
And while job loss of that magnitude is a concern, of even greater concern to me is that there has been no discussion of the further loss of manufacturing facilities.
Yes, an economist may see these heavy industrial facilities as no longer essential to the needs of today’s knowledge economy. But I see them as something both vital and current: the only places that anyone has ever been able to stop a terminator.
In 1984, my mother Sarah Connor and my father Kyle Reese had to fight off a relatively rudimentary T-800. They did their best. Dad blew up the fuel truck the terminator was driving. That may have exposed the cybernetic organism’s endoskeleton, but it didn’t stop it. Luckily, Mom was able to escape into what I can only imagine was some sort of tool and die factory. This is in Los Angeles, mind you. I defy you to find a tool and die factory in Los Angeles today.
The machinery disoriented the terminator. Long story short, despite being severely damaged by my father (of blessed memory) the terminator managed to get my mother by the throat. It’s only by the grace of god and the manufacturing sector that built America’s middle class that she was able to activate a hydraulic press and crush the life out of that terminator’s cold, red eye.
That’s a story my mother passed down to me. But I had pretty much the same experience myself. This time it was a T-1000 coming after my mom and me. This guy was made out of liquid metal — and he was relentless. Being frozen in liquid nitrogen didn’t stop it. Nor did several direct hits from a grenade launcher.
I should pause here to point out that America has lost more than 42,000 factories since 2001.
Today, I don’t know if we could do what we did back then, because we were able to get ourselves into a steel factory, and finally dissolve this T-1000 into a vat of some sort of molten alloy.
Now, ladies and gentlemen of the committee, your phones and iPads may say, DESIGNED IN CALIFORNIA BY APPLE — but if you want to find the vat of molten metal that actually made the thing, you’d better get your sweet ass to Foxconn City. And I’ll tell you another thing, it’s hard enough to lure a Terminator halfway across town. You try getting one to Shenzen, China.
I’m sorry, I’m just very passionate about this issue.
But we’re a service and sharing and knowledge economy now, and won’t that be our competitive advantage?
Show me a Starbucks barista who tries to stop a Terminator with a Verismo brewer, and I’ll show you a poor sap who never gets to finish his degree at ASU because a terminator ripped him in half.
Put a listing on TaskRabbit for someone to come help you neutralize a well-armed nano-hybrid T-3000 and you’re not going to get any takers, at any price.
And lure a terminator into tech startup? Oh, it’ll love the open floorplan even more than you do. You see a space that encourages collaboration. A terminator sees a space devoid of clanging machines, hissing steam, or even walls to disorient its head-up display.
What about advanced manufacturing, you ask?
Well, I’ll ignore for just a moment that Cyberdyne Systems is an advanced manufacturing outfit, and a whole lot of good that’s going to do us. I digress.
This is another area where I’ve had some experience. Back in 2003, I was being pursued by a T-X model terminator. I was able to get this one into a particle accelerator. Got that thing going, and wouldn’t you know, the electro magnets absolutely pinned that terminator down. For about two minutes. And then it was after me again.
I’m all for advanced science, but when I’m running from something that wants to skewer me with its mimetic poly-alloy arm, I’m not super concerned about whether we’d discovered a new kind of quark.
My point is this: factories provide much more than the good middle class jobs our country needs. They also provide those vital spaces that contain elevated catwalks, hanging chains and pulleys, conveyor belts that lead into saws or presses, all of which can be set in motion by hitting a large, well-marked green button.
What do these factories actually build? I have no idea. But I know that more often than not, they provide me the opportunity to kill the terminator that has usually followed me in.
I urge you to vote against TPP, because of the devastating impact it will have on the facilities that make America great today, and that our nation will most need when Skynet becomes self-aware.
With that, I’m happy to take your questions.
(SOUNDS OF SCREAMS AND GUNSHOTS)
Actually, it turns out I need to go. Could someone direct me to the nearest industrial facility?
Ryan MustardGood to know only applies to SSD drives though.
Photo via ArsTechnicaWith today’s OS X 10.10.4 update, however, Apple has added a command line utility that can be used to enable TRIM on third-party SSDs without having to download and install anything. Called trimforce, the utility can be executed from the OS X terminal, and it requires a reboot to start working.TRIM is a system-level command that allows the operating system and the drive to communicate about which areas of the drive are considered unused and thus ready to be erased and rewritten to. In the absence of TRIM, users can see significantly slower drive writes as the drive begins to fill up. Most modern operating systems support TRIM but for Apple's OS X, it has only included support for its OEM SSDs. This means that Mac users looking to install an after-market SSD in a machine originally intended for spinning disc hard drives would run into trouble without the help of other third-party tools. 
On Friday, Mother Jones shared a cartoon by the Southern Poverty Law Center that pretty much sums up this incredible week (below). Could it get any better? Yes. Some genius knew exactly what that comic strip looked like and created the GIF shown above.

Illustration by Francisco Baudizzone
[Originally published June 26, 2015.]
I support you all
No, really, I do, but this
Isn’t our problem.
“Happiness is not
the point of marriage, fools. It’s
BABIES,” he whispered.
“Liberty” – this word,
I do not think Locke means what
You think it means. Sigh.
You’re not a poet,
Kennedy. And by the way,
Democracy’s dead.
Hark! Love is love, and
love is love is love is love.
It is so ordered.
Ryan MustardFuck golf, but Spieth is awesome. Hook 'em!
Spieth's star continues to ascend after another remarkable performance on a big stage.
Former Texas Longhorns golfer Jordan Spieth served noticed that his resounding win at The Masters was hardly a fluke, winning his second consecutive major at the US Open over the weekend at Chambers Bay.
In shooting 5-under par, Spieth became the youngest player to ever win The Masters and the US Open in a career and the first golfer since Gene Sarazen in 1922 to win multiple majors at 21 or younger. However, it wasn't always easy, as he nearly blew a three-shot lead by double bogeying on 17, but Dustin Johnson brutally missed his playoff-forcing putt to mark the end of his own collapse from a two-stroke lead with nine holes remaining.
How did Spieth manage to hold on? With an incredible approach shot on 18 that gave him the birdie opportunity he needed to give himself a shot at a playoff hole if necessary:
Jordan Spieth's approach at 18 was magnificent pic.twitter.com/783Nppxybr
— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) June 22, 2015
Coming off a nervy moment on the previous hole, with another major champiionship on the line, Spieth proved not only steady but brilliant with his approach shot, a glimpse of that potential that could allow him to manufacture an incredible legacy for his career.
Already eminently marketable, Spieth is now becoming a crowd favorite among more than just the burnt orange faithful, earning Spieth the title of golf's "golden child" from SB Nation's Brendan Poreth and providing a level of excitement for American golf that hasn't existed since Tiger Woods' fall from grace:
The roars were always the loudest for Spieth. Even when he made a double bogey to nearly blow a three-shot lead with two holes to play, the crowd around the 17th stood and roared, encouraging him to 72nd hole of the championship. As he walked up the 18th, a thundering "Spieth! Spieth! Spieth!" chant from the inordinately large grandstands came down. When Dustin Johnson missed that final, excruciating putt, the grandstand produced this terrifying sounding mix of groans and celebratory screams.
At America's national championship, the USA's favorite talent took the title and it was what the crowd wanted.
So as Spieth closes in on his final month as a 21 year old, it's clear that the sky is the limit for the Texas Ex. Can he keep the momentum going at The Open Championship last month and perhaps even win a career grand slam before he's 25? He's proven capable of it this year, which means it'll be a lot of fun continuing to watch Spieth make his university so proud.
Ryan MustardVery simple about face. Seemed obvious from the get go that the most profitable company in the world shouldn't be pissing off artists over the first 3 months of a subscription.
Apple has decided to pay musicians right from the launch of its new music streaming service, a move that will cost the company some money because it won't be charging customers during a free trial period that will last three months.
Apple hadn't planned to make any payments until after the free trial period ended, but it changed course upon hearing criticism from singer-songwriter Taylor Swift.
"When I woke up this morning and saw what Taylor had written, it really solidified that we needed to make a change. And so that's why we decide[d] we will now pay artists during the trial period," Apple Senior VP Eddy Cue told The Hollywood Reporter last night. "A lot of artists" expressed the same concern, he said.
The United States Federal Communications Commission today announced plans to fine AT&T $100 million for misleading customers about its unlimited mobile data plans. Following an investigation, the FCC is accusing AT&T of severely slowing down the data speeds of customers with unlimited data plans and failing to adequately warn them about the slower data speeds.In 2011, AT&T implemented a "Maximum Bit Rate" policy and capped the maximum data speeds for unlimited customers after they used a set amount of data within a billing cycle. The capped speeds were much slower than the normal network speeds AT&T advertised and significantly impaired the ability of AT&T customers to access the Internet or use data applications for the remainder of the billing cycle.The FCC says AT&T violated the 2010 Open Internet Transparency Rule by falsely calling its plans "unlimited" and by not informing customers of the maximum speed they would receive under AT&T's Maximum Bit Rate policy. Millions of customers suffered slow data speeds, with some seeing speed reductions for 12 days per month on average.
Ryan MustardI don't know why I'm sharing this honestly.
1. Every person (x) must know exactly 1 person (y) named “Trevor.”1
2. Every person (x) must know exactly 1 person (y1) named “Trevor” at a time (t1). Person (x) may know an alternative person (y2) named “Trevor” at an alternative time (t2), but the original “Trevor” (y1) must no longer exist at time (t2) and likewise person (x) must never know the alternative “Trevor” (y2) at the original time (t1).2
3. If person (x) is himself named “Trevor,” he fulfills the functions of both persons (x) and (y). He must therefore never meet another person named “Trevor” (z) without violating rules 1 and 2 thereby resulting in a “Trevor Paradox.”3
4. Any person or persons claiming to be in violation of rules 1, 2 or 3 is either: (a) experiencing a serious nervous disorder accompanied by severe delusions; or (b) a dangerous pathological liar. In both cases, patients should be considered a threat to general society and must be isolated immediately. Perhaps someplace nice, like Hawaii.4
1 I met my best friend Whitney in Middle School. We lived across the street from each other. We took violin lessons together. One day walking home after violin practice, we realized there was only one kid named “Trevor” in our whole school. We started asking other kids from other schools in other after-school activities and they all told us the same thing. There was only one kid named “Trevor” at everybody else’s Middle School, too.
2 Whitney and I started dating in High School. I didn’t like school that much but I got good grades because she wanted to go to college at MIT and she said you needed to get good grades to go to MIT and I wanted to go to MIT with her. “Trevor” went to our high school, too. After he killed himself, Whitney was pretty upset. They had become good friends, I guess. They hung out a lot more than I thought they did. When some kid who also happened to be named “Trevor” moved in down the street from us a couple weeks later, she got even more upset. I just thought we were getting a new “Trevor.” I don’t know. They named a skate park after him. The first “Trevor,” I mean.
3 Whitney and I dated for a little while longer before I got kicked out of MIT. She was getting concerned about my bad grades and how obsessed I’d become with the name “Trevor.” One night I was ranting for several hours about the paradox and how it was equally probable that someone named “Trevor” would meet someone named “Trevor” as it was that someone named “Josh” or “Amy” or “Steven” would meet someone named “Trevor” and that this was a serious problem with the theory. She only said that she missed Trevor. I did not know which “Trevor” she was referring to. We broke up.
4 I have many friends named “Trevor” now. I am borrowing some more money from my parents to complete my independent research and then will be moving to Hawaii.
Ryan MustardThe science behind the seven-day chili dog cleanse is irrefutable.
Juice fasts, raw foods cleansing, water-only detox — you’ve probably tried them all by now. Fads like these promise to leave you feeling rejuvenated, but their effectiveness is uncertain at best. That’s why more and more nutritionists swear by a proven, deceptively simple approach to wellness: a seven-day-long dietary cleanse in which you eat nothing but chili dogs.
Yes, you can flush your body of years’ worth of accumulated toxins, simply by consuming between eight and twelve chili dogs every day for a week. Through this uniquely formulated system, stronger immune protections, clearer skin, and quicker neural pathways can be within your reach; all thanks to the nourishing, invigorating, purifying power of several pounds of chili dogs — Nature’s Perfect Food.
The beauty of The Chili Dog Cleanse lies in its ease: Maintain a steady stream of chili-laden frankfurters into your digestive tract, and you’ll receive all of the saturated fats, nitrites, hot dog casings, and other vitamins and minerals needed to revitalize your system. As for the type of chili dogs you methodically shovel into your mouth, that’s entirely up to you. Charbroiled footlongs drowning in heaping scoops of roadhouse steak chili, red hots doused with homestyle, 7-Eleven Big Bites paired with Campbell’s Chunky; as long as you’re consuming approximately one chili dog every 75 minutes, you will see results.
By the third day of the cleanse, some individuals report feelings of nausea, heart tremors, and spatial disorientation. Don’t worry. That’s just your body adjusting to the unusually robust levels of sodium, salt, and other detox agents contained in the cleanse. You have to remember that your body has built up substantial levels of contaminants through years of improper dietary habits. Eating chili dogs will fix all of that.
And make sure to fortify your system with several chili dogs before going to bed. When undergoing the cleanse, you can expect to sleep anywhere from 12 to 16 hours per day, not including post-dog naps; you don’t want to have to keep waking up in the middle of the night to microwave a few hot dogs and a can or two of Hormel. Don’t forget the sour cream!
The science behind the seven-day chili dog cleanse is irrefutable.
As with any radical dietary change, the question inevitably arises: “Is The Chili Dog Cleanse perfectly safe in 100% of cases?” The answer, of course, is yes. In fact, despite misleading FDA labels, you’ll find that The Chili Dog Cleanse perfectly conforms to the nutritional requirements of the average 8,500 calorie per day diet.
Nonetheless, it is worth noting that your system will likely feel a bit of a jolt as your body is purged of its accumulated impurities. And given that your week-long chili dog diet includes no vegetables or fruits whatsoever, feel free to cheat a little by supplementing your intake with jalapeños and Red Vines as needed.
It may be difficult, but remember that you are doing this for the benefit of your body and mind. And at an average ingredients cost of just $6 per day, there’s no excuse not to start your cleanse right now. So get moving, mix some cut-up bratwurst into the chili, and remember: A healthier, happier life is only dozens and dozens of chili dogs away!
Ryan MustardI feel deep sense of dread because they cast Aaron Eckhart in a movie that I want to like.
One of the greatest stories in Longhorns history is coming to the big screen.
In 1969, Texas Longhorns safety Freddie Steinmark played the national championship season on a left leg ravaged by osteosarcoma. Directed by Angelo Pizzo and based on Jim Dent's book "Courage Beyond the Game: The Freddie Steinmark Story," "My All American" is Steinmark's story.
Now, his remarkable story of courage and determination is coming to the big screen, with a release date set for October 9, 2015 and the same writers who penned the scripts for Hoosiers and Rudy.
Here's the synopsis from the press release:
What Freddie Steinmark (Finn Wittrock) wants most in the world is to play football. Deemed too small by the usual athletic standards, his father trains him hard, and Freddie brings a fight to the game that ultimately gets him noticed — by none other than legendary University of Texas coach Darrell Royal (Aaron Eckhart). Awarded a scholarship and a chance to play for the Longhorns, Freddie sets off to Austin with his loving high school sweetheart Linda (Sarah Bolger), determined to make the team. Alongside his old teammate Bobby Mitchell (Rett Terrell) and new pal James Street (Juston Street), Freddie is put through the paces of a grueling practice schedule, but the boys' camaraderie off the field translates into solid playing on it, and they rise up the depth charts, giving the Longhorns a real chance to turn around their losing record. But just when they're reveling in the success of the season, Freddie suffers an injury that leads to a shocking diagnosis and the biggest challenge he will ever face.
Lending some credibility to the proceedings are some familiar faces, including Texas Ex Jordan Shipley playing speedy wide receiver Cotton Speyrer, Case McCoy as Arkansas quarterback Bill Montgomery, and James Street's son Juston playing his late father. Colt McCoy also served as an on-set consultant.
If you can't wait that long to find out more about Steinmark, 2015 In The Huddle - Texas 2015 will have a feature story on Steinmark. The magazine is available for pre-order on the Lindy's website.
Ryan MustardQuandre reminds me of Aaron Ross. Too bad his career had to be during a Texas down period.
Just more of the same from the scrappy competitor.
Stop me if you've heard this before -- former Texas Longhorns star and sixth-round Detroit Lions draft pick Quandre Diggs is impressing Lions coaches and players at recent OTAs.
It's truly a familiar story for Quandre the Giant, as he's been proving people wrong his entire life. Heading to the NFL, many thought he was too short at 5'9 and too slow after posting a 4.56 40-yard dash at the NFL Scouting Combine.
But quarterback Matthew Stafford is already a fan of Diggs.
"He's got a natural feel," Stafford said. "(He) made a play the other day in the red zone that wasn't even on the ball. I wasn't in the game, I was just watching from afar, and was like, 'Man, our QB wanted to throw it, and he just took it away at the last second.'
"He's got a good feel in zone, and I think he's a feisty kind of competitor in man. He's going to be around the football trying to make plays on it."
Feistiness. Instincts. Sounds like exactly the same qualities that made Diggs a four-year starter at Texas and three-time All-Big 12 selection.
Head coach Charlie Strong came to love Diggs during his one season in Austin and Detroit defensive coordinator Teryl Austin is starting to feel the same way.
"I like that guy," defensive coordinator Teryl Austin said. "He's scrappy, he's tough, he's got good ball skills, he's got good football sense that I've seen so far. So, we'll just see how once we get into pads, once we get him in game situations, but I think he's got a great background."
Diggs is also taking advantage of a big opportunity -- Bill Bentley is still recovering from his torn ACL and third-round pick Alex Carter missed time while finishing his academic studies at Stanford. Nevin Lawson also suffered a season-ending injury last year and is only working out in individual drills.
There's still plenty of competition, but Diggs has been playing multiple cornerback positions and even returning kicks for the first time since his freshman year of college. Providing special teams value should help Diggs solidify a roster spot and perhaps even find some early playing time.
“What does the rest of the class think?”
“I hadn’t thought of that before, but…”
“I suppose it’s possible.”
“Well…”
“I see where you’re coming from.”
“I guess that’s an interpretation.”
“Anybody else?”
“You may be stretching things a little.”
“That’s probably a topic for another time.”
“Well, remember this is a translation, so…”
“I’m not sure that’s the way I would put it.”
“Could you repeat that? I’m not quite sure I got what you were saying.”
“Do you think that’s what he means by that?”
“Where are you going with this?”
“I don’t remember that part of the book.”
“Well, be careful with that.”
“I’m not sure I follow.”
“Hmm. I wasn’t expecting that.”
“Do you all agree with that?”
“I like your creativity.”
“Explain.”
“What makes you say that?”
“I’m not sure that’s really relevant here.”
“What does the text say?”
“C with moments of C+.”
A worm that targets cable and DSL modems, home routers, and other embedded computers is turning those devices into a proxy network for launching armies of fraudulent Instagram, Twitter, and Vine accounts as well as fake accounts on other social networks. The new worm can also hijack routers' DNS service to route requests to a malicious server, steal unencrypted social media cookies such as those used by Instagram, and then use those cookies to add "follows" to fraudulent accounts. This allows the worm to spread itself to embedded systems on the local network that use Linux-based operating systems.
The malware, dubbed "Linux/Moose" by Olivier Bilodeau and Thomas Dupuy of the security firm ESET Canada Research, exploits routers open to connections from the Internet via Telnet by performing brute-force login attempts using default or common administrative credentials. Once connected, the worm installs itself on the targeted device.
Moose spreads itself using a file named elan2—"élan" is the French word for moose, Bilodeau and Dupuy explained in their report. Once installed, the malware begins to watch traffic passing through the router for unencrypted cookies from Web browsers and mobile applications, which may be passed to unencrypted sites that leverage social network features:
Ryan MustardThe Wire is a great show. This montage is a little too long to be awesome though.
It is what it is. What's done is done. My name is not my name. My name is my name.1 Derek Donahue found all of the tautologies from The Wire and collected them into one video:
These types of phrases characterize the immovable forces the characters feel govern their lives and actions: poverty, bureaucracy, addiction, institutional corruption, ethnicity, etc.
The juxtaposition of Vondas' "my name is not my name" from season two and "my name is my name" from Marlo in the final season is one of my favorite little moments in the show. Two men pursuing similar ends going about it in opposite ways.↩

It’s called “Screentendo”. It’s a desktop application built by Aaron Randall, and it allows you to turn a selection of the screen to something similar to a playable level of Super Mario Bros.
Ryan MustardHaha
In what is no doubt a sign that humanity as we know it is coming to a swift, unproductive end, Microsoft has announced that King's notoriously moreish Candy Crush Saga will come pre-installed with Windows 10. That's right, pre-installed. In what appears to be an entirely non-ironic post over at Xbox Wire, Microsoft says that "as an added bonus, Candy Crush Saga will automatically be installed for customers that upgrade to or download Windows 10 for periods of time following the game launch."
There's no word on whether you'll be able to opt out of the automatic install, although it's likely King will want to get as many people as possible hooked on Candy Crush given its recent financial struggles. Earlier today, the company's shares fell as much as 14 percent in after-hours trading after it issued a profit warning. It noted in its first quarter financials that revenue was lower than expected due to slowing Candy Crush sales, and players moving to "more mature games."
The Windows 10 version of Candy Crush Saga was first demonstrated at Microsoft's Build conference earlier this month, and served as something of a showcase for Microsoft's Project Islandwood and Project Astoria initiatives. Islandwood allows iOS developers to bring their apps over to Windows via an Objective C toolchain and middleware layer. While some recompiling is still required, it should make the process of porting apps easier for a large number of iOS developers. Things are easier still for Android developers, with Windows Mobile including an Android runtime layer that'll let most existing apps run unmodified. Notably, the new Windows 10 version of Candy Crush Saga will include cross-play options for iOS and Android devices.
Ryan MustardNon-console, but looks cool. Might be really complicated.
Ryan MustardPretty long, but I'm definitely gonna play the witcher now
Ryan MustardI just want to point out that this guy was an intern. It's humbling to see what amazing people can do in 2 months.
Norman Tasfi, writing for the Flipboard engineering blog:
This past summer I interned at Flipboard in Palo Alto, California. I worked on machine learning based problems, one of which was Image Upscaling. This post will show some preliminary results, discuss our model and its possible applications to Flipboard’s products.
Some really impressive results.
Ryan MustardWaterworld! I love that movie.
Ryan Mustard"An ad for orange juice that exaggerates the role orange juice plays in most people’s lives."
- An ad with an attractive, middle-aged woman and her overweight husband. The husband displays a comical ignorance of the product being advertised and its benefits, and his wife gives him a sort of no-nonsense look. A look that says, “I realize the situation is humorous, but you need to get it together. Please. For me.” He is destroying her life.
- An ad where a famous person assures you that the product is reliable and good.
- An ad for a car where the car is doing cool maneuvers that you have neither the occasion nor the ability to duplicate.
- An ad where a trustworthy-looking man, graying at the temples, well-dressed, walks slowly toward you. You’re not sure what the product in question is yet, but for a few fleeting moments, you feel safe. Then he mentions stock portfolio management. You don’t know what that means.
- An ad where the product and its leading competitor are presented side-by-side, and they engage in a funny little dialogue that suggests consumers who purchased the inferior product are always sad.
- Where are you right now, geographically speaking? Would you rather go somewhere else? An ad telling you how to do that.
- An ad with hang gliding!
- An ad for the latest mobile device. The setting is an independent (or “indie”) rock concert, but it quickly shifts to a funky-looking art gallery, then a rooftop barbecue where some of the burgers have kale on them, then the peak of a mountain, then a laundromat, then a subway platform, then your childhood home, where you had no worries and to which you pay the occasional visit but may never truly return.
- An ad with men in their 50s and 60s fly fishing.
- An ad for orange juice that exaggerates the role orange juice plays in most people’s lives.
- An ad where it’s just text and no actors. The point being that the product is so vital that a dramatic presentation of its benefits would be unnecessary and, in a weird way, offensive.
- An ad with a laid-back, twentysomething man and his attractive but uptight girlfriend. The man is trying to enjoy the product in question with his similarly laid-back buddies. Light beer, say. But his girlfriend is PMSing because she wants to do something lame like watch a movie together, since it seems like forever since they’ve had any real alone time, and maybe this is just her being paranoid, but things don’t feel the way they used to. In three years, they will marry. He will destroy her life.
- An ad praising you for your refusal to be swayed by other, lesser ads.
- How do you look right now, physically speaking? Are you happy with everything? An ad telling you how to fix that.
- An ad that stirs a longing deep within you, one you didn’t even know was there. At first it’s a vague, almost tingling desire, but it soon becomes intoxicating. You need the ad — not so much the product being advertised, but the ad itself. You come to enjoy the ad more than the programming you intended to watch, and now you call your loved ones into the room when it plays. You deliberately seek the ad out on the Internet, and you click the “replay” icon without thinking. The ad visits you in your dreams. You worship the Ad. But the Ad is an illusion, of course, and this will not dawn on you until it is far too late. Your spouse no longer recognizes you, your children are become alien. The Ad is all there is. It’s for deodorant.
- An ad with Jeff Goldblum.
Ryan MustardUseful knot tying link