This post, my boss will not physically acknowledge me in social settings , was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
A reader writes:
I’ve noticed something odd about how my boss talks to me. He doesn’t physically acknowledge me in social settings — if I’m standing in a group with him and others, he doesn’t look at me at all, but he does look at everyone else. I can’t remember the last time he looked at me in casual conversation, though we’ve been in that setting many times. If I say or ask something, he’ll acknowledge or answer it, and will even address me directly, but he never looks at me or even turns to face me. I’ve looked, and I’ve not seen him do this with anyone else — just me.
This even happens when there’s just one other person — he’ll face them and not me, even while directly addressing me. A non-English speaker would easily think he wasn’t talking to me.
I once told a friend I’d buy them a drink if my boss looked at me during a conversation. It lasted 10 minutes, and he engaged everyone else, but I didn’t have to buy a drink. On another occasion, I pulled faces at him to see if he’d notice. He didn’t, even though he verbally addressed me many times — while looking at someone else.
When we talk over email or over the phone, there’s nothing unusual, and he will look at me when we talk about something work-related. It’s just face-to-face social settings where he doesn’t look at me.
During Covid, we’ve been completely remote, but we’re just starting to reopen, and so I’ve started to notice it again. I’ve observed it pretty often now and I really don’t think I’m mistaken.
I otherwise have a good relationship with him. I like my work, and he clearly respects me professionally, trusts me with projects, and gives me opportunities. I also get along with him personally — he’s invited my husband and me over to dinner on occasions (my husband works in the same place), and shared personal details with me that he doesn’t talk about with many others — things like that.
This isn’t directly related, but worth mentioning as it may be relevant: a while ago, I made a pretty major mistake. When he caught wind of it, his response was to ring my husband up and have him talk to me (my husband’s role has no crossover with mine). He never spoke to me about it directly at all. I apologized for the mistake, but told him I needed him to talk to me directly and not use my husband as proxy. He did sort of back down, though I don’t think he really understood. And I never got a full apology, though my husband did.
What I really want to ask is, why might he be doing this? And also, should I (or even, can I) call him out on it? Calling him out in the moment seems difficult — there are necessarily other people around when he does it, so unless there’s a super subtle way of doing it, I don’t see how I can, but is it really worth having a separate conversation with him? Or should I just let it go?
A couple of years ago, I would probably have said “I don’t mind, I’m just puzzled by it.” But now, I’m starting to mind.
I wrote back with a barrage of questions: “Has this always happened, or did it only start at some point? If so, is there anything significant about the timing of when it started? Like was it right after that incident where he called your husband, or anything else that might be notable? And when he invites you to his house for dinner, does he look at you then?”
I’ve known him almost six years, and as far as I can tell, it’s always happened, though I’ve become more aware of it probably in the past three years. At least I can’t recall it suddenly starting.
He doesn’t look at me at his house either, though it’s less noticeable. Sometimes it’s just my husband and me, sometimes there’s one or two others (he has people over reasonably often). When it’s just my husband and me over, I do get the impression he’d rather be talking just to my husband, but maybe felt he had to invite me over too — to the extent that if we’re asked again, I would probably find an excuse not to go and let my husband go on his own.
Well, this is awfully weird.
Normally if someone is making such a point of not looking at you, I’d assume they were uncomfortable around you for some reason — but he’s talking to you normally and it doesn’t happen at all in work conversations! (Also, that last part makes it extra weird! The fact that he looks at you normally when you’re talking about work things but then acts as if your face is radioactive when the conversation is social — while still continuing to speak as if nothing’s wrong — is an additional layer of oddness.)
And he’s inviting you to dinner at his house. HE’S INVITING YOU TO DINNER AT HIS HOUSE EVEN THOUGH HE CANNOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT YOU. Every detail makes this stranger and stranger.
Also, the fact that he called your husband about you (!!) feels somehow connected to all this but I don’t know how.
I have no idea what’s going on, so I’m going to speculate wildly:
* You look exactly like someone who makes him uncomfortable (an ex, a dead loved one, an estranged relative, a coffee barista who once yelled at him) and he can pull it together to be normal during work conversations but just cannot do it during social conversations.
* He has wronged you in some profound way (stolen your identity? dated your mom? poisoned your lunch?) and thus cannot look you in the eye unless he’s in work mode.
* He is desperately in love with you.
* He is desperately in love with your husband.
* You have offended or alienated him in some way (you’re an anti-vaxxer / homophobe / Jordan Peterson fan). In fact, it could be about bigotry on either side — like you’re religious and he’s a bigot, or he’s religious and thinks you’re a bigot.
That’s all I’ve got.
As for what to do, you can just continue to ignore if it that feels easiest to you! But if you want to address it (and I would), the next time you’re talking privately you could ask, “Have I done something to bother you? I’ve noticed that you won’t look at me when we’re in conversations with others, even when you’re speaking to me, and I wondered if I’d done something to put you off in some way.”
I don’t think you’ll necessarily get a real answer (you probably won’t), but it might nudge him into realizing that whatever’s going on, it’s coming across really weirdly to you, and I bet he’ll make an effort to stop. However, there’s a chance (maybe a big one) that it’ll make the relationship more awkward — that you’d be swapping the not-looking-at-you awkwardness for a new kind of tension that we can’t even anticipate. So you’d have to decide, based on what you know of him and the dynamics between you, whether it makes sense to speak up or not.
But it’s weird weird weird.
Updated to add: The letter-writer has noted in the comments below that there are many women in the office besides her and he doesn’t do this with them (so it’s unlikely to be a Mike Pence won’t-talk-to-women situation), nor is she a minority of any kind (in response to speculation of racism).