Jesshelga

blahmanda: If there's a shootout on my street I will not be filming it. If I hear a couple arguing outside I go into the bedroom and shut the door.

ShawnHatosy: “@realDonaldTrump: Is the Boston killer eligible for Obama Care to bring him back to health?” You are a soulless douchebag

BOSTON—In the midst of a widespread manhunt that has put the city of Boston on lockdown, CNN released a series of photographs today depicting the three obese Mexican women it claims are the chief suspects in the Boston Marathon attack.

WATERTOWN, MA—Citing the fact that we have done five breaking news updates in the last 30 minutes and have added no new information to the story, numerous sources are now confirming that we might be doing a bad job covering the manhunt for Boston Ma...

ShawnHatosy: Some people are SO obsessed with the beach & I'm thinking, big deal, it's just the sun, sand & saltwater... It's not like it's a couch fort.

blahmanda: I went out and started Couch To (slightly less than) 5K (bc that's when my knee gives out) 2013 yesterday, because #OLTL.

blahmanda: Don't mean to get all Anne Shirley on you, but seeing all the flowers and the blooming trees made me well up a little. Life! How 'bout it.

blahmanda: And here are some wild violets (I think) http://t.co/ulea6IeD61

blahmanda: This is a budding apple tree at my parents' house a couple weeks ago after that warm spell. http://t.co/TJB0X0t76f

DaveHolmes: Have we tried turning the world off for two minutes and then turning it back on?

It’s been a week. (Head over to Daily Intelligencer if this is not abundantly clear.) It’s been hard not to immerse oneself in everything that is happening, and it’s hard to know how to react. Well, Amy Poehler has some advice. In the most recent episode of her web series ... More »

DaveHolmes: I literally JUST remembered that I am free to turn off the television and close my laptop.

blahmanda: Hey guys good news Brooke Shields joins Army Wives

blahmanda: You should get your press credentials revoked for asking people about their fucking feelings.

Downton Abbey creator Julian Fellowes would have liked to give Matthew and Lady Mary Crawley a happier ending, but wasn't able to because Dan Stevens bailed so unceremoniously.

Read more...

PFTompkins: Well, @janiehaddad just ruined this day in Paris by accidentally putting the song "Kokomo" in my head just before we left the apartment.

blahmanda: MSOffice tip: proofread your formulas before you destroy the world.

Everyone on this show can get it.

MINERAL, VA—After this week’s bombing at the Boston Marathon prompted employees at a local post office to once again partially lower their American flag in honor of the attack’s victims, the flag told reporters Wednesday that it can bare...

blahmanda: We all agree #YOLO is dumb, but it's not a worthless sentiment, so I'm going to start hashtagging things #OLTL. (Mostly stuff about OLTL.)

"Winter is coming" is music to Peter Dinklage's ears. And that has nothing to do with Game of Thrones. No, it means that Dinklage can bust out his vast scarf and knit-hat collection. Seriously, Dinklage loves winter accessories as much as Tyrion Lannister loves whores. His hats tend to be ... More »

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Mary Worth, 4/18/13

Well, it looks like fate did indeed have other plans for Beth — plans that she would meet her crush in the parking lot on the way to the grocery store! It should be smooth sailing to love for these two … but wait! Why is Tom’s face obscured by shadow? Is something sinister afoot? Is Beth not headed to Food Team? Is she a devoted customer of Shop4Food, Food Team’s hated rival? Will she refuse to go grocery shopping with Tom because she’s only 16 FoodPoints away from earning a 20-cent-per-gallon discount on gas when she swipes her 4Food4Points card at participating Exxon and Mobil stations? CAN THIS LOVE BE SAVED???

Funky Winkerbean, 4/18/13

Finally, Les’s smug happiness is going to be crushed! About time, too, it’s taken a whole week. First Funky blabbed to his newscaster ex-wife, and now this information is getting to … someone … sinister. Someone who can’t afford a nice couch or functioning Venetian blinds. Someone drinking a beer. Could this be the dude who knocked up Lisa, lo those many years ago, resulting in the birth of Darrin? Could he ruin the entire project by being a dick, somehow? Probably, since nothing in the Funkyverse really makes sense, except to induce more misery!

Apartment 3-G, 4/18/13

Ha, it seems that despite the governor’s transparent macking on Lu Ann, her project still didn’t win. “Let’s hear it for helping kids with special needs! It sure is better than helping the kids of veterans, am I right? Teaching art to vets’ kids is garbage, basically.”

Mark Trail, 4/18/13

Shelly sure is mad about this fishing business! It’s almost as if she said that she didn’t enjoy the outdoors, and nobody listened and made her go on a camping trip anyway. I absolutely love her furious face in the final panel. It looks like she’s decided that if the boys insist on her killing an animal this afternoon, she’s going to just go find one and strangle it.

Spider-Man, 4/18/13

Busy CEO Kingpin doesn’t have time to just sit around and watch his newly enslaved minion beat up Spider-Man! He has important things to do on the other side of the room. That’s why he has his assistant keep tabs on things for him, so that Kingpin will be alerted in the extremely likely case that Spider-Man starts running away like a coward.

Blondie, 4/18/13

The characters in and/or the creators of Blondie have a sadly tame idea of how students on spring break act.

This post originally appeared as "WOOO LET’S GET MUSHROOMS AND OLIVES WOOO!" on The Comics Curmudgeon, which is the best blog on the Internet.

Previously: The Insecurity Pie

Ann Friedman is drunk and clumsy.

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A.J. Pierzynski tormented the Cubs for years as a member of the White Sox and on Tuesday night returned to Wrigley Field with the Rangers and reflected on some of his favorite memories.

blahmanda: RT @billyeichner: Almost any other week Tom Cruise in Oblivion would've been the scariest, most irritating thing we had to deal with. :(

I don’t want to oversell this or anything, but Peter Dinklage’s 20 Questions with Playboy is the funniest thing you’ll read this week. I know Dinklage was funny, charming, handsome, talented and lovely, of course. I’m a Dinklage Fan-Girl, of course I know all of his strengths. But before now, I did not realize just how awesome he is at giving interviews, and just how funny, witty, dry and lovely he is. I LOVE HIM. You should read the full Playboy piece here because I didn’t have room for the whole thing and ALL of his quotes are gems. Here are some highlights:

Playboy: When you won an Emmy, the announcer said that Game of Thrones is “filmed on location in Awesome Land.” Tell us more about this magical place called Awesome Land.
Dinklage: It’s in Northern Ireland. And Croatia, Morocco and Iceland, but mostly Northern Ireland. We shoot in a studio in Ireland where the Titanic was built. Not the movie but the ship that sank. That can’t be a good omen, can it? I love being over there. It’s like getting paid to be a tourist. Not that we have a choice. You can’t shoot a show like this in New Jersey.

Playboy: There’s a video on YouTube called “Peter Dinklage Gets So Much P-ssy” in which two guys talk about how much you’ve been getting laid since Game of Thrones. They estimate your sexual activity has increased 600 percent in the past few years. Does that sound about right?
Dinklage: It depends. By “p-ssy” do they mean actual p-ssy? Or is it a metaphor, like for gardening? Because if that’s the case, then yes, I’ve been doing a lot of gardening lately. If they mean sex, they might be getting me confused with somebody else. But if p-ssy means wearing old-man sweaters and watering my herb garden, then absolutely, I’m getting so much p-ssy.

Playboy: You are aware that you’re a sex symbol, right? Some might even call you a DwILF.
Dinklage: DwILF, as in Dwarf I’d Like to F–k? That’s very clever. Honestly, I think there’s an irony in all of this. I take it with a grain of salt. They’ll say, “Oh, he’s sexy,” but women still go for guys who are six-foot-two. It’s nice that people are thinking outside the box, but I don’t believe any of it for a minute.

Playboy: Have you stolen anything from a movie or TV set, such as your armor from Game of Thrones?
Dinklage: I wouldn’t want it. We’ve all been hurt from the armor so much more than saved by it. It really hurts. If you fall over while wearing that armor, you could get your throat slashed. We had a guy fall off the back of a horse, and if he hadn’t been wearing the armor, he would’ve been fine. But because he was covered from head to toe, he got banged up. It nearly killed him. That stuff is dangerous.

Playboy: During your Golden Globes acceptance speech, you mentioned Martin Henderson, who was partially paralyzed during a dwarf-tossing attack in Britain. Did you ever hear from him?
Dinklage: No. And he doesn’t need to call me. It’s fine. The whole thing was spontaneous. The morning of the awards my wife and I were having coffee, and she saw a story about him on the internet. She’s the one who told me, “You should say something.” And I was like, “No, no, I don’t want to be one of those actors with their political causes.” But the world is kind of f–ked-up, and sometimes you have to put a Band-Aid on the broken leg. My friends were less concerned with what I said than that I apparently brushed off Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on my way to the stage. When you’re in that moment and you’re about to accept an award and you have no idea what you’re going to say, you don’t notice that Brad and Angelina are reaching out to say hello. All I saw was a sea of people I needed to get through. Friends don’t care about issues like dwarf tossing. They only care about “Dude, you dissed Brangelina.”

Playboy: Villechaize preferred to be called a midget. Do you consider the word offensive?
Dinklage: It’s like the N word among short-statured people. The etymology of the word is not good, but some of us have made it our own. We add an e with an accent at the end, so now it’s midgeté—sort of a French version. I have a friend—not a dwarf—who’s an alchemist of sorts. He concocted a men’s cologne that he calls Midgeté Midgeté. He gave me a bottle as a gift. I was thinking, We should totally put this on the market. You know how Jessica Simpson and Beyoncé have signature perfumes and make a mint? I’m thinking this cologne could be my ticket to fortune. When this Game of Thrones thing winds down, Midgeté Midgeté could be my next thing.

Playboy: You went to high school in New Jersey. How well did you deal with that?
Dinklage: High school is a funny thing. On one hand you’re so fragile. But I thought I was William Burroughs by the age of 13, so I had this massive ego as well. Everything in high school feels like it’s life or death. I went to a pretty athletic high school, and I didn’t have many friends. I remember once talking to my best friend, and we came up with the idea that we should hang ourselves off the bell tower. “That’ll show them.” We totally had no inclination to commit real suicide at all; we just liked the idea of the whole town responding to this tragedy, how the school would mourn. Oh God, we were so dramatic.

Playboy: You played Tina Fey’s boyfriend on 30 Rock. She reportedly wrote the part for you because she wanted a “show-mance” with you. How do you politely tell Tina Fey, “I’m sorry, but I’m married”?
Dinklage: Well, she’s married as well. And also, this is what we do for a living. You’ve blurred the line here, buddy boy. Seriously, though, even if she were single, I wouldn’t have a chance. The line of people who want Tina Fey’s attention is already way too long. We shot most of our scenes on the street in New York, and this was around the time she was doing her Sarah Palin impersonation on Saturday Night Live. She was like royalty at that time. I mean, she’s always royalty, but especially at that time. You’ve never seen somebody more beloved by an entire city. Strangers were constantly walking up and saying hello or telling her how much they loved her. It was insane to watch. I’ve never seen anything like it.

[From Playboy]

There’s also a hysterical exchange about how he used to “do puppet shows for mother and father” (LOL) and at one point he says, “Shut up, young me.” I also learned that he’s from New Jersey! And his mom met Bruce Springsteen when Bruce was a teenager. Magic! This is my new favorite interview!

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Chris Heath warns you up high in his GQ cover story on Robert Downey Jr., that: "Conversations with Robert Downey Jr. are rarely linear, and sometimes it takes a moment to realize how one thing might relate to the next." Yes, this seems to be the perfect way to set up the inscrutable parallel the actor draws to overly emotional acting and bestiality porn (not that he's watched it, he's just seen it being sold in Amsterdam...). Here is the powerful exchange:

GQ: What are you bad at as an actor?

Robert Downey Jr.: Tons. Everything I avoid. I don't like opening doors and looking surprised. I can do all that emo stuff, but I'm so over everyone who has to have a meltdown- everybody is emotional all the time. In movies people seem to be more emotional than they would ever be if that situation was actually happening to them.

GQ: No shit.

RDJ: Yeah. And the funny thing is: People eat that up. It's not that I'm better than that or I've transcended that, it's that...I don't know...once you've been in Amsterdam and you've been in some weird magazine shop and you see some title like Hond Seks [literally translated as "dog sex," by which he means "sex with dogs] you just don't want to go to that part of town anymore.

GQ: Hold on, you've just compared acting a bit overemotionally to-

RDJ: -To bestiality! Yeah. I'm sorry, but they're both these kind of grotesque things. I don't want to say they're grotesque, but I have a reaction to it. I know you go there and you do it and it works and people eat it up, but...

GQ: You're talking about bestiality, I presume.

RDJ: Now, I'm not saying there isn't a genuine connection between these people and their animals. And that they're not sad when they go, the next morning...

Perfect metaphor. Full of the elucidation and compassion about humans fucking dogs that all metaphors should have.

Here are some more fun facts from this fun story:

• He "habitually" carries around a small suitcase that contains, among weird shit: antiparasitics and antivirals, "some kind of chemical if he happens to eat bread" (probably Ipecac) and a solid-gold Iron Man helmet head. About that head, the actor says, "It is funny, dude. I do contemplate this thing."
• The three weeks before his Iron Man screen test were "a time of focused preparation and of 'spiritual/ ritualistic processes' that he still considers private and prefers not to detail."
• After spending about 20 years in Hollywood churning out flop after flop, he's in the middle of a hot streak, repeatedly striking gold in recent years with the Iron Man franchise, the Sherlock Holmes franchise and Tropic Thunder. Here is how Robert Downey Jr. explains his success: "We work weekends. This is not a 'Monday through Friday and then let's go and party in Aspen' thing. We work weekends."
• He keeps a metal robot on his patio. It holds an ax and a potato peeler. "Which I think is pretty awesome," says Downey. "He might kill you, or we might make some string fries together."
• He is always poking his head in the editing room of Iron Man 3 to give his notes on "pacing...story...payoffs...setups...moments...surprises" and also to irritate people with his vanity. "Once in a while I'm: 'Please, guys-show me another take where I don't look like I'm taking a shit and screaming at the same time.'"
• It's "just a fact" that he will one day win an Oscar; "I, personally, would be shocked if we went to the end of the tape now and I didn't have at least one."
• His perky Iron Man franchise contract allowed him to make about $50 million for the first installment of the mega-grossing Avengers offshoot. To make about a thousand times more dollars for one movie than the average U.S. household makes in a full year, Downey "just showed up, hit my marks." He adds, "It was very easy-it was so easy I didn't see how it could work." He is smiling as he says this.
• He owns two cats (Monty and D'Artagnan), four alpacas (Fuzzy, Baby, Madre, and Dandy) and two pygmy goats (Trigger and Memo). There is no indication that he has made porn with any of them.

GQ: "RD3"

[Image via Getty]

IT’S A NEW SPEAKEASY WITH PAUL F. TOMPKINS!

This time out I chat with the terrifically talented and charming Alison Brie about Mad Men, Community and being just a little baby!

Mark Ruffalo isn't the sort of actor who demands adoration: He had to be convinced to accept an activism award last night at the Annual Riverkeeper's Fishermen's Ball, and while there, he said that self-obsession just isn't his bag. "I've never Googled myself on the Internet," he told us. Does ... More »

Is there a history that Lance Berkman has with Wrigley Field that we don't know about? Did it say something about his mama? Did they go on a date and it never him called back? Did it borrow something and never return it to him? Because apparently Lance Berkman haaaaaaaaaates Wrigley Field. Berkman's Texas Rangers are in Chicago on Tuesday to start a series with the Cubs. It's the first time the Rangers have played there since 2002. Berkman, however, played in the National League with the St. Louis Cardinals and Houston Astros. He's quite familiar with Wrigley. So when reporters asked Rangers players about what it meant to visit Wrigley , they got a mouthful from Berkman. These harsh words from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram : “If they’re looking for a guy to push the button when they blow the place up, I’ll do it ... Chicago’s one of the worst places in baseball … really for anything.