Megan

"What will a woman's presidency mean for our daughters? What will it mean for our sons?" I was thinking recently, not about the answers to these questions but about the questions themselves -- how we are the first generation in our nation's history who have asked them... 

This past weekend, I watched my oldest daughter create picture after picture after picture of a gracefully aging woman wearing pants next to the words GIRL POWER and thought back to when I was her age and what GIRL POWER looked like to me -- Pink Power Rangers and She-Ra and Catwoman  -- women who were literally warriors... who hid behind costumes and masks in order to fight back. In those days, GIRL POWER felt like a costume girls wore on Halloween -- a store-bought cape in pink instead of blue -- a cartoon. 
That was less than 30 years ago and in those three decades, so much has changed -- not our stories so much, but our willingness to tell them. Clearly women have always been this strong but never has there been a time where so many women were this unabashed in claiming their strength. 

We are raising our children in the golden age of learning and unlearning -- where becoming strong means refusing the stronghold, not just in terms of feminism and "what it means to be a woman" but feminism and "what it SHOULDN'T mean to be a man." We are raising our children with an awareness of intersectionality -- and the recognition that privilege is a superpower MANY PEOPLE HAVE without DOING. A. SINGLE. THING. TO. EARN. IT. People like me. Families like mine. 

And while we have massive amounts of work to do, we are, for the first time in history, communicating openly about that work in ways we never have before. We are LISTENING to each other.  We are recognizing that UNLESS WE ARE ALL PART OF A SOLUTION, we will always be part of the problem. We are talking to our children about standing up and saying NO and fighting forward. We are having conversations in open forums, exposing our vulnerable selves as a sign of strength. We are refusing shame by stripping down to our souls, by opening our closets, our windows, the diaries we were told to keep locked.

Hush little baby, don't say a word. Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.

If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all... 

Words, it turns out, will break many things. They will break hearts and they will break minds and they will break through ... And that's just it. I feel like I'm witnessing a societal breakthrough -- all these women coming forward, standing side by side, uniting our states...  Shamelessly saying NO for all the times we felt we couldn't -- doing so with our daughters and sons as witnesses, relieved to find solidarity in strangers, furious that THESE are the experiences that tie us together. Calling out sexism at every level and on all sides. Would that have happened to this extent had we not seen firsthand what a woman's rise to the presidency really TRULY looks like? 

I wholeheartedly doubt it. 

It is becoming increasingly clear that we are breaking ground on a new construction site as a nation -- as a society. And this moment, I believe, is a crossroads. Women, for the most part, want a future that differs wildly from the past. And while there are many men who feel the same, this election has revealed a frightening revelation that many men (and some women) do not and that has allowed us all to ask more questions, to look deeper into how misogyny and sexism and patriarchy have affected ALL of us.
And while these last few months have been soul-crushing and hideous and extremely hard on SO many of us for a multitude of reasons, I stopped this weekend, watching Fable teach her sisters to draw trees and our future president's wrinkles and thought about their world -- their activities and thoughts, stories and truths, opinions and questions -- about things I had no knowledge of at their age.
This is not an election about right vs left or woman vs man or even right vs wrong. This election is about our children's future vs our parents' past. This is an election where we get to choose between exclusion and inclusion, walls and windows, breaking barriers or condemning progress. And we cannot, as a nation, as a people choose NOT to grow up. 

Progress vs regression is, at its core, what this election has always been about. HRC is an arrow facing forward. Trump wants this country to go back to when it was "great." When women weren't allowed to vote and teenagers lost their lives getting back alley abortions and Christopher Columbus was lauded in all of our history books. 

And while everything feels particularly awful right now, divided and contemptuous and seemingly hopeless, I keep thinking, perhaps this is what sea change looks like. I keep thinking about the first fish who grew legs and walked on land... and how their babies' babies' babies would never know what it was like to breathe solely underwater. Life must evolve in order to survive. And whether we realize it or not, our pockets are full of rocks for the paths we are continuously paving... not for ourselves but for our children: for their children and their children's children's children. Progress is our lifeline -- our legacy, our GIFT to future generations who will grow up with the capacity not to follow in our footsteps but to LEAD FROM OUR PATH. May we vote with them in mind.
I believe we are breaking ground on a new time -- where the boys wielding sticks and stones cannot scare the girls into silence anymore. Because WORDS are the game changers. Storytellers are warriors and more women than ever are on the front lines, fingers raw from typing truth to power as their children rearrange the status quo with new definitions of GIRL POWER and magic and heroism and the knowledge that to be girl is to SPEAK OUT and MAKE NOISE and CHANGE LIVES and LEAD.

Because THAT IS WHAT WOMEN DO. 

We are the first generation of parents to ask what a woman's presidency will look like for our daughters and what electing her will look like for our sons. And while citing "forefathers" in our history books and "crowning thy good with brotherhood" will always be our past, I, as well as many other women, men and children, demand a different looking future. And I believe, with my whole heart, that THIS RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW is where the guard changes... I believe that this moment marks a new beginning in our democracy and illuminates new light in our daughters' eyes.
Girl Power isn't a costume anymore; it is the platform our daughters continue to build from the wreckage of a patriarchy we, along with generations of women before us, have worked to dismantle. We are all part of this record scratch...

"...SPEAK, LITTLE BABY. SAY ALL THE WORDS. MAMA'S HERE TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR VOICE IS HEARD..."

And I am eternally grateful to stand here -- in this moment -- as part of the sisterhood who continues to rally together to elect our first female president -- a woman, mother and grandmother who is also the most qualified presidential candidate in our nation's history. And I look forward to clutching the hands of my daughters Tuesday morning as we walk, chin up, eyes forward, into the polls...

...Mama's here to make sure that your voice is heard...

I really hate that my first post back is going to be political, because quite frankly I think talking politics on the Internet is a complete waste of time. No one ever wins. Everyone’s already made up their minds and no one’s actually LISTENING to anyone else – just talking over one another until it gets so loud and awful that everyone hates each other in the end.

Plus, I’m pretty clear on just how many shits other people give about my political opinion – and that number would be hovering right around zero.

BUT.

I’ve seen this bullshit blog post shared on Facebook at least six times now, in some cases by people – WOMEN! – whom I know and love very much, and I simply CAN. NOT. abide this nonsense for one more fucking second.

So I’m about to waste my time and tell you exactly what I think about that.

Why I’m Voting for Donald Trump
I am a white female. A victim of sexual abuse. A Republican. A Christian.
And I am voting for Donald Trump. And I want to tell you why…

I find this post terrifying, because it’s written by a woman who clearly cares. She’s obviously put a lot of thought into this and taken time to express her opinions in a fairly well written post. And the women I know who have shared it are a lot like her. Most of them are middle class, working moms who would consider themselves Christian and patriotic and feel strongly about providing the best possible future to their kids.

But the thing is, if any one of them would just stop for a second and do ONE LICK of homework on any of these issues, they would see that it’s all just plain wrong. The future they envision will simply never be attained by voting for the Republican party – regardless of how slimy the candidate is.

These women are willingly ignoring the facts, buying into a bunch of propaganda from a party whose success depends on keeping them down, allowing it to scare the hell out of them with lies and manipulated half-truths, and choosing to vote against their own self interests.

I am absolutely baffled by this. And angry. And scared. Because, while I do think Donald Trump has pretty successfully assholed himself out of this election, I still think it matters that so many people – WOMEN, especially – are continuing to make these arguments – loudly and vehemently – that are so very clearly wrong.

It probably won’t change any minds, but just for giggles let’s unpack this particular post, shall we?

Hillary wants open borders…
Hillary wants to allow anyone and everyone into our country, regardless of the danger she could be putting her own people in…

First, Hillary has never suggested that we just throw all the doors open to our borders and let “anyone and everyone” in. She supports restrictions and vetting absolutely. She just thinks those restrictions should be a little more complex than a “No Muslims Allowed” clubhouse sign.

She also believes that it is fair and right to offer safe harbor to other human beings who are in desperate need of it, as well as a path to citizenship for families who have come to this country searching for a better life. She believes, as I do, that to turn refugees away categorically, or to separate millions of parents from their children, husbands from their wives, in some mass deportation scheme, goes against every value this country was founded upon.

Fun fact: We are a country of immigrants! Unless you’re a Native American, you came to be here because your ancestors did the exact same thing as the refugees and immigrants that you’re all so determined now to keep out. Our forebears ALL came here looking for sanctuary, freedom, opportunity – and they found it! Now we have a chance to pay that good fortune forward, to others whose very lives are in jeopardy – and the best we can give them is a smirk and a “sorry not sorry” as we slam the door in their faces?

For those of you who consider yourselves Christians, what exactly DO you think Jesus would do in this situation? Do you honestly believe that leaving these people hanging out to dry is WWJD? You don’t think maybe he’d find a way to give at least some of those weary, needy travelers a room or two at the inn?

Plus, that whole wall thing is just dumb. I mean, come on.

…taking guns out of the hands of Americans leaves us completely helpless…

Please, please, please stop with the whole “they want to take away all our guns” thing. Hillary does NOT advocate taking guns away from all Americans – NOR DOES THE DEMOCRATIC PLATFORM. I’m so tired of this argument I can’t even stand it. It’s simply not true.

Hillary supports reasonable regulation of arms to keep them out of the hands of those who cannot or will not handle them responsibly. You know, like those nutjobs who keep shooting up our schools and malls and offices and such? The ones murdering us and our children randomly? Yeah. Those guys.

After Sandy Hook, I simply cannot BELIEVE that a mother – any mother – could support the NRA-controlled Republican party on this issue. If you vote Republican, you are voting for ZERO regulation. Nothing, nada, zip, zilch, ZERO will be done to prevent the continued slaughter of innocent people in our country. How can you possibly be okay with this insane status quo?

And hey, Texas ladies – open carry? You don’t find these looney-tune dudes – men you do not know – roaming around Target legally showing off their tiny penises – oh, sorry, I meant semi-automatic weapons – terrifying? While you’re there shopping with your kid? You’re really okay with that?

Because I totally AM NOT.

Hillary has made lots of promises that sound great, but they all require MORE TAXES. And yes, a lot of them are on the wealthy, which sounds fair…but guess what? MOST of those wealthy people have gotten to where they are because they worked hard and used smart business practices. And also, those wealthy people are usually successful business people who EMPLOY other people. So by penalizing them, you are not helping anyone. You are taking more money out of the hands of American people and putting more money in the hands of the government.

So… economics. Yay.

The economic approach that Trump and the Republican party espouse is called “trickle down economics” – and it DOES NOT WORK. It creates a huge divide between classes, making the rich super rich and leaving the rest of us completely screwed. This has been proven time and time and time again. (For a recent example, just look at what conservative economics has done to Kansas!)

Recessions happen four times more frequently under Republican presidents than Democrats. The stock market performs better under a Democratic administration. And Democratic presidents add more jobs than Republicans – in the case of Obama vs. Bush, that would be MORE THAN TWICE as many. These are all measurable facts.

It might make rich Republicans feel better to build themselves up on the backs of the middle and lower classes, but it is absolutely NOT better for the country as a whole. Hillary’s plan would increase government revenues by $1.1 trillion over ten years, while Trump’s plan would actually lower revenues over the same time period by a staggering 9.6 TRILLION DOLLARS. Where on earth do you think that would leave us?

Now, look. I know you might not like it that someone who is poor and struggling might get some assistance from the government that your taxes paid for. (Personally, I think that’s kind of shitty of you, but whatever.) But just set that aside for a minute and do a little research. Look into the actual economic results of both Republican and Democratic presidencies. Hell, at the very least, educate yourself on how that tax revenue that you hate to give is actually spent in this country. National defense, Medicare and Medicaid, public education, law enforcement… these are all pretty important things that we’d be kind of screwed without, no? And guess what? None of that shit is free.

Please, when it comes to your economic arguments – DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Don’t just believe what the scary rich men tell you.

The ONLY people who would not suffer under a Trump economy are the super wealthy, top 1%. Are you one of them? No? Then when you vote Republican you are voting against your own economic interests!!

Whoever the next President is will likely nominate FIVE Supreme Court judges. FIVE…
It’s possible that America would NEVER recover from a 7-2 Democratic majority. We NEED to keep Republicans in the Supreme Court who will uphold the Constitution…

While it is true that the next president will likely nominate more than one Supreme Court justice, that number can’t actually be predicted because it depends on so many unpredictable factors. And I would certainly argue that our more liberal justices (justices aren’t classified as “Republican” or ”Democrat,” since they’re supposed to be, you know, NOT ruled by political parties) are just as dedicated to upholding the constitution as their more conservative counterparts – they simply disagree on the best way to go about that in our ever-changing, always advancing modern world.

Still, this is a big and very important part of this election, and should not be trivialized.

The list of nominees that Trump put forth (long before being elected, which was… weird) is a Republican’s wet dream, to be sure. Anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-minority, anti-birth control, anti-everything, as far as I can tell. Except maybe corporations and guns.

But maybe you love that! Maybe you think it’s awesome to strip women of their access to health plans covering contraception. Maybe you love the idea of putting LGBT couples in jail for having sex. Or letting companies discriminate against particular customers or employees because they happen to be gay.

(Maybe you’re a total asshole, too, but hey, I don’t know you.)

So, you think these guys are all great. But what you really need to remember here is this: We are talking about Donald Trump. And just because he says these are the people he would nominate, that doesn’t mean he actually will. I mean, he said a whole bunch of times that he’d release his tax records, and I think we all know how that’s turned out.

So think about that, would ya?

Hillary can talk about other social issues all she wants, but her views on abortion show how little she values human life. Period.

Okay. The abortion thing. Let’s talk about that. Because there seems to be a tremendous amount of misinformation flying around out there, that a whole bunch of people are buying into.

Let’s first dispel the myth that Democrats just LOVE abortion. We don’t. Our ultimate goal is the exact same as the Republicans – no more abortions. We just disagree fundamentally on how this goal is best achieved. That’s it. To continue insisting that we do not value human life is a gross mischaracterization; a cartoonish simplification of a complicated position that is both unfair and untrue.

So stop saying it.

Republicans think outlawing abortion will actually end abortion. Criminalize the hell out of it and it’ll all just stop, they say. Democrats, on the other hand, think this approach is horribly short-sighted and suspect that, instead of stopping abortions, it will just make them incredibly unsafe for the thousands of desperate women who will find ways to have them anyway. We’re talking back alleys and coat hangers, people. We’re talking death or serious injury for thousands upon thousands of women – women who are your sisters, daughters, friends.

(And don’t tell me it wouldn’t happen – because it absolutely would, and we all know it. Didn’t you ever see Dirty Dancing?)

Instead of putting everyone in jail and forcing women to face terrible choices on their own with no medical options, Democrats believe it makes more sense to create an environment where unwanted pregnancies do not occur in the first place.

How do we accomplish this? Well, by giving women – all women, even the poor ones! – comprehensive EDUCATION, ready access to BIRTH CONTROL, and safe and effective HEALTH CARE.

We do not believe that simply telling people to just never have sex will work. We do not believe that restricting access to birth control will work. We do not believe that calling women babykillers or otherwise shaming them will work. And we certainly do not believe that physically forcing a woman to carry a baby to term that she does not want will work – on any level.

While I appreciate that you might believe that life begins at conception, I respectfully disagree. But the fact is, nobody actually knows the truth. And until we do, we should focus on the best, most productive ways to achieve our shared goal of no more abortions – instead of demonizing one another. And certainly we should stop the scorched earth approach to clinics like Planned Parenthood – which provides invaluable education and essential healthcare services to millions of women who have few, if any, other options – that Republicans seem to love so much.

***

Of course, this woman’s post never touched on the numerous other issues that are crazy important in this election – like the fact that global temperatures are proven to be rising and climate change is NOT a Chinese myth, or our country’s growing $1.1 trillion student loan debt, or the complete absence of any Republican plan to manage the healthcare crisis that would surely occur should the Affordable Care Act be repealed as promised.

She did, of course, throw out some totally unfounded accusations about Hillary and a rapist (please, for the love of Christ, look this up) and, a “cover-up” of Bill’s affairs (which I guess wasn’t too successful, since we’re all here talking about it, 30 years later)… But she never discussed the fact that Trump doesn’t pay taxes, or that time when he suggested that a Hispanic judge couldn’t do his job because of his race, or all the small business owners he fleeced when building his casino, or the African American families his company discriminated against during his slum lord days, or that time he went after the gold star mom who didn’t speak at the Democratic convention because she was overcome with grief for her lost son, or that phase he went through where he was calling reporters and pretending to be a fictional dude to somehow make himself look cool in the press (“That can’t possibly be true!” Oh, but it is, my friend, it is. “But that’s just… just…” I know, my friend, I KNOW), or how awful he is to beauty contestants and the disabled, or how super gross he gets when he talks about HIS OWN DAUGHTER (ick ick ick ick ick).

So I will let all of that go for now.

But what I CAN’T let go is the fact that there are people I know – WOMEN I KNOW, who are otherwise smart, successful, funny, interesting, and way, way better than this – who, for some reason, keep buying into all of this garbage, enough to repost this crap and talk about how worried they are for their children. I am shocked and disappointed – and I just can’t understand how this is so.

I’ve got news for you ladies: you are not the only ones who are worried. I, too, am worried. I’m worried for our future. I’m worried about the country my son will inherit. I worry for my friends and their children who are African American and can’t drive past a police car without being scared of getting shot. I worry for my Hispanic friends whose families might be torn apart. I worry for those who are poor and can’t feed their families despite working two jobs at minimum wage. I worry for those suffering from illness who desperately need universal healthcare to not fucking die. I worry for our country and our planet and our world.

And the most worrisome part to me is that people I know and care about – former classmates, co-workers, friends – people who should know better are complacent in all of this, and willing to let the worst happen… all because they’re either too lazy to find the facts for themselves, too greedy to let others share in the wealth, or too obstinate to change their minds.

Save

(Since you haven’t read this post yet, you won’t fully appreciate this. But please know, the hardest thing to write was the title because I was TERRIFIED that I would lose a reader who MIGHT have been changed by my words but wouldn’t even read the post because of the title, and so I almost didn’t use that title.)

It should come as a surprise to NO ONE that I’m a total people-pleaser. I’m sure that it’s partly because of my newly discovered abandonment issues, but the idea of someone not liking me is upsetting on a VERY VERY VERY deep level. Obviously, I know there are people who don’t like me. I’ve been unfriended on Facebook twice and blocked once, so those are very concrete moments where I can say, “Welp. That person doesn’t like me.” AND THOSE THINGS STAY WITH ME. It’s terrible.

But I’m working on it.

(Drink!)

This plays into the political season quite a bit because I’m very VERY careful about how I present messages of support for people or ideas. I rarely (if ever) post things criticizing people/ideas and more often post support of people/ideas. I do this partly because of the abandonment issues and partly because I truly believe in changing minds with steady logic and kindness instead of bullying.

I once saw someone refer to Laverne Cox as a “he/she” on Facebook and I saw RED. That is SO INSULTING to a transgender person. They have openly claimed their gender identity and we respect that by using it. I wanted to RAGE and maybe even MOCK. But then I stepped back and remembered the girl who took the time to explain to me once why using the word “retarded” casually was insulting and – instead – I shared out a helpful media guide about how to refer to transgender people.

And do you know what someone said to me later? “I didn’t even know that was derogatory until you shared that out.” And that wasn’t even the person I was directing it to! So my instincts to yell would have upset that person, instead, I enlightened them.

Hank Green posted this on Twitter yesterday and I almost retweeted it, but then I thought about it awhile and didn’t because I don’t always want to change the minds of people I disagree with (like I don’t want to convert my Christian friends to atheism), so I didn’t retweet it. But often, when I do want to change minds? It’s definitely done better with kindness than with anger.

But sometimes y’all? Sometimes I want to get really angry. But will I lose people I could have convinced by doing that? Is there a point where I stop caring if I do because I just want to scream something from the rooftops?

Teachers around here are very respected. Our school system has had some administration that maybe hasn’t made it easy on the teachers and as a result they’re loved and adored even more so than usual. BUT. We all know there are bad apples and that they need to be punished and removed. We’ve had some stories of illegal activities and those teachers are arrested and sent to jail. We don’t lose our respect for the group as a whole by standing up and talking about how horrible it was that this particular teacher deserves punishment. No one thinks I hate teachers when I celebrate the arrest of a teacher who had sex with one of her students.

Yet…YET…no one is allowed (around here in my community anyway) to voice their disgust over crappy police officers without FIRST writing entire paragraphs PROVING how much you love the people in law enforcement. And even then…you STILL get completely trashed for even daring to support the Black Lives Matter group because they are seen as anti-Police.

And I’m angry. I’m angry because #TerenceCrutcher was unarmed and had his arms up and he was shot and yet…YET…I saw a friend act appalled on Facebook and tag something #BlackLivesMatter and suddenly she was lambasted for being anti-police.

And I have the luxury to decide to play nice because it’s not my son. My husband. My brother. It’s not my daughter or even my friend. None of my family is at risk because of the color of their skin, so I can whisper instead of shout.

But the system is never going to change unless the majority wants it to change. And the majority is white. And I want it to change. And I’m starting to feel a fight within myself between playing “nice” and trying to post kind and respectful articles that explain how the marginalized got so angry without placing blame on anyone who is white but you know? It’s our fault. We are white and the system that continues to favor us is at fault. So of course we don’t fight to change it because it favors us, so know what? That means WE are AT FAULT.

And I find myself facing my own truth and looking deep inside myself. I do TRULY believe my method changes hearts and minds, my method of kindness and understanding and empathy, but do my black friends care? If I whisper “black lives matter” and kind of ambiguously support Colin Kaepernick, am I really delivering the message of support to the people of color crushed every day by the system that allows me to go to bed every night not worrying about my 21-year old son getting pulled over by cops? (He has gotten pulled over and ticketed several times and none of those stories scared me.) I am wrapped in a blanket and kept warm by the system of racism that exists around me, so when I only whisper my criticisms while holding onto the blanket at my shoulders, am I really fighting against it?

Is there a way to shout and still actually change minds of sensitive white people?

The system around us is racist. You remove other factors: Age, Income, Education and you compare two men of different skin color and at EVERY TURN they are treated differently. Black students are suspended more often and that’s even balanced out to a percentage of the race populations as a whole. The race division in jail does not equal the race division in the general population and while some analysis supports poverty over race for these numbers, The U.S. Sentencing Commission reported in March 2010 that in the federal system black offenders receive sentences that are 10% longer than white offenders for the same crimes. And even if you support the “it’s poverty” argument, then we can look back at other factors in the racist system that cause the poverty divide. Like the fact that up until fair housing in 1968, the system supported refusing to give home loans to black applicants, even those who had come back from war.

If you’re willing to open your eyes and really dig into our history you can see the vein of racism that still shapes everything today. It’s painful. I’ve been open to these ideas since Michael Brown and it hurts. Some days I fight against it because I’m ashamed and embarrassed by how ignorant I’ve been. But if you’re willing to face the ugly truth you can accept that people of color have a different relationship with law enforcement than we do. That doesn’t mean we don’t have non-White cops, that doesn’t mean there aren’t people of color who disagree with that statement. But in general, it’s a much different relationship and if you’re willing to read words that make you feel uncomfortable, brave people are putting their stories out there to help the blind see.

So I find myself wondering, am I doing more harm than good by tenderfooting around the messages so that I can MAYBE convert a few white people to see the side of the Black Lives Matter efforts? Am I supporting the racist system by not shouting about it’s racism from the rooftops? Is it time to take off the kid gloves?

This has been on my mind a lot lately, but especially after that tweet yesterday. Especially after being told to quit whispering and SHOUT.

This was another one that hit home. I can tell you times I’ve heard friends and family say things and my first thought is, Wait. I think that might have been racist. And I don’t say anything (#PeoplePleasing) and even find myself justifying their words or framing them in a non-racist way so I feel better about not saying anything. And sometimes I use the old standby, “What’s the point?”

Well. I guess that’s where I’m at now. The point is? Maybe to truly change the system it’s time for those of us benefitting from it to quit worrying about the feelings of other people also benefitting from it. Oh? I might upset this white person by pointing out their racism? We are at a point where black skin is seen as a weapon. Where an unarmed scared man with his hands in the air gets shot and his friends and family have to provide some sort of PROOF that he was a good guy because the other side can’t wait to find out that he might have had drugs in his car, or a criminal record. WHEN NONE OF THAT MATTERS.

And the people of color are rising up and screaming from the rooftops of the burning buildings, “WE ARE DYING. HELP US!” And I’m down here saying, “Okay!” And then I’m still worrying about the feelings of the white people around me as I look for support. I’m yelling, “I’ll catch you!” to the rooftop but I’m refusing get my white friends and family to help me because it might hurt their feelings. I can’t catch them alone. They need our help. ALL of us. Even those of us scared to face the truth of our own unintentional racism.

That’s how the system just keeps surviving. And I think I’m at a crossroads and I need to worry less about the feelings of the people perpetuating the system and worry more about the feelings of the people being stomped by it every day.

On Saturday we took the kids to the Self Realization Fellowship garden. We had made plans to do so before Friday's attack on Paris. And Thursday's attack on Beirut. And the attack on Kenya in April. And. And. And... 
I have seen the strong reactions in and from all directions regarding whom to mourn and how. Because the truth is, when it comes to tragedy, most of us ARE quick to pledge allegiance to the flag that feels familiar. The song that makes us dance. Our own reflection in the mirror...

Petals to Picots -

I thought it would be fun to make a set of sports themed cork boards for my sons room so he can pin up keepsakes, pictures, sports schedules and such. I started with this football cork board (you can find the free pattern and tutorial here) and just finished the crochet baseball one that I am sharing today. So far […]

The post Crochet Baseball Cork Board Pattern appeared first on Petals to Picots.

My kids started school this morning and I have a slew of back to school posts I'll be rolling out these next few days but I wanted to take a moment today to pay my respects to Robin Williams. I posted this last night on Instragram after witnessing the changing of the marquee at The Improv here in Hollywood because the whole experience was too poetic not to share.

In the comments on Instagram it was mentioned that we didn't love him we loved his work. And I wholeheartedly (and respectively) disagree. For many the two are not mutually exclusive. For the great comics and the great actors and the great writers and painters and musicians, the work is beloved not because it is played precisely or written without grammatical errors, but because it murmurs with the depths of the human puppeteer. What made his "work" so great was that it was infused with human insignificance. Only the TRULY significant can approach that in a way that is genuine and beautiful and hopeful and REAL.

That's why we, as strangers, are so moved.

Because a friend is someone who holds up the mirror. In the flesh, yes, but also from the stage, from the screen, from the page, the sky...
True comedy is such a commodity - it is the most underrated form of genius, perhaps. And also, perhaps the most misunderstood. To stand on a stage and deliver jokes to an audience of judges... to spin tragedy into comedy in such a way that reminds us of and also distracts us from our flaws... what more is there to ask of another? What bigger the gift?

I've spent a lot of time reading the various stories and tributes to Robin Williams. My friend Matty tweeted this last night and then I came across the image/words his daughter Zelda posted and then I found the Norm Macdonald stream and I'm just going to leave it here because it made me laugh and cry and think, Yes. This is why we're all so sad.

...Because even though we didn't know him, this scene feels familiar. Like he was speaking yiddish to us, too.... a Jewish tailor taking all of our measurements with his invisible tape.

The place was out of Moo Shoo pork and there was nothing he could do about it. 

And that, of course, is what makes it hurt most of all.

To those battling depression, my thoughts are with you. I'm sorry you are hurting and I'm sorry we operate in a world that stigmatizes mental illness, that calls suicide "selfish", that ridicules humans (especially men) for being empathetic and emotional creatures, and makes it extremely difficult for ALL PEOPLE (especially those who are not financially established) to get help. I don't have the experience from which to write on this subject but Jenny does so I'm just going to leave this here. Peace and light to all. 

Edited to Add Preface: I wrote this last night, almost immediately after Nikki told me how her friend told her she was going to Hell. I clicked “publish” this morning and now just read it again and realize that maybe I’m coming off as preachy. I don’t know. Please just read this as written by the Mother of a Child who gets her feelings hurt when people tell her she’s going to Hell. I’m also a Mother would does not want to discourage a path to the Church. If my kids want to go to Church? I hope they find one that is welcoming. But they’re never going to even look if they keep getting told they’re damned.

So, please know that’s where my mind was when I wrote this last night. If it seems self-righteous, I’m sorry. I was feeling a bit raw.

If your child has been taught at church that non-believers go to Hell, will you do me a QUICK favor and have a variation of this conversation with them? A message that has surely been delivered at Sunday School, but is boring and gets lost behind the much more exciting NON-BELIEVERS GO TO HELL! message.

While we do believe that non-believers (or the unsaved) will go to Hell, it is not our job to condemn them. It is our job, as believers, to try to bring them to salvation. And we do that by acting Christ-like. We do that by praying for them. We do that by living the Gospel and the commandments. We act in a way that makes our non-believer friends want to learn more about our church. We invite our non-believer friends to worship with us. But most importantly? We show by our actions what God’s love and salvation has done in our lives.

We do not, ever, tell someone we can not be their friend if they do not believe in God.
We do not, ever, tell someone they are going to Hell if they don’t believe in God.

Those two things will not help a non-believer feel welcomed by our church family. And if something we say drives someone away from the church, instead of to the church, then we have done the opposite of what God wants from us.

So, if you have a friend who you know doesn’t believe in God, then first we should pray for them. And if this person’s salvation is very important to you, then we should pray for guidance about how best to show them the path to salvation. Jesus loved the sinners, and by showing them love – even if they didn’t believe, he led the sinners to his Father.

Kids often build judgements and opinions based on things they hear adults they trust say, which is why we have to be VERY CAREFUL to make sure and have real discussions with them about important topics. In my family? We talk about religion a LOT. I talk about my own journey in the church and why I ended up living my adult life as an Agnostic Atheist. We talked about Lent recently because I made a Lenten goal to send forty letters by mail before Easter. We talked about First Communion the other night thanks to this picture here. We talk about Jesus and Allah and Buddha – although not too much about the latter because the kids laugh too much when I say the word “Buddha”. I’m very knowledgable in some areas, in others we hit up Reverend Google for answers. These conversations have really helped me hash out a lot of my own “beliefs” – which is why I encourage them so greatly.

I’m pretty sure all kids are fascinated by the concept of Hell, I know I was. Hell was probably the big thing that drove me away from the church because I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that good people who just didn’t believe in God or Jesus – would end up in Hell. I thought about Hell a lot. From the time when I was 6 and prayed the rosary over a dead bird I found (I hoped that would convince God to let the bird hang in heaven) to the time when I challenged my religion teacher in high school to explain to me how it would be fair for good people in a remote tribe in the jungle to go to Hell when they had never even met a Christian.

It also didn’t help that I had several “bad” years which – you know – guaranteed me a ticket to the hot zone.

Anyway – I tell you this so that you know your kids might think about Hell all the time too. I don’t know how your church works, if your child goes to Sunday school or if they sit in Big Church with you, but any time they’ve heard about the fact that non-believers go to Hell? From that moment on – they are intrigued. So, if they’ve heard that simple message: Non-Believers Go To Hell, then they walk away with that on their minds and in their hearts.

First? You need to decide in your own heart of that’s what you want them to believe. My Dad, while Catholic in many ways, did not really believe in any sort of hellish afterlife. And if there was one, he didn’t think the main exclusive variable would be “Do you believe in God? Are you saved?” So, if your church teaches one thing and you believe something different, make sure to talk to your kid about that.

But if you believe Non-Believers will go to Hell, then you need to talk to your children about what to do with that information. Sometimes they remember the “HELL!” part because that’s exciting, and ignore everything afterwards about ministry. Have that conversation OFTEN. Maybe EVERY time Hell is mentioned in church or in Sunday school. Make sure that proper, Christ-like ministry is JUST as important of a message as damnation. Because chances are, you are not the one teaching them on Sundays. Either a minister or a Sunday School teacher is. And while they know the lessons, they don’t have time to follow up on repetitive ideas to make sure the RIGHT message sticks. Even if they say once, “Non-believers go to Hell, so we need to be Good Believers and bring people to the church!” your kids only hung on to the HELL! HELL! HELL! part.

Because that’s the cool part.

So, it’s your job to repeat the boring part OVER and OVER and OVER again. How to properly minister and bring non-believers to the church. How Jesus embraced the non-believers.

Now…why did I write about this today? Because Nikki came home with – YET ANOTHER – story about a friend who told her they can’t be friends anymore if she doesn’t believe in God. And that she’s going to Hell.

Now, do I fault the parents or the church? No. I’m sure they’re teaching the right messages. But the kids are only grabbing the EXCITING! part of the message. So the boring part has to be taught more often. Over and over and over again. Just like how we have to remind our kids to brush our teeth every day. Christians need to remind their children the value of good and proper ministry in their community. Sometimes it’s as boring as brushing your teeth, but it’s as important.

Because, no matter how saturated your community is with Christians, the world is NOT saturated. Your child is going to meet a non-Christian. 17% of people in the U.S. claim NO religion. That’s almost 1 in 5. Your child needs to be properly prepared to embrace the non-believers as Christ did, not condemn them. And since you’re a believer, you would have no reason to know your child’s message to non-believers. And if your friends all go to Church, then you’ve never seen them interact with non-believers.

My children are the non-believers. Or at least non-church goers. Sometimes they say they “believe in God” but then they describe a God that is basically Santa Claus, so I’m not sure what religion they’re trending to yet. Either way – they know I don’t believe in God. And they know that’s why we don’t go to church. And they’re not ashamed of that, they’re not embarrassed by it, so they have no problem talking about it. I’m just asking that your child be aware that kids like mine exist.

I don’t remove the possibility from my children that they some day go to church. I tell them the right questions to ask, and the right things to look for if they ever want to join a church. I don’t encourage it, but I surely don’t discourage it at all. But when they’re told they’re going to Hell at age 8? It steers them off any path that might have had them curious to begin with.

So, have the talk with your kids. Make sure they carried the FULL message out of Sunday school. Not just the “HELL! HELL! HELL!” part. (Even though that’s good part.)

Remind them that the boring part about good ministry is just as important.

Thanks,
Kim – Mother of the Damned.

This is a conversation I had with my kids in the car yesterday afternoon as we ran errands. I wish I could have recorded it because it’s a very typical conversation in our house and I feel like it’s a good example of how easy it is to talk to kids about LGBT issues. I’m recording it here as close to verbatim as possible.

Nikki (age 8): Mom…what do you call people like us? People who don’t mind if gay people get married?

Me: Um…I think people say they’re “LGBT Allies” – there’s actually an organization I think called “Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays”.

Nikki: What does LGBT mean?

Me: L is Lesbian, and G is Gay. You know what those two mean…

Wesley (age 5): ELLEN IS A LESBIAN! Right?

Me: Yep…Ellen Degeneres is a lesbian with a wife named Portia. Anyway…B is for Bisexual. I’m not sure if we’ve talked about that one. You know how Gays and Lesbians want to marry people the same gender as they are? Bisexuals don’t care WHAT gender you are! They are attracted to boys AND girls. I think they’re the luckiest, personally, because they have more people to choose from when looking for someone to love!

Nikki: YEAH. They do! They get twice as many options!

Me: Exactly! Now…T is a little trickier to explain. A Transgender person is basically a person who’s heart and body don’t match. They might have been born with a penis but in their heart they feel like a girl. They might have been born with a vagina but in their heart they feel like a boy. It’s a tough thing because it may take until they’re adults to really understand their feelings. A lot of times they just feel…wrong…growing up. But once they realize they’re a transgender person, they will usually try to re-define themselves. They’ll change their name, they’ll dress differently. If they can afford it they’ll take medicines or have surgeries to help make what’s on the outside match what’s on the inside.

Wesley: That would be embarrassing. The be a boy born with a vagina!

Me: Well…that’s kind of the problem they face. They struggle with how to live when their body doesn’t match their heart. They have to talk to their families about it and if they decide to live the life that matches their heart…their families all have to change the way they look at them. So, it takes a really supportive family to help someone during those times. I hope if any of your friends or your family ever talk to you about wanting to change the way they live their lives, you’ll still love them the same. That would be such a hard thing to go through.

Nikki: Are they gay?

Me: Man, Nikki. You are asking questions that just don’t have easy answers. Basically, once someone re-defines themselves to match their heart, you no longer thing of them as the way they were born. So…if we had a friend Bob who decided he was actually born with a female heart and that he would be happier living as a female…we would start calling him by his new name…Betty. From that day on, SHE would always be BETTY. We would NEVER use the word “he” or “him” again because she would be BETTY who is a girl. Sometimes it takes awhile to get used to it, but we would because we love Betty, right? So…Betty could like girls (which would make her gay) or she could like boys (which would make her NOT gay) but it would have nothing to do with her body. Does that make sense?

Nikki: Kinda. So, if Betty liked boys, she would not be gay? Even though she has a penis?

Me: Exactly. That’s why Betty would probably take steps to take medicine and surgeries to make her body more female. Because it would make dating boys easier for her, because she would look like a girl everywhere. But until then, she would need to tell every boy she wanted to date about her body, which would be hard on her. Transgender Males and Females have a very tough time in everything when they’re “transitioning” which is when you kinda decide to live your life to match your HEART and not your BODY.

Nikki: Can they get married to whoever they want?

Me: That’s really tricky. It depends on how far along the transition process they are, and whether they identify as gay or not. I’m not sure how to explain that in an easy way. Let’s just say that they face a lot of struggles that relate to gay rights, even if they don’t identify as gay.

Nikki: Do people my age do that? Change how they live?

Me: I think there are some kids who feel like they were born in the wrong bodies at your age, but I think most parents and doctors encourage kids to wait until they go through puberty to really try to understand their bodies. Puberty is when your body starts acting like an adult body and produces a lot more hormones – which are the things that sometimes affect how you feel about your body and other people. Like, right now you probably don’t think about kissing boys every day, but when you go through puberty you probably will. Unless you’re gay, then you’ll think about kissing girls all the time. Puberty tends to kinda push you more solid into how your going to feel as an adult, so it’s sometimes easier to understand how you’re going to want to live and date – AFTER your body settles down with all of those new hormones. So, some kids might feel gay or transgender but doctors and parents will just help them and talk to them about that usually through puberty so they can get a better feel of their body. And sometimes people don’t really understand their body until they’re adults! Because if they’re raised to think being gay or transgender is wrong then they may be spending their lives trying to ignore those feelings. You all know that if you ever decide you’re gay or born in the wrong body, that you can talk to us about it and we won’t care. But if we thought gays or transgenders were sinners, you might try to ignore those feelings forever because you’d worry we’d hate you.

Nikki: I don’t think I’ll be gay. I like boys too much.

Wesley: I’m not gay because I have a girlfriend.

Me: And that’s great. And if it stays that way you all will have easier roads ahead. But if you change your mind? You just tell us and it won’t matter. And hopefully, by the time you’re old enough to get married, it won’t matter anywhere. You can get married to anyone you want anywhere you want.

Nikki: Yeah…can we get cinnamon bread?

And that’s how it ended in the Domino’s parking lot. No big deal.

"Don't talk to strangers, Mom," Fable says.

I have just said hello to someone. Good morning. You look amazing, love that dress...

Fable scoffs.

"Mo-um! Was that a stranger?"

"Yeah."

"You shouldn't talk to her."

"Why not?"

"Because you're not supposed to talk to strangers. They're dangerous."

It is time to have the talk, I think. The same talk I had with Archer when he came home from preschool with the same backwards logic lodged in his impressionable brain.

"Did that lady seem dangerous to you?"

"No."

"Strangers are just people we don't know yet," I tell her. "We're all strangers to each other."

"But you're not a stranger, Mama."

"Yes I am. So are you."

We go on to discuss the importance of trusting our instincts when it comes to people we meet, listening to our bodies, acknowledging a nervous tummy, saying NO when we feel uncomfortable, building armor out of the trust we must establish in ourselves.

I tell her that "stranger danger" sounds clever because it rhymes but it does more harm than good in the long run and "avoidance" is seldom the answer to anything in life.

I don't want her to never talk to strangers. I want her to acknowledge that there are people out there who do not have her best interests at heart. That there are people who exist in the world who for reasons we will never understand, want to hurt others. Maybe even her. But that doesn't mean we push everyone away. That doesn't mean we close shop and mute our mouths.

I understand where the "stranger danger" thing comes from, and recognize why it is taught to young children in school, that teachers mean well when they write it on their blackboards. Same way they did when they taught us about DARE: TO KEEP KIDS OFF DRUGS. Ha! More like, DARE: TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF FIFTH GRADERS WITH LIES.

After DARE I thought that

1. Marijuana was as bad for me as Heroin because it was a drug and all drugs were bad.
2. As soon as I entered high school I would be tied to a chair and forced drugs.
3. The only way to make it in this world was to learn to "say NO!" to everything. Especially drugs which were illegal and "here's how you snort a line and smoke a joint. Drugs make you feel good and then die. NOW GO SAY NO!"


"If you have a bad feeling, trust it. No matter what. But please do not associate strangers with danger. Do not be afraid to connect. To compliment. To say no. To say yes. To say something."

Years ago there was an old man who used to sit on a bench at the park where Archer played. He made the moms at the park feel uncomfortable.

Because he was a man.

And he was watching their children play.

So finally I went and talked to him. He had grandchildren and great grandchildren but they all lived far away so he didn't get a chance to see them much.

So here he was.

And had he been an old lady, nobody would have batted an eyelash.

But he wasn't. So eventually he was told to leave.

"You're making me feel uncomfortable" one of the mothers told him.

Because he was a man who liked to watch children play.

Because every man is Humbert and every child is Lolita and YOU ENJOY WATCHING CHILDREN PLAY? YOU MUST BE SICK.

My dad likes to watch children play at the park.

So does my mom.

So does Hal.

So do I.

"Why did you ask him to leave? He wasn't doing anything wrong."

"He might be a sexual predator," one of the moms insisted. "You never know."


Quite possibly the most life-changing exchange of words I ever had happened in a Taxi cab at Kennedy Airport in 2000. The driver and I spent thirty minutes in a car together and after discussing what we had done with our lives thus far. (He had left his medical practice in India where he was a surgeon because he wanted a better life for his children and driving a cab was a great way to help people.)

"I get to move people forward for a living," he told me with a smile.  "Just like I used to...."

He went on to say a hundred thousand profound things about what it meant to be a human on this earth... and changed the way I sat in cabs ever after. It changed the way I lived my life, went about my days, moved myself forward, and somewhere, on an old computer lives a "book" of essays I wrote based on the various interactions I had with strangers while traveling alone those early years of adulthood. It's title was "You Start Life Now" which were not my words, but the cabbie's.

"You start life now. Keep moving..."

In Anne Patchet's "What Now" she writes:

One of the first lessons of childhood is to be wary of strangers, and while this is good counsel to guard against the world's very small nefarious element, it also teaches us to block out the large majority of those who just have something on their mind they'd like to say. We are taught to be suspicious, especially of anyone who might not look like us or share our beliefs. By the time we reach adulthood, many have perfected the art of isolation, of being careful, of not listening in the name of safety...

...Once you decide that strangers are more than just dangerous accidents waiting to happen you will find yourself able to listen. How much sadness could be averted by taking the time to notice all the people we have come to ignore? Would we in fact be safer and not more at risk if we asked someone to voice his feelings rather than wait until he looked for other means of making himself heard? The world may be telling you to go forward, to climb and to strive and to move briskly ahead, but while you're doing all that, be sure to keep your ears open. Divest yourself of prejudice whenever possible. The Hare Krishna may just be the one who sees you to your gate.

If we cannot talk to strangers, how are we to ask for directions when we're lost? How are we to build relationships with people whose stories differ from our own? Expect our children to grow into adults when we teach them to steer clear of them? That strange men are dangerous. That men who like children are dangerous. Because "liking children" has become something very loaded when said aloud. When said in quiet. When written online.

And yet...

Recently, while on a walk in our neighborhood, a disheveled man approached Archer. Archer was on his scooter a block ahead of me as I pushed a stroller and held Fable's hand across the street.

Archer looked back as the man talked to him. I read his lips as he said, "No I don't. My mom's right over there."

Then he pointed.

It was one of the only times in my life I felt panicked. Everything moved in slow motion. Like in a nightmare when you can't run even though you want to and your mouth won't scream.

Until finally it does.

"ARCHER. COME BACK. EXCUSE ME, SIR."

The man turned and then ran off, through traffic, across the street as Archer scooter'd over to us to explain what had happened.

"He asked me to go for a walk with him," Archer said.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, that was scary, though."

And it was. It was really fucking scary.

But I was there. And Archer knew it.  Not RIGHT there, mind you, but close enough. And maybe there's something to that. Being close enough so that if something does happen, I'm there, behind him... slightly removed... a block away. So that he can listen to his own gut before turning toward mine. So that he ALWAYS will.

Even when I'm not there.

Because someday I won't be. Soon enough he will find himself in unsavory situations with unsavory people and he will need to know how to flex his intuition, trust his gut, know that it's okay not to get into the car with the drunk driver or the "stranger" or the "friend".

He will need to know how to listen to himself.

Words are power. Giving our kids the tools to look inside themselves for the answers is power. But telling a child "not to talk to strangers" contradicts the very point it aims to support. Silence is not an empowering solution. LISTENING is. To inner voices and feelings, instincts and intuition, all of which must be valued and nurtured, honored and discussed.

"Don't talk to strangers." < "Always listen to yourself."

I hate the word Atheist SO MUCH. And the lovely Oprah Winfrey – who I like on many levels – demonstrated why I hate it in her interview with Diane Nyad and her apparent inability to believe and atheist feel awe and wonder.

It’s very hard for people to reconcile atheism and spirituality. At least that’s been my experience. It’s very common for Christians – especially fundamentalist Christians – to view atheists as cold pragmatists who see no wonder in the world. There may be other religions who think the same way about atheists, but my community is predominantly fundamentalist Christians so that’s the perspective I’ll address here.

They seem to assume we’re all lab-coat wearing scientist who think nothing is miraculous. I see it in prayers and photos and remarks posted on Facebook every day. It’s a common sentiment that the beauty of a sunset can not be appreciated if you don’t believe in a God behind it. I often see comments that people who don’t believe in God can not truly be in awe of the miracle of their own children. I see memes about how a Christian feels sorry for someone who doesn’t believe in God because they can not be amazed at the stars in the sky.

So, you know, I wanted to set the record straight.

It’s hard to define what I am. I’m most definitely a humanist and I’m most definitely an atheist. However, I am NOT a GNOSTIC ATHEIST. A gnostic atheist would claim to know for sure that no deity exists. And I would not claim that. I often think Christians assume all atheists are gnostic, but you’d be surprised to find out that many of us fall more into the category of AGNOSTIC atheists. I don’t believe in a deity of any sort, but I’m not going to pretend I am capable of understanding everything in the universe, so I would never claim to be certain of the lack of one.

NOW! Humanist! Agnostic Atheist! That’s me.

But let me tell you – there may not be a religious person in the world who is MORE in awe with nature than I am. I photograph every sunrise or sunset I see with even the slightest shade of pink. Fog in the valley when I’m up on the mountain sends shivers down my spine. I drink coffee some mornings with the stars just for the hope to see one shooting across the sky. I am very capable of wonder and awe and very much able to be inspired by the beauty and miracle of nature.

But I subscribe those miracles to the simple amazement of this planet and how it works. I think my children are miracles like I think all humans are miracles. Miracles of science and evolution. But no less miraculous than if I believe they were from God.

The stars make me sad because I’m overwhelmed by the vastness of what I don’t know or understand. I look into the sky and I’m burdened by how much is out there that I can not explain. But that doesn’t mean I have to believe in God, and that doesn’t mean that my lack of a belief in God means I’m less inspired by it all than you are.

I see an ant carrying a bread crumb twice the size of it’s body and I marvel at the evolution that allowed him to develop the body to do that. I watch a butterfly escapee predation by scaring those who would eat him with his beauty and I bow down to the science behind those characteristics. I find the pragmatic explanations to the universe just as awe-inspiring as a religious person would find their own biblical explanations.

Spirituality is not only felt through religion or a belief in deities. If you believe I am less capable of spirituality because I don’t have a God to have faith in, then you simply do not understand my beliefs. And that’s okay! But just know that people like me are just as amazed by the twinkle of the stars and the laughter of their children as you are. Don’t feel sorry for us. You don’t have to understand us, that’s what makes the world beautiful – our differences – but don’t assume that we’re cold-hearted and unable to cry at a sunset.

Of course, all of this is coming from the girl who always cries at the OnStar radio spots, so maybe I’m just a weirdo.

shortformblog:

The New Yorker wins.

When I had the opportunity to give away Blurb books to anyone who wanted one, a lot of people left me comments about how frustrating it was make the stars align and make the darn book already. I hear you, I futzed with Bookify A LOT before having it finally make sense. And when I say ‘make sense’ I mean ‘make a book the way I make books both quickly and easily.’

Here’s what I do, every two to three months I make a little hardcover collection of my Instagram photos, I include all of them and lay them out in chronological order.

If you’re interested in doing such a thing (or a book of select photos from Instagram) HERE YOU GO. Follow step by step and you shouldn’t scream at your computer more than once (maybe twice.)

Start at the beginning, which is Blurb.com, from the main page go to ‘Make Your Book’ down to ‘Use Blurb Bookify™ Online.’ (If you already know your book is going to be over 200 pages you’ll have to use BookSmart™ and that’s an entirely different post.)

From the next page choose ‘Get Started.’

At this point you’ll see options for different layouts. Instagram, Facebook and Designer. The rest of this post will walk you through how to ‘Or do it your way in any size’ which can lessen a lot of the frustration if you’re super picky about how your book turns out.

All of my Instagram books are the 7×7 size, the pictures end up being about 5×5 and they are perfect.

Unless you want to add text to every photo, choose the clean and simple layout. It’s easier to add in a few text pages here and there if you want them then to start with text on every other page. I’ve never tried the bold black background. If black is your thing? Go for it.

Next it will ask you where you want to pull your pictures from, I always pull mine directly from Instagram by signing in from this screen:

This is an important step. DO NOT JUST CLICK ON THE FOLDER LABELED INSTAGRAM PHOTOS. As you can see I have 936 photos in my folder and if I tried to add them all to my book I would be lectured about using BookSmart™ for books over 200 pages. Instead, click ‘Open.’

Since I make my books on the last day of the month every two or three months I don’t really have to hunt and peck around for particular photos. I just start with the last photo from the month and go back to the first photo after the last photo I ended on in my last book. Shift+Click between photos to select a large group, then you can Command+Click to add or remove a few random shots you either do or don’t want to use. Selected photos will be highlighted in orange.

Once you’ve selected your photos choose ‘I’ll drag and drop my own photos.’ It will take a little longer but you’ll know they’re going in the order you want. For some reason ‘Place my photos for me’ has never quite worked out despite multiple attempts.

Keep the photos in ‘My Sorting’ if you want them in chronological order of newest to oldest.

Scroll to the far left end of the lightbox along to bottom to find your oldest photo, drag and drop it to the first page, working backwards through the lightbox stream as you add pages to your book. Once you fill the default 20 pages just keep adding more pages with the little ‘add page’ icon at the upper right corner of the book layout until you’ve added all of your photos. (My books are all between 140 and 180 pages.) In this layout option you’ll also have the option to create a title page. I usually include the dates, locations included in the book, as well as any special people who may appear as well.

The photos you drag into the layout will be full bleed, which can be a bit much for an Instagram photo as far as clarity when printed. You’ll have three basic size options for your photos if you choose not to go full bleed and these are smaller, bigger and biggest. I prefer the bigger (not biggest) size myself. The smaller is almost too small and the biggest is just a little too big. You can change the size of each photo as you upload it or go back through and change them all once you have all your photos in order (again, takes a longer time than using a template, but if you want consistent and specific sizing, it’s the only way I’ve found to do it.)

Now that your photos are all in place and sized right, it’s time to design your cover. I prefer the ImageWrap hardcover. I have two little kids looking at these things daily, a dust jacket is out of the question. Plus they just look nicer on my shelf with hardcovers. You can make your cover however you want. Just a title, just one photo or a collage like I do. I add the date and book number to each cover as well (I mean, *NOW* I do. Now that I have this whole process down to a science.)

You can also edit the spine of your book (if you chose hardcover) as well as the back. One of the things I liked least about the automatic Instagram layout was there was no option for adding a back cover image. MOAR PIKCHURS I SAY! I’ve noticed I’ll get a warning that my image is too low resolution to do a full bleed on the back, but I need to just ignore it because when I size them down I get funny, sometimes crooked, and inconsistent edges. Again, the back can have an image, all text, or an image and text (or blank, which boring.) You can also choose from a number of background colors for your cover, the ones I’ve used have all been the default options, I haven’t ventured into custom cover colors yet.

Once your cover, spine and back cover are designed click to preview your book. You’re so close to being done! Once you’ve previewed your book, choose the style of cover you want and get ready to order it!

From the time you complete your book you’ll have two weeks to order a copy or Blurb will delete it.  On the order screen you will have options to upgrade the endsheets (3), the paper (2), make a PDF version (5), order multiple copies (4) as well as different cover options (1). You’ll also have the option at the top to convert your book to an ebook for your iPad for $9.99, I’ve only done this once for a wedding album and it was a nice touch for my clients.) When you’re set, hit order (6.)

Now, about pricing. Upgrading the cover, paper and end sheets will all add up. (The paper is the biggest expense.) If I were to get the softcover and basic paper on 180 page book I would pay $36.99. However I choose to upgrade as these books are investments for me and there always seems to be a discount code available each month. The same 180 page book with premium paper and ImageWrap hardcover was $69.11 (before a 20% discount).

Endsheets? Total personal preference, I’ve ordered them all and don’t have a problem with the standard mid-grey end sheet.

Paper? The thickest and sturdiest (also the most expensive) is the ProLine Pearl Photo Paper. It’s nice, but it’s almost too thick for a book this size. Next in thickness is the ProLine Luster Paper, while the ProLine Matte and Uncoated are about equal. The biggest issue with the uncoated is if a sticky finger gets on it the smudge will stay there forever. Not the best paper for books that will be handled a lot by kids, but by far my favorite to look at and touch. The second best print quality is on the ProLine Lustre paper, but the image size (either small, big, biggest or full bleed) has more to do with image quality than the paper.

So there you have it.

Hope this helps at least one person.

I’ve loved making and having these books, the thought of going back through all 1,200+ of my Instagram photos now to do this? Overwhelming (but I’d still do it.) Keeping up on it every other month makes sure no moments are forgotten in some digital file somewhere.

Go forth! Make tiny books for you to enjoy!

Get 15% off your next book with the code BOOKSFORSUMMER or use the following link: (Code good through June 30th, 2013.)

(Also, this is not sponsored. If nothing else it will help me with making my own books going forward. All opinions are my own, links are affiliate, books paid for with my own money.)

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