Cowboy Who?

This weekend, Donald Trump pulled off something that’s happened exactly once before in US history: federalizing a state’s National Guard over the state governor’s objections without invoking the Insurrection Act. And he did it to deal with what the LAPD itself described as peaceful protests that were “under control.”

The constitutional implications here are important. Trump bypassed California Governor Gavin Newsom entirely, ordering Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth to directly command 2,000—then another 2,000—California National Guard members under 10 USC 12406, a statute that explicitly requires such orders to go “through the governors of the States.”

This isn’t just another Trump tantrum. It’s a fundamental violation of the constitutional balance between federal and state authority that the Founders specifically designed to prevent military rule. In the last few months we’ve seen so many attacks on the basic constitutional underpinnings of America that it’s easy to brush this off as just another one. But this attack on the American way is the most serious one yet.

It’s fundamentally removing some of the most basic freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution, and making the US into a full-on authoritarian police state.

On Monday, Gavin Newsom officially sued Donald Trump and the US government over the National Guard deployment, likely the first of multiple attempts to fight this egregiously unnecessary authoritarian attack on the people of California:

The Governor of the State of California and the State of California bring this action to protect the State against the illegal actions of the President, Secretary of Defense, and Department of Defense to deploy members of the California National Guard, without lawful authority, and in violation of the Constitution.

One of the cornerstones of our Nation and our democracy is that our people are governed by civil, not military, rule. The Founders enshrined these principles in our Constitution— that a government should be accountable to its people, guided by the rule of law, and one of civil authority, not military rule.

President Trump has repeatedly invoked emergency powers to exceed the bounds of lawful executive authority. On Saturday, June 7, he used a protest that local authorities had under control to make another unprecedented power grab, this time at the cost of the sovereignty of the State of California and in disregard of the authority and role of the Governor as commander-in-chief of the State’s National Guard.

The lawsuit gets to the heart of what makes this so dangerous: Trump manufacturing a crisis to justify expanding executive power. The protests in Los Angeles were, by all accounts—including from the LAPD—under control. The few incidents that did occur (some Waymo cars getting tagged and burned, apparently in response to ICE agents arriving in Waymos) hardly constitute the kind of emergency that would justify federal military intervention.

The complaint also details how the mechanism Trump used for this, 10 USC 12406, is entirely inappropriate for this situation:

The vehicle the President has sought to invoke for this unprecedented usurpation of state authority and resources is a statute, 10 U.S.C. § 12406, that has been invoked on its own only once before and for highly unusual circumstances not presented here. Invoking this statute, the President issued a Memorandum on June 7, 2025 (Trump Memo), “call[ing] into Federal service members and units of the National Guard.” Secretary of Defense Hegseth, in turn, issued a Memorandum (DOD Order) that same day to the Adjutant General of California, ordering 2,000 California National Guard members into federal service. And on June 9, 2025, Secretary Hegseth issued another Memorandum (June 9 DOD Order) ordering an additional 2,000 California National Guard members into federal service.

These orders were issued despite the text of section 12406, which, among other things, requires that when the President calls members of a State National Guard into federal service pursuant to that statute, those orders “shall be issued through the governors of the States.” 10 U.S.C. § 12406. Instead, Secretary Hegseth unlawfully bypassed the Governor of California, issuing an order that by statute must go through him.

This isn’t some arcane procedural rule Trump’s team missed. The requirement that federal activation orders go through governors exists precisely to prevent exactly this kind of federal overreach:

The Constitution reserves to the States power over their respective state militias— now the National Guard— unless the State requests or consents to federal control. Only under the most exigent of circumstances can the President, over the objections of a State, call the National Guard into federal service. The balance the Framers struck between the State’s power to control its own militia and the very narrow circumstances in which the federal government may take command and control of the militia serves as a vital check against federal overreach. Section 12406 does not provide the authority Defendants have claimed and cannot be the vehicle for their actions.

The Constitution grants the States—not the federal Executive—the authority to conduct ordinary law enforcement activities and to determine how their own state laws should be enforced.

Reflecting the Founders’ distrust of military rule, the U.S. Constitution and the laws of our Nation strictly limit the domestic use of the military, including the federalized National Guard. The Posse Comitatus Act codifies these strict rules, prohibiting the military from engaging in civil law enforcement unless explicitly authorized by law. The authority to use the military domestically for civil law enforcement is reserved for dire, narrow circumstances, none of which is present here. Defendants have overstepped the bounds of law and are intent on going as far as they can to use the military in unprecedented, unlawful ways

What we’re seeing here is the classic authoritarian escalation pattern: manufacture a crisis, claim existing authorities are insufficient, then grab unprecedented power to “solve” the manufactured problem. Stephen Miller, who’s been openly fantasizing about using military force against domestic protests, has found his test case—and the fact that it’s so obviously a manufactured crisis shows just how desperate they are to normalize military intervention in civilian law enforcement.

Multiple videos show people dancing in the streets, rather than anything resembling a “riot.” This is what Trump claims requires 4,000 National Guard troops:

This is the spirit of Los Angeles.This is California.Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.#FreeDavidEndRaids

— California Fast Food Workers Union (@cafastfoodunion.bsky.social) 2025-06-09T20:43:06.586Z

Or this:

The are line dancing in the middle of the protest while shouting Fuck ICE

— Tina-Desiree Berg (@tinadesireeberg.com) 2025-06-08T23:26:34.129Z

This isn’t a riot. It’s certainly not an insurrection. It’s a protest in the grand tradition of American protests: calling out authoritarian abuse of power and showing solidarity those victimized by it. It’s American as apple pie.

The whole goal here is normalizing military intervention in civilian law enforcement while establishing precedent for bypassing state authority entirely. If Trump can federalize California’s National Guard over peaceful protests that local authorities had under control, what else will he demand the military do for him?

The most damning part of all this? For years, we’ve heard MAGA world shriek about hypothetical martial law and federal tyranny. Now, faced with actual federal seizure of state military assets over manufactured emergencies, they’re cheering it on. Turns out their “principled” opposition to government overreach only applied when it wasn’t their guy doing the overreaching.

And yes, MAGA Trump fans will still try to justify this, posting pictures of a couple of Waymos on fire, screaming about how LA is violent (it’s not) and needs “order” restored (again, even the cops say that’s nonsense). They all know that’s bullshit. Yes, your dumb uncle with a brain pickled by Fox News propaganda may believe some of it, but everyone who matters knows that this is all for show.

California’s lawsuit represents more than just pushback against Trump’s latest power grab. It’s a test of whether our constitutional system still has any teeth left when it comes to checking such extreme executive overreach. If Trump can get away with this—federalizing state National Guard units over the objections of governors for non-emergencies—then the balance of power between federal and state authority that’s existed since the founding is effectively dead.

As is the entirety of the American experiment.

That should terrify anyone who gives a damn about constitutional government and the concept of the United States of America, regardless of what they think about ICE or immigration protests.

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose vegan coworker, Liz, was upset about getting non-vegan gifts three years in a row? Here’s the update.

Sorry I missed the post the day it went up; I was busy that day and then frankly overwhelmed by the number of comments! But thank you for your reply. You were perfectly right, I wasn’t a party to any of it myself so I couldn’t really get involved without causing drama or taking sides, so I didn’t, except to hum supportive noises whenever Marie was fretting about the situation to everyone in the office.

She really was very upset that Liz would think she was intentionally getting her non-vegan gifts. In sort of half-heartedly listening to her fret one day, I realized, and another coworker did at the same time, so she was the one to point it out, but Marie was clearly hearing “vegetarian” when anyone said “vegan.” She thought as long as no meat products to be consumed were involved, she was fine. My coworker actually looked up the definition of vegan and read it to Marie and she was like =O

You asked about Marie and Liz’s relationship outside of the gift debacles, and to be honest it’s complicated by the fact that Marie’s husband is a local councilman who is kind of controversial. There was some gossip a while back that Liz was in his public Facebook comments calling him out for some of his positions. Marie never talks about his job or his views; quite the opposite, she has said she has no interest in any kind of politics and she has banned her husband from political talk at home. Regardless I could see Liz maybe thinking she actually is aligned with him privately and being wary of her.

After her enlightenment, Marie bought Liz a Body Shop gift card and apologized once again for her mixups. Marie sees herself as a bit of an office “mom” so she always goes a bit over-the-top in terms of the gifts, both in price and in trying to personalize them. She very much didn’t want to get a gift card because it was “generic” but in the end she thought it was safest. Liz still isn’t the warmest toward her, but they appear to be back on solid footing. We’ll try to vet Marie’s next Christmas gift ahead of time.

The post update: my vegan coworker is upset about getting non-vegan gifts three years in a row appeared first on Ask a Manager.

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was considering applying for a job where their abusive ex’s new partner worked (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

I wrote about a job I was being considered for with an employer my ex’s partner works for. I am really grateful for your response and for the community stating in no uncertain terms to not take the job.

At some level, I knew the employer the partner is with was just out of the picture, but it’s hard to accept because this subfield is a bit niche and that employer is one of the largest in the area. I wrote in because I think I knew the answer but needed to hear it. Friends of mine gave advice more along the lines of, “Well, it could be hard, think about it carefully.” Then they saw the AAM advice and 1) agreed, and 2) were amused by how blunt AAM was in comparison. I vowed not to take the position.

Then, there was grief. As I shared in the comments, I wanted to do the interview to get the practice and get a sense of this employer’s work. This may have been a mistake. I think I did really well at the interview and had great conversations with the team. The team there had a fairly clear sense of purpose and were valued by the institution. Which made me realize why I’d applied in the first place: my current organization does not really value my niche field (or me), has ever changing senses of purpose, and heck, I am not even sure what the name of the department I work for is. (I have heard at least three different names. My supervisor doesn’t know either.)

The result of all this – my dysfunctional employer plus not taking a job at the large org that employs my ex’s partner – is that I am not sure I have a future in my field.

I have started looking for positions in my field outside my city, but doing so breaks my heart – I put down roots here! I love it here! My partner loves it here! So then I look for jobs in the area but outside my field and that breaks my heart – I’ve been part of professional organizations and have written about the field and some of the things I’ve done in the field have earned accolades. Going into the interview, I knew I would be sad about the loss that comes when one’s abuser limits one’s life chances. I did not anticipate the compounded loss of my career.

I am working on this with my therapist. I am thinking now, if I do leave the field that I will host a funeral for my previous career – something a little silly and a little meaningful to give myself closure. In the meantime, I am trying that whole work-life balance thing and am fostering hobbies and relationships that are distant from the work I do.

I wish I had a joyful professional update, like a miracle job opened up in one of the tiny employers around here or I was offered a job outside my field and it turns out my skillset lent itself well to it and I got a 20% raise or whatever. But I don’t! I am still at my original organization and it still sucks and is beyond my ability to change. I am thinking of quitting with no safety net. To be determined.

But the update I do have is an enthusiastic thank-you to you and the community. I took a long time to compose a message to the search committee and it sat in my drafts folder. To gather the courage to send it, I reread your advice and commenters’ responses. You all reminded me why I needed to withdraw from the job search. Without AAM, I might have bent and taken a job that put my and my family’s safety in jeopardy. Or not! Who knows – but I am not a person who lives dangerously and I very much needed the level heads that had my back in this community to make the difficult but right decision. So, thank you. Wishing you all personal and professional fulfillment.

The post update: applying for a job where my abusive ex’s new partner works appeared first on Ask a Manager.

U.S. Rep. Wesley Hunt expressed concerns in a letter to Houston-area officials that protests planned for this weekend could lead to “mass destruction.” Mayor John Whitmire called the letter “not relevant.”

#Rowen #RoninWarriors

If Hidalgo decides to seek another term, she and Parker would face off in the March 2026 Democratic primary.

Their filing says the lawsuit that struck down in-state tuition for undocumented students was “contrived” to keep their voices out.

In brief: The Atlantic remains quiet, so today we look at recent pre-July activity and assess the odds of a weak disturbance forming next week in the southwest Gulf.

Quick note: Colorado State updated their seasonal hurricane outlook with no changes in expectations today. You can see the full update here.

Would anyone care to hazard a guess as to the last time we got to the end of June with no tropical storms having formed in the Atlantic? Anyone? No? Okay.

2014.

Suffice to say, the May-June storm story has been one of busy-ness the last several years, indeed the last decade. At least in terms of named storms happening.

Other than Beryl last year, most Atlantic systems this time of year are weaker. Beryl was an exceptional case that tapped into a favorable atmosphere and rocket fuel waters. In general, most of these early season outcomes are sloppier, more rain and flooding than wind and surge, and mostly infrequent. Some of the cases in recent years were borderline storms at best. Some may have been missed in the pre-satellite era. So, despite the increases in activity in recent years, it may just be that we’re seeing more of the real risk than we had previously presumed.

Whatever the case, we’ve got about 19 days left in the month. We have weather model data that covers about 14 to 15 of those, and no reliable modeling is showing any serious threat at this time. Maybe this will be the year that breaks the 11-year streak.

One area to watch next week, I guess

There is one very, very low probability candidate for development, and that remains next week in the western half of the Bay of Campeche. The window for anything to develop looks narrow; the proximity to land is a problem. But we do see at least some hints of a disturbance there.

The Pacific remains busy with another storm or two possible there over the next week. Around midweek next week, there have been fairly consistent hints in model guidance that a disturbance would sort of pinwheel out of the southwest Caribbean into the southwest Gulf of Mexico or Bay of Campeche and come ashore in Mexico around next Wednesday or Thursday. Realistically, this is almost certainly going to run out of time over water before it has a chance to develop, but the odds are slightly greater than zero.

It does appear that high pressure building west across the Gulf (seen in the expanding reddish colors above) will push this disturbance quickly inland in Mexico and probably keep the moisture out of Texas as well.

In summary: There’s almost certainly nothing to worry about here.

And aside from that, the Atlantic is quieter than the bats of the Colorado Rockies.

An aid boat carrying environmental campaigner Greta Thunberg and other activists was intercepted by Israeli forces, with Israel’s defense minister having vowed to prevent the ship from reaching the Gaza Strip. What do you think?

The post Israel Intercepts Gaza Aid Boat With Greta Thunberg Aboard appeared first on The Onion.

NB.1.8.1 has mutations that could increase the virus’s transmissibility and decrease the efficacy of certain neutralizing antibodies against it.

It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose new hire took the DOGE “fork in the road” offer and so they might not be able to hire a replacement (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

The employee left on schedule as planned. I never did end up asking him why he didn’t let us know he was taking the deferred resignation option during the hiring process. I didn’t have enough time to really get to know him, given he only worked for us for two weeks (and I was on medical leave for half of that), but I wish him the best.

Around the time he left, a department-level hiring freeze was instituted and, as promised, his billet was “swept,” meaning that, even when the hiring freeze eventually lifts, we will no longer be able to hire for that position. This was a rule implemented by DOGE and outside the hands of anyone in the agency.

My junior-heavy team continued to work very long hours for quite some time after that. As I mentioned in the comments, this counted as “crisis work” which everyone in my field expects to work at some time or other. These hours were all accounted for as comp time or overtime, as is standard. My leadership has been very quick to give out cash and time-off awards for everyone working this mission. I’m very proud of my team, which has managed to rise to the occasion extremely well; my juniors are getting a trial by fire, but they’re learning so much that will directly translate into promotability down the line, and they’re becoming more confident and skilled. Morale is higher than you’d expect, as we all band together to get done what we need to get done. The pace of the work has also finally started to slow down into a much more manageable rhythm, where I very much hope it will stay.

One thing I noticed in the comments was a general conflation of anything federal government with “my employer.” Some of the commenters took the position that the “fork in the road” employee should have no issue burning bridges because “my employer” was treating employees so badly—threatening to fire probationary employees, making my team work crisis hours and not letting us hire, etc. If you don’t have experience working for the U.S. government, you may have no idea of the inutterably vast scale and scope of it. I work for, let’s say, the Underwater Basketweaving Agency (UBA), which falls under the Department of Stuff. “Departments” in the U.S. government can be anywhere from a few thousand employees to 3.2 million … let’s say the Department of Stuff falls on the larger end of those. Then you have DOGE, which is an entirely separate thing that came in with a wrecking ball to ALL departments and agencies. My employer is the UBA, which has treated all of its employees with care and respect through this entire process. UBA has to implement rules issued by the Secretary of Stuff, and it also has to implement lawful orders from DOGE. The hiring freeze, and the policy priorities that necessitated my team working crisis hours, come from the Secretary of Stuff, and hit a much larger range of agencies than just my own. The UBA, my actual employer, can’t give us extra people because of the hiring freeze, which has shut down even internal moves. And what we absolutely cannot do is tell the Secretary to, well, stuff it. (YES, the Secretary is one of those clowns in the news, and YES I would like to … but being an apolitical career bureaucrat is, alas, my calling.) I’d very much like to tell that to DOGE, too—and so would everyone, trust me—but on the plus side, they seem to have left us alone except for demanding personnel cuts, so we’re cautiously optimistic … for now.

The post update: new hire took the “fork in the road” and now we might not be able to hire a replacement appeared first on Ask a Manager.

Students on summer vacation can continue to receive breakfast and lunch, at no cost to them or their families, at campuses throughout greater Houston.

A series of demonstrations, in opposition to President Donald Trump and his policies, are planned for Saturday in Houston and several surrounding cities.

Some time ago, I told the story of the time the development manager for Windows 95 bought one copy of every PC program in the Egghead Software store.

I learned that in addition to stunning the store manager, this creative operation almost didn’t work: The store’s cash register crashed whenever the total exceeded $10,000. Because like, c’mon, who would buy $10,000 of stuff by just walking into a store? If you’re going to buy that much stuff, you would use a purchase order, right?

The order had to be broken up into chunks so that each chunk totaled less than $10,000.

Related reading:

• What were the tax consequences of letting Windows 95 team members keep a piece of software as long as they tested it?
• Windows 95 crashes a cash register.

The post Application compatibility for Windows 95 crashed a cash register appeared first on The Old New Thing.

The US health secretary, a vaccine sceptic who has been criticised by health experts, said the panel was 'plagued' with conflicts of interest.

Lawmakers have approved funding clinical trials for ibogaine as a treatment for addiction and brain trauma. It comes as Texas contemplates banning THC.

The plan would shift voters from safely red districts into blue ones. Members of the state’s Republican delegation aren’t sold on the idea.

While current students try to understand what losing in-state tuition means for them, those who have already graduated are reflecting on the opportunities the law provided them.

In brief: Today and Thursday should bring the region our heaviest rains yet this month, with the potential for very high rainfall rates. We are concerned about the potential for street flooding, and have an ongoing Stage 1 flood alert for the entire region. We will monitor today for the need to escalate to Stage 2.

Overall pattern remains wet

The Houston region has experienced rounds of showers and thunderstorms on Monday and Tuesday of this week, but our confidence is increasing in the heaviest and most widespread rainfall arriving today and Thursday in the current pattern. It looks like the best chances for this will be during the morning hours on both days, so let’s dive in deeper to the forecast.

Wednesday and Thursday

Both of these days look to have a similar setup, and at this point probably will play out similarly. In the pre-dawn hours we will see a mass of storms develop to the west of the Houston metro area, and then this system will move through the city during the morning and early afternoon hours. In addition to the potential for heavy rainfall, especially on Wednesday there is the additional threat of damaging winds in Harris County and surrounding counties within stronger thunderstorms.

This morning, looking at the radar, we can see a large cluster of storms to the southwest of Houston, near Matagorda Bay. High-resolution modeling indicates that this mass of storms will move to the northeast, pushing through the Houston region from 9 am to 3 pm. This is the period when we are most concerned about lightning, street flooding, and damaging winds. In terms of storms, our weather may turn more quiet later this afternoon and evening, but there will still be the possibility of some sporadic flare-ups.

Similarly, on Thursday, a mass of storms will likely congeal west of the Houston area after midnight and then move into the city during the morning hours. Whether this occur before dawn, or during the mid-morning hours, it is difficult to say right now. But the overall threat remains the same: heavy rainfall and flooded streets, with lesser odds of damaging winds and other severe weather.

In terms of rainfall totals, they’re going to vary widely. I believe most parts of Houston and surrounding areas will pick up 1 to 3 inches. However, in these kinds of storms in the past, at this time of year, we’ve seen very high rainfall rates. So it would not surprise me to see locations with 5+ inches of rain over the next two days. Matt and I will be watching closely for the need to escalate to Stage 2 on our flood scale. We’re not there yet, but we’re concerned about some of the high-end rainfall rates. We will, of course, update as needed.

Mostly cloudy skies and rain-cooled air should keep temperatures in check over the next two days. I would anticipate highs in the upper 80s to possibly 90 degrees, with lots of humidity. Outside of thunderstorms winds should be fairly light. Nights will be warm and muggy.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday

Each of these days will carry a healthy chance of rain showers, probably on the order of 50 percent or higher. But as of now we don’t see storms being quite as organized or intense—think pop-up storms rather than large systems moving through. As a result outdoor activities will probably be hit or miss. Days will see a mix of clouds and sunshine, and high temperatures will probably get into the lower 90s for the most part.

Next week

The pattern described above for this weekend should persist into Tuesday or Wednesday of next week: warm, muggy, with a solid chance of showers but probably nothing on the order of flooding. The second half of the weekend could go two ways: clearing skies and higher temperatures, or an ongoing wet pattern. I just don’t have enough confidence to predict one outcome or another.

A Galveston hurricane?

My daughters inform me that, on TikTok, “everyone” is talking about the possibility of a hurricane or tropical storm hitting Galveston next week. I won’t rule anything out during the Atlantic hurricane season, but suffice it to say in the world I live in, there is no model support for any such idea. So, probably not. I’m sure there is great weather forecasting on TikTok, but apparently the algorithm is feeding slop. Caveat emptor.

Security guards contacted deputies late Monday after spotting three 18-year-olds running across a parking lot near the intersection of Fannin and Holly Hall, according to the Harris County Precinct 1 Constable's Office.

Parker's announcement sets up a potential clash with incumbent Harris County Judge Lina Hidalgo in the Democratic primary in 2026.

Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
Fortunately it was one of those sexy romance novels, so they didn't need the man's head for the cover.

Today's News:

LOS ANGELES—Teasing several juicy details on the heels of their recent $1 billion purchase of the franchise, Amazon officials announced Friday that the next James Bond film would feature the famed spy facing off against the threat of collective bargaining. “We here at Amazon are so thrilled to bring James Bond back to the big screen, where he will attempt to defeat the menace of a unionized workplace,” said head of Amazon Studios Jennifer Salke, adding that the film, titled No Time To Sign, would follow James Bond, Moneypenny, Q, and MI-6’s in-house legal counsel as they seek to stop their enemy, an evil Teamster turned supervillain named Dr. Weingarten. “With a new contract looming, 007 must do everything in his power to prevent workers across the globe from unionizing, bargaining, and possibly even striking against their generous employers. With the help of the Pinkertons, a retired private equity investor, and a femme fatale corporate lawyer, Bond will cross the picket line, take out Dr. Weingarten, and save the world once and for all from the AFL-CIO.” Salke added that while the next actor to play James Bond had not yet been selected, they would refuse to cast anyone affiliated with the Screen Actors Guild. 

The post Amazon Teases Next James Bond Will Face Off Against Threat Of Collective Bargaining appeared first on The Onion.

The post Dissolving Fillers Leave Face Completely Concave appeared first on The Onion.

This 2-bedroom, 1.5-bath home is conveniently located on a bustling stretch of tarmac at LaGuardia Airport.

Reference #257977

The post Close To Transportation appeared first on The Onion.

Greg King, 43, passed away at Grace Hospice Care on Thursday morning after one of his patients decided she didn’t want to leave the world without experiencing what it felt like to kill.

The post Greg King appeared first on The Onion.

As our guest, please feel free to help yourself to anything. I didn’t run to the store before your arrival, because as you can see, my pantry is overflowing with foodstuffs.

Oh, crackers? An excellent appetizer choice. Those go really well with this jar of local strawberry jam I picked up at—well, that’s interesting. It’s all just been scraped right out of there with a spork, hasn’t it?

I know it was a spork because the top’s broken off inside the empty jar, which was placed right back on the shelf, as if its contents were still available for consumption.

The crackers are gone too? Perplexing. Yes, I see the box in your hand. The way it was torn open across the back, as if shredded by a feral raccoon, was hard to notice until you picked it up. From the shelf. Where it had been perched, delicately, like something that still contained crackers.

No matter. There’s plenty more to choose from. How about cereal? I just picked up this whole shelf of—

Wow, every single box?

Every. Single. Goddamn. Box?

Just sitting there in a row, empty? Like some kind of Stonehenge monument to the memory of a grocery list I fulfilled—let me think—yesterday?

That can’t be right. Why would someone—perhaps someone who responded “No, bruh” when asked if anything was needed at the store—consume every food in the house, but then leave its near-intact packaging behind?

It’s like some young spider you’d see in a nature documentary, sucking the inside out of a fly. Only afterward, that spider tucks the fly’s hollowed-out carcass somewhere nonsensical, where it can become some other spider’s problem.

Some other, older, tired spider, who just invited a friend over on a whim. Maybe because it was hoping for a few moments of conversation with another spider who doesn’t give a shit about Minecraft.

And maybe it thought, “Hey, we can be just a couple of middle-aged spiders for an hour on a Thursday evening, maybe talk about a book with no pictures that isn’t The Book with No Pictures, and share a few snacks.”

It doesn’t seem like that hangry spider—the one who pays for the snacks and the shelves and the pantry and the mortgage for the house they’re all shoved into—is expecting too much, does it?

It shouldn’t be a big ask for that spider to find the small gift box of clearance Valentine’s Godiva chocolates where she fucking left it, in the empty light-bulb carton, behind the old lunchmeat box full of spare batteries. Not devoured and tucked under a ripped-open bag of pickle-flavored jellybeans. Right?

Yes, they exist, and yes, they’re a joke, and hell yes, they’re revolting, but they also appear to be the only edible substance left in this house. So feel free to chow down.

Do you like socks? Our dog seems to find them tasty, so maybe you and I can gnaw on a couple of the sixty-seven grubby tubes I’ve found crumpled in here so far. You know what they say: Let food be thy medicine, and medicine be thy food. I’m sure these socks are probably 86 percent penicillin at this point. That must be why someone keeps discarding them in here, next to food, just like the proper place to put dirty shoes is on the dining room table.

No, of course I won’t make you—a friend I invited over, when making friends as an adult is impossible—snack on socks. Not even clean ones! As if there were such a thing in this house.

How do you feel about olives? I’m the only one who loves them, and I’ve got a jar stashed for nights that I’ve fed everyone dinner and don’t have a single surviving brain cell left to think about dinner for myself.

Which is to say, every night.

So, yeah, we’re out of olives too.

Okay. We can still pull this thing together. Let me do what I do the rest of the day when I’m starving and don’t have food: paw through my back-busting work tote for smooshed protein bars.

Success! I have a half-eaten Kind bar, a Slim Jim, and a room-temperature string cheese that I can’t remember ever putting in here.

You’re right. That’s the closest thing I’ve had to a charcuterie board in years. If I plate them on this forgotten promotional frisbee and add a few decorative Tic Tacs, it’s practically happy hour at Chez Panisse.

I’m so glad we did this. It’s really nice to sit down on the washer and dryer together, nibble on room-temperature dairy, and hide from my children with you. We should do this more often.

And yes, I did get dragged to the Minecraft movie. I know, I know. Jason Momoa. I saw. I’m confused too.

You’re right. I guess I do give a fuck or two, after all.

Why the belt? Is there a danger the dress would fall down?

Sunrise, FL – In a landmark win for referee science, the team of Wes McCauley and Francis Charron have come up with a new way to help the Panthers win: physically blocking Oilers players in order to cause a turnover that led to a game swinging goal. “For the past three years we’ve basically stuck […]

The post Inventive refs develop new way to help Panthers win beyond the favourable whistle appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has invited Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to this summer’s G7 summit in Kananaskis, Alberta, but warned the autocratic monarch that Air Canada will no longer allow him to stow his famous bone saw in the overhead bin. “We wish to respect the customs of all our […]

The post Carney invites Mohammed bin Salman to G7, warns Air Canada will make him check bone saw appeared first on The Beaverton.