Snob

For this week’s Miracle of Weird we’ll be covering not just a single species but rather an entire family of bizarre little critters called tenrecs, a group of mammals native to sub-Saharan Africa and Madagascar. Species within the family Tenrecidae are as diverse from one another as they are from the rest of the animal kingdom. Convergent evolution has caused tenrecs to develop adaptations more immediately associated with other animals such as otter-like webbed feet and long rat-like tails. Though many people mistake tenrecs for shrews and hedgehogs, these smalls mammalians are actually more closely related to elephants and sea cows.

Perhaps the most immediately noticeable feature of many tenrec species are the spines that cover their bodies. Some species use these spines much like a hedgehog would, by rolling themselves into a ball and rendering themselves altogether too prickly for a predator to retain interest. Other species use these spines as a more active defense mechanism. By thrusting their bodies upward at an attacker, some tenrecs will actually attempt to prick them with their spines. Add porcupine to that list of animals you could mistake them for.

More than just a killer hair style – the tenrec’s spikes can be used to spear hungry predators. (Inaki Relanzonlnaki Relanzon)

The Lowland striped tenrec has one of the most fascinating adaptations in the entire mammalian class. By rubbing their back spines together, members of the species are able to create a low pitched noise which is able to cut through the omnipresent din of Madagascar’s eastern jungles. The unique sound allows mothers to reunite with their young should they get separated. The process of rubbing two body parts together to make a sound is called stridulation, and the lowland striped tenrec is the only mammal ever observed performing it. Stridulation is more immediately associated with insects such as grasshoppers, some of whom can also make noise by playing the violin (see: Mr. Grasshopper, James and the Giant Peach, 1996)

The video below shows how a young striped tenrec getting wrapped up in a worm binging session and then using stridulation to reunite with its family.

Within the family of tenrecs, there is also a surprisingly wide range of litter sizes. While the giant otter shrew gives birth to only 2 offspring per litter, the tailless tenrec can bear as many as 36 babies at a given time. You can tell a female tailless tenrec from other species by the 36-seat strollers they’re often seen pushing through the jungles of Madagascar.

Source: BBC Nature

(Video Link)

Clapham Common is a park in London. You might expect to see small wild animals there, such as birds or squirrels. But a hedgehog? That's less likely. One that's as big as a truck? That's a rare find.

A group of artists spent 2 months building this realistic sculpture that measures 12 feet long and has 2,000 wooden stakes serving as the hedgehog's spines. They placed it in Clapham Common to attract attention to Sir David Attenborough's documentary series Natural Curiosities. An upcoming episode will focus on the hedgehog, an iconic symbol of British wildlife. A survey reveals that a quarter of Britons say that they've never seen one in the wild.

You can see photos of the hedgehog sculpture here.

-via Lustik

 
Cthulhu leggings from Ali Express

After endless weeks of snow, ice, and subzero temperatures, the clear, starry winter sky makes a girl’s thoughts turn to one thing: H.P. Lovecraft.

In the manner of...

The Final Member is a documentary chronicling one man’s quest to complete the largest collection of penises in the world. Sigurður "Siggi" Hjartarson, the founder and curator of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, had a specimen from every mammal in Iceland except one, the Homo sapien. In 2007, filmmakers Zach Math and Jonah Bekhor heard about Siggi’s missing link and decided to document his search.

Aside from Siggi, the central players in this story are Pall Arason, a rapidly aging Icelandic explorer who agreed to donate his penis to the museum upon his death, and Tom Mitchell, an American so eager to have his dick immortalized that he is willing to chop it off and mail it to Siggi in order to beat the Icelander to it. Talking to the filmmakers about his offer, Tom says, “I've always thought it would be really cool for my penis to be the world's first true penis celebrity."

Just as Bob Ballard was driven by his hunt for the Titanic, or Indiana Jones by his search for the Ark of the Covenant, Siggi’s primary goal in life is acquiring a human specimen for his museum. The Final Member is an epic tale that spans continents and involves obsession, death, struggle, and penises.

While VICE is not involved in the production of this film, we recently premiered its trailer on our YouTube channel, so I called up Matt and Jonah to find out more about the project.

[Due to scheduling conflicts, Matt and Jonah were interviewed at separate times. We have edited the conversations together here.]

VICE: How did you first hear about Siggi and his search for a human dick?
Zach Math: I was driving down the highway listening to [Canadian public radio program] As It Happens, and Carol Off was interviewing the creator of the only penis museum in the world, and I was completely taken aback. How does someone have this museum where he has a specimen from every mammalian species except for one? How come he’s missing a human? And then he spoke about the men who had stepped forward to try to help him fulfill the last missing piece of this puzzle, as it were. I was completely transfixed. A couple days later I was talking to Jonah and told him I wanted to go to Iceland to interview the curator of the only penis museum in the world.

What is the museum like? I know it officially opened in 1997, but Siggi had been collecting long before that, right?
Jonah Bekhor: Yeah. He has been collecting since around 1974. The thing is, it started off as a joke. He was the headmaster of a school, and during the off-season his teachers went to work at a whaling station, because, back in that era in Iceland, whaling was a part of the culture. One of them brought him back a whale penis as like a gag.

Zach: The museum is presented like a natural history museum, and I think the film mimics that tone. He treats everything very seriously on a surface level. There’s nothing lascivious about it, yet there is a man who is missing something. A part of what started as a joke has now sort of snowballed into being a key part of his legacy. And ultimately all the men in the film, what they are trying to do, relates back to their own legacy at a very broad or central level. That was an interesting theme. It becomes this film that is very shocking, very funny, but also a very moving story.

Why do you think Siggi became so obsessed with penises? If someone had given him a whale's eyeball, would he have become obsessed with eyeballs? Or do you think there is something about this specific organ that interests him?
Zach: He was already sort of an obsessive collector, so I think it appealed to that side of him, but I think he’s also a great educator, and great educators have a keen sense of where the society is at. And at the time when he came along he was very aware of the taboo around the organ and how that played out in our society—and how it still plays out. Why is something so central to human life such a taboo? It’s sort of ridiculous on a lot of levels. And then there was the other half, which is that he was already an obsessive collector. So it was a perfect storm that just started to snowball. He says, when you’re an obsessive collector, you can't stop. I don’t believe it's in the movie, but he goes on to say, “I’ll go on collecting. The base collection will be done, but there could be a Chinese penis, an African penis…” In his mind, there’s so much more to explore.

One day, this glass will house a human penis.

Do you think the idea of having a museum devoted to penises is more or less taboo in Iceland than it would be in the US?
Jonah: I think it’s much less taboo. It still feels like there are places in the United States where you could not do this. Could you do this in the Deep South? Could you do this in Alabama? I think there are places in the United States where the puritanical thought process is still prevalent. In those communities, it would not be as welcome as it is in Iceland.

Why do you think Siggi has had such a hard time finding a human specimen? Perfectly good penises are being buried in the ground every day.
Jonah: The thing about Siggi is, he is a really moral and wonderful man. He wanted things to be done the right way, so they needed to be donated. He was never going to do anything that was untoward. He did a lot of press internationally. He’s done radio interviews on an annual basis all over the world, and he always puts it out there, but he’s going to do it in a respectful way. He’s not the type of guy who would pummel people with his requests. So, that’s it—put it out there, mention it, but don’t push. There are ways to get penises that are not legal, but they would never be entertained [by Siggi].

On a moral level, what’s your take on Tom’s desire to chop off his own penis while he’s still alive?
Zach: That’s a great question. When you’re making a film with a guy who is doing something you don’t agree with, you have to have the utmost respect for your subject matter. We try to impart that in the film. We don’t impose any judgment on them, and I think that’s reflected in the tone of the movie, but it’s very tricky. We were very clear with Tom. We couldn’t have any part in his attempts to further his goals. We were very, very firm with him, and I think that from a moral stance—as a human being and a filmmaker—you have to be objective and at the same time be very clear with your subject as to what you will and will not do.

Do you think Pall and Tom are cut from a similar cloth in that there is a certain amount of swagger that a man has to have to want to donate his penis to a museum?
Jonah: I think they have such significant things in common with each other. They’re both iconoclasts, and I think they’re both pioneering in the way they’ve lived their lives. Both of them want some version of the same thing. Both of them are guys who are going toward a dream. It’s amazing how much they have in common—whether it was Pall pioneering with adventure tourism, going into the highlands of Iceland where no man had gone before, or it was Tom on this journey with Elmo [his penis’s nickname] and wanting Elmo to be the most famous penis in the world, and the lengths that he’s willing to go to do something so unique and exceptional. These guys really do have a lot in common.

Tom Mitchell stands next to a diagram of his penis, Elmo, which he wants to chop off.

Do you know if any other people have come forward and offered their penises to the museum, or is it just Tom and Pall?
Zach: Yes, there are other guys. There’s a German guy who's come forward, and he is a wonderful guy. He runs a tourism company but is also a big mountain climber and marathon runner. And then there’s a British guy who is also very interesting. He’s a documentarian, sort of a filmmaker in his own right. His college roommate was Icelandic—and I could be getting the story completely wrong here—but he always joked that his only wish was for [the British guy] to go to Iceland and donate his penis to the penis museum. Tragically, his roommate died in a car accident when they were in college. So, almost as a final way of grieving, he took this pilgrimage to the museum and said that he would donate his specimen when he died. Those two guys are really interesting, but the main guys are obviously the three who became the focal point of the film.

Did you know there is a museum in Russia that claims to have Rasputin’s penis in a jar?
Zach: Yeah! I do.

Tom left a comment on one of the photos I found of it online.
Zach: Yeah, I mean… once you start getting into it with Tom—he’s an exhibitionist. He’s a very sweet guy on a certain level. He’s hurt. The thing that really made him an extraordinary character in my mind is, toward the end, he says something like, “I’m so taken by women. It leaves me so vulnerable, and I’ve been hurt so many times, but I need them so much that I need to remove this organ.” For someone to say that is… there’s so much depth going on there that’s so counter to how we think of that organ.

I think that is one of the most fascinating points of the documentary. The fact that he feels the need to remove his penis so he won’t be taken advantage of anymore…
Zach: Yeah. It’s sort of remarkable. That’s when you really sort of see him as a three-dimensional human being and you can’t dismiss him as a guy who’s just a joke. That was the interview for me that was like, Whoa. My mind was blown.

When the film ends, Siggi is preparing to step down from the museum and hand it over to his son, Hjörtur. Does he have big plans for it?
Jonah: Yes. His son has relocated the museum to Reykjavík and is now in charge of it. That was sort of the coda of the whole thing.

Zach: I think it’s actually a really good thing. It was sort of hidden up there in this little community, this little whaling community up in Húsavík, 30 miles from the Arctic Circle, and so it kind of got [covered] on news blips here and there, but no one really fully explored it. Now that it is in Reykjavík I think more people will be exposed to it.

Do you think Hjörtur's role in the museum is going to be maintenance? Or does he have his own white whale of obscure penises that he wants to find?
Jonah: I don’t know. I don’t think he has the same passion for collecting as his father. I’m sure they are adding collections nonstop, but that museum is so much a part of Siggi, so much the man, that it’s never going to have that same character. When you walked in, he would take you all around and explain things with such knowledge and passion. It’s going to miss him. It’s still going to be great, but it’s not going to be the same.

@Jonathan_Smth

Photo by Peregrino Will Reign

Photo by cinziamaria.wordpress.com

Source: imgur.com

Source: foxnews.com

Photo by Natalie Haston

Source: hullumaja.com

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Back in the 90s, kids were given these pencils at schools and what not with the anti-drug slogan “Too Cool To Do Drugs.” Problem was, once they sharpened these puppies, the “anti-drug” message quickly changed to “Cool To Do Drugs,” “Do Drugs” and “Drugs.” Apparently, all of these problematic pencils were

¿Qué haces cuando se termina un lápiz? Lo más común es tirarlo a la basura, pero los lápices Sprout van más allá del reciclaje y son unos lápices que al plantarlos crecen en hierbas que después puedes utilizar en la cocina. Fueron nombrados el “Producto más amigable con el medio ambiente” del 2013.

Estos lápices daneses, están hechos con madera de cedro de alta calidad y cada uno contiene una cápsula con 4 semillas orgánicas para cada hierba. Cuando el lápiz es demasiado pequeño para seguir escribiendo con él, lo que tienes que hacer es plantarlo, con la punta hacia arriba, y regarlo. El agua degradará la cápsula y las semillas quedarán libres para empezar el proceso de germinación.

Todo el material utilizado para su fabricación es natural y no es tóxico. Por ejemplo el material para escribir es grafito y arcilla, nada de plomo. Eso sí, si eres de los que tienen la mala costumbre de morder la punta de los lápices, estos lápices no son una buena idea. La saliva puede desintegrar la cápsula y te quedarás sin semillas para plantar.

Puedes dejar la carcasa del lápiz clavada en la maceta, así te servirá como una etiqueta para identificar la planta . Debido a que la cápsula se activa con agua, los fabricantes te recomiendan que los almacenes en lugares fríos y secos.

Estos interesantes lápices se venden en un paquete con ocho lápices: albahaca, cilantro, eneldo, menta, perejil, salvia, romero y tomillo. Tienen un precio aproximado de 20 dólares americanos (264 pesos mexicanos aproximadamente).

Más información | Sprout

En Directo al Paladar México | Con pan y luz, se anda el camino
En Directo al Paladar México | Hong Yi y sus deliciosas obras de arte creadas con comida

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La noticia Lápices que al plantarlos crecen en hierbas para la cocina fue publicada originalmente en Directo al Paladar México por Sweet Cannela.

Photo via Flickr user timlewisnm

The global clown population is in peril. Not unlike the Mexican wolf or Wyoming toad, clowns find themselves increasingly alone, partly because they’re are almost deliberately terrifying, and partly because this has never been an acceptable career path in the first place. 

The World Clown Association, which is one of the largest clown trade groups, has seen its membership drop by nearly 30 percent in the last ten years, from 3,500 members in 2004 to a depressing 2,500 today. Clowns of America International president Glen Kohlberger claimed that clowns are a dying breed, with very few young clowns to fill their giant, squeaky shoes. “The older clowns are passing away. What happens is they go on to high school and college and clowning isn’t cool anymore. Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.” Or in other words, nobody goes clowning until they’ve completely failed some 30 years down the line.

Perhaps it’s because clowns have a bad rap in youth circles. Chances are that if you had to name three clowns off the top of your head, two would be in the Insane Clown Posse, and the other one murdered 33 young men in the 70s. Clowns are inherently scary and fear of clowns is known as coulrophobia. A University of Sheffield study of 250 children ages 4 to 16 “found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable.” Bestival, a music festival on the Isle of Wright, had to scrap their “circus” theme in 2006 after festivalgoers demanded refunds, insisting they were too afraid of clowns to attend.

Besides the fun of clowning around, it’s really no surprise that career-driven kids don’t want to be clowns anymore. The average “event” clown can earn up to $150 an hour, with salaried Cirque de Soleil performers able to make anywhere from $45,000 to $200,000 a year, according to a Reddit AMA with a former acrobat. This is following an intensely difficult bout of clown college, which leaves clowns with a limited skillset applicable almost exclusively to the circus. Although the hardest part is probably not being able to look your own father in the eye for 15 years after telling him you’re going to become a clown.

All hope is not lost, however. Following the original New York Daily News story, aforementioned CAI president Kohlberger contacted Gothamist to clear up a serious misquote. “There is NO fear of a clown shortage in the US. Clown of America International is doing very well, and so are the clowns that are members of it. We are an educational organization that is supported by our members. We are getting new members every day. The economy has effected every organization across the board, and we may have lost a few members because of the economy, but we have thousands of members in the US and worldwide.”

Despite Kohlberger’s reassuring words on the endangered status of clowns, it doesn’t seem to be far off that clowning is on its way out; the statistics on membership speak for themselves. The most important question still remains: What will we as a society do without clowns?

Laugh.

@jules_su

El pato donald

Hace años recuperé brevemente a mi personaje “Calavera Lunar” para la revista BDBanda. Ahí va uno de los episodios.

softpornmustdie:

She’s literally pissing herself laughing.

Jonah Bekhor and Zach Math’s feature “The Final Member” has made the rounds in the film festival circuit for two years. And only now is it approaching its April, 2014 release date.

At least, you can wait no longer to see a documentary about a penis museum in Iceland. “This is a really unique story,” Math said after signing a distribution deal with Drafthouse Films. “[It's] one that’s shocking, sublimely comedic, and very meaningful.”

OK, Math, thanks. No need to pump this one up. We get it. Those who’re interested in peen pop culture will fight for first in line; the rest will be at “Lego Movie Too!”

h/t Topless Robot

Jackhammer Jesus. All images via Divine Interventions

VICE's recent nunsploitation shoot reminded us about how fun, weird, and totally hot the tension between sex and religion can be. In fact, it inspired us to look into another facet of the interplay between piety and perversion: religious sex toys. 

It's no secret that the sex-toy market in general has seen a boom in the last decade or so. It's a $15 billion industry in the US alone. That’s a lot of rubber wangs and simulated vaginas.

Of course, with the rise in mainstream sex products, the obscure micro-niches of that economy are also growing. If you're the kind of person that only wants to get whipped by a recycled vegan flogger, someone can totally make that happen. Today, thanks to video tutorials, DIY kits, and people with lots of time on their hands, a sex-toy cottage industry has popped up.

The artisanal religious sex toy industry is very much part of this obscure toy sexplosion. Have you heard of the Holy Water Plug? It’s a sex toy that includes two inches of shiny cold metal that you stick down your urethra in the name of Jesus Christ; out of the little cross on the end comes an au naturel sort of holy water. It sounds painful, and I can’t fathom why anyone would pay $84 to stick a pipe down his or her pee-hole, but the fact remains: It exists because somebody wants it. 

There are companies earnestly trying to bring couples closer to God—like Intimacy of Eden or Covenant Spice—that don’t feature any models with their products so Christian couples can remain virtuous while shopping for things to stuff in their holes. And then there’s the fetish scene, whose participants are all for the idea of turning the spiritual into the sexual.

Nigel R. is one of the latter. He has been assisting people in having orthodox-inspired orgasms since 1999. Much like other artisanal adult-toy companies, the majority of Divine Interventions’ silicone products are handcrafted and colored by Nigel himself.

Focusing mainly on Catholic-themed sex toys, Nigel first got the idea for Divine Interventions in college, when he mistook the picture on the box of his roommate’s Jesus nightlight for a dildo. Now his company features products like the Jackhammer Jesus and the Baby Jesus butt plug.
 

Baby Jesus butt plug

In many ways, Divine Interventions gets its kicks from marrying the ultimate binary—sex and religion—into one product. Though the target audience are religious fetishists, a small minority of religious customers have cited using Christian sensual products to improve their sex lives, in turn bringing themselves closer to God.

"I got one email from a reformed Catholic who felt very oppressed growing up in the church, and thought the toys were great and improved her sex life," explained Nigel over the phone from California.

Diving Nun

Nigel’s toys don’t only feature the King of the Jews. There’s also the sacreligious Diving Nun—a phallic-shaped nun that suctions to the wall for use in as many ways as your imagination sees fit. Those lacking the appropriate accessories for their newly obtained silicone nun can pick up some Holy Water lube for the reasonable price of $9.99 (each bottle has been blessed by a priest).

In case you’re wondering, Nigel grew up a member of the Church of England but is now a self-proclaimed atheist. In terms of negative feedback, Nigel says the worst he’s ever gotten was a death threat, as well as a suspect email from someone claiming to be from the Vatican, in which Nigel was accused of violating the copyright of Jesus Christ. “I truly don't understand; our toys don't hurt a soul,” Nigel said. “People really do need to relax when it comes to religion... and our toys can help.”

Buddha's Delight

Nigel is a man that wants every niche—and hole—filled. Unsatisfied with merely catering to Christianity, Nigel branched out into the penis-personifying of other religious figures as well.

“'Baby Jesus butt plug' just sort of rolled off the tongue,” Nigel said. “I knew that I wanted to include figures from Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and Hinduism, though the only Hindu and Buddhist pieces are the Shiva Lingam and the Buddha, respectively.” Nigel recently received a request for a Putin look-alike butt plug that he would affectionately call the "Putin-ass" plug.

“We did think about becoming a church, 'The Temple of Divine Interventions,'” said Nigel. “It would certainly be more fun than Scientology.”

@mperason9

Illustration by Dave Dorman, Wizards of the Coast

If you’ve ever played Magic: The Gathering, odds are high that you were at some point obsessed with it. Or at least I was, along with millions of others, both as a dorky teen and recently again as a ridiculous adult. For more than 20 years now, Magic has maintained its well-deserved place among the most popular and—in my opinion—complex games in recent memory.

The creator of Magic is a man named Richard Garfield, a game designer with a PhD in combinatorial math. Though Magic is still his most popular design, Garfield is responsible for numerous other paper and electronic games, including RoboRally; Vampie: The Eternal Stuggle; Spectromancer; and King of Tokyo. Currently, Richard is working alongside notorious repeat Jeopardy! champion and writer of funny tweets Ken Jennings on a new game combining trivia with an egalitarian mode of play, wherein anyone, not just trivia buffs, can win.

A few days ago I got the chance to talk with Garfield on the phone about game design, competition, and his poker strategy.

VICE: What are the early elements that define the creation of a game?
Richard Garfield: People say that games spring from two major sources. One is from the mechanics, and the other is from the motif—the artifice of the game. So you look at a game like Clue, and it’s got this murder-mystery feel, and you can legitimately ask yourself, Did the author sit down and try to make a murder-mystery game, or does it have this deductive mechanic in the abstract that looks like chess, and then they decided it would make a good murder-mystery-flavor game? In most games, in general, it works in both ways.

So, with Magic, my game was inspired by the mechanics. I was interested in designing a game in which people could construct their own decks, and that was the root of the game. It wasn’t until months later that I came up with the idea of attaching a magical theme to it. But another game I designed, Pecking Order, which is kind of an abstract bluffing game, has the motif of birds landing on posts, and the better posts are occupied by birds higher on the pecking order. That was inspired by watching some birds vie for posts. I was looking at a game being played by the birds and modeled it into a strategy game.

Oftentimes, the things that inspire me are interesting systems, like evolution, or economics, or of course warfare. As you look at how the mechanics of these things work in real life, that gives rise to natural game elements.

I think the thing that has given Magic such longevity is the collectability aspect—people often become fanatical not only about the game itself but about acquiring the tools.
Right. The game bleeds into real life. There’s this whole world of how you get the cards, and how the cards circulate among people. You see that sort of thing in online games these days quite a bit. Back before the 90s, it was pretty rare to see a game like that, outside of sports with player trading. It was not just how you played your game in basketball or football, but how you manipulated your team, how you chose to trade your players, and who you managed to recruit. With Magic, I was mainly being driven by the idea that, if people could collect their own cards, there would be a huge amount of variety to the game. In fact, one way I viewed it was that it was like designing a game for a vast audience, dealing out the cards to everybody instead of designing a bunch of little games.

And the system continues to shift with each new expansion of the game, and each edition completely changes the game’s landscape. How much are you able to predict those changes when designing a new set of cards? Does it ever surprise you?
In the early days, Magic often shifted in many ways we didn’t understand or expect. It was something that really excited me. It felt like the game was so complicated that there would be no way to predict it unless you intentionally broke the game by making super-powerful cards that would dominate the others. But the whole idea is to make it so that there’s a wide variety of playable decks. There’s just no way you can test everything, and so sometimes the game would move in ways the designers expected and sometimes it wouldn’t. One of the things I really like about games is that many times, once the designer has designed them, people take the ideas beyond where the designer anticipated. If you solve a crossword puzzle, the most you can do is equal what the designer intended. But if you play a game like chess, you can move well beyond. The best basketball player in the world is not the person who invented basketball.

In some ways, the true personality of the game really begins to emerge when you see people who are new masters, and how they see the game differently than anyone else.
And one of the most exciting things in game play is when you have a regime of masters and they’ve taught everybody how to play, but then some young players look at it in a different way and see a different strategy and are able to overcome the old hierarchy. So in chess a player like Fisher comes out and turns the game on its head. 

When you’re play-testing a prototype for a new game, how much attention do you have to pay to limiting certain aspects versus knowing when another sort of aspect should not be limited?
That answer changes based on your audience. When Magic first came out I was interested in keeping it as flexible as possible. We knew there were all these crazy things you could do with some of the cards and ways you could interpret their play, and ways you could put together decks that weren’t any fun to play against, but we wanted to leave maximum flexibility in there. And play groups control this. If I’m playing with you, and you always play a deck that isn’t very interesting, then you would be pressured into changing your deck, or I would be pressured into raising my game and trying to defeat that deck. We didn’t care that there were ways to work around the game that weren’t fun, because people would have fun in discovering them, and then they would make house rules to control them. The games that I grew up with were driven by house rules. Famously, Monopoly is hardly ever played by the written rules, and when you sit down with people you have to figure out what rules you’re playing by. But Magic is a much more networked game than Monopoly, meaning that you would play with me, but then you would go off and play with somebody else, and they would play with somebody else, and there is much more of a demand with Magic that there be a way to be able to interpret the rules. You’ll see that in any game that is played at the tournament level. There was a lot of rules we had to formalize and take control of. A lot of the things I would have published in ’93 can’t be published now because they would do something that wouldn’t be good for the tournaments.

These minutiae of rules really affect people emotionally. People lose their minds.
Passion evolves around any game that moves beyond being a pastime and into becoming a hobby or a lifestyle. Like Magic, or Dungeons & Dragons, or World of Warcraft... or the way many people play sports.

Are there any games that you’ve become that passionate about, personally?
I don’t think there are, for me. I’ve been passionate about games, but I’ve always been very flexible and bored in my view about what constitutes the rules. I like to see people interpreting the game in a different way. I like tinkering with the rules and seeing what happens.

So you wouldn’t say you’re a competitive person?
I’m competitive in that when I play a game I try to win. But in some ways, what we’re skirting around here is there are different psycho-graphics for players. One way I like to divide players up is into innovators and honers.

Innovators are the people who like to sit down to a new game and innovate new rules. An innovator who sits down to chess might get very excited because they are learning all these different strategies, and they’re seeing what their opponent is doing and incorporating it into doing it even better. But at some point they have to start studying opening moves, or in poker they have to start studying odds. It becomes for the innovator more work than it used to be, and less fun.

A honer, on the other hand, what they really like doing is taking this established way of looking at a game, and perfecting it, getting it so that they know the exact percentages, and getting an established method of play perfect. A champion might be able to do both, or enjoy both, but I’m more on the innovator side, where I like to come up with strategies, but then once you have to start to study it, I move on to something else or change the rules.

Part of the success of Magic is that it has ways to satisfy both the innovator and the honer. The innovator is happy because the card mixes are constantly changing, and everything is constantly in flux. And the honer can study the minutiae of the game down to whether you should have four of these in a deck or three, what you should have in your sideboard, when you should mulligan.

Illustration by Kaja Foglio

Do you have a favorite Magic card?
One of my favorite cards is Shahrazad. In a historical sense, of course, Shahrazad was the storyteller of Arabian Nights, and was famous for stringing her stories together and nesting stories within stories, because every night she kept the sultan entertained was a night that she wasn’t going to be killed. And so with the card, when you played it, you would then play a sub-game of Magic, and whoever won that would get a benefit in the parent game. I like cards like that, that mesh well with the flavor they are trying to convey, and also take you out of the game into a new space.

What is your idea of the perfect game?
When I was in my 20s I would have said Go. Now I say poker. Poker is simple. Anybody can play it. Anybody can win. But there’s obviously skill. It’s short, so you can play a hand of poker very fast; you can use it to fill up any length of time. It’s also very flexible. When I was in college we played a lot of dealer’s-choice poker, and there were so many games available; it was constantly changing. Poker is almost more like a game-operating system, rather than just a game. 

I imagine you are the kind of player who likes to bluff a lot.
With all my games I try to take what people expect of me and do something a little different. I bluff when I think I have established a reputation for not bluffing, and I play very tight when I think people expect me to be bluffing. But that’s not atypical. And you’ll see that when I sit down to play Magic. If everybody is playing one of two different types of decks, red/green and blue/white, I will be trying to play a black deck. I want to use the tools other people aren’t using, or find some combination other people haven’t gotten to work. I take pleasure in trying to think outside the box in games. Both math and intuition are very useful. Without an understanding of odds, your intuition doesn’t make much sense.

For more on Richard go to Threedonkeys.com

@blakebutler

Shocking no one, the near-centuries old bromance between Babylon 5 creator and all-around-pop-culture-influencer, J. Michael Straczynski and the tempestuous Harlan Ellison has resulted in a movie option for the (probably) most famous Ellison short story, ever. But, now that JMS is being allowed to pitch a movie version of “‘Repent, Harlequin!’ Said the Tick-Tock Man,” should we take it seriously? Will this SF classic ever really get turned into a film? More importantly, should it be?

[Read more]

According to Deadline, Ellison only allowed JMS to legally have the option after he saw a completed screenplay. This makes sense, practically, since it seems likely a movie version would have to expand on the actual plot of the story, and possibly take some liberties with the structure of the fictional future-world. Briefly, for those of you who haven’t been hit over the head with some volume of greatest-science-fiction-stories-ever-according to the 20^th century, “Repent,” deals with a world in which one’s allotted time governs nearly every facet of people’s lives. If you’re late to work, you get minutes taken off your life. The Tick-Tock man (everything runs like clockwork, get it?) is in charge of all of this stuff, while a guy named Harlequin shows up and throws jellybeans all over the place in an act of rebellion. Specifically, he loves telling people to “get stuffed!”

There’s fantastic audio drama of this one featuring Robin Williams, which to me is nearly perfect. Do I love this story? Sure, because it’s one of those great big-idea SF stories that changed my life. But, on the question of would I choose this, above all the other Harlan Ellison stories, as one to turn into a feature-length movie. I would not. Now, JMS certainly knows what he’s doing (I mean, he’s written tons of screenplays for successful films) but I do wonder about the lack of tension in this story translating to the big screen. To me, a story like “Repent,” has what I think of a 1984 problem. The concept is amazing and transformative, but the stuff that actually happens in the story is less memorable than the premise. To put it another way: I think of this (and many of Ellison’s stories) as brief little jaunts into worlds, and once the point has been made, the story ends. This is the strength of short fiction, and also the reason why movie-length versions of Twilight Zone-esque plot-twisters can get a little trying. (Repent, Shyamalan!)

This isn’t to say (spoiler alert) that “Repent” has a twist ending, it’s just that I’m not sure why that one over say, “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream,” which, to me, seems like a much more workable plotline as a movie. Again, I’m a pop-culture critic who has never written a screenplay in my life, and JMS has written like a billion and he’s totally great, so maybe I’m way off base. BUT, I do worry that the high-concept fame of this one is part of why it’s being maybe made into a movie. Am I implying there’s sentimentality attached to this story that make it better by reputation than by actual content. Maybe? I mean, it’s “‘Repent, Harlequin,’ Said the Tick-Tock Man,” it’s an excellent story. But so is Hemingway’s “The Hills Like White Elephants,” or Katherine Mansfield’s “The Tiredness of Rosebel.” Not sure I’d make those into movies either.

Weirdly, I think the best person to write the screenplay to Harlan Ellison’s most famous story is probably Harlan Ellison himself. His treatment of Asimov’s I, Robot is excellent, partly because the structural liberties he takes with the existing source material. The stakes in that (unfilmed) screenplay are like Citizen Kane meets robots, partly because Ellison reinvents the character of Susan Calvin, as well as bringing in some folks of his own. Obviously, JMS is totally capable of doing this, too, it’s just that I guess with these two teaming up (again) I wish it was something a little less predictable. I mean, if it was announced that J.J. Abrams was adapting the story, I’d probably have fainted and only could have been reawakened by Kim Catrall reading me Ellison’s “Deeper than Darkness,” so, really, the news is good.

Complaining about JMS maybe adapting this wonderful story and then having awesome people like Peter Jackson direct it is sort of like getting that 5-speed-bike I asked for on Christmas and then complaining it’s the wrong color.

And right now, the only thing we can do is wait and see if said 5-speed-bike even shows up. And then, the real unnecessary complaining can begin. But really, let me know, what do you all think? Am I crazy? Is there another Ellison story you’d rather see JMS tackle?

---

Ryan Britt is a longtime contributor to Tor.com.

I mean, Christ, just look at him. He’s like an anthropomorphized Slate article.

And oh fuck, there’s this guy too? Whatthehow? Whothewhat? I mean, holy saccharine fuck. They’re breeding.

According to cable news networks, if you dress like Tim Burton crashed his Mini Cooper into an American Apparel, you’re qualified to be a TV expert on tech and social media. Sorry, a “digital prophet.”

Has the tech bubble burst yet?

h/t @bysamro

Hey, Internet! I hear you like cute animals and stuff. Personally, not so much my jam. I like animals in real life, but pictures of them? Meh. I mean, they’re fine and all, I don’t find them offensive, but I’m probably not going to run out and subscribe to Cat Fancy magazine. You know what I’m totally into though? Silent films. So, here, we’re going to compromise! I will show you some pictures of silent film stars posing with animals, and then tell you some of the things I know about them. The actors, not the animals.

1. Lupe Velez with an Ocelot

The ocelot was not her pet. It was her co-star in “Mexican Spitfire’s Blessed Event.” Velez did a whole series of these “Mexican Spitfire” films, and this one was about how she went on vacation and sent a telegraph back home and because of her silly broken English, everyone thought she was talking about a baby instead of an ocelot. HA! Racism.

Probably the only thing you know about Lupe Velez is that she committed suicide over being pregnant out of wedlock, and was found with her head in a toilet. This is actually not at all true, and just another one of Kenneth Anger’s silly lies. While she did commit suicide, sadly, she was found on the floor next to her bed.

Oh, and she was married to Johnny Weissmuller, who played Tarzan.

2. Rudolph Valentino and his dog, Kabar

Rodolfo Alfonso Raffaello Pierre Filibert Guglielmi di Valentina d’Antonguolla, better known as Rudolph Valentino–or just “Valentino,” is primarily remembered for being a super hot “Latin Lover” and also for being a bigamist– having married Natacha Rambova before he was done divorcing Jean Acker. If you Google image search him, you will see both many pictures of him wearing a tuxedo (ROMANCE) and also him dressed up in a startling variety of ethnic costumes–because studio executives at the time were pretty much like “Oh, Italians, Mexicans, Native Americans, Arabs! What’s the difference, really? This Italian guy can play all the ethnic roles!” And he did.

Anyway, Valentino died at the age of 31, and because he was such a big heart throb (like Ryan Gosling x Idris Elba x a MILLION), there was a huge mass hysteria among his fans, which included some reported suicides. Which, if you ask me, is a little much.

3. Louise Brooks and a Koala

“I have a gift for enraging people, but if I ever bore you it will be with a knife,” said Louise Brooks–the coolest human to ever walk this earth, and probably the greatest actress to ever live–in a letter to a lover. She was the original “It Girl” before Clara Bow.

Louise…was amazing. She kicked Hollywood’s ass for a while and inspired women across the country to cut their hair in Dutch bobs. After being denied a raise she was promised by Paramount, though, she took her act on the road to Germany to act in films directed by G.W. Pabst. Amazing films, probably the best silent films that were ever made. Seriously, watch “Pandora’s Box” and thank me later.

She hated the whole Hollywood thing, and although she did two more films after she returned to the states, she eventually moved back out East and lived in relative obscurity until she was “rediscovered” by the wonderful James Card, film historian for the Eastman House, who brought her to Rochester and became her dear friend and confidant until her death in 1985. Which, sadly, was long before I moved there. But that is another story for another day.

4. Buster Keaton and a bulldog

Buster Keaton was pretty much one of the greatest actor/directors in the history of cinema. Also, he made his very own pork pie hats and once escaped from a straitjacket in a mental institution, having learned the skill from magicians back in his vaudeville days.

5. Delores Del Rio and a piglet

Delores Del Rio was supposed to be sort of the lady version of Valentino’s “Latin Lover” archetype and was the first Latin American actress to become internationally famous. She was also one of the first actresses to fall victim to the Hays Code– her version of “Madame Du Barry” being pretty much hacked to bits by the censors. After the Hays Code went into place, Del Rio was pretty much considered “too sexy for Hollywood” and had trouble getting roles– especially after Mayer and Thalberg decided that, although she was super pretty, the whole “ethnic thing” was totally over and they really only wanted to create three-dimensional roles for white ladies.

After being offered a role in a super racist movie called “Viva Villa!,” Delores was like “Fuck. This. Shit.” and went back down to Mexico to make movies, where she was, again, hugely successful. They replaced her in the movie with, I shit you not, Fay Wray.

She was also one of the “names named” during the red scare, and was accused of Communist activities. And she dated Orson Welles for a while (when he was still hot).

6. Mary Pickford and a cat

Sorry, Mary Pickford was a total bitch. Do not care for her as a person, and neither did Charlie Chaplin. “America’s Sweetheart” or not, she was AWFUL to Joan Crawford when Joan married Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. (Pickford was married to Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., so Jr. was her stepson), and would not let her come over to their fancy “Pickfair Mansion” because she thought Crawford was low class, and pretty much dedicated her life to splitting up their marriage. BOO, MARY PICKFORD, BOO.

7. Mabel Normand with a baby lion

Mabel Normand seriously does not get enough credit. It’s total bullshit. She was in loads of movies with Charlie Chaplin, Fatty Arbuckle, Laurel and Hardy–some of which she wrote, produced and directed. She was a comedy pioneer, but does anyone ever remember her name along with these dudes? No. It’s not right. It is just not right.

Admittedly, it’s possible that part of this is due to the fact that she was involved in a scandal involving her chauffeur shooting her boyfriend and the fact that a bout of tuberculosis cut her career short. HOWEVER, Fatty Arbuckle was also involved in a scandal, involving raping a woman (although he’s now believed to have been innocent), and people still talk about him. This is lame and we should change it. Mabel Normand Film Festival, 2014!

8. Josephine Baker with her pet cheetah Chiquita

This is actually one of the only animals I can, in fact, tell you anything about. Chiquita the Cheetah was a gift to Baker from a club owner, meant to be used in her act. BUT, she kept her long afterwards and Chiquita traveled everywhere with her, even sleeping in her bed at night. She also had a pet goat and a pet pig!

Josephine Baker was a dancer, an actress, a spy, a revolutionary and a humanitarian. And a total bad ass. I’ve written about her at length before should you like to learn more.

9. Olive Thomas and a Borzoi

Olive Thomas, whose ghost supposedly haunts the New Amsterdam Theater, became a star after winning a “The Most Beautiful Girl in New York City” contest. She was in love with Jack Pickford, Mary Pickford’s brother (Mary, of course, disapproved and thought she wasn’t good enough for him because she’d been in musical comedies of all things) and tragically died when she accidentally drank the mercury bichloride he was taking for his chronic syphilis.

10. Pola Negri with a dog

Weirdly, like Josephine Baker, Pola Negri also had a pet cheetah, though not until much later in life.

Pola Negri was raised in poverty in Poland by a single mother (her father had been arrested for suspected revolutionary activities), but became a ballet dancer, and eventually an actress. She starred in a bunch of successful German movies directed by Ernst Lubitsch, and soon, Hollywood came for them both.

The Hollywood studios set up a fake rivalry between Negri and Gloria Swanson, for publicity reasons, and often “leaked” details of ridiculous fights the two had gotten into. Apparently they actually had no problem with one another.

She married a Count and a Prince, and had affairs with Charlie Chaplin and Valentino. Actually, when Valentino died, they were engaged at the time, Pola was so devastated that she went into hysterics at his grave site.

Article reposted with permission from Business Insider

Ikea is planning to stop making one of its most popular shelving systems, and people are outraged.

The EXPEDIT shelf apparently has a cult of fans, many of whom are vinyl record collectors who believe its cubed storage space is unrivaled by any other furniture in the world.

Ikea says it will replace EXPEDIT with a similar shelf called the KALLAX, which “has the same internal sizes and uses the same internal fittings,” according to the Huffington Post.

“I think our customers may be worried that they won’t have the wonderful function and flexibility that they had with EXPEDIT, but this is not the case,” said Ikea spokeswoman Janice Simonsen.

But EXPEDIT lovers are inconsolable:

Noo #ikea! Don’t kill off the #expedit when I don’t have all the ones I want for my shelving needs! Looks like I’m making a trip soon

— José Álvarez (@jaaj1989) February 20, 2014

No more Expedit!!! What is IKEA thinking? http://t.co/Jpi7Bdpigk

— willshome (@willshome) February 20, 2014

Oh my god. There is going to be a run on Ikea’s Expedit shelves. They are discontinuing them! http://t.co/JyfyueJCOc

— Jennifer 8. Lee (@jenny8lee) February 20, 2014

oh no! ikea discontinues expedit?! http://t.co/TNXv8gMemt

— Anthony Fantano (@theneedledrop) February 19, 2014

#RIP Plattenschrank Expedit. #ikea

— HERR SHAB (@herr_shab) February 18, 2014

Also, I just found out that IKEA is discontinuing the Expedit. CAN TODAY GET ANY WORSE? #JamesFranco #IKEAsorrow

— Carmen Maria Machado (@carmenmmachado) February 20, 2014

PLEASE GOD, NOT THE EXPEDIT. #ikea

— Julie (@realityjulie) February 20, 2014

The world is ending – I’ve just read that Ikea are discontinuing the Expedit range! I’m obsessed with that range *begins stockpile*

— Vicky O’Leary (@mrsvickyo) February 20, 2014

“@daddacool: OMG, IKEA are discontinuing the Expedit shelving range *stockpiles for all eternity*” Nooooooo!

— Mrs M (@MrsMummyMe) February 20, 2014

photo via Retrothing

Accedieron a su interior y rompieron las cajas antiincendios. Esto tuvo lugar una hora antes de la protesta contra la Lomce en la que también se registraron numerosos incidentes

Organizada pola Asociación O’Naranxo, puidemos facer un itinerario privilexiado a través do Deza, guiados por Antonio Presas e Miguel Ángel Agulló. Un itinerario máxico en moitos sentidos, pero no primeiro no meterolóxico. “Todos os tempos nun”. O frío atroz, a humidade, a chuvia, o sol, o vento implacable, o corisco, o orballo atravesaron estes verdes e ancestrais campos dezanos, mentres nos iamos embriagando, unha tras doutra, de copas de saborosas historias, de xentes de a cabalo entre estes tempos e outros.

A nosa primeira parada foi un misterioso lugar, na confluencia entre os ríos Deza e o Rego de Chedas. Oculto tras unha potente masa de vexetación, podíanse distinguir os muros dunha enigmática construción dos mouros. Antonio Presas interpretouna coma o Castelo de Paradela, unha das máis antigas fortalezas da comarca, segundo figuraba nunha historia do territorio escrita a man polo señor do pazo de Bendoiro.

LIDAR do castelo de Paradela. Pode apreciarse unha depresión no estremo do promontonio e a plataforma da torre

Foto do 56. Pode apreciarse a existencia xa derrubada da construción interior pero tamén a excentricidade da posible fortaleza con respecto aos pasos tradicionais do río nesa área.

O modesto sitio arqueolóxico -ao que non puidemos cruzar debido ás fortes correntes dun Deza encaixado e un Chedas bravío- percíbese como unha sorte de torre -na que parece ser que hai moita tella medieval; intúese tamén -e o LIDAR parece indicalo tamén- un profundo foxo cavado na rocha. Lembra moitísimo a un castro mineiro do Courel pero en pequeno, aínda que a súa ubicación é ben enigmática. Se ben é frecuente a existencia de castelos na veciñanza dos ríos, aproveitando a corrente como foxo, neste caso a fortaleza de Paradela parece excéntrica a todo. Mesmo pódese apreciar no voo americano coma o camiño tradicional do paso do río ía máis enriba da fortaleza. O sitio, aínda que só fóra pola súa fermosura merece unha visita vagarosa. Velaí poderemos comprobar se ten natureza defensiva e en que consiste. Por certo, e isto non o saben os meus amigos dezanos, nas proximidades é posible que haxa outra destas pequenas fortalezas. ;-)

Tamén as súas dimensións, estraña ubicación, lembroume a Castro Candaz, no Miño; o mítico lugar onde a fidalguía da Ribeira Sacra de Chantada situaba as orixes das súas liñaxes. Resultaba curioso que aquí tamén, un lugar similar, se dera como fortaleza primixenia deste vello territorio.

Localización do Castelo de Paradela en patrimoniogalego.net

Agachada nun piñeiral, atopamos unha das máis fermosas e mellor feitas albarizas do Candán. É unha pasada sobrevoar esta antiquísima serra desde a foto do 56 e distinguir ducias de albarizas por todas partes. Esta que visitamos é exactamente o que representa: unha fortaleza contra o monstro ausente. Optimizadas para a loita contra os larpeiros ósos ata detalles abraiantes e, ao mesmo tempo, dispostas para aproveitar o medio o mellor posible, estas albarizas son unhas magníficas mostras de deseño agrario. Ao último oso cazado no Candán matárono en Noceda, en 1850. Bravo e valente animal, contra o que os homes tiveron que levantar auténticas fortalezas que resumían a natureza da besta salvaxe. Créanme, teño visto fortalezas contra homes bastante máis perralleiras. Un imaxina aquí osos míticos, osos de envergadura descomunal, seres dun mundo antigo.

Non moi lonxe de alí está o Carballo de Pazos. Un fermoso exemplar de centos de anos de Historia. O Carballo, que aínda vive nun estado máis ou menos aceptable, é autenticamente un ser venerable. Unha casa grande aos pés, cunha capela na que se conservan reliquias de Santo Antonio de Padua, e moitas memorias ao redor deste ser ancestral como a propia terra. Consérvase a memoria do mercado, do pago de rendas baixo a súa sombra, e a silueta de dous frades de Aciveiro que chegaban ata aquí a cobralas acompañados dun enorme can de monte. Non é difícil ficar abraiado con este marabilloso exemplar que debe ter gravadas nas súa cortiza, na súa madeira, miles de historias sucedidas á súa beira.

Pasa unha vella e di:

-É bonito, non si? Antes érao máis -dixo melancólica, pero engadiu intrigante- Antes estaba máis fermoso, cando todos lle viñamos a falar.

E marchou paseniño.

Ás veces vivimos nunha marabilla de país.

Fotos: Sole Felloza

Cree que se sacó de contexto que dijese que se hizo corrupto por Conde Roa

• «No se dio información privilegiada a ninguna empresa»

José Antonio Teiga Pensado é un agricultor mozo que no ano 2009 dediciu apostar pola produción de froitos silvestres, un sector no que Galicia pode ser unha potencia. Entrevista no interior.

El agente William Clyde ha tropezado con una sangrienta trama de corrupción y asesinato de la política exterior americana.

Todas las pistas giran en torno al misterioso soldado desconocido, no importa lo que cueste, hay que encontrarle.

(Gran articulo en Zonanegativa hablando del soldado desconocido, de esta obra y de otras relacionadas, Leer aquí.)

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Guion: Garth Ennis 
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• El Soldado Desconocido  (Garth Ennis)

 

his tombstone read “he confessed everything but his name,” a point of great pride

1. A nice handkerchief.

Whether you’re pulling it effortlessly out of your pants pocket to clean your glasses, or you just have it nicely folded in your breast pocket, hankies are such an underrated accessory. Dudes don’t get a lot of accessories to work with these days, and choosing not to embrace it is just such a mistake. I guarantee you that pulling an eye-catching-yet-tasteful hankie out to clean something off will field you some serious compliments, and make people think a lot more of you. It just looks classy.

2. Well-maintained shoes.

When I first started dating my boyfriend, I was truly blown away by his shoe game. It seemed so foreign to me, this idea of not only having fancy shoes, but wearing to places other than the office, and putting them on those little wooden shoe trees every night. But I quickly realized that caring for them, organizing them, and always having them look fresh as hell is a true pleasure for him. It was me that wasn’t used to the idea of a guy wearing nice shoes everywhere, or taking care of them to the point of wearing these little rubber protectors when it snows, which I lovingly refer to as his foot condoms:

It may seem like a lot of effort to go through, but good shoes mean good things for your life, and honestly I can understand how the ritual of it would be a soothing experience. (Oh, and, yes — brightly-colored laces are a thing. And it’s awesome.)

3. A good side-part.

Is there anyone who isn’t improved with a good coiffure? Gone are the high school days when the most important element in a boy’s hair was the swoosh factor of his ManBangs. A side part is something everyone can participate in, and which makes any man look handsome and put-together, like he put just a little bit more effort into his morning routine for everyone’s viewing pleasure.

4. A grey suit.

I’m not going to be one of those fancy men’s magazines that says things like “black suits are for funerals only,” but we can all admit that a grey suit just looks nicer. You can get dark grey/charcoal if you want something more somber, but still, grey is just good. And let’s not debate whether or not you should own a suit because, umm, yes you should.

(This feels like a good moment to have a minor rant, because I’ve had many men who don’t wear suits to work be like “Why do I need a suit?? Where am I going to wear it??” The answer to that is everywhere. My boyfriend and several of his friends wear suits in their regular lives, to a variety of outings, and you know what? No one thinks they look strange. People literally treat them like royalty. Everyone defers to them and assumes they have all the answers. It’s unbelievable. Recently I was at a bar with some coworkers where you typically have to wait in a line and take the elevator up, and my boyfriend came to meet us a bit later. He literally breezed past the whole line — he didn’t even realize there WAS one — and the doorman was like, “Oh, sir, after you” because he was wearing a nice suit and carrying a briefcase. IT IS A WHOLE OTHER LIFE, and I wish I could participate in it.)

5. A bar cart.

Okay, maybe the actual cart is excessive, but why doesn’t every guy have a couple good liquors, some nice glasses, and a few other drinks at his disposal? It just seems like the thing you would want most in your house, and as someone who has recently made it a point to have a well-ish stocked “cocktail cabinet,” nothing looks cooler than having people over unexpectedly and offering them a cocktail with more than two ingredients on a whim. It’s almost like a magical power.

6. A trench coat.

I honestly don’t understand men who don’t already have a trench coat — not only are they incredibly good-looking, they are an extremely useful clothing that serves a distinct purpose. There is no other coat you can really be wearing on those mostly warm but a touch chilly spring or autumn days where it’s drizzling all afternoon. It’s the only clothing item that truly makes sense, and it only helps that it makes the wearer look like a sexy detective.

7. Real pajamas.

Some people think that real men’s pajamas are corny, but I honestly think they’re very hot. You don’t need to wear them all the time, but if you’re going on a vacation with friends or family and want to have something presentable to walk out of the bedroom for breakfast and/or going to the bathroom in, you can’t beat this.

8. Something seersucker.

The gentleman’s fabric! Don’t you want to be sipping a cocktail, smugly overlooking a garden party or a sunny terrace brunch or whatever other circumstance you’re wearing seersucker in? Of course you do. Seersucker is the pinnacle of human clothing because it’s just so superfluous and impractical — no one wearing pastel seersucker is working hard or doing something painful. For when it’s summer and you want to relax but still look pulled-together and sexy as hell, it’s time to bring out the seersucker.

9. Stylish rounded sunglasses.

Granted, not every facial structure can pull it off (I know I can’t, I look like a bespectacled tomato), but when you can — vintage rounded sunglasses are so nice. They just look so fancy and classy and nice, and give you an air of dignity that a pair of Oakleys simply cannot.

10. A shawl-collar sweater.

Does any clothing item take you from zero to DILF quite as quickly as a shawl-collar sweater? It’s the look that says both “I’m here to cuddle you and maybe chop some wood if you get cold” and “When I take this off I have a gorgeous, gently muscled torso, but I don’t need to show off with skin-tight shirts.” It’s the gentleman’s sexy winter look.

11. A good shaving kit.

I know that nice shaving kits have become somewhat played out, but that doesn’t mean we should write off the whole practice as the activity of a hipster with too much time on his hands. The thing about a good razor and shaving soap is that they really do give you a cleaner, softer shave that is so wonderful and perfect to press a cheek against, and high-quality aftershave balm smells better than any cologne you’ve ever paid too much for. When my boyfriend started using his current kit*, women at his office would compliment him daily on how good he smelled and when they went to kiss his cheek (this was in France), would linger maybe a second or two. I couldn’t even hate. I was like, yeah, I get it. It’s just that good.

*Note for the curious, he uses Truefitt and Hill 1805 line, the soap and the balm. They are worth it.