“Rock did not die of old age. It was murdered,” said Gene Simmons in a recent interview with Esquire. In his explanation, the CEO of KISS said that rock ‘n’ roll was killed on the internet, you know, where a 15-year-old can download music for free and share it with thousands of users (who also don’t pay for it). Maybe he’s right. The internet has made it harder for musicians to make money. But is that really the problem?
For Simmons, it’s easy to blame the fans for killing rock ‘n’ roll; they are, after all, the same army of brainwashed consumers he’s swindled into buying re-releases, crappy merchandise and overpriced KISS concert tickets for 40 years. For Simmons, if you’re not buying, you’re not allowed to be a member of the KISS Army. On a good night, where KISS is the only performer on the bill, they pull in between $600,000 to $700,000 in merchandise sales (as reported in 2011). KISS isn’t a rock ‘n’ roll band; KISS is a corporation branded as a rock band.
It’s also worth noting that KISS hasn’t released a credible rock album since 1977′s Love Gun. Yet somehow they’re in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when great bands like the Smiths, Black Flag, and Joy Division are left out. Why? Because KISS has Marvel Comics, branded action figures, a freakish mutant tongue, and Satanic symbolism that has made them more of a myth than a rock band. In truth, KISS bought their way into the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame through marketing and merchandising, not music.
For 40 years, KISS has been castrating the credibility of rock ‘n’ roll through various re-branding efforts and cheap tricks; nothing more than a four-decade-long sleight of hand to keep selling merchandise–diverting the attention away from their laughably bad music.
In other words, KISS has made a career out of trashing the credibility of rock music through a smoke and mirrors routine that’s more pro wrestling than rock ‘n’ roll. For KISS, it really is all about the money. So here it is, just 10 examples of KISS’s murderous rampage to turn rock ‘n’ roll into a product for consumption as opposed to artistic expression.
10) Playing ‘American Idol’
On the 13th season of American Idol, KISS cashed in and played a medley with winner and Meat Loaf wannabe Caleb Johnson. “Love Gun” and “Shout It Out Loud” never sounded more manufactured and simplistic. Their audience? Corporate America, teenagers in the Midwest, and Ryan Seacrest. Enough said.
9) Influencing Shitty Music
KISS is one of the most influential bands in the history of music. That’s not necessarily a good thing: shitty bands like Pearl Jam, Steel Panther, Anthrax, Mötley Crüe, Pantera (Dimebag Darrell was buried in a KISS Kasket), and the Foo Fighters are on a long list of cheesy rock bands influenced by KISS. “But what about Kurt Cobain?” So yeah, what about Kurt Cobain, whom the KISS Army would like to call their own?
8) Convincing You Kurt Cobain Was Influenced by KISS
Gene Simmons and the KISS Army want everyone to believe Kurt Cobain was influenced by KISS. Their evidence? A 1990 cover of KISS’s “Do You Love Me.” Listen to it here, it’s an obvious mockery of KISS’ corporate rock ethos. Yet somehow, especially within the psychologically unfit contingent of the KISS Army, Kurt Cobain was influenced by KISS, meaning KISS influenced something other than bad arena rock and heavy metal. In reality, it was just great marketing by KISS that tried to step all over the credibility of Cobain, and probably sold more copies of Destroyer in the process.
7) Selling Out With the Times
While some artists, most notably Madonna, like to reinvent themselves with the times–KISS likes to rebrand themselves with the marketing savvy of a fast food chain. In 1973, Wicked Lester became KISS–ripping off the New York Dolls and Alice Cooper in the process. Glam was big then. By 1979, KISS cut a disco record (Dynasty), because well, disco was in at the time. By the ’80s, they “unmasked” and turned into Poison–hair metal was all the craze then. Let’s not even talk about the ’90s, or that Gene Simmons’ abortion of a solo record, Asshole, released in 2004 with that horrendous cover of Prodigy. KISS simply rebrands themselves into what’s best for business, which is by definition, selling out.
6) The Hello Kitty Demon Doll
Nothing says “Demonic Rock God” like a KISS-branded Hello Kitty designed for little girls who like Barbie dolls. Talk about whoring out your band (I mean, brand) to target a new audience. Then again, this is the same group that put out KISS-branded slot machines, cremation urns, playing cards, and whatever else you can put four letters and face paint on. From the start, KISS turned rock ‘n’ roll into a shopping mall experience; their music being the advertising jingle to sell more merchandise.
5) Releasing a Disco Album
When Studio 54 ruled, circa 1979, KISS suddenly shifted gears and released what was tantamount to a disco record. “I Was Made for Lovin’ You,” the single off Dynasty, did more to murder rock than any BitTorrent site. Studio 54 benefited, rock ‘n’ roll suffered, and KISS lost any credibility they had left (which was very little by that point). “Sure Know Something” sounds like the Bee Gees doing a drunken stadium rock karaoke.
4) Making the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame Even Less Credible
KISS is the only band in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame that was inducted with little to no consideration of their actual music. They got in because of their fiscal and cultural impact, which basically means they sold enough shit to become a household name. The medieval sword-and-sorcerer cover art of Destroyer did more to move units than “Beth.” While the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame isn’t very credible to begin with, KISS somehow made it absolutely comical in 2014. It’s the musical equivalent of the Harlem Globetrotters getting inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame (which actually happened).
3) Replacing Peter Criss and Ace Frehley
The current KISS lineup is basically a cover band. After 10 lineup changes, founding members Peter Criss (the Catman) and Ace Frehley (the Spaceman) are gone. Frehley’s “Spaceman” outfit now belongs to former road manager, Tommy Thayer, and Eric Singer continues to be their replacement drummer (he’s been with KISS since 1991). The irony is that Peter Criss co-wrote their first hit song, “Beth,” and Ace Frehley, without a question, was the most talented musician in the band. For decades, KISS has been a cover band of themselves–with each member easily being replaced with another set of white greasepaint for yet another farewell tour. In doing so, KISS has turned rock ‘n’ roll into nothing more than a traveling circus of rotating clowns. They haven’t been a band since the ’80s.
2) Turing Rock ‘N’ Roll Into a Pro Wrestling Extravaganza
Early on, in order to make misogynistic lyrics more exciting and hide their musical shortcomings, KISS decided to turn their live show into a pro wrestling extravaganza: blood splattering everywhere, expensive pyro, clown makeup, and operatic entrances (“You wanted the best…”). People don’t got to a KISS concert to hear the music. They go for the special effects; a mirage of leather-clad magic tricks that hypnotizes them into the point of purchase. Their whole act is an illusion. There’s nothing musical, or rock ‘n’ roll about it. KISS is a theme park ride.
1) The Real Gene Simmons
Gene Simmons thinks poor people should be nicer to him. He also thinks that Kurt Cobain became an icon
because he killed himself. He’s also a well-documented misogynist, a former reality TV show star (Kim Kardashian with fake poodle hair), thinks
people with depression should fuck off and die, and even has an entire wing in his mansion dedicated to KISS merchandise; a shrine to a cult personality he’s created around himself, a businessman who used rock ‘n’ roll to become rich and famous. He’s also an egomaniacal rock star turned fat cat, a Reagan-era archetype who believes in the free-market and the Machiavellian principles of a 19th century oil tycoon. In every possilbe way, he’s the embodiment of the prehistoric recording industry that was nearly destroyed by the internet. He’s the type of corporate rock star that Kurt Cobain never wanted to become–the horrific image of the future that ultimately drove him to suicide, and according to Simmons, icon status. So yeah, fuck this guy and everything he stands for.
